Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter2
Chapter 2 – The Most Delicious Story In This World
◇ ◇ ◇
The first time I noticed my deviancy was when my grandmother, who treasured me very
much, passed away from this world.
I remember after my grandmother had the heart attack, she had to stay on her bed all the
time. Whenever I came near her bed to visit her, she would always gently stroke my head
and say, “You are such a good child.” She would look pleased. Her eyes would squeeze into
two tiny lines as she smiled.
But I was not what my grandmother thought I was- an obedient and empathic child. Her
scrawny hands, her shriveled up face, her muddle white hair, and the disgusting medicine
stench emitted from her body, all these revolted and horrified me to no end.
“You are such a good child.”
Every time she used that coarse voice to whisper to my ears, I would feel like she had laid a
jinx on me. My neck would become stiff, my body would shudder.
If grandmother found out I was not a good child; if she found out that I loathed her- no
doubt she would stand straight up from her bed. Her white hair would stand on their ends
like a yashya , red flames would come out of her hazes, and that would swallow me alive. I
was really frightened by these thoughts, so dreaded that I would lie in bed at night, eyes
wide open, cold sweat coming off my back.
So, I became even more careful. Careful so that she could not see my true face. I tried even
harder to be a good child. I would deliver her three meals every day. I would wipe her
sweat. I did all I could to comfort her. I even placed my face onto her chest, and sweetly
said “I love you, grandma,” or I would kiss her cheek.
The skin of the senile grandmother was as dry as arid leaves, and reeked of those repulsive
medicines. I was really scared that her disease would infect me as well. Every time I was
done I would dash to the washroom. I would rinse and brush my mouth as hard as I could.
I brushed so hard sometimes my gum starts to bleed, and blood would seeps all over my
cavity. At this point, I often felt I was a very bad child who only knew how to lie well. My
throat would start to ache, and my face would become red hot.
One day, grandmother‟s body became cold. She would not move anymore.
“You really are a kind and sweet good child.”
As grandmother muttered this as if to herself, her hand, which was patting my head,
dropped down suddenly. Her face became as pale as a wax candle. I did not feel sad. I just
left the just deceased grandmother‟s body on the bed, and ran to the city park to play. I
went back to my home near sunset. As I entered the door, my mom immediately ran to me
and hugged me. She said, “Grandma died.” At that time, however, my heart was strangely
as calm as a desolate forest.
After a few days, the funeral service for grandmother started. During the service, I did not
shed a single tear. All the adults in the event noticed this and talked amongst themselves:
“It is probably because he is so young. He doesn‟t understand that his favorite
grandmother has passed away. What a tragedy!”
When I heard the adults say that, a great sense of shame swelled inside of me. My ears
became very hot. I could not lift my face up and stare ahead. But that wasn‟t because I was
sad for my grandmother‟s death; No, I was ashamed of my deceitful acts.
And that, since I was small, is how I lived my life.
◇ ◇ ◇
(What a hassle! How could I write a love letter?!)
The time was the following day‟s morning class.
As the class started, I too had started a laborious war against my first love letter in life. I half
covered the rough drafts on my desk with my school notebooks, and strenuously tried to decide
on the letter‟s style.
“To Kataoka Shuuji-senpai,
I deeply apologize for abruptly writing this letter to you.
I think you must be shocked to receive this.
My name is Takeda Chia. The pronunciation of the word 千愛 is „chi-a‟. I have just entered the
Class 1-2 of Seikudari High School this spring.
Once when I got off from school, I saw Shuuji-senpai practicing in the Archery Club range. I
think you looked wonderful. From then on I had fallen in love with you.”
(Yikes, this won‟t work. The wording is too stern.)
“To Kataoka Shuuji-senpai,
Hello! This is my first time writing to you~~~~~~
I am Takeda Chia, but all my friends call me Chia or Chi-Chan.
I am in Class 1-2. My seat number is eleven, my Zodiac sign is Cancer, and my blood type is B.
This may sound a bit out of the blue, but I must tell you this, I have fallen in love with you
Senpai!
Kyaaa, this is so embrassing!”
(I think just by writing this letter, I am even more embarrassed. This makes me feel like a
moron.)
Just like this, with my face blushing, I rewrite the letter countless times.
What on earth am I doing?
Tooko-senpai, with her know-it-all tone, said this to me-
“Your compositions do not have enough passion in them. This is a good chance for you to
practice, so don‟t slack! Try and imagine Chia‟s heart, and write a love letter that resembles what
a love stricken girl would write- something sweet and sour. Something that will make the readers
feel as if this world is sparkling, so happy that no one can stand it. This is the mood you should
imitate. If you accomplish this, whoever receives this letter will think „Chia is such a cute girl!‟
Then he will realize that he is loved by such a pure and innately beautiful girl, he will be
touched.”
I can‟t stand this. If that‟s the case, then I will stand aside and let Tooko-senpai be the writer.
“I only eat.” She answered shamelessly and snickered.
On the blackboard there was a drawing of the DNA helix structure. The white haired biology
teacher monotonically explained how chromosomes and genetic worked.
Seikudari High School is a well known school for getting into universities, thus most people who
study here are taking down notes seriously. Right now there is only the voice of the teacher, and
the scraping noise of pens agilely grazing on papers. Then again, there are a few who are not
listening to the teacher. They are mostly playing with their cell phones under the desks.
(But none of them are probably listening to the class and writing a love letter at the same time,
right? Writing love letters is not fashionable anymore. Haven‟t most people switched to text
messaging already?)
I suddenly realized that I'm writing a love letter during class time, and my face got even hotter.
(No, that‟s not it. This is not a love letter from me. This is Chia-san‟s love letter. Chia is the
person who likes Shuuji-senpai, not me…eh, why am I vindicating myself.)
I suppose I will listen to Tooko-senpai‟s suggestion and try imitating Chia‟s thoughts and
emotions as I write the letter. So, the first thing I tried to imagine was the face of the love
stricken Chia-
“The student Chia secretly likes is Kataoka Shuuji-senpai. He is an Archery Club 3rd year
student. When I first entered this school, I toured most of the clubs here. When I went to Archery
Club, however, I saw the handsome Shuuji-senpai practicing archery. Shuuji-senpai‟s steadily
pulled~~~~~ the grip and the string apart, and stared at the center of the target intensely. In that
moment, my eyes and the air around me froze; I couldn‟t move my eyes away from him. I
stopped my walk, and with bated breath I watched.
You know, before I saw him, something very bad happened to me, and I was very depressed
around that time.
But by seeing Shuuji-senpai‟s profile, all my distress became a puff of smoke, and floated away.
When Shuuji-senpai‟s arrow shot into the center of the red target, it felt as if his arrow had also
shot into my heart.
Then Shuuji-senpai, bright and kind as a little kid, smiled sweetly. Oh my gosh, that was the
most fantastic smile I had ever seen! Just like that I fell in love with Shuuji-senpai.
I am an athletic idiot, so I can‟t join the Archery Club; but I always go to the range to spy on
Shuuji-senpai. I heard other club members called him Kataoka, Juu, or Juu-chan, that‟s how I
found his name. When Shuuji-senpai is not practicing, he seems to possess a great sense of
humor, quite unlike his sober outer appearance. He always crack jokes and stuff and makes
everyone laugh.
But when he is practicing archery, his serious and imperturbable expression appears. On one
hand, when he is not practicing he seems good natured; on the other hand, when he is practicing,
he looks so focused it's a bit scary. However, if he misses the center, he would let out “ah~~”,
and chuckle goatishly. If he did hit the center, he would be as happy as a child, jumping and
cheering at the same time- “I hit it!”
When Shuuji-senpai is practicing his archery, what is he thinking? I keep on wondering this
question. From that, my whole heart became filled with anything that has to do with Shuujisenpai.
I want to know more about Shuuji-senpai; I also want to let Shuuji-senpai know someone
like me exists.”
Whenever Senpai talked about books, she would start talking incessantly, in much of the same
way as whenever Chia-san talked about Shuuji-senpai.
Her puffy blushing face, with glittering eyes, the happiness and bliss that came from her heart,
just talks and talks about anything that has to do with Shuuji-senpai.
I think I got pretty close to the real thing…Chia-san likes Shuuji-senpai so much- I must at least
try and express that feeling for her in the letter. If Chia-san's confession failed because of my
letter, I would get nightmares every night…
I flipped to a new page of the rough draft paper, and I tried to record down Chia-san's inner
emotions into words bit by bit.
“I want Shuuji-senpai to know me.
I want to know more about Shuuji-senpai.
So I gathered my courage and wrote this letter.”
……
……
“The letter is done. Here you go.”
After school, I folded my papers into four rectangles, and gave them to Chia-san.
“I didn‟t write any rough drafts. I only used my lunch break to write them. They were written
quite sloppily, so I can‟t guarantee their quality…”
“Wahh, thank you so much!”
Chia-san started jumping up and down happily. With an expression of delight, she accepted the
letters.
“Wahh, there are three letters! You wrote so much during the short lunch break? No wonder you
are the ace of the Literature Club.”
“You…you are too kind.”
“Hehe, can I read them out loud?”
Chia-san attempted to open the folded papers, but I hurriedly stopped her.
“Wah, don‟t! Don‟t read them here!”
“Why does it matter, I want to know what‟s written inside as well. Konoha put everything he got
into these love letters!”
As Tooko-senpai smiled mischievously, she slowly walked to Chia San‟s side to peek at the
content of the letters.
I immediately moved in between them.
“No! Absolutely not!”
“Okay, I know. I'll be going home then. I need to get home fast and write down Senpai‟s letters
onto proper papers. I already brought the envelopes- they're light pink, with pictures of sakura
petals printed all over them. They're so cute!”
“Hm, very good! Now go home!”
I hectically tried to sway Chia-san to go home.
“Bye, do you best!”
“Okay, thank you for your help.”
“Don‟t forget to write the reports~~~~~~~”
“I know~~~~~~~”
Chia-san waved her hand holding the letter, and answered happily.
As she left, she fell onto the floor again, but she stood back up right away. She giggled
embarrassedly and went away. All I did was nervously watch her leave.
“Ahh~~~~”, I want to read what‟s written inside. Those are the result of Konoha‟s three days of
non-stop grinding!” When I saw Tooko-senpai, with her arms hugging her bent legs on her chair,
squinting at me, my ears started to burn. This is bad, she saw through me again.
“I can‟t do that. If I let Tooko-senpai have a look, you would want to see what they taste like. All
the letters would then proceed into your stomach.”
I intentionally said that in a mocking tone, so Tooko-senpai became annoyed and raised her
lower lip/chin.
“Hey! I am not that fixated on eating!”
Then she buried her cheeks into her knees, and stared straight with a dazed expression.
Her cat-tail like, long, French braids slid down slowly from her slender shoulders.
“But, so good, love letters. They're so sweet, so tempting to all who see them. Hey, what do you
think the most delicious story in the world is, Konoha-kun?”
“I don‟t know……”
Tooko-senpai gently smiled.
“I think that would be a love letter that my lover, with his most sincere effort, put all his feelings
for me into. In this world, that letter is uniquely for me, and only for me. That would be the thing
I hold most dearly.”
After she said that, an embarrassed yet blissful smile appeared on Senpai‟s face.
“But if that‟s the case, I might treasure the letter so much that I don‟t dare to eat it. Hmmm, this
is quite bothersome. I have the world‟s most delicious food right in front of me, yet I can‟t eat it.
How agonizing!”
Senpai was probably very bothered by the prospect. She pressed on her forehead with her fingers
showing a painful expression on her face. I couldn‟t help but laughed out loud.
“Those kinds of things won't happen, Senpai. On the night you get the love letter, you would
give in to the temptation and eat all there was to eat. I'm willing to bet a Complete Set of
Natsume Souseki‟s Work on this.”
“Ah~~~~”, so mean! You're so mean. You're so not caring about my feelings!”
Senpai sulkily sat down on a chair, and turned her back towards me. She kept herself in that state
until I wrote some composition snacks for her. Only then did her mood improve.
“Fuuu[TL note: ふーんだ, a sfx made while mad]. Next time I will write your name down a
thousand times into a notebook, and then I will tear the pages apart, and eat all the pieces into my
stomach. That should jinx you.”
