[The distance from] Kuchan citadel to Cakuri Temple is only forty li and normally that would take a day of travel. However, waiting for Lu Guang had us departing quite late in the morning and our travelling speed is that of a turtle, so around four in the afternoon, we have to stop and stay overnight at a small village. This means that we would not arrive at the temple until the next day.
The village is very small, so a large group of servants are busy setting up camp and cooking next to the Tongchang River. Soon, tendrils of smoke are wafting up and over the rows of tents.
I am told to not leave the tent once I am inside. Even though I really want to see Rajiva, I have to be patient and not let my identity be discovered. Pusysdeva has gone to join Lu Guang and Bai Zhen for dinner. He has promised to help me give Rajiva the medicinal cream for the bruises. Yesterday, I had asked Xiao Xuan to find the best medicinal ointment as a precaution. I did not expect to have to use it so soon.
Xiao Xuan had arranged for a trustworthy girl who she had brought along from Chang’an, a Han named Mi-er, to serve me. I eat dinner without really tasting anything, before allowing Mi-er to remove the complicated accessories that Xiao Xuan had woven into my hair earlier this morning, so that I can let my hair down like how I usually wear it. It is getting darker outside, where you can hear cheerful sounds of singing, dancing, and bright laughter. Lu Guang treats this trip to observe a Buddhist ritual like it is an outing and has brought along so many singing courtesans. I wonder if he stops with his tormenting of Rajiva during dinner.
Rajiva, I am so near and yet unable to see and comfort you.
I really hate myself for being so useless. All this historical knowledge in my head, and yet I cannot save my beloved.
I stare at the entrance of the tent absent-mindedly for a long time. Time passes by slowly. I do not know how long I sit like that. All of a sudden, someone lifts the tent flap. Half of Pusysdeva’s body appears. His face is flushed and he is stumbling in his steps. I hurry over and even from a distance away, I am hit with the strong smell of alcohol on him.
Just as I am about to reach over to support him, I realize that there is already someone holding him from behind. I cannot see clearly who it is in the dark, so I quickly pull up my veil, afraid I would be recognized.
When the hem of a set of brown robes comes into view, my heart begins to beat wildly. That tall thin figure is supporting Pusysdeva. The dim light of the oil lamp highlights the sharp contours of his face and the sad, deep eyes that are watching me closely.
As if someone has struck all my pressure points, I stand there frozen, unable to form words. I have not seen him for only two days. How did he become so thin?
“Ai Qing, I have brought him back to you.”
Pusysdeva suddenly opens his eyes and mumbles something unintelligible.
We both recover in an instant. With some hardship, Rajiva brings Pusysdeva into the tent and lower him down onto the makeshift bed. He then looks around and lets Mi-er go out to rest.
“Let me tell you, I gave her to you eleven years ago because you loved her deeper and longer than I did,” Pusysdeva refuses to lie still, keeps mumbling and trying to sit up. Rajiva has to hold him down. He then grabs Rajiva’s robes and shouts: “She should not have fallen in love with you. Look at how she is now because of you! She has not closed her eyes for days, even fainted today.”
Rajiva gives his brother a gentle look and whispers, “You have worked hard today, so go to sleep.”
“I had promised her that I would find a good woman and live happily. I kept my promise, but what about her?” Pusysdeva drops his head on the pillow, but his hand is still holding Rajiva’s robes tightly, not letting go, his eyes unfocused, “She loves you, yet that love is not destined for fruition. You cannot protect her, you cannot give her anything. I should have not given up…”
Rajiva turns his head to look at me and lets Pusysdeva hold onto his robes without saying anything. The sadness in the depths of his eyes is rising like a river about to overflow, but he tries to push it back into those bottomless pools.
“She should not have fallen in love with you…” Pusysdeva releases his hand, still mumbles something unintelligible with his eyes closed, and then falls asleep at last.
We remain seated while looking at each other, our eyes conveying a thousand words. Time seems to still, sounds come to a silence, as if only he and I exist between this heaven and earth. I wish we can just gaze at each other like this until the end of days, without any worries, without thinking about the future.
I do not know how long I look at him, before I remember to ask him:
“How is your wound?” / “Why did you faint?”
We both still, stunned at how we have asked each other questions at the same time.
