Two
When I woke the next morning, the skies were lit with a faint brightness.
I often slept late and woke early, and this was one of the things which made Gao Fei unhappy with me. Because when I had first married him, I was still a self-absorbed child who acted wilfully without thinking about how my actions would affect another person.
As I did not like to stay in bed, out of habit, as I left bed each morning, my movements were clumsy and loud. Each time Gao Fei was awoken by me, he would turn to stare at me. His gaze was sharp as a knife and his voice cold as an arrow, as though afraid that even a part of me would escape his displeasure.
He said, 'Even if you had nothing to do at home all day long, could you be more considerate to the sleep required by others?'
When he said these words, I remained smiling, my smile brilliant. I firmly believed that my smile could eclipse even the radiance of the morning sun, except no matter how widely I smiled, I could never warm Gao Fei's heart.
I clung onto him and said, 'Did I wake you up? I'll take note of it in future. You have good rest - I'm going to make breakfast.' Then I delivered to him his morning kiss. Each time I did that, Gao Fei would close his eyes, wipe away my saliva, before turning his head away to continue sleeping.
Perhaps it was because my movements were quiet today that Gao Fei did not wake up. He was still sleeping, his bare arm slung across the quilt, back presented towards me. Carefully, I sat up, leaning over to observe him. As I stared at his face, I could not control myself, leaning over to place a gentle kiss on his face. Yet in my heart, I was shouting, 'Gao Fei, I love you. In this world, no one will love you as much as I do.'
After this stolen kiss, my heart was content.
I left the bed to prepare his breakfast.
Gao Fei loved soy sauce noodles. A bowl of noodles and some sauce was all that was needed to make him happy. I remember the first time I invited him out as friends, I had booked a table at the best restaurant in the city, hoping to have a good meal with him.
But my Gao Fei was so adorable and courteous and understanding. He did not put on any airs.
He stood in front of me, dressed in a white shirt and casual pants, simple and neat. As his gaze shifted, taking in the resplendent inner hall of the restaurant, he laughed lightly, then said, 'Miss He, we shouldn't eat here.'
I was intoxicated within his laugh, but mistook his words as an attempt to shirk away from our dinner, so I hurriedly said, 'It's alright, it's alright.' I was extremely anxious.
But Gao Fei continued, 'Why do you have to spend so much when you're not even treating your boss to a meal? This meal would cost us half our salaries for the month. Somewhere simpler will do. Of course, if Miss He is proposing this meal as a business engagement, then I will accept.'
Ah, you see, Gao Fei, how could my heart remain unmoved? Did you know that the person who stood in front of you had the wealth needed in letting you dine on such exorbitant meals in the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year? So, Gao Fei, you also have to bear part of the responsibility in my falling for you.
If you were not so accomplished and talented, if you were more materialistic, just like all the other men in this world, how could I have fallen for you? For what reason would I have resorted to such unscrupulous ways to obtain your heart?
The soy sauce noodles were simple and delicious but difficult to make. In the beginning, when learning to cook it, you could say that I had wasted over fifty kilograms worth of noodles. Every day, researching the ways in cooking Gao Fei's favourite dishes became the only hobby I had.
Everyone said that practice makes perfect. Fortunately, the Heavens did not disappoint someone as persistent as me. Although Gao Fei had never praised the noodles which I made, I was still able to discern from the little expressions he displayed that he was satisfied.
To make soy sauce noodles, there were two important points to note. First, the noodles must be chewy, and second, the soy sauce must retain its original flavour - they had to be fragrant but not oily. Although I used the best noodles, the duration I boiled them and the intensity of the flames were factors I had to learn. Cook them in excess and the noodles would become soft as flour, but undercook them and the noodles will become too hard.
As for the soy sauce, in order to maximise their freshness, I often made them myself. Using the middle heat as I heated up the pot, I would then add some oil and shelled peanuts, stir-frying them until most of the peanuts turned golden-brown. Together with sugar and sesame oil, I would mix them and continue to stir them until the sauce achieved a consistent texture.
