LATEST UPDATES

Julius Caesar - Chapter 21

Published at 14th of January 2019 06:51:00 PM


Chapter 21

If audio player doesn't work, press Stop then Play button again






Another A/N: ""Psst...this chapter contains suicidal thoughts. So if you don't feel comfortable reading it, I've already kept '°' to mark where you should start skipping and when you should continue reading :)""

***

<▪▪Grey▪▪>

The colour of the skies never changed these days.

It was invariably a mundane, teasing shade of grey. And when the skies felt bored, they shed its grey away, as molten, abusing pellets, only to be replaced by a darker, consuming grey. It seemed to get gradually darker. It seemed to only change in its greyness. It only seemed to get darker and darker.

Just like my days.

They all passed looking alike. Nothing new. All I did was wake up, ask Sam if there are any improvements, act like I was a normal person for the rest of the day, mourn a bit and then go back to sleep, recharging myself for another grey day.

The inefficiency of what I was doing frustrated me for a long time, but all I could do was give it time and be 'patient'.

Sometimes I'd even hear voices in my head, screaming at me to just give everything up and return as a slave under Father's boots. It would be tempting at times too. Just give up. Live my life as I was destined to live it. Alone. Weak. Broken. It'd all pass. We'd all be dead one day anyway. What was the bloody point?

But I would see Samantha in the park. And my heart would pause, perhaps to capture this very moment and store it away in a place so deep. A place I daren't allow myself to peek in. I would watch her quietly, but never really approach her. Not anymore. She seemed like she was already in so much trouble. Associating her with me would bring her nothing but more trouble. So I decided to keep my distance. I'd watch her hair flutter, revealing her earphones as her feet tapped the ground quickly or slowly, depending on what she was listening to, I thought. She looked peaceful, so I let her be as I smoked a cigarette or two.

She was blind, yet unyielding. She had lost her father, yet she wanted revenge on whoever killed him despite her blindness. So did I -a fully capable being- really had the right to give up?

No. I didn't think so really.

Weeks passed and I never talked to Samantha. I would simply watch her, get enough of her strength and leave. Repeat.

She never called either and I wondered if she felt like I wasn't the right type to associate with. And to be honest, that'd be for the best.

But there was always this part of me that wanted to forget all about the atrocity I'd been through and simply go and sit next to her. Talk to her. Make her laugh. Be the normal person, I knew I couldn't afford to be. I wanted to forget that being normal was impossible for me.

It was not that easy.

I was sitting on a bench, three benches away from Samantha as I played with an 8×8 Rubik's cube I bought two weeks before. It kept me distracted and somehow improved my concentration. Because I couldn't let my thoughts consume me. Because I knew they would once I solved the cube and Samantha left.

Because that was what happened every day and it was getting worse. My grey was not withering away. My, it was darkening. And today, I felt like it couldn't get darker.

My breath hitched when Samantha got up and left. Somehow, her being in the park gave me a sense of safety. It was like I wasn't alone.

So I relaxed back on the bench and watched her leave relentlessly without any expression. I decided that if I were to be most efficient, my emotions and whatever remained from my humanity, had to be suppressed. I had to shut everything off. And I almost won this war. I almost won it, if it weren't for the utter grief that managed to seep from under the viscous darkness of my soul.

Blimey, sometimes it seeped from my eyelids, uncontrollably.

So minutes ticked into hours before I decided to leave to the new hotel we've moved into. I decided that we couldn't stay in the same place for too long. That wouldn't be wise. I got into the suite and noticed that Sam and Ben were discussing something over a big book sitting in front of them. I ignored them and got into my room. I was exhausted and mostly disappointed in myself.

°I sat on my bed and reached for my gun under my pillow. I held it in my hand for a long while.

I then held it to my forehead.

I held it there and closed my eyes and thought that, yes, maybe that was the right choice. Not returning to Father. Not waiting here forever. No. Just dying. That might just be it. I took a deep breath and counted to fifty in my head.

Did I really want to do this? After finally having a hand over my father? Was I really going to leave it all behind for him to continue building his empire? Was I going to just leave him at it just like that?

I opened my eyes and squeezed them shut again as my forehead throbbed. I remembered Audrey and the baby I would've had. I remembered the people I killed. Twenty. I remembered my dead mother and I held the pistol tighter as I clenched my jaws.

