I Shall Steal the Heavens - Chapter 6

Chapter 6






Without further ado, Teacher Jiao brought us to the center of the academy, where an empty square awaited us along with a bunch of old men. My first impression was that they were creepy old men, just rubbing their hands gleefully at the sight of so many younglings willingly wandering into their reaches while wearing lecherous grins.

It was possible, though, that they were merely overly excited over the prospect of receiving new disciples and students. I wondered if these old men were teachers too, like the relatively younger adults guiding us toward the bare square.

Well, it wasn't exactly empty. There was a gigantic black monument stone in the middle of the square, basking lazily in the sunlight. The crowd of old dudes had assembled in a circle that was quite some distance from the monument, serene and patient expressions on their faces. There were a few middle-aged ones, a few young ones (though, with the concept of xian, I couldn't tell if it was only their appearances that were youthful), and a handful of ancient ones. What caught my eye particularly were several old dudes dressed in flashy, extravagant robes, which made them stand out from the rest of their compatriots. Green, flowing robes with dragons etched onto the fabric. Red and golden robes of soft silk that featured an emblem of a soaring phoenix. Silver and blue robes that bore the crest of a roaring tiger. Black robes that displayed a tortoise surrounded by snakes.

"Aren't those the four major sects?" Tong Xue murmured when he caught sight of those elders. I nodded, having a portion of my memory of this lifetime return to me.

The current big four sects. Green Dragon Sect, Red Phoenix Sect, White Tiger Sect and Black Tortoise Sect. even back in my first lifetime, within a world of normalcy, those four Celestial Creatures were renowned in both Chinese astrology and constellations, as well as the Five Elements principle. They were the ultimate celestial guardians, supposedly protecting both heaven and earth from evil and demonic forces.

"Those masters," Ban Zhang spoke up calmly. "They're here to pick disciples from within our batch."

"How are they planning on picking disciples?" Zhu Jiao wondered out loud. "What's the criteria for choosing who is worthy of being their disciples?"

Teacher Jiao offered a curt explanation without turning back, especially since he had already told us earlier.

"We're going to measure your talent. The masters will make their selections according to the talent you possess."

"Is talent something that can be measured in the first place?" I muttered skeptically under my breath. However, Teacher Jiao heard me. Shaking his head, he turned around with a wry and disapproving smile.

"According to those old fogeys, talent is measured by the quality of your constitution."

I could tell that Teacher Jiao strongly disagreed with this method of judging one's worth, but he couldn't do anything about it because he was clearly ranked below the masters.


"…constitution?" Tu Zi Yi, a pretty girl from our class, asked in a puzzled tone. Teacher Jiao nodded.

"That's right. We call them Star Constitutions. Simply put, Star Constitutions are an individual's innate qi essence. With a good Star Constitution, cultivating will be much more efficient, and it usually is accompanied by excellent perception."

"And how do you define a good Star Constitution?" Zhu Jiao wondered out loud.

"The higher the number of stars, the better your Star Constitution," Teacher Jiao explained wearily. "For example, if two practitioners are at the same cultivation level, the one with a Two Star Constitution will have an overwhelming advantage over the one with a One Star Constitution. A practitioner with Three Star Constitution would be much better than a cultivator with Two Star Constitution. And so on and so forth."

Everyone exchanged uneasy glances, probably worried about their type of Constitution. I sighed heavily, knowing that I would be a pathetic protagonist with only a One Star Constitution. Given my horrible luck, these bad things always happened to me. Furthermore, I was completely aware that I had no talent in anything whatsoever.

I had to be prepared for the worst.

But I had another question in mind.

"Aren't we already students of Wu Ling Academy? Why are these sects still trying to recruit us?" I whispered to Tong Xue, who turned to stare at me in surprise.

"Don't you know? Wu Ling Academy isn't a sect. It's an academy where disciples from all the different sects gather to learn martial arts together. It provides an intense, competitive environment, pools all the sects' resources together to ensure that no one gets left out or is inherently disadvantaged – ideally, anyway – and allows us to spar and learn from each other. It's also the best institution who works on preserving endangered martial arts and restoring lost techniques from the ancient times. It's not a sect per say, but an alliance of sects."

"Wow, that's amazing," Zhu Jiao murmured, totally impressed. Evidently he was just as ignorant about this world as I was. I didn't know if it was because he came from another life, or was the typical protagonist who didn't know anything.

