Translated by J. of Exiled Rebels Translations
Editor: Rattie
The episode of peeing trouble left the Royal Concubine in a panic. He took over Luo Li’s notebook computer at the hotel room. Luo Li was pitifully exiled to the internet café downstairs, and forced to complete his mountain of work in the company of cigarette smoke and junior high school students!
Dai An opened the search bar on Baidu and typed in ‘I have trouble peeing’. He thought it looked a bit pathetic, so he changed it to ‘how to deal with urinary problems’, and he hesitantly pressed the search button.
A door to a brave new world opened in front of him!
Thousands upon thousands of relevant search results sprouted from the page!
Under the guise of alt accounts, a vast number of men confessed their urinary frequency, urinary urgency and urinary hesitancy problems.
How very, very depressing!
Dai An randomly clicked on a search result. The author was distraught that it was like torture every time he peed, and it made him extremely anxious when the pee wouldn’t come out. Not only was it physically painful, it was also psychologically distressing.
That’s right! The Royal Concubine couldn’t help but nodded in agreement.
Then immediately below the post, an “expert” with a doctor’s profile photo replied: based on my extensive experience, your problems are due to excessive masturbation.
Fuck…The Royal Concubine angrily switched to a more authoritative website, which looked a lot more professional. But it didn’t relieve his anxiety at all, because it didn’t matter how many searches he did, the consensus seemed to be that urinary flow issues must be due to prostate problems!
This is such a tragedy!
Maybe I was too frightened last night? Dai An tried to comfort himself. He opened little Su Nuo’s favourite trashy online discussion forum, and logged on using a random alt account. As for the reason for having alt accounts, in his spare time, Su Nuo liked to pretend to be some of his more overzealous fans, and shamelessly posted topics like “Is Su Nuo better suited to play a renegade hero or a valiant policeman? What does everyone think?” At a time like this, a manager worth his salt must immediately put on a different alt account and promptly dive into the discussion. He must direct the conversation towards policeman vs hero, and away from comments such as “How can Su Nuo play these types of characters? He’s more suited to playing boy toys” which would hurt Su Nuo’s feelings.
Hence it is true to say that celebrity management is an extremely difficult profession!
Dai An thought it over, and eventually submitted the post.
Urinary trouble was already a hot topic, and the post was an immediate hit. Even more popular coming from a girl!
That’s right. The Royal Concubine failed to notice that he had logged on using a female account! The account was named “I love chequered miniskirts”, giving off a refreshing girl-next-door vibe.
When he had finally realised his regrettable mistake, the thread had already received several dozens of replies. Everyone lamented that girls these days are such libertines, daring to publicly post questions about such private topics!
Hence Mr I-love-chequered-miniskirts applied to have the post removed, but the request was mercilessly denied by the admin. The reason given to him was, if there were no hate speech in the comments section, then trending posts cannot be deleted.
Dai An was stunned. Within the short space of only three minutes, his post had already become a trending hot topic?! What kind of ridiculous speed is this! The replies were even more ridiculous. The top few comments all serendipitously asked if a good-looking boy was standing outside the bathroom?
Dai An momentarily froze, because he thought of Luo Li. So he swallowed his pride and replied, there were no good-looking boys standing outside, but there was a scarred man, does that count?
Then everyone began to lament that the author had some seriously weird taste in men etc, but then scarred men have their appeals too, how long have you had a crush on him?
Dai An took a deep breath, How could I be attracted to him!
The commentators all laughed, you should stop being so shy, most girls would have the same problem if the boy they liked stood outside their bathroom. Once you’ve successfully conquered him, the symptoms should slowly disappear so on and so forth.
This kind of discussion forums are even less reliable than the poster ads stuck over pedestrian crossings! Why does anyone even come here! Dai An was baffled. He very solemnly replied “I don’t like him at all!”
Everyone laughed again and quipped, you’re so cute when you deny what you really want. You must be a really shy and sweet girl, all innocent-like in a chequered miniskirt. If you really don’t have a crush on the scarred boy, then why don’t you go out with me? How tall are you? What size bra and panties do you wear? How much do you weigh?
WTF is this… Dai An gasped for air, and decisively clicked on the little red cross!
Can’t let this garbage discussion forum ruin my day!
Of course, the browser history must be deleted also!
