Chapter 5 – The Reasoning of the Literature Girl
What do I need to do to find S’s weakness?
If I can rattle S’s heart, I must be able to dig out all of S’s secrets!
In all of my waking and sleeping time, my mind couldn’t stop scheming this. Finally, from
an unexpected incident, I got the key to S’s destruction.
◇ ◇ ◇
For the entire last weekend of May, I was melancholic.
When I was playing video games in my room, when I was watching DVDs, when I was playing
games with my little sister, and when I was dining with my family, Takeda‟s desolate expression
would appear in my mind. The one sentence that she said „for a person like Konoha Senpai…you
won‟t understand ….‟, combined with her expression would, in my mind, overlap another
person‟s expression and voice. I couldn‟t get this out of my head and stopped dwelling on this.
Before it was time for dinner, I was playing Sevens with my little sister Maika, who just entered
elementary school the last spring. My mother, who was preparing tea for us, asked me-
“Older brother [TL note: Referring to Maika‟s older brother ie. Konoha . It‟s a way of referring
in many Asian languages], you don‟t look very energetic. Did something happened in school?
“No, nothing. Everything is normal.”
“Really?”
“Really. Nothing really happened.”
My mother smiled lightly and said-
“I see. After you got into senior high, older brother has reverted back to his former energetic self.
Your school life must be very pleasant. I am relieved.”
“…Yeah, I am happy everyday.”
Even though I am for now a bit disturbed, but starting from tomorrow, my normal life would
come back.
No arguments, no standoffs, no larger than necessary hopes and dreams; I just to live a common
school life everyday; then after school, I would go to the Literature Club and stay there till the
sunset dyed the entire room gold. I would write snacks for Tooko Senpai, listen to her outlandish
comments, and then give her snarky comebacks…
“Then, It‟s time to eat. Mai chan, tell father that it‟s time to eat.”
“Yes~~~”
Maika, with a loud *patapata*, ran off. Mom then said to me gently-
“Hey, Konoha. Both your father and mother believe it is enough for Konoha to live his life safe
and energetic. We are not seeking anything more. [TL note: „, so don‟t push yourself too hard.‟]”
“Thanks mom.”
The me two years ago worried my family greatly.
The price of that unworthy glory cost me the single thing I treasured most in my entire life.
I do not want the same thing to ever happen again.
After dinner, I laid on my bed and listened to my favorite music with my earbuds. The music
were lively- ones that would cheer up their listeners.
Suddenly, I thought of Tooko Senpai.
“What did Tooko Senpai eat today?”
I have not been writing snacks for Tooko Senpai these days.
When I told her about Takeda san‟s boyfriend, she appeared very sad.
She even stripped in front of a male Kouhai just to gather info, and then she found out she had
been tricked all along. It was a very tragic thing indeed, worthy of crying I think.
“I am begging you, don‟t make that long face. You will at least get her written report, right?
From what I saw, she was very lovey-dovey with that boyfriend of her. She will for sure write
the sweetest love report Tooko Senpai has ever tasted!”
I said it jokingly, but Tooko Senpai‟s face became even more downcast. She slowly shook her
head and answered-
“No.The person who should look sad right now is Konoha kun.”
With such an answer, I couldn‟t talk back to her; so I remained silent.
Both my mother and Tooko are worried about me.
When I thought of this, I felt very ashamed and regretful.
“Let‟s write something sweet for Tooko Senpai tomorrow…”
◇ ◇ ◇
As if bit by bit I slowly injected poison into S- S became more and more crazy. All these
gradually happened under my calm eyes.
I know S’s attitude is not as tranquil as it once was.
S would constantly look around; S’s voice would shake.
When S is alone, there would be endless sighs. Sometimes S would even grab one’s hair,
and then S would, as if frightened, turn around and look behind.
The time is near.
Everything is ready.
What’s left is to open the door with the key.
I wrote a letter to S.
I will be waiting for you on the roof.
Let us talk truthfully to each other!
◇ ◇ ◇
The following day also had good weather.
From the classroom windows the sky outside looked very blue, very clear. The tender leaves of
trees sparkled underneath it.
During lunchbreak, when I was sticking my head out of the window to catch some early summer
breeze, Akutagawa kun came to me. The silent Akutagawa kun actually came and talked to methat
was rare.
“…On the last Friday the graduates came again. They asked things about you.”
“What? About what?”
“They asked what year and class you are in, and what kind of person you are.”
Maybe because I look like Shuuji Kataoka they are curious what I am like? Now that I know
Shuuji Senpai suicided, I can finally understand why they seemed reluctant to answer my
question when I look back at when I questioned them about Shuuji Senpai.
“…I just thought it would be better I tell you this.”
“Yeah, thanks Akutagawa kun.”
Akutagawa kun nodded lightly at me, then returned to his seat.
I suddenly remembered that I still owe Kotobuki san 10 yen. I hurriedly took out my wallet-
(Good, I have the money with me today.)
“Here. This is the change you wanted.”
I walked to Kotobuki san and handed her the 10 yen coin. Kotobuki san only moved her eyes
away and softly bit her lips.
“…Hm”
“Thanks for paying for me.”
“Ah, that…”
“Yes? Anything else?”
“…Nothing.”
She puffed her cheeks and went quiet again.
Is she embarrassed because she was the one who told me Takeda san already had a boyfriend? I
wanted to say something to ease her mind; but at the same time I was afraid that I may say
something wrong and anger her. In the end I just put the 10 yen coin on her palm and walked
back to my seat.
After school on the hallway, as I was headed to the Literature Club, someone suddenly called out
from behind me:
“Konoha kun!”
I turned around and saw an unexpected person panting behind me.
“What is it?”
“I have something important to say. Could you follow me for a second?”
“Eh…but…”
“It won‟t take long. Please. This is an emergency.”
“…Okay.”
It doesn‟t seem like I have much choice, so I followed the person.
For what reason did this person want to find me? And, that person looked very nervous and
frightened, what happened?
The person got on a staircase.
Third story.
Fourth story.
The noise *kon-kon* from the footsteps echoed from the wall. I looked in front of me and
advanced silently.
I suddenly realized where we were heading. I was startled.
“Excuse me, where are we going?”
“The roof.”
A wave of fear suddenly seized my heart. I felt the tips of my fingers and lips start to shake and
were becoming numbed.
An image appeared in my mind.
A sky that was as blue as the sea; The concrete under my feet; The air that was warped by the
heat wave; The shadows of that girl and I; The water tower; The rusted metal railingsIn
front of the railing [TL note: ie. „Behind the railing‟ in English], she slowly turned around-
“Sorry, I can‟t go to the roof.”
The numbness from my fingertips felt stronger than ever. A powerful unease expanded
unstopped in me. Fear made me stop my steps. I wanted to just drop to the floor, but that person
forcefully grabbed my wrist and dragged me forward.
I felt a dab of pain from my arm. That dull pain recalled me from my past.
“I need to say to you that I can‟t let others know; it‟s just for a bit…”
When I looked at that person‟s eyes, all I saw were the muddled eyes alike a dead fish‟s. The
tone also became very strange. I, along with my returned consciousness was suddenly attacked
by a grave sense of impending danger and fear.
“But the roof-“
“What‟s with you? What are you afraid of? Did something happen on the roof?”
The other person‟s voice was shaking; nonetheless that person was still strongly dragging my
hand.
“Then, let‟s go together. You have something to say to me too, right?”
“Please let me go. I do not want to go to the roof!”
That person just dragged me even harder. The person used the free hand to open the roof door.
The wind blew onto my face.
Wind was also blowing on that day. She stood in front of the metal railing, and turned her head
to me. Her skirt and the end of the hair were wavering in the cool summer breeze.
(No)
(NO-)
(STOP-)
The person ignored my frantic resist and dragged me to the open roof. There that person yelled at
me-
“You wrote the letters, didn‟t you!”
What is this person talking about? He mentioned something about me writing letters? Did he
mean the draft love letters I wrote for Takeda san?
The fear from the past mingled with the fear of the present. My fingertips were numbed; I had
trouble breathing; my head hurts as if someone threw punches left and right at me; My forehead
started to sweat; My sight became pitch black.
I couldn‟t breathe naturally, so I panted as hard as I could. Ah, it‟s those symptoms again. It had
been a long time since I experienced them.
“The letters were sent by you! Weren‟t they, Shuuji!”
That person tightly grasped the collars of my uniform. The twisted face moved to right in front of
my face.
“You are wrong, Soeda san. I am not Shuuji Kataoka!”
“Then, why did you stare at me! Why did you always look at me coldly with that all knowing
expression of yours!”
Soeda san yelled.
When I first met him in the Archery Club, I thought he with his glasses looked very intelligent
and sober; but now it is as if he became another person. His face was ferocious and made me feel
endlessly scared.
Who is this person? Is he really the alumni Soeda san?
“Always! You always just stare at me! Ever since Sakiko Kijima died, you just keep on staring at
me! You did not say a word; you just stared at me! By doing that, are you blaming me? It was
you who killed Sakiko!”
In between panting and no breathing, I feebly asked him.
“Didn‟t,Sakiko san, die, from the accident?”
Soeda san, with his red filled eyes, angrily shouted out-
“Don‟t play dumb. On that day, wasn‟t it you who said you had to stay behind for club activities,
and asked me to walk her home? You even, with that unsuspecting attitude, that always smiling
tone of yours told me „I will entrust my girlfriend to you.‟
It was I who fell in love with her first. And you, even though you knew what I was feeling, you
came and tempted her away and made her fall in love with you. Then when you two started
going out, you even dared to come to me and tell me „she was in tears when she asked me to go
out with her, so I had no choice but to accept.‟”
You are always like this! So laidback, so sloppy towards everything. You think you are so funny,
but you keep on taking away stuff I wanted. Same with archery, the winner at the end was
always you. The girls I've ever liked, they all in turn fell in love with you.
I really despise you. I uncontrollably loathe you. I couldn‟t let it show, so I just tried my damn
hardest to act as if nothing is happening. Yet you always smile when you see I am trying to keep
up with the act!
Your kind and gentle attitude and smile deeply disgust me!
„I will entrust my girlfriend to you‟! If it weren‟t for you, she would have gone out with me.
How can you just be all generous and tell me „I will entrust my girlfriend to you.‟
You knew what I was thinking; nevertheless you still tried to test her to see whether she was
loyal to you. There is no denying that you are making a fool out of me!”
The hands that Soeda san had on my collars were pulling harder and harder.
In my mind, the face of Soeda san, the face of Shuuji Kataoka and, finally, the final face of Miu
when we were both on the roof- all these faces surfaced in my mind. My conscious was getting
blurrier and blurrier.
Hey, why aren‟t you talking? Are you ignoring me? Why do you look so painful?
I chased her to the roof. Miu smiled sadly and said-
-Konoha, for sure you won‟t understand.
