Chapter 73
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"Yes!"
His answer was like I was doused with cold water. I can't think straight, my mind entangled on that mess of an answer.
"Yes," he continued, oblivious of the hurt I am feeling of his reply. "You know it hurt my ego that I wasn't the first. I missed that exhilarating feeling-"
I cut him there, unable to hear the hurtful words he's spewing, "So what are you trying to say? That you regret being with me? What about those promises you said to me? Those words you said, reassuring me that you don't care about it because you love me? Are all those bullshit?"
He was struck dumb for a second. His face contorted in confusion and anger. But I don't care. I was fuming mad now, tears of frustration slid down my face. I was so hurt, so f*cking hurt.
"Cassidy, I don't mean it that way.."
"You don't mean it that way? What could those words mean other than it's literal meaning? Because you know what, I believed you when you told me you'd still accept me. Hell, you even told me that your love has multiplied after I told you that secret. But here you are, saying you don't like that part of me. What happened Minho? Am I seeing two Minhos in this lifetime?"
"No Cassidy. Urgh I should not have said that.."
"Oh, so you want it to be better hidden? No. It was best that you said. At least I know now how you truly feel, what you truly think, who you really are - the judgmental person that you are."
I started clearing my things, ready to go. "I'm going home. We'll talk some other time. Cool that head of yours."
"Where are you going?"
"Your room. I'm getting my school stuff."
He didn't answer. I suppose he's still thinking of where our argument led to. I haven't even told him about Ethan, just the surface of us, and now he's blazing mad. I had faults, I admit, but what he said was so painful. I know he said it to me out of spite, but it still hurts. I was so hurt, I am still.
As soon as I got my things, I placed them in a bag and walked out of the living room, only to be stopped by Minho's hoarse, sad voice.
"Stay. Cassidy please."
I sighed. "We can't continue talking Minho if we're both hot-headed. I'll explain something, you'd flare up. And then it would lead to another wrong turn. Let's just cool things down a little bit, okay?"
"Are you breaking up with me?" anger lacing in his voice.
"See, that's what I'm talking about. You are angry again after something I said. That's what I'm avoiding. And no, I am not breaking up with you. I only said to cool things down a little, until we're ready to hear each other. No more anger because as I said, anger would worsen this situation. And I don't want that. I want us to both arrive at a mutual understanding."
"So, you're going home?"
"Yes."
He flared up again. "But that Ethan would be there! No, you stay here!"
"Don't you trust me?"
"No!"
My tears fell again. I am so hurt now Minho, please stop talking.
When he saw my tears, he was baffled. "No I mean. I don't trust him! He could do anything to you."
"Then trust me that I won't let him. And I'll call you if anything of what you're thinking will happen."
When he didn't react, I walked hurriedly towards the door and then the outside. I don't care that people would see me crying. The only thing I care is that I can get away from this sad place and cry my heart out. Cry because of guilt and of pain.
Oh God, what did I do? What happened to us?
How are we supposed to mend this?
***
I found my apartment still empty. Ethan might still be in the hospital or out partying. Well I don't care. I got my priorities now, and that's crying my heart out.
I placed my things in the living room, went inside my room and laid down. I stopped crying on my way here. And now that I'm here, I can't cry anymore. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, no thoughts playing in my mind. Just staring blankly at my stupid ceiling.
Hmmm, maybe I should put some mural over there, something happy. So that when I have these moments, it would lift my spirit up, even just for a little bit. Huh, that would be nice if only I have the skill to do something that grand. Well, I'd probably laugh if it is my own drawing, an amateur, ugly art. Hahahaha even thinking about it now makes me laugh.
And then I'm thinking, was it too quick for me to be in a relationship with him? I mean, we just met for what, 6 months, and now this.
But I love him, I so so love him. I'm definitely sure of that. Well, we're still getting to know more about each other. But this was the first that Minho lost control, and it breaks my heart that those were the things he thought or was thinking.
Maybe we should have been honest with each other. Maybe I should have taken the initiative to tell the truth first, and maybe he could have told me what he truly felt.
We were both wrong. So wrong. I hope we could fix this. I can't bear to see him leave me.