“That‟s not very mature behavior, Tooko-senpai.”
On the following day‟s lunch break, Takeda-san, with her airily footsteps, came to my classroom.
“Is Konoha-senpai here?”
Upon saying this, a commotion started in the classroom.
I hurriedly stood up.
“Ah, Konoha-senpai!”
Takeda-san waved her hand at me. Everyone‟s attention now turned towards me.
“Takeda-san, follow me.”
I quickly walked down the corridor and turned to the deserted staircase. After she arrived, I
asked her what was up, and she answered me very cheerfully-
“Today when I was going to school, I waited on the road for Shuuji-senpai. I handed the love
letter you wrote for me to him.”
“Oh, that quickly?”
She sure has put her thoughts into actions swiftly. I, on the other hand, cannot be said the same; I
was very impressed at her way of taking immediate actions.
“It was as if my heart was about to leap out. I said to Shuuji-senpai “Please read this.” I gave him
the letter, and then I ran away. After that my mind was hazy- During my morning classes I didn‟t
hear what my friends or my teachers said. All I could think of was 'Shuuji-senpai should have
read the letter by now, what does he think of the letter?'”
“Then what?” I couldn‟t help but clutched my sweating palms together.
“By lunch time my chest felt stiff, and I couldn‟t eat my lunch, so I went to the archery range.
Shuuji-senpai was there and...”
“And?”
Takeda became so happy her face got even redder. She did a victory sign to me.
“He happily thanked me for the letter! He said that while he couldn‟t immediately accept my
confession, we could try starting as senpai-kohai [TL note: think starting as friends].”
“That was pretty good, wasn‟t it?”
I was in a similar state as Takeda; my heart was about to leap out of my chest as well.
“Yes! Shuuji-senpai said he's never received a love letter as cute as this. This is all thanks to
Konoha-senpai. With your skills, no wonder you won the xyz Romance Literature Writing
Contest!”
“Hahaha, those letters were just drafts I scribbled during lunch break.”
“No. After Shuuji-senpai read the letter, he seemed much livelier. So I promised him that I'd
write a love letter to him every day.”
“What?!”
I shouted.
Write a love letter everyday…?
“Konoha-senpai, I will really have to depend on you on this. You could write such fantastic
letters during mere lunch breaks, this won‟t trouble you at all.”
She, with her utmost sincere and trustful tone, held my hand up with both her hands.
On the following day, after the end of the first period, Takeda came to my classroom again.
“Konoha-senpai, good morning! Shuuji-senpai loved yesterday‟s letter as well. Konoha-senpai is
so amazing; you're a genius! You'll definitely become a bestselling author one day.”
“Ha…haha…thanks. Here is today‟s letter.”
“Wah, thank you. I have math next class. I'll try to find time to review the letter. I hope Shuujisenpai
will like this as well.”
“Yeah…”
My smile became a bit strained.
Tooko-senpai snickered and said that I had brought this onto myself.
“So, you'll stick with Takeda to the end, right? You literary giant?”
With her legs resting sideways on her chair, Tooko-senpai held a paperback book with one of her
hands. Her clear black pupils were staring sideways at me.
In her hand was American writer Scott Fitzgerald‟s “The Great Gatsby.”
“You know, wasn‟t it you who forcefully dumped Takeda on me? Furthermore, wasn‟t it you
who set up that strange mailbox in the school backyard?”
“I didn‟t forcefully dump Takeda on you; I only recommended you to her. What I said was „If
the writer is Konoha, your letters will be amazing. He'll discuss the details with you.‟ Also...”
Tooko‟s skinny body leaned forward. As her chest moved forward her chair started to creak. Her
bright red lips gave way of a smile. “Who said that the letters were written offhandedly during
lunch breaks? I never said anything like that. Was it you?”
“Huh!”
I couldn‟t countered what she said. Tooko-senpai affectionately closed her eyes.
“Ah, Takeda‟s love should be going well! What kinds of reports will she write? Will it be a
strawberry cake covered with fresh cream, or will it be an orange wine slightly added, a bit sour
yet sweet chocolate cake? The layered taste of a fluffy sponge cake that has custard sauce spread
all over it doesn‟t sound bad as well.”
Her head has again filled with the idea of desserts. Perhaps she got hungry as she thought, Senpai
started to gently tear the pages of „The Great Gatsby‟ apart; she put the piece into her mouth one
by one.
“Hm! So good. Firzgerald‟s literature has such an extravagant taste. Pretense, pride, the feverish
waltz, I can just taste the shiny caviar and champagne in a party. I put it into my mouth, a soft
bite is that‟s all that‟s needed to diffuse the delicate layer of film; the rich scent of liquor swirls
around my tongue. I really want to give the main character Gatsby my most sincere wishes.”
That Gatsby‟s former lover Daisy is married to another man. Didn‟t Gatsby get dumped by Daisy
many times, and he finally became disillusion towards love? How could that have an
“extravagant taste?” Shouldn‟t the taste be sour….forget it, each person has his own subjective
sense towards literature…
“Ah!”
Tooko-senpai suddenly shouted. She sounded as if the end of the world were here.
Then her eyebrows became downcast, and she looked dejected.
“What should I do, this book belongs to the school library, and I ate it~~~~”
At the end, I accompanied Tooko-senpai to the library to apologize for the damaged book. We
told the librarian that “we accidentally dropped the book.” (I went with Tooko-senpai because
she said she felt embarrassed apologizing alone, so she forced me to go as well.)
The following day, Takeda, as usual, ran to my classroom.
“How are things between you and Shuuji-senpai? Have you guys talked about starting a new
relationship yet?”
We left the classroom together, and started to converse in the hallway.
“Wah, I never thought you would worry about me, thank you so much. Konoha-senpai is so
caring!” [TL note: sincerely, not sarcastic]
I blushed. No, it‟s not like that…I asked because I don‟t want to write any more letters. If you
two hurry up and become a pair, then I won‟t have to write anymore…
“Actually, thanks to the letters Konoha-senpai writes, the distance between Shuuji-senpai and I
are closer than ever before. There is only just a tiny bit more to go, my feeling tells me that‟s all
that‟s needed for this love to succeed.”
“Really? Then you'll have to take charge and pull him towards you!”
I encouraged her. Takeda seemed to deeply agree with me, and rapidly nodded her head.
“Yes, I will pull him even harder. I'm also upholding my part of the deal- I have started writing
the report, look!”
As she said it, she happily showed me the notebook she was holding to her chest. The dimension
of the notebook was only about half the size of a regular textbook. A yellow duck is printed on
its cover. Even though she said she was bad at writing, she seemed motivated enough.
“It's a bit embarrassing, but I find recording things that happened to the person I love so cheering.
But, if I just give this to Senpai to read, you will definitely think that I only record insignificant
events. So I need to go over the whole thing again.”
“Well, since you seem all fired up, maybe you can write the love letters yourself?”
Takeda covered her face with her notebook, and shook her head.
“No, that‟s too embarrassing. But, you're right. I really do want to write my own letters. But
before then, I'll still have to depend on you, Konoha-senpai.”
Sigh, do I still remain as the writer of others‟ love letters?
At this moment, Takeda suddenly looked at me uncomfortably.
The top part of her face that‟s not hidden by the notebook seemed to have lost all its confidence.
“Hmm…Are you finding my requests troublesome?”
I secretly gasped.
“Why would I! That‟s nonsense! I am very glad to be at your service to write love letters, ha ha
ha.”
Again I hid what was on my mind.
Upon hearing what I said, a blissful smile appeared on Takeda‟s face once again.
“That‟s fantastic! Then, I'll ask for your help tomorrow!”
She became energetic again. As she waved her hands, ready to trip at the same time, she happily
took her leave.
Sigh, I really am a fake do-gooder.
As I returned to my classroom dejectedly, the male classmates all taunted me with lines like
“your girlfriend comes to visit you every day” “you've already gotten yourself a freshman, I
never knew you were that good.”
“What, things are not like what you all are imagining.”
As I chuckled, I tried to steer them away from this topic.
I don‟t want to standout too much, as that would irritate others. For me, the extra risk of being
too noticeable is not worth the trouble. Even if the sky drops me a present, I still won‟t just take
it as if I deserved it. I'm just a normal person.
When I returned to my seat, I felt someone staring at me. I looked around, and there really was a
student staring intensely at me.
She is Kotobuki Nanase.
Her hair, dyed brown, stands out from other classmates. Her facial features are all very well
defined; she looks like a modern girl one would find in the rowdier part of a major city. She
possesses a very straightforward way of talking. All these features make her quite a popular
person in my class.
I often hear my fellow male classmates describe her as such- “Kotobuki-san‟s temper is not the
best in the world, but she is quite hot.”
I don‟t think she likes me. I came to this conclusion because since the start of the school term in
April, she always stares at me coldly.
I don‟t remember doing anything to her that could cause her to stare intensely at me. Ah, right,
yesterday…
As I absentmindedly mused over the thought, Kotobuki-san sternly walked to my desk. She put
out her right hand, and said to me crudely:
“Give me 460 yen.”
“What?”
“It‟s the replacement price for the book that was „accidentally dropped.‟ It‟s written in the school
code, right? Those who damage or lose library books need to pay the replacement fee.”
“But you said it was okay yesterday?”
Yesterday when I went with Tooko-senpai to apologize, the librarian that was manning the
library‟s help desk was, quite unexpectedly, Kotobuki-san.
At that time I secretly swore at my luck. Why did the work schedule have to choose Kotobuki?
Things won‟t be settled that easily then.
Even though Kotobuki had a stern face at that time, and her attitude could hardly be describe as
friendly, she said-
“You didn‟t intentionally damage the book. This can‟t be help. Please be careful next time.”
And just like that she let Tooko-senpai go.
But now she wants someone to pay for that 460yen? And that someone has to be me? The person
who damaged (no, or should I say „ate‟) the book was Tooko-senpai!
The moment I pointed out the fallacy in her reasoning to Kotobuki san, she raised her eyebrows,
and crudely said-
“I can‟t just go and ask that Tooko Amano-senpai for the replacement fee. She's a very important
supporter for the library. She knows better than anyone else where each book is placed at. In
addition many student librarians have received her help one way or the other. When I was in first
year, I was unfamiliar with the location of various books; however, thanks to Amano-senpai‟s
help, I completed my tasks successfully. So, Inoue, pay up for Senpai.”
“Hm, Kotobuki-san, don‟t you find your reasoning a bit illogical?”
“Absolutely not.” (She replied with absolute certainty)
Wah, she replied without any hesitation. I don‟t like to get involved in arguments with other
people, so I took out my wallet, put a 500 yen coin onto Kotobuki‟s outstretched palm, and then
bowed down to her apologetically.
“My club president has troubled you. I apologize for her.”
Kotobuki-san tightly clenched the coin, and held her lips high.
“I'll give you the change later on. If you tell Tooko-senpai any of this, I will beat you.”
What is the world coming to? Why should I help clean up the mess Tooko-senpai leave behind?
I thought those were all the things Kotobuki-san wanted to say, but she continued to stand at the
same place and glare at me.
“…hey, recently there's this first year girl who keeps on coming to see you. Are you in a
relationship with her?”
“You mean Takeda? There's nothing between us.”
“Really? That girl is also a student librarian, so I know her. She looks like an impressionable girl,
the kind that pedophiles would probably go for. You two are really not in a relationship?”
„The kind that pedophiles would go for‟…isn‟t that a bit harsh? But then again, if I talked back
to her, she would get even madder.
So I just smiled and said-
“I was entrusted by Tooko-senpai to be Takeda‟s consultant.”
And then, Kotobuki-san‟s eyebrows rose even higher. Now she looks furious.
Ah, damn. Did I say anything wrong again?
Kotobuki took a deep breath, and looked at me coldly-
“Forget it…what you do with your love life is none of my business. But, if you two are truly not
together, then there is no need to intentionally lead her to the hallway or other deserted places to
talk. Doing so would only make other people suspicious of your intentions.”
After she said this jarring warning, she left my desk without looking back once.