Whenever I cooked, I did not feel like I was only making a bowl of noodles. Instead, it felt like a work of art to me, encapsulating in the simplest form my strong love for Gao Fei. Without the gift of the gab, other than telling Gao Fei I loved him over and over again, this was the only other thing I could do to express my feelings.
When it was time, the plate inlaid with golden flower trimmings was already warm with soy-sauce noodles, its fragrance wafting across the room. There was no garnish on the noodles, because Gao Fei did not like onion or garlic, and did not even take chopped green onions.
I placed the plate down and returned to the bedroom for a cup of water. When I returned, Gao Fei was already standing in the dining room, his left hand fixing the buttons of his right sleeve cuffs. He did not look at me, his eyes on the bowl of noodles. Then he pulled a chair over and sat down.
I placed the cup of water in front of him, hoping that he would say a word of praise. Within this entire city, he was the only person who I was willing to enter the kitchen and sacrifice my sleep for.
Actually, there was no need for me to do all these. From the day I married him, my father had spent a huge sum of money in hiring several domestic helpers. Within and around the house, they were there to attend to all our household chores. For the first time in my twenty years of life, I had left home, away from the sheltered comforts my father had provided for me, so how could he bear for me to do any chores?
But I had only shaken my head then, dismissing all the hired servants.
Gao Fei, you are the only person I want in this world, and I am willing to become a He Yujin that you will love.
Gao Fei, did you ever realise that I did all these only because I wanted a word of praise from you?
But Gao Fei never once said such words to me. As he saw me stare at him, he placed his chopsticks down and said in displeasure, 'Miss He, is there anything you needed from me in this early morning?'
In the recent days, the number of times he addressed me so formally had increased. Without reason, a flutter of anxiousness rose within my heart, and I furiously shook my head, fighting back my tears. I quickly sat down on the seat facing him, smiling before I lifted my head again.
'No, Gao Fei, did you taste anything different with today's noodles?'
He looked at me, before shaking his head in irritation. 'No!'
I murmured in assent.
Today, I had added vinegar instead of soy sauce, so how could you not taste anything different? Did living with me make your entire life so colourless to the extent that even the food you ate all tasted bland?
Very soon, Gao Fei finished his meal, and returned to the bedroom to dress. I did not care about my own bowl of noodles and followed behind him. As I opened the door, Gao Fei happened to be changing his pants, and his whole body was only clothed with a pair of white underwear. He stared at me. For a moment, it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but he soon turned away, his back towards me.
But I knew what it was that Gao Fei had wanted to say, for he had already said them to me multiple times in the past.
He said that he disliked the way I watched him while he dressed.
He said that he disliked the way I stared at him as we made love. Either he was reckless, violent, as he took me, until, finally, I closed my eyes, or he would cover my eyes with his palms, leaving me in darkness.
But I was just like a young child who could never be taught. When he said these words, I only laughed. Powerless, he could only let me do as I pleased.
I went to the wardrobe and helped him to retrieve his clothes. Then I handed him his tie.
That's right. I only did such ridiculous things to have the chance to help him knot his tie.
In face of my stubbornness, there was nothing Gao Fei could do. Oftentimes, apart from loathing, the only other emotion he felt towards me was helplessness - a powerlessness which was carved deep into his bones, a weakness which he wished to erase from his life.
And I - I clung onto his silver of powerlessness to obtain a fraction of his attention.
Carefully, I helped him to fix his tie, smoothing out the creases. As I lifted my head to look at Gao Fei, unsurprisingly, I saw that he was not looking at me. Seeing that I was done, he took a step backwards and headed for the study to retrieve his briefcase.
Gao Fei left for work, and the room instantly transformed into a desolate mansion. The yellow sun which flitted through the arches of the French windows did not lend any warmth to the room. I stared at the table of breakfast which I had prepared, and as I had no appetite I tossed them all away.
To be fair, Lanlan was right.
For what reason did I wish to live in such a large house? And for what reason did I yearn to live with such a man?
Lanlan's most common sentence was: He Yujin, you're actually very beautiful. Even if the Emperor did not care for you, there is no need for you to look for a poor scholar who treated you coldly. You were born a princess, and should have lived your life in the envy of others.
Each time she said these words, I could not help but laugh.
