The most caring yet the scariest word in the world.
He gave it to me.
‘Love.’
“…”
Love?
It felt unreal, but not unexpected.
Lucretius has been courting me for a while now. I knew this, but I had been ignoring it. I didn’t want to even think about it.
I knew I was being cruel to him. I could understand why he would be mad at me.
He seemed to know what I was thinking. He whispered to me.
“Don’t you think you are being too harsh to the man who loves you?”
“I…”
I couldn’t speak. I had no answer to him.
Lucretius gently kissed both of my eyelids and said to me, “I swear no matter how you feel about me, my love for you will never change.”
He seemed to know why I was so fearful and distrusting. His whisper was sweet and loving.
He continued, “I am not asking you to decide right now.”
“…”
“Like I already said, I want you to choose me because you truly want me. Just like I chose you, I want to be chosen by you.”
He took a deep breath and added, “I want to be chosen by Sa Bina.”
“I…”
My heart couldn’t take this anymore.
He continued, “So don’t feel pressured. You are doing more than enough. I realized how we met wasn’t conventional, but don’t you think you can trust me just a little bit now?”
Tears rolled down my eyes uncontrollably.
I knew this. I knew it very well.
I knew how he felt about me, but I was afraid. If I acknowledged and believed his feelings for me, I was afraid I would become weak and dependant on him.
I was doing my very best to stand on my own and survive in this dangerous world. This was because I thought there was no one who could protect me.
The very first people I met in this world betrayed me in the worst way. My current enemy, the dowager empress, was a dangerous woman. I had never felt safe since I arrived here.
Perhaps I have been treating my life as if it was just a dream. I secretly thought that one day I would just open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. I desperately hoped and prayed for it.
Whenever I dreamt of earth or seeing my friends and family again, for a brief moment, I thought I finally woke up. However, after over a year of this life, I was tired. Waking up every morning to this hell was devastating.
Would I ever be able to go back home?
Was this a dream?
Did I even exist?
Was I really Sa Bina from earth? Was I just a crazy woman from this world who believed she came from a different world?
I couldn’t help but question everything and it made me despair. I felt weak and useless. Everything was uncertain.
I had to hide all of these overwhelming feelings. I had to appear to be strong. I had to pretend and lie.
I couldn’t trust or get close to anyone. Because I believed this wasn’t my home, I didn’t want to get to know anybody.
To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know who to trust.
I couldn’t let go of myself even for a second. I just looked ahead and continued on without a break.
I was at my limit. I didn’t even realize it, but it was clear that he knew it before me. He could see my desperate loneliness and weariness.
He did the one thing I was afraid of the most. He saw right through my wall. He saw my true self.
Not the strong intelligent woman.
Not the capable wife of the emperor.
All these fake masks I had been wearing broke away from me.
I was only Sa Bina. A twenty-year-old girl who was shaking in fear.
In his arms, I finally let go.
“I, I…! I…!”
I couldn’t speak because I cried so hard.
I hadn’t shown tears since the first night I woke up in this world.
Tonight, I couldn’t stop crying until early in the morning, and Lucretius was there for me the whole time with his arms around me.
***
I cried all night and the next day, I couldn’t leave my bed.
I was sick and required bed rest. As it was the second day of the celebration, Lucretius had to leave me and attend the event by himself.
I knew all the ladies and the princesses would use my absence as a chance to get Lucretius. I felt sorry for him.
A rumor started that I worked too hard and ended up fainting at the ball. The emperor had to carry me to my bed. People believed it was because I was weak from the recent accident and working hard on top of it caused me to become ill.
Thankfully, my comment on Yulia dancing with Lucretius was quickly forgotten. There were only a few who heard me say it, and Lucretius must have said something to make sure all the relevant people remained quiet.
The ball was supposed to last for a week and I already missed the second day. I apologized to Lucretius for being careless, but he told me it didn’t matter at all.
The embarrassing truth was I tried to do a little matchmaking for my own husband and ended up crying my eyes out. It was hard to see Lucretius’ face without feeling mortified.
One of the biggest reasons why I felt embarrassed was because of my eyes.
“Why won’t the swelling around my eyes go down?”
When I complained in front of the mirror, Samantha tried to help. My fever was down, but my face was still very swollen.
“Now, let’s put more ice on it.”
I pouted loudly.
