1.7 A Dangerous Road
Wind rattled against the windows and almost tore through the window paper1. The sound of it rose, whistling sharply.
Seven days had passed. I did not know where this place was, but even in late spring2 the weather remained windy. A cold rain had swept through these past two days. The window was loose, and a cold draught seeped into the room. I reached to close the window more securely, but my sleeve caught on the wooden ledge3.
I pulled at it forcefully and by accident scraped my hand against the rough wood. A thin faint line of blood welled up on my little finger.
“Don’t move.”
Before I could turn around, a pair of arms encircled me from behind. My sleeve was freed; my hand was seized.
A man’s warm breath. Shivering, I hurriedly turned aside to avoid him.
“How can you not manage even such a trifling thing — truly, a fine lady sheltered from birth.” He glanced at me coolly. There was something taunting about his tone, yet he pulled my hand to his lips.
My heart seized. Turning my hand, I shoved at him, but ended up pushing at his chest, which was covered by only one layer of cloth.
My furious embarrassment drew his hearty laughter.
“Young Master … is something the matter?” The door curtain stirred as Xiaoye leaned in to ask. She seemed startled by his laughter, and mixed with her concern was a thread of bewilderment.
Taking advantage of this disturbance, I pulled myself away, but heard his furious shout, “Get out! Who told you to come in!”
Xiaoye froze by the door, her expression all astonished confusion.
In a rage, he grabbed the medicine bowl and threw it at the door. “Get out!”
Tears welled up in Xiaoye’s eyes. Turning, she fled.
Keeping well away, I withdrew to the corner of the room. Indifferent to this unfolding drama, I only looked at him coldly.
These few days, his injury seemed to have improved greatly. Though he was not yet fully healed, yet his energy and spirits seemed vastly restored.
This Helan young lord was of an eccentric temperament. When wan and sallow with illness, he might draw a person to sympathize. But with improved health, his temper became perverse. He vacillated between good cheer and black fury. Sometimes, he could spend an entire day without speaking a word, ignoring everyone beside him. Other times, he could be violently irritable, flying into fury with hardly any reason.
Driving Xiaoye away did not seem to have soothed his temper. He appeared even more annoyed and restless.
I rose and went to the door.
A sudden pain around my arm. He hauled me back forcefully.
“Did I tell you to leave?” He said icily.
“I want to get a new bowl. You smashed one again, just now.” I said without expression.
He fixed his gaze on me for a long moment. Hand tightening, he yanked my chin up.
“Let go!” I rebuked, angry.
“You’ve not yet attended to4 Xiao Qi like this, have you?” He looked at me closely, half-smiling.
I froze, the other angry rebukes choking in my throat. All of a sudden, I could not say anything.
For a moment, bitter grief welled up, pungent and biting. A thousand grievances came to mind, how he had wronged me; ten thousand things I had endured, because he had given me no choice – they all suddenly flooded my heart.
First, that marriage edict, like a thunderbolt from the heavens. Then, that bridal chamber where he left me without a word. And now, kidnapped and in danger, trapped in such dire circumstances. All this terrible misfortune, bestowed upon me by that husband whose face I had not yet seen. Because of him, I had suffered insult and humiliation, and yet – where was he? Did he know of my pain and sufferings? Did it concern him even a little … — but no, his concern probably did not amount to even “a little”.
By now, I had been captured for more than ten days. Father and mother were far away in the capital, too great a distance to be of any help. But he – he was a great general, stationed to protect the northern border. Yet he could not protect even his own wife. I had quietly endured all this suffering and humiliation, waiting for someone to save me, but even now there was still not even half a sliver of hope.
I could endure the insults and ridicule, other people’s sneers and taunts, I could endure all of it. But I could not bear to be again and again abandoned.
“I’m wondering, a princess consort like you, princess consort in name only – are you even now still a virgin?” He pinched my chin, leaning down to press closer.
Frightened into anger, I raised my hand and struck him across the face – a resounding slap.
Shocked, and then furious, he glared at me, as a red imprint slowly appeared on his cheek. Then he returned the strike, so heavy a blow that I fell to the ground.
My sight blurred, as fiery pain spread across my face.
He looked coldly down at me, the chilly smile at the corners of his mouth causing me to shiver with fear. “I want to see how faithful the Yuzhang Princess is! If she’ll stay constant to her husband, even to death!”
I felt a sudden tightening around my neck. Then the sound of silk being torn! He ripped apart collar of my bodice!
Trembling all over, I said, “I am Xiao Qi’s wife. If you are a real man, then meet him fairly on the battlefield! To bully a woman like this – what kind of vengeance is it? If the ancestors of the Helan tribe knew, you would surely be a disgrace to them!”
His hand stilled in front of my chest, the features of his elegant face slowly twisting. His eyes gleamed as if they were red-burning coals of wrath.
“If my ancestors knew!” He barked out a laugh. “They already regarded me as a disgrace, twenty years ago! What does one more today matter?”
Suddenly, he yanked down the underclothes covering my chest. His hands slid over my bare skin, wandering down.
“How dare you5!” Crying, I struggled against him, my hair a mess, my hairpins in disarray – suddenly, I managed to seize a falling hairpin. In rage and shame and desperation, I acted with no hesitation. I gripped the hairpin tightly, and clenched my teeth, and I struck him with all my strength –
The golden hairpin pierced his skin. I felt the soft flesh yielding, but I could not stab any deeper. He grabbed my wrist with ruthless strength. In great pain, I could only let go of the hairpin.
His hand around my right wrist tightened even further. In his eyes, the desire to kill me grew increasingly apparent.
The pain in my wrist sharpened until it seemed like he had crushed the bones. A cold sweat broke out over my entire body.
With a turn of his hand, he pulled out the golden hairpin from where it had stabbed him, between the shoulder and neck.