Lanlan was the only friend I had, but do not be mistaken to think that she was someone who valued class statuses. She did not come from a good family background, and belonged to the working class. Her university fees were paid for by her own effort, and her family could not even compare to Gao Fei's.
She had only said these words because she felt unjust on my behalf. I loved Gao Fei with all my heart, but Gao Fei never once acknowledged me, choosing to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to this love. Feeling it, but never enjoying it; accepting it, but never returning it.
I remember, one day, when Lanlan had too much to drink, she confessed by my ears, 'Ah Yu, if there existed a person who would love me a fraction the way you loved Gao Fei, I would follow him with no regrets.'
Lanlan said that because of how deeply she yearned to be loved, as long as that person would shower on her the faintest glimmers of affection, even if all that remained were only bitterness and sadness, she would still be able to endure them.
There was a saying: as long as you are willing to take even one step forward, let me be the one to walk the remaining nine hundred and ninety-nine steps.
For the first time in my life, my only friend had confessed to me her deepest wish. I was caught off-guard, but after I recovered my thoughts, I then set about in using all the means I had to force the man she loved to take the first step forward.
Only, before the man Lanlan loved had even made the first move, Lanlan herself had already taken the step forward to cut off all ties with me.
She stood in front of me as she shouted, 'He Yujin, are you insane! Do you think everyone is as despicable as you, to use your money to get whatever you want? I finally understand why Gao Fei will never love you - you deserve it!'
I froze. I did not know what to say, watching as she turned to leave, walking out of my life forever.
I only wanted you to be happy. Lanlan, that was all there was to it.
When I returned home, for the first time, I cried in front of Gao Fei. As my tears fell past my cheeks, I wanted nothing more than to burrow myself into his embrace, but Gao Fei only looked at me, his expression unmoved.
He said, 'You deserved it.'
Then he walked into the bathroom.
In the span of a day, the two most important people in my life had said to me, He Yujin, you deserved it.
***
After Gao Fei left for work, I had nothing to do, but I did not wish to wander aimlessly in the house.
So, at eight thirty, I left the house punctually. Within this city, apart from the house I shared with Gao Fei, there was still one other place for me to go.
This place was not actually considered an orphanage. Nor was it an orphanage which only accepted gravely-ill children. When I had hired Lewis to design the place, I said that I did not wish for this to become a shelter, for I hoped that it would be a home.
Of course, Lewis understood what I meant. Gently, he kissed me on my forehead, and said he understood.
Now, there were fifty-six children here. All of them were young, their bodies frail and emaciated. Yet when they saw me, they immediately brightened up, and shouted, Aunt Yujin.
Here, there were people who were specially hired to manage the daily affairs of this place. Though their salaries were not high, many of them were volunteers passionate in their cause. Apart from them, there were other doctors and nurses to take care of the children.
Aunt Yu was the director here. Originally, she managed the affairs of the He family estate, but after my father passed away, I had dismissed all the other servants and retained only Aunt Yu in helping me manage the orphanage.
Aunt Yu was a kind and gentle woman. She was also the only person who loved me after my father passed away.
She often stroked my hair as she said, 'Yujin, you're the person most deserving of love in this world.'
But I only smiled as I said, 'Aunt Yu, you think too highly of me.'
Whether He Yujin was worthy of love or not was a question that was entirely dependent on what Gao Fei thought.
Yet Gao Fei often said, 'He Yujin, I hate you, and I will hate you till the day we die - I will always hate you.'
How could a He Yujin who has been so detested by Gao Fei be deserving of love?
In the afternoons, Gao Fei did not return home for his meals. He worked as an ordinary employee in a government investment board within the business district. When my father was still alive, there had once been rumours that Gao Fei would be named the successor of his company, the enterprise which he had painstakingly built.
My father had once searched through numerous men in choosing the perfect husband for me, so as to select the best person he could entrust his company to.
But he was powerless in the face of a daughter as unfilial as I was. From young, I had been spoilt by him, and the thing I did most often was to throw a tantrum.
Seeing my stubbornness, my father had no choice but to allow me to marry Gao Fei. But my Gao Fei was equally obstinate and prideful. He did not care for my father's assets, so my father's enterprise did not have a successor.