When it came to hiding his tracks, Dai An was more than a little ahead of little Su Nuo.
A few minutes later, Luo Li opened the door. “It’s lunch time.”
Dai An immediately wrinkled his nose, “Why do you smell like cigarette smoke?”
“I didn’t smoke at all.” Luo Li innocently shrugged, “The internet cafe was full of cigarette smoke, there was nothing I could do.”
Dai An slowly got off the bed. Since Luo Li generously lent him his laptop, he decided to reluctantly tolerate the second-hand smoke.
“What do you want to eat?” Luo Li helped him put on his shoes.
“Noodles.” Dai An was easy to please. “The one near the front gate is fine.”
“Let’s go.” Luo Li helped him up.
“Thank you,” Dai An said politely. Even though he sometimes gets a little upset, he generally does not forget his manners.
“You’re welcome.” Mr Scarface smiled cheerfully. “The fee is two thousand per service, which equals sixteen hundred post-discount.”
Dai An stayed silent, The profiteer was truly despicable!
The noodle shop downstairs wasn’t very big, but their noodle soup was delicious, and they were not stingy on the sauce either! Dai An ordered stir-fried pork liver noodle soup, but looked hungrily at Luo Li’s sautéed shrimp noodle soup, thinking it might be tastier. But ordering two dishes seemed wasteful.
“Want to swap?” Luo Li asked.
“Is that possible?” the Royal Concubine enthused.
“Of course not.” Luo Li drank a big mouthful of soup, “It was just a question.”
Dai An was miserably thwarted. He shouldn’t have held any expectations for someone like Mr Scarface.
Halfway through the meal, Luo Li left to answer a phone call. Mr Manager childishly stole one of his shrimps.
“Beloved Royal Concubine!” Su Nuo exclaimed over the phone.
“Aren’t you supposed to be shooting a scene?” Dai An was a little puzzled.
“We’re about to eat.” Su Nuo asked, “How are things at home?”
“Nothing serious.” Dai An continued his theft of Mr Scarface’s shrimps, “You were right, Luo Li is super annoying!”
“Don’t spoil a wonderful meal by bringing him up!” Su Nuo said in disgust, then solemnly said, “Did he ask about me again?”
“It’s not that.” Dai An’s balls tightened.
“Then why did you bring him up?” Su Nuo was puzzled.
“Just venting.” Dai An put the last shrimp in his mouth.
“That’s right, he is super annoying!” Su Nuo solemnly agreed. “Maybe he’s a cross-dresser, and likes to wear big red panties!”
The Royal Concubine immediately thought of his own red Fuwa underwear, and calmly changed the topic, “Sir, you should go eat.”
“Ok, I’m hanging up, I’ll call you when I’m free.” Little Su Nuo was in a hurry to eat too! But bad phone reception meant he had to choose between his Beloved Royal Concubine and food. It wasn’t an easy choice!
After hanging up, Dai An continued eating his noodles. But when Luo Li came back to an empty bowl of soup, he almost had a stomach cramp from laughing.
Dai An calmly let out a burp.
Then on the same afternoon, Director Luo’s assistant received another inhumane text that his return date will be pushed out again.
The wretched assistant could only tearfully seek out the various deputy directors.
The hotel curtains were drawn and blocked out the light. Dai An took an afternoon nap while hugging his duvet, while Luo Li browsed the internet next to him.
Even though the Royal Concubine had wisely deleted his search history, how could he have known that Mr Scarface was an underground mafia, and his laptop wouldn’t have been an ordinary laptop!
So his urinary troubles were nakedly and unreservedly exposed in front of Luo Li, including all the responses from the various online commentators! So he laughed for another three minutes.
If he were being observant, he hasn’t stopped laughing since bringing Dai An out of the mountain!
“Why don’t you go laugh on your own bed!” The Royal Concubine was woken up by the bed shaking.
Luo Li started whistling.
……
Dai An gave him a baffled look, “You seem to be in a good mood?”
Luo Li grinned, “You reckon?”
Even idiots could tell he’s happy!
Dai An crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom. The whistling made him want to pee.
Just as he pulled down the zipper on his pants, before he managed to pee, Luo Li suddenly spoke outside the bathroom door, “What do you want to eat tonight?”
Dai An was aggrieved, “Do we have to discuss this while I’m using the bathroom?”