“You for sure won‟t understand the pain I am feeling! On that day I confessed to her. I asked her
to break up with you and go out with me, and she pushed me away and ran off. She was trying to
get away, and she just ran out to the street without checking the light. And then she got hit by
that truck that was turning and died. I was very scared. I was a coward who just escaped from
that place.
If I – if I didn‟t confess to her- no, that‟s wrong. If it weren‟t for you, none of these would
happen, and I wouldn‟t be a coward who killed her.
After that, you did not ask me about her. You knew that I was with her when the accident
happened. Yet, you just silently stare at me. You didn‟t even ask me „Weren‟t you walking her
home?‟
Is it really that fun to screw around with me?”
My choking throat gave out the panting sound *hyu~~hyu*.
My fingertips were shaking; I almost couldn‟t breathe.
(No….Shuuji Kataoka was not happy at all. He had always been very much alone and in pain.)
I wanted to tell him these, but I couldn‟t talk.
The face of Soeda san was disfigured due to extreme inner torment. The hands that he was
choking me with got even stronger.
“On that day, I stabbed you with the knife I brought. You tried to seek help, didn‟t you? That‟s
why you walked towards the metal railing, leaned your body out, and fell to your death! But
why? Why? Why did you appear in front of me again? My child will be born next year! I want to
forget about you and live a happy life, but why must you come back now and haunt me again!
For the past ten years, you kept on wandering inside my mind! And then, now you really do
appear in front of me! Why! Why can‟t you just let me go! I am going to have a kid! I thought I
can finally live in peace! If you don‟t die, I will kill you as many times as it take!”
Soeda san‟s fingers and the fabric of my clothing combined together to strangle my neck. Soeda
san‟s fingers were shaking.
Fleeting moments of my past, like a lantern, flew past in my mind.
A face suddenly appeared beside me. Miu was looking at me sneeringly. I smelled the sweet
scent of shampoo and sweat mixed together.
And the quietly smiling Shuuji Kataoka that was in the picture.
During classes, the Miu that was concentrated in writing to her notebook, and I, who was looking
at her slender body with devotion and love.
The face of Soeda san that was twisted by pain; the face of Shuuji Kataoka; the face of Miu.
The Soeda san who stabbed Shuuji to death; the Shuuji Kataoka who fell from the roof; the Miu
who stood in front of the railing and turned her head around to me.
Konoha, for sure you won‟t understand.
For sure you won‟t understand.
For sure you won‟t understand.
Miu‟s body, just like that, slowly leaned backward and fell down.
A segment from „Ningen Shikkaku‟ floated to the top of my mindThe
girl is dead.
The girl is dead.
Aah, perhaps I should be dead as well?
At this moment, someone got in between Soeda san and I.
“Stay away from Konoha Senpai!”
Takeda‟s small body was between us and with it, she pushed Soeda san away.
Freed, my feet were wobbly and I lost my balance. My whole body fell onto the concrete floor.
Takeda san hurriedly helped me get back up.
“Konoha Senpai, are you all right?! Konoha Senpai!”
As I was rapidly panting, I weakly yelled out “…Takeda san”.
Takeda san‟s eyebrows were closed together- she was on the verge of tears. She let me lay on the
concrete floor, and then turned around to Soeda san. With a fierce voice, she yelled-
“So you were indeed Shuuji senpai‟s killer. You were that „S‟, weren‟t you, Soeda san!”
“Wh- who are you?”
“I am Chia Takeda from first year. It was I who forged Shuuji senpai‟s names in those letters and
sent them to you. It was also I who asked Soeda san to come to the roof.”
“What did you say!?”
Soeda san was dumbfounded.
“Why did you do all these?”
“I wanted to find out the real identity of S. Because that person was with Shuuji Senpai right up
to the end.”
Takeda san took out the folded letters from her pocket. The sound *kasakasa* can be heard as
the papers ruffled against one another. She opened them and showed them to Soeda san.
“In addition to the will Shuuji Senpai left in his house, he left his true will as well. That will was
put into a discarded book in the basement storage room. For the past ten years it sat there
undiscovered. It was I who discovered it and I read it.
“Shuuji Senpai knew the death of his girlfriend Sakiko san is related to S. However the reason
Shuuji Senpai did not say anything was because he was indeed attempting to test Sakiko Senpai.
That‟s why he asked you to walk her home. As a result of this test, Sakiko Senpai died from the
car accident.
In this letter, Shuuji Senpai regretfully said „I killed her. It was all because I malevolently tried to
test her loyalty that she died.” This was the reason Shuuji Senpai thought he should be the one to
die. He wanted S to kill him!”
Takeda san, with a tone as cool as a cold breeze sweeping through decaying wood, read out the
letter I did not know exist.
“‟S has been cornered.
Due to S‟s action, my girlfriend died. S believes the sin cannot be repented; S also worries that
someone will discover the truth.
I approached S with my usual attitude. I stared at S, and showed S my smile. S‟s mind soon
started to crumple. All I did was quietly looked at S‟s maddening screams.
From the bottom of my heart I wished the cornered S would become homicidal to me- I wanted S
to kill me.
That is the way I will repent my sin to her.
S is my enemy, my friend, and the person who knows me best; therefore, S should be able to
read my intention. With all my sincerity, I want S to kill me.‟ – this letter stopped at when S was
called to the roof.”
The second handnote.
That letter does indeed have a follow up.
Takeda san only showed me the beginning of the letter.
“After I read the letter, I asked each of the teachers about it and did a lot of background check.
Finally, I found out that Shuuji Kataoka was a student who committed suicide by jumping off the
roof ten years ago. Did Shuuji Senpai really suicide? Or was he killed by S? – These questions
constantly popped into my mind. What I do know is that on that day, Shuuji Senpai did meet
with S on the roof. S should know the whole truth. I really wanted to find out what happened.
So, using Shuuji senpai‟s name, I wrote a letter to you- to S, Soeda Senpai. When everyone
noticed that Shuuji Senpai looked like Konoha Senpai, you were the calmest out of the group. At
that time I already felt curious by this. Later on, did you not look at Konoha Senpai even once? I
noticed that while Manabe san kept on studying Konoha Senpai, you on the other hand were
attempting to divert your eyes away, as if you really did not want to see Konoha Senpai. So, I
took advantage to Shuuji senpai‟s name, and wrote you a letter that contain past events that only
Shuuji Senpai and you knew. Please tell me, on that day, on this roof, what did you talk with
Shuuji Senpai?”
“Talk about what-“
Soeda san exhaustedly mumbled:
“We didn‟t say anything. I stabbed him with my knife, and he silently let me stab him. That‟s all
there was to it.”
“What-“
Takeda san yelled out disappointedly.
At that moment-
“That‟s because he was not S; thus he cannot answer your question.”
I turned my neck as hard as possible to the direction of the voice.
I saw a slender body. Its pale forehead had shiny black bangs all over it. And her cat tail like
long braids wavered with the wind. Its eyes were clear and wiseIn
my sweat-tainted eyesight, Tooko Senpai was standing at the door entrance to the roof. The
sight of her entered my eyes clearly.
At that moment, I could feel the warm waves in my chest. I wanted to cry.
Takeda san,
and Soeda san,
they were both looking at Tooko Senpai in awe.
“Who- who are you?”
The shaken Soeda san asked. Tooko Senpai answered definitely-
“‟The Literature Girl‟”
Aah, it‟s such a serious occasion. Does she realize what she is saying?
I dropped my forehead to the burning hot concrete floor toasted by sunlight. My whole body
went limped. That‟s Tooko Senpai for you; no matter what happens, she will always be Tooko
Senpai.
“Also, to that boy that is lying on the ground, I am the kindest, the nicest, and the most
dependable cute Senpai.”
Who would compliment themselves like that… Soeda san and Takeda san were both speechless.
Tooko Senpai, with her braids swinging behind her, slowly walked to us.
“The wife of Soeda Senpai and their friends came to the Literature Club to find me. They came
to ask for the whereabouts of Soeda Senpai.”
Behind Tooko Senpai stood the alumnus Manabe san and Rihoko san. At the sight of them,
Soeda san became flustered. His face went pale and he shouted-
“Rihoko, Manabe! Why are you two here?”
Rihoko Senpai only slightly lowered her eyes.
“You have been behaving strangely these days… As if you were afraid of something, something
seemed to preoccupy you. And then, today, when I was cleaning your room, I found a letter. I
saw that the sender is Kataoka, so I opened and read it. Shocked, I phoned your workplace and
heard that you took a sick leave. I got even worried, so I…”
“Rihoko contacted me by phone. She said you might come to the school to find Konoha kun- no,
to find Shuuji. Did you really stab Shuuji…. Soeda?”
Manabe san‟s voice was filled with boundless distress.
“I knew you liked Sakiko Kijima, I also felt that you were not exactly friendly toward Shuuji.
But to kill him? If that‟s true then I…”
Manabe san took a look at Rihoko san, and bit his lips as if he was holding in something.
Rihoko san still had her eyes lowered. Both her arms were tightly holding her stomach.
Wife and friend- he had linked his sins to those closest to him. Soeda san appeared completely
despaired and shakely said-
“That couldn‟t be helped. Only by killing Shuuji could I regain peace…”
In that instant, Tooko Senpai sternly cut into the dialogue.
“No. It wasn‟t Soeda Senpai who killed Shuuji san. He is not S. S is someone else!”
“Impossible! But when Soeda san saw Konoha Senpai, his reaction was the strangest. Also, the
letter I wrote to him also drove him mad.”
Takeda san countered.
“Chia chan, you have missed the single most important thing. S was the enemy of Shuuji Senpai;
at the same time, S also understood him the best. Because Chia chan only showed us the first half
of the letter, we can only guess what happened after it. But Shuuji Senpai constantly mentioned
that S completely saw through him. The clown tricks only fail in front of S.
So, S could not be Soeda san.
If he truly understood Shuuji Senpai, then he would not have misgivings toward Shuuji. Nor
would he have any envies or jealousy.”
Takeda san panic and asked-
“Then… who is S?”
“I am not the famous detective from Baker Street, nor am I a clever old lady who can solve crime
while knitting from the comfort of her rocking chair. I am only a „Literature Girl‟, so I do not
know deduction; I can only use delusion as the basis of my imagination, that‟s all…
Kataoka Shuuji really adored Osamu Dazai, so he left behind the real death note, the one that
described his true inner heart, in the book „Ningen Shikkaku‟. From his letters alone one can see
that Osamu Dazai had a very big influence on him. Like the opening sentence „I have lived a life
of much shame‟, he copied the whole line. Shuuji Kataoka read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, and thought
that the main character, who „failed to comprehend the pain felt by those around me‟ and „was
terrified of humans, yet I cannot abandon humans‟, who as a result attempted to gain the love of
others by playing the clown, was himself. He was resonating.