Next class was Japanese History. I tried to copy down what the teacher wrote on the board onto
my notebook, but my mind was elsewhere- I must hurry and bring Takeda and Shuuji-senpai
together…
The thorny tone of Kotobuki, along with what she said, left a straining feeling in my mind.
Ahhh, what should I do? Should I just give in and write a supremely flirty love letter for Takeda?
As the class went on, grey thick clouds started to displace the clear blue sky. Raindrops started to
land on the windows panels.
(It‟s starting to rain…I think I put my umbrella in a drawer in the Literary Club room…)
◇ ◇ ◇
As I grew older, I became more and more aware that the difference and the gap between
how I think and how others think was increasing. Things that sadden or pleased others, I
do not feel anything. Not even a tiny bit of these events resonate with my emotion.
Why do others feel happy?
Why do others feel sad?
During track and field competitions or ball games, when everyone excitedly cheered for
their teams; or a classmate was about to transfer schools, when everyone sadly said
farewell to them, I would be like a linguistically challenged foreigner. I stood among others,
and I felt unease spreading throughout my body. I would wane my body posture. My
stomach would start to twist itself. Other people are talking non-stop, yet I know nothing of
what they say.
One day, someone stuffed lit firecrackers into the mouth of the class‟s pet bunny. The
bunny died horrendously. When the class found out about this, everyone were mourning
for its death; I, instead, only felt extremely disquiet. I fixated my stare on my toes, and I
shrunk my posture as much as possible.
Why am I not feeling anything from the death of the rabbit?
I tried to recall the cute images of the rabbit prior to its doom. I tried to imagine its soft fur.
I laboriously attempted to cultivate the sorrowful emotions, yet my emotion remained as
blank as ever. There is no way I can squeeze out even a single tear drop. I secretly looked
around, and only I was not crying.
At that instance, I felt my whole neck turn fiercely red, and my ears started to ring. I felt
extremely shameful and scared. Why? Why is everyone crying? Ah, I really don‟t
understand. But, if only I appear emotionless when everyone else is crying, others will find
it strange, so I must make myself cry. But my face is so stiff that it is impossible. My face
started to blush again. If others noticed I am only faking my sadness, what should I do? I
cannot lift my head, not now. So I lowered my head even further, and put on a melancholic
expression. Ah, this time everyone is laughing together. What is so funny about it? I really
don‟t know. But, if I don‟t have the same reaction as others, they will label me as a queer,
and I would have no friends.
Now is the time to laugh. I must laugh, and laugh. No, let‟s cry, and cry. No, the reaction
for this should be laughter, I must react with laughter.
Ah, this ability appears straightforward to everyone else, yet I couldn‟t do it. I really am a
queer, an oddball.
Because I am unable to have the same emotional response as others, my shame and my fear
twist my stomach into knots. If everyone found out about this, they would look at me coldly.
Amongst a flock of white sheep, I feel like the peculiar black sheep.
I cannot experience the joy my companions can feel, or the sadness my companions can feel,
or the hunger my companions can feel.
Alien to its companions‟ feelings of affection- love, kindness, empathy, and many others, all
the tragic black sheep can do is covers its black fur with white powder, and pretends to be
a white sheep.
If my companions found out I am just a black sheep, would they charge at me with their
horns? Would they trample me with their hooves? I hope I never find out. Please don‟t let
others find out my secret.
Whenever a raindrop landed on me, whenever a gust blew past me, would the white dust I
sprayed onto my body fall off? Would someone yell “He is a black sheep!” I fear this. So
fearful is my mind I could not even muster a trace of serenity. But if I don‟t do this, I would
have no other ways.
In front of my parents, teachers, and classmates, I struggle to act and react politely. I act
goofily, just to make others like me. Ah, I sincerely hope that no one will ever find out that
I am a monster who lacks a human heart. I hope I can camouflage myself into a mere silly
and idiotic clown, just to make others laugh with me, pity me, forgive me. And this can go
on forever and ever and so will I.
Even now I am still wearing the mask, and playing the part of the clown.
◇ ◇ ◇
“Wow, it‟s raining pretty hard.”
It was right after school hours now, and I was walking in the dusky hallway.
The time was not very late, yet the sky outside the windows was dark. The sky was filled with
grey clouds. The arrows of rain being fired at the ground let out a cold sound.
The air was moist, and chilly.
“Didn‟t the weather forecast say that there is only 50% chance of precipitation?”
I hope the umbrella I placed in the club room is still there.
When it rained last week, at that time I opened the drawer only to find that the umbrella I placed
there was gone.
“Ah, sorry. When it rained last week, I borrowed your umbrella, but I forgot to put it back.”
Tooko-senpai flatly said.
And so both of us ran back home, in the rain, without anything to shield us.
“Remember to put the umbrella back after you borrow it!”
“Okay! But see, the way we were running in the rain, don‟t you feel like „Ahhh, this is youth?‟”
(That Senpai, she keeps on treating other people‟s things as her things, and her things still as her
things…)
Is she Jaian? Maybe that‟s also why I got forced to join the Literary Club?
(Hmmm…this is an unanswerable enigma.)
I am the student on class duty today. By the time I finished all the things the teacher asked me to
do, the time was already quite late. Right now Tooko-senpai must be knocking on her chair,
endlessly whining “So hungry.” There are many old books in the club classroom, but their
conditions aren't very good.
“If I eat these expired books, I will get stomach aches.”
Tooko-senpai once said.
“But, if the old books have been cared for properly, they must taste as delicious as ripen French
Wine or Truffles. Ah, just imagining the taste of it makes me salivate! Also also, the original
handwritten works of Natsume, Ogai, or Mushanokouis in the Literary Museum! I don‟t think
there is anything else in this world that is as delicious as them! Even if I do get a stomach ache, I
still want to have a bite.”
She looked serious when she said that. The image of Tooko-senpai sneaking into the Literary
Museum appeared in my mind, and I became a bit concerned.
“Ah, darn. I forgot my history textbook.”
The History teacher Saeguki-sensei is very strict, and I have his class tomorrow; I figured I
should study for it tonight. So I head back to the classroom.
Maybe because it‟s raining, the deserted hallway seemed very quiet.
As I was about to reach out to the classroom door‟s handle and open it, I heard voices coming
out from inside the classroom. It sounded like there were female classmates causally chatting
inside.
Because they were all girls, I hesitated whether I should just barge in. As I hesitated, I overheard
what they are chatting about.
“Ehh, Eri is aiming for Akutagawa too. Really?”
“Uhh, doesn‟t Mori -chan like Akutagawa as well? Then you two are love rivals.
“Wait a second. I like Akutagawa too. I think he is a very good person.”
“Ehhhhh. Miki too? Then there are three people…..?”
It seems like they are talking about which boys they like.
Of course, this „Akutagawa‟ that is the subject of their discussion is not the literary giant
„Akutagawa‟ instead they are referring to a classmate of ours. That classmate Akutagawa is very
tall, and is truly a man of few words. He looks quite mature and wise. You can tell just by
looking that he is the type girls like.
But, I am troubled now. It is quite hard for me to just wander into the classroom when they are in
the middle of a personal and intimate talk.
“Yay. I like Hirosaki, and I don‟t have any love competitors~”
“What? Suzuno you like Hirosaki?”
“Hehe, I have a thing for the rebellious type of guys. In fact, this Saturday we are going to meet
up in the Aquarium to watch the dolphins play.”
“Ehhhhh!”
“When did you two started going out!”
“It‟s only been a month since we changed classes. Aren‟t you a quick mover!”
“And to think that I've only got to the „Hello!‟ and „Bye!‟ stage with Akutagawa. Wait Suzuno!
Next time we're going to a sale, you're treating me to ice cream!”
“Me too! And I don‟t want single scoop, I want double scoops!”
“Wah, I need to buy new clothing for the date, so my budget is a bit tight this month. You two
are only allowed to buy 50 yen ice cream.”
The cheerful sound of girls‟ laughter was carried into my ears. They seem to be enjoying
themselves very much.
Uhhh…maybe I should go to the club first, and then come back later.
“Then, next up is Nanase.”
“Yeah. Eve~~~ryone has confessed who they like. So now you need to „fess up to us as well.”
Nanase? Nanase Kotobuki-san? It appears that Kotobuki is in the classroom as well.
“Don‟t tell us, Nanase likes Akutagawa as well?”
“Wahhhhh, don‟t let that be true. Nanase is very beautiful. I have no chance of winning against
her.”
“I…”
From the other side of the door, I heard Kotobuki‟s voice.
I knew eavesdropping is to be frowned upon, but I was also curious who that harsh and prideful
Kotobuki likes. So I subconsciously held my breath and listen on.
“I don‟t have any specific person I like. But I do have a person I hate…”
“Ehh, who?”
“Inoue Konoha”
Kotobuki-san plainly said my name.
My mind became blank all of a sudden. I couldn‟t think. Then I felt my whole head heat up.
“Ehh, why? Inoue-kun seems very nice. He doesn‟t seem the kind that would do things other
people hate.” “That‟s right. Doesn‟t he seem as harmless as air?” “His personality is a bit plain.
But~~~~if you look at him closely, he actually looks pretty cute.”
“Yeah. He always talks gently, and he smiles a lot.”
Suddenly, Kotobuki became irritated and frustratedly said:
“This is why I find him disgusting. He keeps on showing that phony smile to everyone. No one
can understand what he's actually thinking. The sight of him makes me sick.”
From my face to my ears, I started to turn red. Even my hands started to shake. My throat started
to hurt.
Why are you saying that about me? I know you don‟t like me. But why do you need to derogate
me with such contempt in front of everyone?
I really just want to run away from the scene. But my pride won‟t let me; instead I reached out
my hand, and pulled open the classroom door. As I walked in, all the girls turned around and
noticed me.
I acted as if I didn‟t hear anything. I opened my eyes wide to act surprised.
“Eh? You all are staying behind? Sorry, did I interrupted something?”
All the girls looked flushed. I walked quickly to my desk, took out my history textbook, and put
it into my backpack.
“I forgot to pack my textbook. I'll need it for tomorrow~”
Kotobuki became furiously red and stared at me. I intentionally looked at her, and tried my
hardest to put on a smile.
“Then, bye.”
The female students hurriedly answered with sounds resembling “b-bye.”
Only Kotobuki-san, who raised her chin and tightly closed her lips, stared intensely at me.
(I am bitter, and ashamed)
In the damp and dark hallway, I dragged myself through it with a wretched mind.
(„He keeps on showing that phony smile to everyone. No one can understand what he's actually
thinking. The sight of him makes me sick.‟)
Compared to those who only think for themselves, those who keep on getting into conflicts with
others, those who keep on ruining the mood for the sole purpose of expressing their own
opinions, isn‟t it better just to be quiet and just go along with whatever other people have in
mind?
Sometimes this is the only way to get along with others.
But why, why do you have to describe me as „disgusting‟?
(It‟s not like I was born to like laughing hollowly!)
Something intensely hot suddenly rushed up from my throat. I wanted to scream-
(I wasn‟t like that before! Before that happened I…)
-----Konoha, you always laugh so cheerfully~.
-----And, when you are annoyed, when you are mad, when you are anxious, all these emotions
just flow out and surface on your face. It‟s so easy to understand you. You are like a little puppy,
so cute and simple.
So mean, I am not a little puppy! Whenever I countered her, she always covered her mouth with
her hand and let out a ringing, bell-like, pleasing laugh.
-----See, you are annoyed again. You are so easy to see through. But, that‟s what I like about you.
Whenever Konoha is near me, I feel at ease.
(When I was in junior high, I had a girl I loved. I, like everyone else, had been involved in a love
relationship.)
Whenever I heard her voice, my heartbeat would rise. Every line she said to me, they were the
special treasures heaven granted me. I put all of them into the deepest part of my heart. Every
night before I went to sleep, I would take these presents out and admire them.
And just like this, everyday of my live was blissful. I always had a true smile on my face.
But my love, just like Gatsby‟s from “The Great Gatsby”, had a ruinous ending. And then I
learnt to lie.
◇ ◇ ◇
I tried my best to play the part of a „human‟, and played it well.
Everyone around me described me as optimistic, cheerful, and gentle.
