That night, we arrived at our next stop: Chichen Itza, the splendid Mayan city.
We had a candlelit dinner outdoors at the hotel near the Mayan pyramids.
Yin Li pointed to the menu. “I’d like one more order of garlic shrimp.”
Without even thinking about it, I followed up, “Don’t you hate garlic the most? You don’t even eat garlic bread. I remember the last time you took a bite you were disgusted for three whole days.”
Yin Li didn’t reply. I felt something off about the momentary pause in conversation, so I looked over, and saw Yin Li with a lowered head. His expression was hard to read, and hard to put into words.
“Yan Xiao, I have never disliked garlic. Quite the opposite; I like it.”
Following that exchange, we ate the rest of the meal in silence and didn’t broach the topic again. The one who disliked garlic bread wasn’t Yin Li. Clearly, it was a mixup from my memories.
I drank some wine, hoping to calm my emotions. I desperately wanted to lock away the wild, resurfacing memories back into its cage. But it maliciously broke free in ways I was unable to prevent. It even tainted my present memories. It was becoming difficult to differentiate between the past and the present. Common, everyday memories would flood my thoughts and influence my actions in a flash. I thought of Frida’s self-portraits and felt a cold sweat.
I was terrified. I could do nothing to stop the onslaught of memories.
“Yin Li, I thought of Li Jing.” I swallowed down a bite of black forest cake, finally unable to keep quiet anymore. “Before, Li Jing and I… I only just remembered… there’s more… towards him, I…”
“You turned down his proposal in the past.” Yin Li put down his fork and knife, and his gaze sharpened.
“No, no, it’s not like that.” I felt unwell. “I do remember a few bits of our interactions. But those recollections always feel like someone else’s story. Between Li Jing and I, it feels like we’re strangers. Even now I can’t determine whether this all is real or not.”
Only, I did remember. I knew the true reason why I rejected him. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but because I was afraid.
Yin Li’s expression became indiscernible, but his voice was gentle. “When did you start remembering this? What are you scared of?” He was too perceptive and went straight to the heart of the issue.
“At the Frida Kahlo Museum. That clock. I remembered that on the day I rejected Li Jing, I also bought such a clock and stopped it at the time we parted.”
Today wasn’t my first time hearing of Frida. In my memories, I knew about her from very early on. She refused to live a miserable life. Others saw her as dedicating her life to art, but I only saw her as a soul entrapped by art.
Her life lacked joy. Her unrestrained self was only because she was bored with life and turned hedonistic. Her disability closed many opportunities to her. She could only draw. Perhaps she was gifted and loved art. But once she was left with no other option than becoming an artist, she must have felt pained. Perhaps she even came to hate art.
She was like my past self who only had ballet.
The surge of resentment threatened to drown me.
Once upon a time, a mesmerizing form of art had stolen my heart. I vowed to become a figure that shone brightly on the stage. Once, I had worked hard for my mother’s smile and became intoxicated by the admiring gazes of the audience. I lived the most luxurious life. I had no wants or needs and only lived for ballet.
“When I looked at the self-portraits in that museum, I thought of the portraits Li Jing painted of me. There was one painting where I fell, and I suddenly remembered. At that time, I fell on purpose. I purposely misstepped and even in mid-air, I knew I would miss my landing. But I eagerly anticipated it. I thought, ‘If I break this leg, would I be able to free myself from a life ruled by ballet? Would I be able to live an ordinary life? Could I eat as much ice cream as I wanted? Could I wear the flowery non-ballet skirts my mother deemed vulgar? Could I hole up on the sofa and watch soap operas? Could I have a normal boyfriend, experience heartbreak and pain, and be loved?’”
As I grew older, the outside world became more marvelous. Yet I was shackled by ballet. I pushed down my desires. In any case, I could not fulfill them. They were my enemy. I could only bind and extinguish them.
“I once wrote a phrase similar to ‘I hope the leaving is joyful and I hope never to return.’ When Frida wrote that sentence, I always thought she was unhappy and unfulfilled with her life. I thought she was so miserable that she didn’t ever want to live again.” I bit my lips and continued. “When Yin Xuan drove away, I threw myself in front of her car. That was a moment’s impulse. But the thought of dying had been there long ago. The day of the accident was the anniversary of my mother’s death. She loved ballet but I did not. It was a source of great pain for me.”
