Li Jing’s expression was intense. He clenched his fist tighter and looked for a moment as if he was struggling for restraint. But in the end, he didn’t follow through with his punch. He released Yin Li and looked up at me.
It was a gaze heavy with emotion, like a separation of countless years. As if the two of us had been forced apart in a distant, faraway time, and only now had finally been reunited.
Being on the receiving end of such a deep, emotional gaze, I felt a bit uncomfortable. He had a handsome face. His figure was tall and straight, no less refined than Yin Li’s. But his silhouette had more of an abstruse depth to it, with a slightly foreign bearing. However, it was unable to stir any of my memories.
Li Jing was clearly trying to suppress his emotions. He stood firmly in place to one side, staring at me as if reluctant to give me up. Almost like I could disappear the next time he glanced over. I then noticed his left hand clenching a paper ball. It was half unfurled and vaguely revealed “marry” scrawled on it. Now, it had been stained by Yin Li’s blood and turned into a red smudge.
That was the paper ball I had thrown down from the room upstairs. I gave Li Jing another look and finally recognized him as the man I had nailed that day with the paper ball. Now, he was staring at me with an expression was as hard to describe as before.
Then with a burst of strength, he squeezed the ball into a crumpled lump and came over, wrapping me tightly in his arms.
I was so stunned that I didn’t know how to react. Li Jing’s hug was filled with his sadness that came through experiencing the vicissitudes of life. I was swept along in his scent, and for some unknown reason wanted to sigh. But in the end, I could only pat his back comfortingly.
“You’re still alive. That’s better than anything.” His voice was low, with a slight tremble. “You’ll never know how I felt that moment when I was hit by the paper ball. I looked up and saw you. You smiled so happily, so vividly. The paper read, ‘I’ll marry you.’ Three words. In that split second, it was like my proposal of the past had finally received an answer. It was like a dream.”
“That paper was for me. I was about to ask for you to return it.” Yin Li had staunched the bleeding and stood up to speak.
Li Jing released me and turned to glare at Yin Li. There was a suppressed rage in his eyes. “That wasn’t for you. You tricked her. You nearly killed her!”
“I’m willing to compensate with the rest of my life.” Yin Li clearly had just been injured, yet he didn’t seem the least bit downtrodden right now. He always had this sort of aura. His coolheaded confidence could shake anyone’s spirit. He turned to stare at me. “…As long as she accepts.”
The deadlock between the two continued to persist. Luckily, the war zone moved into Yin Li’s house.
The three of us sat around a table and adopted battle-ready postures, bracing ourselves for a round of negotiations. Truth be told, the situation was a bit odd. I was a unable to sit calmly. In front of me, my two “boyfriends” emanated strong hostility at each other. They were two completely different people. I also seemed to have completely changed from an unwanted, amnesiac nobody to a piping hot commodity.
I even had the ill-timed thought that if I was a ballet goddess before, then other than Li Jin, maybe whole swathes of men from all around the world had fallen at my feet. Maybe my dream of “when spring comes, I’ll cart a full busload of boytoys around for a springtime outing” might be waiting right around the corner?
“I want to bring Yi Yun back to Paris.” Li Jing’s voice was a bit emotional. “She grew up in Paris. To her, that place is more fitting to be called a homeland. It’s also a better environment for her. Her friends, family, and her past are all in France.”
I snapped out of my drifting mind. “My family? Why is it that my family hasn’t appeared once even up till now? I even only discovered that Tang Yi Yun was my true Chinese name through my friends. Where are the people that gave me this name?”
Li Jing looked at me in slight shock, then finally lowered his gaze. “Madame passed away four years ago. She’s buried in a public cemetery facing in the direction of the front of the ballet troupe’s stage. It was she who chose her gravesite. She said she wanted to see you dance, always. She wanted to watch you dance til the day that nothing could shroud your brilliance. You were her pride. She was the only family you had.”
He was already doing his best to describe everything in the most palatable terms and tone, but his answer was still hard for me to swallow.
During my most solitary, helpless times when I had lost my memory, and during those times when I hadn’t yet been able to walk, I had imagined countless times that there would definitely be a day when I would be reunited with my loved ones. They didn’t need to be rich. They only needed to use their rough, weather-beaten hands to stroke my forehead, and allow me to bawl out life’s bitterness in their arms.
For all my hardship, I only needed that little bit of warmth to be satisfied. Just that bit would give me enough strength to stand, wounded and bleeding, to face the world.
However, now that my true identity has surfaced, I’m still alone. I’ve rejected a proposal, and my mom has long passed. I have no lover and no family.
I only have ballet. But even this fragile bond between the past and the present has also broken.
I felt so miserable that I was completely at a loss. I was like a block of wood. My heart was in shambles and I could barely process anything. But I could still feel pain.
