Chapter 112
If audio player doesn't work, press Stop then Play button again
-.
-.
While Alephis was situated more or less directly north of Reflet, the mouth of the Great River Gao was directly to the east of that little town, somewhat like the hypotenuse of a right angle triangle. We wouldn't be passing by Reflet again on the way there.
It wasn't like we could use [Boom Tube] to get there anyway. Going from Reflet to somewhere near the the Old Capital of Belfast was possible due to being able to triangulate off Alephis, the New Capital. Anything beyond that would drop us somewhere in the middle of a forest or something, which was obviously sub-optimal for plonking down horse-drawn carriages.
Accurate mapmaking was not yet a technology known to this world, and even Monika's weird magic GPS lacked any real accuracy beyond our personal sensing range.
Ten days on the road was unavoidable. However that didn't mean we couldn't make that journey somewhat less painful.
There were two carriages. The first one contained Yumina, Olga Strand, and Leon Blitz. The second one had us – Elze, Linze, Yae, and Arma – set up more as a leisure car. Arma and Yae were playing cards down on the floor.
I had commissioned a custom set of Hanafuda cards, but it turned out that Yae despite coming from a very Japanese-like culture, they didn't have that game. Then I remembered that cards were introduced by the Portuguese to Japan in 1549, leading to an outbreak of card games and gambling and Japan banned foreign playing cards in 1633. Hanafuda evolved from that insular image-based decks as one that could be played by the populace with limited use for gambling.
Arma was fascinated by the brilliantly-colored cards, and so instead of the formal rules she was given to play a much simpler card-matching game.
The objective was to collect all four cards of a Hanafuda suite. (1) First the dealer places sixteen cards face-down. Then four cards are given to each player.
A player then flips up a card, and takes it. They then put down a card in the empty spot and flip up another card. If that other card is from the same suite as the previous card or the one they put down, they can take the matching cards. If the four cards of a suite are matched, they are put aside. If it isn't, then all cards are set face-down again. Then the turn passes to the other player.
If someone's hand or the center area is empty of cards, the dealer will lay down more cards from the remainder.
Yae and Arma were sitting on the carriage floor playing the card game. Yae picked up a card, showing star-shaped maple leaves in red, yellow and gray on a white background as if floating on water, and then flipped up another card. Cherry blossoms. Similar color scheme, similar shape, but different suites. She stared blankly at the non-matching card and sighed.
On a normal carriage, it would have been visible how the cards would shift around as the carriage trundled on bumpy unpaved road. But here, the cards barely even twitched.
"Okay. Playa, I've put up with a lot of your shite. But these… "air suspension" magic tool thingies that you can make are pretty dang good!" Elze bounced in her seat.
The seat cushions were just regular cotton padding. But beneath the carriage, small focused air jets pushed against the ground to keep the carriage level actually half an inch over the ground. Ground traction was maintained because the wheels were wrapped in heavy canvas, a precursor to rubberized tires.
She pointed at me. "These are much more respectable things to get famous for, make your name with these instead!"
I crossed my arms and retorted "I refuse!"
While it would nice to be a manufacturing magnate, magic air suspension had several disadvantages over actual gas-bag air suspension. I couldn't mass-produce them, they kicked up lots of dust, and was somewhat noisy. Becoming this other world's Samsung would take a little more time than being this other world's Jollibee Foods Corporation.
"Though I accept the thanks on behalf of your bubble butt."
"Who are you calling a bubble butt!"
Arma looked up from the game on the carriage floor. "What's a bubble butt?"
Elze eeped in surprise, her eyes widening in dismay. She slapped her palms over my mouth. "W-watch your words! There are children present!"
"A bubble butt is a butt so phat, it's round like a soap bubble and just as bouncy."
"Ooh. Fat!" the little fox egirl nodded sagely. She squinted suspiciously towards Elze.
"YOU STUPIDHEAAAD!" Elze immediately jammed her thumbs her into my mouth and pinched my cheeks. "STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCEENT!"
"Nygahahaha…"
/"It's quite the obvious lie, anyway,"/ said Monika. /"Elze's glutes are nice and firm because she exercises. If anyone here has a bubble butt, it would be…"/
Linze, who lounging sitting on the opposite carriage seat by the corner, reading a book of Shakepeare's plays that we printed out, blushed and tried to hide her face behind the book.
Monika then pointed at me. /"This lazy ass over here!"/
"That is fair," I nodded.
"Are butts really that interesting, Mister Clown?" Arma asked again. She put down a card and picked up a card. "Ha! Got it!"
"Well done, Arma-chan!" Yae said excitedly. A swordswoman should not have such horrible short-term memory for patterns. Her own struggle was to allow the little girl to win and be happy without making it obvious that she was throwing the game.
I shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe? You know how they say… heroes are bad ass. They kick ass. Some people are just assho-"
"Get out." Elze pointed to a blank wall of the carriage and the pinprick of light there.
/"… Yes, you're kinda being too annoying right now, Player. Are you bored? Maybe you need some higher level amusements."/
"All right. All right. I'll bum around somewhere else."