“I am fine.” / “I am fine.”
We even answer each other at the same time. It makes us dazed, this subtle tacit understanding that we have. We then look at each other’s eyes again before reaching forward to fold ourselves into an embrace. The moment my face rests on his chest, I close my eyes in disbelief. How long has it been since the last time I was in his warm arms? I no longer want to open my eyes, afraid that this is a mere illusion. If only this hug can last forever. I am willing to stay in his embrace until the sea turns dry.
“Ai Qing…” I do not know how much time has passed before he breaks the silence, “Why did you not go back?”
“If you tell me to go and I go, then what face would I have left!”
I have to use this tactic to change the subject and avoid the question that I do not want to answer.
“But you put yourself in danger by being here, and Rajiva has no way of protecting you…” he sighs morosely, admonishment showing in his eyes but only in part, as the rest is helplessness.
There is a scratch on his right cheekbone, which has become red and swollen. Pained [by the sight], I gently touch his cheek but still try to let a smile show on my face: “Don’t forget, although I might not be a celestial being, I am still from the future. Even if I cannot take you away, I can still protect myself.”
“Ai Qing!” He closes his hand over the fingers that are stroking his face and observes me carefully. Swallowing down his feelings seem to make his voice become hoarse, “I could not go with you because-”
“I understand. Because of your principles and aspirations. I will not tell you to give them up anymore. I was too greedy, wanting to change history so that we can fly free together. I know little about your future. The historical records only contain a few lines, vague and filled with many rumours. I wanted to escape, afraid of facing that future full of ambiguity. But I had forgotten that you are no ordinary man. If you have to give up on your principles and aspirations, you would no longer be you. Even if the historical records about you are full of errors, one thing remains certain: All the scriptures you have translated are elegant and plain [in language], and they are still widely circulated 1,650 years later. If the fates have arranged things to be so, then I will follow and stop resisting heaven’s will.”
I separate from his chest so that I can look into his clear, deep-as-a-lake eyes. This man, I am unable to find a way to love him less. Had I been able to, I would not have found the courage to abandon everything and follow him.
“But please do not ever utter such words to me again. I am not afraid of anything, but I am afraid of hearing you say those words. They make me incredibly sad…”
He reaches out and caresses my face, his eyes full of apology and regret. His lips tremble as he says, “I am sorry…”
“It’s fine,” I shake my head and smile. This is my coping mechanism in the face of adversity. No matter what happens, I will greet it with a smile, even if smiling will not necessarily help the situation.
“In my era, women are free to make their own decisions and not have to rely on men for everything. I am my own person. No words you say will be able to stop me from acting as I please. Even if I fall on my head in the future, it will be my own doing and will have nothing to do with you. You don’t need to make any promises, don’t need to protect me, and also don’t need to be worried that I would blame you one day.”
“Ai Qing, you- How could Rajiva possibly be that irresponsible!”
In his anger, he is unable to control his voice from rising. His Adam’s apple bobs furiously and his eyes are ablaze. He takes a deep breath before letting go of me and takes a few steps, putting his back to me. His shoulders are trembling as he stares at the oil lamp and says in a low voice: “Indeed, Rajiva said those words in order to force you to leave. Humiliations, I can endure. But Rajiva cannot let you suffer even a little bit. If the person who had to experience the events today was you…”
He pauses, breathing hard with his head raised halfway. A long moment later, his breath finally evens and he turns around to face me, his eyes full of sorrow and desolation, the sight of which I cannot bear to see.
“You had to abandon your family, abandon the bright future ahead of you, to come here and be with me, so how can I not know what you had to sacrifice. But Rajiva is incompetent…”
I open my mouth, about to speak, but he interrupts me, “Pusysdeva was right. If Rajiva cannot protect you, then I must let you go, let you protect yourself.”
I made a vow to myself to never cry again, but after hearing his words, I am unable to preserve my oath. So he really did say those cold words in order to drive me away—that to me is more meaningful to me than anything else. I step closer to him and bring a hand to softly touch his back, my voice gentle: “Rajiva, you are not [incompetent]…” I try to smile to overshadow the tears, “You are a man who possesses the strongest will and perseverance that I have ever met. I will always stay beside you, until you no longer need me in your life.”
