Five
This year, spring seemed to have arrived particularly early. It was not even March when the leaves on the trees begun to sprout.
As my condition steadily deteriorated, I was forced to do something every wealthy person had to do - write my will. I did not wish to write my will, for within my last words, there would only be five words: Gao Fei, I love you. I thought that I would be the first and the last person in this world who would write such a will.
In my letter, which was the only way I could continue to convey to Gao Fei my feelings after I died, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Except, I still had a responsibility in handling my assets. In my father's lifetime, whether it was from legal or shady dealings, he had succeeded in amassing a sizeable fortune. I did not know exactly how much my inheritance was worth, but if one were to set about calculating my worth, perhaps I would rank among the wealthiest people within this city.
In the end, I left the entirety of my father's corporation to a young man my father had been grooming before he passed away. His name was Chu Yun, and he was a person my father had personally selected from tens of people to be my husband after he learned of my illness. Chu Yun held the documents within his hands, but did not accept them. I was already exhausted, so I did not say anything else.
Chu Yun was an upright person. If I had never crossed paths with Gao Fei, perhaps I would really have married him.
I said to Chu Yun, 'This is not simply a fortune which fell from the skies. After you have taken control of it, you must put your heart into maintaining it. You will be forced to think through your every word and action, for your life will no longer belong to you, and you alone. You will become the life of this corporation. If something goes wrong, you will be the first to bear the brunt of it. If you crossed the law, you will also have to bear the consequences. I have never thought of this inheritance as a blessing.’
I believed that not only did this sum of money guarantee a lifetime devoid of financial worries, but it also bought a person's freedom. Back then, I had chosen to abandon this inheritance for this reason.
I also left to the orphanage a sizeable amount of money, but of course, it was impossible for them to depend solely on me. As a charity organisation, the orphanage also sought aid from other organisations. Though it was my creation, it had long transcended into something which no longer belonged only to me.
Other than that, what remained were the two mansions of my family. One of them was my ancestral home, the house my father had lived in when he was alive. The other was the house Gao Fei and I currently lived in, a house which was devoid of warmth no matter how I tried to transform it into a home.
I thought that I should leave the house my father had lived in to Gao Fei's parents. No matter how they dealt with it in the end, whether they would choose to rent it out or sell it, at least, it would ensure that the two of them would live the rest of their lives without financial worry. And this would be the last gesture of sincerity I could give to them as their daughter-in-law.
As for the home I was living in, I could not bear to give it to anyone. Even if this was a house as cold as the wintry seas, it was still the home I once shared with Gao Fei, a place with memories I treasured. In the end, the only person I wanted to give it to was Gao Fei, but I understood his temper all too well - he was a proud and stubborn man, and he would never accept this.
So, I would let our house remain standing. Even as it fell into dilapidation with the passing of years, it would continue to exist as an eternal testimony of the days I had once spent with Gao Fei, an undeniable witness to the relationship we once shared.
Later, I decided to pay a visit to my parents-in-law, so I made a trip to the supermarket where I bought a lot of things. In my two years of marriage, I had only seen them twice. The first was when my father released them, and the second was during my wedding with Gao Fei.
When the both of them saw me, the trepidation and fear which rose within them could not be masked, as though they were a mouse that had seen a cat, or an evil spirit that had seen Sun Wukong, its vanquisher. Before I entered, I tried my best to adjust my attitude, and said to myself, He Yujin, good luck, smile nicely.
As I removed my shoes, I smiled brightly, my voice cheery as I shouted towards the living room, 'Father, Mother, I'm here to visit you.'
I was sure that my voice exceeded seventy decibels, because both my parents-in-law immediately froze in place. My father-in-law's hands, clutched around his presbyopic glasses, stilled in mid-air. For a long moment, he did not move.
Beaming, I walked in, kneeling down as I helped him put on his glasses. I laughed, then said, 'Do you want to read the papers?'
Then, like a dutiful daughter-in-law, I handed to him a few newspapers which had been placed atop the coffee table.
Turning, I said to my mother-in-law, 'Mother, I've brought many groceries over. I'll help you put them into the fridge.'
I acted just like any other ordinary daughter-in-law. Completely ignoring the stupefaction of the two elderlies, I continued to carry out this play all by my oneself, devoting myself to becoming the best daughter-in-law, as though nothing was out of the ordinary, and that we were like any other family.
I filled the fridge to the brim with groceries. Then I set about cleaning the house. I spent the whole afternoon cleaning their entire house, which was not large. Carefully, I mopped the floors twice, washed all the blankets and bedsheets, then headed for the kitchen where I cooked five dishes.