And the thought of him leaving me sent me crying. I cried and cried. I let all my frustrations, guilt, hurt and love out. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
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"Yes!"
His answer was like I was doused with cold water. I can't think straight, my mind entangled on that mess of an answer.
"Yes," he continued, oblivious of the hurt I am feeling of his reply. "You know it hurt my ego that I wasn't the first. I missed that exhilarating feeling-"
I cut him there, unable to hear the hurtful words he's spewing, "So what are you trying to say? That you regret being with me? What about those promises you said to me? Those words you said, reassuring me that you don't care about it because you love me? Are all those bullshit?"
He was struck dumb for a second. His face contorted in confusion and anger. But I don't care. I was fuming mad now, tears of frustration slid down my face. I was so hurt, so f*cking hurt.
"Cassidy, I don't mean it that way.."
"You don't mean it that way? What could those words mean other than it's literal meaning? Because you know what, I believed you when you told me you'd still accept me. Hell, you even told me that your love has multiplied after I told you that secret. But here you are, saying you don't like that part of me. What happened Minho? Am I seeing two Minhos in this lifetime?"
"No Cassidy. Urgh I should not have said that.."
"Oh, so you want it to be better hidden? No. It was best that you said. At least I know now how you truly feel, what you truly think, who you really are - the judgmental person that you are."
I started clearing my things, ready to go. "I'm going home. We'll talk some other time. Cool that head of yours."
"Where are you going?"
"Your room. I'm getting my school stuff."
He didn't answer. I suppose he's still thinking of where our argument led to. I haven't even told him about Ethan, just the surface of us, and now he's blazing mad. I had faults, I admit, but what he said was so painful. I know he said it to me out of spite, but it still hurts. I was so hurt, I am still.
As soon as I got my things, I placed them in a bag and walked out of the living room, only to be stopped by Minho's hoarse, sad voice.
"Stay. Cassidy please."
I sighed. "We can't continue talking Minho if we're both hot-headed. I'll explain something, you'd flare up. And then it would lead to another wrong turn. Let's just cool things down a little bit, okay?"
"Are you breaking up with me?" anger lacing in his voice.
"See, that's what I'm talking about. You are angry again after something I said. That's what I'm avoiding. And no, I am not breaking up with you. I only said to cool things down a little, until we're ready to hear each other. No more anger because as I said, anger would worsen this situation. And I don't want that. I want us to both arrive at a mutual understanding."
"So, you're going home?"
"Yes."
He flared up again. "But that Ethan would be there! No, you stay here!"
"Don't you trust me?"
"No!"
My tears fell again. I am so hurt now Minho, please stop talking.
When he saw my tears, he was baffled. "No I mean. I don't trust him! He could do anything to you."
"Then trust me that I won't let him. And I'll call you if anything of what you're thinking will happen."
When he didn't react, I walked hurriedly towards the door and then the outside. I don't care that people would see me crying. The only thing I care is that I can get away from this sad place and cry my heart out. Cry because of guilt and of pain.
Oh God, what did I do? What happened to us?
How are we supposed to mend this?
***
I found my apartment still empty. Ethan might still be in the hospital or out partying. Well I don't care. I got my priorities now, and that's crying my heart out.
I placed my things in the living room, went inside my room and laid down. I stopped crying on my way here. And now that I'm here, I can't cry anymore. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, no thoughts playing in my mind. Just staring blankly at my stupid ceiling.
Hmmm, maybe I should put some mural over there, something happy. So that when I have these moments, it would lift my spirit up, even just for a little bit. Huh, that would be nice if only I have the skill to do something that grand. Well, I'd probably laugh if it is my own drawing, an amateur, ugly art. Hahahaha even thinking about it now makes me laugh.
And then I'm thinking, was it too quick for me to be in a relationship with him? I mean, we just met for what, 6 months, and now this.
But I love him, I so so love him. I'm definitely sure of that. Well, we're still getting to know more about each other. But this was the first that Minho lost control, and it breaks my heart that those were the things he thought or was thinking.
Maybe we should have been honest with each other. Maybe I should have taken the initiative to tell the truth first, and maybe he could have told me what he truly felt.
We were both wrong. So wrong. I hope we could fix this. I can't bear to see him leave me.