“How can you not be needed?”
I have never seen him so agitated. He not so gently pulls me into a tight hug and rests his face on the top of my head: “Rajiva’s eyes have not closed since you left. For the past two days, I kept asking myself: What kinds of thoughts do I have for you? For more than twenty years, the image of you has always remained in my heart alongside with Buddha. If I did not break my vow of abstinence, then only Buddha would know this thought. Buddha is merciful and has allowed me to miss you every quarter of a moment. To be able to think of you in this lifetime, Rajiva is more than satisfied!”
He separates from my shoulder and carefully looks at me. Slender fingers caress my face as two trails of tears roll down his cheeks, before pooling at his sharp chin, already shadowed with stubble.
“After breaking the vow of abstinence, my desires could no longer be suppressed. Before, just thinking of you was enough because I never had you. But now, having experienced the most joyous pleasure of this world, Rajiva has realized how greedy he is. I want more than just the thought of you. Your body, your heart, I want it all. This desire scares Rajiva. Starting from that moment, you became more important than Buddha in Rajiva’s heart. How can that be! So Rajiva found a reason to console myself: You are a celestial being. If you are sent down by Buddha, then Buddha will not blame [me].
“After knowing your true origins, Rajiva should have confessed to Buddha. But my very first thought was that if you are not a celestial being, then that means you do have any power and would only suffer later [being with me]. Those words said to you were the first lies Rajiva has ever told. It felt like a knife was being twisted inside me, so bad was the pain of having to say such false words. During those two days without you, Rajiva did not have the mind to read any sutras. Could only lie on the daybed we once shared, not bothering to eat, full of thoughts and regrets over letting you go. I have never tasted such wretchedness in my life.”
That explains how he had become so haggard and with bloodshot eyes in only two days. The torment he experienced was worse than mine. With a choked voice, I call out: “Rajiva…”
He slightly steps away from me and pulls up his left sleeve, revealing the Atlas silk scarf tied on his upper arm. The scarf’s bright colours greatly contrast his honeycomb skin, creating a strangely alluring sight.
Eyes firm, he says with solemnity: “When Pusysdeva gave it to me, I knew you were nearby, that you were quietly encouraging me to persevere. With that, Rajiva finally understands: Where you came from, who you are, all of these things are no longer important. What is important is that you have come to me, have given me the love between a man and a woman that I have never dared to ask for in my life. That is enough.
“Ai Qing, there is nowhere else for Rajiva’s feelings to hide in, so I will thus confess to Buddha: I love you. I love you with the heart of a man; have loved you for more than twenty years. Not because you are a celestial being. Not because of your strange origins. But because you are Ai Qing, a woman who has a silly grin and yet is always so brave and strong, and the person who has entered my heart since I was young.”
“Rajiva…” I look at him with a smile, but the tears keep falling, splashing onto the lapels of my shirt like lotus petals in bloom. That was the first time he has ever said ‘I love you’. Such candid words, how difficult they must be for him to say. Those words touched me more than any other sugary words the world has to offer; they make me feel intoxicated.
“Henceforth, Rajiva will no longer hide his feelings for you, will stop finding ridiculous reasons [in opposition]. I always wished to keep you away from trouble, yet you are here still. Ai Qing, Rajiva does not want to and will not run away from his life’s mission. But Rajiva is selfish. You have chosen to come here [to this place]; Rajiva does not want to let you go. However, Rajiva himself does not know what tomorrow will bring and cannot make any promises to you. The road after this will only get more difficult. Are you willing to bear it with me?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself, then smile brightly: “Several hundred years after you , two Han monks named Hanshan and Shide had a conversation as follows: Hanshan asked Shide, ‘In this world, [if] a person slanders me, torments me, insults me, ridicules me, disparages me, belittles me, offends me, or deceives me, how [should I] deal with it?’ Shide answered, ‘Simply tolerate him, allow him, let him be, avoid him, respect him, not pay attention to him, then wait for a few years, and go see him.’” *
* Hanshan (or 寒山, literally means ‘Cold Mountain’, was the name he gave to himself) was a poet who was attributed to a collection of poems from Tang Dynasty (7th-9th Century), and Shide was known to be a close friend of his. Xiao Chun is saying here (through Ai Qing) that he was a monk, but it seems to be a disputed fact, though a large number of his poems do reference Taoism and Chan (Zen) Buddhism (Source: Wiki). The above-mentioned conversation does not appear to be one of said poems per my consultation of Watson Burton’s and Red Pine’s translations, and further research did not reveal the source. My English translation is an amalgamation of You Zai’s as cited in 365 Days for Travelers: Wisdom from Chinese Literary and Buddhist Classics (2015), and Xiao Laozhuo’s, plus my reading of Lương Hiền’s Viet translation.