I held the plates stacked with food as I beamed at my parents-in-law. When I smiled, others often said that I looked beautiful, and that my smile was able to brighten the spirits of the elderly. Without batting an eyelid, I continued to act oblivious to their unchanging faces.
After dinner, I filled a basin with hot water to wash my father-in-law's feet. The basin which I filled was neither large nor small. On the curve of my elbows was a towel.
I said to Gao Fei's father, 'Father, I'll help you to wash your feet.'
My father-in-law exchanged a glance with my mother-in-law, and my mother-in-law looked at me, wanting to know exactly what I was playing at.
Because that year, the methods I had used to obtain Gao Fei still left them afraid.
My father-in-law was old in age and as he had spent a long time bound to the wheelchair, his muscles had long been atrophied. The weather was cold, and I was afraid that the water would not be warm enough, hence the water which I had filled in the basin was extremely hot.
Slowly, I helped him wash, thinking to myself that this man gave to me Gao Fei, the person I most loved, so I was immensely grateful to him.
Yet such a man had only endured much sufferings in life because of me, so I was also indebted towards him.
Perhaps Gao Fei’s parents could no longer endure my strange actions, so they made a call to Gao Fei.
The moment Gao Fei entered the house, his anger was palpable.
I wanted to say, you're here just in time; Gao Fei, let us sit together as one family.
But the words had not even left my mouth when I was already dragged out by him.
That's right, not led, but dragged. I was dragged out. He shoved me into the car, my head landing heavily on the seats.
Before I came to my senses, Gao Fei had already started the car. With a roar of the engines, the car sped away.
He said, 'He Yujin, are you crazy?'
'I'm not crazy.' I touched the back of my head. It hurt. To begin with, my head really cannot endure any further trauma, Gao Fei, you jerk.
'Then why did you disturb my parents without reason?' He said as he turned to glare at me, his eyes filled with red.
From my memories, Gao Fei had never acted in such a manner before. He had always been a scholarly and reserved man, one who would never have raised a hand against a woman. Even if he hated me, he would never have harmed me, whether in the open or otherwise.
But today, I had crossed the line, breaking even my own record.
'I didn't disturb them. Gao Fei, I like them,' I explained.
When Gao Fei heard the words 'I like them', he clenched his jaw. Coldly, he said, 'He Yujin, I really feel sorry for the people you love. If everyone were like you, then all the love within the world would become a monstrosity. Do you know exactly how heavy a price the people you love have to pay?!' His voice was thunderous, like a dangerous lion in the throes of fury.
I bit my lips. I did not have a word to defend myself with.
Because Gao Fei was right.
Because of me, that year, Gao Fei's parents had been kidnapped. Their kidnapping had not gone smoothly. As they attempted to escape, my father-in-law had fallen, and this fall had shattered the bones of his leg, causing him to be bound to a wheelchair even to this date.
I was guilty, and even till now, the guilt continued to eat away at my heart. Tonight, I held his leg within my hands, and this was also the first time I had touched it. His leg had long degenerated, the nerves unsensing, the muscles around it shrivelled. His leg was crooked and bent, just like the bound feet of women in the ancient days or the twisted roots of an old, withered tree.
I knew that my crimes could not be forgiven. I knew that I did not deserve forgiveness.
But I truly did not mean them.
I had never expected that things would turn out this way.
'Gao Fei, I did not mean for those things to happen.'
'Yes, you did not mean them!!! But they are still afraid of you, aren't they? I am also trying my best to prevent you from coming into contact with them, but what is wrong with you today? Why did you appear on their doorstep without rhyme or reason? Don't you know how to think? Or were you always so ignorant?'
I did not know what to say. As I sat in the car next to Gao Fei, my vision started to blur, my head heavy.
I wanted to say, I'm sorry, Gao Fei, I'm really, really sorry. I'm sorry towards you and your family.
In front of him, I had never been stingy with my apologies, but as I thought of myself at this moment, I could not help the overwhelming helplessness which swelled within me.
My days were numbered, but the man who I finally succeeded in marrying after resorting to the most abhorrent and unforgivable methods still did not love me. No, putting aside love, he did not even possess a silver of the affection any man would have towards a woman.
He hated me to his very bones, but I loved him, and my love was no less than his hate, for my love was carved into my very soul. I loved him more than I loved myself, so I tried my best to close the distance with his family members. All I wanted was for his parents to think that they were just as blessed as all other parents, for they also had a dutiful daughter-in-law.
In return, what I received were Gao Fei's rebukes by my ears, accompanying the splitting pain in my head. I wanted to say these, but my I could not help the exhaustion within me.
As I clung onto the last vestiges of consciousness, I heard myself whisper, 'Gao Fei, don't scold me in this way. I'm scared that you will regret it in the future!'
