He Luo’s mood was persistently low. She couldn’t allow leisure time to herself; when it happened, her first thought was to give Zhang Yuan a call, to hear him speak and laugh. She had such a desire because it had been so long since she had a proper chat with him. Every time they talked on the phone, there were only the routine greetings, a few courtesy words, before falling into silence. What should she say? She couldn’t find a suitable topic. The future was too far away, the present was too heavy, the past was too limiting.
Silence. They didn’t even have a reason to argue. There was nothing to break the silence.
Cai Man Xin wanted to sign up for the second TOEFL test in May in the north outskirts, so she persuaded He Luo to accompany her.
“I haven’t figured out if I want to go abroad,” He Luo said. “I need to see Zhang Yuan’s plan.”
“It’s very beneficial for the mathematics major students to go abroad,” Cai Man Xin said. “You guys can discuss slowly. What’s the big deal of taking a simple test? Even if you don’t go abroad, it will still help you when you apply for jobs in foreign-owned companies. If your reading score is high, you’re even exempted from taking the English test for the postgraduate examination.”
He Luo told Zhang Yuan, “I’ll just take the test for fun. I don’t really need to apply for overseas.” His response was plain: “It’s good if you apply for that.”
She asked, “You want me to go overseas?”
He replied, “It’s your future. I can’t make the decision for you.”
It was a familiar line. Three years ago, he told her, “You have to decide on your own.”
He Luo was unhappy. “We’re discussing the future of us both, not mine alone. I didn’t say I must go abroad, I just wanted to listen to your plan.”
Zhang Yuan didn’t want to share his plan because he can imagine He Luo’s response. She will warmly encourage him but worry about the risks he will be taking. Adventure, fantasy, naive ―all those words will definitely be brought up. On one hand, she didn’t like people who were obsessed with studying and would always complain about her roommates, how Tong Jia Ying studied until she was a complete muddlehead. She said, despite Tong Jia Ying’s excellent results, she should participate more in social activities. On the other hand, she would always advise him to focus on his studies.
It appeared that He Luo has double standards. If back then he was admitted into Tsinghua, will she still ask him to give up on his dreams? Zhang Yuan was depressed. He was still the same person. He had just slipped up once, was it enough to negate his entire self?
The winter that year came early. Temperatures in both cities dropped drastically, making it exceptionally cold. Their love was turned into ice, their memories frozen. Their cold estrangement was an iceberg floating on still water. There were too many details that was impossible to explain. He Luo was tired of explaining to her friends, so she just simply shut down. She didn’t know that Zhang Yuan was just like her, experiencing the coldest winter in his lifetime. Fu Peng insisted on never programming again and introduced Zhang Yuan to another open source programmer. But naturally since Zhang Yuan was not close to the programmer, the programmer was also hesitant to teach him much and mostly send him to do menial errands. Zhang Yuan refused to give up and started speculating consumer needs from eavesdropping in the workshop, studying reference books. He did this day and night, every day. But his improvement was too slow. His ideas were often denied; it was either they were naive or inefficient.
“Young’un, you’re lacking experience after all.” Those was what they often said. Zhang Yuan would rather they mock him than sympathise him, at least that was more bearable. He pondered about it over and over, where he can find an opportunity, how he can get recognition. He thought too much. By the time he realised, it was already final exams.
For the first time in his life, he knew what was it like to fail. Further, it was for two subjects. If he failed just another one, he wouldn’t be able to keep his scholarship.
This time He Luo returned, she came home with a first class scholarship. She was visibly happy about it and was evidently high-spirited the entire time. When they took the taxi, Zhang Yuan was quiet. The temperature inside the car lowered to a freezing point. The two was forced to start a conversation, and the driver piped in, “Listening to your accent, it doesn’t seem like you’re a local.”
He Luo laughed. “Oh dear, I’m born and bred here. I just went to Beijing to study.”
The driver was envious. “The capital is a great place. You can even see the National Day parade.”
“I even participated in it,” He Luo chattered more excitedly, elaborating on her experience.
Right now, he could still respond appropriately, but what about in the future? What about when she travels to an even wider world? He had once vowed that not applying abroad was the true test for one’s ability. But now, it was like what she has once said: Winner takes all.
Right. It was the same kind of kite, but the one not flying in the air was the loser. And she would be flying higher and further. He could only look up at her disappearing sight. When he look down at his taut string, he can only see that was how far his string would go.
*
In the days following and after the spring festival, He Luo caught a virus and was bedridden with fever for more than a week. In daytime, her temperature wa 37 degrees. At night, it rose to 40 degrees. Mom’s heart was broken as she saw He Luo getting progressively weaker. She urged Dad, “You have so many old friends. Hurry up and think of a solution, see if you know any good doctors.”
Dad was helpless. “This is not some kind of rare disease. Look, even if you take her to some ordinary doctor or to the chief physician, the diagnosis would be the same. Other than eating well and getting enough sleep, there’s no other solution.”
“If this goes on any longer, the fever will fry her brain. Look at your daughter, she’s dizzy and feels faint every day,” Mom said, tears almost spilling.
“It’s good for her to be a little sick. That way her immune system can be strengthened,” Dad tried to comfort his wife. “A fever is actually good to detoxify the body.”