In „Ningen Shikkaku‟, two characters recognized the main character‟s clown tricks. Incidentally,
they were foiled characters. One of them was a junior high classmate of the main character, a
buddy called Takeichi. That child always wore worn clothing. He was bad at both school work
and sports. He was seen as an inferior student. This apparently harmless boy, however, accused
the main character of fakery. He denounced the main character for faking every word and every
action. This hit the main character so hard that it was as if the whole world has been scorched by
the flame of hell. Afterwards, he became good friends with that boy. He did it to stay at the boy‟s
side to have him under surveillance.
The other person was the prosecutor that was sent to question him when he alone survived
through that group suicide. In the book, the prosecutor „has a handsome and righteous face, he
appears very smart and stable.‟ He immediately saw through the lies made by the main character.
When he was looking at the main character with his calm contempt, the main character
experienced full taste of „3 jugs of cold sweat‟ of shame [TL note: a Japanese proverb].
Under the backdrop of a blue sky, with the school roof as the stage, Tooko Senpai, with her long
French braids dancing along with the wind, ceaselessly stated her deductions.
Her posture and her way of speaking both cast an unfamiliar stress onto its listeners- none of us
dared to interrupt; we all silently listened to Tooko senpai‟s analysis.
“S is not someone who would worship or envy Shuuji Kataoka. That person always uses the
purest, most neutral stance to view Shuuji Kataoka. At other times he would also watch Shuuji
with a judging intention.
He was probably someone who always stayed by Shuuji‟s side. He looked at Shuuji, and handed
him judgments for his actions. At times that person may also have given his opinions to Shuuji.
Rihoko san. Your maiden name was Sena, is that correct?”
The wife of Soeda san- Rihoko san looked a bit startled and, with a stiff face, nodded lightly.
“Yes.”
“Ten years ago, you were the manager of the Archery club. Back then in the club, many girls
liked Shuuji Senpai, so often that there were many girls who came to view his practices. I heard
that because of this, Shuuji Senpai would always got scolded by the club manager. Only in front
of you, did Shuuji Senpai fail to talk back.
You are S, aren‟t you?”
Rihoko san took a small breath.
Her arms, which were hugging her stomach, tightened even more so. She raised her head and,
looking dead at Tooko Senpai, said with a resolute tone,
“Yes. I am S. I killed both Sakiko and Kataoka.”
“Rihoko!”
“What are you talking about, Rihoko!”
Manabe san and Soeda san shouted at the same time.
Soeda san ran to Rihoko san and yelled.
“Stop talking nonsense! I stabbed Shuuji to death! And Sakiko too- I was the reason Sakiko got
hit by the car. I saw it with my own eyes, the sight of her lying on the road, covered with blood!”
“But, it was me who made Kataoka stay behind to give you a chance to walk Sakiko home. Also,
don‟t you remember? I took advantage of the chance that you consulted with me; I strongly
urged you to confess to Sakiko.”
“What-“
Soeda san‟s voice choked of.
“I said to Kataoka, „I will bet you that Sakiko will fall in love with Soeda.‟ Kataoka agreed to bet
against me. This is why he told you that he had to stay behind in the school for club work, and
asked Soeda… asked you to walk Sakiko home. At that time, Kataoka and I were stalking the
two of you.”
“What! Then, when Sakiko got hit by the car, you two-“
“Yes. We saw everything. How Sakiko‟s body got slammed away and smacked onto the ground.
How you panicked and ran away. We witnessed everything.”
Soeda san became completely speechless.
Manabe san took Soeda san‟s role and asked Rihoko san.
“Then why did you do all that, Rihoko? Didn‟t you say that Shuuji was untrustworthy and you
hated him? And back then, we were-“
“Yeah, at that time we were together. You are always very confident, always honest and frank
towards everyone. You were very attractive. I really liked you.
In comparison, Kataoka was an undependable person who always makes juvenile jokes. He
never showed his true face to anyone, and that truly disgusts me. So, one day, when I finally had
enough, I said to him „None of what you say is real. You are just trying to trick everyone with
your acts.” When Kataoka heard that, he looked horrified and was ready to break down and cry.
His expression looked so fragile, so lonely; So much so that I cannot ever leave him by himself.”
Manabe san and Soeda san both stayed silent.
Tooko Senpai lightly said,
“After that, you became the person who understood Shuuji Senpai the best, and also that‟s how
you fell in love with him.”
“Yeah. From that day on, only in front of me would Kataoka stop his acts. He would tell me, and
only to me, his torments and grief. When someone like Kataoka treats you with all his beings, all
his sincerity, do you think a woman can resist?”
Tooko Senpai grievously said,
“No.”
Rihoko san smiled and said,
“…Kataoka kun was very smooth, he was just like a little kid. But at the same time he was very
understanding, always attentive. He was someone you couldn‟t help but fall in love with.”
“What a coincidence… In the diary of Tomie Yamazaki, who committed suicide with Osamu
Dazai, she too wrote that Dazai was very sly, but I just cannot help but fall in love with him…
Dazai sensei was someone who you couldn‟t help but fall in love with…”
“Yeah. Kataoka kun liked „Ningen Shikkaku‟ a lot. He read the book so many times that the
book itself was worn out. Even though he told Sakiko that he didn‟t like to read books, and
would fall asleep whenever he reads one.
Kataoka kun may have gone out with Sakiko, but Sakiko knew nothing about Kataoka. For this
reason, the burden on Kataoka became heavier and heavier. That‟s why I instigated Soeda to
tempt Sakiko away from Kataoka.
No, perhaps I was just jealous of Sakiko.
My foolish plan resulted in the death of Sakiko, and so Kataoka‟s guilt became stronger than
ever. He was already a mentally unbalanced person to begin with, and now he collapsed
completely . Suicide, suicide, this became all he wished for.
Kataoka didn‟t blame me for Sakiko‟s death. If he blamed me for her death, I would actually feel
a bit better. But instead he just silently stared at me. Whenever I see his „please kill me‟ face, a
heavy weight would push down on me.
I can‟t kill Kataoka.
But he seeks death.
Even before the accident he wanted to kill himself; now all he ever wished for is death. He truly
believed that death was the only way he could free himself from his endless pain.
I didn‟t know what to do. To help him realize his wish… that‟s the proof I love him, right?
A month after Sakiko‟s death, Kataoka wrote me a letter and put it into my desk drawer. In the
letter he wrote that he needed to talk to me, and asked me to go up to the roof. I knew that it was
time to make the decision that would end everything. When I realized this, my sight went black.
I didn‟t want to go.
I wanted to skip and go home. If I did that, maybe Kataoka would realize what a fool he was and
stop what he was planning.
But, what if Kataoka decide to die alone? If my absence made him despair, and he, feeling
betrayal in his heart, jumped off the top of the building-[TL note: betrayal is not the right word,
but I can't think of any other suitable word.]
When I thought of that, I couldn‟t hold it any longer… in the end I must go.”
“When Rihoko san reached the top of the building, Shuuji Senpai was still alive.”
Rihoko Senpai nodded.
“On my way to the roof, I saw a very ghost-faced Soeda run down the staircase. When I pushed
open the roof door, I found Kataoka. He had a knife in his chest and was lying on the concrete
floor. He looked at me as if he was laughing and crying at the same time, and then muttered „Hey,
I couldn‟t die from this- the wound is too shallow. My heart won‟t stop beating because of this.‟”
Takeda san, who has been silent, croakily asked,
“And then- what happened?”
“He said…‟Kill me.‟ As if he was begging me, he added, „I am tired, please kill me.”
Everyone held their breath.
Rihoko san, with both her voice and her arms trembling, said,
“Kataoka unsteadily stood up and asked me „can I borrow your handkerchief?‟ I handed mine to
him, and he used it to wipe fingerprints off the handle of the knife. He then handed back the
handkerchief and staggered towards the metal railing.”
Shuuji Kataoka slowly, slowly walked towards the metal rail.
There, his body became one with Miu‟s.
I understand- I too have witnessed this scene of despair.
Miu slowly, slowly walked towards her doom.
And then, with her uniforms waving in the wind, she turned and looked at me.
“Kataoka turned and looked at me. He had nothing but sorrow in her eyes.”
Miu‟s eyes were very clear, they looked very alone.
“‟Sena san, only you can kill me. Even to this instant, I still could not understand a person‟s
heart. Why is Soeda jealous of me? Why does he hate me so much that he wants to stab me to
death? I don‟t understand. When Sakiko died in front of me, even though I saw it with my own
eyes, I didn‟t feel sad at all. „I want to die. All I want to do is to die. It‟s too late to save anything.
No matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, everything is now useless. They would only draw
on even more shame onto me.‟Hey… what did Daizai feel when he wrote that book? I feel that I
am very close to him right now. I can completely understand his emotions. To something like me,
do I still have the worth to stay alive? Sena san, only you can answer this question. Please tell me
the answer‟”
Miu said,
--„Konoha, surely you don‟t understand…‟
“It‟s too late to save Kataoka kun.
If I really do love him, I should at least help him realize his last wish.
So I replied-
„Yes, you are ningen shikkaku.” [TL note: ie. You have lost the right to remain as a human]
I---couldn‟t say anything.
I didn‟t make a sound, nor did my feet move. What Miu said, I completely failed to understand.
“A gentle smile appeared on Kataoka‟s face,
as if he was thanking me for replying.
Then he walked off the roof.
It was I and Dazai who killed Kataoka.”
A lonely smile appeared on Miu‟s face. And then, with her head falling backward, she fell off the
roof.
I couldn‟t do anything.
I let her kill herself- !
“Stop!”
I heared a roar that even could pierce the air apart. For an instant I thought it was my own voice.
But, in reality it was the voice of Soeda san. Soeda san had his knees on the concrete floor, and
sobbed with his arms wrapped around his head.
“Stop, I don‟t want to hear anymore. It was me who killed Shuuji. And now you say the person
you truly love is Shuuji? Then, what am I? Rihoko, why did you agree to marry with me?”
Rihoko san calmly answered,
“Because we are the accomplices, so… it couldn‟t be Manabe.”
Manabe‟s face was strained. He tightly bit his lips.
Rihoko put her knees onto the floor. She hugged Soeda san and lightly said,
“Hey, Soeda kun. To this day you still hate Kataoka, and you can‟t get your mind off him, right?
You will remember Kataoka for the rest of you life, right? So will I… I too can‟t get him out of
my mind, I constantly remember him. No matter how much time has past, I will not forget him. I
will always remember him.
So give it up, Soeda kun. You and I are bound by the same person. We are the accomplices that
committed the same crime.”
“The baby… The baby will be born soon… but this... how could I live with you now, after all
these? It‟s like living in hell.”
Tears appeared in between the hands that he covered his face with. They fell onto the concrete
floor and wet it.
Takeda san looked at all these with a weak and feeble expression.
“Yes. We will spend the rest of our lives living in hell. But that‟s all right, as long as we are
willing to face this, no matter where we go, we can live on.