Two
When I woke the next morning, the skies were lit with a faint brightness.
I often slept late and woke early, and this was one of the things which made Gao Fei unhappy with me. Because when I had first married him, I was still a self-absorbed child who acted wilfully without thinking about how my actions would affect another person.
As I did not like to stay in bed, out of habit, as I left bed each morning, my movements were clumsy and loud. Each time Gao Fei was awoken by me, he would turn to stare at me. His gaze was sharp as a knife and his voice cold as an arrow, as though afraid that even a part of me would escape his displeasure.
He said, 'Even if you had nothing to do at home all day long, could you be more considerate to the sleep required by others?'
When he said these words, I remained smiling, my smile brilliant. I firmly believed that my smile could eclipse even the radiance of the morning sun, except no matter how widely I smiled, I could never warm Gao Fei's heart.
I clung onto him and said, 'Did I wake you up? I'll take note of it in future. You have good rest - I'm going to make breakfast.' Then I delivered to him his morning kiss. Each time I did that, Gao Fei would close his eyes, wipe away my saliva, before turning his head away to continue sleeping.
Perhaps it was because my movements were quiet today that Gao Fei did not wake up. He was still sleeping, his bare arm slung across the quilt, back presented towards me. Carefully, I sat up, leaning over to observe him. As I stared at his face, I could not control myself, leaning over to place a gentle kiss on his face. Yet in my heart, I was shouting, 'Gao Fei, I love you. In this world, no one will love you as much as I do.'
After this stolen kiss, my heart was content.
I left the bed to prepare his breakfast.
Gao Fei loved soy sauce noodles. A bowl of noodles and some sauce was all that was needed to make him happy. I remember the first time I invited him out as friends, I had booked a table at the best restaurant in the city, hoping to have a good meal with him.
But my Gao Fei was so adorable and courteous and understanding. He did not put on any airs.
He stood in front of me, dressed in a white shirt and casual pants, simple and neat. As his gaze shifted, taking in the resplendent inner hall of the restaurant, he laughed lightly, then said, 'Miss He, we shouldn't eat here.'
I was intoxicated within his laugh, but mistook his words as an attempt to shirk away from our dinner, so I hurriedly said, 'It's alright, it's alright.' I was extremely anxious.
But Gao Fei continued, 'Why do you have to spend so much when you're not even treating your boss to a meal? This meal would cost us half our salaries for the month. Somewhere simpler will do. Of course, if Miss He is proposing this meal as a business engagement, then I will accept.'
Ah, you see, Gao Fei, how could my heart remain unmoved? Did you know that the person who stood in front of you had the wealth needed in letting you dine on such exorbitant meals in the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year? So, Gao Fei, you also have to bear part of the responsibility in my falling for you.
If you were not so accomplished and talented, if you were more materialistic, just like all the other men in this world, how could I have fallen for you? For what reason would I have resorted to such unscrupulous ways to obtain your heart?
The soy sauce noodles were simple and delicious but difficult to make. In the beginning, when learning to cook it, you could say that I had wasted over fifty kilograms worth of noodles. Every day, researching the ways in cooking Gao Fei's favourite dishes became the only hobby I had.
Everyone said that practice makes perfect. Fortunately, the Heavens did not disappoint someone as persistent as me. Although Gao Fei had never praised the noodles which I made, I was still able to discern from the little expressions he displayed that he was satisfied.
To make soy sauce noodles, there were two important points to note. First, the noodles must be chewy, and second, the soy sauce must retain its original flavour - they had to be fragrant but not oily. Although I used the best noodles, the duration I boiled them and the intensity of the flames were factors I had to learn. Cook them in excess and the noodles would become soft as flour, but undercook them and the noodles will become too hard.
As for the soy sauce, in order to maximise their freshness, I often made them myself. Using the middle heat as I heated up the pot, I would then add some oil and shelled peanuts, stir-frying them until most of the peanuts turned golden-brown. Together with sugar and sesame oil, I would mix them and continue to stir them until the sauce achieved a consistent texture.