“Exactly. I’m fine,” He Luo forced herself to smile. “I just slept so much that I no longer have any sense of morning and night.” Even smiling felt like a chore. She turned her head to look out the window, at the streets that were as empty as her heart. There was a translucent layer of frost lining the window glass, refracting the light into strange patterns. An intoxicating nostalgia engulfed her. Yet the singing of the Carpenters was not enough to trade for yesterday. Yesterday never once more.
Why would he say those words? It must be the fever scrambling her brain, messing her memories, and making it seem like her nightmare was real.
Zhang Yuan said, “Let’s break up. I’m not the kind of person that you want.”
“Stop playing around.” He Luo pulled on his sleeve but her hand was gently removed. He turned around to leave, leaving He Luo on the side of a street at eight at night. It was minus thirty degrees, so cold even the snow falling on her eyebrow would not melt.
He was joking, right? He Luo stood there without moving, dazed. The two of them were in constant cold war, so they were both exhausted. On the phone, He Luo once said, “We need to give each other time and calm down.”
She said she was tired from the running and wanted to rest. Yet he actually said not to run anymore, that it was game over.
Game over. Can he act as if their past had never happened, clear his mental archives and start over? He Luo can’t.
Sitting behind him, sketching his side profile like a silly girl. Under the yellow streetlight, his laughing face as he said, “He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.”
When the fireflies flew, he said, “I’m very happy just being with you.”
They hugged, kissed. In the winter, she was holding baked sweet potatoes, he was holding her hand. Without him, her life was blank. Yet he actually ended their relationship just like that, saying, “I’m not the kind of person that you want.”
He Luo broke down on the side of the street, sobbing uncontrollably. But you are the one that I want. You once held my hand and said, “I’m thinking the same thing as you are.” Isn’t that right? What I want is to be with you forever. What about you?
By the time she snapped to her senses, she had already stood in the cold for half an hour. The chill had seeped into every corner of her body. She shivered, her teeth chattered. It was only then that she realised she had been standing in the same place, staring in the direction he had went. I want to go home, she thought. While there’s still some warmth left. It’s too cold here. Where’s her mom’s embrace?
On the bus, the lights were still flickering, some hitting across her cheek. On the streets were a crowd of happy people, flying past outside the window. There was no difference compared to three years ago, it was just that he was no longer by her side, no longer holding her hand.
*
In the days after, He Luo signed up for even more classes, to bury herself in so much class work so she could forget. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to try and hold onto him. The break up was too sudden. She didn’t even dare to believe that it was all already over. She wrote an email to Zhang Yuan to ask: “Tell me the real reason. Don’t worry whether I can take it, I just want the honest truth.” But he didn’t answer.
Was there a need to continue to badger him for an explanation? She wanted to tell him that she couldn’t live without him. Perhaps this was true, but she couldn’t say it. She has her determination and her own pride.
Shen Lie came over to look for her, jokingly taking away her bag. “Hey, don’t go to the library this Sunday. Come and see our drama club rehearsal.”
“I don’t know anything about drama.” She shook her head.
“This time our play is an adaptation of Antigone, a classic Greek tragedy.” Shen Lie laughed. “Can I invite your uncle to comment on our play? With his help, our chances at the competition will be that much higher.”
“What competition?” He Luo was surprised. “And since when you’ve joined the drama club? I didn’t even know.”
“It’s an inter-university competition,” he said. “Of course you don’t know. I rarely tell others about these little things about me.”
“Oh…” He Luo smiled, no longer talking.
He said, “Do you know why I joined the drama club? Because there’s opportunities to meet girls. Normally girls are all standoffish and is particularly hard to get along with. When it comes to acting, they’ll naturally throw themselves at me, holding my hand, looking at me with puppy eyes, shouting ‘Ah, my dear…’”
He paused. Seeing He Luo’s focus on him, he continued, “That girl hold onto my hand, shouting, ‘Ah, my dear father!’”
Only a few select people knew what happened over the winter break. Tian Xin was incredibly angered. “Zhang Yuan didn’t know how to appreciate his good fortune. Next time I see him, I’ll beat him up, tie him, and bring him back.”
He Luo laughed briefly and leaned her head on Tian Xin’s shoulder. Looking down, she quietly sighed, “If he can be moved, will we even break up?”
“Then what do you plan to do?”
“I don’t know,” He Luo replied. “As long as Zhang Yuan has made his decision, I’ll unconditionally support whatever he wants to do. What I want is not to go abroad or become a postgraduate student. I want us to be together. But each time I can’t convey this wish properly, it’s like I’m lowering my pride to beg him. Have you heard of the song I Care for You The Most? I like everything about the song except this part where they said, ‘So I beg of you, don’t let me leave you.’ It’s too subservient.”
In her mind, He Luo wanted to love with dignity and courage, yet her useless heart was aching. When she was attending an economic class, she was still in low spirits. She sketched a cake and an ice-cream on her notebook, saying, “This is the first time I didn’t send him a greeting card for his birthday.”
“Having chosen our class, not only aren’t you paying attention, you’re even thinking of that useless bastard!” Cai Man Xin was so angry that she grabbed He Luo’s notebook. He Luo resisted and the two of them engaged in a tug-of-war over the book.
Cai Man Xin loosened her hold, catching He Luo off guard. In one slip of a hand, the book flew over to the end of their long seat. Shen Lie turned around and stretched an arm to pick it up.
“Look at that brat. He often looked down on social sciences but now he’s always present in this class. He’s up to something.” Cai Man Xin made a ‘heng’ sound but then smiled. “To be honest, don’t you find Shen Lie pretty good? He’s really, really, really better than Zhang Yuan.”