“Alright, I’ll wait for you to come out.” Luo Li whistled as he leaned on the door.
The soundproofing on the hotel bathroom was poor, and it didn’t even have a lock. So once again, Dai An Jr. broke down and had difficulties peeing!
After another three minutes, Dai An walked out with a pasty expression, and his knees buckled!
Luo Li caught him with his quick reflexes.
Just like the cliched setups from trashy romance novels, “the girl fell straight into the male lead’s lap”, it was super sweet!
“Are you unwell?” Luo Li knowingly asked, and helped him walk back to bed.
“It’s nothing.” The Royal Concubine despaired. If the last time he had trouble peeing was because he was frightened, then what’s the reason this time?
But I really didn’t overly masturbate!
Is there really something wrong with my prostate?
“What do you want for dinner?” Luo Li gently pinched his belly.
“I’m not hungry, you can eat by yourself.” Dai An had lost his appetite.
“What happened?” Luo Li was a jerk.
Because I have an unspeakable illness! The Royal Concubine looked dispirited.
“Alright, you can stay here.” Luo Li handed over his laptop. “Keep yourself busy. Once I finish up at the internet café, I will bring you takeaway.”
“Hmm.” Dai An wasn’t in the mood to hear what he had to say.
After Luo Li left, with a small ray of hope, Dai An searched the internet for urinary problems. Then he felt like peeing again!
He prepared himself for torment, but surprisingly he didn’t have any trouble this time. He felt great!
The dark haze from potential prostate problems immediately vanished. Dai An was elated at first, but then he became baffled after some further consideration.
Why was it that the problem would only appear when Mr Scarface is around?
What kind of absurd reason is this?
The sky suddenly darkened, lightning flashed and thunder roared outside the window, befitting the Royal Concubine’s mood.
“Do you want stir-fried rice noodles tonight?” Luo Li asked on the phone.
“Ok.” Dai An inexplicably wanted to hang up immediately!
“I’ll be back in twenty minutes.” Luo Li continued, “Beef marrow flavour or fish ball flavour?”
But the Royal Concubine had already hung up!
For the first time in his life, he lost his manners.
But what could he do!
He felt dizzy!
Translated by J. of Exiled Rebels Translations
Editor: Rattie
The episode of peeing trouble left the Royal Concubine in a panic. He took over Luo Li’s notebook computer at the hotel room. Luo Li was pitifully exiled to the internet café downstairs, and forced to complete his mountain of work in the company of cigarette smoke and junior high school students!
Dai An opened the search bar on Baidu and typed in ‘I have trouble peeing’. He thought it looked a bit pathetic, so he changed it to ‘how to deal with urinary problems’, and he hesitantly pressed the search button.
A door to a brave new world opened in front of him!
Thousands upon thousands of relevant search results sprouted from the page!
Under the guise of alt accounts, a vast number of men confessed their urinary frequency, urinary urgency and urinary hesitancy problems.
How very, very depressing!
Dai An randomly clicked on a search result. The author was distraught that it was like torture every time he peed, and it made him extremely anxious when the pee wouldn’t come out. Not only was it physically painful, it was also psychologically distressing.
That’s right! The Royal Concubine couldn’t help but nodded in agreement.
Then immediately below the post, an “expert” with a doctor’s profile photo replied: based on my extensive experience, your problems are due to excessive masturbation.
Fuck…The Royal Concubine angrily switched to a more authoritative website, which looked a lot more professional. But it didn’t relieve his anxiety at all, because it didn’t matter how many searches he did, the consensus seemed to be that urinary flow issues must be due to prostate problems!
This is such a tragedy!
Maybe I was too frightened last night? Dai An tried to comfort himself. He opened little Su Nuo’s favourite trashy online discussion forum, and logged on using a random alt account. As for the reason for having alt accounts, in his spare time, Su Nuo liked to pretend to be some of his more overzealous fans, and shamelessly posted topics like “Is Su Nuo better suited to play a renegade hero or a valiant policeman? What does everyone think?” At a time like this, a manager worth his salt must immediately put on a different alt account and promptly dive into the discussion. He must direct the conversation towards policeman vs hero, and away from comments such as “How can Su Nuo play these types of characters? He’s more suited to playing boy toys” which would hurt Su Nuo’s feelings.
Hence it is true to say that celebrity management is an extremely difficult profession!