“You want to kill me?” He asked in a low hoarse voice, his eyes darkening with murderous intent.
“I regret not killing you earlier.” I met his gaze.
His pupils slowly shrank. His gaze seemed like a vast expanse of ice, and within it seemed to be infinite sadness and boundless disappointment.
I closed my eyes. Nevertheless, tears flowed out … If death should come for me, here, now – I thought I could maybe meet it with some peace.
Then I felt a sudden warmth on my neck, and immediately after that, a piercing pain. He had bitten my neck!
Raising his head, he wiped away the blood on his lips with the back of his hand. His smile was chilly, but his eyes burned.
“However you choose to harm me, I will repay back in kind.” His hand brushed against my neck. “This wound will be my mark! Your master from now will be me, Helan Zhen6!”
The wound on my neck was not deep. But it ached deeply when touched.
For the next two days and two nights, I was locked in the basement. I was never allowed out. And, aside from delivering my meals, no one ever came in either.
Whenever I thought of Helan Zhen, I still trembled with fear. By chance and good luck, I had managed to avoid his attempts to violate me, but still he had bitten the side of my neck … He was insane! I did not know what strange method of torture he would dream up next. He hated Xiao Qi, but he poured all the malice in his heart out on me.
His enemy was Xiao Qi, but he had abducted me. If it had only been to humiliate me and give vent to his rage, then why all the secrecy and disguise along the way?
Most likely, they had some other, larger plan in mind.
But of what use was I? Unless they intended to use me as a bargaining chip, in order to threaten Xiao Qi?
If that was their intention, then they were to be disappointed – the Yuzhang Prince cared nothing for my life or death.
Considering matters to this point, I let out a bitter laugh. Then, the laughter slowly turned to tears.
If I could escape out of here alive, if I could live to see his highness the Yuzhang Prince — I thought I would ask him for divorce papers7.
Better to remain alone for the rest of my life, than to be the Yuzhang Princess.
During the night, I was startled awake by the sound of a commotion.
The door to the cellar was opened, and Xiaoye came in silently. She threw a bundle of clothes onto me.
“Get changed!” The heat of her glare was enough to burn two holes through me.
That day, when I had been almost dishonored by Helan Zhen, my clothes had been torn to pitiful shreds, leaving me with only a cloak to cover myself.
I picked up the clothes she had thrown at me, only to find that they were garishly colored garments in the barbarian style.
After I had dressed myself, Xiaoye herself arranged my hair, plaiting it into two long braids to hang over my shoulders. Then she draped a gaudily colorful headscarf over my head, covering the larger part of my face.
Xiaoye pushed me out the cellar, and led me all the way out the front door.
Last time, I had fled in a hurry and not been able to look around carefully at the surroundings. Now, though it was night, the area was brightly lit with torches. From a glance, it looked like this area was perhaps an army barrack, bustling with activity. In the distance, three large bonfires burned. Around us were a number of simple and crude mud huts. Nearby, several horse carts were parked, and all around, people came and went busily.
The sky was slowly starting to brighten, a pale light showing through the clouds. The air was cold enough to chill to the bone. It was probably past the time of the fifth watch8.
The people around me were all dressed in the style of those from outside the northern pass. Some were even dressed as I was – like a northern barbarian9.
Two large men were waiting outside the door. Together with Xiaoye, they pressed me towards one of the horse carts. A thick curtain was draped over the cart, as if in preparation for a long journey. Suddenly I heard the sound of a woman weeping. Her piteous cries were followed by the sound of shouting and cursing, and then the crack of a whip.
“Please, I beg you, sir, have mercy. My child at home has not yet been weaned off breastmilk -–if I were to leave, he would surely die. Please, sir, please let me go home, I beg you on my knees10 …”
“Shut up! Your man sold you to me, eh, sold you for gleaming white silver. So you behave yourself. If you’re good, then maybe in eight or ten years, who knows, I might let you come back. But you keep acting up, see if I don’t beat you to death right now!”
In front of one horse cart, a young woman had managed to grasp the shaft of the cart. She held on with a death grip, though the large man behind her cursed and whipped. But she would not get on the cart. Her heart-rending cries pierced the ears.
My heart trembled, chilled. Unconsciously, my shoulders drew up. Then someone grabbed my arm.
Behind me was Helan Zhen, dressed in barbarian clothes. His expression was bland as he looked at me with cold indifference.
“On this cart are all prostitutes. They’re setting out for Ningshuo today, to be sold to the military brothels.”
I shivered in fear.
“Get on the cart. Don’t make me have to whip you, too.” Half-smiling, he hauled me onto the horse cart.
The curtain fell behind me, and the cart slowly began to move forward.
Leaning against the side of the cart, I listened to the sound of horse hooves. The possibilities of what was to come flashed before me, when in a sudden jolt, I understood what was happening.
They were disguised as brothel agents, and having hidden me amongst the military prostitutes, they meant to sneak into the city of Ningshuo.
Who could have imagined, that after they kidnapped the Yuzhang Princess, they would arrogantly send her to the very seat of the Yuzhang Prince’s power11?
Transport of military prostitutes usually followed behind supply carts and provision wagons, so that they could be guarded together by military escorts.
To ensure that army provisions could speedily and smoothly be sent to the front, the Ministry of War granted special permission to the supply train to bypass the usual custom checks. The supply train wagons did not need to be searched.
What could be more safe, when bringing along a woman, than to mix in with the military prostitutes in the supply train?
How clever a plan! This Helan Zhen, disagreeable and perverse, cunning and shrewd—and, it turned out, so frightening a person.
This supply train was headed to Ningshuo. As expected, their target was not me, but rather Xiao Qi.
Helan Zhen, how would he deal with Xiao Qi? … my heart became increasingly unsettled.
Whatever the case, that person was after all my husband.