Whenever I cooked, I did not feel like I was only making a bowl of noodles. Instead, it felt like a work of art to me, encapsulating in the simplest form my strong love for Gao Fei. Without the gift of the gab, other than telling Gao Fei I loved him over and over again, this was the only other thing I could do to express my feelings.
When it was time, the plate inlaid with golden flower trimmings was already warm with soy-sauce noodles, its fragrance wafting across the room. There was no garnish on the noodles, because Gao Fei did not like onion or garlic, and did not even take chopped green onions.
I placed the plate down and returned to the bedroom for a cup of water. When I returned, Gao Fei was already standing in the dining room, his left hand fixing the buttons of his right sleeve cuffs. He did not look at me, his eyes on the bowl of noodles. Then he pulled a chair over and sat down.
I placed the cup of water in front of him, hoping that he would say a word of praise. Within this entire city, he was the only person who I was willing to enter the kitchen and sacrifice my sleep for.
Actually, there was no need for me to do all these. From the day I married him, my father had spent a huge sum of money in hiring several domestic helpers. Within and around the house, they were there to attend to all our household chores. For the first time in my twenty years of life, I had left home, away from the sheltered comforts my father had provided for me, so how could he bear for me to do any chores?
But I had only shaken my head then, dismissing all the hired servants.
Gao Fei, you are the only person I want in this world, and I am willing to become a He Yujin that you will love.
Gao Fei, did you ever realise that I did all these only because I wanted a word of praise from you?
But Gao Fei never once said such words to me. As he saw me stare at him, he placed his chopsticks down and said in displeasure, 'Miss He, is there anything you needed from me in this early morning?'
In the recent days, the number of times he addressed me so formally had increased. Without reason, a flutter of anxiousness rose within my heart, and I furiously shook my head, fighting back my tears. I quickly sat down on the seat facing him, smiling before I lifted my head again.
'No, Gao Fei, did you taste anything different with today's noodles?'
He looked at me, before shaking his head in irritation. 'No!'
I murmured in assent.
Today, I had added vinegar instead of soy sauce, so how could you not taste anything different? Did living with me make your entire life so colourless to the extent that even the food you ate all tasted bland?
Very soon, Gao Fei finished his meal, and returned to the bedroom to dress. I did not care about my own bowl of noodles and followed behind him. As I opened the door, Gao Fei happened to be changing his pants, and his whole body was only clothed with a pair of white underwear. He stared at me. For a moment, it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but he soon turned away, his back towards me.
But I knew what it was that Gao Fei had wanted to say, for he had already said them to me multiple times in the past.
He said that he disliked the way I watched him while he dressed.
He said that he disliked the way I stared at him as we made love. Either he was reckless, violent, as he took me, until, finally, I closed my eyes, or he would cover my eyes with his palms, leaving me in darkness.
But I was just like a young child who could never be taught. When he said these words, I only laughed. Powerless, he could only let me do as I pleased.
I went to the wardrobe and helped him to retrieve his clothes. Then I handed him his tie.
That's right. I only did such ridiculous things to have the chance to help him knot his tie.
In face of my stubbornness, there was nothing Gao Fei could do. Oftentimes, apart from loathing, the only other emotion he felt towards me was helplessness - a powerlessness which was carved deep into his bones, a weakness which he wished to erase from his life.
And I - I clung onto his silver of powerlessness to obtain a fraction of his attention.
Carefully, I helped him to fix his tie, smoothing out the creases. As I lifted my head to look at Gao Fei, unsurprisingly, I saw that he was not looking at me. Seeing that I was done, he took a step backwards and headed for the study to retrieve his briefcase.
Gao Fei left for work, and the room instantly transformed into a desolate mansion. The yellow sun which flitted through the arches of the French windows did not lend any warmth to the room. I stared at the table of breakfast which I had prepared, and as I had no appetite I tossed them all away.
To be fair, Lanlan was right.
For what reason did I wish to live in such a large house? And for what reason did I yearn to live with such a man?
Lanlan's most common sentence was: He Yujin, you're actually very beautiful. Even if the Emperor did not care for you, there is no need for you to look for a poor scholar who treated you coldly. You were born a princess, and should have lived your life in the envy of others.
Each time she said these words, I could not help but laugh.