We reached the field and formed up in rows before the old masters. One of them stepped forward, dressed in traditional black and white robes that sported a yin-yang circle at the back. He resembled a Taoist priest from ancient times, with a magnificent-looking sword sheathed by his sword. Even when kept under a scabbard, I could feel the potent power radiating from its blade.

"I am the Principal of Wu Ling Academy, Xiao Zhang," the old man introduced himself. "And I welcome you all to the great, prestigious halls of our revered Wu Ling Academy! Feel honored, for all of you will now be a part of our glorious history!"

There was a cheer from the back, and then all the students clapped enthusiastically, somewhat affected by Xiao Zhang's speech. The old man swept a long glance over the mass of students fondly, smiling genially as he took us in.

"As your homeroom teachers have told you by now," the old man continued after the applause died down. "Right now you were all be subjected to one final test before you become official students of Wu Ling Academy."

So if we failed, we would be forced to drop out? After coming this far? This wasn't fair!

"You are probably aware of this, but like every other martial arts academy in Martial City, we base our measurement on the Star Constitution system. Meaning, we'll be measuring how many Stars your Constitutions have."

There was a murmur in the crowd of students, but Xiao Zhang raised a hand and everyone fell silent immediately.

"Under normal circumstances, an individual with better quality Star Constitutions will possess a better cultivation level. And the quality of your Star Constitutions will determine your perception as well."

"That's not necessarily the case," Teacher Jiao spoke up, interrupting the principal. Wow, but I didn't expect him to be so bold. "Perception is a completely different thing from Star Constitution, so it is possible to have good perception and a low quality Star Constitution, or bad perception even if you have a high quality Star Constitution."

"But such cases are rare."

I noticed that Xiao Zhang didn't refute Teacher Jiao's point.

"Normally, an excellent Star Constitution will promise you a limitless future. Nothing else will matter. If you possess a Four Star Constitution, all these big sects will be willing to snap you up. You will have your pick. But if you only have a One Star Constitution, then most likely none of these sects will be willing to recruit you."

There was an unspoken "you'll be treated like trash" tacked onto the end of his sentence. I frowned at that.

"To put it bluntly, your Star Constitution will determine your future. With a good quality Star Constitution, even without any fateful opportunities, one's achievements will not be far from greatness. However, if you have a poor Star Constitution, no matter how much effort you put in, you'll barely avoid being left behind only if you also possess excellent luck." Xiao Zhang stroked his beard and sighed. "That is the harsh truth of Martial City."

The fuck is this bullshit? Your future was decided by some stupid measuring instrument that claimed to be able to quantify how much potential you had? In a way, I guess, that was exactly what the education system did with grades. Scored bad grades and went to a bad school? Well, regardless of ability, the hiring company would rather employ someone with better grades who had enrolled in a prestigious school. That said, it wasn't always the case, and even those who didn't perform academically could succeed beyond their wildest imaginations. Furthermore, grades were decided by how much you studied and how well you actually performed in examinations, not by some stupid computer measuring your IQ and then deciding that you would have a bleak future and fail even before you took the damned examination!

The logic of these martial artist settings was just astounding.

"Why isn't this part of the entrance examinations?" a student from another class shouted from behind. "Why have all of us take this exam only after we came all the way to the academy? What's going to happen if we get eliminated?"

"Don't worry," Xiao Zhang assured him. "Our rigorous examination system ensures that no one unworthy will pass through to this stage. Even if you're a One-Star Constitution practitioner, you'll be allowed to stay. Just don't…expect to have an easy time, or look forward to a bright future."

So he was already writing us off.

"In any case, the black monument is built into academy grounds. We're not able to move it. If you remember, you're only allowed into the academy if you pass the entrance exams. Outsiders will not be able to make use of the monument to measure their Constitutions."

Now that he mentioned it, I had a faint memory that wasn't from my original timeline that told me the entrance exams were conducted in a different location, far away from the actual academy. That was why they didn't bring the black monument with them.

"So how do we measure our Star Constitutions?" Qi Fu Ren demanded impatiently. Unlike me, he seemed pretty confident, already believing that he would possess unsurpassed talent. I wished I could be as delusional as him.