“I didn’t say he’s not good,” He Luo said. “But you know, feelings are like sunk costs. It doesn’t matter if he’s superior in every aspect, I’ve already dumped all my capital into that one property and can’t recoup my loss.”
“If you know it’s a sunk cost, then why are you still investing in it?” Cai Man Xin pursed her lips.
“Yes, I’m choosing to minimise my loss,” He Luo said, smiling. “I keep hoping they won’t liquidate my property.”
Cai Man Xin sighed. “Feelings are a complicated matter, there’s really no logic to it.” She then continued, “I have never cared for someone as much as you do. Say, how do you know that you’ve fallen for someone?”
He Luo thought for a moment. “When you first like someone, it’ll make you become silly, foolish, and timid. When you’re with him, your tongue will be tied. But when you really fall in love, you’ll be brave to the point of recklessness. You won’t care about the consequences. Simply put, you’ll be unlike yourself.”
Cai Man Xin breathed a sigh of relief. “Good thing I haven’t experienced my loss of self. I think in the future I won’t either.”
“Sooner or later,” He Luo said. “I once said what you’ve just said. But when love comes, whatever you’ve once vowed become pointless.”
Everything becomes pointless. He Luo tossed and turned in her sleep every night. Her hurting self was defeating her pride and arrogance. She can just throw away her pride, she can lower her head. Whatever Zhang Yuan wanted, she would give him. So be it. Even though my heart is anxious, I’m even more worried about losing you.
She remembered Tian Xin’s words. If she missed someone, she should cry it out, was that very hard? If she went to him and cried, will he helplessly embrace her, and say, “Don’t cry anymore. If your eyes become anymore swollen, I won’t want you anymore.” She dreamed this scenario a few times. Each time she woke, she didn’t know if it was hope or bitterness that she tasted.
*
Zhao Cheng Jie sent He Luo a sudden QQ message. Without any courtesy greetings, he went straight to the point: “Are you still with Zhang Yuan?”
He Luo was briefly stunned. She didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t tell any of their old classmates about what happened that winter. She vaguely answered, “Oh, same old, same old.”
“I spotted him dining with a pretty girl for a few days straight, their actions somewhat ambiguous,” Zhao Cheng Jie wrote. “So I teased him, asking for cover-up fee so I won’t tell He Luo. He then said, ‘Oh. We have already broken up.’”
We have already broken up. Did he say that exactly? In what tone? With nostalgia or with indifference? Perhaps the latter.
A pretty girl by his side… He Luo typed furiously at her keyboard, “Since you already know, why are you still asking me!?”
Zhao Cheng Jie then laughed. “Didn’t you initiate the breakup? We’re all guessing that it’s because you’re looking down on us who are in the provincial university after going to Beijing.”
He Luo was bitter, but still typed a smiley face: “:) Why don’t you all think that it’s him who dumps the old for new? That he didn’t want me because I’m not pretty enough?”
Zhao Cheng Jie was silent for a long while before finally understanding what she was getting at. “In the past, was there a lack of pretty girls who had a crush on him? How could it be he who initiated the break up… he loves you so much. Back then he even stood more than twenty hours on the train just to go to see you in Beijing.”
“The electricity is about to be cut!” The teacher in charge of the PC room called. “Everyone, turn off your computers… The female student over there, hurry up and go. Electricity is about to be cut soon.”
He Luo didn’t dare to turn around. As soon as the tension in her shoulders relaxed, tears were drenching her entire face.
He loves you so much, he loves you so much.
Yes. He loves me so much. He once loved me.
He Luo phoned her roommates to tell them she was going to a relative’s house and spent the night wandering on the streets. She caught a random bus and sat down. She watched the countless neon lights flying past the window. The warmth from entwining their hands together, the coldness from her jealousy that winter. She let her forehead drop against the window, as the tears fall without an end.
Sitting in the 24-hour bus, she wrote a long letter to reminisce of their moments together:
“When I pick up my pen, I can’t help but cry, my breath choked. Do you still remember? When you held my hand during the basketball training. When you recommended a dentist when my teeth hurt. When you complained how sour the lollipop I gave you was. When you borrowed a bicycle that rang everywhere but from the bell. When you whistled and took me on a ride. When you wrote me four letters a day. When you spent more than twenty hours standing on the train just to see me. When you call me a mean girl, you said, ‘He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.’
But you really let go when you said you would. Have you ever thought that the person next to me in the future won’t be you anymore? Perhaps you don’t even care, do you? But when I think about how the person next to you won’t be, my heart hurt until it ached, so much that I wish I didn’t hold onto these feelings for you.
I know you’re exhausted. So am I. I also want to slow down, take a deep breath, and rest a while. I always thought we are two persons on the same path in life. If we have gotten tired of our journey, we’ll help each other to continue and never leave anyone behind. But, you told me to go, that I’m not a person in your path. Are our feelings a burden to each other?”
In a fit of emotions, she wrote it all down. The next day was a weekend. She returned to her room to sleep. For the first time, she slept peacefully and serenely. When she woke, she read the letter and realised how subservient she sounded, like a damsel in distress crying in despair, kissing the prince’s feet, begging for God’s salvation.
If Zhang Yuan can so calmly break up with her, without arguing, without hesitation, it was surely because he had thought long and hard about it. How can a mere letter change his mind?
