Chapter 18
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I've never been someone people can call "sensitive".
I actually never felt any feeling, well, that is, apart from curiosity.
From most viewpoints, it seems perfect: no fear, no emotions to hinder your thoughts... The perfect rationalist.
But objectively, it is quite dangerous.
People already understood that pain was essential to survive long ago, but everyone seems to be annoyed by their sleepiness, to reject their fear...
While it is indeed a pain when disproportionate, it is, in fact, useful for all kind of situations.
I had a very hard time keeping my body intact until now because of my lack of fear. A lot of things that seems normal to most people won't be for me...
I still remember when I tried to fly like birds from the top of a cliff...
But that's another story.
Life is sometimes a living hell when you're emotionless...
What face should I make?
What am I supposed to feel?
Should I consider it beautiful or not?
Does this test good or not?
And... What are their current feelings? Are they happy, sad? How to recognize it without empathy?
All these questions were solved one by one by me while I was growing up.
My childhood was mainly me trying to understand other's emotions.
To do that I studied... studied... studied what they were doing... again and again...
But I didn't feel tiredness, so sometimes I fell asleep without being even prepared for it.
I also didn't feel anything, studying emotions was just a tool for me to use people in a better way.
Aren't adults giving answers more often if you ask it with a smile? Or with an eager-to-learn expression?
As my only feeling, curiosity was also my stronger feeling, so I did everything to fulfill it.
But I was also curious to know what being electrocuted was like.
And when your stomach or your head is cut?
And when you jump?
But strangely, the only reason I kept my life all this time was because I was rational.
If I died now, won't I be unable to test all the other things?
So I decided to do everything I can and then, to try all the deaths in the world at the same time: old age, electrocution, jumping, beheading...
And so, one day, while going back home, I found something quite interesting. The magic.
This is the day someone came into my house without my permission.
I remember entering my home when someone threw at me a can of coke. He was sitting on an armchair, before a little table.
I wasn't surprised, I was just curious.
I remember sitting in the armchair on the other side of the table, and saying:
-What are you doing here?
I wasn't angry, I was just curious.
-Hello, Mister Lovejoy.
My last name is not fitting with my character... I should change either of mask or change my name.
-Hello.
I replied with a smile, imitating others as per my habit.
-Habit is such a dangerous thing, Mister Lovejoy.
-Excuse me?
I remember I feigned surprise, he maybe had suspicions about my secret, so if I looked too innocent, it would only strengthen his doubts.
-I said that habit is such a dangerous thing.
-What do you mean by that?
-I meant that the feeling you used was wrong.
-Pardon me but I don't understand what you are saying.
-Stop playing innocent, Mister Lovejoy.
-Why would I play innocent, I don't even know what you're talking about!
Maybe I should have stopped at that moment, but maybe he just had doubts and wanted to confirm them, then I would have just been blowing my cover.
-"Maybe I should stop now, but maybe he just has doubts and want to confirm them, then I would just blow my cover" That's what you thought, right?
-It seems I have been totally seen through, right?
My face took again that expressionless face I was used having when alone.
-Yes, Mister Lovejoy, it isn't of any use to hide this in front of me.
-So, how did you do this?
-You'll know soon enough, Mister Lovejoy. For now, just listen to what I will say.
That's a deal.
-We can cure you, Mister Lovejoy.
-Cure me?
-It's a fact, Mister Lovejoy, that magic can do everything, the only limit is the capacity of the wielder.
Most people would have said "Magic?" or "What?" but I am not most people.
-Oh, I see, so, what do you want from me?
-We need you to serve us as cannon fodder for an overpowered enemy that can destroy the world with a lift of his hand.
He stopped for a moment and then continued:
-But we guarantee your security!
-That's quite intelligent...
Most people would never accept this if asked.
And if deceived, they would instantly leave the moment they discovered their real role: a pawn.
But I am not like that.
Fear is not something that scares me away and from the moment I can keep discovering interesting things, I won't run...
-You think too, right? Then that's great! We fixed our main problem.