Dai An thought it over, and eventually submitted the post.
Urinary trouble was already a hot topic, and the post was an immediate hit. Even more popular coming from a girl!
That’s right. The Royal Concubine failed to notice that he had logged on using a female account! The account was named “I love chequered miniskirts”, giving off a refreshing girl-next-door vibe.
When he had finally realised his regrettable mistake, the thread had already received several dozens of replies. Everyone lamented that girls these days are such libertines, daring to publicly post questions about such private topics!
Hence Mr I-love-chequered-miniskirts applied to have the post removed, but the request was mercilessly denied by the admin. The reason given to him was, if there were no hate speech in the comments section, then trending posts cannot be deleted.
Dai An was stunned. Within the short space of only three minutes, his post had already become a trending hot topic?! What kind of ridiculous speed is this! The replies were even more ridiculous. The top few comments all serendipitously asked if a good-looking boy was standing outside the bathroom?
Dai An momentarily froze, because he thought of Luo Li. So he swallowed his pride and replied, there were no good-looking boys standing outside, but there was a scarred man, does that count?
Then everyone began to lament that the author had some seriously weird taste in men etc, but then scarred men have their appeals too, how long have you had a crush on him?
Dai An took a deep breath, How could I be attracted to him!
The commentators all laughed, you should stop being so shy, most girls would have the same problem if the boy they liked stood outside their bathroom. Once you’ve successfully conquered him, the symptoms should slowly disappear so on and so forth.
This kind of discussion forums are even less reliable than the poster ads stuck over pedestrian crossings! Why does anyone even come here! Dai An was baffled. He very solemnly replied “I don’t like him at all!”
Everyone laughed again and quipped, you’re so cute when you deny what you really want. You must be a really shy and sweet girl, all innocent-like in a chequered miniskirt. If you really don’t have a crush on the scarred boy, then why don’t you go out with me? How tall are you? What size bra and panties do you wear? How much do you weigh?
WTF is this… Dai An gasped for air, and decisively clicked on the little red cross!
Can’t let this garbage discussion forum ruin my day!
Of course, the browser history must be deleted also!
When it came to hiding his tracks, Dai An was more than a little ahead of little Su Nuo.
A few minutes later, Luo Li opened the door. “It’s lunch time.”
Dai An immediately wrinkled his nose, “Why do you smell like cigarette smoke?”
“I didn’t smoke at all.” Luo Li innocently shrugged, “The internet cafe was full of cigarette smoke, there was nothing I could do.”
Dai An slowly got off the bed. Since Luo Li generously lent him his laptop, he decided to reluctantly tolerate the second-hand smoke.
“What do you want to eat?” Luo Li helped him put on his shoes.
“Noodles.” Dai An was easy to please. “The one near the front gate is fine.”
“Let’s go.” Luo Li helped him up.
“Thank you,” Dai An said politely. Even though he sometimes gets a little upset, he generally does not forget his manners.
“You’re welcome.” Mr Scarface smiled cheerfully. “The fee is two thousand per service, which equals sixteen hundred post-discount.”
Dai An stayed silent, The profiteer was truly despicable!
The noodle shop downstairs wasn’t very big, but their noodle soup was delicious, and they were not stingy on the sauce either! Dai An ordered stir-fried pork liver noodle soup, but looked hungrily at Luo Li’s sautéed shrimp noodle soup, thinking it might be tastier. But ordering two dishes seemed wasteful.
“Want to swap?” Luo Li asked.
“Is that possible?” the Royal Concubine enthused.
“Of course not.” Luo Li drank a big mouthful of soup, “It was just a question.”
Dai An was miserably thwarted. He shouldn’t have held any expectations for someone like Mr Scarface.
Halfway through the meal, Luo Li left to answer a phone call. Mr Manager childishly stole one of his shrimps.
“Beloved Royal Concubine!” Su Nuo exclaimed over the phone.
“Aren’t you supposed to be shooting a scene?” Dai An was a little puzzled.
“We’re about to eat.” Su Nuo asked, “How are things at home?”
“Nothing serious.” Dai An continued his theft of Mr Scarface’s shrimps, “You were right, Luo Li is super annoying!”
“Don’t spoil a wonderful meal by bringing him up!” Su Nuo said in disgust, then solemnly said, “Did he ask about me again?”