I opened my eyes and more grief spilt inevitably. The silence around me was deafening. For once, I hated it.

I felt lonely and pathetic. Pathetic people don't live. It was simply natural selection. Charles Darwin's* theory. Being pathetic was certainly a selective disadvantage.

I held the gun tighter thinking of all the things I could've done, the person I could've been if it weren't for the weakness I had for my father. If I had chosen differently. Correctly.

So many opportunities I had had before to kill him. So many wasted times. We lived in the same house. I could've sneaked up on him and killed him in his sleep. But I didn't. I couldn't. Something was always holding me back. I didn't know what. And it was driving me insane.

It was times like this when I felt that the whole world was against me. Times when I knew my weaknesses but was doing nothing to eliminate them. I let them swallow me whole. It was precisely those times when I was suffocating from my sins and how unfair this life had been for me. Those times were times when I wanted to just end it all. When I'd had enough. When I'd no more reason to breathe. When I'd got no one to care. When I was alone in a world packed with people who could help, yet really can't. Those were the times when I felt that I was so detached.

Like I was brought to the world, just to be forgotten.

You are forgotten. If you died? No one would remember a monster like you. Someone who brought such atrocity to the world. Let's face it- you were never worth it. After all, you are a murderer. A murderer. People feared you and were hurt by your actions; thus you're not worth their help or care.

My thoughts. Those were my thoughts. This was how they hunted me down.

I closed my eyes again, feeling anger rise within me. It was that anger that had kept me alive, I guess. Anger against my father that kept me running looking for revenge. For Audrey and my baby. For mom. Anger was so long my fuel. But it got scary. It was exhausting.

Anger as a motivation was killing me.

Anger against myself was always there. It was there to taunt me and remind me of all my imperfections. It was there and was strong enough to allow me to hold a gun right in front of my own forehead, daring my brain to fire the right impulse across the right synapse to just end me.

But die without taking Audrey's revenge?

I thought about it and worked my jaws as my chest heaved up and down with every breath I took. She wouldn't be honoured, would she? She wouldn't be at peace when she rested in the Earth's heart in her eternal sleep, would she be? I opened my eyes and focused them on the gun's tip, feeling my heart shatter again as tears filled my eyes to the brim.

°I closed my eyes and slowly lowered my gun. I looked up and took in a deep breath. I couldn't be that weak. I couldn't be. I'm a strong man. I had to face it and suck it up. Just suck it up. Like I always did. Like I was taught to do.

I dropped the gun on the floor and laid on my back exhaustedly. I rubbed my face and reached for my phone. I was about to dial Samantha's number before I angrily chucked the phone on the floor too. I had to stop being selfish.

I was about to get up when the door was slammed open and Augustus ambled in with a grin on his face. I sat up immediately and managed a pathetic lopsided smile.

"What brings you now?" I asked him curiously with a heavy sigh as he chucked in my way a hamburger and a soda can. I caught them and raised my eyebrows. I didn't remember the last time I've eaten.

"You look like absolute shit, my friend," is what he said and I smirked, examining him. He was tall, clad in black combat boots, army-green cargo pants, a simple black shirt, and a coal-black coat. His platinum-blond hair fell over his face, obscuring a few his eyes.

On point.

I sighed, opened the soda can and gulped it down.

Augustus looked at me with his piercing, blue eyes. "Anything new?" He asked leaning against a wall and drinking his soda.

I shook my head and he nodded slowly. I was about to say something when Sam walked into the room with worry, etched on her face. Augustus pushed himself off the wall and I sat up straighter.

"Good you're here." She breathed urgently and I raised my eyebrows. "That man-" she said slowly. "-he answered."

I got up and walked toward her feeling suddenly motivated. "And-?"

"He said," she looked down, glanced at Augustus and then looked back at me. "-he said they were never 'enemies' with your company. In fact, he said-" she paused. "-he said that they're on very good terms with it."

Silence followed. I stared hard at her, processing what she said. What kind of game were they playing?

"Bloody hell-" was what Augustus blurted after a short while.

"But that makes absolutely no sense," I said irritably as I started pacing around. "Why would your father steal those documents if our companies were 'besties'? Nonsense! Hell, he got killed for them-"

"What? What are you saying?" Sam interrupted.