The small pinprick of light expanded out into a [Boom Tube] tunnel linking the two carriages together. On the other side, Olga and Leon looked up away from the chessboard.
"Playas get out!" Elze hissed through clenched teeth as she hauled me up by my collar and pushed me into the hole. "Reeeeeeh…!"
"Bye bye, Mister Clown!"
-.
-.
Unlike Carriage #2, the lead carriage had its curtains drawn and was lit only by a magic crystal light. It had a much more somber, grownup atmosphere.
I got up, coughed into my fist and stared at these bunch of normies. "Sorry for ruining your game. So, who was winning?"
The two stared down at the pieces scattered by my ramming headfirst onto the board, then up they chanced to meet each other's eyes. They both quickly looked away.
"S-sir Leon had the advantage. It's no matter, I was losing anyway."
"No, that's not true! We were already tied, one-one, and Miss Strand won the game before. It could still have gone either way…"
Ooh? That was an interesting reaction. I glanced towards Yumina, and raised my eyebrow. Her response was smug little smile.
I see. This carriage was a shipping container.
I eased onto the seat besides Yumina and said to him "Mmm. Do you know why you are tasked with Miss Olgra Strand's safety over literally anything else? In this delegation, none but you among all the other guards even known that Yumina is the Crown Princess. Protecting her is more important than even your basic duty to the crown."
Leon's gaze flicked to the side, and Olga was pointedly avoiding looking at him and hiding her own blush.
"I… I surely do not know, sir!"
Yumina ventured "Um, does it have anything to do with how I'm already more than adequately protected? I don't meant to disparage the Royal Knights, but… they're not quite Red Rank Adventurers."
"Yumina, do you know why we're taking this long route to Mismede? We could [Boom Tube] there in a couple of days instead of ten days, if I were allowed to range ahead – but instead we're taking this slow obvious route with only a minimal level of escort. We're spending so much time when when Regulus could attack at any time."
The princess put a hand to her chin. "I'm… not sure. It feels a bit heartless to say… we're being offered as bait?" Yet she didn't seem to mind if even her own father was willing to risk her life that way, because that was part of the responsibilities of a ruler. Frankly, from being pampered all her life, sharing some of the danger was the least she felt she could do for the people that fought for her sake.
"Something like that. But more basic. Yumina, may I see the transcriptions of their game?"
Yumina handed over the sheets of paper. Leon Blitz nodded fervently.
"May I just say it's very interesting how an entire game of chess could be recorded and replayed with such simple notation! I haven't heard of any other game that allows this, truly chess it is worth being called the King's Game!"
I hmm'ed again. "Leon, what is the objective in chess?"
"The objective in chess is to… to capture the enemy's king!"
Olga looked up sharply, suddenly alarmed for reasons.
I nodded. "Yes. Not to capture pieces. Not to defend your own King from capture. It doesn't matter if the board is clear or not, checkmate is to prevent your opponent from making any movement that could allow their King to escape capture. So why is this important? Why can't the other pieces just keep fighting on their own?"
I could see the honest young knight hold himself back from saying the obvious 'Because… those are the rules… of the game…?' and tried to think of a more acceptable reason.
"Because… if the King is captured, then no one can tie together all the different forces to fight," said Olga. "Nobles and tribes would surrender or betray the rest for their own advantage if they have no reason to remain united."
I beamed. "Exactly. That's the sort of realism that only someone who lives with having to make sure different tribes act as one can comprehend.
"Despite what people may think, chess doesn't actually teach you anything about tactics or strategy. All it does is expose your habits, your personality. Do you seek to exchange pieces swiftly to clear the board and leave the endgame to maneuver? Do you seek to cramp the board and protect as many pieces as possible? Do you favor the straightforward opening or do you prefer attacking from the side? Chess is no substitute for war."
"Then… what is the point, Sir Zah? Do you have a more realistic way to simulate war?"
WARHAMMER TOTAL WAR YES I WANT TO PLAY TABLETOP WITH SOMEONE. I coughed and looked away. "These ten days were given to us so that we can better prepare to have these two very different kingdoms act as one. Leon, your father has sent you out to learn about strategy instead of just battle tactics. Miss Strand, so that you can understand that Mismede has leverage over Belfast in this alliance.
"But what both kingdoms lack is a means to prevent betrayal. A carrot and a stick, one might say."
Yumina's eyes glittered. "So do you have a means to ensure both sides don't betray each other? I am sure there are still hard feelings from certain elements on both sides."
Yumina was keenly familiar with how a political marriage had long been the way to permanently fix an alliance. The King of Mismede lacked children of marriageable age however – his eldest was a princess of ten years, and the first prince was just nine years old and the second prince was just six. Mismede would never allow Belfast a reason to press an inheritance claim to crown of the Mismede, so since Sue was a member of the Royal Family she was not a contender there either.
While Leon Blitz was the son of General Lyon Blitz, commander of the Royal Army… Olga Strand was the daughter of Olba Strand, just a particularly successful merchant from Mismede.
I grinned. "Yumina, you are the carrot. I am the stick. And we have these ten days to think up a way to fix geopolitics using only soldiers without borders."
-.
-.
I growled with a faintly Scottish brogue "Ogres are like onions."
