Julius Caesar - Chapter 24

Chapter 24






A/N: ""Psst..u got a bit of violence and sexual abuse ahead of you.""

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<▪▪Guilty Pleasure▪▪>

It had been a while ever since I've been to a bar.

Yet here I was, sitting right in front of the bar with my throbbing head in my hands as I waited for more shots, trying to take deep, calming breaths. Yes, I was very furious. And I wanted to drink all the reasons away because being angry meant being stupid. And stupid gets you killed.

And I wasn't forgetting. That was really bad.

I wanted to know where Augustus was and how he was. I surprised myself by my irritancy over his 'condition', so I finally and drunkenly came to the conclusion, that yes, I might've actually cared about him. I sighed anyway and drank the shots that were slid in front of me, as my anger slowly dissolved away and my senses went numb.

It wasn't a good sensation, but I needed to regain control over my anger. My anger that was seemingly provoked by the pettiest of reasons.

I closed my eyes. Control.

'"' 'Control, Julius!' He held my forearms as I snarled looking at the doctors who were covering my mom's face with a white, starchy cover.

I was never so angry in my entire life. I had never felt the anger so intensely as I felt it in my veins, setting my brain on fire, between my dad's clutches as he dragged me away from Mom. Pardon, dead Mom.

'Control, son." He chanted as tears blurred my vision as I looked back at the nurses detaching Mom from all the machines that counted her remaining heartbeats. Looked like there was no more.

'Julius!' Dad then bellowed sternly and I looked into his sharp, brown eyes, obscured by his platinum-blond hair. His lips were curled in a snarl. 'It's over. She's gone, Julius. Man up!'

My teeth clenched and spit accumulated in my mouth as I wheezed, shaking my head and pulling away vigorously. 'Let me go. Let me go. Let me go!'

But Dad was always stronger.

'You have to calm down.' He scolded as some doctors rushed by. 'You have to calm down to-'

'TO BE IN CONTROL.' I shouted angrily. But, dammit, forget control! 'MOM-' I cried grimacing and gulping down the sobs that seemed to clutch at my throat, begging for a release. 'SHE DIED! SHE DIED!' I repeated so that perhaps I could make peace with it. So that I could calm down. And be in control.'"'

I exhaled. That was the first time I felt anger. Really felt it. Consuming rage that took over my senses and drowned everything around me. It was this moment that triggered the birth of the 'modified, new' Julius Caesar. I smirked and tipped my head back as more memories rushed in.

'"' 'That's not how it goes, Julius!' Father barked from behind and I grimaced. I crouched and held my gun in front of my chest. I felt my hands shake with anger.

I couldn't believe. I couldn't believe America- the housekeeper- broke my mom's favourite glass vase. But what I really couldn't believe was Father's carelessness. Why didn't he punish her?! We both knew he wasn't forgiving. He believed everyone had to be punished for their irresponsible actions.

How dare he let her get away with it?

'CONTROL JULIUS CAESAR! FOCUS! CLEAR YOUR MIND!' Father bellowed more and I scowled. I let my eyes zoom in and zone out on the rabbit's body that hung from a tree branch at least ten metres away from me.

I had to shoot the pointy tip of its right ear. I pulled the trigger anyway to annoy Father more. I already hated having to practice with him. Him constantly commanding me and grinding my bloody gears, didn't improve anything. I usually practised shooting with Ledger- one of my closest 'friends'.

It hit the rabbit's eye. I meant it.

'Julius!' He snapped and I bit on my tongue as sweat trickled down the side of my face. I decided to take deep, calming breaths as the anger at my father receded to the back of my mind.

Even his voice got on my nerves. So I decided to get done with it. I licked my lips once and shot again. I looked up, finding a perfect, incomplete hole in the rabbit's ear tip. I smirked, turned around and chucked the gun at Father, whose fast reflexes caught immediately.'"'

I shook my head with a grimace as I forced down another shot along with the memory. I squeezed my eyes and sniffed. I then lit another cigarette before getting nudged in the shoulder by someone who- I swear to Good God- had a bloody death wish.

I snapped my head in their direction to glare at a guy who was laughing with a beer can in his hand. He looked absolutely revolting in a disgusting white, sleeveless shirt and baggy pants that revealed his red boxers.