Perhaps, Helan Zhen would prove an unworthy opponent for him, and would suffer defeat by his hand, and I would also be rescued.
He was great general, after all, who could look down upon all the world. He was the only one, who could rescue me … I buried my head in the crook of my arm, drew up my knees, laughing bitterly.
“What are you thinking about?”
Helan Zhen reached out a hand and lifted my chin, his voice weirdly gentle12.
I turned my face away, unwilling to regard him.
“This trip to Ningshuo will finally succeed in reuniting you and your husband. Are you not happy?”
He trailed a chilly finger down the curve of my face. I shivered.
I said nothing. Closing my eyes, I let him say what he would, and paid him no attention.
He also fell silent, and no longer bothered me, but only stared at me quietly.
All of a sudden, the horse carriage jolted, throwing me forward. I crashed into the carriage boards, and in pain, cried out.
Helan Zhen hurriedly put out a hand to support me.
I drew back immediately, coldly avoiding him.
His two outstretched hands froze in midair. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly, in a bitter smile.
Holding myself against the sides of the carriage, I regained my seat. My nerves were all alert, as I looked at him warily.
“Am I so disgusting?” He lowered his head, with a sneering laugh.
“In the past, they all detested me, feared me. Every chance they got, they would chase and beat me.” A vague smile appeared on his face, as murmuring, he continued, “Every time, mother would hold me in her arms, and she would cry as she gave me medicine for my wounds. Sometimes, I almost wished that they would beat me, and I would be wounded, because then mother would hold me.”
I stared blankly at him. I did not know why suddenly he was speaking about his childhood, but listening, I gradually grew disconsolate.
He raised his eyes and looked at me, his gaze blurry. “That day, when you fed me medicine … I thought that mother had come back.”
My face flushed red. I lowered my head, and did not know how to answer. “Your mother, is she also at Ningshuo?”
He was silent.
After a long moment, I heard him say coldly, “My mother passed away a long time ago.”
I froze.
“What did your mother13 call you?” He suddenly asked.
“A-wu.” I blurted out, and then immediately regretted it.
He smiled, his long eyebrows lifting slightly. The expression in his eyes brightened.
“A-wu……” He called me, in a low voice, his tone as soft as the warm wind on a spring night.
My head lowered, I did not answer. I hid my face in the crook of my arm, and closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
A sudden warmth enveloped me: his cloak draped over my shoulders.
“Sleep well. Don’t catch a cold.” He also leaned back against the carriage, lazily stretching out his legs. He closed his eyes.
My heart palpitated with fear. I could not tell whether this gentle and tender young man before me, or whether the perverse-tempered, easily-angered, mercurial young master—which one was the true Helan Zhen?
For the whole trip, there was only Helan Zhen and me to keep each other company, though the companionship proved to be relatively peaceful. A large bearded man sat in front outside and drove the carriage. The others followed along in another horse carriage behind. Every time we reached a post station to rest and feed the horses, Xiaoye—also dressed like a military prostitute—kept close guard and never left my side.
I was watchful, and paid close attention to my surroundings. But it was futile: I found not even a chance to cry for help, to say nothing of a chance to escape.
The days slipped away as we headed north. Ningshuo gradually grew closer.
Ningshuo, a place I had seen countless times on the imperial maps.
Who could have thought, when I really set out for that place, it would be under these circumstances.
This city, strategically situated along the border, was originally not called Ningshuo.
Xiao Qi—who back then was still the Ningshuo General—had once dealt a decisive defeat to the Göktürks at this city. He had made his name in that battle, ending many years of disastrous war in the north. His battle fame grew far and wide. And the people of this city, in an expression of gratitude, changed the name of the city to Ningshuo.
This city was coagulated of far too much blood and tears14 .
Xiao Qi, commanding four hundred thousand brave troops, stood guard and defended this city for many years. He secured the northern border and fortified it well, sturdy against any attacks.
Ningshuo was a city which could not be shaken even by the Göktürk armored cavalry. But Helan Zhen, with his band of only a dozen people, dared to slip in, straight into the tiger’s cave.
What sinister schemes had he laid, in his quest for vengeance against Xiao Qi?
The closer we came to Ningshuo, the more apprehensive I became. I dared not think—when I stepped foot into Ningshuo, what would be awaiting me there.
Xiao Qi, under what circumstances would we meet?
How would he deal with these Helan clansmen, and their desire for revenge?
And how would he deal with me ……
As night fell, heavy fog settled on the mountain paths. The horse carts, already heavily loaded with supplies, became more difficult to maneuver. There was no choice but to settle down for the night at the relay station ahead.
Past this relay station, it was another half-day’s journey to Ningshuo.
Once we were down from the carriage, Xiaoye pressed me into the room, following me closely and keeping careful guard.
These past few days, I had behaved in a quiet and obedient manner. I no longer resisted. Toward Helan Zhen, I sometimes spoke kindly and met his eyes.
Whenever I smiled and spoke sweetly, Helan Zhen would also express a rare cheerfulness, and become kindlier to his subordinates as well.
Only Xiaoye’s enmity towards me increased. At the smallest chance, she would curse and swear at me.
If I guessed not wrongly, she probably harbored a secret love for Helan Zhen.
From outside, food was delivered. Today was minced meat and chives sprout porridge. I went to the table and had just picked up the wooden spoon, when Xiaoye suddenly knocked the spoon away.
She threw two cold buns at me, “As if you deserve meat and porridge! Yours are the buns!”
The buns hit me and fell, rolling away under the table.
Slowly, I raised my eyes and looked at her.
“You damn whore, what are you looking at? Keep looking and I’ll gouge your eyes out!”
“Fine, come gouge them out.” I smiled thinly. “The best thing would be to offer them on a silver platter15 to Helan Zhen, and see how your young master rewards you.”