Also, in this world, only I will not blame Soeda for doing something like this to Kataoka. I don‟t
think of you as a coward, nor do I think of you as shameful or tragic. I want to treasure you even
more. If you think of it this way, you would feel a bit better, right?
Hey, Yasuyuki. Let us continue to be reminded of Kataoka. Let us continue to be jailed by him,
and then we will live a common and quiet life. We will give birth to the child, and then we will
parent him. We will live in hell! It is the only way we can repent to Kataoka.”
The voice of Soeda san sobbing could be heard throughout the roof.
Tooko Senpai, Takeda san, and Manabe san all remained silent.
Then I- what could I do to repent?
What should I do to solace? To be saved?
Miu… Tell me, Miu…
“Konoha kun!”
Tooko Senpai was calling me.
And then I heard footsteps; a braid brushed across my face. I felt someone hugging me tightly. I
noticed a scent of violet orchidThat
was the last thing I recognized.
I lost my consciousness due to extreme distress.
◇ ◇ ◇
The first time I met Tooko Senpai happened a year ago.
The long winter was finally over. One can finally start to feel warmth from the air. It was an
afternoon in April.
When people stopped caring about Miu Inoue, I finally put down the heavy burden „genius
Bishoujo writer.‟ The sudden relief of stress actually made me weak throughout my body. In
addition, the wound I received from the roof accident had not healed yet.
Even though I entered senior high, I didn‟t actively try to make friends; nor did I want to join any
club. When it was lunch break or after school, I would stand in the middle of the courtyard and
look at the plants in a trance. I would repeat the same boring activity everyday.
One day after school, when I was taking a walk in the courtyard, I noticed a girl sitting
underneath a white manglietia tree. Her French braids reached her wraist. She was leaning
against the tree and was reading.
Her eyebrows were very long, and her skin was as fair as the white manglietia flower. It felt as if
the air surrounding her were steady and clear.
(It‟s rare to see people with such long braids nowadays. She looked like a girl from the Taishoperiod.
But she looks very mature, she is probably older than me…)
When I was busy observing her and trying to come to some sort of conclusionThat
female student teared one of the pages apart.
(Eh?)
As I stood stunned, she put one of the pieces into her mouth.
(Eheheh?)
And then the female student started chewing on that piece of paper. It was as if everything was a
dream, I just stood there and stared at her, too stunned to react. Suddenly that female student
raised her head and saw me.
(!)
When our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat.
The female student blushes furiously and said shyly,
“You saw that…”
“That, that….sorry!”
“What‟s your name? What class are you in?”
“Konoha Inoue. First year 3rd class.”
Then the girl started laughing. Suddenly her expression switched from laughter to innocence.
“So you are a first year student! Then please join the Literature Club.”
“What? Literature… club?”
I opened my eyes wide open and looked at the long French braids/fair skin/black and clear
pupils/tearing pages out of books/paper eating girl. She continued,
“I can‟t let you leak my secret, so I must make you stay by my side so that I can monitor you.
From today on, you are a member of the Literature club.”
“What???? Wait-wait a second- I, the club. You asked me to join the club, but who are you?”
“I am Tooko Amano from 2nd year 8th class. As you see, I am a „Literature girl.‟”
That was how we met.
After we met, for the entire month, whenever school ended, Tooko Senpai would come to my
classroom and look for me.
“Konoha, it‟s club activity time.”
She, as if she was a class leader taking care of her fellow classmate who was refusing to come to
school, dragged my hands and took me to the Literature club room located at 3rd floor west
corner.
When we got to the club room, she handed me a stack of 50 pages genkoo yoshi and said,
“Have you ever heard of where the writing exercise „3 topics 1 story‟ came from? The one where
a wise man would improvise a story based on the 3 topics his listeners give him. I will give you 3
words, and you will have to write something using these 3 words as topics. It doesn‟t matter
whether it‟s a poem, a short story, or a fairytale, just write something. Uhnnn… then let‟s go
with, „snow‟, „Maccha sabure‟[TL note: „Green tea favour cake‟], „Arinkokororin‟ You have 50
minutes to complete. So, start now!”
“What is Arinkokororin?!”
“Hey, start writing, or I will jinx you.”
Just like that, I started to write stories everyday.
“I eat stories as if they are bread or rice. Usually I eat books, but what I really like to eat are
articles that are handwritten onto papers. Love stories are sweet and tasty, so I prefer it even
more than others. That‟s why you have to write some su~~~~~~~~~~per sweet stories!”
Habit can be a scary thing. It didn‟t take long before I could write her stories without resistant.
Mostly that‟s because she would always criticize my works right in front of me with „Hmmm…
it‟s just missing a certain taste‟ or „Mooo… the structure is too lax‟, and at the same time eat
everything I wrote into her stomach. Seeing her like this, I couldn't help but relent.
Before I realized it, I was already going to the club room whenever school ended, without
needing Tooko Senpai coming to my classroom to get me.
“Onii chan, you seem happy these days. Did something good happen at school?”
“No-nothing in particular. Normal.”
I spend my days with a book tearing, paper eating Senpai together- can this really be described as
normal? Even though this question lingers in my heart, but very incredibly, whenever I stayed in
the classroom, with its sunset-illuminated walls and its small dust dancing in it, I would feel at
ease. Sometimes when I couldn‟t stand Tooko senpai‟s words or actions and retorted her, this too
made me feel happy. Only in front of Tooko Senpai did I not need to force myself to smile.
Day after day, I returned to the Literature Club.
“Good day, Konoha kun.”
“I am hungry~~~, Konoha kun.”
“Wah, today‟s paper is so sweet and delicious~~~. Konoha kun you are amazing!”
“Gosh Konoha kun! You don‟t respect your Senpai at all!”
“Don‟t call me a monster~~~! I am just a common „Literature girl.‟”
Day after day I would chat with Tooko Senpai; I would write snacks for her. Looking at Tooko
senpai‟s smile, I began to stop thinking about Miu all the time.
That‟s why I will be punished.
Sorry, Miu, I am sorry.
I have not forgotten you. It‟s just that the flashbacks are very painful.
The stories that you wrote, each of them was very warm and sweet. They, like stars, winkle at
those who read them. You, who shared your dreams with me, were so dazzlingly bright that I fell
for you.
But why, why did you on that day, throw yourself down the roof? I still don‟t know why you did
that.
I can‟t write anymore.
Because they are all fake. Because I am merely a shell.
The author Miu Inoue exists no more.
He can never write again. He can‟t write, nor does he want to write.
When I opened my eyes, someone was gently holding my hands.
The white ceiling.
The white walls.
The bed sheets that smelled like medicine.
“Is this… the hospital?”
“Nope. It‟s the infirmary.”
Tooko Senpai answered.
“Konoha kun fainted on the roof. Manabe san carried you down to the infirmary. I actually
wanted to carry you, but when I tried to lift your shoulders, I lost my balance and fell onto the
floor. I specialize in arts, you see, I can‟t do physical work well…”
Tooko Senpai was sitting on a chair next to the bed, and was gently holding my hands.
Between the curtains, an orange ray of light shone through the gap.
“I… how long was I unconscious for?”
“About 2 hours. You sweated a lot… as if you had a nightmare.”
You held my hands during the entire time, didn‟t you?
“What about Soeda san and the rest?”
“Soeda san and Rihoko san went home together. I think their love and hatred for Shuuji Senpai
will continue for the rest of their lives….they decided to punish themselves together.”
Soeda san cried and lamented that this was like hell.
Those two people, they will remain together as family, right?
Tooko Senpai gently caressed the back of my hands. Gently, softly… as if she was comforting
me.
“Manabe san and Chia chan went home as well. Chia chan… Konoha, she wanted me to tell you
„sorry for dragging you into this.‟”
“The reason why Takeda san took me to the Archery club was to let the alumni see me. I look
the same as Shuuji Kataoka, that‟s why she tried to get close to me.”
“Probably…”
Tooko Senpai dispiritedly said.
A hot stream rushed up from my chest. My throat started to shake.
Takeda san was using me.
All the letters I wrote, they were all garbage.
Takeda san, Soeda san, Rihoko san, Shuuji Senpai- everyone was lying.
They hid the truth.
If that‟s the case, then they should have held in the truth until the end. Why do they tell the truth
now, when things are already at this state?
The cruel reality stabbed me fiercely.
Thanks to this, my heart, which I have wrapped around under layers of protection to prevent it
from getting hurt again, became nakedly exposed. Sorrow, pain, pity, remorse, all these emotion
assault me at the same time.
To such a mix of different emotions, I do not know how to deal with them. I am already
powerless. My throat hurts, my whole body is hot, and the inside of my body feels as if it
suffered from burns, they are especially painfulI
pulled my hands away from Tooko senpai‟s, and used them to cover my ceiling pointing face.
If I don‟t do it, she will see my crying face.
“I can‟t stand this… Don‟t show me any more of the darkness and dirt of reality. I only want to
be a normal person and live a normal live. I don‟t want to experience chaos, adventures, or
detective dramas. No more pain, sorrow or bitterness.
But why? Even though everyone understands both sides will get hurt, they still reveal the secrets
in their hearts to others? Do they really want to say them that much? Do they really need to be
exposed so nakedly? Do they really want others to be enveloped by emotions like sorrow, pain,
and hatred? Do they seek murder? Do they seek death?
What Shuuji Senpai felt, what Rihoko san felt, what Soeda san felt, what Takeda san felt, I don‟t
understand anything.
Everyone- is not normal. They are too weird. I hate Daiza.”
The tears slide down my face. My shirt collars, years, and the bed sheets were wetted with my
tears.
My neck became cold.
I don‟t understand.
I don‟t understand anything.
Shuuji Senpai and Miu both didn‟t want to live. They both choose to throw themselves off a
building.
“*Hiku*… Why does cruel things like this happen over and over again… Which one is abnormal,
which one is normal?...*hiku*…I, I don‟t understand anymore, Tooko Senpai.”
In the disinfectant smell- filled room, I sobbed.
Tooko Senpai didn‟t say any consolation.
She only sadly said,
“You must find the answer for that yourself. Even if it‟s painful… even if it‟s grievous… even if
it‟s bitter… you must use your own feet to find the answer.”
“Then…*hiku*, it doesn‟t matter if I don‟t know the answer… I can live on even if I don‟t know
the answer…”
When I said this, what sort of expression did Tooko Senpai have?
I was too naive to ask Tooko Senpai, who was a normal human like me.
Tooko Senpai is not a fortune teller, nor is she a councillor or a psychiatrist.
Even if she is a monster who swallows stories written on pieces of papers, in every other aspect,
she is same as us. She is just a high school student. She is just a Literature Girl.
Tooko Senpai didn‟t say anything.
The sun finally set. In the dark and cold infirmary, she quietly stayed by my side until I stopped
crying.