In my hazy memories, I recalled my mother’s face. She looked young for her age yet imposing.
“Don’t stop! You’ve only practiced four hours today! You only started learning at twelve and your foundations are worse than the rest. You have to surpass them!”
“How could you make a mistake at such a critical point? Madame Taylor will take a pupil from those in this performance. Even if you need to get a nerve block injection, you still have to perform. As a dancer, you have to endure these pains.”
She always scolded my harshly like that. My mother gave me the best resources. She let me experience the most elegant art, yet she never gave a single thought as to whether I wanted to do it or not. She only thought that it was in my best interests.
Now, I could finally recall her face and her every expression when she spoke to me.
“Don’t you think you’ve grown too close to Li Jing? Let me remind you of how much you’ve put in to come to where you are today. If you give up halfway, run off with a man, and have a child, your ballet career will end here. Giving birth will ruin your body. Love will monopolize your time and halt your steps. In this lifetime, you will only be a third-rate dancer.
“Pregnancy is a disgrace to our art! Madame Taylor and I never gave birth. This might be one of the few commonalities between us.”
When these memories came back to me, my chest felt stifled. But now that I told Yin Li, it felt like that burden had been lifted.
“It was my mother’s demands. She made me swear upon her life that I would dedicate myself to art. I had to reject Li Jing. But even now, I can recall my embarrassment, hopelessness, and guilt.”
Yin Li cupped my face. “It’s all in the past. Yan Xiao, you must remember: you must learn how to distinguish your emotions. Your pain and hopelessness might not necessarily come from Li Jing but from yourself. You might have felt that your life was not your own and that you lacked freedom. You walked a path you did not love. That might be why you felt those emotions.”
I lowered my gaze. “Plus, my mother wasn’t my birth mother. She never married. I was only a child she adopted.” At this point, I couldn’t steady my emotions. Yin Li held my hand and comforted me.
“When I was 12, she adopted me and brought me back to Paris. She only adopted me for my bone structure and body. My whole existence was for dance. How laughable. She had the heart for dance but not the feet for it. I had the feet for dance but not the heart for it.”
As if torturing myself, I continued to bring up these memories.
But Yin Li cut me off. “Don’t speak anymore of it. Yan Xiao, don’t force yourself like this.”
But I stubbornly continued. “I’m scared of that blue house. That place contains Frida’s memories. When I see her suffering and her pain, I can feel it too. When I see the path her life took, it’s as if I’m seeing my own. You don’t know what it’s like to have your memories slowly resurface. It’s scary and dangerous. In every self-portrait, I felt her looking at me and pitying me. I felt like some bloody, dirty tumor that was stripped bare.”
“I don’t have love or social interactions or hobbies. Other than ballet, I don’t have any means of supporting myself. Many times, I wanted to escape. But I never understood the outside world.”
I gave everything I had for ballet. My mother also shackled me. In the end, I gambled everything away, impulsively throwing myself in front of a car to die. Was I too weak or too brave?
Yin Li wiped my tears and said nothing. He led me towards the Chichen Itza pyramid grounds. He held my hand and we walked out the back door to the pyramids. At night, there were few, if any visitors. The passing wind seemed to carry the bleakness of time as it wove through each pyramid. It seemed to reflect the state of my heart.
Yin Li brought me to the largest Kukulcan pyramid. In the darkness, the enormous pyramid appeared before my eyes. I strained my neck but couldn’t see the top. Such a majestic Mayan civilization…
He pulled me down to lie on the ground.
“Here, when the Mayan people made their human sacrifices, they would climb to the top of the pyramid,” he said. “They would behead the sacrifice then throw the heads down. They would use a spiked tool to dig out their hearts.
“The ground underneath you is soaked in the blood and time of thousands of years.”
Yin Li turned to hug me. “I’m not you. I don’t have the right to flippantly ask of you to forget the past like it’s nothing. But you know that I hope you will walk out of its shadow. Life is full of unexpected turns. But compared to the most ancient civilizations, we are small and humble. Civilizations become civilizations for a reason. They have barbaric, bloody pasts. But these pasts accumulate into wisdom. Only by experiencing the darkness can you have our current cultured societies. People are the same. Your pain and your struggles all mold you into who you are today.”