Whenever someone derogated me or mocked me, I didn‟t care- in fact I felt light-hearted.
But whenever someone said I am empathic and gentle, my stomach would start to spasm, I
would feel very bad.
Whenever I hunger for other people's acceptance, I would act silly and make everyone
laugh, or I would fake my love for puppies; In reality I was so ashamed, my face feels like it
is on fire.
Why do I say that? Because everything is fake. They are only the products of my imitations.
Because I am not what others say I am, a gentle and empathic soul. These are just parts of
my scam.
Therefore, whenever someone complimented me, I have the urge to scream “Ahhgg!”, even
to the point of having the impulse of getting a knife and stabbing myself to death.
Katsutou [TL note: probably the name of his dog] doesn‟t know about any of my internal
conflicts. Whenever I pat its head, it would wag its tail and inch over to me. It too must
have thought I am a gentle and empathic human.
The girl who told me that she likes me, is every bit as innocent as the dog.
She is a pure and positive girl. She always laughs without worries, just like a little kid.
How great would it be, if I were like her.
But, to such a peaceful and innocent girl, I too despise her with all my being.
◇ ◇ ◇
Tooko-senpai had put her short-socks wearing, bent legs on the chair she was sitting on. As she
listened to the rain outside , both of her hands were holding up a book to read.
Today her snack was a lavishly decorated hard cover copy of the “Iliad”. This is an epic poem by
the great blind poet Homer that describes the Trojan War of Troy.
Her shiny, cat-tail-like, black French braids extended all the way to her waist. The image of long
and organized eyebrows softly casted themselves onto her pupils. Her slender index finger gently
caressed her lips. This was a strange hobby Tooko-senpai did when she read. Sometimes she
would even suck on her index finger.
The raindrops had wet the dirt-covered window panels. There was no sight of the sunshine from
the sunset.
I stopped writing the composition, and asked Tooko-senpai:
“Tooko-senpai, do you have someone you like?”
“What? What did you say?”
Whenever Tooko-senpai concentrates on her readings, she often come oblivious to sounds
around her.
“Ah, is the snack done?”
Suddenly a brilliant shine appeared on Tooko‟s face. Only this topic can divert the attention of
the concentrating Senpai. One could say it was part of her essence of being.
“I'm asking you, do you have someone you like?”
“Of course. Let‟s see, Gallico, Dickens, Dumas, Stendhal, Chekhov, Shakespeare, Alcott,
Montgomery, Farjeon, Lindgren, MacLachlan, Cartland, Jordan, Ihara Saikaku, Natsume
Souseki, Mori Ougai, Miyagiwa Kenji, and Kimura Yuuichi are some of the people I like. Also
there are…”
The sight of Senpai starting to salivate as she lists more and more authors is a bit too much for
me. I hurriedly cut her off.
“I am not asking what your favourite food is. Furthermore, who are Cartland and Jordan? The
basketball player?”
“Gosh, you don‟t know Barbara Cartland and Penny Jordan? They are both famous Romance
novelists. You must read Cartland‟s „The Flame is Love‟, a story about a daughter of an
American oil tycoon who hid her own identity while falling in love with a rich handsome guy.
Jordan‟s „Silver‟ was adapted as a manga series. I too wholeheartedly recommend this book. The
book is about an innocent girl called Geraldine, who was betrayed by the person she loved. She
was in so much distress that her black hair turned silver in one night. So she decided to seek
revenge. For that, she found a handsome love instructor to provide her with love expertise and
tutors. It was a course filled with thi~~~~~ck and sweet love to the rim. That instructor is so sexy,
so perfect that he is unbeatable.”
Ah ah, we are getting more and more off topic.
“I know. Say no more. I am not asking you about that……Tooko-senpai, have you ever been in
love?”
“Eh?”
Tokoo Senpai tilts her head and looks confused.
“Carp?” [TL note: In Japanese, the word „love‟ (戀, koi) has the same pronunciation as „carp‟
(鯉) ]
“Not the edible koi. It‟s the love koi. L-O-V-E.”
“I am always in love with food.”
“As I said I am not asking about what food you love. I am asking have you ever fallen in love
with another human being.” I don‟t know why, but I suddenly feel tired. No matter how
miserable I feel, I am a moron for attempting to converse with this person on the subject of love.
When I finished my sentence, Tooko-senpai put on a faraway expression and quietly smiled.
What the. It's like someone was playing the theme song of a hardboiled drama movie [TL: I
don‟t know what this means], the mood in the room changed to solemn and serious. Don‟t tell
me Tooko-senpai had some painful experiences with love?
“I….am in a love Daisatsukai .”[TL note: 大殺界(„big kill dimension‟) is a reading of a type of
Chinese Astrology (六星占術, Rokusei Senjutsu, „six-star astrology)). Daisatsukai is the worst
reading you can get.]
“Ha? What does that mean?”
I had expected something unexpected, and yet at the end I still got startled. I raise my voice and
asked.
Tooko-senpai kept on staring at the rain-washed window panel with a dreamy expression
appearing in her eyes. She, with a sad tone, said-
“At the beginning of this year, I went to ShinXXXX‟s Mother [TL note: 新宿の母, A very
famous Japanese fortune teller in, where else, Shinjuku. Censored for trademark reasons)] to
have my love fortune told. And she said „you have the love daisatsukai since you were born.
Even if you try to have a relationship, it will 100% end in failure. So, don‟t waste your time on
love, concentrate your attentions on something else like academic work or a hobby.‟”
“ShinXXXX‟s Mother, you mean the one who set up a stand at the corner of the IXXtan
Department Store [株式会社伊勢丹(Isetan), a large department store ], the one that always has
many people lining up to have their fortunes read? You went to line up as well?”
“Yes. And it snowed hard that day. It was so cold.”
“Why did you choose to go when it was snowing?”
“I thought that there would be no one waiting if it was snowing. Indeed, I only waited thirty
minutes before it was my turn.”
My head started to hurt again.
“You really wanted ShinXXX‟s Mother to tell your love fortune?”
“I really am a girl, of course I care about my love fortune. And to think that all I got was the love
daisatsukai…gosh. But, the sensei said that the curse will end in seven years. And then I would
finally meet my man of destiny.”
After she said that, incrediblely, Senpai changed from a hardboiled expression to a blissful
expression. She even moved her upper body towards me and said:
“‟In the summer seven years from now, in front of a bear that has a carp in its mouth, you will
fall in love with a man in a white scarf. He will be your destined lover. Your love line [TL:
windows of love period in one‟s life] is very short, so this is your only chance in you life. I
recommend that you must do what you can to succeed.‟ I was actually quite disappointed by this;
I mean you have to wait seven years.”
“Why would the man be wearing a scarf in summer? Furthermore, you would probably get eaten
by the bear before you two fall in love.”
Upon hearing that, Tooko-senpai puffed her cheek and became annoyed.
“Konoha-kun can't fantasize at all.”
“Or rather, you fantasize too much.”
“That‟s why I am the Literary Shoujo.”
“Please don‟t use that as the excuse for everything. Gosh, forget it. Sorry for interrupting your
readings.”
A look of puzzlement appeared on Tooko-senpai‟s face.
“Hmm…did something happen? Konoha-kun?”
“Nothing…”
“Do you…have someone…you like?”
I moved my face away.
As the raindrops landed on the window panels, they gave out knocking sounds.
“I don‟t have anyone I like. No one, no nothing. This is for the best…”
Nothing will happen.
Fall in love with no one.
No pain, sorrow, nor despair, and I will live normally forever.
I pray to myself every day that this is true.
I think I will never fall in love in my life.
“…”
Tooko-senpai silently stared at me.
A year ago, when I was forced to join the Literary Club, Tooko-senpai also had that sorrowful
expression on her face. That childish Tooko-senpai could also have these kinds of expressions;
my mind was filled with shame and remorse for making her sad.
“Sorry, I'll call it a day and go home.”
I couldn‟t stand the awkward silent mood. So I put the finished compositions on the table and
stood up.
I opened the rusty drawer, and sure enough, the umbrella that should be there was gone.
“Take it.”
Tooko-senpai handed me a light purple collapsible umbrella and smiled.
“I borrowed your umbrella, so use mine for today.”
“Tooko-senpai, why?”
“Nothing in particular. I just want to use the long umbrella.”
“…is that right. I will be using yours then.”
“Sure. See your tomorrow. Bye bye.”
Tooko-senpai was still smiling as she waved goodbye to me.
I walked down the staircase and opened the umbrella. In the raining sky of grey, the purple
flower, with a bang, blossomed completely.
Purple is Tooko-senpai‟s favourite color. I often see her with small items like a purple
handkerchief or an automatic pencil.
“The rain…doesn‟t look like it‟s going to stop.”
I hold up my umbrella, and stood motionlessly.
I am probably holding the only umbrella she has.
I know Tooko-senpai lied to me.
After I became a high school student, whenever I faced my classmates, I always had a mask on
my face. I intentionally kept my distance with them. Even when I laughed with them, the laughs
were not real. When Kotobuki-san criticize me for this, I only felt disquiet; but when I face
Tooko-senpai, the real me always come out.
Whenever I see Tooko-senpai perplexed or sad, I would think to myself „Even if it's fake, I
should still always smile for her.‟ Yet every time I'm in front of her, I find it hard to smoothly
change my tone and expression. How pitiful.
What should I do? How do I improve my lying skills?
After I improve my lies, then none of us will be hurt.
I looked at the dripping cold rain, and tried to guess how long Tooko-senpai needs to wait before
she can go home.
At the other end of the school complex, a uniformed girl student came out.
(It‟s Takeda-san)
She noticed me as well, so she stopped her steps.
She took a deep breath, and opened her eyes wide.
With a coarse voice, she mutters “Shuuji…senpai.”
Eh?
Right after that, Takeda san kneeled down and started crying.
“What happened, Takeda-san?
Takeda-san didn‟t answer. Instead she put her wet body and face onto my chest. She wrapped her
arms around my back and started crying again. She looked very painful, with her eyes closed,
and her endless stream of tears.
As I was holding my bag and the umbrella, I couldn‟t embrace her back. Also, this was the first
time I experienced this kind of event, so I was at a loss as to what to do. What happened with
Shuuji-senpai? Just as I was about to ask her-
“Chii!”
A boy who was around my age called for her.
Suddenly, the kneeled down Takeda-san shuddered once in my chest.
“Chii?”
The voice was from the direction that Takeda came from, and it was getting closer. The voice
was filled with puzzlement. Suddenly Takeda-san grabbed my wrist.
“Ta,Takeda-san…wait!”
Takeda-san tightly gritted her teeth together, and looked bewildered. She pulled on my wrist and
started dragging me away.
“Takeda-san, he's calling for „Chii‟. Is he calling for you? That person, is he trying to find
Takeda-san?”
“No, I can‟t answer.” [TL note: or “I can‟t answer him.” ie. I can‟t let him find me]
Takeda-san frightenedly said. So just like this, she dragged me into the building.
In the split second as we entered the building, I saw a navy blue umbrella-holding boy looking
around and coming in our general direction. But since the timing was too short, I didn‟t see his
face; I couldn‟t identify who he was.
When we arrived at the school courtyard, Takeda-san finally let go of my wrist. Then she
kneeled down and, with shaking shoulders, started crying again.
◇ ◇ ◇
I said to that girl, we can try going out.
That girl, just like a little puppy, showed an innocent smile.
She has complete untainted trust in me. She entrusts her everything to me.
She is just a naïve, pure, kind hearted, positive, white sheep that is blessed and loved by
god.
A girl like her, makes me fill with jealousy and contempt. At the same time, I couldn‟t stop
my longing for her pureness.
Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, this child, can change my being.
People often say, love can change a person.
Perhaps this girl can save me from my destruction.
Maybe from now on, I will no longer be a loveless, apathetic monster. I will become a real
human.
Ahh, please, please I am begging you, please let that taintless ray of light save me.
But, if she ever found out that I have killed a person before, would she still love me? Would
she still find me a gentle and empathetic person?
I am a monster.
On that day, the soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red blood
spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared hollowly at the
scene.