Chapter 5 – The Reasoning of the Literature Girl
What do I need to do to find S’s weakness?
If I can rattle S’s heart, I must be able to dig out all of S’s secrets!
In all of my waking and sleeping time, my mind couldn’t stop scheming this. Finally, from
an unexpected incident, I got the key to S’s destruction.
◇ ◇ ◇
For the entire last weekend of May, I was melancholic.
When I was playing video games in my room, when I was watching DVDs, when I was playing
games with my little sister, and when I was dining with my family, Takeda‟s desolate expression
would appear in my mind. The one sentence that she said „for a person like Konoha Senpai…you
won‟t understand ….‟, combined with her expression would, in my mind, overlap another
person‟s expression and voice. I couldn‟t get this out of my head and stopped dwelling on this.
Before it was time for dinner, I was playing Sevens with my little sister Maika, who just entered
elementary school the last spring. My mother, who was preparing tea for us, asked me-
“Older brother [TL note: Referring to Maika‟s older brother ie. Konoha . It‟s a way of referring
in many Asian languages], you don‟t look very energetic. Did something happened in school?
“No, nothing. Everything is normal.”
“Really?”
“Really. Nothing really happened.”
My mother smiled lightly and said-
“I see. After you got into senior high, older brother has reverted back to his former energetic self.
Your school life must be very pleasant. I am relieved.”
“…Yeah, I am happy everyday.”
Even though I am for now a bit disturbed, but starting from tomorrow, my normal life would
come back.
No arguments, no standoffs, no larger than necessary hopes and dreams; I just to live a common
school life everyday; then after school, I would go to the Literature Club and stay there till the
sunset dyed the entire room gold. I would write snacks for Tooko Senpai, listen to her outlandish
comments, and then give her snarky comebacks…
“Then, It‟s time to eat. Mai chan, tell father that it‟s time to eat.”
“Yes~~~”
Maika, with a loud *patapata*, ran off. Mom then said to me gently-
“Hey, Konoha. Both your father and mother believe it is enough for Konoha to live his life safe
and energetic. We are not seeking anything more. [TL note: „, so don‟t push yourself too hard.‟]”
“Thanks mom.”
The me two years ago worried my family greatly.
The price of that unworthy glory cost me the single thing I treasured most in my entire life.
I do not want the same thing to ever happen again.
After dinner, I laid on my bed and listened to my favorite music with my earbuds. The music
were lively- ones that would cheer up their listeners.
Suddenly, I thought of Tooko Senpai.
“What did Tooko Senpai eat today?”
I have not been writing snacks for Tooko Senpai these days.
When I told her about Takeda san‟s boyfriend, she appeared very sad.
She even stripped in front of a male Kouhai just to gather info, and then she found out she had
been tricked all along. It was a very tragic thing indeed, worthy of crying I think.
“I am begging you, don‟t make that long face. You will at least get her written report, right?
From what I saw, she was very lovey-dovey with that boyfriend of her. She will for sure write
the sweetest love report Tooko Senpai has ever tasted!”
I said it jokingly, but Tooko Senpai‟s face became even more downcast. She slowly shook her
head and answered-
“No.The person who should look sad right now is Konoha kun.”
With such an answer, I couldn‟t talk back to her; so I remained silent.
Both my mother and Tooko are worried about me.
When I thought of this, I felt very ashamed and regretful.
“Let‟s write something sweet for Tooko Senpai tomorrow…”
◇ ◇ ◇
As if bit by bit I slowly injected poison into S- S became more and more crazy. All these
gradually happened under my calm eyes.
I know S’s attitude is not as tranquil as it once was.
S would constantly look around; S’s voice would shake.
When S is alone, there would be endless sighs. Sometimes S would even grab one’s hair,
and then S would, as if frightened, turn around and look behind.
The time is near.
Everything is ready.
What’s left is to open the door with the key.
I wrote a letter to S.
I will be waiting for you on the roof.
Let us talk truthfully to each other!
◇ ◇ ◇
The following day also had good weather.
From the classroom windows the sky outside looked very blue, very clear. The tender leaves of
trees sparkled underneath it.
During lunchbreak, when I was sticking my head out of the window to catch some early summer
breeze, Akutagawa kun came to me. The silent Akutagawa kun actually came and talked to methat
was rare.
“…On the last Friday the graduates came again. They asked things about you.”
“What? About what?”
“They asked what year and class you are in, and what kind of person you are.”
Maybe because I look like Shuuji Kataoka they are curious what I am like? Now that I know
Shuuji Senpai suicided, I can finally understand why they seemed reluctant to answer my
question when I look back at when I questioned them about Shuuji Senpai.
“…I just thought it would be better I tell you this.”
“Yeah, thanks Akutagawa kun.”
Akutagawa kun nodded lightly at me, then returned to his seat.
I suddenly remembered that I still owe Kotobuki san 10 yen. I hurriedly took out my wallet-
(Good, I have the money with me today.)
“Here. This is the change you wanted.”
I walked to Kotobuki san and handed her the 10 yen coin. Kotobuki san only moved her eyes
away and softly bit her lips.
“…Hm”
“Thanks for paying for me.”
“Ah, that…”
“Yes? Anything else?”
“…Nothing.”
She puffed her cheeks and went quiet again.
Is she embarrassed because she was the one who told me Takeda san already had a boyfriend? I
wanted to say something to ease her mind; but at the same time I was afraid that I may say
something wrong and anger her. In the end I just put the 10 yen coin on her palm and walked
back to my seat.
After school on the hallway, as I was headed to the Literature Club, someone suddenly called out
from behind me:
“Konoha kun!”
I turned around and saw an unexpected person panting behind me.
“What is it?”
“I have something important to say. Could you follow me for a second?”
“Eh…but…”
“It won‟t take long. Please. This is an emergency.”
“…Okay.”
It doesn‟t seem like I have much choice, so I followed the person.
For what reason did this person want to find me? And, that person looked very nervous and
frightened, what happened?
The person got on a staircase.
Third story.
Fourth story.
The noise *kon-kon* from the footsteps echoed from the wall. I looked in front of me and
advanced silently.
I suddenly realized where we were heading. I was startled.
“Excuse me, where are we going?”
“The roof.”
A wave of fear suddenly seized my heart. I felt the tips of my fingers and lips start to shake and
were becoming numbed.
An image appeared in my mind.
A sky that was as blue as the sea; The concrete under my feet; The air that was warped by the
heat wave; The shadows of that girl and I; The water tower; The rusted metal railingsIn
front of the railing [TL note: ie. „Behind the railing‟ in English], she slowly turned around-
“Sorry, I can‟t go to the roof.”
The numbness from my fingertips felt stronger than ever. A powerful unease expanded
unstopped in me. Fear made me stop my steps. I wanted to just drop to the floor, but that person
forcefully grabbed my wrist and dragged me forward.
I felt a dab of pain from my arm. That dull pain recalled me from my past.
“I need to say to you that I can‟t let others know; it‟s just for a bit…”
When I looked at that person‟s eyes, all I saw were the muddled eyes alike a dead fish‟s. The
tone also became very strange. I, along with my returned consciousness was suddenly attacked
by a grave sense of impending danger and fear.
“But the roof-“
“What‟s with you? What are you afraid of? Did something happen on the roof?”
The other person‟s voice was shaking; nonetheless that person was still strongly dragging my
hand.
“Then, let‟s go together. You have something to say to me too, right?”
“Please let me go. I do not want to go to the roof!”
That person just dragged me even harder. The person used the free hand to open the roof door.
The wind blew onto my face.
Wind was also blowing on that day. She stood in front of the metal railing, and turned her head
to me. Her skirt and the end of the hair were wavering in the cool summer breeze.
(No)
(NO-)
(STOP-)
The person ignored my frantic resist and dragged me to the open roof. There that person yelled at
me-
“You wrote the letters, didn‟t you!”
What is this person talking about? He mentioned something about me writing letters? Did he
mean the draft love letters I wrote for Takeda san?
The fear from the past mingled with the fear of the present. My fingertips were numbed; I had
trouble breathing; my head hurts as if someone threw punches left and right at me; My forehead
started to sweat; My sight became pitch black.
I couldn‟t breathe naturally, so I panted as hard as I could. Ah, it‟s those symptoms again. It had
been a long time since I experienced them.
“The letters were sent by you! Weren‟t they, Shuuji!”
That person tightly grasped the collars of my uniform. The twisted face moved to right in front of
my face.
“You are wrong, Soeda san. I am not Shuuji Kataoka!”
“Then, why did you stare at me! Why did you always look at me coldly with that all knowing
expression of yours!”
Soeda san yelled.
When I first met him in the Archery Club, I thought he with his glasses looked very intelligent
and sober; but now it is as if he became another person. His face was ferocious and made me feel
endlessly scared.
Who is this person? Is he really the alumni Soeda san?
“Always! You always just stare at me! Ever since Sakiko Kijima died, you just keep on staring at
me! You did not say a word; you just stared at me! By doing that, are you blaming me? It was
you who killed Sakiko!”
In between panting and no breathing, I feebly asked him.
“Didn‟t,Sakiko san, die, from the accident?”
Soeda san, with his red filled eyes, angrily shouted out-
“Don‟t play dumb. On that day, wasn‟t it you who said you had to stay behind for club activities,
and asked me to walk her home? You even, with that unsuspecting attitude, that always smiling
tone of yours told me „I will entrust my girlfriend to you.‟
It was I who fell in love with her first. And you, even though you knew what I was feeling, you
came and tempted her away and made her fall in love with you. Then when you two started
going out, you even dared to come to me and tell me „she was in tears when she asked me to go
out with her, so I had no choice but to accept.‟”
You are always like this! So laidback, so sloppy towards everything. You think you are so funny,
but you keep on taking away stuff I wanted. Same with archery, the winner at the end was
always you. The girls I've ever liked, they all in turn fell in love with you.
I really despise you. I uncontrollably loathe you. I couldn‟t let it show, so I just tried my damn
hardest to act as if nothing is happening. Yet you always smile when you see I am trying to keep
up with the act!
Your kind and gentle attitude and smile deeply disgust me!
„I will entrust my girlfriend to you‟! If it weren‟t for you, she would have gone out with me.
How can you just be all generous and tell me „I will entrust my girlfriend to you.‟
You knew what I was thinking; nevertheless you still tried to test her to see whether she was
loyal to you. There is no denying that you are making a fool out of me!”
The hands that Soeda san had on my collars were pulling harder and harder.
In my mind, the face of Soeda san, the face of Shuuji Kataoka and, finally, the final face of Miu
when we were both on the roof- all these faces surfaced in my mind. My conscious was getting
blurrier and blurrier.
Hey, why aren‟t you talking? Are you ignoring me? Why do you look so painful?
I chased her to the roof. Miu smiled sadly and said-
-Konoha, for sure you won‟t understand.