“The day you had your accident was the anniversary of Madame’s passing. You would always pay respects at her grave site that day and then quietly spend some time alone. At first, I couldn’t reach you but didn’t find anything off.” Li Jing took a deep breath. “So now I hope that you can return with me, return to the place you belong. And not stay by this man’s side. He’s a swindler and furthermore nearly got you killed. Once we get back, we’ll slowly take our time to consider how to address this matter.”
“Will you come?” Li Jing looked at me earnestly.
Yin Li was rarely this silent. He looked up at me and his eyes seemed to carry a trace of pleading.
I turned my head slightly, not wanting to look him in the eye. “I’ll go.” Only then did I face Yin Li directly. “I don’t want to stay anymore. I don’t want to see Yin Xuan. She recklessly stole away everything in my life, yet is still able to hold her head up high and enjoy all of life’s pleasures. She tramped on my life to pick fresh flowers, but once the flowers were picked, still thinks I’m not even worth looking at. She can’t even bear to return to me the most ordinary of lives.”
“I had planned to leave this place anyways. I have already contacted Frank. Once the procedures and paperwork were completed for ‘Yan Xiao’, in the end I would have left. I want to see the past me. Now, just regard it as the plans have shifted to an earlier date.”
Yin Li paused. “I’ll accompany you. You haven’t recovered your memories, so that place is a completely new environment for you. You’ll need something familiar to help you feel at peace.”
Li Jing’s mood seemed to worsen. He glared at Yin Li in rage, but Yin Li only looked at me.
I turned away. “I’m afraid that seeing you will remind me of her.”
“And you don’t need to worry. I still have many matters to take care of. Even if I’m going to Paris, I won’t immediately be filing a legal motion against your sister. I still need to recover my identity as Alicia before finding a lawyer. So, it’s unnecessary for you to follow me to Paris just to keep a close eye on me. Staying in China will give you enough time to figure out how to protect her.” Those dark emotions swelled up inside me again. Even if I had one remaining relative in France who could help me find a place of belonging, I wouldn’t have said my words like this. But I was too pained. I couldn’t help but want to hurt others, and I could only hurt Yin Li.
Sometimes, knowing isn’t any better than not knowing.
I hated Yin Li. I even thought, Why couldn’t he have fooled me even a little bit more skillfully? So that I would’ve never discovered the deceit in this lifetime.
He sat in front of me with his face slightly averted. In a rare move, he took out a cigarette. In that split second, he seemed to squeeze his eyes shut in pain. But then with another look, nothing seemed to have happened. The rising smoke obscured his expression. I probably saw wrong.
Li Jing’s expression was intense. He clenched his fist tighter and looked for a moment as if he was struggling for restraint. But in the end, he didn’t follow through with his punch. He released Yin Li and looked up at me.
It was a gaze heavy with emotion, like a separation of countless years. As if the two of us had been forced apart in a distant, faraway time, and only now had finally been reunited.
Being on the receiving end of such a deep, emotional gaze, I felt a bit uncomfortable. He had a handsome face. His figure was tall and straight, no less refined than Yin Li’s. But his silhouette had more of an abstruse depth to it, with a slightly foreign bearing. However, it was unable to stir any of my memories.
Li Jing was clearly trying to suppress his emotions. He stood firmly in place to one side, staring at me as if reluctant to give me up. Almost like I could disappear the next time he glanced over. I then noticed his left hand clenching a paper ball. It was half unfurled and vaguely revealed “marry” scrawled on it. Now, it had been stained by Yin Li’s blood and turned into a red smudge.
That was the paper ball I had thrown down from the room upstairs. I gave Li Jing another look and finally recognized him as the man I had nailed that day with the paper ball. Now, he was staring at me with an expression was as hard to describe as before.
Then with a burst of strength, he squeezed the ball into a crumpled lump and came over, wrapping me tightly in his arms.
I was so stunned that I didn’t know how to react. Li Jing’s hug was filled with his sadness that came through experiencing the vicissitudes of life. I was swept along in his scent, and for some unknown reason wanted to sigh. But in the end, I could only pat his back comfortingly.
“You’re still alive. That’s better than anything.” His voice was low, with a slight tremble. “You’ll never know how I felt that moment when I was hit by the paper ball. I looked up and saw you. You smiled so happily, so vividly. The paper read, ‘I’ll marry you.’ Three words. In that split second, it was like my proposal of the past had finally received an answer. It was like a dream.”
“That paper was for me. I was about to ask for you to return it.” Yin Li had staunched the bleeding and stood up to speak.
Li Jing released me and turned to glare at Yin Li. There was a suppressed rage in his eyes. “That wasn’t for you. You tricked her. You nearly killed her!”
“I’m willing to compensate with the rest of my life.” Yin Li clearly had just been injured, yet he didn’t seem the least bit downtrodden right now. He always had this sort of aura. His coolheaded confidence could shake anyone’s spirit. He turned to stare at me. “…As long as she accepts.”
The deadlock between the two continued to persist. Luckily, the war zone moved into Yin Li’s house.