"What what?!" I said angrily, stopping at my place and openly glaring at her.

"Romeo, mate, something's terribly wrong-" Augustus started, but my anger was already unleashed.

"What could be more terribly wrong than what's happening?!" I sneered.

"Who told you her father died man?" he said and I gaped at him like he was crazy.

"What do you mean?" I said impatiently. "I know he's dead!"

I killed him. With my hands! I heard his head crack under my gun's smack!

"But my father isn't dead, Romeo. Not at all," was what Sam said.

"What do you mean he isn't dead? Then whom, in the name of fuckery, were you mourning when I first met you?!" I snapped sharply approaching her dangerously until my face was a few inches from hers.

She looked into my eyes shocked as her eyes watered. "My-My uncle, Romeo. My uncle-" She then turned to leave, but my quick reflexes snatched her arm to turn her back to me.

"You aren't going anywhere until you bloody explain what the hell you just said," I said in a low, harsh whisper and she looked at me terrified. Tears filled her eyes to the brim and I frowned.

I loosened my grip on her before letting her go. She stared at me as I shuffled in my place not knowing what to do. How to bloody react!

So I took a deep breath, rubbed my temples and looked at her. "Are you saying your father's still alive?" I asked still shocked.

Did that mean that I didn't really kill the man back then?

"Why wouldn't he be?" She asked, biting her lips.

I looked at her trying to put the pieces together. "Was-Wasn't he attacked?" I said suddenly perplexed.

"No. It was my uncle. He was shot in the head while he was driving back home-" she said slowly and I stared at her, my mouth wide open and my brain flipped over.

"Your father-"

"He's a known businessman, but my uncle was his enemy. My dad killed him-" She said shutting her eyes as if in pain. "That just adds to the list of reasons why I hate, Dad."

I looked into her watery eyes then at Augustus who was eating his burger and watching us intently.

"But how come it never came up? When I told you to ask your father's friends...You never said you could ask your father, you never told me he was alive!" I pressed, feeling perplexed and angry.

"I loathed my father, I just- I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him-"

"But that was your life, Sam!" I snapped. "If I knew your father was alive, things would've been different, so bloody different." I sneered at her, restraining myself from getting close to her. Because, hell, I'd kill her.

"Hey, mate, chill-" Augustus interrupted with his voice muffled- because of the food. He then took his time to swallow before speaking again. "I mean, what could be so different?"

I looked at him and for the first time considered this question. The most important question. I shook my head, glanced at Sam then back again at Augustus.

"This means I've been wasting my whole goddamned time. All that happened is a simple waste. Months passed and all for absolutely nothing-" I replied bitterly.

"But I'm working-" Sam uttered, but I gave her a look that shut her the hell up. I was angry at her, so angry, so so angry, because of one reason and one reason only.

"Because of your ambiguity and vagueness," I said breathlessly. "-I endangered your bloody life. For nothing. Would you fancy knowing why?" I asked rhetorically, glaring at her.

She merely nodded and I continued. "Because you aren't the girl I'm looking for. It is not you. Now, I know. But my enemy does not. And that makes all the bloody difference," I said calmly, looking in her eyes and not blinking once. "You will still remain his bloody target. For no reason. You might die when you are in no way involved in this."

Augustus choked on the soda he was drinking as Sam gasped faintly. Augustus then looked at Sam.

"That's shitty, mate," Augustus said, wiping his hands on his pants and approaching me. "Main thing is: do you know the girl?"

I looked at him thoughtfully, then admitted. "No. I don't. Not a clue," I sighed, rubbing my eyes hopelessly.

"That's literally the worst case scenario," Augustus said sitting next to me as Sam shuffled to sit next to me on my bed on the other side. In other words, I was sandwiched between them.

She placed a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off, getting up. There was no time for theatrics and pity. This was ridiculously getting out of hand. I was heading out of the room when Sam's quivering voice spoke up.

"I'll leave, Romeo. I'm so sorry," was all she said and I stopped.

"Don't," was all I said, not even turning back as I continued making my way out of the hotel room.

The last thing I needed was having her dead because of this. Something she shouldn't have been part of.

For now? I really needed to think.

***

A/N: Well? Thoughts?

*Charles Darwin was an English naturalist whose scientific theory of evolution by natural selection became the foundation of modern evolutionary studies.




Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!