“You for sure won‟t understand the pain I am feeling! On that day I confessed to her. I asked her
to break up with you and go out with me, and she pushed me away and ran off. She was trying to
get away, and she just ran out to the street without checking the light. And then she got hit by
that truck that was turning and died. I was very scared. I was a coward who just escaped from
that place.
If I – if I didn‟t confess to her- no, that‟s wrong. If it weren‟t for you, none of these would
happen, and I wouldn‟t be a coward who killed her.
After that, you did not ask me about her. You knew that I was with her when the accident
happened. Yet, you just silently stare at me. You didn‟t even ask me „Weren‟t you walking her
home?‟
Is it really that fun to screw around with me?”
My choking throat gave out the panting sound *hyu~~hyu*.
My fingertips were shaking; I almost couldn‟t breathe.
(No….Shuuji Kataoka was not happy at all. He had always been very much alone and in pain.)
I wanted to tell him these, but I couldn‟t talk.
The face of Soeda san was disfigured due to extreme inner torment. The hands that he was
choking me with got even stronger.
“On that day, I stabbed you with the knife I brought. You tried to seek help, didn‟t you? That‟s
why you walked towards the metal railing, leaned your body out, and fell to your death! But
why? Why? Why did you appear in front of me again? My child will be born next year! I want to
forget about you and live a happy life, but why must you come back now and haunt me again!
For the past ten years, you kept on wandering inside my mind! And then, now you really do
appear in front of me! Why! Why can‟t you just let me go! I am going to have a kid! I thought I
can finally live in peace! If you don‟t die, I will kill you as many times as it take!”
Soeda san‟s fingers and the fabric of my clothing combined together to strangle my neck. Soeda
san‟s fingers were shaking.
Fleeting moments of my past, like a lantern, flew past in my mind.
A face suddenly appeared beside me. Miu was looking at me sneeringly. I smelled the sweet
scent of shampoo and sweat mixed together.
And the quietly smiling Shuuji Kataoka that was in the picture.
During classes, the Miu that was concentrated in writing to her notebook, and I, who was looking
at her slender body with devotion and love.
The face of Soeda san that was twisted by pain; the face of Shuuji Kataoka; the face of Miu.
The Soeda san who stabbed Shuuji to death; the Shuuji Kataoka who fell from the roof; the Miu
who stood in front of the railing and turned her head around to me.
Konoha, for sure you won‟t understand.
For sure you won‟t understand.
For sure you won‟t understand.
Miu‟s body, just like that, slowly leaned backward and fell down.
A segment from „Ningen Shikkaku‟ floated to the top of my mindThe
girl is dead.
The girl is dead.
Aah, perhaps I should be dead as well?
At this moment, someone got in between Soeda san and I.
“Stay away from Konoha Senpai!”
Takeda‟s small body was between us and with it, she pushed Soeda san away.
Freed, my feet were wobbly and I lost my balance. My whole body fell onto the concrete floor.
Takeda san hurriedly helped me get back up.
“Konoha Senpai, are you all right?! Konoha Senpai!”
As I was rapidly panting, I weakly yelled out “…Takeda san”.
Takeda san‟s eyebrows were closed together- she was on the verge of tears. She let me lay on the
concrete floor, and then turned around to Soeda san. With a fierce voice, she yelled-
“So you were indeed Shuuji senpai‟s killer. You were that „S‟, weren‟t you, Soeda san!”
“Wh- who are you?”
“I am Chia Takeda from first year. It was I who forged Shuuji senpai‟s names in those letters and
sent them to you. It was also I who asked Soeda san to come to the roof.”
“What did you say!?”
Soeda san was dumbfounded.
“Why did you do all these?”
“I wanted to find out the real identity of S. Because that person was with Shuuji Senpai right up
to the end.”
Takeda san took out the folded letters from her pocket. The sound *kasakasa* can be heard as
the papers ruffled against one another. She opened them and showed them to Soeda san.
“In addition to the will Shuuji Senpai left in his house, he left his true will as well. That will was
put into a discarded book in the basement storage room. For the past ten years it sat there
undiscovered. It was I who discovered it and I read it.
“Shuuji Senpai knew the death of his girlfriend Sakiko san is related to S. However the reason
Shuuji Senpai did not say anything was because he was indeed attempting to test Sakiko Senpai.
That‟s why he asked you to walk her home. As a result of this test, Sakiko Senpai died from the
car accident.
In this letter, Shuuji Senpai regretfully said „I killed her. It was all because I malevolently tried to
test her loyalty that she died.” This was the reason Shuuji Senpai thought he should be the one to
die. He wanted S to kill him!”
Takeda san, with a tone as cool as a cold breeze sweeping through decaying wood, read out the
letter I did not know exist.
“‟S has been cornered.
Due to S‟s action, my girlfriend died. S believes the sin cannot be repented; S also worries that
someone will discover the truth.
I approached S with my usual attitude. I stared at S, and showed S my smile. S‟s mind soon
started to crumple. All I did was quietly looked at S‟s maddening screams.
From the bottom of my heart I wished the cornered S would become homicidal to me- I wanted S
to kill me.
That is the way I will repent my sin to her.
S is my enemy, my friend, and the person who knows me best; therefore, S should be able to
read my intention. With all my sincerity, I want S to kill me.‟ – this letter stopped at when S was
called to the roof.”
The second handnote.
That letter does indeed have a follow up.
Takeda san only showed me the beginning of the letter.
“After I read the letter, I asked each of the teachers about it and did a lot of background check.
Finally, I found out that Shuuji Kataoka was a student who committed suicide by jumping off the
roof ten years ago. Did Shuuji Senpai really suicide? Or was he killed by S? – These questions
constantly popped into my mind. What I do know is that on that day, Shuuji Senpai did meet
with S on the roof. S should know the whole truth. I really wanted to find out what happened.
So, using Shuuji senpai‟s name, I wrote a letter to you- to S, Soeda Senpai. When everyone
noticed that Shuuji Senpai looked like Konoha Senpai, you were the calmest out of the group. At
that time I already felt curious by this. Later on, did you not look at Konoha Senpai even once? I
noticed that while Manabe san kept on studying Konoha Senpai, you on the other hand were
attempting to divert your eyes away, as if you really did not want to see Konoha Senpai. So, I
took advantage to Shuuji senpai‟s name, and wrote you a letter that contain past events that only
Shuuji Senpai and you knew. Please tell me, on that day, on this roof, what did you talk with
Shuuji Senpai?”
“Talk about what-“
Soeda san exhaustedly mumbled:
“We didn‟t say anything. I stabbed him with my knife, and he silently let me stab him. That‟s all
there was to it.”
“What-“
Takeda san yelled out disappointedly.
At that moment-
“That‟s because he was not S; thus he cannot answer your question.”
I turned my neck as hard as possible to the direction of the voice.
I saw a slender body. Its pale forehead had shiny black bangs all over it. And her cat tail like
long braids wavered with the wind. Its eyes were clear and wiseIn
my sweat-tainted eyesight, Tooko Senpai was standing at the door entrance to the roof. The
sight of her entered my eyes clearly.
At that moment, I could feel the warm waves in my chest. I wanted to cry.
Takeda san,
and Soeda san,
they were both looking at Tooko Senpai in awe.
“Who- who are you?”
The shaken Soeda san asked. Tooko Senpai answered definitely-
“‟The Literature Girl‟”
Aah, it‟s such a serious occasion. Does she realize what she is saying?
I dropped my forehead to the burning hot concrete floor toasted by sunlight. My whole body
went limped. That‟s Tooko Senpai for you; no matter what happens, she will always be Tooko
Senpai.
“Also, to that boy that is lying on the ground, I am the kindest, the nicest, and the most
dependable cute Senpai.”
Who would compliment themselves like that… Soeda san and Takeda san were both speechless.
Tooko Senpai, with her braids swinging behind her, slowly walked to us.
“The wife of Soeda Senpai and their friends came to the Literature Club to find me. They came
to ask for the whereabouts of Soeda Senpai.”
Behind Tooko Senpai stood the alumnus Manabe san and Rihoko san. At the sight of them,
Soeda san became flustered. His face went pale and he shouted-
“Rihoko, Manabe! Why are you two here?”
Rihoko Senpai only slightly lowered her eyes.
“You have been behaving strangely these days… As if you were afraid of something, something
seemed to preoccupy you. And then, today, when I was cleaning your room, I found a letter. I
saw that the sender is Kataoka, so I opened and read it. Shocked, I phoned your workplace and
heard that you took a sick leave. I got even worried, so I…”
“Rihoko contacted me by phone. She said you might come to the school to find Konoha kun- no,
to find Shuuji. Did you really stab Shuuji…. Soeda?”
Manabe san‟s voice was filled with boundless distress.
“I knew you liked Sakiko Kijima, I also felt that you were not exactly friendly toward Shuuji.
But to kill him? If that‟s true then I…”
Manabe san took a look at Rihoko san, and bit his lips as if he was holding in something.
Rihoko san still had her eyes lowered. Both her arms were tightly holding her stomach.
Wife and friend- he had linked his sins to those closest to him. Soeda san appeared completely
despaired and shakely said-
“That couldn‟t be helped. Only by killing Shuuji could I regain peace…”
In that instant, Tooko Senpai sternly cut into the dialogue.
“No. It wasn‟t Soeda Senpai who killed Shuuji san. He is not S. S is someone else!”
“Impossible! But when Soeda san saw Konoha Senpai, his reaction was the strangest. Also, the
letter I wrote to him also drove him mad.”
Takeda san countered.
“Chia chan, you have missed the single most important thing. S was the enemy of Shuuji Senpai;
at the same time, S also understood him the best. Because Chia chan only showed us the first half
of the letter, we can only guess what happened after it. But Shuuji Senpai constantly mentioned
that S completely saw through him. The clown tricks only fail in front of S.
So, S could not be Soeda san.
If he truly understood Shuuji Senpai, then he would not have misgivings toward Shuuji. Nor
would he have any envies or jealousy.”
Takeda san panic and asked-
“Then… who is S?”
“I am not the famous detective from Baker Street, nor am I a clever old lady who can solve crime
while knitting from the comfort of her rocking chair. I am only a „Literature Girl‟, so I do not
know deduction; I can only use delusion as the basis of my imagination, that‟s all…
Kataoka Shuuji really adored Osamu Dazai, so he left behind the real death note, the one that
described his true inner heart, in the book „Ningen Shikkaku‟. From his letters alone one can see
that Osamu Dazai had a very big influence on him. Like the opening sentence „I have lived a life
of much shame‟, he copied the whole line. Shuuji Kataoka read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, and thought
that the main character, who „failed to comprehend the pain felt by those around me‟ and „was
terrified of humans, yet I cannot abandon humans‟, who as a result attempted to gain the love of
others by playing the clown, was himself. He was resonating.