I grab hold of his hand and [try to] pass on a sense of perseverance and hope: “What we have to worry about is not tomorrow’s happenings or empty promises, but whether we will sleep well tonight. We must take good care of our spirits in order to deal with tomorrow. History will soon prove that Lu Guang is merely a clown, and that you are the person who will be revered for generations to come.”
“Ai Qing, the person who brought you to Rajiva, no matter what his purpose was, Rajiva wish to thank him.”
He bends down and kisses me hard. His lips seem to set my eyes, my brows, my cheeks alight; everywhere he touches, it sears. This is the most heartfelt kiss we have had, where we have abandoned all worries to calmly face the wind and rain outside.
“Good, then let us face everything together. We have to eat well and sleep well, in order to have the strength tomorrow.”
All of a sudden, we hear mumbling from Pusysdeva. Startled, we immediately separate from each other. I have forgotten that he is also in this tent. After observing him carefully, I see that he is still asleep, snoring even. We look at each other and laugh. Suddenly, I remember and ask: “What happened to Pusysdeva? How did he become so drunk?”
“Lu Guang was forcing me to break the precept of no drinking. Pusysdeva stood in front of me and drank all the wine from everyone’s table until the king stepped in and dissuaded Lu Guang.”
A feeling of warmth rises in me, follows by heartache. He…
“Even though he has never said it, in his heart, he loves you a lot…”
“I know…” Rajiva places a blanket over his brother and looks at his sleeping face indulgently, before letting out a small sigh: “Me too…”
He stands up and hugs me again. “I really want to sleep now, having not slept for so long,” he lets go of me and softly says, “Rajiva will return to his tent.”
I look up, a little stunned: “You- You are letting me stay here with him?”
“Don’t forget, you are currently [posing as] his wife. Outside are all Lu Guang’s people. I am the elder brother. Staying too long in my younger brother’s tent will cause suspicion.”
“But I…He…”
“I trust my little brother…” After a pause, he continues, “You should retire early and get a good sleep. Tomorrow, there will be more difficulties we have to face.”
“Rajiva!” I call out to him, “You have a bruise on your body and a wound on your face. Let me apply medicine on you before you leave.”
He smiles, takes out the vial of medicine I gave to Pusysdeva and shakes it in front of me: “I have stayed too long. I must go. Rest assured, I will remember to apply the medicine when I go back.”
“You must remember to apply it…”
He seems to remember something, stops, takes off the string of agate beads on his left hand, and puts it on me. The string of beads is too long, so he has to wrap it around my wrist twice. He helps me fasten the knot, then smiles and says: “In the future, let’s turn it into two strings, one for each of us.”
I nod. A sly look suddenly appears on his face. He leans over and sneaks a quick peck on my lips. Before I can even react, the person has left, and I am left alone dazed and lost in the memory of such an intimate gesture between lovers. I touch my fingers to my lips and break into a silly grin.
Although Pusysdeva is so drunk that he has lost consciousness, I still cover my face with a veil and go to the servant’s tent to sleep with Mi-er. I am not worried for Pusysdeva, but for his kind wife. Mi-er is Xiao Xuan’s closest attendant. Even though she was sent here to serve me, it is hard to ascertain if there were any other intentions. However, I am still grateful for her generosity in allowing her husband to travel with another woman, even allowing that woman to pretend to be her. I therefore have to behave accordingly so that she can be at ease.
That night, I fall into a deep sleep, like I have never slept so well before. Pusysdeva wakes up several times in the night and vomits, all of which get taken care of by Mi-er, which she will tell me the next day. I only remember one thought before I go to bed: I must recuperate so that I can continue to fight tomorrow!