Xiao Zhang gestured toward the black monument. I wonder if I should call it a Blackstone or in High Gothic, the noctilith. I wondered if it also possessed the power to nullify psychic sorcery and the strength of the warp as well as to amplify the witchery of the warp. If that was the case, I prayed there wasn't an ancient tomb of mechanical undead xenos lying in slumber beneath this world, waiting to awaken and claim the galaxy once more.

"Place your hand on the black monument and focus. The monument will measure your Star Constitution."

"How can we tell what our Star Constitutions are?" Ban Zhang asked curiously.

"By the glow. I'll be here to gauge the brightness of the glow, but for general purposes, the brighter the glow, the higher the quality of your Star Constitution."

That sounded pretty dismal. I could already tell that I wouldn't have a bright future.

The rest of the students stirred, chattering to each other.

"I guess we should just go for it?" Tong Xue whispered to me. I shrugged, not at all eager to test myself. I could already imagine everyone's response when they see my One Star Constitution. No doubt I was destined for a life of ridicule and scorn.

And to make matters worse, I bet everyone else would have a Three or Four Star Constitution or something, which only served to cement their belief of superiority over me. In wuxia novel terms, I would be trash among a sea of talent.

"Oh…I can't wait!"

In contrast to me, Zhu Jiao was rubbing his hands enthusiastically, his eyes shining with expectation.

"I wonder what Constitution I will have!"

"Given that you're the main character (it's a pun on Zhu Jiao's name, because main character is Zhu Jiao in Chinese), I wouldn't be surprised if you get a Five Star Constitution or something."

"Ha ha ha ha…you really think so?" Zhu Jiao was laughing in embarrassment, completely oblivious to my sarcasm and bitterness. I sighed and shrugged.

"Only one way to find out."

As there were hundreds of students and only one monument, the final test took quite a long while. My class was scheduled to be the fourth one, and we patiently awaited our turn as the students of the first three classes stepped forward to have their talent measured.

Before I knew it, time had flown by and the first three classes were done. My class was already lining up in front of the monument, with Xiao Zhang standing beside it and waiting for each of us to step up. He gestured for us to begin. We all looked at each other, suddenly frozen by indecision and nerves.

"…I…I guess I'll go first."

As always, our future class representative, Ban Zhang, was reliable. He swallowed, but determined to be a good example to the rest of class, took the lead and stepped up first. He took a deep breath, then pressed his palm against the smooth surface of the black monolith.

It glowed brightly, a purplish light shimmering around the entire structure. The class gaped at the magnificent view, enamored by the beauty of soft colors swirling around the Blackstone. It was easy to lose oneself just from staring at the comfortable display of qi.

"Three Stars Constitution." Xiao Zhang smiled. "Above average. Not bad, not bad at all. You have a bright future ahead of you, young man."

The relief on Ban Zhang's face was visible. He wiped the perspiration from his face, and then nodded his thanks to the Sage before withdrawing.

From what I saw, none of the students from the first three classes had gotten anything below Two Star Constitutions. Most of them had Three Star Constitutions, and there was a sizeable number of Two Star Constitution candidates, and Xiao Zhang made a huge deal when one or two of them was gauged to have Four Star Constitutions.

Apparently, Xiao Zhang was telling the truth when he said the entrance exams had already weeded out the untalented and the unworthy.

"It isn't so bad, guys."

Everyone watched Ban Zhang in awe as he descended the stage and gave us a thumbs up. Then they began cheering.

"Not bad!"

'Well done!"

"Great job!"

"Ahem." Xiao Zhang cleared his throat, and our cheers died down. He smiled at us patiently. "So who's next?"

"Me! Me!"

Qi Fu Ren barreled his way to the front, knocking over outraged and fearful classmates. But none of them dared to bar his path or protest. Except me and Zhu Jiao, but it was too late. As we helped Tu Zi Yi and a few of the other classmates back up to their feet, Qi Fu Ren had already climbed the stage and was hastily approaching the Blackstone.

"Heh…we have quite the eager young one, don't we?"

Xiao Zhang chuckled indulgently as he watched Qi Fu Ren, his voice devoid of reproach. I suddenly had the feeling that this world was slightly different from my previous timeline. The mentality of that Qi Fu Ren was right, after all. Martial City prized strength over everything else. Thus it didn't matter how he bullied others – might made right, and his abusive actions were justified by his being stronger than everyone else.