The three of us sat around a table and adopted battle-ready postures, bracing ourselves for a round of negotiations. Truth be told, the situation was a bit odd. I was a unable to sit calmly. In front of me, my two “boyfriends” emanated strong hostility at each other. They were two completely different people. I also seemed to have completely changed from an unwanted, amnesiac nobody to a piping hot commodity.
I even had the ill-timed thought that if I was a ballet goddess before, then other than Li Jin, maybe whole swathes of men from all around the world had fallen at my feet. Maybe my dream of “when spring comes, I’ll cart a full busload of boytoys around for a springtime outing” might be waiting right around the corner?
“I want to bring Yi Yun back to Paris.” Li Jing’s voice was a bit emotional. “She grew up in Paris. To her, that place is more fitting to be called a homeland. It’s also a better environment for her. Her friends, family, and her past are all in France.”
I snapped out of my drifting mind. “My family? Why is it that my family hasn’t appeared once even up till now? I even only discovered that Tang Yi Yun was my true Chinese name through my friends. Where are the people that gave me this name?”
Li Jing looked at me in slight shock, then finally lowered his gaze. “Madame passed away four years ago. She’s buried in a public cemetery facing in the direction of the front of the ballet troupe’s stage. It was she who chose her gravesite. She said she wanted to see you dance, always. She wanted to watch you dance til the day that nothing could shroud your brilliance. You were her pride. She was the only family you had.”
He was already doing his best to describe everything in the most palatable terms and tone, but his answer was still hard for me to swallow.
During my most solitary, helpless times when I had lost my memory, and during those times when I hadn’t yet been able to walk, I had imagined countless times that there would definitely be a day when I would be reunited with my loved ones. They didn’t need to be rich. They only needed to use their rough, weather-beaten hands to stroke my forehead, and allow me to bawl out life’s bitterness in their arms.
For all my hardship, I only needed that little bit of warmth to be satisfied. Just that bit would give me enough strength to stand, wounded and bleeding, to face the world.
However, now that my true identity has surfaced, I’m still alone. I’ve rejected a proposal, and my mom has long passed. I have no lover and no family.
I only have ballet. But even this fragile bond between the past and the present has also broken.
I felt so miserable that I was completely at a loss. I was like a block of wood. My heart was in shambles and I could barely process anything. But I could still feel pain.
“The day you had your accident was the anniversary of Madame’s passing. You would always pay respects at her grave site that day and then quietly spend some time alone. At first, I couldn’t reach you but didn’t find anything off.” Li Jing took a deep breath. “So now I hope that you can return with me, return to the place you belong. And not stay by this man’s side. He’s a swindler and furthermore nearly got you killed. Once we get back, we’ll slowly take our time to consider how to address this matter.”
“Will you come?” Li Jing looked at me earnestly.
Yin Li was rarely this silent. He looked up at me and his eyes seemed to carry a trace of pleading.
I turned my head slightly, not wanting to look him in the eye. “I’ll go.” Only then did I face Yin Li directly. “I don’t want to stay anymore. I don’t want to see Yin Xuan. She recklessly stole away everything in my life, yet is still able to hold her head up high and enjoy all of life’s pleasures. She tramped on my life to pick fresh flowers, but once the flowers were picked, still thinks I’m not even worth looking at. She can’t even bear to return to me the most ordinary of lives.”
“I had planned to leave this place anyways. I have already contacted Frank. Once the procedures and paperwork were completed for ‘Yan Xiao’, in the end I would have left. I want to see the past me. Now, just regard it as the plans have shifted to an earlier date.”
Yin Li paused. “I’ll accompany you. You haven’t recovered your memories, so that place is a completely new environment for you. You’ll need something familiar to help you feel at peace.”
Li Jing’s mood seemed to worsen. He glared at Yin Li in rage, but Yin Li only looked at me.
I turned away. “I’m afraid that seeing you will remind me of her.”
“And you don’t need to worry. I still have many matters to take care of. Even if I’m going to Paris, I won’t immediately be filing a legal motion against your sister. I still need to recover my identity as Alicia before finding a lawyer. So, it’s unnecessary for you to follow me to Paris just to keep a close eye on me. Staying in China will give you enough time to figure out how to protect her.” Those dark emotions swelled up inside me again. Even if I had one remaining relative in France who could help me find a place of belonging, I wouldn’t have said my words like this. But I was too pained. I couldn’t help but want to hurt others, and I could only hurt Yin Li.
Sometimes, knowing isn’t any better than not knowing.
I hated Yin Li. I even thought, Why couldn’t he have fooled me even a little bit more skillfully? So that I would’ve never discovered the deceit in this lifetime.
He sat in front of me with his face slightly averted. In a rare move, he took out a cigarette. In that split second, he seemed to squeeze his eyes shut in pain. But then with another look, nothing seemed to have happened. The rising smoke obscured his expression. I probably saw wrong.
