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Published at 14th of August 2019 05:40:07 AM

Chapter 40

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"Gentleman . Today we celebrate the bountiful harvest the Great Divine, namely me, has deigned to bless us with . Braving great danger to acquire, turning even against my own kin so that you may enjoy a once in a lifetime opportunity . Praise be to me, Water God Solaire . Amen . "

I clapped my hands together while holding a cigar firmly between my teeth, talking through clenched jaws . The small room was barely lit and all around were puffs of sweet, delicious smoke .

"Praise be . " Cass coughed . He half-assedly offered prayer with red-rimmed eyes .

"May your high never fall, brother Cass . " I held a hand to his forehead . "I bless you with pot eternal . "

The man had tears in his eyes . "My Lord!"

I nodded sagely . "The munchies are upon me . I require sustenance . Go, my son . Fetch me a sammich . "

WIth dull eyes, he nodded . Got up . And promptly fell on his ass .

The King giggled . "Oh man . He's fucked up . " Ignoring the fact he was totally baked himself .

I looked at him in astonishment . "Holy…look at the size of that joint . . . Alex . " I hugged the boy from behind . " Bro . We gotta smoke this . Let's smoke it, okay? We can share . GImme a torch . "

Alex was staring at his father with a crazed look . "The Great DIvine Roll . " He whispered reveringly .

"YES!! I am the Divine Roll! Bow, mortals!" The King babbled deliriously . "You shall never know the taste of my succulent Holy Herbs! Never!" And hopped right into the air . Then fell over, smashing his face against the floor . His nose was bloody, an aura of great rage and injustice springing up from his very depths . "Dammit! I'll never forgive you, gravity!"

" . . . . Your Majesty, even you? The cancer has spread to the highest echelons of our society . " Jacob shook his head . "It's worse than I thought . " He held a wet towel to his mouth and nose . "Alright, it's time for you guys to come out . The girls are worried . " He grabbed my shoulder .

"Hot…" My breaths came in ragged pants . I could feel the incredible might of the holy herbs coursing through my veins . Imbuing me with all the powers of a stonie . "It's so hot!" I tore at my clothes, breaking free of my mortal coils . "Freedom…"

I popped a weird golden cherry into my mouth . It burst open with rich juices . The world rocked .

Suddenly Jacob's fine head of hair changed colors .

"Mary…" I muttered .

The woman smiled naughtily . "Come, my love . . . ravish me…"

She appeared to me like a Goddess, naked and flushed red, hearts in her eyes .

"I want you so bad, beloved… hurry . . . now…"

"We . . . we shouldn't . . . Baz is my bro… . " I looked away .

Baz, laying on a couch, lifted his head . "Huh? What's that?"

"He can watch . " Mary laughed . "Don't worry about him . I want you inside me, Master . " She moaned erotically . Her left hand gently kneaded one breast while the other traveled downward . The blush on her face grew . Her mouth opened and a cute little tongue could be seen .

She bit at her lips seductively, making me swallow .

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I dusted myself off and readjusted an imaginary tie . "Challenge accepted . "

It was time for the Devil's Left and God's RIght to join forces . Baz, forgive me . I'll have to go all out . . . just this once . Maybe several times .

Poor Mary, she'll never be the same . But creating a masochistic yandere with the power to teleport is just the price one must pay for a good smash .

" . . . Get your goddamn hands off me . " Jacob's cold voice was like a tub of ice water washing over me .

Wait . I'm wet .

This fucker .

"Huh . That's new . " He commented . " The water turned to frost . "

I cried in bone-deep sadness, regret, and rage . "NO! Mary, come back!"

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Baz stared with squinted eyes . "Mother was here?"

"My Mary…" I lamented . But my lovely was gone . Replaced by Jacob's ugly mug . "YOU!" I hissed . "You took her from me! Off with your head!"

"Milly! I need you!" I raised an arm . My voice shook the heavens and earth, calling my loyal weapon to my side .

Just then Milly cut through solid stone and flew to my hand . Tendrils of gold, silver, blue and faint hints of red exploded forth . They writhed about violently .

My head cleared in an instant .

"Fuck!" I threw the Holy Sword to the ground . "You ruined my high! Damn useless pigsticker . . . knew I should've left you behind . . . nothing but trouble . "

A series of lights began to emit from the Holy sword, as if to say, "I'll do better, I promise!"

The smoke entered my nostrils and caused a wave of emotions . I felt hot tears pour down my face .

"Oh, my poor baby . I didn't mean that . Papa's sorry . " I picked up the Holy Sword and held it to my chest .