And the thought of him leaving me sent me crying. I cried and cried. I let all my frustrations, guilt, hurt and love out. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
"Yes!"His answer was like I was doused with cold water. I can't think straight, my mind entangled on that mess of an answer."Yes," he continued, oblivious of the hurt I am feeling of his reply. "You know it hurt my ego that I wasn't the first. I missed that exhilarating feeling-"I cut him there, unable to hear the hurtful words he's spewing, "So what are you trying to say? That you regret being with me? What about those promises you said to me? Those words you said, reassuring me that you don't care about it because you love me? Are all those bullshit?"He was struck dumb for a second. His face contorted in confusion and anger. But I don't care. I was fuming mad now, tears of frustration slid down my face. I was so hurt, so f*cking hurt."Cassidy, I don't mean it that way..""You don't mean it that way? What could those words mean other than it's literal meaning? Because you know what, I believed you when you told me you'd still accept me. Hell, you even told me that your love has multiplied after I told you that secret. But here you are, saying you don't like that part of me. What happened Minho? Am I seeing two Minhos in this lifetime?""No Cassidy. Urgh I should not have said that..""Oh, so you want it to be better hidden? No. It was best that you said. At least I know now how you truly feel, what you truly think, who you really are - the judgmental person that you are."I started clearing my things, ready to go. "I'm going home. We'll talk some other time. Cool that head of yours.""Where are you going?""Your room. I'm getting my school stuff."He didn't answer. I suppose he's still thinking of where our argument led to. I haven't even told him about Ethan, just the surface of us, and now he's blazing mad. I had faults, I admit, but what he said was so painful. I know he said it to me out of spite, but it still hurts. I was so hurt, I am still.As soon as I got my things, I placed them in a bag and walked out of the living room, only to be stopped by Minho's hoarse, sad voice."Stay. Cassidy please."I sighed. "We can't continue talking Minho if we're both hot-headed. I'll explain something, you'd flare up. And then it would lead to another wrong turn. Let's just cool things down a little bit, okay?""Are you breaking up with me?" anger lacing in his voice."See, that's what I'm talking about. You are angry again after something I said. That's what I'm avoiding. And no, I am not breaking up with you. I only said to cool things down a little, until we're ready to hear each other. No more anger because as I said, anger would worsen this situation. And I don't want that. I want us to both arrive at a mutual understanding.""So, you're going home?""Yes."He flared up again. "But that Ethan would be there! No, you stay here!""Don't you trust me?""No!"My tears fell again. I am so hurt now Minho, please stop talking.When he saw my tears, he was baffled. "No I mean. I don't trust him! He could do anything to you.""Then trust me that I won't let him. And I'll call you if anything of what you're thinking will happen."When he didn't react, I walked hurriedly towards the door and then the outside. I don't care that people would see me crying. The only thing I care is that I can get away from this sad place and cry my heart out. Cry because of guilt and of pain.Oh God, what did I do? What happened to us?How are we supposed to mend this?***I found my apartment still empty. Ethan might still be in the hospital or out partying. Well I don't care. I got my priorities now, and that's crying my heart out.I placed my things in the living room, went inside my room and laid down. I stopped crying on my way here. And now that I'm here, I can't cry anymore. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, no thoughts playing in my mind. Just staring blankly at my stupid ceiling.Hmmm, maybe I should put some mural over there, something happy. So that when I have these moments, it would lift my spirit up, even just for a little bit. Huh, that would be nice if only I have the skill to do something that grand. Well, I'd probably laugh if it is my own drawing, an amateur, ugly art. Hahahaha even thinking about it now makes me laugh.And then I'm thinking, was it too quick for me to be in a relationship with him? I mean, we just met for what, 6 months, and now this.But I love him, I so so love him. I'm definitely sure of that. Well, we're still getting to know more about each other. But this was the first that Minho lost control, and it breaks my heart that those were the things he thought or was thinking.Maybe we should have been honest with each other. Maybe I should have taken the initiative to tell the truth first, and maybe he could have told me what he truly felt.We were both wrong. So wrong. I hope we could fix this. I can't bear to see him leave me.And the thought of him leaving me sent me crying. I cried and cried. I let all my frustrations, guilt, hurt and love out. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