I suddenly wished I wasn't reincarnated to this world.

Qi Fu Ren slammed his palm into the monument, probably accidentally using more strength than what was necessary. A split second later, the Blackstone flared up, a silver and white light streaking out of it like a miniature sun.

"Heh! I don't know what this is, but this looks good!"

Remembering what the sage said about brighter being better, Qi Fu Ren looked pretty pleased. At the very least, his glow was brighter than that of Ban Zhang's.

The principal's eyes widened, and he smiled, impressed.

"Amazing! You have a Four Star Constitution! You are one of those rare geniuses…your future certainly is very bright, young man. I'm sure there will be a lot of sects vying for you."

"Hah! I'll only choose the very best!"

Qi Fu Ren looked smug, and he swept his arrogant gaze across the rest of class, as if challenging them. Then he looked at Ban Zhang mockingly, certain of his superiority to our future class representative.

Ban Zhang merely frowned, but didn't say anything.

"Star Constitution doesn't decide everything," Teacher Jiao spoke up. He was folding his arms and watching from a distance, having stood at the back of the class to look after us. "If you don't put in the effort and underestimate your rivals, even those with a lower quality Star Constitution will surpass and defeat you."

"Jiao Shi is right." Despite the lack of disagreement, there was no reproach in the principal's tone. He smiled encouragingly at Qi Fu Ren. "Make sure you work hard, young man."

"Hah! I don't need you to tell me that!"

After that, the class began lining up and getting their Constitutions measured. It seemed that the majority of the class was Three Star Constitution candidates. There were a few Four Star Constitution here and there, but they were pretty rare. Tong Xue came back enthusiastically after being measured at Three Star.

"Oh! I passed! I can't believe it!"

"Good job," I responded and patted his shoulder. "So have you decided which sect you want to join yet?"

"I honestly haven't thought about that," Tong Xue admitted. "I was so worried about how my Star Constitution would be measured that it was all I was thinking about!"

Understandable. As more of our classmates went up the stage, the pressure and fear began to mount upon my shoulders.

There were a few…disappointing ones. Unlike their leader, Hu Shuo and Ba Dao only received Two Star Constitutions. A girl named Tu Zi Yi, as well. Even though she was considered by many to be the third most beautiful girl of our class (based on first impressions by the guys, anyway), with her pretty features and long, silky black hair, the moment she received an average rating, most people tended to…not associate with her.

This was reinforced by the principal's response.

"Two Star Constitution," he announced when seeing the lukewarm glow. He looked at Tu Zi Yi sympathetically. "It's on the average side, and to be honest, you will find it difficult to find a sect willing to accept you…but it's not impossible. Work hard, young lady, and I'm sure you'll be able to get by."

Get by. Not succeed, but just to get by. Wow, this world was pretty brutal. Seeing Tu Zi Yi's gloomy expression, I couldn't help but feel even more worried.

As for the two flunkies, Xiao Zhang didn't even pay much attention to them. He merely shook his head in disappointment and said nothing. But when they descended down the stage, Qi Fu Ren jumped on top of them and threw a hand over each of their shoulders.

"Don't worry, my brothers. If you follow me, I'll promise to make you guys powerful."

"You will, boss?"

"Really, boss?"

"Of course!" Qi Fu Ren slapped their backs. "When have I ever let you down before?"

I hate to admit it, but as much as Qi Fu Ren was a bullying bastard, he really did take care of his underlings who followed him with unquestioning loyalty. To be fair, I didn't know him that well, and what I knew of him, I only heard from Tong Xue. It was also possible that Tong Xue was exaggerating, or that the rumors about him were unfounded. But his rough and arrogant treatment certainly cemented his terrible reputation. Xiao Zhang didn't look like he approved, but he was careful not to offend someone with Four Star Constitution.

"Hah! I have a Four Star Constitution too!"

Tang Qi Hong threw her fist triumphantly into the air after her measurement. The second most beautiful girl in our class looked pretty smug and triumphant, throwing a glance in Bai Ning Xue's direction, as if to say, "What can you do about that?"