Yin Li and I lay on the grass underneath the Mayan pyramids. The dew stained our clothes and lizards scurried by. The sky above us was clear and wove together a whole galaxy of stars.
I breathed deeply, as if wanting to taste the bloody yet glorious remnants of a kingdom thousand years past.
“I feel like I can no longer dance, or at least no longer dance ballet. I’m starting to doubt the meaning of the first half of my life.” My mind was still a mess. The past and present me were trying to meld together, but the process wasn’t smooth. I felt a schism.
Yin Li helped me lift my hair from under my head. “I imagine that you like to dance. Yesterday, you were very happy when you danced. But ballet is not your everything. You can enjoy both ballet and other dances. You are Alicia, and you are also Yan Xiao. You must not only forgive your past, but also accept it.”
I squeezed his hand tighter and tried to suppress my memories.
Yin Li looked into my eyes and said, “I will be by your side as you find your past. Perhaps only when you remember it all will your soul be complete. But I hope that you will never remember more of Li Jing. Right now, I can create a lot of ‘trouble’ for Li Jing and keep him busy. But I cannot stop you. I only beg that you don’t return to the past.”
“Why did you name me Yan Xiao at that time?” I suddenly asked.
Yin Li smiled. “We met before. If you remember, then you’ll know why.” He then looked up at the sky. “Perhaps even if you didn’t lose your memories, you still wouldn’t remember. I don’t think I could even be called an acquaintance in your past. Just take it as me hoping that you’ll smile more. You’re beautiful when you smile.”
In the end, Yin Li piggybacked me back to the hotel. I rubbed my face against his shirt that smelled like him. I was secretly frightened. I never fully understood Yin Li, and never knew that he would have such a terrible plan. Even if Yin Xuan wasn’t the one who caused the accident, I could recover my memories at any time and abandon him. He lived how he wanted. He knew that even in my past memories, there were countless variables.
In this relationship, he loved me in this humble manner. Other than feeling admiration or dependence, this was the first time my heart hurt for him.
I also loved him like that.
That night, we arrived at our next stop: Chichen Itza, the splendid Mayan city.
We had a candlelit dinner outdoors at the hotel near the Mayan pyramids.
Yin Li pointed to the menu. “I’d like one more order of garlic shrimp.”
Without even thinking about it, I followed up, “Don’t you hate garlic the most? You don’t even eat garlic bread. I remember the last time you took a bite you were disgusted for three whole days.”
Yin Li didn’t reply. I felt something off about the momentary pause in conversation, so I looked over, and saw Yin Li with a lowered head. His expression was hard to read, and hard to put into words.
“Yan Xiao, I have never disliked garlic. Quite the opposite; I like it.”
Following that exchange, we ate the rest of the meal in silence and didn’t broach the topic again. The one who disliked garlic bread wasn’t Yin Li. Clearly, it was a mixup from my memories.
I drank some wine, hoping to calm my emotions. I desperately wanted to lock away the wild, resurfacing memories back into its cage. But it maliciously broke free in ways I was unable to prevent. It even tainted my present memories. It was becoming difficult to differentiate between the past and the present. Common, everyday memories would flood my thoughts and influence my actions in a flash. I thought of Frida’s self-portraits and felt a cold sweat.
I was terrified. I could do nothing to stop the onslaught of memories.
“Yin Li, I thought of Li Jing.” I swallowed down a bite of black forest cake, finally unable to keep quiet anymore. “Before, Li Jing and I… I only just remembered… there’s more… towards him, I…”
“You turned down his proposal in the past.” Yin Li put down his fork and knife, and his gaze sharpened.
“No, no, it’s not like that.” I felt unwell. “I do remember a few bits of our interactions. But those recollections always feel like someone else’s story. Between Li Jing and I, it feels like we’re strangers. Even now I can’t determine whether this all is real or not.”
Only, I did remember. I knew the true reason why I rejected him. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but because I was afraid.
Yin Li’s expression became indiscernible, but his voice was gentle. “When did you start remembering this? What are you scared of?” He was too perceptive and went straight to the heart of the issue.