She bolted upright, flushing red with anger, “Shameless slut! Even when you’re this close to death, you still have delusions of seducing the young master!”
“That’s right. Oh, but it’s too bad, you haven’t seen how your young master is when he’s with me. Are you sure you know who’s deluding who here?” Placidly, I looked her up and down.
Xiaoye’s breath caught, her face swelling so red it seemed about to drip blood any moment.
“Shameless, you shameless……” Enraged, her whole body was trembling. “In less than three days, I’ll see how you die!”
Three days! My heart gave a jolt. Could it be they meant to move so quickly?
“Only, I’m afraid that Helan Zhen has changed his mind.” I laughed lightly. Lifting an eyebrow, “Why don’t you go ask him, if he’s still willing to kill me?”
She burst into loud laughter. Her smile stretched so wide, it distorted her face. “Just you? Just by yourself, you think you can upset the young master’s plans for revenge? Xiao Qi destroyed our home, our country! He and the young master are enemies to the death! You and Xiao Qi, you damned couple, you’ll both pay our Helan clansmen with your lives!”
My face paled, and I quickly turned my back. But I could not suppress the cold that seeped into my heart.
Xiaoye laughed shrilly, delighted at this imminent revenge.
It seemed that, in three days, once we entered the city, they would make their move.
On the table, the oil lamp flickered, suddenly bright, suddenly dark. Not far away, a large couch was situated in the shadowed corner of the room, a pile of quilts messily piled on top.
This was the last chance. I had no more time to observe and wait. I could only risk it all, here.
Quietly, I bent down and picked up the buns on the ground.
Xiaoye sneered coldly, “Slut, if you have any backbone, then don’t eat.”
I paid her no attention, but held the buns close to the oil lamp, carefully brushing away the dirt that clung to it.
“A pity. What good buns these are.” Looking back, I gave her a smile. Then, I grabbed the oil lamp and threw it at the couch in the corner!
The oil lamp fell on the quilts. The oil spilled out, and the quilts erupted in flames.
Xiaoye shrieked, and threw herself toward the couch, beating at the flames.
The climate was dry in the north, and when the cotton bedding caught fire, it burned fiercely. How could the flames be so easily put out? As she beat at the fire, the flames started licking at her clothes too — and suddenly, her clothes had also caught fire. In a hurry, Xiaoye threw away the quilts. The flames danced wildly. Fire climbed up the table and chair. In an instant, fire was blazing across half the room.
Taking advantage of her preoccupation with the fire, I rushed toward the door.
Helan Zhen and the rest were staying in the left wing of the house. So I recklessly hurried down the right corridor.
Someone shouted, “Fire—!”
Instantly, the courtyard of the relay station was filled with commotion, a confusion of people.
Some people ran past me. Others hurried towards me carrying buckets of water.
I lowered my head, and in the midst of all the chaos, I ran.
Footnotes
1 – “window paper” – traditionally, Chinese windows did not use glass, but rather, usually, some sort of oiled paper
2 – “late spring” – more literally: ‘the fourth month’. Since the setting of this novel is in ancient China, we are going by the lunar calendar. The fourth month roughly correlates to May.
3 – “wooden ledge” – more accurately, this is a “diagonally inclining wooden strip,” not clear to me from context what its purpose is, possibly used to prop the window open.
4 – “attended to” – this might also be translated as “to care for” or “to look after” or “to wait upon”. Basically, the implication is that she has not taken care of Xiao Qi’s needs (as a wife might, ie sexually) yet.
5 – “How dare you!” – literally, translates as “Shameless!”, ie that he is without shame, what he does is outrageous, etc.
6 – “Helan Zhen” – see Chapter 6 for “Helan”. His first name “Zhen”/箴 can mean ‘to warn’, ‘to admonish’.
7 – “divorce papers” – roughly, there were two types of divorces in ancient China: (1) mutual divorce, where both parties agree to separation and (2) for the wife to be cast off (休书/the husband unilaterally declares a divorce), typically because she has failed to perform some wifely function (e.g., failure to bear a son / lack of failure piety / etc). This second method is a disgrace to the wife, because it reflects her “failure” as a wife. A-wu says that she would ask for divorce papers via this second method. That A-wu would voluntarily seek to be cast off (ie this second method) indicates the lengths she would go to to divorce the Yuzhang Prince.
8 – “time of the fifth watch” – about 3 to 5 in the morning.
9 – “outside the pass … northern barbarian” – this differentiates between ethnic Han people living north of the Great Wall, and ethnically non-Han peoples native to areas north of the wall.
10 – “beg on knees” – more accurately, to kowtow, to kneel and lower her head against the ground.
11 – “the very seat of the Yuzhang Prince’s power” – more literally, underneath the Yuzhang Prince’s very eyelids. In other words, somewhere right in front of him.
12 – “weirdly gentle” – 莫名 is here translated as “weirdly”, but it might also be understood as “mysterious”, “for no good reason”, “bizarre”. 温柔 is translated as “gentle”, but might also be understood as “warm”, “soft”, “tender”. So Helan Zhen is having another one of his mood swings here, all of a sudden very kind and gentle; but suddenness of it seems bizarre to A-wu.
13 – “your mother” – When A-wu asks after Helan Zhen’s mother, above, she uses the phrase 零次, an honorific meaning “your esteemed mother” (polite/distant/well-bred). Compare to here, when Helan Zhen refers to A-wu’s mother, he uses 你娘, much more colloquial (unreserved/familiar).
14 – “coagulated of far too much blood and tears” – the more literal translation of this sentence would be “This city condensed/solidified too much tears of blood/tears and blood/extreme suffering legends”.
15 – “offer them on a silver platter” – more literally, “offer them in your cupped hands”. To hold something in both hands, cupped, is a respectful gesture; the intent here is not unlike offering something on a silver platter.