Even though Tang Qi Hong was also a striking beauty with long, strawberry blond hair and blazing ruby eyes, she was often overshadowed by the cooler and more composed Bai Ning Xue. She had one-sidedly viewed Bai Ning Xue as her rival, but it was clear that Ning Xue didn't even place her in her eyes. Sometimes I felt sorry for Tang Qi Hong, but her attempts to compete with Ning Xue were…well, let's just say she was just asking to be humiliated and beaten.

Of course, the girls decided to follow their messiah, Ning Xue, and poor Tang Qi Hong was forgotten and left to the side. Anyway, this was something I only found out about later, and not at that time. At this very moment, I had no idea who she was, or why she was acting that way, and I had a somewhat poor impression of her. Not that I was in any position to judge others, especially given her overwhelming talent.

"Impressive. Undoubtedly impressive." The principal of Wu Ling Academy was raining down praises on her, nodding his head in excitement. "You certainly have a great future ahead of you, young lady. Make sure to continue working hard!"

"I will! I will definitely reach the top!"

Tang Qi Hong maintained her fist in the air, her head held up high and proud. Again, she glanced at Bai Ning Xue and smirked, but the latter didn't even seem to notice her. Tang Qi Hong scowled, but she obediently got off the stage.

Qing Xin Xia was next, and she also had a Four Star Constitution. Xiao Zhang was getting increasingly happy at what he thought was a good haul of candidates with excellent potential. There were already quite a few Four Star Constitution candidates, such as Li Chun Long, Feng Tian Yong, and Wu Hei Gui. So four guys and two girls, six Four Star Constitution candidates out of a class of forty people.

"Given how you normally would only have one Four Star Constitution candidate out of a hundred, a fraction like this is already amazing…"

Xiao Zhang was shaking his head in disbelief, a silly grin spreading over his usually wise-looking face. He could hardly contain his joy.

"This really is an excellent batch of candidates, Jiao Shi!"

Jiao Shi merely grunted and looked away in annoyance. It was clear that he still didn't approve of this farce.

"There's still three of you…"

Xiao Zhang turned expectantly to me, Zhu Jiao and Bai Ning Xue. I glanced at the other two, not sure if I wanted to go. Zhu Jiao also hesitated. While the two of us guys were being indecisive, Bai Ning Xue wasted no time and moved forward. Zhu Jiao and I sighed, somewhat in relief, as Bai Ning Xue climbed the stage.

"Oho…this young lady…"

Xiao Zhang noticed that there was something different about Bai Ning Xue and stroked his beard, fascinated. Tang Qi Hong sulked and clenched her fists, probably secretly praying that Bai Ning Xue crashed and burned so that she could take her spot as the number one princess. The rest of the class murmured excitedly in a low voice as they watched the First Princess of Class 1-4 approach the monument and wordlessly place her hand on the Blackstone.

The moment her palm made contact, the Blackstone immediately flashed blindingly. A pillar of golden light blasted toward upward, disintegrating clouds and cracking the heavens apart with immense force. Lightning roared as the massive pillar of light expanded to envelope Bai Ning Xue within its luminous embrace.

"This…this is…!"

Xiao Zhang's jaw dropped and he stared in total disbelief.

Even Teacher Jiao had dropped all pretense of nonchalance and was staring at the spectacle in awe. In the distance, the elders of the other sects were in an uproar, yelling and shouting toward each other in delight and disbelief.

"What's…what's going on?!" Tang Qi Hong demanded, her eyes round. Even Qi Fu Ren was frozen in silence, his mouth hanging open like a goldfish's. I would have made fun of him, but I was pretty sure I had the exact same expression as him right now.

"F…Five Star Constitution…"

Xiao Zhang finally spoke up, forcing the words out of his throat.

"Incredible…I don't believe it. This young lady is unprecedented genius. Even in the millennia of cultivation, the number of those cultivators with Five Star Constitutions is less than ten! How in the nine heavens were we able to…?!"

Bai Ning Xue merely removed her hand from the Blackstone and glanced at the stunned principal of Wu Ling Academy.

"Five Star Constitution. I see."

With that simple sentence, she descended the stage.

"W…wait! You will be in high demand, you know that? Your future…your future is limitless! Every sect will kill each other trying to recruit you! Do you know how much significance this have?"