To hold out her hand, to cry and beg for a person to change his mind, all these things He Luo couldn’t bring herself to do.
What if he steeled his heart and refuse? Even if she had lost her love, at least she still had her pride.
She didn’t want to completely disgrace herself.
When all the crying and sadness had numbed her, He Luo repeatedly questioned herself if she had really loved Zhang Yuan as deeply as she did in the past? Why did she agreed when he said to break up, and didn’t try and change his mind? Again and again, she was quiet. It seemed like she had never once questioned her own feelings.
Since autumn, all the way to the break up in the winter, was he ever warm and kind to you? Did he experience your happiness and sadness? Did he ask about what was going in your life? Did he thought seriously about your life and future together?
He didn’t. Isn’t it?
Is his dream also your dream? Do you think he’s working hard? Do you think his future is brilliant and bright? Do you believe that he’ll surpass your everything? Does his pursuit in life intersects with yours? Can he give you the life you want?
He can’t. Isn’t it?
What you feel for him, is it still love? The so-called determination and heartache, is it because of your attachment to him or simply because of your nostalgia for your youthful memories?
Can you guarantee that, under the current circumstances, you can be with him without any regrets?
The weather was gradually growing warmer. Out of the blue, He Luo opened a fragrant bead bag. The lilac scent permeated the midnight air. It was a common flower in her hometown, in floral language it was dubbed the ‘first love’. In its sweet fragrance, there was a hint of melancholy.
*
The next day He Luo sat for the TOEFL exam. He Luo’s hearing skill was always decent, grammar and reading even more so. After taking several mock exams, she was dragged to the examination hall by Cai Man Xin.
On her way there, the cold wind helped her clear her mind quite a fair bit. She hasn’t eaten. There was only a Dove dark chocolate bar she bought yesterday in her pocket. She broke off a tiny part and gingerly savoured the familiar fragrance.
As serene as she felt since yesterday afternoon, her heart still carried melancholy.
How many years had it been? Three year, no, four years ago, when Zhang Yuan was still far from her reach, he was a constant presence in her diary. Remembering how he tutored her in physics, how he taught her basketball, how he gave her a dark chocolate bar before their final exams.
“Relax yourself. I wish you good luck!” Zhang Yuan had said.
“You’re giving me everything? What about you?”
“My luck is always good.” He tilted his head and smiled. His confidence infected He Luo. The world was suddenly bursting with the taste of summer and became all that much brighter.
Yet in this moment, there was only the dazzling sun, shining a lonesome path in front.
Cai Man Xin saw how He Luo enjoyed the chocolate and teased, “Hey, don’t just focus on eating and forget how to answer questions later.”
He Luo squeezed a smile out of herself. She understood that now that she was taking this step, she was no longer heading towards the same direction as he was.
By the time she returned to her dorm, it was already noon. The lazy Ye Zhi was bleary-eyed when she asked, “How was it? Did you answer the questions smoothly?”
She replied, “Just so-so. I think I won’t be able to use the results.”
Cai Man Xin overheard as she passed their room. She ran over and popped her head in to say, “Don’t listen to her nonsense. There are only a few questions I couldn’t grasp accurately. Her answers and mine aren’t that different, she’ll definitely have no problem with the other questions. I’m a 650-mark candidate, you know.”
He Luo pinched her nose. “Yes, yes. You always get 650, can’t I get 560?”
“How’s that possible? I believe in you, you’ll definitely get 600 and above,” Cai Man Xin said. “Besides, if you don’t do well this time, there’s still next time.”
“Forget it. That means my ability is just up to that level.” He Luo opened her palm. “I won’t waste GRE and TSE registration fee, I’ll just be good and become a postgraduate student.”
“You’re really not ambitious!”
“Is only studying abroad considered ambitious?” He Luo laughed.
“Stop arguing,” Ye Zhi said, as she slipped back into her covers and continued her sleep. “He Luo just subconsciously doesn’t want to go overseas. If she can avoid GRE, that’s even better.”
He Luo turned around without a word.
Cai Man Xin widened her eyes at her. “Are you still harboring some kind of fantasy?”
“What fantasy?” He Luo pretended not to understand.
“You should be thinking about your future and not let another person obstruct your dreams.” Cai Man Xin stomped her feet. “Some people are worth it, some people aren’t.”
“I know. I’ve completely understood,” He Luo said. “But there are many things that I can’t just forget just because I want to.”
“I can’t be bothered with you. I’m going to grab lunch.” Cai Man Xin walked away in anger. “In these few months, has he given you any kind of explanation?”
No explanation.
He was not the person he once was.
In a moment, she suddenly found that her once deep feelings were now completely barren.
The dorm room was quiet, the lights weren’t on either. Out the window facing south was the tall French sycamore tree, the sunlight weaving through the leave to spill on the long wooden table in the room.
He Luo opened the drawer. Inside was a stack of white envelopes. The two topmost envelopes contained her unsent letters to Zhang Yuan.
The first one was the long letter full of self-pity, the second one was written last night. There was only one sentence: “Tomorrow I will be sitting for my TOEFL. What about you? What are you doing? Goodbye, my first love. Goodnight.”
Exhausted. Her heart was unimaginably exhausted.
Ten minutes past midnight, He Luo suddenly became sober.
No more no why, no more no cry.
Love has come to an end, but one’s lifetime is still so long. You have let go, I can now soar without any worry. All this, I’ve already understood. Please, give me some time to forget.