I pitched my voice up like a brother from the hood "They stink?"
"Yes. No!"
"They make you cry?"
"No. Yes… but no!"
"Oh so you leave them out in the sum and they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs-"
I groaned and slapped my face, and then shoved an empty hand out. "No. Layers. Onions have layers. *Ogres* have layers. You get it? We both have *layers*."
"Oooh. You both have layers." Then added somewhat sadly "Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions."
I made some sort of frustrated blubbering snorting noise.
"CAKE! How about cake! Everybody loves cake! Cake have layers!" (2)
It was night and we were camped out beside the road. With Earth magic we raised some stone slabs to use as benches and later so people could sleep more comfortably off the ground. The girls could sleep inside the carriage. Around the fires as we ate dinner, over several nights we shared stories.
Arma clapped happily as the retelling of the story of SHREK came to a close. Yumina smiled as well. The tale of Shrek and Fiona was about socially inappropriate love and marriage, and despite it being about a princess like she was… she looked shiftily towards Lyon and Olga. The two were seated far apart and were pointedly avoiding looking at each other.
"An interesting tale, milord," Leon said as we relaxed to the night watch. "Lord Faarquad needing to marry a Princess to become a King… it sounds uncomfortably close to what Her Highness had to suffer." He looked vaguely uncomfortable with the ending. "But Princess Fiona, to turn into an ogre at the end…"
"Don't read too much into it. It's just a story. A princess choosing to become a commoner is just as feasible as any commoner becoming a princess or a queen by marriage. In the end people are just people, no matter our station we all bleed and hunger for love and understanding the same way." Besides, if I were to take the role of Shrek, who would be Donkey?
Probably Elze. Yes definitely Elze.
"I see. Thank you for those wise words, milord."
("Why do I feel the sudden urge to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE?" Elze muttered from inside the carriage as they were setting up to sleep.
("Sis, you feel that urge ALL THE TIME," Linze said softly as she slid into the blanket.)
"Sir Zah… I would just like to ask… I mean no offense, but… how do you do it?"
"Mm?" Do what?
"How do you… make people laugh?" Leon asked. "I mean, how do I become as confident as you, that you can look so silly and no one minds it as long as people are happy? Would it help to take lessons from thespians and bards?"
I blinked. "Dude. Are you… are you actually afraid that you're boring?"
Lyon Blitz, nice rich handsome blond noble knight guy blushed and fidgeted in his seat. His father was boisterous and unrestrained, so it was somewhat strange that his son would be so proper and dignified. He was afraid of looking silly while at the same time wishing he could be so free with his emotions to be able to act on them. He was like perfect husbando material and yet had the gall to still feel inadequate about wooing a woman.
Riajuu go burn.
I looked around and saw how the Belfast and Mismede guards were not mingling. Whereas the Belfast Knight Order guards were wearing half-plate, the Misemede guards were wearing more mobile padded jacks and some ring mail. Through some unspoken agreement they each defended half of the camp.
One of the beastkin guards suddenly flicked his long rabbit ears up and made a bird-like whistling sound. Instantly all the other Mismede guards went on alert, but didn't sit up to make it obvious that they had detected something.
Lyon noticed it instantly, he was about to stand up and then sat back down. "What does that mean? An ambush? We should-"
"Ooh? How interesting." I opened my palm out, and a minimap floated on top of my hand. At least twenty red dots surrounded our camp. "Night battle, eh? Someone's being… competent."
I grinned and closed my hand into a fist.
Arrows shot out from the darkness and punched through the wood of the carriages.
-.
-.
(1) https://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/hanafuda/rule_e.html
(2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r7NAS8NlBM
Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
-.
-.
While Alephis was situated more or less directly north of Reflet, the mouth of the Great River Gao was directly to the east of that little town, somewhat like the hypotenuse of a right angle triangle. We wouldn't be passing by Reflet again on the way there.
It wasn't like we could use [Boom Tube] to get there anyway. Going from Reflet to somewhere near the the Old Capital of Belfast was possible due to being able to triangulate off Alephis, the New Capital. Anything beyond that would drop us somewhere in the middle of a forest or something, which was obviously sub-optimal for plonking down horse-drawn carriages.
Accurate mapmaking was not yet a technology known to this world, and even Monika's weird magic GPS lacked any real accuracy beyond our personal sensing range.
Ten days on the road was unavoidable. However that didn't mean we couldn't make that journey somewhat less painful.
There were two carriages. The first one contained Yumina, Olga Strand, and Leon Blitz. The second one had us – Elze, Linze, Yae, and Arma – set up more as a leisure car. Arma and Yae were playing cards down on the floor.
I had commissioned a custom set of Hanafuda cards, but it turned out that Yae despite coming from a very Japanese-like culture, they didn't have that game. Then I remembered that cards were introduced by the Portuguese to Japan in 1549, leading to an outbreak of card games and gambling and Japan banned foreign playing cards in 1633. Hanafuda evolved from that insular image-based decks as one that could be played by the populace with limited use for gambling.
Arma was fascinated by the brilliantly-colored cards, and so instead of the formal rules she was given to play a much simpler card-matching game.