“At the Frida Kahlo Museum. That clock. I remembered that on the day I rejected Li Jing, I also bought such a clock and stopped it at the time we parted.”
Today wasn’t my first time hearing of Frida. In my memories, I knew about her from very early on. She refused to live a miserable life. Others saw her as dedicating her life to art, but I only saw her as a soul entrapped by art.
Her life lacked joy. Her unrestrained self was only because she was bored with life and turned hedonistic. Her disability closed many opportunities to her. She could only draw. Perhaps she was gifted and loved art. But once she was left with no other option than becoming an artist, she must have felt pained. Perhaps she even came to hate art.
She was like my past self who only had ballet.
The surge of resentment threatened to drown me.
Once upon a time, a mesmerizing form of art had stolen my heart. I vowed to become a figure that shone brightly on the stage. Once, I had worked hard for my mother’s smile and became intoxicated by the admiring gazes of the audience. I lived the most luxurious life. I had no wants or needs and only lived for ballet.
“When I looked at the self-portraits in that museum, I thought of the portraits Li Jing painted of me. There was one painting where I fell, and I suddenly remembered. At that time, I fell on purpose. I purposely misstepped and even in mid-air, I knew I would miss my landing. But I eagerly anticipated it. I thought, ‘If I break this leg, would I be able to free myself from a life ruled by ballet? Would I be able to live an ordinary life? Could I eat as much ice cream as I wanted? Could I wear the flowery non-ballet skirts my mother deemed vulgar? Could I hole up on the sofa and watch soap operas? Could I have a normal boyfriend, experience heartbreak and pain, and be loved?’”
As I grew older, the outside world became more marvelous. Yet I was shackled by ballet. I pushed down my desires. In any case, I could not fulfill them. They were my enemy. I could only bind and extinguish them.
“I once wrote a phrase similar to ‘I hope the leaving is joyful and I hope never to return.’ When Frida wrote that sentence, I always thought she was unhappy and unfulfilled with her life. I thought she was so miserable that she didn’t ever want to live again.” I bit my lips and continued. “When Yin Xuan drove away, I threw myself in front of her car. That was a moment’s impulse. But the thought of dying had been there long ago. The day of the accident was the anniversary of my mother’s death. She loved ballet but I did not. It was a source of great pain for me.”
In my hazy memories, I recalled my mother’s face. She looked young for her age yet imposing.
“Don’t stop! You’ve only practiced four hours today! You only started learning at twelve and your foundations are worse than the rest. You have to surpass them!”
“How could you make a mistake at such a critical point? Madame Taylor will take a pupil from those in this performance. Even if you need to get a nerve block injection, you still have to perform. As a dancer, you have to endure these pains.”
She always scolded my harshly like that. My mother gave me the best resources. She let me experience the most elegant art, yet she never gave a single thought as to whether I wanted to do it or not. She only thought that it was in my best interests.
Now, I could finally recall her face and her every expression when she spoke to me.
“Don’t you think you’ve grown too close to Li Jing? Let me remind you of how much you’ve put in to come to where you are today. If you give up halfway, run off with a man, and have a child, your ballet career will end here. Giving birth will ruin your body. Love will monopolize your time and halt your steps. In this lifetime, you will only be a third-rate dancer.
“Pregnancy is a disgrace to our art! Madame Taylor and I never gave birth. This might be one of the few commonalities between us.”
When these memories came back to me, my chest felt stifled. But now that I told Yin Li, it felt like that burden had been lifted.
“It was my mother’s demands. She made me swear upon her life that I would dedicate myself to art. I had to reject Li Jing. But even now, I can recall my embarrassment, hopelessness, and guilt.”
Yin Li cupped my face. “It’s all in the past. Yan Xiao, you must remember: you must learn how to distinguish your emotions. Your pain and hopelessness might not necessarily come from Li Jing but from yourself. You might have felt that your life was not your own and that you lacked freedom. You walked a path you did not love. That might be why you felt those emotions.”
I lowered my gaze. “Plus, my mother wasn’t my birth mother. She never married. I was only a child she adopted.” At this point, I couldn’t steady my emotions. Yin Li held my hand and comforted me.
“When I was 12, she adopted me and brought me back to Paris. She only adopted me for my bone structure and body. My whole existence was for dance. How laughable. She had the heart for dance but not the feet for it. I had the feet for dance but not the heart for it.”