I watched him grab a dancing girl from her hair and forcing her to kneel down. I tilted my head and watched them. Their figures were dancing in front of my eyes in a blur. I then looked at the bright lights above my head and squinted.

"Suck my dick you HOE!" I heard the guy say as he laughed. I snapped my neck down immediately as the girl stumbled on her heels and fell to the ground with a sickening thud that reverberated in my mind amidst all the chaos. And I thought it was amusing that I was the only one watching this happen. That, for once, no one really cared.

My eyes fluttered closed, but I forced them open. I watched him tease and tug down on his pants' zipper as guffawed at nothing. He tugged her hair and the girl whimpered helplessly before he poured his beer can all over her. The girl's screams came and echoed painfully in my mind, clicking a switch in me, that forced me up on my feet to literally

mush

him

up.

I pulled the guy by his greasy hair and turned his face to mine. My eyes fluttered closed.

Control, Caesar!

I forced my eyes open. His beer breath fanned my face, bringing me to reality as he grinned at me.

"What? You wanna suck my dick, instead?" He laughed showing his yellowing teeth. I raised my eyebrows as my nose flared. At that moment I think I went blind or saw white or black, I don't remember. I felt pure anger and adrenaline rush through me, making me numb. No sensation. The lights were a blur and nothing- nothing- felt real to me except for the hair and the flesh in my hands.

I punched the living daylights out of him is all I can tell you. He turned from a living being to my bleeding, punching bag. I was blinded not only by anger but also by tears I realized.

Tears for Audrey. Tears for all the unfairness I'd been through. Tears for my lost future and for the monster I'd become. Tears for my sorry self.

Control Caesar. Control!- Father's voice echoed in my head and for a moment I wanted to collapse on the floor, clutch my head in my hands and force all of it away. I wanted all my memories to forget me.

I didn't stop until I realized I was going to bang the gangster's head to the floor. I looked at his bloodied face and filthy shirt. His begging for mercy filled my ears. The kind of music I loved. I used to love.

I didn't want to kill him. Or did I?

I hadn't killed someone in a while. And there was no problem if I took his life away. Earth would have one less problem without his drunk being abusing women and acting like an absolute arse. I had no tolerance for women abusers. I hated people who took advantage of other people's weaknesses. Women are physically weaker than men. That shouldn't be taken as an advantage.

Like Father shouldn't have taken advantage of my younger, weaker version after my mom passed away. That wasn't fair.

But then he might have children, I reminded my drunk self. A wife. A wife who could be bearing his child. They could be just starting a new life. A dream.

Hope.

Hope.

Hope.

I was so lost in my world when a hard punch in my face threw me back to reality. I got punched with brass knuckles. I staggered back with a hand on my busted nose. Blood stained my shirt and filled my hands, but I couldn't feel the pain. I almost laughed at the impossibility of it. Blood with no pain. I think I laughed.

Control, Caesar!

My sight blurred for a second before clearing to see the girl he was harassing break a glass bottle on his head. His arising figure fell to the ground with a thud. He was planning to hit me more, but apparently, the girl saved me. I quickly glanced at the girl who looked horrified at what she'd done. She glanced back at me and smiled hesitantly, but I didn't smile back. My eyes fluttered closed, then opened again to the throbbing dance floor and blinding flashing lights.

But I was breaking apart. That never happened ever since my mom died.

I simply ran out of the bar with my shirt up my nose and tears in my eyes. I felt so disconnected and tired. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I could see my pathetic self, stumbling past people, while getting nudged once or twice. I could see it run to the door past the packed bodies with blood flowing out and its hands trying to stop it. Running away from its life.

I miss mom. I miss mom. I miss mom. I chanted to myself.

When I was finally out, I walked randomly in the empty streets. It was three in the morning and I didn't know where I was going until I found myself sitting on a walking pavement and staring at the empty streets and the fading lights in awe.

Then there was lightning. A thunderclap. And the rain came pouring down on the earth. On me.

Only then did I cry. My sobs a lost, drifting echo in the ferocity of the thunder's anger. I cried like I'd never done before. Like I was a child who lost his mother. But what I'd lost wasn't only my mother, I'd lost my life.