Five
This year, spring seemed to have arrived particularly early. It was not even March when the leaves on the trees begun to sprout.
As my condition steadily deteriorated, I was forced to do something every wealthy person had to do - write my will. I did not wish to write my will, for within my last words, there would only be five words: Gao Fei, I love you. I thought that I would be the first and the last person in this world who would write such a will.
In my letter, which was the only way I could continue to convey to Gao Fei my feelings after I died, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Except, I still had a responsibility in handling my assets. In my father's lifetime, whether it was from legal or shady dealings, he had succeeded in amassing a sizeable fortune. I did not know exactly how much my inheritance was worth, but if one were to set about calculating my worth, perhaps I would rank among the wealthiest people within this city.
In the end, I left the entirety of my father's corporation to a young man my father had been grooming before he passed away. His name was Chu Yun, and he was a person my father had personally selected from tens of people to be my husband after he learned of my illness. Chu Yun held the documents within his hands, but did not accept them. I was already exhausted, so I did not say anything else.
Chu Yun was an upright person. If I had never crossed paths with Gao Fei, perhaps I would really have married him.
I said to Chu Yun, 'This is not simply a fortune which fell from the skies. After you have taken control of it, you must put your heart into maintaining it. You will be forced to think through your every word and action, for your life will no longer belong to you, and you alone. You will become the life of this corporation. If something goes wrong, you will be the first to bear the brunt of it. If you crossed the law, you will also have to bear the consequences. I have never thought of this inheritance as a blessing.’
I believed that not only did this sum of money guarantee a lifetime devoid of financial worries, but it also bought a person's freedom. Back then, I had chosen to abandon this inheritance for this reason.
I also left to the orphanage a sizeable amount of money, but of course, it was impossible for them to depend solely on me. As a charity organisation, the orphanage also sought aid from other organisations. Though it was my creation, it had long transcended into something which no longer belonged only to me.
Other than that, what remained were the two mansions of my family. One of them was my ancestral home, the house my father had lived in when he was alive. The other was the house Gao Fei and I currently lived in, a house which was devoid of warmth no matter how I tried to transform it into a home.
I thought that I should leave the house my father had lived in to Gao Fei's parents. No matter how they dealt with it in the end, whether they would choose to rent it out or sell it, at least, it would ensure that the two of them would live the rest of their lives without financial worry. And this would be the last gesture of sincerity I could give to them as their daughter-in-law.
As for the home I was living in, I could not bear to give it to anyone. Even if this was a house as cold as the wintry seas, it was still the home I once shared with Gao Fei, a place with memories I treasured. In the end, the only person I wanted to give it to was Gao Fei, but I understood his temper all too well - he was a proud and stubborn man, and he would never accept this.
So, I would let our house remain standing. Even as it fell into dilapidation with the passing of years, it would continue to exist as an eternal testimony of the days I had once spent with Gao Fei, an undeniable witness to the relationship we once shared.
Later, I decided to pay a visit to my parents-in-law, so I made a trip to the supermarket where I bought a lot of things. In my two years of marriage, I had only seen them twice. The first was when my father released them, and the second was during my wedding with Gao Fei.
When the both of them saw me, the trepidation and fear which rose within them could not be masked, as though they were a mouse that had seen a cat, or an evil spirit that had seen Sun Wukong, its vanquisher. Before I entered, I tried my best to adjust my attitude, and said to myself, He Yujin, good luck, smile nicely.
As I removed my shoes, I smiled brightly, my voice cheery as I shouted towards the living room, 'Father, Mother, I'm here to visit you.'
I was sure that my voice exceeded seventy decibels, because both my parents-in-law immediately froze in place. My father-in-law's hands, clutched around his presbyopic glasses, stilled in mid-air. For a long moment, he did not move.
Beaming, I walked in, kneeling down as I helped him put on his glasses. I laughed, then said, 'Do you want to read the papers?'
Then, like a dutiful daughter-in-law, I handed to him a few newspapers which had been placed atop the coffee table.
Turning, I said to my mother-in-law, 'Mother, I've brought many groceries over. I'll help you put them into the fridge.'
I acted just like any other ordinary daughter-in-law. Completely ignoring the stupefaction of the two elderlies, I continued to carry out this play all by my oneself, devoting myself to becoming the best daughter-in-law, as though nothing was out of the ordinary, and that we were like any other family.
I filled the fridge to the brim with groceries. Then I set about cleaning the house. I spent the whole afternoon cleaning their entire house, which was not large. Carefully, I mopped the floors twice, washed all the blankets and bedsheets, then headed for the kitchen where I cooked five dishes.