“But I already did it for an hour now! My eyes get too cold. It hurts!”
Samantha sighed and said to me like I was her disobedient daughter, “Cold is the best way to bring down puffiness! Besides, it’s not like anybody made you cry so much during such an important event!”
“…”
It was true. I picked up the bag of ice and placed it on my eyes.
So cold! Even my eyeballs felt frozen!
It was unfortunate I got sick, but I didn’t regret crying. After a good cry, I felt much better. I felt a little lighter.
Thanks to it, I was able to treat Lucretius and others a little more informally than before.
Those around me seemed to be happy with the change in my attitude. They treated me even more warmly. Samantha and Agnes especially started to treat me like their unruly daughter.
I realized how coldly I had been treating them. Without realizing, I had built an invisible wall around me. I decided I should treat them better from now on.
The door opened and a familiar face walked in. It was someone who made me feel guilty.
She said to me in a rigid voice, “Greetings to her highness.”
It was Yulia. Since that night, I felt very uncomfortable around her.
Yulia handed the medicine to Samantha, who in turn handed it to me. When I drank it, Samantha groaned quietly.
I still had a bag of ice on my eyes, but I could guess what Samantha’s groan meant. Perhaps it was because we spent six months together; I knew her pretty well.
Everyone was working double time at this point. Even without the recent fire and my accident, preparing for such a big event alone would have been hard enough. There were still many who were secretly working to clean up the damages from the fire. All of my maids, especially Samantha, were working day and night.
It was partly because I had fallen ill. Samantha had to do my job as the hostess too.
I ordered her, “If you have work to do, you are free to leave.”
“Your highness…”
Samantha seemed unconvinced, but I wanted to talk to Yulia in private anyway. This was my chance. I smiled and pushed Samantha gently.
“Don’t worry about me. Yulia is here, right? She will take good care of me. There are also other maids in the next room if I need them.”
Yulia agreed. “My lady, I will take care of her highness so please don’t worry.”
Samantha contemplated for a few seconds before sighing.
“If you need me, please send someone.”
Yulia nodded. “Yes, don’t worry, my lady.”
Samantha gave Yulia a few more instructions before leaving hesitantly.
Finally, it was just the two of us.
The most caring yet the scariest word in the world.
He gave it to me.
‘Love.’
“…”
Love?
It felt unreal, but not unexpected.
Lucretius has been courting me for a while now. I knew this, but I had been ignoring it. I didn’t want to even think about it.
I knew I was being cruel to him. I could understand why he would be mad at me.
He seemed to know what I was thinking. He whispered to me.
“Don’t you think you are being too harsh to the man who loves you?”
“I…”
I couldn’t speak. I had no answer to him.
Lucretius gently kissed both of my eyelids and said to me, “I swear no matter how you feel about me, my love for you will never change.”
He seemed to know why I was so fearful and distrusting. His whisper was sweet and loving.
He continued, “I am not asking you to decide right now.”
“…”
“Like I already said, I want you to choose me because you truly want me. Just like I chose you, I want to be chosen by you.”
He took a deep breath and added, “I want to be chosen by Sa Bina.”
“I…”
My heart couldn’t take this anymore.
He continued, “So don’t feel pressured. You are doing more than enough. I realized how we met wasn’t conventional, but don’t you think you can trust me just a little bit now?”
Tears rolled down my eyes uncontrollably.
I knew this. I knew it very well.
I knew how he felt about me, but I was afraid. If I acknowledged and believed his feelings for me, I was afraid I would become weak and dependant on him.
I was doing my very best to stand on my own and survive in this dangerous world. This was because I thought there was no one who could protect me.
The very first people I met in this world betrayed me in the worst way. My current enemy, the dowager empress, was a dangerous woman. I had never felt safe since I arrived here.
Perhaps I have been treating my life as if it was just a dream. I secretly thought that one day I would just open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. I desperately hoped and prayed for it.
Whenever I dreamt of earth or seeing my friends and family again, for a brief moment, I thought I finally woke up. However, after over a year of this life, I was tired. Waking up every morning to this hell was devastating.
Would I ever be able to go back home?
Was this a dream?
Did I even exist?
Was I really Sa Bina from earth? Was I just a crazy woman from this world who believed she came from a different world?
I couldn’t help but question everything and it made me despair. I felt weak and useless. Everything was uncertain.