______________
[The distance from] Kuchan citadel to Cakuri Temple is only forty li and normally that would take a day of travel. However, waiting for Lu Guang had us departing quite late in the morning and our travelling speed is that of a turtle, so around four in the afternoon, we have to stop and stay overnight at a small village. This means that we would not arrive at the temple until the next day.
The village is very small, so a large group of servants are busy setting up camp and cooking next to the Tongchang River. Soon, tendrils of smoke are wafting up and over the rows of tents.
I am told to not leave the tent once I am inside. Even though I really want to see Rajiva, I have to be patient and not let my identity be discovered. Pusysdeva has gone to join Lu Guang and Bai Zhen for dinner. He has promised to help me give Rajiva the medicinal cream for the bruises. Yesterday, I had asked Xiao Xuan to find the best medicinal ointment as a precaution. I did not expect to have to use it so soon.
Xiao Xuan had arranged for a trustworthy girl who she had brought along from Chang’an, a Han named Mi-er, to serve me. I eat dinner without really tasting anything, before allowing Mi-er to remove the complicated accessories that Xiao Xuan had woven into my hair earlier this morning, so that I can let my hair down like how I usually wear it. It is getting darker outside, where you can hear cheerful sounds of singing, dancing, and bright laughter. Lu Guang treats this trip to observe a Buddhist ritual like it is an outing and has brought along so many singing courtesans. I wonder if he stops with his tormenting of Rajiva during dinner.
Rajiva, I am so near and yet unable to see and comfort you.
I really hate myself for being so useless. All this historical knowledge in my head, and yet I cannot save my beloved.
I stare at the entrance of the tent absent-mindedly for a long time. Time passes by slowly. I do not know how long I sit like that. All of a sudden, someone lifts the tent flap. Half of Pusysdeva’s body appears. His face is flushed and he is stumbling in his steps. I hurry over and even from a distance away, I am hit with the strong smell of alcohol on him.
Just as I am about to reach over to support him, I realize that there is already someone holding him from behind. I cannot see clearly who it is in the dark, so I quickly pull up my veil, afraid I would be recognized.
When the hem of a set of brown robes comes into view, my heart begins to beat wildly. That tall thin figure is supporting Pusysdeva. The dim light of the oil lamp highlights the sharp contours of his face and the sad, deep eyes that are watching me closely.
As if someone has struck all my pressure points, I stand there frozen, unable to form words. I have not seen him for only two days. How did he become so thin?
“Ai Qing, I have brought him back to you.”
Pusysdeva suddenly opens his eyes and mumbles something unintelligible.
We both recover in an instant. With some hardship, Rajiva brings Pusysdeva into the tent and lower him down onto the makeshift bed. He then looks around and lets Mi-er go out to rest.
“Let me tell you, I gave her to you eleven years ago because you loved her deeper and longer than I did,” Pusysdeva refuses to lie still, keeps mumbling and trying to sit up. Rajiva has to hold him down. He then grabs Rajiva’s robes and shouts: “She should not have fallen in love with you. Look at how she is now because of you! She has not closed her eyes for days, even fainted today.”
Rajiva gives his brother a gentle look and whispers, “You have worked hard today, so go to sleep.”
“I had promised her that I would find a good woman and live happily. I kept my promise, but what about her?” Pusysdeva drops his head on the pillow, but his hand is still holding Rajiva’s robes tightly, not letting go, his eyes unfocused, “She loves you, yet that love is not destined for fruition. You cannot protect her, you cannot give her anything. I should have not given up…”
Rajiva turns his head to look at me and lets Pusysdeva hold onto his robes without saying anything. The sadness in the depths of his eyes is rising like a river about to overflow, but he tries to push it back into those bottomless pools.
“She should not have fallen in love with you…” Pusysdeva releases his hand, still mumbles something unintelligible with his eyes closed, and then falls asleep at last.
We remain seated while looking at each other, our eyes conveying a thousand words. Time seems to still, sounds come to a silence, as if only he and I exist between this heaven and earth. I wish we can just gaze at each other like this until the end of days, without any worries, without thinking about the future.
I do not know how long I look at him, before I remember to ask him:
“How is your wound?” / “Why did you faint?”
We both still, stunned at how we have asked each other questions at the same time.