I only had one last thing I wanted to know:
-Then, can I learn magic in passing?
Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
I've never been someone people can call "sensitive".
I actually never felt any feeling, well, that is, apart from curiosity.
From most viewpoints, it seems perfect: no fear, no emotions to hinder your thoughts... The perfect rationalist.
But objectively, it is quite dangerous.
People already understood that pain was essential to survive long ago, but everyone seems to be annoyed by their sleepiness, to reject their fear...
While it is indeed a pain when disproportionate, it is, in fact, useful for all kind of situations.
I had a very hard time keeping my body intact until now because of my lack of fear. A lot of things that seems normal to most people won't be for me...
I still remember when I tried to fly like birds from the top of a cliff...
But that's another story.
Life is sometimes a living hell when you're emotionless...
What face should I make?
What am I supposed to feel?
Should I consider it beautiful or not?
Does this test good or not?
And... What are their current feelings? Are they happy, sad? How to recognize it without empathy?
All these questions were solved one by one by me while I was growing up.
My childhood was mainly me trying to understand other's emotions.
To do that I studied... studied... studied what they were doing... again and again...
But I didn't feel tiredness, so sometimes I fell asleep without being even prepared for it.
I also didn't feel anything, studying emotions was just a tool for me to use people in a better way.
Aren't adults giving answers more often if you ask it with a smile? Or with an eager-to-learn expression?
As my only feeling, curiosity was also my stronger feeling, so I did everything to fulfill it.
But I was also curious to know what being electrocuted was like.
And when your stomach or your head is cut?
And when you jump?
But strangely, the only reason I kept my life all this time was because I was rational.
If I died now, won't I be unable to test all the other things?
So I decided to do everything I can and then, to try all the deaths in the world at the same time: old age, electrocution, jumping, beheading...
And so, one day, while going back home, I found something quite interesting. The magic.
This is the day someone came into my house without my permission.
I remember entering my home when someone threw at me a can of coke. He was sitting on an armchair, before a little table.
I wasn't surprised, I was just curious.
I remember sitting in the armchair on the other side of the table, and saying:
-What are you doing here?
I wasn't angry, I was just curious.
-Hello, Mister Lovejoy.
My last name is not fitting with my character... I should change either of mask or change my name.
-Hello.
I replied with a smile, imitating others as per my habit.
-Habit is such a dangerous thing, Mister Lovejoy.
-Excuse me?
I remember I feigned surprise, he maybe had suspicions about my secret, so if I looked too innocent, it would only strengthen his doubts.
-I said that habit is such a dangerous thing.
-What do you mean by that?
-I meant that the feeling you used was wrong.
-Pardon me but I don't understand what you are saying.
-Stop playing innocent, Mister Lovejoy.
-Why would I play innocent, I don't even know what you're talking about!
Maybe I should have stopped at that moment, but maybe he just had doubts and wanted to confirm them, then I would have just been blowing my cover.
-"Maybe I should stop now, but maybe he just has doubts and want to confirm them, then I would just blow my cover" That's what you thought, right?
-It seems I have been totally seen through, right?
My face took again that expressionless face I was used having when alone.
-Yes, Mister Lovejoy, it isn't of any use to hide this in front of me.
-So, how did you do this?
-You'll know soon enough, Mister Lovejoy. For now, just listen to what I will say.
That's a deal.
-We can cure you, Mister Lovejoy.
-Cure me?
-It's a fact, Mister Lovejoy, that magic can do everything, the only limit is the capacity of the wielder.
Most people would have said "Magic?" or "What?" but I am not most people.
-Oh, I see, so, what do you want from me?
-We need you to serve us as cannon fodder for an overpowered enemy that can destroy the world with a lift of his hand.
He stopped for a moment and then continued:
-But we guarantee your security!
-That's quite intelligent...
Most people would never accept this if asked.
And if deceived, they would instantly leave the moment they discovered their real role: a pawn.
But I am not like that.
Fear is not something that scares me away and from the moment I can keep discovering interesting things, I won't run...