Lanlan was the only friend I had, but do not be mistaken to think that she was someone who valued class statuses. She did not come from a good family background, and belonged to the working class. Her university fees were paid for by her own effort, and her family could not even compare to Gao Fei's.
She had only said these words because she felt unjust on my behalf. I loved Gao Fei with all my heart, but Gao Fei never once acknowledged me, choosing to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to this love. Feeling it, but never enjoying it; accepting it, but never returning it.
I remember, one day, when Lanlan had too much to drink, she confessed by my ears, 'Ah Yu, if there existed a person who would love me a fraction the way you loved Gao Fei, I would follow him with no regrets.'
Lanlan said that because of how deeply she yearned to be loved, as long as that person would shower on her the faintest glimmers of affection, even if all that remained were only bitterness and sadness, she would still be able to endure them.
There was a saying: as long as you are willing to take even one step forward, let me be the one to walk the remaining nine hundred and ninety-nine steps.
For the first time in my life, my only friend had confessed to me her deepest wish. I was caught off-guard, but after I recovered my thoughts, I then set about in using all the means I had to force the man she loved to take the first step forward.
Only, before the man Lanlan loved had even made the first move, Lanlan herself had already taken the step forward to cut off all ties with me.
She stood in front of me as she shouted, 'He Yujin, are you insane! Do you think everyone is as despicable as you, to use your money to get whatever you want? I finally understand why Gao Fei will never love you - you deserve it!'
I froze. I did not know what to say, watching as she turned to leave, walking out of my life forever.
I only wanted you to be happy. Lanlan, that was all there was to it.
When I returned home, for the first time, I cried in front of Gao Fei. As my tears fell past my cheeks, I wanted nothing more than to burrow myself into his embrace, but Gao Fei only looked at me, his expression unmoved.
He said, 'You deserved it.'
Then he walked into the bathroom.
In the span of a day, the two most important people in my life had said to me, He Yujin, you deserved it.
***
After Gao Fei left for work, I had nothing to do, but I did not wish to wander aimlessly in the house.
So, at eight thirty, I left the house punctually. Within this city, apart from the house I shared with Gao Fei, there was still one other place for me to go.
This place was not actually considered an orphanage. Nor was it an orphanage which only accepted gravely-ill children. When I had hired Lewis to design the place, I said that I did not wish for this to become a shelter, for I hoped that it would be a home.
Of course, Lewis understood what I meant. Gently, he kissed me on my forehead, and said he understood.
Now, there were fifty-six children here. All of them were young, their bodies frail and emaciated. Yet when they saw me, they immediately brightened up, and shouted, Aunt Yujin.
Here, there were people who were specially hired to manage the daily affairs of this place. Though their salaries were not high, many of them were volunteers passionate in their cause. Apart from them, there were other doctors and nurses to take care of the children.
Aunt Yu was the director here. Originally, she managed the affairs of the He family estate, but after my father passed away, I had dismissed all the other servants and retained only Aunt Yu in helping me manage the orphanage.
Aunt Yu was a kind and gentle woman. She was also the only person who loved me after my father passed away.
She often stroked my hair as she said, 'Yujin, you're the person most deserving of love in this world.'
But I only smiled as I said, 'Aunt Yu, you think too highly of me.'
Whether He Yujin was worthy of love or not was a question that was entirely dependent on what Gao Fei thought.
Yet Gao Fei often said, 'He Yujin, I hate you, and I will hate you till the day we die - I will always hate you.'
How could a He Yujin who has been so detested by Gao Fei be deserving of love?
In the afternoons, Gao Fei did not return home for his meals. He worked as an ordinary employee in a government investment board within the business district. When my father was still alive, there had once been rumours that Gao Fei would be named the successor of his company, the enterprise which he had painstakingly built.
My father had once searched through numerous men in choosing the perfect husband for me, so as to select the best person he could entrust his company to.
But he was powerless in the face of a daughter as unfilial as I was. From young, I had been spoilt by him, and the thing I did most often was to throw a tantrum.
Seeing my stubbornness, my father had no choice but to allow me to marry Gao Fei. But my Gao Fei was equally obstinate and prideful. He did not care for my father's assets, so my father's enterprise did not have a successor.