“I am fine.” / “I am fine.”
We even answer each other at the same time. It makes us dazed, this subtle tacit understanding that we have. We then look at each other’s eyes again before reaching forward to fold ourselves into an embrace. The moment my face rests on his chest, I close my eyes in disbelief. How long has it been since the last time I was in his warm arms? I no longer want to open my eyes, afraid that this is a mere illusion. If only this hug can last forever. I am willing to stay in his embrace until the sea turns dry.
“Ai Qing…” I do not know how much time has passed before he breaks the silence, “Why did you not go back?”
“If you tell me to go and I go, then what face would I have left!”
I have to use this tactic to change the subject and avoid the question that I do not want to answer.
“But you put yourself in danger by being here, and Rajiva has no way of protecting you…” he sighs morosely, admonishment showing in his eyes but only in part, as the rest is helplessness.
There is a scratch on his right cheekbone, which has become red and swollen. Pained [by the sight], I gently touch his cheek but still try to let a smile show on my face: “Don’t forget, although I might not be a celestial being, I am still from the future. Even if I cannot take you away, I can still protect myself.”
“Ai Qing!” He closes his hand over the fingers that are stroking his face and observes me carefully. Swallowing down his feelings seem to make his voice become hoarse, “I could not go with you because-”
“I understand. Because of your principles and aspirations. I will not tell you to give them up anymore. I was too greedy, wanting to change history so that we can fly free together. I know little about your future. The historical records only contain a few lines, vague and filled with many rumours. I wanted to escape, afraid of facing that future full of ambiguity. But I had forgotten that you are no ordinary man. If you have to give up on your principles and aspirations, you would no longer be you. Even if the historical records about you are full of errors, one thing remains certain: All the scriptures you have translated are elegant and plain [in language], and they are still widely circulated 1,650 years later. If the fates have arranged things to be so, then I will follow and stop resisting heaven’s will.”
I separate from his chest so that I can look into his clear, deep-as-a-lake eyes. This man, I am unable to find a way to love him less. Had I been able to, I would not have found the courage to abandon everything and follow him.
“But please do not ever utter such words to me again. I am not afraid of anything, but I am afraid of hearing you say those words. They make me incredibly sad…”
He reaches out and caresses my face, his eyes full of apology and regret. His lips tremble as he says, “I am sorry…”
“It’s fine,” I shake my head and smile. This is my coping mechanism in the face of adversity. No matter what happens, I will greet it with a smile, even if smiling will not necessarily help the situation.
“In my era, women are free to make their own decisions and not have to rely on men for everything. I am my own person. No words you say will be able to stop me from acting as I please. Even if I fall on my head in the future, it will be my own doing and will have nothing to do with you. You don’t need to make any promises, don’t need to protect me, and also don’t need to be worried that I would blame you one day.”
“Ai Qing, you- How could Rajiva possibly be that irresponsible!”
In his anger, he is unable to control his voice from rising. His Adam’s apple bobs furiously and his eyes are ablaze. He takes a deep breath before letting go of me and takes a few steps, putting his back to me. His shoulders are trembling as he stares at the oil lamp and says in a low voice: “Indeed, Rajiva said those words in order to force you to leave. Humiliations, I can endure. But Rajiva cannot let you suffer even a little bit. If the person who had to experience the events today was you…”
He pauses, breathing hard with his head raised halfway. A long moment later, his breath finally evens and he turns around to face me, his eyes full of sorrow and desolation, the sight of which I cannot bear to see.
“You had to abandon your family, abandon the bright future ahead of you, to come here and be with me, so how can I not know what you had to sacrifice. But Rajiva is incompetent…”
I open my mouth, about to speak, but he interrupts me, “Pusysdeva was right. If Rajiva cannot protect you, then I must let you go, let you protect yourself.”
I made a vow to myself to never cry again, but after hearing his words, I am unable to preserve my oath. So he really did say those cold words in order to drive me away—that to me is more meaningful to me than anything else. I step closer to him and bring a hand to softly touch his back, my voice gentle: “Rajiva, you are not [incompetent]…” I try to smile to overshadow the tears, “You are a man who possesses the strongest will and perseverance that I have ever met. I will always stay beside you, until you no longer need me in your life.”