The objective was to collect all four cards of a Hanafuda suite. (1) First the dealer places sixteen cards face-down. Then four cards are given to each player.
A player then flips up a card, and takes it. They then put down a card in the empty spot and flip up another card. If that other card is from the same suite as the previous card or the one they put down, they can take the matching cards. If the four cards of a suite are matched, they are put aside. If it isn't, then all cards are set face-down again. Then the turn passes to the other player.
If someone's hand or the center area is empty of cards, the dealer will lay down more cards from the remainder.
Yae and Arma were sitting on the carriage floor playing the card game. Yae picked up a card, showing star-shaped maple leaves in red, yellow and gray on a white background as if floating on water, and then flipped up another card. Cherry blossoms. Similar color scheme, similar shape, but different suites. She stared blankly at the non-matching card and sighed.
On a normal carriage, it would have been visible how the cards would shift around as the carriage trundled on bumpy unpaved road. But here, the cards barely even twitched.
"Okay. Playa, I've put up with a lot of your shite. But these… "air suspension" magic tool thingies that you can make are pretty dang good!" Elze bounced in her seat.
The seat cushions were just regular cotton padding. But beneath the carriage, small focused air jets pushed against the ground to keep the carriage level actually half an inch over the ground. Ground traction was maintained because the wheels were wrapped in heavy canvas, a precursor to rubberized tires.
She pointed at me. "These are much more respectable things to get famous for, make your name with these instead!"
I crossed my arms and retorted "I refuse!"
While it would nice to be a manufacturing magnate, magic air suspension had several disadvantages over actual gas-bag air suspension. I couldn't mass-produce them, they kicked up lots of dust, and was somewhat noisy. Becoming this other world's Samsung would take a little more time than being this other world's Jollibee Foods Corporation.
"Though I accept the thanks on behalf of your bubble butt."
"Who are you calling a bubble butt!"
Arma looked up from the game on the carriage floor. "What's a bubble butt?"
Elze eeped in surprise, her eyes widening in dismay. She slapped her palms over my mouth. "W-watch your words! There are children present!"
"A bubble butt is a butt so phat, it's round like a soap bubble and just as bouncy."
"Ooh. Fat!" the little fox egirl nodded sagely. She squinted suspiciously towards Elze.
"YOU STUPIDHEAAAD!" Elze immediately jammed her thumbs her into my mouth and pinched my cheeks. "STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCEENT!"
"Nygahahaha…"
/"It's quite the obvious lie, anyway,"/ said Monika. /"Elze's glutes are nice and firm because she exercises. If anyone here has a bubble butt, it would be…"/
Linze, who lounging sitting on the opposite carriage seat by the corner, reading a book of Shakepeare's plays that we printed out, blushed and tried to hide her face behind the book.
Monika then pointed at me. /"This lazy ass over here!"/
"That is fair," I nodded.
"Are butts really that interesting, Mister Clown?" Arma asked again. She put down a card and picked up a card. "Ha! Got it!"
"Well done, Arma-chan!" Yae said excitedly. A swordswoman should not have such horrible short-term memory for patterns. Her own struggle was to allow the little girl to win and be happy without making it obvious that she was throwing the game.
I shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe? You know how they say… heroes are bad ass. They kick ass. Some people are just assho-"
"Get out." Elze pointed to a blank wall of the carriage and the pinprick of light there.
/"… Yes, you're kinda being too annoying right now, Player. Are you bored? Maybe you need some higher level amusements."/
"All right. All right. I'll bum around somewhere else."
The small pinprick of light expanded out into a [Boom Tube] tunnel linking the two carriages together. On the other side, Olga and Leon looked up away from the chessboard.
"Playas get out!" Elze hissed through clenched teeth as she hauled me up by my collar and pushed me into the hole. "Reeeeeeh…!"
"Bye bye, Mister Clown!"
-.
-.
Unlike Carriage #2, the lead carriage had its curtains drawn and was lit only by a magic crystal light. It had a much more somber, grownup atmosphere.
I got up, coughed into my fist and stared at these bunch of normies. "Sorry for ruining your game. So, who was winning?"
The two stared down at the pieces scattered by my ramming headfirst onto the board, then up they chanced to meet each other's eyes. They both quickly looked away.
"S-sir Leon had the advantage. It's no matter, I was losing anyway."
"No, that's not true! We were already tied, one-one, and Miss Strand won the game before. It could still have gone either way…"
Ooh? That was an interesting reaction. I glanced towards Yumina, and raised my eyebrow. Her response was smug little smile.
I see. This carriage was a shipping container.
I eased onto the seat besides Yumina and said to him "Mmm. Do you know why you are tasked with Miss Olgra Strand's safety over literally anything else? In this delegation, none but you among all the other guards even known that Yumina is the Crown Princess. Protecting her is more important than even your basic duty to the crown."
Leon's gaze flicked to the side, and Olga was pointedly avoiding looking at him and hiding her own blush.
"I… I surely do not know, sir!"
Yumina ventured "Um, does it have anything to do with how I'm already more than adequately protected? I don't meant to disparage the Royal Knights, but… they're not quite Red Rank Adventurers."