He Luo’s mood was persistently low. She couldn’t allow leisure time to herself; when it happened, her first thought was to give Zhang Yuan a call, to hear him speak and laugh. She had such a desire because it had been so long since she had a proper chat with him. Every time they talked on the phone, there were only the routine greetings, a few courtesy words, before falling into silence. What should she say? She couldn’t find a suitable topic. The future was too far away, the present was too heavy, the past was too limiting.
Silence. They didn’t even have a reason to argue. There was nothing to break the silence.
Cai Man Xin wanted to sign up for the second TOEFL test in May in the north outskirts, so she persuaded He Luo to accompany her.
“I haven’t figured out if I want to go abroad,” He Luo said. “I need to see Zhang Yuan’s plan.”
“It’s very beneficial for the mathematics major students to go abroad,” Cai Man Xin said. “You guys can discuss slowly. What’s the big deal of taking a simple test? Even if you don’t go abroad, it will still help you when you apply for jobs in foreign-owned companies. If your reading score is high, you’re even exempted from taking the English test for the postgraduate examination.”
He Luo told Zhang Yuan, “I’ll just take the test for fun. I don’t really need to apply for overseas.” His response was plain: “It’s good if you apply for that.”
She asked, “You want me to go overseas?”
He replied, “It’s your future. I can’t make the decision for you.”
It was a familiar line. Three years ago, he told her, “You have to decide on your own.”
He Luo was unhappy. “We’re discussing the future of us both, not mine alone. I didn’t say I must go abroad, I just wanted to listen to your plan.”
Zhang Yuan didn’t want to share his plan because he can imagine He Luo’s response. She will warmly encourage him but worry about the risks he will be taking. Adventure, fantasy, naive ―all those words will definitely be brought up. On one hand, she didn’t like people who were obsessed with studying and would always complain about her roommates, how Tong Jia Ying studied until she was a complete muddlehead. She said, despite Tong Jia Ying’s excellent results, she should participate more in social activities. On the other hand, she would always advise him to focus on his studies.
It appeared that He Luo has double standards. If back then he was admitted into Tsinghua, will she still ask him to give up on his dreams? Zhang Yuan was depressed. He was still the same person. He had just slipped up once, was it enough to negate his entire self?
The winter that year came early. Temperatures in both cities dropped drastically, making it exceptionally cold. Their love was turned into ice, their memories frozen. Their cold estrangement was an iceberg floating on still water. There were too many details that was impossible to explain. He Luo was tired of explaining to her friends, so she just simply shut down. She didn’t know that Zhang Yuan was just like her, experiencing the coldest winter in his lifetime. Fu Peng insisted on never programming again and introduced Zhang Yuan to another open source programmer. But naturally since Zhang Yuan was not close to the programmer, the programmer was also hesitant to teach him much and mostly send him to do menial errands. Zhang Yuan refused to give up and started speculating consumer needs from eavesdropping in the workshop, studying reference books. He did this day and night, every day. But his improvement was too slow. His ideas were often denied; it was either they were naive or inefficient.
“Young’un, you’re lacking experience after all.” Those was what they often said. Zhang Yuan would rather they mock him than sympathise him, at least that was more bearable. He pondered about it over and over, where he can find an opportunity, how he can get recognition. He thought too much. By the time he realised, it was already final exams.
For the first time in his life, he knew what was it like to fail. Further, it was for two subjects. If he failed just another one, he wouldn’t be able to keep his scholarship.
This time He Luo returned, she came home with a first class scholarship. She was visibly happy about it and was evidently high-spirited the entire time. When they took the taxi, Zhang Yuan was quiet. The temperature inside the car lowered to a freezing point. The two was forced to start a conversation, and the driver piped in, “Listening to your accent, it doesn’t seem like you’re a local.”
He Luo laughed. “Oh dear, I’m born and bred here. I just went to Beijing to study.”
The driver was envious. “The capital is a great place. You can even see the National Day parade.”
“I even participated in it,” He Luo chattered more excitedly, elaborating on her experience.
Right now, he could still respond appropriately, but what about in the future? What about when she travels to an even wider world? He had once vowed that not applying abroad was the true test for one’s ability. But now, it was like what she has once said: Winner takes all.
Right. It was the same kind of kite, but the one not flying in the air was the loser. And she would be flying higher and further. He could only look up at her disappearing sight. When he look down at his taut string, he can only see that was how far his string would go.
*
In the days following and after the spring festival, He Luo caught a virus and was bedridden with fever for more than a week. In daytime, her temperature wa 37 degrees. At night, it rose to 40 degrees. Mom’s heart was broken as she saw He Luo getting progressively weaker. She urged Dad, “You have so many old friends. Hurry up and think of a solution, see if you know any good doctors.”
Dad was helpless. “This is not some kind of rare disease. Look, even if you take her to some ordinary doctor or to the chief physician, the diagnosis would be the same. Other than eating well and getting enough sleep, there’s no other solution.”
“If this goes on any longer, the fever will fry her brain. Look at your daughter, she’s dizzy and feels faint every day,” Mom said, tears almost spilling.
“It’s good for her to be a little sick. That way her immune system can be strengthened,” Dad tried to comfort his wife. “A fever is actually good to detoxify the body.”