My nose dripped more blood on my pants and I didn't care. I didn't think anything mattered now. It didn't even hurt. But I guess there remained one pain booze couldn't really take away. It just can't.

I laid on my back and cried at the unyielding, throbbing darkness of the night that engulfed me like a so long, missed lover as rain cascaded down, drenching me to the bone. I stayed there for a long while, panting and heaving when I heard the honking of a car. I sat up to find a black Mustang park a few meters away from me.

I wasn't surprised when Augustus stepped out of the car with an umbrella. He spotted me and ran towards me, his coat flapping against the wind. A few seconds later, he was sitting by my side with the umbrella shielding both of us from the rain. We stayed like that for a long while. No one said a thing. We both just stared at the empty darkness and the rain that fell as I sniffed occasionally.

He then started talking after a thunderclap.

"I never had a mother, you know?" He shifted, ran a hand through his hair, then continued. "My mom died of birth complications to bring me to this world," he said slowly waving at the barren, dull, wet streets surrounding us. "But my dad used to tell me a lot of stories about how a beautiful, loving and sacrificing soul she was. He showed me pictures through which I painted a preserved image of her in my mind. She was my goddess. I went to school and lived all my life with this painting of hers. So pristine and untouchable. So valuable. She lived in my mind. So-" He paused to clasp his hands together.

"So when someone calls her a bitch, I can't handle it. I can't handle it, mate. It's just about this one string that's left of her. They can't just cut it. Something inside me snaps. They can't call her something she wasn't. They shouldn't insult a dead, peaceful soul. They can't. I won't let them."

I looked at him just this time, my heart racing in my chest at his revelation, to find him closing his eyes and taking a deep, shaky breath forming a little white, cloud in front of him.

It was freezing.

"Life has been difficult enough already without her," he said solidly with a heavy frown. "I lived my life alone and didn't complain much. My dad came a few times to check up on me. His visits were appreciated, but I was falling into this abyss of loneliness. Dad thinks all I need is his money. He's wrong. I need quality time. I need family, you know? People who actually give a shit. I'm very protective over the people whom I love. I can't risk losing them to anything or having them insulted by anyone," he sniffed and I felt my eyes water. "You seldom find people like those. So I've learnt to hold on to them, no matter what the price was." He then shrugged, releasing the tension in his shoulders.

I glanced at the empty street, looked at my boots, then talked too. I was out of my damn mind, yes, but maybe it wasn't too bad to do something I wanted to do. I wanted someone to hold on to and be my reservoir. Maybe, I thought, maybe, I should get drunk more. So that guilt wouldn't find me when I awake. Guilt of dragging more people into this. My life.

My chest tightened and my teeth clattered against the cold. "I lost my mother when I was sixteen. To cancer," I said my voice so calm and solid, surprising myself. Why wasn't I slurring? Why was I making sense? I should try nonsense sometimes.

"And I guess seeing her die in front of me, killed me slowly with her. My father hates me and is the reason why I know I have no future. He involved me in his dirty jobs. He bloodied my innocence. He turned me into an apathetic creature. I-" I stopped to catch my breath.

"I killed for him and destroyed people's lives. Not even thinking twice. He moulded me into a feared thing. A murderer. Until-" I said and closed my eyes and tapped my feet in pain. I blinked away tears "Until I lived the pain death leaves behind. Karma came back at me hard and knowing no mercy. It came back in the form of my father, who-" I stopped to take a deep breath. "-who shot me and killed my pregnant girlfriend right in front of my eyes. In her chest. The only one who cared. The only one who understood what it meant to be standing in my shoes. Who always tried to look at things, at my, at this ugliness in me, from different perspectives. God, the only love of my pathetic life."

I looked at a shocked-looking Augustus. "Your father? You've been fighting against your father all along?"

I nodded, pushing back the wet hair strands that fell over my face because of a light breeze that slapped me.

"Ironic. Why didn't you leave earlier? Why did you stay with him?" he asked.

"Because I was weak and vulnerable after Mom's death. My weakness and cowardice clouded my judgement. I thought I liked what I did. I thought that I lived for pleasing my father. That he'd be proud of me. Because when I was with him, I was constantly competing against myself. Competing it to get worse and darker and unredeemable. Just to gain his love and confidence. I thought that he had no control over my personal life. But-" I shook my head and pressed my index fingers to my lips. "-he turned out to have control over everything." I sighed defeatedly.