I held the plates stacked with food as I beamed at my parents-in-law. When I smiled, others often said that I looked beautiful, and that my smile was able to brighten the spirits of the elderly. Without batting an eyelid, I continued to act oblivious to their unchanging faces.
After dinner, I filled a basin with hot water to wash my father-in-law's feet. The basin which I filled was neither large nor small. On the curve of my elbows was a towel.
I said to Gao Fei's father, 'Father, I'll help you to wash your feet.'
My father-in-law exchanged a glance with my mother-in-law, and my mother-in-law looked at me, wanting to know exactly what I was playing at.
Because that year, the methods I had used to obtain Gao Fei still left them afraid.
My father-in-law was old in age and as he had spent a long time bound to the wheelchair, his muscles had long been atrophied. The weather was cold, and I was afraid that the water would not be warm enough, hence the water which I had filled in the basin was extremely hot.
Slowly, I helped him wash, thinking to myself that this man gave to me Gao Fei, the person I most loved, so I was immensely grateful to him.
Yet such a man had only endured much sufferings in life because of me, so I was also indebted towards him.
Perhaps Gao Fei’s parents could no longer endure my strange actions, so they made a call to Gao Fei.
The moment Gao Fei entered the house, his anger was palpable.
I wanted to say, you're here just in time; Gao Fei, let us sit together as one family.
But the words had not even left my mouth when I was already dragged out by him.
That's right, not led, but dragged. I was dragged out. He shoved me into the car, my head landing heavily on the seats.
Before I came to my senses, Gao Fei had already started the car. With a roar of the engines, the car sped away.
He said, 'He Yujin, are you crazy?'
'I'm not crazy.' I touched the back of my head. It hurt. To begin with, my head really cannot endure any further trauma, Gao Fei, you jerk.
'Then why did you disturb my parents without reason?' He said as he turned to glare at me, his eyes filled with red.
From my memories, Gao Fei had never acted in such a manner before. He had always been a scholarly and reserved man, one who would never have raised a hand against a woman. Even if he hated me, he would never have harmed me, whether in the open or otherwise.
But today, I had crossed the line, breaking even my own record.
'I didn't disturb them. Gao Fei, I like them,' I explained.
When Gao Fei heard the words 'I like them', he clenched his jaw. Coldly, he said, 'He Yujin, I really feel sorry for the people you love. If everyone were like you, then all the love within the world would become a monstrosity. Do you know exactly how heavy a price the people you love have to pay?!' His voice was thunderous, like a dangerous lion in the throes of fury.
I bit my lips. I did not have a word to defend myself with.
Because Gao Fei was right.
Because of me, that year, Gao Fei's parents had been kidnapped. Their kidnapping had not gone smoothly. As they attempted to escape, my father-in-law had fallen, and this fall had shattered the bones of his leg, causing him to be bound to a wheelchair even to this date.
I was guilty, and even till now, the guilt continued to eat away at my heart. Tonight, I held his leg within my hands, and this was also the first time I had touched it. His leg had long degenerated, the nerves unsensing, the muscles around it shrivelled. His leg was crooked and bent, just like the bound feet of women in the ancient days or the twisted roots of an old, withered tree.
I knew that my crimes could not be forgiven. I knew that I did not deserve forgiveness.
But I truly did not mean them.
I had never expected that things would turn out this way.
'Gao Fei, I did not mean for those things to happen.'
'Yes, you did not mean them!!! But they are still afraid of you, aren't they? I am also trying my best to prevent you from coming into contact with them, but what is wrong with you today? Why did you appear on their doorstep without rhyme or reason? Don't you know how to think? Or were you always so ignorant?'
I did not know what to say. As I sat in the car next to Gao Fei, my vision started to blur, my head heavy.
I wanted to say, I'm sorry, Gao Fei, I'm really, really sorry. I'm sorry towards you and your family.
In front of him, I had never been stingy with my apologies, but as I thought of myself at this moment, I could not help the overwhelming helplessness which swelled within me.
My days were numbered, but the man who I finally succeeded in marrying after resorting to the most abhorrent and unforgivable methods still did not love me. No, putting aside love, he did not even possess a silver of the affection any man would have towards a woman.
He hated me to his very bones, but I loved him, and my love was no less than his hate, for my love was carved into my very soul. I loved him more than I loved myself, so I tried my best to close the distance with his family members. All I wanted was for his parents to think that they were just as blessed as all other parents, for they also had a dutiful daughter-in-law.
In return, what I received were Gao Fei's rebukes by my ears, accompanying the splitting pain in my head. I wanted to say these, but my I could not help the exhaustion within me.
As I clung onto the last vestiges of consciousness, I heard myself whisper, 'Gao Fei, don't scold me in this way. I'm scared that you will regret it in the future!'