“Exactly. I’m fine,” He Luo forced herself to smile. “I just slept so much that I no longer have any sense of morning and night.” Even smiling felt like a chore. She turned her head to look out the window, at the streets that were as empty as her heart. There was a translucent layer of frost lining the window glass, refracting the light into strange patterns. An intoxicating nostalgia engulfed her. Yet the singing of the Carpenters was not enough to trade for yesterday. Yesterday never once more.
Why would he say those words? It must be the fever scrambling her brain, messing her memories, and making it seem like her nightmare was real.
Zhang Yuan said, “Let’s break up. I’m not the kind of person that you want.”
“Stop playing around.” He Luo pulled on his sleeve but her hand was gently removed. He turned around to leave, leaving He Luo on the side of a street at eight at night. It was minus thirty degrees, so cold even the snow falling on her eyebrow would not melt.
He was joking, right? He Luo stood there without moving, dazed. The two of them were in constant cold war, so they were both exhausted. On the phone, He Luo once said, “We need to give each other time and calm down.”
She said she was tired from the running and wanted to rest. Yet he actually said not to run anymore, that it was game over.
Game over. Can he act as if their past had never happened, clear his mental archives and start over? He Luo can’t.
Sitting behind him, sketching his side profile like a silly girl. Under the yellow streetlight, his laughing face as he said, “He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.”
When the fireflies flew, he said, “I’m very happy just being with you.”
They hugged, kissed. In the winter, she was holding baked sweet potatoes, he was holding her hand. Without him, her life was blank. Yet he actually ended their relationship just like that, saying, “I’m not the kind of person that you want.”
He Luo broke down on the side of the street, sobbing uncontrollably. But you are the one that I want. You once held my hand and said, “I’m thinking the same thing as you are.” Isn’t that right? What I want is to be with you forever. What about you?
By the time she snapped to her senses, she had already stood in the cold for half an hour. The chill had seeped into every corner of her body. She shivered, her teeth chattered. It was only then that she realised she had been standing in the same place, staring in the direction he had went. I want to go home, she thought. While there’s still some warmth left. It’s too cold here. Where’s her mom’s embrace?
On the bus, the lights were still flickering, some hitting across her cheek. On the streets were a crowd of happy people, flying past outside the window. There was no difference compared to three years ago, it was just that he was no longer by her side, no longer holding her hand.
*
In the days after, He Luo signed up for even more classes, to bury herself in so much class work so she could forget. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to try and hold onto him. The break up was too sudden. She didn’t even dare to believe that it was all already over. She wrote an email to Zhang Yuan to ask: “Tell me the real reason. Don’t worry whether I can take it, I just want the honest truth.” But he didn’t answer.
Was there a need to continue to badger him for an explanation? She wanted to tell him that she couldn’t live without him. Perhaps this was true, but she couldn’t say it. She has her determination and her own pride.
Shen Lie came over to look for her, jokingly taking away her bag. “Hey, don’t go to the library this Sunday. Come and see our drama club rehearsal.”
“I don’t know anything about drama.” She shook her head.
“This time our play is an adaptation of Antigone, a classic Greek tragedy.” Shen Lie laughed. “Can I invite your uncle to comment on our play? With his help, our chances at the competition will be that much higher.”
“What competition?” He Luo was surprised. “And since when you’ve joined the drama club? I didn’t even know.”
“It’s an inter-university competition,” he said. “Of course you don’t know. I rarely tell others about these little things about me.”
“Oh…” He Luo smiled, no longer talking.
He said, “Do you know why I joined the drama club? Because there’s opportunities to meet girls. Normally girls are all standoffish and is particularly hard to get along with. When it comes to acting, they’ll naturally throw themselves at me, holding my hand, looking at me with puppy eyes, shouting ‘Ah, my dear…’”
He paused. Seeing He Luo’s focus on him, he continued, “That girl hold onto my hand, shouting, ‘Ah, my dear father!’”
Only a few select people knew what happened over the winter break. Tian Xin was incredibly angered. “Zhang Yuan didn’t know how to appreciate his good fortune. Next time I see him, I’ll beat him up, tie him, and bring him back.”
He Luo laughed briefly and leaned her head on Tian Xin’s shoulder. Looking down, she quietly sighed, “If he can be moved, will we even break up?”
“Then what do you plan to do?”
“I don’t know,” He Luo replied. “As long as Zhang Yuan has made his decision, I’ll unconditionally support whatever he wants to do. What I want is not to go abroad or become a postgraduate student. I want us to be together. But each time I can’t convey this wish properly, it’s like I’m lowering my pride to beg him. Have you heard of the song I Care for You The Most? I like everything about the song except this part where they said, ‘So I beg of you, don’t let me leave you.’ It’s too subservient.”
In her mind, He Luo wanted to love with dignity and courage, yet her useless heart was aching. When she was attending an economic class, she was still in low spirits. She sketched a cake and an ice-cream on her notebook, saying, “This is the first time I didn’t send him a greeting card for his birthday.”
“Having chosen our class, not only aren’t you paying attention, you’re even thinking of that useless bastard!” Cai Man Xin was so angry that she grabbed He Luo’s notebook. He Luo resisted and the two of them engaged in a tug-of-war over the book.
Cai Man Xin loosened her hold, catching He Luo off guard. In one slip of a hand, the book flew over to the end of their long seat. Shen Lie turned around and stretched an arm to pick it up.
“Look at that brat. He often looked down on social sciences but now he’s always present in this class. He’s up to something.” Cai Man Xin made a ‘heng’ sound but then smiled. “To be honest, don’t you find Shen Lie pretty good? He’s really, really, really better than Zhang Yuan.”
