Unedited.. I will edit later. I am really busy these days so sorry for the long wait . Is anyone still reading this?
Would it be possible to go back to the past and never face this present?
I asked myself – what future was I hoping for with this person?
But I knew, even if the future would prove difficult for us, I still wanted to have him there with me.
Because he was Ye Zhengchen, my first love, my shattered dream.
Sweet and bitter in equal measure, what I had with him was beyond anything I had ever felt elsewhere.
“ Go to sleep, don’t think too much. Take a break now.” He leaned on me as he lay me down on the bed.
“ What about you?”, I asked.
“I’ll sleep on the sofa”, he looked at me evilly and grinned, “of course, if you want me to share your bed, I don’t mind.”
As I watched him get up from the bed and walk towards the closet to get a quilt, I murmured, “It’s cold, you can easily catch a cold..”
I knew he would not be able to sleep on the couch. A few days earlier, I had heard him tossing and turning in the couch all night, struggling to make himself comfortable.
“ Don’t you have other friends in Nanzhou?”
“ I don’t like sleeping in other people’s bed”.
I thought he was rejecting my offer when he added, “Except for yours”
I wanted to tell him that if he could guarantee that he would behave himself, I could share my bed with him.
But I carefully pondered over the words and wondered if they may seem thoughtlessly provoking. So I kept quiet.
******* *******
I was exhausted but I could not sleep. I knew that Ye Zhengchen could not sleep either as he kept tossing an turning, accompanied by the squeaks of the springs in my couch.
I was wondering whether to offer to share my bed with him when I heard almost silent footsteps. The door to the bedroom was then opened and Ye Zhengchen walked in carrying a pillow and blanket. He sat down on my bed.
I opened my eyes and stared at him, “What are you doing?”
“ It’s too cold outside”, he pushed my pillow to the side and placed his pillow in the space vacated, “anyway, this bed is too big for one person.”
“ Will you promise to behave yourself so that I can sleep?”
“ I will try,” he thought for a long time before he gave me this ambiguous answer.
“ If you can’t behave yourself..”
He immediately interrupted me, “If I can’t sleep, neither will you.”
Hmm… that made sense.
In the dark night, the only source of light were the fragments of moonlight filtering through the drawn curtains.
I turned my head quietly and looked at him. He was still fully clothed except for the overcoat. He seemed to have fallen asleep. I could hear his deep breathing. The moonlight highlighted is long lashes. I didn’t want to fall asleep. I feared that when I woke up, I would realise all of this would be a dream.
“ If you keep looking at me like this, I cannot guarantee anything”, he murmured as his hand reached under the quilt and held my hand, his fingers interlocking with mine.
I closed my eyes, a sweet smile curving in my lips and soon fell asleep
But I dreamt. I dreamt that Zhong Tim was standing helplessly on the street, his head slumped back in defeat.
I tried to walk towards him but I could not. I called out his name, “ Zhong Tim,Zhong Tim..”
But he did not look back
I called out again, “ Tim Tim, how can I help you?”
The lights suddenly went out and everything turned dark.
In the pitch black darkness, I could hear Ye Zhengchen’s voice whispering to me, “ You are willing to sleep with someone else, you are willing t marry me… what else are you willing to do for the benefit of Zhong Tim?”
My heart tightened, my head was hurting.
I had fallen into a terrible nightmare and had cried out in my sleep.
Then he pulled me in a warm embrace, “ Does’nt matter. You are mine anyway.”
I can’t remember who told me that when a person repeatedly says the same thing, it is a way of affirmation to himself. In other words, it was something he would like to believe was true, but probably something he was very doubtful of. “ You are mine anyway..”, as I listened to him repeat this sentence again, I broke away from my nightmare and opened my eyes, staring at the darkness.
I hadn’t slept with a man in the last three years. When I suddenly opened my eyes and found myself curled against a man’s chest, I panicked and instinctively pushed hard against him.