1.7 A Dangerous Road
Wind rattled against the windows and almost tore through the window paper1. The sound of it rose, whistling sharply.
Seven days had passed. I did not know where this place was, but even in late spring2 the weather remained windy. A cold rain had swept through these past two days. The window was loose, and a cold draught seeped into the room. I reached to close the window more securely, but my sleeve caught on the wooden ledge3.
I pulled at it forcefully and by accident scraped my hand against the rough wood. A thin faint line of blood welled up on my little finger.
“Don’t move.”
Before I could turn around, a pair of arms encircled me from behind. My sleeve was freed; my hand was seized.
A man’s warm breath. Shivering, I hurriedly turned aside to avoid him.
“How can you not manage even such a trifling thing — truly, a fine lady sheltered from birth.” He glanced at me coolly. There was something taunting about his tone, yet he pulled my hand to his lips.
My heart seized. Turning my hand, I shoved at him, but ended up pushing at his chest, which was covered by only one layer of cloth.
My furious embarrassment drew his hearty laughter.
“Young Master … is something the matter?” The door curtain stirred as Xiaoye leaned in to ask. She seemed startled by his laughter, and mixed with her concern was a thread of bewilderment.
Taking advantage of this disturbance, I pulled myself away, but heard his furious shout, “Get out! Who told you to come in!”
Xiaoye froze by the door, her expression all astonished confusion.
In a rage, he grabbed the medicine bowl and threw it at the door. “Get out!”
Tears welled up in Xiaoye’s eyes. Turning, she fled.
Keeping well away, I withdrew to the corner of the room. Indifferent to this unfolding drama, I only looked at him coldly.
These few days, his injury seemed to have improved greatly. Though he was not yet fully healed, yet his energy and spirits seemed vastly restored.
This Helan young lord was of an eccentric temperament. When wan and sallow with illness, he might draw a person to sympathize. But with improved health, his temper became perverse. He vacillated between good cheer and black fury. Sometimes, he could spend an entire day without speaking a word, ignoring everyone beside him. Other times, he could be violently irritable, flying into fury with hardly any reason.
Driving Xiaoye away did not seem to have soothed his temper. He appeared even more annoyed and restless.
I rose and went to the door.
A sudden pain around my arm. He hauled me back forcefully.
“Did I tell you to leave?” He said icily.
“I want to get a new bowl. You smashed one again, just now.” I said without expression.
He fixed his gaze on me for a long moment. Hand tightening, he yanked my chin up.
“Let go!” I rebuked, angry.
“You’ve not yet attended to4 Xiao Qi like this, have you?” He looked at me closely, half-smiling.
I froze, the other angry rebukes choking in my throat. All of a sudden, I could not say anything.
For a moment, bitter grief welled up, pungent and biting. A thousand grievances came to mind, how he had wronged me; ten thousand things I had endured, because he had given me no choice – they all suddenly flooded my heart.
First, that marriage edict, like a thunderbolt from the heavens. Then, that bridal chamber where he left me without a word. And now, kidnapped and in danger, trapped in such dire circumstances. All this terrible misfortune, bestowed upon me by that husband whose face I had not yet seen. Because of him, I had suffered insult and humiliation, and yet – where was he? Did he know of my pain and sufferings? Did it concern him even a little … — but no, his concern probably did not amount to even “a little”.
By now, I had been captured for more than ten days. Father and mother were far away in the capital, too great a distance to be of any help. But he – he was a great general, stationed to protect the northern border. Yet he could not protect even his own wife. I had quietly endured all this suffering and humiliation, waiting for someone to save me, but even now there was still not even half a sliver of hope.
I could endure the insults and ridicule, other people’s sneers and taunts, I could endure all of it. But I could not bear to be again and again abandoned.
“I’m wondering, a princess consort like you, princess consort in name only – are you even now still a virgin?” He pinched my chin, leaning down to press closer.
Frightened into anger, I raised my hand and struck him across the face – a resounding slap.
Shocked, and then furious, he glared at me, as a red imprint slowly appeared on his cheek. Then he returned the strike, so heavy a blow that I fell to the ground.
My sight blurred, as fiery pain spread across my face.
He looked coldly down at me, the chilly smile at the corners of his mouth causing me to shiver with fear. “I want to see how faithful the Yuzhang Princess is! If she’ll stay constant to her husband, even to death!”
I felt a sudden tightening around my neck. Then the sound of silk being torn! He ripped apart collar of my bodice!
Trembling all over, I said, “I am Xiao Qi’s wife. If you are a real man, then meet him fairly on the battlefield! To bully a woman like this – what kind of vengeance is it? If the ancestors of the Helan tribe knew, you would surely be a disgrace to them!”
His hand stilled in front of my chest, the features of his elegant face slowly twisting. His eyes gleamed as if they were red-burning coals of wrath.
“If my ancestors knew!” He barked out a laugh. “They already regarded me as a disgrace, twenty years ago! What does one more today matter?”
Suddenly, he yanked down the underclothes covering my chest. His hands slid over my bare skin, wandering down.
“How dare you5!” Crying, I struggled against him, my hair a mess, my hairpins in disarray – suddenly, I managed to seize a falling hairpin. In rage and shame and desperation, I acted with no hesitation. I gripped the hairpin tightly, and clenched my teeth, and I struck him with all my strength –
The golden hairpin pierced his skin. I felt the soft flesh yielding, but I could not stab any deeper. He grabbed my wrist with ruthless strength. In great pain, I could only let go of the hairpin.
His hand around my right wrist tightened even further. In his eyes, the desire to kill me grew increasingly apparent.
The pain in my wrist sharpened until it seemed like he had crushed the bones. A cold sweat broke out over my entire body.
With a turn of his hand, he pulled out the golden hairpin from where it had stabbed him, between the shoulder and neck.