While Xiao Zhang rambled on, the class had fallen into silence. Tang Qi Hong looked like she was about to faint. Qi Fu Ren looked overawed and bitter, not because he was jealous, but because it would be difficult for him to impress Bai Ning Xue and woo her. Everyone else was just too shocked to be able to absorb what had just happened.

It wasn't just our class. The entire cohort of hundreds of students behind Class 1-4 had also fallen into stunned silence. The teachers as well – not only Teacher Jiao, but every single teacher present were rubbing their eyes, unable to believe what they had just witnessed.

"I will choose which sect I will join," Bai Ning Xue replied simply, and that was it. Still shaking his head, unable to digest the fact that an unprecedented genius in history had just appeared in front of him, Xiao Zhang turned to me and Zhu Jiao.

"Go ahead."

Zhu Jiao nudged me forward. I frowned, but I didn't object. Even though I would prefer to have gone last, there was some sense in getting over this as quickly as possible. I had made a mistake. I should have gone before Bai Ning Xue. Right now, her Five Star Constitution had overshadowed everyone else's status. It would be a tough act to follow.

Not that I wanted to follow, but I was pretty sure that anyone after Bai Ning Xue would seem pretty lackluster. Even on the miniscule chance that I somehow managed to possess a Four Star Constitution. Given the laws of average, I suppose I would fall somewhere between the range of Two Star Constitution and Three Star Constitution. Perhaps I could follow Tu Zi Yi and join the same sect as her when I received a Two Star Constitution rating.

Yeah, yeah. I had low self-esteem. But that came from commenters on a certain writing website who always called me trash and utterly destroyed my self-confidence and self-belief. This was why cyber-bullying was such a serious issue. It wasn't as simple as toughening up and ignoring insults. If you received abuse and people condescendingly telling you that you were useless trash, that your writing is horrible, and that you should get off the site everyday, eventually you would normalize those insults and come to believe it, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you should be tough and you should ignore those abuses.

Taking a deep breath, I climbed the stage, suddenly aware of everyone's gaze upon me. Especially Qi Fu Ren, who was mocking me even though we had never met before. He probably knew there was a slim chance of me being on par with him, and was looking forward to looking down on me. To be fair, he was already doing that to Ban Zhang and all the other classmates who were ranked lower than him, so it was not as if he was singling me out in particular. And then there were those other students who wondered if I would turn out to be another Bai Ning Xue. Not a chance in hell. But I didn't blame them. If I were down there with them, I would be wondering if the person – such as Zhu Jiao – would pull a second miracle.

"Place your hand on the monument," Xiao Zhang instructed. I nodded and then reached out with my hand.

The Blackstone felt smooth and cool to the touch. At first, there was nothing. Then a very weak glow emanated from it, so weak that it was almost invisible in the sunlight. My classmates craned their necks, as if expecting something, but frowned when they saw nothing. I didn't blame them. From their distance, they probably wouldn't be able to see the soft, black glow that extended a few millimeters away from the cold Blackstone.

I gulped. This was clearly not good at all.

"One Star Constitution."

The declaration from Xiao Zhang was damning and vindicative. I withdrew my hand and hung my head before shuffling off the stage.

"You're…trash." Xiao Zhang shook his head in disappointment, ridicule curling up in his tone. "Not fit to be a cultivator at all. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that there will be no sect that will accept you as a disciple."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I grumbled angrily. "Quit the academy and return home?"

"I'm sure you're already aware that unless you've reached a certain level in cultivation, you won't be able to leave the academy grounds." Unlike the tone he had taken with others, the Sage of Wu Ling sounded cold and almost cruel. "It is a pity, but until you learn how to jump over the wall and walk on water, you'll be doomed to stay in the academy for the rest of your life."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I knew it! Fei Wu is just trash, like his name states (Trash in Chinese is also written as Fei Wu)!"

Qi Fu Ren burst out laughing, and his two cronies joined in, despite them not being that much better than me. Evidently he had heard my name when I was talking to Tong Xue and the others, and thought this whole thing was funny. I glared in his direction, but there was absolutely nothing I could say. While I didn't buy this whole stupid system of quantifying one's talent or might makes right principle, right now I had no choice but to abide by the rules and culture of Martial Academy.

"What are you waiting for?" Xiao Zhang's voice was dripping with ridicule as he glared at me when I stopped to stare defiantly in Qi Fu Ren's direction. "Hurry up and get off the stage, you trash."