“How can you not be needed?”
I have never seen him so agitated. He not so gently pulls me into a tight hug and rests his face on the top of my head: “Rajiva’s eyes have not closed since you left. For the past two days, I kept asking myself: What kinds of thoughts do I have for you? For more than twenty years, the image of you has always remained in my heart alongside with Buddha. If I did not break my vow of abstinence, then only Buddha would know this thought. Buddha is merciful and has allowed me to miss you every quarter of a moment. To be able to think of you in this lifetime, Rajiva is more than satisfied!”
He separates from my shoulder and carefully looks at me. Slender fingers caress my face as two trails of tears roll down his cheeks, before pooling at his sharp chin, already shadowed with stubble.
“After breaking the vow of abstinence, my desires could no longer be suppressed. Before, just thinking of you was enough because I never had you. But now, having experienced the most joyous pleasure of this world, Rajiva has realized how greedy he is. I want more than just the thought of you. Your body, your heart, I want it all. This desire scares Rajiva. Starting from that moment, you became more important than Buddha in Rajiva’s heart. How can that be! So Rajiva found a reason to console myself: You are a celestial being. If you are sent down by Buddha, then Buddha will not blame [me].
“After knowing your true origins, Rajiva should have confessed to Buddha. But my very first thought was that if you are not a celestial being, then that means you do have any power and would only suffer later [being with me]. Those words said to you were the first lies Rajiva has ever told. It felt like a knife was being twisted inside me, so bad was the pain of having to say such false words. During those two days without you, Rajiva did not have the mind to read any sutras. Could only lie on the daybed we once shared, not bothering to eat, full of thoughts and regrets over letting you go. I have never tasted such wretchedness in my life.”
That explains how he had become so haggard and with bloodshot eyes in only two days. The torment he experienced was worse than mine. With a choked voice, I call out: “Rajiva…”
He slightly steps away from me and pulls up his left sleeve, revealing the Atlas silk scarf tied on his upper arm. The scarf’s bright colours greatly contrast his honeycomb skin, creating a strangely alluring sight.
Eyes firm, he says with solemnity: “When Pusysdeva gave it to me, I knew you were nearby, that you were quietly encouraging me to persevere. With that, Rajiva finally understands: Where you came from, who you are, all of these things are no longer important. What is important is that you have come to me, have given me the love between a man and a woman that I have never dared to ask for in my life. That is enough.
“Ai Qing, there is nowhere else for Rajiva’s feelings to hide in, so I will thus confess to Buddha: I love you. I love you with the heart of a man; have loved you for more than twenty years. Not because you are a celestial being. Not because of your strange origins. But because you are Ai Qing, a woman who has a silly grin and yet is always so brave and strong, and the person who has entered my heart since I was young.”
“Rajiva…” I look at him with a smile, but the tears keep falling, splashing onto the lapels of my shirt like lotus petals in bloom. That was the first time he has ever said ‘I love you’. Such candid words, how difficult they must be for him to say. Those words touched me more than any other sugary words the world has to offer; they make me feel intoxicated.
“Henceforth, Rajiva will no longer hide his feelings for you, will stop finding ridiculous reasons [in opposition]. I always wished to keep you away from trouble, yet you are here still. Ai Qing, Rajiva does not want to and will not run away from his life’s mission. But Rajiva is selfish. You have chosen to come here [to this place]; Rajiva does not want to let you go. However, Rajiva himself does not know what tomorrow will bring and cannot make any promises to you. The road after this will only get more difficult. Are you willing to bear it with me?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself, then smile brightly: “Several hundred years after you , two Han monks named Hanshan and Shide had a conversation as follows: Hanshan asked Shide, ‘In this world, [if] a person slanders me, torments me, insults me, ridicules me, disparages me, belittles me, offends me, or deceives me, how [should I] deal with it?’ Shide answered, ‘Simply tolerate him, allow him, let him be, avoid him, respect him, not pay attention to him, then wait for a few years, and go see him.’” *
* Hanshan (or 寒山, literally means ‘Cold Mountain’, was the name he gave to himself) was a poet who was attributed to a collection of poems from Tang Dynasty (7th-9th Century), and Shide was known to be a close friend of his. Xiao Chun is saying here (through Ai Qing) that he was a monk, but it seems to be a disputed fact, though a large number of his poems do reference Taoism and Chan (Zen) Buddhism (Source: Wiki). The above-mentioned conversation does not appear to be one of said poems per my consultation of Watson Burton’s and Red Pine’s translations, and further research did not reveal the source. My English translation is an amalgamation of You Zai’s as cited in 365 Days for Travelers: Wisdom from Chinese Literary and Buddhist Classics (2015), and Xiao Laozhuo’s, plus my reading of Lương Hiền’s Viet translation.