“You want to kill me?” He asked in a low hoarse voice, his eyes darkening with murderous intent.
“I regret not killing you earlier.” I met his gaze.
His pupils slowly shrank. His gaze seemed like a vast expanse of ice, and within it seemed to be infinite sadness and boundless disappointment.
I closed my eyes. Nevertheless, tears flowed out … If death should come for me, here, now – I thought I could maybe meet it with some peace.
Then I felt a sudden warmth on my neck, and immediately after that, a piercing pain. He had bitten my neck!
Raising his head, he wiped away the blood on his lips with the back of his hand. His smile was chilly, but his eyes burned.
“However you choose to harm me, I will repay back in kind.” His hand brushed against my neck. “This wound will be my mark! Your master from now will be me, Helan Zhen6!”
The wound on my neck was not deep. But it ached deeply when touched.
For the next two days and two nights, I was locked in the basement. I was never allowed out. And, aside from delivering my meals, no one ever came in either.
Whenever I thought of Helan Zhen, I still trembled with fear. By chance and good luck, I had managed to avoid his attempts to violate me, but still he had bitten the side of my neck … He was insane! I did not know what strange method of torture he would dream up next. He hated Xiao Qi, but he poured all the malice in his heart out on me.
His enemy was Xiao Qi, but he had abducted me. If it had only been to humiliate me and give vent to his rage, then why all the secrecy and disguise along the way?
Most likely, they had some other, larger plan in mind.
But of what use was I? Unless they intended to use me as a bargaining chip, in order to threaten Xiao Qi?
If that was their intention, then they were to be disappointed – the Yuzhang Prince cared nothing for my life or death.
Considering matters to this point, I let out a bitter laugh. Then, the laughter slowly turned to tears.
If I could escape out of here alive, if I could live to see his highness the Yuzhang Prince — I thought I would ask him for divorce papers7.
Better to remain alone for the rest of my life, than to be the Yuzhang Princess.
During the night, I was startled awake by the sound of a commotion.
The door to the cellar was opened, and Xiaoye came in silently. She threw a bundle of clothes onto me.
“Get changed!” The heat of her glare was enough to burn two holes through me.
That day, when I had been almost dishonored by Helan Zhen, my clothes had been torn to pitiful shreds, leaving me with only a cloak to cover myself.
I picked up the clothes she had thrown at me, only to find that they were garishly colored garments in the barbarian style.
After I had dressed myself, Xiaoye herself arranged my hair, plaiting it into two long braids to hang over my shoulders. Then she draped a gaudily colorful headscarf over my head, covering the larger part of my face.
Xiaoye pushed me out the cellar, and led me all the way out the front door.
Last time, I had fled in a hurry and not been able to look around carefully at the surroundings. Now, though it was night, the area was brightly lit with torches. From a glance, it looked like this area was perhaps an army barrack, bustling with activity. In the distance, three large bonfires burned. Around us were a number of simple and crude mud huts. Nearby, several horse carts were parked, and all around, people came and went busily.
The sky was slowly starting to brighten, a pale light showing through the clouds. The air was cold enough to chill to the bone. It was probably past the time of the fifth watch8.
The people around me were all dressed in the style of those from outside the northern pass. Some were even dressed as I was – like a northern barbarian9.
Two large men were waiting outside the door. Together with Xiaoye, they pressed me towards one of the horse carts. A thick curtain was draped over the cart, as if in preparation for a long journey. Suddenly I heard the sound of a woman weeping. Her piteous cries were followed by the sound of shouting and cursing, and then the crack of a whip.
“Please, I beg you, sir, have mercy. My child at home has not yet been weaned off breastmilk -–if I were to leave, he would surely die. Please, sir, please let me go home, I beg you on my knees10 …”
“Shut up! Your man sold you to me, eh, sold you for gleaming white silver. So you behave yourself. If you’re good, then maybe in eight or ten years, who knows, I might let you come back. But you keep acting up, see if I don’t beat you to death right now!”
In front of one horse cart, a young woman had managed to grasp the shaft of the cart. She held on with a death grip, though the large man behind her cursed and whipped. But she would not get on the cart. Her heart-rending cries pierced the ears.
My heart trembled, chilled. Unconsciously, my shoulders drew up. Then someone grabbed my arm.
Behind me was Helan Zhen, dressed in barbarian clothes. His expression was bland as he looked at me with cold indifference.
“On this cart are all prostitutes. They’re setting out for Ningshuo today, to be sold to the military brothels.”
I shivered in fear.
“Get on the cart. Don’t make me have to whip you, too.” Half-smiling, he hauled me onto the horse cart.
The curtain fell behind me, and the cart slowly began to move forward.
Leaning against the side of the cart, I listened to the sound of horse hooves. The possibilities of what was to come flashed before me, when in a sudden jolt, I understood what was happening.
They were disguised as brothel agents, and having hidden me amongst the military prostitutes, they meant to sneak into the city of Ningshuo.
Who could have imagined, that after they kidnapped the Yuzhang Princess, they would arrogantly send her to the very seat of the Yuzhang Prince’s power11?
Transport of military prostitutes usually followed behind supply carts and provision wagons, so that they could be guarded together by military escorts.
To ensure that army provisions could speedily and smoothly be sent to the front, the Ministry of War granted special permission to the supply train to bypass the usual custom checks. The supply train wagons did not need to be searched.
What could be more safe, when bringing along a woman, than to mix in with the military prostitutes in the supply train?
How clever a plan! This Helan Zhen, disagreeable and perverse, cunning and shrewd—and, it turned out, so frightening a person.
This supply train was headed to Ningshuo. As expected, their target was not me, but rather Xiao Qi.
Helan Zhen, how would he deal with Xiao Qi? … my heart became increasingly unsettled.
Whatever the case, that person was after all my husband.