“I didn’t say he’s not good,” He Luo said. “But you know, feelings are like sunk costs. It doesn’t matter if he’s superior in every aspect, I’ve already dumped all my capital into that one property and can’t recoup my loss.”
“If you know it’s a sunk cost, then why are you still investing in it?” Cai Man Xin pursed her lips.
“Yes, I’m choosing to minimise my loss,” He Luo said, smiling. “I keep hoping they won’t liquidate my property.”
Cai Man Xin sighed. “Feelings are a complicated matter, there’s really no logic to it.” She then continued, “I have never cared for someone as much as you do. Say, how do you know that you’ve fallen for someone?”
He Luo thought for a moment. “When you first like someone, it’ll make you become silly, foolish, and timid. When you’re with him, your tongue will be tied. But when you really fall in love, you’ll be brave to the point of recklessness. You won’t care about the consequences. Simply put, you’ll be unlike yourself.”
Cai Man Xin breathed a sigh of relief. “Good thing I haven’t experienced my loss of self. I think in the future I won’t either.”
“Sooner or later,” He Luo said. “I once said what you’ve just said. But when love comes, whatever you’ve once vowed become pointless.”
Everything becomes pointless. He Luo tossed and turned in her sleep every night. Her hurting self was defeating her pride and arrogance. She can just throw away her pride, she can lower her head. Whatever Zhang Yuan wanted, she would give him. So be it. Even though my heart is anxious, I’m even more worried about losing you.
She remembered Tian Xin’s words. If she missed someone, she should cry it out, was that very hard? If she went to him and cried, will he helplessly embrace her, and say, “Don’t cry anymore. If your eyes become anymore swollen, I won’t want you anymore.” She dreamed this scenario a few times. Each time she woke, she didn’t know if it was hope or bitterness that she tasted.
*
Zhao Cheng Jie sent He Luo a sudden QQ message. Without any courtesy greetings, he went straight to the point: “Are you still with Zhang Yuan?”
He Luo was briefly stunned. She didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t tell any of their old classmates about what happened that winter. She vaguely answered, “Oh, same old, same old.”
“I spotted him dining with a pretty girl for a few days straight, their actions somewhat ambiguous,” Zhao Cheng Jie wrote. “So I teased him, asking for cover-up fee so I won’t tell He Luo. He then said, ‘Oh. We have already broken up.’”
We have already broken up. Did he say that exactly? In what tone? With nostalgia or with indifference? Perhaps the latter.
A pretty girl by his side… He Luo typed furiously at her keyboard, “Since you already know, why are you still asking me!?”
Zhao Cheng Jie then laughed. “Didn’t you initiate the breakup? We’re all guessing that it’s because you’re looking down on us who are in the provincial university after going to Beijing.”
He Luo was bitter, but still typed a smiley face: “:) Why don’t you all think that it’s him who dumps the old for new? That he didn’t want me because I’m not pretty enough?”
Zhao Cheng Jie was silent for a long while before finally understanding what she was getting at. “In the past, was there a lack of pretty girls who had a crush on him? How could it be he who initiated the break up… he loves you so much. Back then he even stood more than twenty hours on the train just to go to see you in Beijing.”
“The electricity is about to be cut!” The teacher in charge of the PC room called. “Everyone, turn off your computers… The female student over there, hurry up and go. Electricity is about to be cut soon.”
He Luo didn’t dare to turn around. As soon as the tension in her shoulders relaxed, tears were drenching her entire face.
He loves you so much, he loves you so much.
Yes. He loves me so much. He once loved me.
He Luo phoned her roommates to tell them she was going to a relative’s house and spent the night wandering on the streets. She caught a random bus and sat down. She watched the countless neon lights flying past the window. The warmth from entwining their hands together, the coldness from her jealousy that winter. She let her forehead drop against the window, as the tears fall without an end.
Sitting in the 24-hour bus, she wrote a long letter to reminisce of their moments together:
“When I pick up my pen, I can’t help but cry, my breath choked. Do you still remember? When you held my hand during the basketball training. When you recommended a dentist when my teeth hurt. When you complained how sour the lollipop I gave you was. When you borrowed a bicycle that rang everywhere but from the bell. When you whistled and took me on a ride. When you wrote me four letters a day. When you spent more than twenty hours standing on the train just to see me. When you call me a mean girl, you said, ‘He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.’
But you really let go when you said you would. Have you ever thought that the person next to me in the future won’t be you anymore? Perhaps you don’t even care, do you? But when I think about how the person next to you won’t be, my heart hurt until it ached, so much that I wish I didn’t hold onto these feelings for you.
I know you’re exhausted. So am I. I also want to slow down, take a deep breath, and rest a while. I always thought we are two persons on the same path in life. If we have gotten tired of our journey, we’ll help each other to continue and never leave anyone behind. But, you told me to go, that I’m not a person in your path. Are our feelings a burden to each other?”
In a fit of emotions, she wrote it all down. The next day was a weekend. She returned to her room to sleep. For the first time, she slept peacefully and serenely. When she woke, she read the letter and realised how subservient she sounded, like a damsel in distress crying in despair, kissing the prince’s feet, begging for God’s salvation.
If Zhang Yuan can so calmly break up with her, without arguing, without hesitation, it was surely because he had thought long and hard about it. How can a mere letter change his mind?