"So those pictures-" Augustus started and my breath hitched. "-it was your girlfriend and baby?"

I remember being surprised at him seeing the pictures and I was going to ask him how he did, but stopped, a part of me satisfied.

"She was pretty, right? And did you see the baby's ultrasound? I am not a bloody doctor, but it might've been four months old-" I said feeling odd excitement rush through me.

Augustus looked at me with a sad smile. "She was. You'd have a very pretty daughter-"

"-if they lived," I completed his sentence and smiled. "But they didn't. And they are in a better place. Away from me, yes, but in a better place." I repeated the doctor's words with a pang in my heart. I was drunk and I was sad. Sad and drunk equated to a depressed, poetic Julius. "They're in a much better place. Pure and innocent. Away from me." I whispered to myself, begging it to believe it.

"They are, Romeo," Augustus said patting my back. "And you've got me. You and me against this bad, not-good-at-all world. And at least we're in this miserable shit together. That's all that's left, and all that matters." Augustus said with finality and I nodded smiling genuinely.

Yes, he was right. All I had now was all that mattered.

"What brings you here any way you bloody useless knobhead? It was a relief getting rid of your childish arse earlier." I smirked, looking at him and he laughed, getting up.

"That my friend," he paused to dust his pants. "-is a long ass story. So I suggest, we leave and I'll tell you on the way."

I got up and Augustus narrowed his eyes at me.

"Is that blood I see?" He asked as we started walking toward his car and I nodded.

"Got my nose busted by a bloody wanker at the bar. With brass knuckles," I laughed as if it were funny. It wasn't at all.

"Ha! Karma got you back!" He punched the air with his fist and I chuckled, looked away and sighed.

"It always does."

---

Being carefree and happy was a dangerous side effect of spending time with Augustus. It was very contagious and was my guilty pleasure.

We turned up at the hotel by about eight in the morning. We roamed around the streets, listening to loud music and singing our woes out (yes, singing, absolutely ridiculous, but unhelpable), then turned up at MacDonald's for breakfast before we headed to the park at seven when I showed him Samantha running with her mp3 player like she memorized the place. Only then did Augustus confess how he felt about Sam, and that he only liked her 'temporarily'. He also told me that when Zig complimented him, yesterday before they left, Ben disagreed and called him a 'son of a bitch' which undoubtedly brought about the fight.

Then I remembered how much I'd accused Sam in the hospital and honestly felt guilty. Especially when I remembered the look in her eyes when I'd stated it in her face that she lost both Augustus and Ben.

Anyway, he told me the 'long ass' story of how he ended up with me. Which wasn't very long. He mentioned that he was heading into the bar for some shots when I ran out, past him. And he followed me instead of drinking. He said he was hesitant to approach me at first but then got scared I'd 'harm' myself. So he joined the 'party'.

Now we stared at each other not knowing who would knock at the door first.

Augustus was the one who knocked on the door while he laughed about something he muttered that I didn't hear. The door then opened, revealing a puffy-eyed Sam in her baggy, grey pajamas and messy hair.

Augustus lowered his sunglasses, sucked his lollipop once and examined Sam for a moment before talking with an easy smirk.

"Good morning, miss. I'm looking for a lady called-" he paused, looked down, leaned on the door's casing. "-Sam Ricardo. Have you seen her?"

I stood there standing still and studying her attire. Something was definitely off about her. She was looking at both of us with wide eyes while her hands shook uncontrollably.

"Sam are you, okay?" I approached her as terror painted her face with its deathly pale colour.

I frowned as she shook her head vigorously and averted her gaze to her side.

"What the hell, you forgot how to talk li-" but then Augustus was silenced by a hand's appearance holding a pistol to the side of Sam's head.

I grasped Augustus's arm to make a run (that was my first instinct), when a thick, icy voice came, obstructing all my thoughts at once.

"Come in." The voice breathed. "Come in or I'll shoot her. And I would love it to be quiet and without any trouble."

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A/N: Be ready for your world to rock ;)

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