As if torturing myself, I continued to bring up these memories.
But Yin Li cut me off. “Don’t speak anymore of it. Yan Xiao, don’t force yourself like this.”
But I stubbornly continued. “I’m scared of that blue house. That place contains Frida’s memories. When I see her suffering and her pain, I can feel it too. When I see the path her life took, it’s as if I’m seeing my own. You don’t know what it’s like to have your memories slowly resurface. It’s scary and dangerous. In every self-portrait, I felt her looking at me and pitying me. I felt like some bloody, dirty tumor that was stripped bare.”
“I don’t have love or social interactions or hobbies. Other than ballet, I don’t have any means of supporting myself. Many times, I wanted to escape. But I never understood the outside world.”
I gave everything I had for ballet. My mother also shackled me. In the end, I gambled everything away, impulsively throwing myself in front of a car to die. Was I too weak or too brave?
Yin Li wiped my tears and said nothing. He led me towards the Chichen Itza pyramid grounds. He held my hand and we walked out the back door to the pyramids. At night, there were few, if any visitors. The passing wind seemed to carry the bleakness of time as it wove through each pyramid. It seemed to reflect the state of my heart.
Yin Li brought me to the largest Kukulcan pyramid. In the darkness, the enormous pyramid appeared before my eyes. I strained my neck but couldn’t see the top. Such a majestic Mayan civilization…
He pulled me down to lie on the ground.
“Here, when the Mayan people made their human sacrifices, they would climb to the top of the pyramid,” he said. “They would behead the sacrifice then throw the heads down. They would use a spiked tool to dig out their hearts.
“The ground underneath you is soaked in the blood and time of thousands of years.”
Yin Li turned to hug me. “I’m not you. I don’t have the right to flippantly ask of you to forget the past like it’s nothing. But you know that I hope you will walk out of its shadow. Life is full of unexpected turns. But compared to the most ancient civilizations, we are small and humble. Civilizations become civilizations for a reason. They have barbaric, bloody pasts. But these pasts accumulate into wisdom. Only by experiencing the darkness can you have our current cultured societies. People are the same. Your pain and your struggles all mold you into who you are today.”
Yin Li and I lay on the grass underneath the Mayan pyramids. The dew stained our clothes and lizards scurried by. The sky above us was clear and wove together a whole galaxy of stars.
I breathed deeply, as if wanting to taste the bloody yet glorious remnants of a kingdom thousand years past.
“I feel like I can no longer dance, or at least no longer dance ballet. I’m starting to doubt the meaning of the first half of my life.” My mind was still a mess. The past and present me were trying to meld together, but the process wasn’t smooth. I felt a schism.
Yin Li helped me lift my hair from under my head. “I imagine that you like to dance. Yesterday, you were very happy when you danced. But ballet is not your everything. You can enjoy both ballet and other dances. You are Alicia, and you are also Yan Xiao. You must not only forgive your past, but also accept it.”
I squeezed his hand tighter and tried to suppress my memories.
Yin Li looked into my eyes and said, “I will be by your side as you find your past. Perhaps only when you remember it all will your soul be complete. But I hope that you will never remember more of Li Jing. Right now, I can create a lot of ‘trouble’ for Li Jing and keep him busy. But I cannot stop you. I only beg that you don’t return to the past.”
“Why did you name me Yan Xiao at that time?” I suddenly asked.
Yin Li smiled. “We met before. If you remember, then you’ll know why.” He then looked up at the sky. “Perhaps even if you didn’t lose your memories, you still wouldn’t remember. I don’t think I could even be called an acquaintance in your past. Just take it as me hoping that you’ll smile more. You’re beautiful when you smile.”
In the end, Yin Li piggybacked me back to the hotel. I rubbed my face against his shirt that smelled like him. I was secretly frightened. I never fully understood Yin Li, and never knew that he would have such a terrible plan. Even if Yin Xuan wasn’t the one who caused the accident, I could recover my memories at any time and abandon him. He lived how he wanted. He knew that even in my past memories, there were countless variables.
In this relationship, he loved me in this humble manner. Other than feeling admiration or dependence, this was the first time my heart hurt for him.
I also loved him like that.