To hold out her hand, to cry and beg for a person to change his mind, all these things He Luo couldn’t bring herself to do.
What if he steeled his heart and refuse? Even if she had lost her love, at least she still had her pride.
She didn’t want to completely disgrace herself.
When all the crying and sadness had numbed her, He Luo repeatedly questioned herself if she had really loved Zhang Yuan as deeply as she did in the past? Why did she agreed when he said to break up, and didn’t try and change his mind? Again and again, she was quiet. It seemed like she had never once questioned her own feelings.
Since autumn, all the way to the break up in the winter, was he ever warm and kind to you? Did he experience your happiness and sadness? Did he ask about what was going in your life? Did he thought seriously about your life and future together?
He didn’t. Isn’t it?
Is his dream also your dream? Do you think he’s working hard? Do you think his future is brilliant and bright? Do you believe that he’ll surpass your everything? Does his pursuit in life intersects with yours? Can he give you the life you want?
He can’t. Isn’t it?
What you feel for him, is it still love? The so-called determination and heartache, is it because of your attachment to him or simply because of your nostalgia for your youthful memories?
Can you guarantee that, under the current circumstances, you can be with him without any regrets?
The weather was gradually growing warmer. Out of the blue, He Luo opened a fragrant bead bag. The lilac scent permeated the midnight air. It was a common flower in her hometown, in floral language it was dubbed the ‘first love’. In its sweet fragrance, there was a hint of melancholy.
*
The next day He Luo sat for the TOEFL exam. He Luo’s hearing skill was always decent, grammar and reading even more so. After taking several mock exams, she was dragged to the examination hall by Cai Man Xin.
On her way there, the cold wind helped her clear her mind quite a fair bit. She hasn’t eaten. There was only a Dove dark chocolate bar she bought yesterday in her pocket. She broke off a tiny part and gingerly savoured the familiar fragrance.
As serene as she felt since yesterday afternoon, her heart still carried melancholy.
How many years had it been? Three year, no, four years ago, when Zhang Yuan was still far from her reach, he was a constant presence in her diary. Remembering how he tutored her in physics, how he taught her basketball, how he gave her a dark chocolate bar before their final exams.
“Relax yourself. I wish you good luck!” Zhang Yuan had said.
“You’re giving me everything? What about you?”
“My luck is always good.” He tilted his head and smiled. His confidence infected He Luo. The world was suddenly bursting with the taste of summer and became all that much brighter.
Yet in this moment, there was only the dazzling sun, shining a lonesome path in front.
Cai Man Xin saw how He Luo enjoyed the chocolate and teased, “Hey, don’t just focus on eating and forget how to answer questions later.”
He Luo squeezed a smile out of herself. She understood that now that she was taking this step, she was no longer heading towards the same direction as he was.
By the time she returned to her dorm, it was already noon. The lazy Ye Zhi was bleary-eyed when she asked, “How was it? Did you answer the questions smoothly?”
She replied, “Just so-so. I think I won’t be able to use the results.”
Cai Man Xin overheard as she passed their room. She ran over and popped her head in to say, “Don’t listen to her nonsense. There are only a few questions I couldn’t grasp accurately. Her answers and mine aren’t that different, she’ll definitely have no problem with the other questions. I’m a 650-mark candidate, you know.”
He Luo pinched her nose. “Yes, yes. You always get 650, can’t I get 560?”
“How’s that possible? I believe in you, you’ll definitely get 600 and above,” Cai Man Xin said. “Besides, if you don’t do well this time, there’s still next time.”
“Forget it. That means my ability is just up to that level.” He Luo opened her palm. “I won’t waste GRE and TSE registration fee, I’ll just be good and become a postgraduate student.”
“You’re really not ambitious!”
“Is only studying abroad considered ambitious?” He Luo laughed.
“Stop arguing,” Ye Zhi said, as she slipped back into her covers and continued her sleep. “He Luo just subconsciously doesn’t want to go overseas. If she can avoid GRE, that’s even better.”
He Luo turned around without a word.
Cai Man Xin widened her eyes at her. “Are you still harboring some kind of fantasy?”
“What fantasy?” He Luo pretended not to understand.
“You should be thinking about your future and not let another person obstruct your dreams.” Cai Man Xin stomped her feet. “Some people are worth it, some people aren’t.”
“I know. I’ve completely understood,” He Luo said. “But there are many things that I can’t just forget just because I want to.”
“I can’t be bothered with you. I’m going to grab lunch.” Cai Man Xin walked away in anger. “In these few months, has he given you any kind of explanation?”
No explanation.
He was not the person he once was.
In a moment, she suddenly found that her once deep feelings were now completely barren.
The dorm room was quiet, the lights weren’t on either. Out the window facing south was the tall French sycamore tree, the sunlight weaving through the leave to spill on the long wooden table in the room.
He Luo opened the drawer. Inside was a stack of white envelopes. The two topmost envelopes contained her unsent letters to Zhang Yuan.
The first one was the long letter full of self-pity, the second one was written last night. There was only one sentence: “Tomorrow I will be sitting for my TOEFL. What about you? What are you doing? Goodbye, my first love. Goodnight.”
Exhausted. Her heart was unimaginably exhausted.
Ten minutes past midnight, He Luo suddenly became sober.
No more no why, no more no cry.
Love has come to an end, but one’s lifetime is still so long. You have let go, I can now soar without any worry. All this, I’ve already understood. Please, give me some time to forget.