In „Ningen Shikkaku‟, two characters recognized the main character‟s clown tricks. Incidentally,
they were foiled characters. One of them was a junior high classmate of the main character, a
buddy called Takeichi. That child always wore worn clothing. He was bad at both school work
and sports. He was seen as an inferior student. This apparently harmless boy, however, accused
the main character of fakery. He denounced the main character for faking every word and every
action. This hit the main character so hard that it was as if the whole world has been scorched by
the flame of hell. Afterwards, he became good friends with that boy. He did it to stay at the boy‟s
side to have him under surveillance.
The other person was the prosecutor that was sent to question him when he alone survived
through that group suicide. In the book, the prosecutor „has a handsome and righteous face, he
appears very smart and stable.‟ He immediately saw through the lies made by the main character.
When he was looking at the main character with his calm contempt, the main character
experienced full taste of „3 jugs of cold sweat‟ of shame [TL note: a Japanese proverb].
Under the backdrop of a blue sky, with the school roof as the stage, Tooko Senpai, with her long
French braids dancing along with the wind, ceaselessly stated her deductions.
Her posture and her way of speaking both cast an unfamiliar stress onto its listeners- none of us
dared to interrupt; we all silently listened to Tooko senpai‟s analysis.
“S is not someone who would worship or envy Shuuji Kataoka. That person always uses the
purest, most neutral stance to view Shuuji Kataoka. At other times he would also watch Shuuji
with a judging intention.
He was probably someone who always stayed by Shuuji‟s side. He looked at Shuuji, and handed
him judgments for his actions. At times that person may also have given his opinions to Shuuji.
Rihoko san. Your maiden name was Sena, is that correct?”
The wife of Soeda san- Rihoko san looked a bit startled and, with a stiff face, nodded lightly.
“Yes.”
“Ten years ago, you were the manager of the Archery club. Back then in the club, many girls
liked Shuuji Senpai, so often that there were many girls who came to view his practices. I heard
that because of this, Shuuji Senpai would always got scolded by the club manager. Only in front
of you, did Shuuji Senpai fail to talk back.
You are S, aren‟t you?”
Rihoko san took a small breath.
Her arms, which were hugging her stomach, tightened even more so. She raised her head and,
looking dead at Tooko Senpai, said with a resolute tone,
“Yes. I am S. I killed both Sakiko and Kataoka.”
“Rihoko!”
“What are you talking about, Rihoko!”
Manabe san and Soeda san shouted at the same time.
Soeda san ran to Rihoko san and yelled.
“Stop talking nonsense! I stabbed Shuuji to death! And Sakiko too- I was the reason Sakiko got
hit by the car. I saw it with my own eyes, the sight of her lying on the road, covered with blood!”
“But, it was me who made Kataoka stay behind to give you a chance to walk Sakiko home. Also,
don‟t you remember? I took advantage of the chance that you consulted with me; I strongly
urged you to confess to Sakiko.”
“What-“
Soeda san‟s voice choked of.
“I said to Kataoka, „I will bet you that Sakiko will fall in love with Soeda.‟ Kataoka agreed to bet
against me. This is why he told you that he had to stay behind in the school for club work, and
asked Soeda… asked you to walk Sakiko home. At that time, Kataoka and I were stalking the
two of you.”
“What! Then, when Sakiko got hit by the car, you two-“
“Yes. We saw everything. How Sakiko‟s body got slammed away and smacked onto the ground.
How you panicked and ran away. We witnessed everything.”
Soeda san became completely speechless.
Manabe san took Soeda san‟s role and asked Rihoko san.
“Then why did you do all that, Rihoko? Didn‟t you say that Shuuji was untrustworthy and you
hated him? And back then, we were-“
“Yeah, at that time we were together. You are always very confident, always honest and frank
towards everyone. You were very attractive. I really liked you.
In comparison, Kataoka was an undependable person who always makes juvenile jokes. He
never showed his true face to anyone, and that truly disgusts me. So, one day, when I finally had
enough, I said to him „None of what you say is real. You are just trying to trick everyone with
your acts.” When Kataoka heard that, he looked horrified and was ready to break down and cry.
His expression looked so fragile, so lonely; So much so that I cannot ever leave him by himself.”
Manabe san and Soeda san both stayed silent.
Tooko Senpai lightly said,
“After that, you became the person who understood Shuuji Senpai the best, and also that‟s how
you fell in love with him.”
“Yeah. From that day on, only in front of me would Kataoka stop his acts. He would tell me, and
only to me, his torments and grief. When someone like Kataoka treats you with all his beings, all
his sincerity, do you think a woman can resist?”
Tooko Senpai grievously said,
“No.”
Rihoko san smiled and said,
“…Kataoka kun was very smooth, he was just like a little kid. But at the same time he was very
understanding, always attentive. He was someone you couldn‟t help but fall in love with.”
“What a coincidence… In the diary of Tomie Yamazaki, who committed suicide with Osamu
Dazai, she too wrote that Dazai was very sly, but I just cannot help but fall in love with him…
Dazai sensei was someone who you couldn‟t help but fall in love with…”
“Yeah. Kataoka kun liked „Ningen Shikkaku‟ a lot. He read the book so many times that the
book itself was worn out. Even though he told Sakiko that he didn‟t like to read books, and
would fall asleep whenever he reads one.
Kataoka kun may have gone out with Sakiko, but Sakiko knew nothing about Kataoka. For this
reason, the burden on Kataoka became heavier and heavier. That‟s why I instigated Soeda to
tempt Sakiko away from Kataoka.
No, perhaps I was just jealous of Sakiko.
My foolish plan resulted in the death of Sakiko, and so Kataoka‟s guilt became stronger than
ever. He was already a mentally unbalanced person to begin with, and now he collapsed
completely . Suicide, suicide, this became all he wished for.
Kataoka didn‟t blame me for Sakiko‟s death. If he blamed me for her death, I would actually feel
a bit better. But instead he just silently stared at me. Whenever I see his „please kill me‟ face, a
heavy weight would push down on me.
I can‟t kill Kataoka.
But he seeks death.
Even before the accident he wanted to kill himself; now all he ever wished for is death. He truly
believed that death was the only way he could free himself from his endless pain.
I didn‟t know what to do. To help him realize his wish… that‟s the proof I love him, right?
A month after Sakiko‟s death, Kataoka wrote me a letter and put it into my desk drawer. In the
letter he wrote that he needed to talk to me, and asked me to go up to the roof. I knew that it was
time to make the decision that would end everything. When I realized this, my sight went black.
I didn‟t want to go.
I wanted to skip and go home. If I did that, maybe Kataoka would realize what a fool he was and
stop what he was planning.
But, what if Kataoka decide to die alone? If my absence made him despair, and he, feeling
betrayal in his heart, jumped off the top of the building-[TL note: betrayal is not the right word,
but I can't think of any other suitable word.]
When I thought of that, I couldn‟t hold it any longer… in the end I must go.”
“When Rihoko san reached the top of the building, Shuuji Senpai was still alive.”
Rihoko Senpai nodded.
“On my way to the roof, I saw a very ghost-faced Soeda run down the staircase. When I pushed
open the roof door, I found Kataoka. He had a knife in his chest and was lying on the concrete
floor. He looked at me as if he was laughing and crying at the same time, and then muttered „Hey,
I couldn‟t die from this- the wound is too shallow. My heart won‟t stop beating because of this.‟”
Takeda san, who has been silent, croakily asked,
“And then- what happened?”
“He said…‟Kill me.‟ As if he was begging me, he added, „I am tired, please kill me.”
Everyone held their breath.
Rihoko san, with both her voice and her arms trembling, said,
“Kataoka unsteadily stood up and asked me „can I borrow your handkerchief?‟ I handed mine to
him, and he used it to wipe fingerprints off the handle of the knife. He then handed back the
handkerchief and staggered towards the metal railing.”
Shuuji Kataoka slowly, slowly walked towards the metal rail.
There, his body became one with Miu‟s.
I understand- I too have witnessed this scene of despair.
Miu slowly, slowly walked towards her doom.
And then, with her uniforms waving in the wind, she turned and looked at me.
“Kataoka turned and looked at me. He had nothing but sorrow in her eyes.”
Miu‟s eyes were very clear, they looked very alone.
“‟Sena san, only you can kill me. Even to this instant, I still could not understand a person‟s
heart. Why is Soeda jealous of me? Why does he hate me so much that he wants to stab me to
death? I don‟t understand. When Sakiko died in front of me, even though I saw it with my own
eyes, I didn‟t feel sad at all. „I want to die. All I want to do is to die. It‟s too late to save anything.
No matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, everything is now useless. They would only draw
on even more shame onto me.‟Hey… what did Daizai feel when he wrote that book? I feel that I
am very close to him right now. I can completely understand his emotions. To something like me,
do I still have the worth to stay alive? Sena san, only you can answer this question. Please tell me
the answer‟”
Miu said,
--„Konoha, surely you don‟t understand…‟
“It‟s too late to save Kataoka kun.
If I really do love him, I should at least help him realize his last wish.
So I replied-
„Yes, you are ningen shikkaku.” [TL note: ie. You have lost the right to remain as a human]
I---couldn‟t say anything.
I didn‟t make a sound, nor did my feet move. What Miu said, I completely failed to understand.
“A gentle smile appeared on Kataoka‟s face,
as if he was thanking me for replying.
Then he walked off the roof.
It was I and Dazai who killed Kataoka.”
A lonely smile appeared on Miu‟s face. And then, with her head falling backward, she fell off the
roof.
I couldn‟t do anything.
I let her kill herself- !
“Stop!”
I heared a roar that even could pierce the air apart. For an instant I thought it was my own voice.
But, in reality it was the voice of Soeda san. Soeda san had his knees on the concrete floor, and
sobbed with his arms wrapped around his head.
“Stop, I don‟t want to hear anymore. It was me who killed Shuuji. And now you say the person
you truly love is Shuuji? Then, what am I? Rihoko, why did you agree to marry with me?”
Rihoko san calmly answered,
“Because we are the accomplices, so… it couldn‟t be Manabe.”
Manabe‟s face was strained. He tightly bit his lips.
Rihoko put her knees onto the floor. She hugged Soeda san and lightly said,
“Hey, Soeda kun. To this day you still hate Kataoka, and you can‟t get your mind off him, right?
You will remember Kataoka for the rest of you life, right? So will I… I too can‟t get him out of
my mind, I constantly remember him. No matter how much time has past, I will not forget him. I
will always remember him.
So give it up, Soeda kun. You and I are bound by the same person. We are the accomplices that
committed the same crime.”
“The baby… The baby will be born soon… but this... how could I live with you now, after all
these? It‟s like living in hell.”
Tears appeared in between the hands that he covered his face with. They fell onto the concrete
floor and wet it.
Takeda san looked at all these with a weak and feeble expression.
“Yes. We will spend the rest of our lives living in hell. But that‟s all right, as long as we are
willing to face this, no matter where we go, we can live on.