My hands got nicked . The clarity returned . "Son of a bitch, you cut me? And the high's gone again! Agh! I hate you to death! What are you even good for?"

Milly's light dimmed tragically .

" . . . Tsk . Can't even turn into a loli . " I spat . I looked at it's faint glows and sighed . "What kinda Holy Sword can't even turn into a loli? . . . Alright, I'm really sorry this time . I didn't mean it . Come on . After I get some food in me we can go out and smite heretics, okay? . . . Wait, that's tomorrow . Crap, what time is it? Jake, we gotta go . "

Jacob, a handsome youth clad in leather armor and a brown cloak, set his eyes on the others in the room . Alex, who was gulping as he stared at his father hopping around . Cass, calmly achieving enlightenment . And Baz who was…

"Jake, am I still high? Why's Vee here?" Yes . The green-haired girl was currently in the room with a cloth to her face, much like Jacob, slapping her brother back into sobriety . Or attempting to .

"No . I see her too . "

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"Oh . Good . Hey, Vee, good news!" I waved .

She shot me a glance . And froze .

I tilted my head quizzically .

"Um . Vee?" Why's this kid looking at me like that? It was unnerving .

I heard a new voice join . "See, Min? I told you Master had a sword on his body . You didn't believe me . But it looks even bigger than it did before . . . . I wonder why?" Evie knit her brows as if trying to solve some great mystery . She then exclaimed, " Min, why are you hitting your head on the wall again? You'll get hurt . "

"I deserve the pain!" The woman replied .

"How vulgar . " Charlotte's tone dripped with disdain . "Not only a drug addict, but a streaker too . And he's even corrupting our house's Al . . . wait, brother? What're you doing here with these guys? "

The King was chewing on a coca leaf . "The Divine Roll will devour these lesser herbs and make them apart of it's glorious self!" In case it wasn't clear, he was still in joint form . He was a giant rolled up blunt with a head . Quickly munching away at my herbs and spices .

Charlotte seemed deeply disturbed and quietly walked out .

I looked around at the various remaining women who'd entered the room . Apart from Lottie and Vee, Yesmina and Bubbles had also barged in . The three were just quietly staring from afar . Especially the last two .

I calmly laid the flat of Milly's blade across my shoulder .

"For the record, I'm not a druggie . This is for the sake of art . " I took a pose . "Baz, continue . "

The boy coughed out puffs of purple clouds, extended a finger, and proceeded to trace a stick figure on his hand while constantly looking up . Moving around me as if to gain the perfect angle .

Meanwhile .

"Uh-huh . " Bubbles smirked . She's so cute when she did that . "And all the smoke? The burning leaves?"

" . . . Incense . "

We were flooded .


"Alright, my band of not-so-merry men . We're going on a quest for beer and meat . Today we will feast like your average American at a Golden Corral . "

"Don't you mean 'like KIngs'?" Lucy, who was finally unrolled and forced sober by the magical cleansing properties(?) of Bubbles' water, asked .

"Nope . Americans eat more, and better . You've never been to a good all-you-can eat buffet, but trust me, it'amazing . I forced myself to go to one once . The memory haunts me to this day . We need to achieve one-tenth of the happiness and satisfaction I found that day . "

"I've several questions . " Bubbles raised an arm like a student, fitting her youthful appearance perfectly .

Jacob took it upon himself to lower it for her . "Don't bother . He says weird stuff all the time . Just roll with it . "

"Please never say the word roll in my presence ever again . " Lucius said sourly . "Being kidnapped is one thing, but not even Elias had ever drugged me and made me think I was a giant sentient joint before . "

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"Thanks . "

The man glared . "That wasn't a compliment . " He grit his teeth . "And what are we doing messing around? This KIng came to kill cultists and fuck their wives . While their husbands' heads watch mounted on pikes . "

I clapped his back . "Hmm . Too dark . "

"I came to behead cultists and line their impaled corpses outside their own hideouts as warning to their brethren . "

"Perfect . "

We walked in a large group, men and girls alike . Traveling through the streets of Ko as if we owned the place . And one of us sorta did, in a way . Moving with all the intention of raiding the entire pantry of whatever place would serve us .

"That seems like a fine establishment . Let's eat there . " I pointed to a tavern with bright lights and cobbled walls .

I passed Cass a big bag of silver . "Pay for the feast . Make sure everyone has a good time . "

"Where're you headin'?"

I turned to Vera and Jacob who were sharing a look as they noticed my gaze upon them .

"Day's Matchmaking Service has some red strings to tie . "

And I got a hot date of my own I put together . One far overdue .