I. killed. a person.
Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter2
Chapter 2 – The Most Delicious Story In This World
◇ ◇ ◇
The first time I noticed my deviancy was when my grandmother, who treasured me very
much, passed away from this world.
I remember after my grandmother had the heart attack, she had to stay on her bed all the
time. Whenever I came near her bed to visit her, she would always gently stroke my head
and say, “You are such a good child.” She would look pleased. Her eyes would squeeze into
two tiny lines as she smiled.
But I was not what my grandmother thought I was- an obedient and empathic child. Her
scrawny hands, her shriveled up face, her muddle white hair, and the disgusting medicine
stench emitted from her body, all these revolted and horrified me to no end.
“You are such a good child.”
Every time she used that coarse voice to whisper to my ears, I would feel like she had laid a
jinx on me. My neck would become stiff, my body would shudder.
If grandmother found out I was not a good child; if she found out that I loathed her- no
doubt she would stand straight up from her bed. Her white hair would stand on their ends
like a yashya , red flames would come out of her hazes, and that would swallow me alive. I
was really frightened by these thoughts, so dreaded that I would lie in bed at night, eyes
wide open, cold sweat coming off my back.
So, I became even more careful. Careful so that she could not see my true face. I tried even
harder to be a good child. I would deliver her three meals every day. I would wipe her
sweat. I did all I could to comfort her. I even placed my face onto her chest, and sweetly
said “I love you, grandma,” or I would kiss her cheek.
The skin of the senile grandmother was as dry as arid leaves, and reeked of those repulsive
medicines. I was really scared that her disease would infect me as well. Every time I was
done I would dash to the washroom. I would rinse and brush my mouth as hard as I could.
I brushed so hard sometimes my gum starts to bleed, and blood would seeps all over my
cavity. At this point, I often felt I was a very bad child who only knew how to lie well. My
throat would start to ache, and my face would become red hot.
One day, grandmother‟s body became cold. She would not move anymore.
“You really are a kind and sweet good child.”
As grandmother muttered this as if to herself, her hand, which was patting my head,
dropped down suddenly. Her face became as pale as a wax candle. I did not feel sad. I just
left the just deceased grandmother‟s body on the bed, and ran to the city park to play. I
went back to my home near sunset. As I entered the door, my mom immediately ran to me
and hugged me. She said, “Grandma died.” At that time, however, my heart was strangely
as calm as a desolate forest.
After a few days, the funeral service for grandmother started. During the service, I did not
shed a single tear. All the adults in the event noticed this and talked amongst themselves:
“It is probably because he is so young. He doesn‟t understand that his favorite
grandmother has passed away. What a tragedy!”
When I heard the adults say that, a great sense of shame swelled inside of me. My ears
became very hot. I could not lift my face up and stare ahead. But that wasn‟t because I was
sad for my grandmother‟s death; No, I was ashamed of my deceitful acts.
And that, since I was small, is how I lived my life.
◇ ◇ ◇
(What a hassle! How could I write a love letter?!)
The time was the following day‟s morning class.
As the class started, I too had started a laborious war against my first love letter in life. I half
covered the rough drafts on my desk with my school notebooks, and strenuously tried to decide
on the letter‟s style.
“To Kataoka Shuuji-senpai,
I deeply apologize for abruptly writing this letter to you.
I think you must be shocked to receive this.
My name is Takeda Chia. The pronunciation of the word 千愛 is „chi-a‟. I have just entered the
Class 1-2 of Seikudari High School this spring.
Once when I got off from school, I saw Shuuji-senpai practicing in the Archery Club range. I
think you looked wonderful. From then on I had fallen in love with you.”
(Yikes, this won‟t work. The wording is too stern.)
“To Kataoka Shuuji-senpai,
Hello! This is my first time writing to you~~~~~~
I am Takeda Chia, but all my friends call me Chia or Chi-Chan.
I am in Class 1-2. My seat number is eleven, my Zodiac sign is Cancer, and my blood type is B.
This may sound a bit out of the blue, but I must tell you this, I have fallen in love with you
Senpai!
Kyaaa, this is so embrassing!”
(I think just by writing this letter, I am even more embarrassed. This makes me feel like a
moron.)
Just like this, with my face blushing, I rewrite the letter countless times.
What on earth am I doing?
Tooko-senpai, with her know-it-all tone, said this to me-
“Your compositions do not have enough passion in them. This is a good chance for you to
practice, so don‟t slack! Try and imagine Chia‟s heart, and write a love letter that resembles what
a love stricken girl would write- something sweet and sour. Something that will make the readers
feel as if this world is sparkling, so happy that no one can stand it. This is the mood you should
imitate. If you accomplish this, whoever receives this letter will think „Chia is such a cute girl!‟
Then he will realize that he is loved by such a pure and innately beautiful girl, he will be
touched.”
I can‟t stand this. If that‟s the case, then I will stand aside and let Tooko-senpai be the writer.
“I only eat.” She answered shamelessly and snickered.
On the blackboard there was a drawing of the DNA helix structure. The white haired biology
teacher monotonically explained how chromosomes and genetic worked.
Seikudari High School is a well known school for getting into universities, thus most people who
study here are taking down notes seriously. Right now there is only the voice of the teacher, and
the scraping noise of pens agilely grazing on papers. Then again, there are a few who are not
listening to the teacher. They are mostly playing with their cell phones under the desks.
(But none of them are probably listening to the class and writing a love letter at the same time,
right? Writing love letters is not fashionable anymore. Haven‟t most people switched to text
messaging already?)
I suddenly realized that I'm writing a love letter during class time, and my face got even hotter.
(No, that‟s not it. This is not a love letter from me. This is Chia-san‟s love letter. Chia is the
person who likes Shuuji-senpai, not me…eh, why am I vindicating myself.)
I suppose I will listen to Tooko-senpai‟s suggestion and try imitating Chia‟s thoughts and
emotions as I write the letter. So, the first thing I tried to imagine was the face of the love
stricken Chia-
“The student Chia secretly likes is Kataoka Shuuji-senpai. He is an Archery Club 3rd year
student. When I first entered this school, I toured most of the clubs here. When I went to Archery
Club, however, I saw the handsome Shuuji-senpai practicing archery. Shuuji-senpai‟s steadily
pulled~~~~~ the grip and the string apart, and stared at the center of the target intensely. In that
moment, my eyes and the air around me froze; I couldn‟t move my eyes away from him. I
stopped my walk, and with bated breath I watched.
You know, before I saw him, something very bad happened to me, and I was very depressed
around that time.
But by seeing Shuuji-senpai‟s profile, all my distress became a puff of smoke, and floated away.
When Shuuji-senpai‟s arrow shot into the center of the red target, it felt as if his arrow had also
shot into my heart.
Then Shuuji-senpai, bright and kind as a little kid, smiled sweetly. Oh my gosh, that was the
most fantastic smile I had ever seen! Just like that I fell in love with Shuuji-senpai.
I am an athletic idiot, so I can‟t join the Archery Club; but I always go to the range to spy on
Shuuji-senpai. I heard other club members called him Kataoka, Juu, or Juu-chan, that‟s how I
found his name. When Shuuji-senpai is not practicing, he seems to possess a great sense of
humor, quite unlike his sober outer appearance. He always crack jokes and stuff and makes
everyone laugh.
But when he is practicing archery, his serious and imperturbable expression appears. On one
hand, when he is not practicing he seems good natured; on the other hand, when he is practicing,
he looks so focused it's a bit scary. However, if he misses the center, he would let out “ah~~”,
and chuckle goatishly. If he did hit the center, he would be as happy as a child, jumping and
cheering at the same time- “I hit it!”
When Shuuji-senpai is practicing his archery, what is he thinking? I keep on wondering this
question. From that, my whole heart became filled with anything that has to do with Shuujisenpai.
I want to know more about Shuuji-senpai; I also want to let Shuuji-senpai know someone
like me exists.”
Whenever Senpai talked about books, she would start talking incessantly, in much of the same
way as whenever Chia-san talked about Shuuji-senpai.
Her puffy blushing face, with glittering eyes, the happiness and bliss that came from her heart,
just talks and talks about anything that has to do with Shuuji-senpai.
I think I got pretty close to the real thing…Chia-san likes Shuuji-senpai so much- I must at least
try and express that feeling for her in the letter. If Chia-san's confession failed because of my
letter, I would get nightmares every night…
I flipped to a new page of the rough draft paper, and I tried to record down Chia-san's inner
emotions into words bit by bit.
“I want Shuuji-senpai to know me.
I want to know more about Shuuji-senpai.
So I gathered my courage and wrote this letter.”
……
……
“The letter is done. Here you go.”
After school, I folded my papers into four rectangles, and gave them to Chia-san.
“I didn‟t write any rough drafts. I only used my lunch break to write them. They were written
quite sloppily, so I can‟t guarantee their quality…”
“Wahh, thank you so much!”
Chia-san started jumping up and down happily. With an expression of delight, she accepted the
letters.
“Wahh, there are three letters! You wrote so much during the short lunch break? No wonder you
are the ace of the Literature Club.”
“You…you are too kind.”
“Hehe, can I read them out loud?”
Chia-san attempted to open the folded papers, but I hurriedly stopped her.
“Wah, don‟t! Don‟t read them here!”
“Why does it matter, I want to know what‟s written inside as well. Konoha put everything he got
into these love letters!”
As Tooko-senpai smiled mischievously, she slowly walked to Chia San‟s side to peek at the
content of the letters.
I immediately moved in between them.
“No! Absolutely not!”
“Okay, I know. I'll be going home then. I need to get home fast and write down Senpai‟s letters
onto proper papers. I already brought the envelopes- they're light pink, with pictures of sakura
petals printed all over them. They're so cute!”
“Hm, very good! Now go home!”
I hectically tried to sway Chia-san to go home.
“Bye, do you best!”
“Okay, thank you for your help.”
“Don‟t forget to write the reports~~~~~~~”
“I know~~~~~~~”
Chia-san waved her hand holding the letter, and answered happily.
As she left, she fell onto the floor again, but she stood back up right away. She giggled
embarrassedly and went away. All I did was nervously watch her leave.
“Ahh~~~~”, I want to read what‟s written inside. Those are the result of Konoha‟s three days of
non-stop grinding!” When I saw Tooko-senpai, with her arms hugging her bent legs on her chair,
squinting at me, my ears started to burn. This is bad, she saw through me again.
“I can‟t do that. If I let Tooko-senpai have a look, you would want to see what they taste like. All
the letters would then proceed into your stomach.”
I intentionally said that in a mocking tone, so Tooko-senpai became annoyed and raised her
lower lip/chin.
“Hey! I am not that fixated on eating!”
Then she buried her cheeks into her knees, and stared straight with a dazed expression.
Her cat-tail like, long, French braids slid down slowly from her slender shoulders.
“But, so good, love letters. They're so sweet, so tempting to all who see them. Hey, what do you
think the most delicious story in the world is, Konoha-kun?”
“I don‟t know……”
Tooko-senpai gently smiled.
“I think that would be a love letter that my lover, with his most sincere effort, put all his feelings
for me into. In this world, that letter is uniquely for me, and only for me. That would be the thing
I hold most dearly.”
After she said that, an embarrassed yet blissful smile appeared on Senpai‟s face.
“But if that‟s the case, I might treasure the letter so much that I don‟t dare to eat it. Hmmm, this
is quite bothersome. I have the world‟s most delicious food right in front of me, yet I can‟t eat it.
How agonizing!”
Senpai was probably very bothered by the prospect. She pressed on her forehead with her fingers
showing a painful expression on her face. I couldn‟t help but laughed out loud.
“Those kinds of things won't happen, Senpai. On the night you get the love letter, you would
give in to the temptation and eat all there was to eat. I'm willing to bet a Complete Set of
Natsume Souseki‟s Work on this.”
“Ah~~~~”, so mean! You're so mean. You're so not caring about my feelings!”
Senpai sulkily sat down on a chair, and turned her back towards me. She kept herself in that state
until I wrote some composition snacks for her. Only then did her mood improve.
“Fuuu[TL note: ふーんだ, a sfx made while mad]. Next time I will write your name down a
thousand times into a notebook, and then I will tear the pages apart, and eat all the pieces into my
stomach. That should jinx you.”