I had to hide all of these overwhelming feelings. I had to appear to be strong. I had to pretend and lie.
I couldn’t trust or get close to anyone. Because I believed this wasn’t my home, I didn’t want to get to know anybody.
To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know who to trust.
I couldn’t let go of myself even for a second. I just looked ahead and continued on without a break.
I was at my limit. I didn’t even realize it, but it was clear that he knew it before me. He could see my desperate loneliness and weariness.
He did the one thing I was afraid of the most. He saw right through my wall. He saw my true self.
Not the strong intelligent woman.
Not the capable wife of the emperor.
All these fake masks I had been wearing broke away from me.
I was only Sa Bina. A twenty-year-old girl who was shaking in fear.
In his arms, I finally let go.
“I, I…! I…!”
I couldn’t speak because I cried so hard.
I hadn’t shown tears since the first night I woke up in this world.
Tonight, I couldn’t stop crying until early in the morning, and Lucretius was there for me the whole time with his arms around me.
***
I cried all night and the next day, I couldn’t leave my bed.
I was sick and required bed rest. As it was the second day of the celebration, Lucretius had to leave me and attend the event by himself.
I knew all the ladies and the princesses would use my absence as a chance to get Lucretius. I felt sorry for him.
A rumor started that I worked too hard and ended up fainting at the ball. The emperor had to carry me to my bed. People believed it was because I was weak from the recent accident and working hard on top of it caused me to become ill.
Thankfully, my comment on Yulia dancing with Lucretius was quickly forgotten. There were only a few who heard me say it, and Lucretius must have said something to make sure all the relevant people remained quiet.
The ball was supposed to last for a week and I already missed the second day. I apologized to Lucretius for being careless, but he told me it didn’t matter at all.
The embarrassing truth was I tried to do a little matchmaking for my own husband and ended up crying my eyes out. It was hard to see Lucretius’ face without feeling mortified.
One of the biggest reasons why I felt embarrassed was because of my eyes.
“Why won’t the swelling around my eyes go down?”
When I complained in front of the mirror, Samantha tried to help. My fever was down, but my face was still very swollen.
“Now, let’s put more ice on it.”
I pouted loudly.
“But I already did it for an hour now! My eyes get too cold. It hurts!”
Samantha sighed and said to me like I was her disobedient daughter, “Cold is the best way to bring down puffiness! Besides, it’s not like anybody made you cry so much during such an important event!”
“…”
It was true. I picked up the bag of ice and placed it on my eyes.
So cold! Even my eyeballs felt frozen!
It was unfortunate I got sick, but I didn’t regret crying. After a good cry, I felt much better. I felt a little lighter.
Thanks to it, I was able to treat Lucretius and others a little more informally than before.
Those around me seemed to be happy with the change in my attitude. They treated me even more warmly. Samantha and Agnes especially started to treat me like their unruly daughter.
I realized how coldly I had been treating them. Without realizing, I had built an invisible wall around me. I decided I should treat them better from now on.
The door opened and a familiar face walked in. It was someone who made me feel guilty.
She said to me in a rigid voice, “Greetings to her highness.”
It was Yulia. Since that night, I felt very uncomfortable around her.
Yulia handed the medicine to Samantha, who in turn handed it to me. When I drank it, Samantha groaned quietly.
I still had a bag of ice on my eyes, but I could guess what Samantha’s groan meant. Perhaps it was because we spent six months together; I knew her pretty well.
Everyone was working double time at this point. Even without the recent fire and my accident, preparing for such a big event alone would have been hard enough. There were still many who were secretly working to clean up the damages from the fire. All of my maids, especially Samantha, were working day and night.
It was partly because I had fallen ill. Samantha had to do my job as the hostess too.
I ordered her, “If you have work to do, you are free to leave.”
“Your highness…”
Samantha seemed unconvinced, but I wanted to talk to Yulia in private anyway. This was my chance. I smiled and pushed Samantha gently.
“Don’t worry about me. Yulia is here, right? She will take good care of me. There are also other maids in the next room if I need them.”
Yulia agreed. “My lady, I will take care of her highness so please don’t worry.”
Samantha contemplated for a few seconds before sighing.
“If you need me, please send someone.”
Yulia nodded. “Yes, don’t worry, my lady.”
Samantha gave Yulia a few more instructions before leaving hesitantly.
Finally, it was just the two of us.