"Yumina, do you know why we're taking this long route to Mismede? We could [Boom Tube] there in a couple of days instead of ten days, if I were allowed to range ahead – but instead we're taking this slow obvious route with only a minimal level of escort. We're spending so much time when when Regulus could attack at any time."
The princess put a hand to her chin. "I'm… not sure. It feels a bit heartless to say… we're being offered as bait?" Yet she didn't seem to mind if even her own father was willing to risk her life that way, because that was part of the responsibilities of a ruler. Frankly, from being pampered all her life, sharing some of the danger was the least she felt she could do for the people that fought for her sake.
"Something like that. But more basic. Yumina, may I see the transcriptions of their game?"
Yumina handed over the sheets of paper. Leon Blitz nodded fervently.
"May I just say it's very interesting how an entire game of chess could be recorded and replayed with such simple notation! I haven't heard of any other game that allows this, truly chess it is worth being called the King's Game!"
I hmm'ed again. "Leon, what is the objective in chess?"
"The objective in chess is to… to capture the enemy's king!"
Olga looked up sharply, suddenly alarmed for reasons.
I nodded. "Yes. Not to capture pieces. Not to defend your own King from capture. It doesn't matter if the board is clear or not, checkmate is to prevent your opponent from making any movement that could allow their King to escape capture. So why is this important? Why can't the other pieces just keep fighting on their own?"
I could see the honest young knight hold himself back from saying the obvious 'Because… those are the rules… of the game…?' and tried to think of a more acceptable reason.
"Because… if the King is captured, then no one can tie together all the different forces to fight," said Olga. "Nobles and tribes would surrender or betray the rest for their own advantage if they have no reason to remain united."
I beamed. "Exactly. That's the sort of realism that only someone who lives with having to make sure different tribes act as one can comprehend.
"Despite what people may think, chess doesn't actually teach you anything about tactics or strategy. All it does is expose your habits, your personality. Do you seek to exchange pieces swiftly to clear the board and leave the endgame to maneuver? Do you seek to cramp the board and protect as many pieces as possible? Do you favor the straightforward opening or do you prefer attacking from the side? Chess is no substitute for war."
"Then… what is the point, Sir Zah? Do you have a more realistic way to simulate war?"
WARHAMMER TOTAL WAR YES I WANT TO PLAY TABLETOP WITH SOMEONE. I coughed and looked away. "These ten days were given to us so that we can better prepare to have these two very different kingdoms act as one. Leon, your father has sent you out to learn about strategy instead of just battle tactics. Miss Strand, so that you can understand that Mismede has leverage over Belfast in this alliance.
"But what both kingdoms lack is a means to prevent betrayal. A carrot and a stick, one might say."
Yumina's eyes glittered. "So do you have a means to ensure both sides don't betray each other? I am sure there are still hard feelings from certain elements on both sides."
Yumina was keenly familiar with how a political marriage had long been the way to permanently fix an alliance. The King of Mismede lacked children of marriageable age however – his eldest was a princess of ten years, and the first prince was just nine years old and the second prince was just six. Mismede would never allow Belfast a reason to press an inheritance claim to crown of the Mismede, so since Sue was a member of the Royal Family she was not a contender there either.
While Leon Blitz was the son of General Lyon Blitz, commander of the Royal Army… Olga Strand was the daughter of Olba Strand, just a particularly successful merchant from Mismede.
I grinned. "Yumina, you are the carrot. I am the stick. And we have these ten days to think up a way to fix geopolitics using only soldiers without borders."
-.
-.
I growled with a faintly Scottish brogue "Ogres are like onions."
I pitched my voice up like a brother from the hood "They stink?"
"Yes. No!"
"They make you cry?"
"No. Yes… but no!"
"Oh so you leave them out in the sum and they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs-"
I groaned and slapped my face, and then shoved an empty hand out. "No. Layers. Onions have layers. *Ogres* have layers. You get it? We both have *layers*."
"Oooh. You both have layers." Then added somewhat sadly "Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions."
I made some sort of frustrated blubbering snorting noise.
"CAKE! How about cake! Everybody loves cake! Cake have layers!" (2)
It was night and we were camped out beside the road. With Earth magic we raised some stone slabs to use as benches and later so people could sleep more comfortably off the ground. The girls could sleep inside the carriage. Around the fires as we ate dinner, over several nights we shared stories.
Arma clapped happily as the retelling of the story of SHREK came to a close. Yumina smiled as well. The tale of Shrek and Fiona was about socially inappropriate love and marriage, and despite it being about a princess like she was… she looked shiftily towards Lyon and Olga. The two were seated far apart and were pointedly avoiding looking at each other.
"An interesting tale, milord," Leon said as we relaxed to the night watch. "Lord Faarquad needing to marry a Princess to become a King… it sounds uncomfortably close to what Her Highness had to suffer." He looked vaguely uncomfortable with the ending. "But Princess Fiona, to turn into an ogre at the end…"
"Don't read too much into it. It's just a story. A princess choosing to become a commoner is just as feasible as any commoner becoming a princess or a queen by marriage. In the end people are just people, no matter our station we all bleed and hunger for love and understanding the same way." Besides, if I were to take the role of Shrek, who would be Donkey?