“That‟s not very mature behavior, Tooko-senpai.”
On the following day‟s lunch break, Takeda-san, with her airily footsteps, came to my classroom.
“Is Konoha-senpai here?”
Upon saying this, a commotion started in the classroom.
I hurriedly stood up.
“Ah, Konoha-senpai!”
Takeda-san waved her hand at me. Everyone‟s attention now turned towards me.
“Takeda-san, follow me.”
I quickly walked down the corridor and turned to the deserted staircase. After she arrived, I
asked her what was up, and she answered me very cheerfully-
“Today when I was going to school, I waited on the road for Shuuji-senpai. I handed the love
letter you wrote for me to him.”
“Oh, that quickly?”
She sure has put her thoughts into actions swiftly. I, on the other hand, cannot be said the same; I
was very impressed at her way of taking immediate actions.
“It was as if my heart was about to leap out. I said to Shuuji-senpai “Please read this.” I gave him
the letter, and then I ran away. After that my mind was hazy- During my morning classes I didn‟t
hear what my friends or my teachers said. All I could think of was 'Shuuji-senpai should have
read the letter by now, what does he think of the letter?'”
“Then what?” I couldn‟t help but clutched my sweating palms together.
“By lunch time my chest felt stiff, and I couldn‟t eat my lunch, so I went to the archery range.
Shuuji-senpai was there and...”
“And?”
Takeda became so happy her face got even redder. She did a victory sign to me.
“He happily thanked me for the letter! He said that while he couldn‟t immediately accept my
confession, we could try starting as senpai-kohai [TL note: think starting as friends].”
“That was pretty good, wasn‟t it?”
I was in a similar state as Takeda; my heart was about to leap out of my chest as well.
“Yes! Shuuji-senpai said he's never received a love letter as cute as this. This is all thanks to
Konoha-senpai. With your skills, no wonder you won the xyz Romance Literature Writing
Contest!”
“Hahaha, those letters were just drafts I scribbled during lunch break.”
“No. After Shuuji-senpai read the letter, he seemed much livelier. So I promised him that I'd
write a love letter to him every day.”
“What?!”
I shouted.
Write a love letter everyday…?
“Konoha-senpai, I will really have to depend on you on this. You could write such fantastic
letters during mere lunch breaks, this won‟t trouble you at all.”
She, with her utmost sincere and trustful tone, held my hand up with both her hands.
On the following day, after the end of the first period, Takeda came to my classroom again.
“Konoha-senpai, good morning! Shuuji-senpai loved yesterday‟s letter as well. Konoha-senpai is
so amazing; you're a genius! You'll definitely become a bestselling author one day.”
“Ha…haha…thanks. Here is today‟s letter.”
“Wah, thank you. I have math next class. I'll try to find time to review the letter. I hope Shuujisenpai
will like this as well.”
“Yeah…”
My smile became a bit strained.
Tooko-senpai snickered and said that I had brought this onto myself.
“So, you'll stick with Takeda to the end, right? You literary giant?”
With her legs resting sideways on her chair, Tooko-senpai held a paperback book with one of her
hands. Her clear black pupils were staring sideways at me.
In her hand was American writer Scott Fitzgerald‟s “The Great Gatsby.”
“You know, wasn‟t it you who forcefully dumped Takeda on me? Furthermore, wasn‟t it you
who set up that strange mailbox in the school backyard?”
“I didn‟t forcefully dump Takeda on you; I only recommended you to her. What I said was „If
the writer is Konoha, your letters will be amazing. He'll discuss the details with you.‟ Also...”
Tooko‟s skinny body leaned forward. As her chest moved forward her chair started to creak. Her
bright red lips gave way of a smile. “Who said that the letters were written offhandedly during
lunch breaks? I never said anything like that. Was it you?”
“Huh!”
I couldn‟t countered what she said. Tooko-senpai affectionately closed her eyes.
“Ah, Takeda‟s love should be going well! What kinds of reports will she write? Will it be a
strawberry cake covered with fresh cream, or will it be an orange wine slightly added, a bit sour
yet sweet chocolate cake? The layered taste of a fluffy sponge cake that has custard sauce spread
all over it doesn‟t sound bad as well.”
Her head has again filled with the idea of desserts. Perhaps she got hungry as she thought, Senpai
started to gently tear the pages of „The Great Gatsby‟ apart; she put the piece into her mouth one
by one.
“Hm! So good. Firzgerald‟s literature has such an extravagant taste. Pretense, pride, the feverish
waltz, I can just taste the shiny caviar and champagne in a party. I put it into my mouth, a soft
bite is that‟s all that‟s needed to diffuse the delicate layer of film; the rich scent of liquor swirls
around my tongue. I really want to give the main character Gatsby my most sincere wishes.”
That Gatsby‟s former lover Daisy is married to another man. Didn‟t Gatsby get dumped by Daisy
many times, and he finally became disillusion towards love? How could that have an
“extravagant taste?” Shouldn‟t the taste be sour….forget it, each person has his own subjective
sense towards literature…
“Ah!”
Tooko-senpai suddenly shouted. She sounded as if the end of the world were here.
Then her eyebrows became downcast, and she looked dejected.
“What should I do, this book belongs to the school library, and I ate it~~~~”
At the end, I accompanied Tooko-senpai to the library to apologize for the damaged book. We
told the librarian that “we accidentally dropped the book.” (I went with Tooko-senpai because
she said she felt embarrassed apologizing alone, so she forced me to go as well.)
The following day, Takeda, as usual, ran to my classroom.
“How are things between you and Shuuji-senpai? Have you guys talked about starting a new
relationship yet?”
We left the classroom together, and started to converse in the hallway.
“Wah, I never thought you would worry about me, thank you so much. Konoha-senpai is so
caring!” [TL note: sincerely, not sarcastic]
I blushed. No, it‟s not like that…I asked because I don‟t want to write any more letters. If you
two hurry up and become a pair, then I won‟t have to write anymore…
“Actually, thanks to the letters Konoha-senpai writes, the distance between Shuuji-senpai and I
are closer than ever before. There is only just a tiny bit more to go, my feeling tells me that‟s all
that‟s needed for this love to succeed.”
“Really? Then you'll have to take charge and pull him towards you!”
I encouraged her. Takeda seemed to deeply agree with me, and rapidly nodded her head.
“Yes, I will pull him even harder. I'm also upholding my part of the deal- I have started writing
the report, look!”
As she said it, she happily showed me the notebook she was holding to her chest. The dimension
of the notebook was only about half the size of a regular textbook. A yellow duck is printed on
its cover. Even though she said she was bad at writing, she seemed motivated enough.
“It's a bit embarrassing, but I find recording things that happened to the person I love so cheering.
But, if I just give this to Senpai to read, you will definitely think that I only record insignificant
events. So I need to go over the whole thing again.”
“Well, since you seem all fired up, maybe you can write the love letters yourself?”
Takeda covered her face with her notebook, and shook her head.
“No, that‟s too embarrassing. But, you're right. I really do want to write my own letters. But
before then, I'll still have to depend on you, Konoha-senpai.”
Sigh, do I still remain as the writer of others‟ love letters?
At this moment, Takeda suddenly looked at me uncomfortably.
The top part of her face that‟s not hidden by the notebook seemed to have lost all its confidence.
“Hmm…Are you finding my requests troublesome?”
I secretly gasped.
“Why would I! That‟s nonsense! I am very glad to be at your service to write love letters, ha ha
ha.”
Again I hid what was on my mind.
Upon hearing what I said, a blissful smile appeared on Takeda‟s face once again.
“That‟s fantastic! Then, I'll ask for your help tomorrow!”
She became energetic again. As she waved her hands, ready to trip at the same time, she happily
took her leave.
Sigh, I really am a fake do-gooder.
As I returned to my classroom dejectedly, the male classmates all taunted me with lines like
“your girlfriend comes to visit you every day” “you've already gotten yourself a freshman, I
never knew you were that good.”
“What, things are not like what you all are imagining.”
As I chuckled, I tried to steer them away from this topic.
I don‟t want to standout too much, as that would irritate others. For me, the extra risk of being
too noticeable is not worth the trouble. Even if the sky drops me a present, I still won‟t just take
it as if I deserved it. I'm just a normal person.
When I returned to my seat, I felt someone staring at me. I looked around, and there really was a
student staring intensely at me.
She is Kotobuki Nanase.
Her hair, dyed brown, stands out from other classmates. Her facial features are all very well
defined; she looks like a modern girl one would find in the rowdier part of a major city. She
possesses a very straightforward way of talking. All these features make her quite a popular
person in my class.
I often hear my fellow male classmates describe her as such- “Kotobuki-san‟s temper is not the
best in the world, but she is quite hot.”
I don‟t think she likes me. I came to this conclusion because since the start of the school term in
April, she always stares at me coldly.
I don‟t remember doing anything to her that could cause her to stare intensely at me. Ah, right,
yesterday…
As I absentmindedly mused over the thought, Kotobuki-san sternly walked to my desk. She put
out her right hand, and said to me crudely:
“Give me 460 yen.”
“What?”
“It‟s the replacement price for the book that was „accidentally dropped.‟ It‟s written in the school
code, right? Those who damage or lose library books need to pay the replacement fee.”
“But you said it was okay yesterday?”
Yesterday when I went with Tooko-senpai to apologize, the librarian that was manning the
library‟s help desk was, quite unexpectedly, Kotobuki-san.
At that time I secretly swore at my luck. Why did the work schedule have to choose Kotobuki?
Things won‟t be settled that easily then.
Even though Kotobuki had a stern face at that time, and her attitude could hardly be describe as
friendly, she said-
“You didn‟t intentionally damage the book. This can‟t be help. Please be careful next time.”
And just like that she let Tooko-senpai go.
But now she wants someone to pay for that 460yen? And that someone has to be me? The person
who damaged (no, or should I say „ate‟) the book was Tooko-senpai!
The moment I pointed out the fallacy in her reasoning to Kotobuki san, she raised her eyebrows,
and crudely said-
“I can‟t just go and ask that Tooko Amano-senpai for the replacement fee. She's a very important
supporter for the library. She knows better than anyone else where each book is placed at. In
addition many student librarians have received her help one way or the other. When I was in first
year, I was unfamiliar with the location of various books; however, thanks to Amano-senpai‟s
help, I completed my tasks successfully. So, Inoue, pay up for Senpai.”
“Hm, Kotobuki-san, don‟t you find your reasoning a bit illogical?”
“Absolutely not.” (She replied with absolute certainty)
Wah, she replied without any hesitation. I don‟t like to get involved in arguments with other
people, so I took out my wallet, put a 500 yen coin onto Kotobuki‟s outstretched palm, and then
bowed down to her apologetically.
“My club president has troubled you. I apologize for her.”
Kotobuki-san tightly clenched the coin, and held her lips high.
“I'll give you the change later on. If you tell Tooko-senpai any of this, I will beat you.”
What is the world coming to? Why should I help clean up the mess Tooko-senpai leave behind?
I thought those were all the things Kotobuki-san wanted to say, but she continued to stand at the
same place and glare at me.
“…hey, recently there's this first year girl who keeps on coming to see you. Are you in a
relationship with her?”
“You mean Takeda? There's nothing between us.”
“Really? That girl is also a student librarian, so I know her. She looks like an impressionable girl,
the kind that pedophiles would probably go for. You two are really not in a relationship?”
„The kind that pedophiles would go for‟…isn‟t that a bit harsh? But then again, if I talked back
to her, she would get even madder.
So I just smiled and said-
“I was entrusted by Tooko-senpai to be Takeda‟s consultant.”
And then, Kotobuki-san‟s eyebrows rose even higher. Now she looks furious.
Ah, damn. Did I say anything wrong again?
Kotobuki took a deep breath, and looked at me coldly-
“Forget it…what you do with your love life is none of my business. But, if you two are truly not
together, then there is no need to intentionally lead her to the hallway or other deserted places to
talk. Doing so would only make other people suspicious of your intentions.”
After she said this jarring warning, she left my desk without looking back once.