Also, in this world, only I will not blame Soeda for doing something like this to Kataoka. I don‟t
think of you as a coward, nor do I think of you as shameful or tragic. I want to treasure you even
more. If you think of it this way, you would feel a bit better, right?
Hey, Yasuyuki. Let us continue to be reminded of Kataoka. Let us continue to be jailed by him,
and then we will live a common and quiet life. We will give birth to the child, and then we will
parent him. We will live in hell! It is the only way we can repent to Kataoka.”
The voice of Soeda san sobbing could be heard throughout the roof.
Tooko Senpai, Takeda san, and Manabe san all remained silent.
Then I- what could I do to repent?
What should I do to solace? To be saved?
Miu… Tell me, Miu…
“Konoha kun!”
Tooko Senpai was calling me.
And then I heard footsteps; a braid brushed across my face. I felt someone hugging me tightly. I
noticed a scent of violet orchidThat
was the last thing I recognized.
I lost my consciousness due to extreme distress.
◇ ◇ ◇
The first time I met Tooko Senpai happened a year ago.
The long winter was finally over. One can finally start to feel warmth from the air. It was an
afternoon in April.
When people stopped caring about Miu Inoue, I finally put down the heavy burden „genius
Bishoujo writer.‟ The sudden relief of stress actually made me weak throughout my body. In
addition, the wound I received from the roof accident had not healed yet.
Even though I entered senior high, I didn‟t actively try to make friends; nor did I want to join any
club. When it was lunch break or after school, I would stand in the middle of the courtyard and
look at the plants in a trance. I would repeat the same boring activity everyday.
One day after school, when I was taking a walk in the courtyard, I noticed a girl sitting
underneath a white manglietia tree. Her French braids reached her wraist. She was leaning
against the tree and was reading.
Her eyebrows were very long, and her skin was as fair as the white manglietia flower. It felt as if
the air surrounding her were steady and clear.
(It‟s rare to see people with such long braids nowadays. She looked like a girl from the Taishoperiod.
But she looks very mature, she is probably older than me…)
When I was busy observing her and trying to come to some sort of conclusionThat
female student teared one of the pages apart.
(Eh?)
As I stood stunned, she put one of the pieces into her mouth.
(Eheheh?)
And then the female student started chewing on that piece of paper. It was as if everything was a
dream, I just stood there and stared at her, too stunned to react. Suddenly that female student
raised her head and saw me.
(!)
When our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat.
The female student blushes furiously and said shyly,
“You saw that…”
“That, that….sorry!”
“What‟s your name? What class are you in?”
“Konoha Inoue. First year 3rd class.”
Then the girl started laughing. Suddenly her expression switched from laughter to innocence.
“So you are a first year student! Then please join the Literature Club.”
“What? Literature… club?”
I opened my eyes wide open and looked at the long French braids/fair skin/black and clear
pupils/tearing pages out of books/paper eating girl. She continued,
“I can‟t let you leak my secret, so I must make you stay by my side so that I can monitor you.
From today on, you are a member of the Literature club.”
“What???? Wait-wait a second- I, the club. You asked me to join the club, but who are you?”
“I am Tooko Amano from 2nd year 8th class. As you see, I am a „Literature girl.‟”
That was how we met.
After we met, for the entire month, whenever school ended, Tooko Senpai would come to my
classroom and look for me.
“Konoha, it‟s club activity time.”
She, as if she was a class leader taking care of her fellow classmate who was refusing to come to
school, dragged my hands and took me to the Literature club room located at 3rd floor west
corner.
When we got to the club room, she handed me a stack of 50 pages genkoo yoshi and said,
“Have you ever heard of where the writing exercise „3 topics 1 story‟ came from? The one where
a wise man would improvise a story based on the 3 topics his listeners give him. I will give you 3
words, and you will have to write something using these 3 words as topics. It doesn‟t matter
whether it‟s a poem, a short story, or a fairytale, just write something. Uhnnn… then let‟s go
with, „snow‟, „Maccha sabure‟[TL note: „Green tea favour cake‟], „Arinkokororin‟ You have 50
minutes to complete. So, start now!”
“What is Arinkokororin?!”
“Hey, start writing, or I will jinx you.”
Just like that, I started to write stories everyday.
“I eat stories as if they are bread or rice. Usually I eat books, but what I really like to eat are
articles that are handwritten onto papers. Love stories are sweet and tasty, so I prefer it even
more than others. That‟s why you have to write some su~~~~~~~~~~per sweet stories!”
Habit can be a scary thing. It didn‟t take long before I could write her stories without resistant.
Mostly that‟s because she would always criticize my works right in front of me with „Hmmm…
it‟s just missing a certain taste‟ or „Mooo… the structure is too lax‟, and at the same time eat
everything I wrote into her stomach. Seeing her like this, I couldn't help but relent.
Before I realized it, I was already going to the club room whenever school ended, without
needing Tooko Senpai coming to my classroom to get me.
“Onii chan, you seem happy these days. Did something good happen at school?”
“No-nothing in particular. Normal.”
I spend my days with a book tearing, paper eating Senpai together- can this really be described as
normal? Even though this question lingers in my heart, but very incredibly, whenever I stayed in
the classroom, with its sunset-illuminated walls and its small dust dancing in it, I would feel at
ease. Sometimes when I couldn‟t stand Tooko senpai‟s words or actions and retorted her, this too
made me feel happy. Only in front of Tooko Senpai did I not need to force myself to smile.
Day after day, I returned to the Literature Club.
“Good day, Konoha kun.”
“I am hungry~~~, Konoha kun.”
“Wah, today‟s paper is so sweet and delicious~~~. Konoha kun you are amazing!”
“Gosh Konoha kun! You don‟t respect your Senpai at all!”
“Don‟t call me a monster~~~! I am just a common „Literature girl.‟”
Day after day I would chat with Tooko Senpai; I would write snacks for her. Looking at Tooko
senpai‟s smile, I began to stop thinking about Miu all the time.
That‟s why I will be punished.
Sorry, Miu, I am sorry.
I have not forgotten you. It‟s just that the flashbacks are very painful.
The stories that you wrote, each of them was very warm and sweet. They, like stars, winkle at
those who read them. You, who shared your dreams with me, were so dazzlingly bright that I fell
for you.
But why, why did you on that day, throw yourself down the roof? I still don‟t know why you did
that.
I can‟t write anymore.
Because they are all fake. Because I am merely a shell.
The author Miu Inoue exists no more.
He can never write again. He can‟t write, nor does he want to write.
When I opened my eyes, someone was gently holding my hands.
The white ceiling.
The white walls.
The bed sheets that smelled like medicine.
“Is this… the hospital?”
“Nope. It‟s the infirmary.”
Tooko Senpai answered.
“Konoha kun fainted on the roof. Manabe san carried you down to the infirmary. I actually
wanted to carry you, but when I tried to lift your shoulders, I lost my balance and fell onto the
floor. I specialize in arts, you see, I can‟t do physical work well…”
Tooko Senpai was sitting on a chair next to the bed, and was gently holding my hands.
Between the curtains, an orange ray of light shone through the gap.
“I… how long was I unconscious for?”
“About 2 hours. You sweated a lot… as if you had a nightmare.”
You held my hands during the entire time, didn‟t you?
“What about Soeda san and the rest?”
“Soeda san and Rihoko san went home together. I think their love and hatred for Shuuji Senpai
will continue for the rest of their lives….they decided to punish themselves together.”
Soeda san cried and lamented that this was like hell.
Those two people, they will remain together as family, right?
Tooko Senpai gently caressed the back of my hands. Gently, softly… as if she was comforting
me.
“Manabe san and Chia chan went home as well. Chia chan… Konoha, she wanted me to tell you
„sorry for dragging you into this.‟”
“The reason why Takeda san took me to the Archery club was to let the alumni see me. I look
the same as Shuuji Kataoka, that‟s why she tried to get close to me.”
“Probably…”
Tooko Senpai dispiritedly said.
A hot stream rushed up from my chest. My throat started to shake.
Takeda san was using me.
All the letters I wrote, they were all garbage.
Takeda san, Soeda san, Rihoko san, Shuuji Senpai- everyone was lying.
They hid the truth.
If that‟s the case, then they should have held in the truth until the end. Why do they tell the truth
now, when things are already at this state?
The cruel reality stabbed me fiercely.
Thanks to this, my heart, which I have wrapped around under layers of protection to prevent it
from getting hurt again, became nakedly exposed. Sorrow, pain, pity, remorse, all these emotion
assault me at the same time.
To such a mix of different emotions, I do not know how to deal with them. I am already
powerless. My throat hurts, my whole body is hot, and the inside of my body feels as if it
suffered from burns, they are especially painfulI
pulled my hands away from Tooko senpai‟s, and used them to cover my ceiling pointing face.
If I don‟t do it, she will see my crying face.
“I can‟t stand this… Don‟t show me any more of the darkness and dirt of reality. I only want to
be a normal person and live a normal live. I don‟t want to experience chaos, adventures, or
detective dramas. No more pain, sorrow or bitterness.
But why? Even though everyone understands both sides will get hurt, they still reveal the secrets
in their hearts to others? Do they really want to say them that much? Do they really need to be
exposed so nakedly? Do they really want others to be enveloped by emotions like sorrow, pain,
and hatred? Do they seek murder? Do they seek death?
What Shuuji Senpai felt, what Rihoko san felt, what Soeda san felt, what Takeda san felt, I don‟t
understand anything.
Everyone- is not normal. They are too weird. I hate Daiza.”
The tears slide down my face. My shirt collars, years, and the bed sheets were wetted with my
tears.
My neck became cold.
I don‟t understand.
I don‟t understand anything.
Shuuji Senpai and Miu both didn‟t want to live. They both choose to throw themselves off a
building.
“*Hiku*… Why does cruel things like this happen over and over again… Which one is abnormal,
which one is normal?...*hiku*…I, I don‟t understand anymore, Tooko Senpai.”
In the disinfectant smell- filled room, I sobbed.
Tooko Senpai didn‟t say any consolation.
She only sadly said,
“You must find the answer for that yourself. Even if it‟s painful… even if it‟s grievous… even if
it‟s bitter… you must use your own feet to find the answer.”
“Then…*hiku*, it doesn‟t matter if I don‟t know the answer… I can live on even if I don‟t know
the answer…”
When I said this, what sort of expression did Tooko Senpai have?
I was too naive to ask Tooko Senpai, who was a normal human like me.
Tooko Senpai is not a fortune teller, nor is she a councillor or a psychiatrist.
Even if she is a monster who swallows stories written on pieces of papers, in every other aspect,
she is same as us. She is just a high school student. She is just a Literature Girl.
Tooko Senpai didn‟t say anything.
The sun finally set. In the dark and cold infirmary, she quietly stayed by my side until I stopped
crying.