-You think too, right? Then that's great! We fixed our main problem.
I only had one last thing I wanted to know:
-Then, can I learn magic in passing?
I've never been someone people can call "sensitive".I actually never felt any feeling, well, that is, apart from curiosity.From most viewpoints, it seems perfect: no fear, no emotions to hinder your thoughts... The perfect rationalist.But objectively, it is quite dangerous.People already understood that pain was essential to survive long ago, but everyone seems to be annoyed by their sleepiness, to reject their fear...While it is indeed a pain when disproportionate, it is, in fact, useful for all kind of situations.I had a very hard time keeping my body intact until now because of my lack of fear. A lot of things that seems normal to most people won't be for me...I still remember when I tried to fly like birds from the top of a cliff...But that's another story.Life is sometimes a living hell when you're emotionless...What face should I make?What am I supposed to feel?Should I consider it beautiful or not?Does this test good or not?And... What are their current feelings? Are they happy, sad? How to recognize it without empathy?All these questions were solved one by one by me while I was growing up.My childhood was mainly me trying to understand other's emotions.To do that I studied... studied... studied what they were doing... again and again...But I didn't feel tiredness, so sometimes I fell asleep without being even prepared for it.I also didn't feel anything, studying emotions was just a tool for me to use people in a better way.Aren't adults giving answers more often if you ask it with a smile? Or with an eager-to-learn expression?As my only feeling, curiosity was also my stronger feeling, so I did everything to fulfill it.But I was also curious to know what being electrocuted was like.And when your stomach or your head is cut?And when you jump?But strangely, the only reason I kept my life all this time was because I was rational.If I died now, won't I be unable to test all the other things?So I decided to do everything I can and then, to try all the deaths in the world at the same time: old age, electrocution, jumping, beheading...And so, one day, while going back home, I found something quite interesting. The magic.This is the day someone came into my house without my permission.I remember entering my home when someone threw at me a can of coke. He was sitting on an armchair, before a little table.I wasn't surprised, I was just curious.I remember sitting in the armchair on the other side of the table, and saying:-What are you doing here?I wasn't angry, I was just curious.-Hello, Mister Lovejoy.My last name is not fitting with my character... I should change either of mask or change my name.-Hello.I replied with a smile, imitating others as per my habit.-Habit is such a dangerous thing, Mister Lovejoy.-Excuse me?I remember I feigned surprise, he maybe had suspicions about my secret, so if I looked too innocent, it would only strengthen his doubts.-I said that habit is such a dangerous thing.-What do you mean by that?-I meant that the feeling you used was wrong.-Pardon me but I don't understand what you are saying.-Stop playing innocent, Mister Lovejoy.-Why would I play innocent, I don't even know what you're talking about!Maybe I should have stopped at that moment, but maybe he just had doubts and wanted to confirm them, then I would have just been blowing my cover.-"Maybe I should stop now, but maybe he just has doubts and want to confirm them, then I would just blow my cover" That's what you thought, right?-It seems I have been totally seen through, right?My face took again that expressionless face I was used having when alone.-Yes, Mister Lovejoy, it isn't of any use to hide this in front of me.-So, how did you do this?-You'll know soon enough, Mister Lovejoy. For now, just listen to what I will say.That's a deal.-We can cure you, Mister Lovejoy.-Cure me?-It's a fact, Mister Lovejoy, that magic can do everything, the only limit is the capacity of the wielder.Most people would have said "Magic?" or "What?" but I am not most people.-Oh, I see, so, what do you want from me?-We need you to serve us as cannon fodder for an overpowered enemy that can destroy the world with a lift of his hand.He stopped for a moment and then continued:-But we guarantee your security!-That's quite intelligent...Most people would never accept this if asked.And if deceived, they would instantly leave the moment they discovered their real role: a pawn.But I am not like that.Fear is not something that scares me away and from the moment I can keep discovering interesting things, I won't run...-You think too, right? Then that's great! We fixed our main problem.I only had one last thing I wanted to know:-Then, can I learn magic in passing?