Unedited.. I will edit later. I am really busy these days so sorry for the long wait . Is anyone still reading this?
Would it be possible to go back to the past and never face this present?
I asked myself – what future was I hoping for with this person?
But I knew, even if the future would prove difficult for us, I still wanted to have him there with me.
Because he was Ye Zhengchen, my first love, my shattered dream.
Sweet and bitter in equal measure, what I had with him was beyond anything I had ever felt elsewhere.
“ Go to sleep, don’t think too much. Take a break now.” He leaned on me as he lay me down on the bed.
“ What about you?”, I asked.
“I’ll sleep on the sofa”, he looked at me evilly and grinned, “of course, if you want me to share your bed, I don’t mind.”
As I watched him get up from the bed and walk towards the closet to get a quilt, I murmured, “It’s cold, you can easily catch a cold..”
I knew he would not be able to sleep on the couch. A few days earlier, I had heard him tossing and turning in the couch all night, struggling to make himself comfortable.
“ Don’t you have other friends in Nanzhou?”
“ I don’t like sleeping in other people’s bed”.
I thought he was rejecting my offer when he added, “Except for yours”
I wanted to tell him that if he could guarantee that he would behave himself, I could share my bed with him.
But I carefully pondered over the words and wondered if they may seem thoughtlessly provoking. So I kept quiet.
******* *******
I was exhausted but I could not sleep. I knew that Ye Zhengchen could not sleep either as he kept tossing an turning, accompanied by the squeaks of the springs in my couch.
I was wondering whether to offer to share my bed with him when I heard almost silent footsteps. The door to the bedroom was then opened and Ye Zhengchen walked in carrying a pillow and blanket. He sat down on my bed.
I opened my eyes and stared at him, “What are you doing?”
“ It’s too cold outside”, he pushed my pillow to the side and placed his pillow in the space vacated, “anyway, this bed is too big for one person.”
“ Will you promise to behave yourself so that I can sleep?”
“ I will try,” he thought for a long time before he gave me this ambiguous answer.
“ If you can’t behave yourself..”
He immediately interrupted me, “If I can’t sleep, neither will you.”
Hmm… that made sense.
In the dark night, the only source of light were the fragments of moonlight filtering through the drawn curtains.
I turned my head quietly and looked at him. He was still fully clothed except for the overcoat. He seemed to have fallen asleep. I could hear his deep breathing. The moonlight highlighted is long lashes. I didn’t want to fall asleep. I feared that when I woke up, I would realise all of this would be a dream.
“ If you keep looking at me like this, I cannot guarantee anything”, he murmured as his hand reached under the quilt and held my hand, his fingers interlocking with mine.
I closed my eyes, a sweet smile curving in my lips and soon fell asleep
But I dreamt. I dreamt that Zhong Tim was standing helplessly on the street, his head slumped back in defeat.
I tried to walk towards him but I could not. I called out his name, “ Zhong Tim,Zhong Tim..”
But he did not look back
I called out again, “ Tim Tim, how can I help you?”
The lights suddenly went out and everything turned dark.
In the pitch black darkness, I could hear Ye Zhengchen’s voice whispering to me, “ You are willing to sleep with someone else, you are willing t marry me… what else are you willing to do for the benefit of Zhong Tim?”
My heart tightened, my head was hurting.
I had fallen into a terrible nightmare and had cried out in my sleep.
Then he pulled me in a warm embrace, “ Does’nt matter. You are mine anyway.”
I can’t remember who told me that when a person repeatedly says the same thing, it is a way of affirmation to himself. In other words, it was something he would like to believe was true, but probably something he was very doubtful of. “ You are mine anyway..”, as I listened to him repeat this sentence again, I broke away from my nightmare and opened my eyes, staring at the darkness.
I hadn’t slept with a man in the last three years. When I suddenly opened my eyes and found myself curled against a man’s chest, I panicked and instinctively pushed hard against him.