I grab hold of his hand and [try to] pass on a sense of perseverance and hope: “What we have to worry about is not tomorrow’s happenings or empty promises, but whether we will sleep well tonight. We must take good care of our spirits in order to deal with tomorrow. History will soon prove that Lu Guang is merely a clown, and that you are the person who will be revered for generations to come.”
“Ai Qing, the person who brought you to Rajiva, no matter what his purpose was, Rajiva wish to thank him.”
He bends down and kisses me hard. His lips seem to set my eyes, my brows, my cheeks alight; everywhere he touches, it sears. This is the most heartfelt kiss we have had, where we have abandoned all worries to calmly face the wind and rain outside.
“Good, then let us face everything together. We have to eat well and sleep well, in order to have the strength tomorrow.”
All of a sudden, we hear mumbling from Pusysdeva. Startled, we immediately separate from each other. I have forgotten that he is also in this tent. After observing him carefully, I see that he is still asleep, snoring even. We look at each other and laugh. Suddenly, I remember and ask: “What happened to Pusysdeva? How did he become so drunk?”
“Lu Guang was forcing me to break the precept of no drinking. Pusysdeva stood in front of me and drank all the wine from everyone’s table until the king stepped in and dissuaded Lu Guang.”
A feeling of warmth rises in me, follows by heartache. He…
“Even though he has never said it, in his heart, he loves you a lot…”
“I know…” Rajiva places a blanket over his brother and looks at his sleeping face indulgently, before letting out a small sigh: “Me too…”
He stands up and hugs me again. “I really want to sleep now, having not slept for so long,” he lets go of me and softly says, “Rajiva will return to his tent.”
I look up, a little stunned: “You- You are letting me stay here with him?”
“Don’t forget, you are currently [posing as] his wife. Outside are all Lu Guang’s people. I am the elder brother. Staying too long in my younger brother’s tent will cause suspicion.”
“But I…He…”
“I trust my little brother…” After a pause, he continues, “You should retire early and get a good sleep. Tomorrow, there will be more difficulties we have to face.”
“Rajiva!” I call out to him, “You have a bruise on your body and a wound on your face. Let me apply medicine on you before you leave.”
He smiles, takes out the vial of medicine I gave to Pusysdeva and shakes it in front of me: “I have stayed too long. I must go. Rest assured, I will remember to apply the medicine when I go back.”
“You must remember to apply it…”
He seems to remember something, stops, takes off the string of agate beads on his left hand, and puts it on me. The string of beads is too long, so he has to wrap it around my wrist twice. He helps me fasten the knot, then smiles and says: “In the future, let’s turn it into two strings, one for each of us.”
I nod. A sly look suddenly appears on his face. He leans over and sneaks a quick peck on my lips. Before I can even react, the person has left, and I am left alone dazed and lost in the memory of such an intimate gesture between lovers. I touch my fingers to my lips and break into a silly grin.
Although Pusysdeva is so drunk that he has lost consciousness, I still cover my face with a veil and go to the servant’s tent to sleep with Mi-er. I am not worried for Pusysdeva, but for his kind wife. Mi-er is Xiao Xuan’s closest attendant. Even though she was sent here to serve me, it is hard to ascertain if there were any other intentions. However, I am still grateful for her generosity in allowing her husband to travel with another woman, even allowing that woman to pretend to be her. I therefore have to behave accordingly so that she can be at ease.
That night, I fall into a deep sleep, like I have never slept so well before. Pusysdeva wakes up several times in the night and vomits, all of which get taken care of by Mi-er, which she will tell me the next day. I only remember one thought before I go to bed: I must recuperate so that I can continue to fight tomorrow!
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