Perhaps, Helan Zhen would prove an unworthy opponent for him, and would suffer defeat by his hand, and I would also be rescued.
He was great general, after all, who could look down upon all the world. He was the only one, who could rescue me … I buried my head in the crook of my arm, drew up my knees, laughing bitterly.
“What are you thinking about?”
Helan Zhen reached out a hand and lifted my chin, his voice weirdly gentle12.
I turned my face away, unwilling to regard him.
“This trip to Ningshuo will finally succeed in reuniting you and your husband. Are you not happy?”
He trailed a chilly finger down the curve of my face. I shivered.
I said nothing. Closing my eyes, I let him say what he would, and paid him no attention.
He also fell silent, and no longer bothered me, but only stared at me quietly.
All of a sudden, the horse carriage jolted, throwing me forward. I crashed into the carriage boards, and in pain, cried out.
Helan Zhen hurriedly put out a hand to support me.
I drew back immediately, coldly avoiding him.
His two outstretched hands froze in midair. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly, in a bitter smile.
Holding myself against the sides of the carriage, I regained my seat. My nerves were all alert, as I looked at him warily.
“Am I so disgusting?” He lowered his head, with a sneering laugh.
“In the past, they all detested me, feared me. Every chance they got, they would chase and beat me.” A vague smile appeared on his face, as murmuring, he continued, “Every time, mother would hold me in her arms, and she would cry as she gave me medicine for my wounds. Sometimes, I almost wished that they would beat me, and I would be wounded, because then mother would hold me.”
I stared blankly at him. I did not know why suddenly he was speaking about his childhood, but listening, I gradually grew disconsolate.
He raised his eyes and looked at me, his gaze blurry. “That day, when you fed me medicine … I thought that mother had come back.”
My face flushed red. I lowered my head, and did not know how to answer. “Your mother, is she also at Ningshuo?”
He was silent.
After a long moment, I heard him say coldly, “My mother passed away a long time ago.”
I froze.
“What did your mother13 call you?” He suddenly asked.
“A-wu.” I blurted out, and then immediately regretted it.
He smiled, his long eyebrows lifting slightly. The expression in his eyes brightened.
“A-wu……” He called me, in a low voice, his tone as soft as the warm wind on a spring night.
My head lowered, I did not answer. I hid my face in the crook of my arm, and closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
A sudden warmth enveloped me: his cloak draped over my shoulders.
“Sleep well. Don’t catch a cold.” He also leaned back against the carriage, lazily stretching out his legs. He closed his eyes.
My heart palpitated with fear. I could not tell whether this gentle and tender young man before me, or whether the perverse-tempered, easily-angered, mercurial young master—which one was the true Helan Zhen?
For the whole trip, there was only Helan Zhen and me to keep each other company, though the companionship proved to be relatively peaceful. A large bearded man sat in front outside and drove the carriage. The others followed along in another horse carriage behind. Every time we reached a post station to rest and feed the horses, Xiaoye—also dressed like a military prostitute—kept close guard and never left my side.
I was watchful, and paid close attention to my surroundings. But it was futile: I found not even a chance to cry for help, to say nothing of a chance to escape.
The days slipped away as we headed north. Ningshuo gradually grew closer.
Ningshuo, a place I had seen countless times on the imperial maps.
Who could have thought, when I really set out for that place, it would be under these circumstances.
This city, strategically situated along the border, was originally not called Ningshuo.
Xiao Qi—who back then was still the Ningshuo General—had once dealt a decisive defeat to the Göktürks at this city. He had made his name in that battle, ending many years of disastrous war in the north. His battle fame grew far and wide. And the people of this city, in an expression of gratitude, changed the name of the city to Ningshuo.
This city was coagulated of far too much blood and tears14 .
Xiao Qi, commanding four hundred thousand brave troops, stood guard and defended this city for many years. He secured the northern border and fortified it well, sturdy against any attacks.
Ningshuo was a city which could not be shaken even by the Göktürk armored cavalry. But Helan Zhen, with his band of only a dozen people, dared to slip in, straight into the tiger’s cave.
What sinister schemes had he laid, in his quest for vengeance against Xiao Qi?
The closer we came to Ningshuo, the more apprehensive I became. I dared not think—when I stepped foot into Ningshuo, what would be awaiting me there.
Xiao Qi, under what circumstances would we meet?
How would he deal with these Helan clansmen, and their desire for revenge?
And how would he deal with me ……
As night fell, heavy fog settled on the mountain paths. The horse carts, already heavily loaded with supplies, became more difficult to maneuver. There was no choice but to settle down for the night at the relay station ahead.
Past this relay station, it was another half-day’s journey to Ningshuo.
Once we were down from the carriage, Xiaoye pressed me into the room, following me closely and keeping careful guard.
These past few days, I had behaved in a quiet and obedient manner. I no longer resisted. Toward Helan Zhen, I sometimes spoke kindly and met his eyes.
Whenever I smiled and spoke sweetly, Helan Zhen would also express a rare cheerfulness, and become kindlier to his subordinates as well.
Only Xiaoye’s enmity towards me increased. At the smallest chance, she would curse and swear at me.
If I guessed not wrongly, she probably harbored a secret love for Helan Zhen.
From outside, food was delivered. Today was minced meat and chives sprout porridge. I went to the table and had just picked up the wooden spoon, when Xiaoye suddenly knocked the spoon away.
She threw two cold buns at me, “As if you deserve meat and porridge! Yours are the buns!”
The buns hit me and fell, rolling away under the table.
Slowly, I raised my eyes and looked at her.
“You damn whore, what are you looking at? Keep looking and I’ll gouge your eyes out!”
“Fine, come gouge them out.” I smiled thinly. “The best thing would be to offer them on a silver platter15 to Helan Zhen, and see how your young master rewards you.”