Probably Elze. Yes definitely Elze.
"I see. Thank you for those wise words, milord."
("Why do I feel the sudden urge to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE?" Elze muttered from inside the carriage as they were setting up to sleep.
("Sis, you feel that urge ALL THE TIME," Linze said softly as she slid into the blanket.)
"Sir Zah… I would just like to ask… I mean no offense, but… how do you do it?"
"Mm?" Do what?
"How do you… make people laugh?" Leon asked. "I mean, how do I become as confident as you, that you can look so silly and no one minds it as long as people are happy? Would it help to take lessons from thespians and bards?"
I blinked. "Dude. Are you… are you actually afraid that you're boring?"
Lyon Blitz, nice rich handsome blond noble knight guy blushed and fidgeted in his seat. His father was boisterous and unrestrained, so it was somewhat strange that his son would be so proper and dignified. He was afraid of looking silly while at the same time wishing he could be so free with his emotions to be able to act on them. He was like perfect husbando material and yet had the gall to still feel inadequate about wooing a woman.
Riajuu go burn.
I looked around and saw how the Belfast and Mismede guards were not mingling. Whereas the Belfast Knight Order guards were wearing half-plate, the Misemede guards were wearing more mobile padded jacks and some ring mail. Through some unspoken agreement they each defended half of the camp.
One of the beastkin guards suddenly flicked his long rabbit ears up and made a bird-like whistling sound. Instantly all the other Mismede guards went on alert, but didn't sit up to make it obvious that they had detected something.
Lyon noticed it instantly, he was about to stand up and then sat back down. "What does that mean? An ambush? We should-"
"Ooh? How interesting." I opened my palm out, and a minimap floated on top of my hand. At least twenty red dots surrounded our camp. "Night battle, eh? Someone's being… competent."
I grinned and closed my hand into a fist.
Arrows shot out from the darkness and punched through the wood of the carriages.
-.
-.
(1) https://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/hanafuda/rule_e.html
(2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r7NAS8NlBM
-.-.While Alephis was situated more or less directly north of Reflet, the mouth of the Great River Gao was directly to the east of that little town, somewhat like the hypotenuse of a right angle triangle. We wouldn't be passing by Reflet again on the way there.It wasn't like we could use Boom Tube to get there anyway. Going from Reflet to somewhere near the the Old Capital of Belfast was possible due to being able to triangulate off Alephis, the New Capital. Anything beyond that would drop us somewhere in the middle of a forest or something, which was obviously sub-optimal for plonking down horse-drawn carriages.Accurate mapmaking was not yet a technology known to this world, and even Monika's weird magic GPS lacked any real accuracy beyond our personal sensing range.Ten days on the road was unavoidable. However that didn't mean we couldn't make that journey somewhat less painful.There were two carriages. The first one contained Yumina, Olga Strand, and Leon Blitz. The second one had us Elze, Linze, Yae, and Arma set up more as a leisure car. Arma and Yae were playing cards down on the floor.I had commissioned a custom set of Hanafuda cards, but it turned out that Yae despite coming from a very Japanese-like culture, they didn't have that game. Then I remembered that cards were introduced by the Portuguese to Japan in 1549, leading to an outbreak of card games and gambling and Japan banned foreign playing cards in 1633. Hanafuda evolved from that insular image-based decks as one that could be played by the populace with limited use for gambling.Arma was fascinated by the brilliantly-colored cards, and so instead of the formal rules she was given to play a much simpler card-matching game.The objective was to collect all four cards of a Hanafuda suite. 1 First the dealer places sixteen cards face-down. Then four cards are given to each player.A player then flips up a card, and takes it. They then put down a card in the empty spot and flip up another card. If that other card is from the same suite as the previous card or the one they put down, they can take the matching cards. If the four cards of a suite are matched, they are put aside. If it isn't, then all cards are set face-down again. Then the turn passes to the other player.If someone's hand or the center area is empty of cards, the dealer will lay down more cards from the remainder.Yae and Arma were sitting on the carriage floor playing the card game. Yae picked up a card, showing star-shaped maple leaves in red, yellow and gray on a white background as if floating on water, and then flipped up another card. Cherry blossoms. Similar color scheme, similar shape, but different suites. She stared blankly at the non-matching card and sighed.On a normal carriage, it would have been visible how the cards would shift around as the carriage trundled on bumpy unpaved road. But here, the cards barely even twitched."Okay. Playa, I've put up with a lot of your shite. But these "air suspension" magic tool thingies that you can make are pretty dang good!" Elze bounced in her seat.The seat cushions were just regular cotton padding. But beneath the carriage, small focused air jets pushed against the ground to keep the carriage level actually half an inch over the ground. Ground traction was maintained because the wheels were wrapped in heavy canvas, a precursor to rubberized tires.She pointed at me. "These are much more respectable things to get famous for, make your name with these instead!"I crossed my arms and retorted "I refuse!"While it would nice to be a manufacturing magnate, magic air suspension had several disadvantages over actual gas-bag air suspension. I couldn't mass-produce them, they kicked up lots of dust, and was somewhat noisy. Becoming