Next class was Japanese History. I tried to copy down what the teacher wrote on the board onto
my notebook, but my mind was elsewhere- I must hurry and bring Takeda and Shuuji-senpai
together…
The thorny tone of Kotobuki, along with what she said, left a straining feeling in my mind.
Ahhh, what should I do? Should I just give in and write a supremely flirty love letter for Takeda?
As the class went on, grey thick clouds started to displace the clear blue sky. Raindrops started to
land on the windows panels.
(It‟s starting to rain…I think I put my umbrella in a drawer in the Literary Club room…)
◇ ◇ ◇
As I grew older, I became more and more aware that the difference and the gap between
how I think and how others think was increasing. Things that sadden or pleased others, I
do not feel anything. Not even a tiny bit of these events resonate with my emotion.
Why do others feel happy?
Why do others feel sad?
During track and field competitions or ball games, when everyone excitedly cheered for
their teams; or a classmate was about to transfer schools, when everyone sadly said
farewell to them, I would be like a linguistically challenged foreigner. I stood among others,
and I felt unease spreading throughout my body. I would wane my body posture. My
stomach would start to twist itself. Other people are talking non-stop, yet I know nothing of
what they say.
One day, someone stuffed lit firecrackers into the mouth of the class‟s pet bunny. The
bunny died horrendously. When the class found out about this, everyone were mourning
for its death; I, instead, only felt extremely disquiet. I fixated my stare on my toes, and I
shrunk my posture as much as possible.
Why am I not feeling anything from the death of the rabbit?
I tried to recall the cute images of the rabbit prior to its doom. I tried to imagine its soft fur.
I laboriously attempted to cultivate the sorrowful emotions, yet my emotion remained as
blank as ever. There is no way I can squeeze out even a single tear drop. I secretly looked
around, and only I was not crying.
At that instance, I felt my whole neck turn fiercely red, and my ears started to ring. I felt
extremely shameful and scared. Why? Why is everyone crying? Ah, I really don‟t
understand. But, if only I appear emotionless when everyone else is crying, others will find
it strange, so I must make myself cry. But my face is so stiff that it is impossible. My face
started to blush again. If others noticed I am only faking my sadness, what should I do? I
cannot lift my head, not now. So I lowered my head even further, and put on a melancholic
expression. Ah, this time everyone is laughing together. What is so funny about it? I really
don‟t know. But, if I don‟t have the same reaction as others, they will label me as a queer,
and I would have no friends.
Now is the time to laugh. I must laugh, and laugh. No, let‟s cry, and cry. No, the reaction
for this should be laughter, I must react with laughter.
Ah, this ability appears straightforward to everyone else, yet I couldn‟t do it. I really am a
queer, an oddball.
Because I am unable to have the same emotional response as others, my shame and my fear
twist my stomach into knots. If everyone found out about this, they would look at me coldly.
Amongst a flock of white sheep, I feel like the peculiar black sheep.
I cannot experience the joy my companions can feel, or the sadness my companions can feel,
or the hunger my companions can feel.
Alien to its companions‟ feelings of affection- love, kindness, empathy, and many others, all
the tragic black sheep can do is covers its black fur with white powder, and pretends to be
a white sheep.
If my companions found out I am just a black sheep, would they charge at me with their
horns? Would they trample me with their hooves? I hope I never find out. Please don‟t let
others find out my secret.
Whenever a raindrop landed on me, whenever a gust blew past me, would the white dust I
sprayed onto my body fall off? Would someone yell “He is a black sheep!” I fear this. So
fearful is my mind I could not even muster a trace of serenity. But if I don‟t do this, I would
have no other ways.
In front of my parents, teachers, and classmates, I struggle to act and react politely. I act
goofily, just to make others like me. Ah, I sincerely hope that no one will ever find out that
I am a monster who lacks a human heart. I hope I can camouflage myself into a mere silly
and idiotic clown, just to make others laugh with me, pity me, forgive me. And this can go
on forever and ever and so will I.
Even now I am still wearing the mask, and playing the part of the clown.
◇ ◇ ◇
“Wow, it‟s raining pretty hard.”
It was right after school hours now, and I was walking in the dusky hallway.
The time was not very late, yet the sky outside the windows was dark. The sky was filled with
grey clouds. The arrows of rain being fired at the ground let out a cold sound.
The air was moist, and chilly.
“Didn‟t the weather forecast say that there is only 50% chance of precipitation?”
I hope the umbrella I placed in the club room is still there.
When it rained last week, at that time I opened the drawer only to find that the umbrella I placed
there was gone.
“Ah, sorry. When it rained last week, I borrowed your umbrella, but I forgot to put it back.”
Tooko-senpai flatly said.
And so both of us ran back home, in the rain, without anything to shield us.
“Remember to put the umbrella back after you borrow it!”
“Okay! But see, the way we were running in the rain, don‟t you feel like „Ahhh, this is youth?‟”
(That Senpai, she keeps on treating other people‟s things as her things, and her things still as her
things…)
Is she Jaian? Maybe that‟s also why I got forced to join the Literary Club?
(Hmmm…this is an unanswerable enigma.)
I am the student on class duty today. By the time I finished all the things the teacher asked me to
do, the time was already quite late. Right now Tooko-senpai must be knocking on her chair,
endlessly whining “So hungry.” There are many old books in the club classroom, but their
conditions aren't very good.
“If I eat these expired books, I will get stomach aches.”
Tooko-senpai once said.
“But, if the old books have been cared for properly, they must taste as delicious as ripen French
Wine or Truffles. Ah, just imagining the taste of it makes me salivate! Also also, the original
handwritten works of Natsume, Ogai, or Mushanokouis in the Literary Museum! I don‟t think
there is anything else in this world that is as delicious as them! Even if I do get a stomach ache, I
still want to have a bite.”
She looked serious when she said that. The image of Tooko-senpai sneaking into the Literary
Museum appeared in my mind, and I became a bit concerned.
“Ah, darn. I forgot my history textbook.”
The History teacher Saeguki-sensei is very strict, and I have his class tomorrow; I figured I
should study for it tonight. So I head back to the classroom.
Maybe because it‟s raining, the deserted hallway seemed very quiet.
As I was about to reach out to the classroom door‟s handle and open it, I heard voices coming
out from inside the classroom. It sounded like there were female classmates causally chatting
inside.
Because they were all girls, I hesitated whether I should just barge in. As I hesitated, I overheard
what they are chatting about.
“Ehh, Eri is aiming for Akutagawa too. Really?”
“Uhh, doesn‟t Mori -chan like Akutagawa as well? Then you two are love rivals.
“Wait a second. I like Akutagawa too. I think he is a very good person.”
“Ehhhhh. Miki too? Then there are three people…..?”
It seems like they are talking about which boys they like.
Of course, this „Akutagawa‟ that is the subject of their discussion is not the literary giant
„Akutagawa‟ instead they are referring to a classmate of ours. That classmate Akutagawa is very
tall, and is truly a man of few words. He looks quite mature and wise. You can tell just by
looking that he is the type girls like.
But, I am troubled now. It is quite hard for me to just wander into the classroom when they are in
the middle of a personal and intimate talk.
“Yay. I like Hirosaki, and I don‟t have any love competitors~”
“What? Suzuno you like Hirosaki?”
“Hehe, I have a thing for the rebellious type of guys. In fact, this Saturday we are going to meet
up in the Aquarium to watch the dolphins play.”
“Ehhhhh!”
“When did you two started going out!”
“It‟s only been a month since we changed classes. Aren‟t you a quick mover!”
“And to think that I've only got to the „Hello!‟ and „Bye!‟ stage with Akutagawa. Wait Suzuno!
Next time we're going to a sale, you're treating me to ice cream!”
“Me too! And I don‟t want single scoop, I want double scoops!”
“Wah, I need to buy new clothing for the date, so my budget is a bit tight this month. You two
are only allowed to buy 50 yen ice cream.”
The cheerful sound of girls‟ laughter was carried into my ears. They seem to be enjoying
themselves very much.
Uhhh…maybe I should go to the club first, and then come back later.
“Then, next up is Nanase.”
“Yeah. Eve~~~ryone has confessed who they like. So now you need to „fess up to us as well.”
Nanase? Nanase Kotobuki-san? It appears that Kotobuki is in the classroom as well.
“Don‟t tell us, Nanase likes Akutagawa as well?”
“Wahhhhh, don‟t let that be true. Nanase is very beautiful. I have no chance of winning against
her.”
“I…”
From the other side of the door, I heard Kotobuki‟s voice.
I knew eavesdropping is to be frowned upon, but I was also curious who that harsh and prideful
Kotobuki likes. So I subconsciously held my breath and listen on.
“I don‟t have any specific person I like. But I do have a person I hate…”
“Ehh, who?”
“Inoue Konoha”
Kotobuki-san plainly said my name.
My mind became blank all of a sudden. I couldn‟t think. Then I felt my whole head heat up.
“Ehh, why? Inoue-kun seems very nice. He doesn‟t seem the kind that would do things other
people hate.” “That‟s right. Doesn‟t he seem as harmless as air?” “His personality is a bit plain.
But~~~~if you look at him closely, he actually looks pretty cute.”
“Yeah. He always talks gently, and he smiles a lot.”
Suddenly, Kotobuki became irritated and frustratedly said:
“This is why I find him disgusting. He keeps on showing that phony smile to everyone. No one
can understand what he's actually thinking. The sight of him makes me sick.”
From my face to my ears, I started to turn red. Even my hands started to shake. My throat started
to hurt.
Why are you saying that about me? I know you don‟t like me. But why do you need to derogate
me with such contempt in front of everyone?
I really just want to run away from the scene. But my pride won‟t let me; instead I reached out
my hand, and pulled open the classroom door. As I walked in, all the girls turned around and
noticed me.
I acted as if I didn‟t hear anything. I opened my eyes wide to act surprised.
“Eh? You all are staying behind? Sorry, did I interrupted something?”
All the girls looked flushed. I walked quickly to my desk, took out my history textbook, and put
it into my backpack.
“I forgot to pack my textbook. I'll need it for tomorrow~”
Kotobuki became furiously red and stared at me. I intentionally looked at her, and tried my
hardest to put on a smile.
“Then, bye.”
The female students hurriedly answered with sounds resembling “b-bye.”
Only Kotobuki-san, who raised her chin and tightly closed her lips, stared intensely at me.
(I am bitter, and ashamed)
In the damp and dark hallway, I dragged myself through it with a wretched mind.
(„He keeps on showing that phony smile to everyone. No one can understand what he's actually
thinking. The sight of him makes me sick.‟)
Compared to those who only think for themselves, those who keep on getting into conflicts with
others, those who keep on ruining the mood for the sole purpose of expressing their own
opinions, isn‟t it better just to be quiet and just go along with whatever other people have in
mind?
Sometimes this is the only way to get along with others.
But why, why do you have to describe me as „disgusting‟?
(It‟s not like I was born to like laughing hollowly!)
Something intensely hot suddenly rushed up from my throat. I wanted to scream-
(I wasn‟t like that before! Before that happened I…)
-----Konoha, you always laugh so cheerfully~.
-----And, when you are annoyed, when you are mad, when you are anxious, all these emotions
just flow out and surface on your face. It‟s so easy to understand you. You are like a little puppy,
so cute and simple.
So mean, I am not a little puppy! Whenever I countered her, she always covered her mouth with
her hand and let out a ringing, bell-like, pleasing laugh.
-----See, you are annoyed again. You are so easy to see through. But, that‟s what I like about you.
Whenever Konoha is near me, I feel at ease.
(When I was in junior high, I had a girl I loved. I, like everyone else, had been involved in a love
relationship.)
Whenever I heard her voice, my heartbeat would rise. Every line she said to me, they were the
special treasures heaven granted me. I put all of them into the deepest part of my heart. Every
night before I went to sleep, I would take these presents out and admire them.
And just like this, everyday of my live was blissful. I always had a true smile on my face.
But my love, just like Gatsby‟s from “The Great Gatsby”, had a ruinous ending. And then I
learnt to lie.
◇ ◇ ◇
I tried my best to play the part of a „human‟, and played it well.
Everyone around me described me as optimistic, cheerful, and gentle.