She bolted upright, flushing red with anger, “Shameless slut! Even when you’re this close to death, you still have delusions of seducing the young master!”
“That’s right. Oh, but it’s too bad, you haven’t seen how your young master is when he’s with me. Are you sure you know who’s deluding who here?” Placidly, I looked her up and down.
Xiaoye’s breath caught, her face swelling so red it seemed about to drip blood any moment.
“Shameless, you shameless……” Enraged, her whole body was trembling. “In less than three days, I’ll see how you die!”
Three days! My heart gave a jolt. Could it be they meant to move so quickly?
“Only, I’m afraid that Helan Zhen has changed his mind.” I laughed lightly. Lifting an eyebrow, “Why don’t you go ask him, if he’s still willing to kill me?”
She burst into loud laughter. Her smile stretched so wide, it distorted her face. “Just you? Just by yourself, you think you can upset the young master’s plans for revenge? Xiao Qi destroyed our home, our country! He and the young master are enemies to the death! You and Xiao Qi, you damned couple, you’ll both pay our Helan clansmen with your lives!”
My face paled, and I quickly turned my back. But I could not suppress the cold that seeped into my heart.
Xiaoye laughed shrilly, delighted at this imminent revenge.
It seemed that, in three days, once we entered the city, they would make their move.
On the table, the oil lamp flickered, suddenly bright, suddenly dark. Not far away, a large couch was situated in the shadowed corner of the room, a pile of quilts messily piled on top.
This was the last chance. I had no more time to observe and wait. I could only risk it all, here.
Quietly, I bent down and picked up the buns on the ground.
Xiaoye sneered coldly, “Slut, if you have any backbone, then don’t eat.”
I paid her no attention, but held the buns close to the oil lamp, carefully brushing away the dirt that clung to it.
“A pity. What good buns these are.” Looking back, I gave her a smile. Then, I grabbed the oil lamp and threw it at the couch in the corner!
The oil lamp fell on the quilts. The oil spilled out, and the quilts erupted in flames.
Xiaoye shrieked, and threw herself toward the couch, beating at the flames.
The climate was dry in the north, and when the cotton bedding caught fire, it burned fiercely. How could the flames be so easily put out? As she beat at the fire, the flames started licking at her clothes too — and suddenly, her clothes had also caught fire. In a hurry, Xiaoye threw away the quilts. The flames danced wildly. Fire climbed up the table and chair. In an instant, fire was blazing across half the room.
Taking advantage of her preoccupation with the fire, I rushed toward the door.
Helan Zhen and the rest were staying in the left wing of the house. So I recklessly hurried down the right corridor.
Someone shouted, “Fire—!”
Instantly, the courtyard of the relay station was filled with commotion, a confusion of people.
Some people ran past me. Others hurried towards me carrying buckets of water.
I lowered my head, and in the midst of all the chaos, I ran.
Footnotes
1 – “window paper” – traditionally, Chinese windows did not use glass, but rather, usually, some sort of oiled paper
2 – “late spring” – more literally: ‘the fourth month’. Since the setting of this novel is in ancient China, we are going by the lunar calendar. The fourth month roughly correlates to May.
3 – “wooden ledge” – more accurately, this is a “diagonally inclining wooden strip,” not clear to me from context what its purpose is, possibly used to prop the window open.
4 – “attended to” – this might also be translated as “to care for” or “to look after” or “to wait upon”. Basically, the implication is that she has not taken care of Xiao Qi’s needs (as a wife might, ie sexually) yet.
5 – “How dare you!” – literally, translates as “Shameless!”, ie that he is without shame, what he does is outrageous, etc.
6 – “Helan Zhen” – see Chapter 6 for “Helan”. His first name “Zhen”/箴 can mean ‘to warn’, ‘to admonish’.
7 – “divorce papers” – roughly, there were two types of divorces in ancient China: (1) mutual divorce, where both parties agree to separation and (2) for the wife to be cast off (休书/the husband unilaterally declares a divorce), typically because she has failed to perform some wifely function (e.g., failure to bear a son / lack of failure piety / etc). This second method is a disgrace to the wife, because it reflects her “failure” as a wife. A-wu says that she would ask for divorce papers via this second method. That A-wu would voluntarily seek to be cast off (ie this second method) indicates the lengths she would go to to divorce the Yuzhang Prince.
8 – “time of the fifth watch” – about 3 to 5 in the morning.
9 – “outside the pass … northern barbarian” – this differentiates between ethnic Han people living north of the Great Wall, and ethnically non-Han peoples native to areas north of the wall.
10 – “beg on knees” – more accurately, to kowtow, to kneel and lower her head against the ground.
11 – “the very seat of the Yuzhang Prince’s power” – more literally, underneath the Yuzhang Prince’s very eyelids. In other words, somewhere right in front of him.
12 – “weirdly gentle” – 莫名 is here translated as “weirdly”, but it might also be understood as “mysterious”, “for no good reason”, “bizarre”. 温柔 is translated as “gentle”, but might also be understood as “warm”, “soft”, “tender”. So Helan Zhen is having another one of his mood swings here, all of a sudden very kind and gentle; but suddenness of it seems bizarre to A-wu.
13 – “your mother” – When A-wu asks after Helan Zhen’s mother, above, she uses the phrase 零次, an honorific meaning “your esteemed mother” (polite/distant/well-bred). Compare to here, when Helan Zhen refers to A-wu’s mother, he uses 你娘, much more colloquial (unreserved/familiar).
14 – “coagulated of far too much blood and tears” – the more literal translation of this sentence would be “This city condensed/solidified too much tears of blood/tears and blood/extreme suffering legends”.
15 – “offer them on a silver platter” – more literally, “offer them in your cupped hands”. To hold something in both hands, cupped, is a respectful gesture; the intent here is not unlike offering something on a silver platter.