this other world's Samsung would take a little more time than being this other world's Jollibee Foods Corporation."Though I accept the thanks on behalf of your bubble butt.""Who are you calling a bubble butt!"Arma looked up from the game on the carriage floor. "What's a bubble butt?"Elze eeped in surprise, her eyes widening in dismay. She slapped her palms over my mouth. "W-watch your words! There are children present!""A bubble butt is a butt so phat, it's round like a soap bubble and just as bouncy.""Ooh. Fat!" the little fox egirl nodded sagely. She squinted suspiciously towards Elze."YOU STUPIDHEAAAD!" Elze immediately jammed her thumbs her into my mouth and pinched my cheeks. "STOP CORRUPTING THE INNOCEENT!""Nygahahaha"/"It's quite the obvious lie, anyway,"/ said Monika. /"Elze's glutes are nice and firm because she exercises. If anyone here has a bubble butt, it would be"/Linze, who lounging sitting on the opposite carriage seat by the corner, reading a book of Shakepeare's plays that we printed out, blushed and tried to hide her face behind the book.Monika then pointed at me. /"This lazy ass over here!"/"That is fair," I nodded."Are butts really that interesting, Mister Clown?" Arma asked again. She put down a card and picked up a card. "Ha! Got it!""Well done, Arma-chan!" Yae said excitedly. A swordswoman should not have such horrible short-term memory for patterns. Her own struggle was to allow the little girl to win and be happy without making it obvious that she was throwing the game.I shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe? You know how they say heroes are bad ass. They kick ass. Some people are just assho-""Get out." Elze pointed to a blank wall of the carriage and the pinprick of light there./" Yes, you're kinda being too annoying right now, Player. Are you bored? Maybe you need some higher level amusements."/"All right. All right. I'll bum around somewhere else."The small pinprick of light expanded out into a Boom Tube tunnel linking the two carriages together. On the other side, Olga and Leon looked up away from the chessboard."Playas get out!" Elze hissed through clenched teeth as she hauled me up by my collar and pushed me into the hole. "Reeeeeeh!""Bye bye, Mister Clown!"-.-.Unlike Carriage #2, the lead carriage had its curtains drawn and was lit only by a magic crystal light. It had a much more somber, grownup atmosphere.I got up, coughed into my fist and stared at these bunch of normies. "Sorry for ruining your game. So, who was winning?"The two stared down at the pieces scattered by my ramming headfirst onto the board, then up they chanced to meet each other's eyes. They both quickly looked away."S-sir Leon had the advantage. It's no matter, I was losing anyway.""No, that's not true! We were already tied, one-one, and Miss Strand won the game before. It could still have gone either way"Ooh? That was an interesting reaction. I glanced towards Yumina, and raised my eyebrow. Her response was smug little smile.I see. This carriage was a shipping container.I eased onto the seat besides Yumina and said to him "Mmm. Do you know why you are tasked with Miss Olgra Strand's safety over literally anything else? In this delegation, none but you among all the other guards even known that Yumina is the Crown Princess. Protecting her is more important than even your basic duty to the crown."Leon's gaze flicked to the side, and Olga was pointedly avoiding looking at him and hiding her own blush."I I surely do not know, sir!"Yumina ventured "Um, does it have anything to do with how I'm already more than adequately protected? I don't meant to disparage the Royal Knights, but they're not quite Red Rank Adventurers.""Yumina, do you know why we're taking this long route to Mismede? We could Boom Tube there in a couple of days instead of ten days, if I were allowed to range ahead but instead we're taking this slow obvious route with only a minimal level of escort. We're spending so much time when when Regulus could attack at any time."The princess put a hand to her chin. "I'm not sure. It feels a bit heartless to say we're being offered as bait?" Yet she didn't seem to mind if even her own father was willing to risk her life that way, because that was part of the responsibilities of a ruler. Frankly, from being pampered all her life, sharing some of the danger was the least she felt she could do for the people that fought for her sake."Something like that. But more basic. Yumina, may I see the transcriptions of their game?"Yumina handed over the sheets of paper. Leon Blitz nodded fervently."May I just say it's very interesting how an entire game of chess could be recorded and replayed with such simple notation! I haven't heard of any other game that allows this, truly chess it is worth being called the King's Game!"I hmm'ed again. "Leon, what is the objective in chess?""The objective in chess is to to capture the enemy's king!"Olga looked up sharply, suddenly alarmed for reasons.I nodded. "Yes. Not to capture pieces. Not to defend your own King from capture. It doesn't matter if the board is clear or not, checkmate is to prevent your opponent from making any movement that could allow their King to escape capture. So why is this important? Why can't the other pieces just keep fighting on their own?"I could see the honest young knight hold himself back from saying the obvious 'Because those are the rules of the game?' and tried to think of a more acceptable reason."Because if the King is captured, then no one can tie together all the different forces to fight," said Olga. "Nobles and tribes would surrender or betray the rest for their own advantage if they have no reason to remain united."I beamed. "Exactly. That's the sort of realism that only someone who lives with having to make sure different tribes act as one can comprehend."Despite what people may think, chess doesn't actually teach you anything about tactics or strategy. All it does is expose your habits, your personality. Do you seek to exchange pieces swiftly