Cass followed my eyes . "It's going to blow back in your face, watch . "

"Says the guy who's number of years alive equal the amount of years he's been single . "

"By choice . There's a difference between having commitment issues and being unable to get a woman . "

"Sure, sure . " I walked away . WIth plans of finally taking Minnie out on a date in mind I waved the two, along with Minerva and, of course, Evie, over . The first two approached me cautiously and I draped my arms around their shoulders, connecting us together .

"Let's us five find a place a bit more classy, eh?"

While running Bubbles through the city I found several choice restaurants for potential couples .


So I dropped them off at a three-story building called the Desert Jewel, which was a pretty arrogant name if you ask me, but the food looked decent and the ambiance was quiet and mellow with warm lighting . It was a perfect place for the two to talk and spark a good mood .

"Jake, you know Vee, don't you? Why don't you guys sit here and talk? We'll find another table . " I'd said, taking Minnie and Evie and sneakily slipping out moments later .

"Master, are you sure that's a good idea?" Minnie looked back at the restaurant worryingly .

"I got a feeling those two will hit it off famously . "

Jacob was a good friend of mine . By that, I mean he was one of those who were actually "good," unlike that lying, cheating, no-good bastard WIll . Great friends, both of them, but Jake was also a good guy in addition .

Vera never really met and hung around any of my friends besides Phil, so they didn't know each other before now . If anything, this was a blind date . Set by Yours Truly .

I did feel they would get along splendidly too, honestly . Unlike Phil, Jacob was made of stronger stuff . I thought he could easily handle Vee's vicious tongue whenever it may rear it's poisonous head .

Besides, Vee's a softie deep down anyway . She deserves a nice dude like Jake, yeah? They'd be a perfect match if he could get the kid to just be more honest .

And anyway, I certainly ain't a good match for her . Heck, even if I do wait a couple years for her to grow up, I'm basically insane . Gots me a whole lot of beheadings under my belt, can't lie . And what sorta person can do that and still be this chipper?

A psychopath, that's who! Objectively speaking . Sure I feel those beheadings were justified, but that's just the zealot in me talking .

A pure-hearted maiden like Vera deserves someone waaaaayyyy better than this Big Bro . Someone less trigger-happy and more morally sound .

What about Minnie, you ask? Well fuck, mates, she and E been strongarming people into joining a cult! My cult, specifically . Them girls are dark . Nice faces, but total zealots themselves . Just like me .

Not that I find that bad, mind you . I like a little crazy in a woman . Makes things interesting, yeah?

Yanderes are love . Yanderes are life .

WIthin reason, obviously . May have said it before, but you do not want a School Days yandere on your hands . That's what people mean when they say don't stick your dick in crazy . Those fake, killer yanderes giving all yanderes a bad name . . . they can all burn and die .

Go homicidal on other people, not the one you're obsessively in love with . They should be the last people you wanna shank .

But I digress .

Yeah, MIn's got just the right amount of crazy in her . And you may say any bit of crazy is too much crazy, but it suits me just fine .

Together we shall carve out a paradise for all the Furry-Eared Ones! . . . Yup . I'm starting to come around to the idea of a kIngdom . Just, maybe not here . I still like the idea of going to the World Tree .

I hope Mary's fine with us all living under her nice, e x t r a t h i c c . . . foliage . I was gonna say foliage .

Minnie might be my wife in the future . But I realize now that it is Mary who shall always be the goddess of my heart .

"Let's just concentrate on us . " I finished . I gave Evie's shoulder a squeeze and held a hand at Minnie's back, guiding them both to a nice pond Bubbles mentioned when I asked her for some romantic spots to explore .

Apparently this particular body of water is home to phosphorescent algae and fish that glow with haunting beauty at night .

And to me, that's an ideal place for some good ol' romance .

Evie was a third wheel? Pfft . Shows what you know . Earning points with both of them at the same time means "family bonding . "

You get in good with their kids and you're already halfway there . You need to make them think, "He'd make such a good Papa…" and their mothers will in turn be thinking, "He'd make such a good husband . "

Now . The gang's feasting in preparation for tomorrow's Great Hunt . Vee and jacob are likely staring soulfully into each other's eyes are we speak .

As for me, I've got a mother to seduce and a child to adopt . Also my drugs survived Bubbles, so I'll be planting them soon .

A beautiful cat-eared waifu, a cute succubus loli to spoil and all the Divine Herbs a man can dream of .

Life is good, boys . Life is good . Oh yeah .

It's all comin' together .

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