“It’s not that.” Dai An’s balls tightened.
“Then why did you bring him up?” Su Nuo was puzzled.
“Just venting.” Dai An put the last shrimp in his mouth.
“That’s right, he is super annoying!” Su Nuo solemnly agreed. “Maybe he’s a cross-dresser, and likes to wear big red panties!”
The Royal Concubine immediately thought of his own red Fuwa underwear, and calmly changed the topic, “Sir, you should go eat.”
“Ok, I’m hanging up, I’ll call you when I’m free.” Little Su Nuo was in a hurry to eat too! But bad phone reception meant he had to choose between his Beloved Royal Concubine and food. It wasn’t an easy choice!
After hanging up, Dai An continued eating his noodles. But when Luo Li came back to an empty bowl of soup, he almost had a stomach cramp from laughing.
Dai An calmly let out a burp.
Then on the same afternoon, Director Luo’s assistant received another inhumane text that his return date will be pushed out again.
The wretched assistant could only tearfully seek out the various deputy directors.
The hotel curtains were drawn and blocked out the light. Dai An took an afternoon nap while hugging his duvet, while Luo Li browsed the internet next to him.
Even though the Royal Concubine had wisely deleted his search history, how could he have known that Mr Scarface was an underground mafia, and his laptop wouldn’t have been an ordinary laptop!
So his urinary troubles were nakedly and unreservedly exposed in front of Luo Li, including all the responses from the various online commentators! So he laughed for another three minutes.
If he were being observant, he hasn’t stopped laughing since bringing Dai An out of the mountain!
“Why don’t you go laugh on your own bed!” The Royal Concubine was woken up by the bed shaking.
Luo Li started whistling.
……
Dai An gave him a baffled look, “You seem to be in a good mood?”
Luo Li grinned, “You reckon?”
Even idiots could tell he’s happy!
Dai An crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom. The whistling made him want to pee.
Just as he pulled down the zipper on his pants, before he managed to pee, Luo Li suddenly spoke outside the bathroom door, “What do you want to eat tonight?”
Dai An was aggrieved, “Do we have to discuss this while I’m using the bathroom?”
“Alright, I’ll wait for you to come out.” Luo Li whistled as he leaned on the door.
The soundproofing on the hotel bathroom was poor, and it didn’t even have a lock. So once again, Dai An Jr. broke down and had difficulties peeing!
After another three minutes, Dai An walked out with a pasty expression, and his knees buckled!
Luo Li caught him with his quick reflexes.
Just like the cliched setups from trashy romance novels, “the girl fell straight into the male lead’s lap”, it was super sweet!
“Are you unwell?” Luo Li knowingly asked, and helped him walk back to bed.
“It’s nothing.” The Royal Concubine despaired. If the last time he had trouble peeing was because he was frightened, then what’s the reason this time?
But I really didn’t overly masturbate!
Is there really something wrong with my prostate?
“What do you want for dinner?” Luo Li gently pinched his belly.
“I’m not hungry, you can eat by yourself.” Dai An had lost his appetite.
“What happened?” Luo Li was a jerk.
Because I have an unspeakable illness! The Royal Concubine looked dispirited.
“Alright, you can stay here.” Luo Li handed over his laptop. “Keep yourself busy. Once I finish up at the internet café, I will bring you takeaway.”
“Hmm.” Dai An wasn’t in the mood to hear what he had to say.
After Luo Li left, with a small ray of hope, Dai An searched the internet for urinary problems. Then he felt like peeing again!
He prepared himself for torment, but surprisingly he didn’t have any trouble this time. He felt great!
The dark haze from potential prostate problems immediately vanished. Dai An was elated at first, but then he became baffled after some further consideration.
Why was it that the problem would only appear when Mr Scarface is around?
What kind of absurd reason is this?
The sky suddenly darkened, lightning flashed and thunder roared outside the window, befitting the Royal Concubine’s mood.
“Do you want stir-fried rice noodles tonight?” Luo Li asked on the phone.
“Ok.” Dai An inexplicably wanted to hang up immediately!
“I’ll be back in twenty minutes.” Luo Li continued, “Beef marrow flavour or fish ball flavour?”
But the Royal Concubine had already hung up!
For the first time in his life, he lost his manners.
But what could he do!
He felt dizzy!