to clear the board and leave the endgame to maneuver? Do you seek to cramp the board and protect as many pieces as possible? Do you favor the straightforward opening or do you prefer attacking from the side? Chess is no substitute for war.""Then what is the point, Sir Zah? Do you have a more realistic way to simulate war?"WARHAMMER TOTAL WAR YES I WANT TO PLAY TABLETOP WITH SOMEONE. I coughed and looked away. "These ten days were given to us so that we can better prepare to have these two very different kingdoms act as one. Leon, your father has sent you out to learn about strategy instead of just battle tactics. Miss Strand, so that you can understand that Mismede has leverage over Belfast in this alliance."But what both kingdoms lack is a means to prevent betrayal. A carrot and a stick, one might say."Yumina's eyes glittered. "So do you have a means to ensure both sides don't betray each other? I am sure there are still hard feelings from certain elements on both sides."Yumina was keenly familiar with how a political marriage had long been the way to permanently fix an alliance. The King of Mismede lacked children of marriageable age however his eldest was a princess of ten years, and the first prince was just nine years old and the second prince was just six. Mismede would never allow Belfast a reason to press an inheritance claim to crown of the Mismede, so since Sue was a member of the Royal Family she was not a contender there either.While Leon Blitz was the son of General Lyon Blitz, commander of the Royal Army Olga Strand was the daughter of Olba Strand, just a particularly successful merchant from Mismede.I grinned. "Yumina, you are the carrot. I am the stick. And we have these ten days to think up a way to fix geopolitics using only soldiers without borders."-.-.I growled with a faintly Scottish brogue "Ogres are like onions."I pitched my voice up like a brother from the hood "They stink?""Yes. No!""They make you cry?""No. Yes but no!""Oh so you leave them out in the sum and they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs-"I groaned and slapped my face, and then shoved an empty hand out. "No. Layers. Onions have layers. *Ogres* have layers. You get it? We both have *layers*.""Oooh. You both have layers." Then added somewhat sadly "Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions."I made some sort of frustrated blubbering snorting noise."CAKE! How about cake! Everybody loves cake! Cake have layers!" 2It was night and we were camped out beside the road. With Earth magic we raised some stone slabs to use as benches and later so people could sleep more comfortably off the ground. The girls could sleep inside the carriage. Around the fires as we ate dinner, over several nights we shared stories.Arma clapped happily as the retelling of the story of SHREK came to a close. Yumina smiled as well. The tale of Shrek and Fiona was about socially inappropriate love and marriage, and despite it being about a princess like she was she looked shiftily towards Lyon and Olga. The two were seated far apart and were pointedly avoiding looking at each other."An interesting tale, milord," Leon said as we relaxed to the night watch. "Lord Faarquad needing to marry a Princess to become a King it sounds uncomfortably close to what Her Highness had to suffer." He looked vaguely uncomfortable with the ending. "But Princess Fiona, to turn into an ogre at the end""Don't read too much into it. It's just a story. A princess choosing to become a commoner is just as feasible as any commoner becoming a princess or a queen by marriage. In the end people are just people, no matter our station we all bleed and hunger for love and understanding the same way." Besides, if I were to take the role of Shrek, who would be Donkey?Probably Elze. Yes definitely Elze."I see. Thank you for those wise words, milord.""Why do I feel the sudden urge to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE?" Elze muttered from inside the carriage as they were setting up to sleep."Sis, you feel that urge ALL THE TIME," Linze said softly as she slid into the blanket."Sir Zah I would just like to ask I mean no offense, but how do you do it?""Mm?" Do what?"How do you make people laugh?" Leon asked. "I mean, how do I become as confident as you, that you can look so silly and no one minds it as long as people are happy? Would it help to take lessons from thespians and bards?"I blinked. "Dude. Are you are you actually afraid that you're boring?"Lyon Blitz, nice rich handsome blond noble knight guy blushed and fidgeted in his seat. His father was boisterous and unrestrained, so it was somewhat strange that his son would be so proper and dignified. He was afraid of looking silly while at the same time wishing he could be so free with his emotions to be able to act on them. He was like perfect husbando material and yet had the gall to still feel inadequate about wooing a woman.Riajuu go burn.I looked around and saw how the Belfast and Mismede guards were not mingling. Whereas the Belfast Knight Order guards were wearing half-plate, the Misemede guards were wearing more mobile padded jacks and some ring mail. Through some unspoken agreement they each defended half of the camp.One of the beastkin guards suddenly flicked his long rabbit ears up and made a bird-like whistling sound. Instantly all the other Mismede guards went on alert, but didn't sit up to make it obvious that they had detected something.Lyon noticed it instantly, he was about to stand up and then sat back down. "What does that mean? An ambush? We should-""Ooh? How interesting." I opened my palm out, and a minimap floated on top of my hand. At least twenty red dots surrounded our camp. "Night battle, eh? Someone's being competent."I grinned and closed my hand into a fist.Arrows shot out from the darkness and punched through the wood of the carriages.-.-.1 https://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/hanafuda/rule_e.html2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r7NAS8NlBM