Whenever someone derogated me or mocked me, I didn‟t care- in fact I felt light-hearted.
But whenever someone said I am empathic and gentle, my stomach would start to spasm, I
would feel very bad.
Whenever I hunger for other people's acceptance, I would act silly and make everyone
laugh, or I would fake my love for puppies; In reality I was so ashamed, my face feels like it
is on fire.
Why do I say that? Because everything is fake. They are only the products of my imitations.
Because I am not what others say I am, a gentle and empathic soul. These are just parts of
my scam.
Therefore, whenever someone complimented me, I have the urge to scream “Ahhgg!”, even
to the point of having the impulse of getting a knife and stabbing myself to death.
Katsutou [TL note: probably the name of his dog] doesn‟t know about any of my internal
conflicts. Whenever I pat its head, it would wag its tail and inch over to me. It too must
have thought I am a gentle and empathic human.
The girl who told me that she likes me, is every bit as innocent as the dog.
She is a pure and positive girl. She always laughs without worries, just like a little kid.
How great would it be, if I were like her.
But, to such a peaceful and innocent girl, I too despise her with all my being.
◇ ◇ ◇
Tooko-senpai had put her short-socks wearing, bent legs on the chair she was sitting on. As she
listened to the rain outside , both of her hands were holding up a book to read.
Today her snack was a lavishly decorated hard cover copy of the “Iliad”. This is an epic poem by
the great blind poet Homer that describes the Trojan War of Troy.
Her shiny, cat-tail-like, black French braids extended all the way to her waist. The image of long
and organized eyebrows softly casted themselves onto her pupils. Her slender index finger gently
caressed her lips. This was a strange hobby Tooko-senpai did when she read. Sometimes she
would even suck on her index finger.
The raindrops had wet the dirt-covered window panels. There was no sight of the sunshine from
the sunset.
I stopped writing the composition, and asked Tooko-senpai:
“Tooko-senpai, do you have someone you like?”
“What? What did you say?”
Whenever Tooko-senpai concentrates on her readings, she often come oblivious to sounds
around her.
“Ah, is the snack done?”
Suddenly a brilliant shine appeared on Tooko‟s face. Only this topic can divert the attention of
the concentrating Senpai. One could say it was part of her essence of being.
“I'm asking you, do you have someone you like?”
“Of course. Let‟s see, Gallico, Dickens, Dumas, Stendhal, Chekhov, Shakespeare, Alcott,
Montgomery, Farjeon, Lindgren, MacLachlan, Cartland, Jordan, Ihara Saikaku, Natsume
Souseki, Mori Ougai, Miyagiwa Kenji, and Kimura Yuuichi are some of the people I like. Also
there are…”
The sight of Senpai starting to salivate as she lists more and more authors is a bit too much for
me. I hurriedly cut her off.
“I am not asking what your favourite food is. Furthermore, who are Cartland and Jordan? The
basketball player?”
“Gosh, you don‟t know Barbara Cartland and Penny Jordan? They are both famous Romance
novelists. You must read Cartland‟s „The Flame is Love‟, a story about a daughter of an
American oil tycoon who hid her own identity while falling in love with a rich handsome guy.
Jordan‟s „Silver‟ was adapted as a manga series. I too wholeheartedly recommend this book. The
book is about an innocent girl called Geraldine, who was betrayed by the person she loved. She
was in so much distress that her black hair turned silver in one night. So she decided to seek
revenge. For that, she found a handsome love instructor to provide her with love expertise and
tutors. It was a course filled with thi~~~~~ck and sweet love to the rim. That instructor is so sexy,
so perfect that he is unbeatable.”
Ah ah, we are getting more and more off topic.
“I know. Say no more. I am not asking you about that……Tooko-senpai, have you ever been in
love?”
“Eh?”
Tokoo Senpai tilts her head and looks confused.
“Carp?” [TL note: In Japanese, the word „love‟ (戀, koi) has the same pronunciation as „carp‟
(鯉) ]
“Not the edible koi. It‟s the love koi. L-O-V-E.”
“I am always in love with food.”
“As I said I am not asking about what food you love. I am asking have you ever fallen in love
with another human being.” I don‟t know why, but I suddenly feel tired. No matter how
miserable I feel, I am a moron for attempting to converse with this person on the subject of love.
When I finished my sentence, Tooko-senpai put on a faraway expression and quietly smiled.
What the. It's like someone was playing the theme song of a hardboiled drama movie [TL: I
don‟t know what this means], the mood in the room changed to solemn and serious. Don‟t tell
me Tooko-senpai had some painful experiences with love?
“I….am in a love Daisatsukai .”[TL note: 大殺界(„big kill dimension‟) is a reading of a type of
Chinese Astrology (六星占術, Rokusei Senjutsu, „six-star astrology)). Daisatsukai is the worst
reading you can get.]
“Ha? What does that mean?”
I had expected something unexpected, and yet at the end I still got startled. I raise my voice and
asked.
Tooko-senpai kept on staring at the rain-washed window panel with a dreamy expression
appearing in her eyes. She, with a sad tone, said-
“At the beginning of this year, I went to ShinXXXX‟s Mother [TL note: 新宿の母, A very
famous Japanese fortune teller in, where else, Shinjuku. Censored for trademark reasons)] to
have my love fortune told. And she said „you have the love daisatsukai since you were born.
Even if you try to have a relationship, it will 100% end in failure. So, don‟t waste your time on
love, concentrate your attentions on something else like academic work or a hobby.‟”
“ShinXXXX‟s Mother, you mean the one who set up a stand at the corner of the IXXtan
Department Store [株式会社伊勢丹(Isetan), a large department store ], the one that always has
many people lining up to have their fortunes read? You went to line up as well?”
“Yes. And it snowed hard that day. It was so cold.”
“Why did you choose to go when it was snowing?”
“I thought that there would be no one waiting if it was snowing. Indeed, I only waited thirty
minutes before it was my turn.”
My head started to hurt again.
“You really wanted ShinXXX‟s Mother to tell your love fortune?”
“I really am a girl, of course I care about my love fortune. And to think that all I got was the love
daisatsukai…gosh. But, the sensei said that the curse will end in seven years. And then I would
finally meet my man of destiny.”
After she said that, incrediblely, Senpai changed from a hardboiled expression to a blissful
expression. She even moved her upper body towards me and said:
“‟In the summer seven years from now, in front of a bear that has a carp in its mouth, you will
fall in love with a man in a white scarf. He will be your destined lover. Your love line [TL:
windows of love period in one‟s life] is very short, so this is your only chance in you life. I
recommend that you must do what you can to succeed.‟ I was actually quite disappointed by this;
I mean you have to wait seven years.”
“Why would the man be wearing a scarf in summer? Furthermore, you would probably get eaten
by the bear before you two fall in love.”
Upon hearing that, Tooko-senpai puffed her cheek and became annoyed.
“Konoha-kun can't fantasize at all.”
“Or rather, you fantasize too much.”
“That‟s why I am the Literary Shoujo.”
“Please don‟t use that as the excuse for everything. Gosh, forget it. Sorry for interrupting your
readings.”
A look of puzzlement appeared on Tooko-senpai‟s face.
“Hmm…did something happen? Konoha-kun?”
“Nothing…”
“Do you…have someone…you like?”
I moved my face away.
As the raindrops landed on the window panels, they gave out knocking sounds.
“I don‟t have anyone I like. No one, no nothing. This is for the best…”
Nothing will happen.
Fall in love with no one.
No pain, sorrow, nor despair, and I will live normally forever.
I pray to myself every day that this is true.
I think I will never fall in love in my life.
“…”
Tooko-senpai silently stared at me.
A year ago, when I was forced to join the Literary Club, Tooko-senpai also had that sorrowful
expression on her face. That childish Tooko-senpai could also have these kinds of expressions;
my mind was filled with shame and remorse for making her sad.
“Sorry, I'll call it a day and go home.”
I couldn‟t stand the awkward silent mood. So I put the finished compositions on the table and
stood up.
I opened the rusty drawer, and sure enough, the umbrella that should be there was gone.
“Take it.”
Tooko-senpai handed me a light purple collapsible umbrella and smiled.
“I borrowed your umbrella, so use mine for today.”
“Tooko-senpai, why?”
“Nothing in particular. I just want to use the long umbrella.”
“…is that right. I will be using yours then.”
“Sure. See your tomorrow. Bye bye.”
Tooko-senpai was still smiling as she waved goodbye to me.
I walked down the staircase and opened the umbrella. In the raining sky of grey, the purple
flower, with a bang, blossomed completely.
Purple is Tooko-senpai‟s favourite color. I often see her with small items like a purple
handkerchief or an automatic pencil.
“The rain…doesn‟t look like it‟s going to stop.”
I hold up my umbrella, and stood motionlessly.
I am probably holding the only umbrella she has.
I know Tooko-senpai lied to me.
After I became a high school student, whenever I faced my classmates, I always had a mask on
my face. I intentionally kept my distance with them. Even when I laughed with them, the laughs
were not real. When Kotobuki-san criticize me for this, I only felt disquiet; but when I face
Tooko-senpai, the real me always come out.
Whenever I see Tooko-senpai perplexed or sad, I would think to myself „Even if it's fake, I
should still always smile for her.‟ Yet every time I'm in front of her, I find it hard to smoothly
change my tone and expression. How pitiful.
What should I do? How do I improve my lying skills?
After I improve my lies, then none of us will be hurt.
I looked at the dripping cold rain, and tried to guess how long Tooko-senpai needs to wait before
she can go home.
At the other end of the school complex, a uniformed girl student came out.
(It‟s Takeda-san)
She noticed me as well, so she stopped her steps.
She took a deep breath, and opened her eyes wide.
With a coarse voice, she mutters “Shuuji…senpai.”
Eh?
Right after that, Takeda san kneeled down and started crying.
“What happened, Takeda-san?
Takeda-san didn‟t answer. Instead she put her wet body and face onto my chest. She wrapped her
arms around my back and started crying again. She looked very painful, with her eyes closed,
and her endless stream of tears.
As I was holding my bag and the umbrella, I couldn‟t embrace her back. Also, this was the first
time I experienced this kind of event, so I was at a loss as to what to do. What happened with
Shuuji-senpai? Just as I was about to ask her-
“Chii!”
A boy who was around my age called for her.
Suddenly, the kneeled down Takeda-san shuddered once in my chest.
“Chii?”
The voice was from the direction that Takeda came from, and it was getting closer. The voice
was filled with puzzlement. Suddenly Takeda-san grabbed my wrist.
“Ta,Takeda-san…wait!”
Takeda-san tightly gritted her teeth together, and looked bewildered. She pulled on my wrist and
started dragging me away.
“Takeda-san, he's calling for „Chii‟. Is he calling for you? That person, is he trying to find
Takeda-san?”
“No, I can‟t answer.” [TL note: or “I can‟t answer him.” ie. I can‟t let him find me]
Takeda-san frightenedly said. So just like this, she dragged me into the building.
In the split second as we entered the building, I saw a navy blue umbrella-holding boy looking
around and coming in our general direction. But since the timing was too short, I didn‟t see his
face; I couldn‟t identify who he was.
When we arrived at the school courtyard, Takeda-san finally let go of my wrist. Then she
kneeled down and, with shaking shoulders, started crying again.
◇ ◇ ◇
I said to that girl, we can try going out.
That girl, just like a little puppy, showed an innocent smile.
She has complete untainted trust in me. She entrusts her everything to me.
She is just a naïve, pure, kind hearted, positive, white sheep that is blessed and loved by
god.
A girl like her, makes me fill with jealousy and contempt. At the same time, I couldn‟t stop
my longing for her pureness.
Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, this child, can change my being.
People often say, love can change a person.
Perhaps this girl can save me from my destruction.
Maybe from now on, I will no longer be a loveless, apathetic monster. I will become a real
human.
Ahh, please, please I am begging you, please let that taintless ray of light save me.
But, if she ever found out that I have killed a person before, would she still love me? Would
she still find me a gentle and empathetic person?
I am a monster.
On that day, the soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red blood
spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared hollowly at the
scene.
I. killed. a person.
