He Luo returned to campus at the end of the spring festival.
Cai Man Xin, who had also returned early to prepare for her GRE test, was surprised to see her. “Why are you also back so early?”
“Trust me, I want to stay home for a few more days too. But the faculty told me to come back because the visiting professor I’ve once interpreted for is visiting again. Since I’m already familiar with him, they’re not looking for anyone else.” He Luo handed Cai Man Xin a bag of bread. “Here, the Russian bread you wanted. I can’t carry the rest. There’s not much difference anyway.”
“Ah, is it the bigwig from Caltech? This is such a good opportunity. If the mood suits him, who knows if he’ll just offer you a place at his university? You won’t even need apply for it.”
“I did think about it if I should apply,” He Luo hesitated to say.
Cai Man Xin widened her eyes. “Why not? Why the hesitation?” She understood when she saw He Luo’s dazed and tender expression. “Oh, seems like you didn’t practice making the porridge in for nothing. You have to get to a man’s heart through his stomach. Did you two get back together?”
“No…” He Luo sounded guilty, knowing Cai Man Xin was going to lecture her again. “I can’t talk, I have to go pick the professor from the airport.”
“Tsk, tsk. I’ve not even started and you’re already running away.” Cai Man Xin scoffed at her friend’s behaviour. “Can’t you just break it off cleanly? If you can be with him, then be with him. If you can’t, just forget him. There’s a lack of three-legged toads in this world, but isn’t there no end of two-legged men running around in the streets?”
He Luo laughed as she pulled on her coat. “Yes, yes. They’re everywhere. But why don’t I see you meeting any of them?”
“That’s because I’m sending them away. I have so many things to do right now. Where do I find the free time to think about them?” Cai Man Xin stuck out her tongue. “You think I don’t want to love passionately and selflessly? It’s just that the men around me are either too realistic, too unambitious, or too childish. I don’t have the free time [American time] to go and unveil their potential.”
“Yes, yes. We’ll wait for you to go America and see if you have that American time you speak of.” He Luo laughed. “I really have to go. The plane is landing soon.”
On the bus ride to the airport, He Luo took out her phone. She wanted to send Zhang Yuan a text but she didn’t know what to say.
“Is Yantai cold?”
“I’m already back in Beijing.”
“Is your stomach still hurting? Take care and stop drinking so much.”
“What time will you becoming home?”
She had once asked all these questions. Perhaps he was meeting a client, drinking as businessmen do. Each time he replied to her texts, it was as short as humanly possible.
“Not cold.”
“Okay.”
“Got it.”
“Not sure.”
She edited the long text she typed out: “This break, I keep wanting to tell you if I don’t want to give up. Does that mean I should try getting back with you? But, as you know, some things I can’t accomplish just because I alone am trying hard. If we don’t have such a chance to meet again, will we separate just like this?”
She felt that her words were inappropriate so she amended it one by one. In the end, she just deleted everything and started anew: “The person I like you is still you.”
Again and again, she pressed the preview button. She imagined his expression as he tooked out his phone and his long and delicate fingers pressing the keyboard. The only thing she could not imagine was his response. Zhang Yuan was friendly, but not intimate with her. In his heart, perhaps he no longer had strong feelings for her?
What about her?
The one I like you is still you. That was a simple fact, not an impassioned slogan. Earlier, she had the fiery determination to get him back and mustered the courage to recoup the feelings she had in her youth. But with such obstacles, that passion had gradually dimmed.
Was the freshness of a love really that brief…
The calm that washed over He Luo was so sudden she could not explain it. She had tossed the phone in her hands for so long that it had warmed.
The bus had passed the toll at the airport. As the green road signs outside flashed outside her window, He Luo repeated the tongue-twisting names of the professor and his wife in her head: Mr and Mrs Zawistowski. From the sound of their names, it seemed like they came from Eastern Europe. Both were about 60, but still in good health. Professor Zawistowski had even participated in the California interstate marathon last year, clocking in at 3 hours and 8 minutes. This year, he was also gearing up to sign up for the Beijing international marathon.
It was truly blissful to be like him. He can do whatever he wished and go wherever he wanted. Truly a happy, satisfying life. As for He Luo, all sorts of worries were weighing down her heart.
She buried the confession text deep in the drafts folder of her phone. No matter what, she could not find the courage to send it out.
He Luo felt like a coward. Zhang Yuan still owed her an explanation as to why he broke up with her. In her mind, she had made countless assumptions, but did not have the courage to ask. She was afraid she would receive a reason that she had long predicted, but was never able to accept. Yes, she didn’t know how to face such a Zhang Yuan.
If Zhang Yuan’s prideful self was tired of her, bored of her, wanted to retreat from her back then, how was the situation now better? Even if she cried in front of him, shouted, begged, what would change if they had gotten back together? Their problems still exist. Like a silent stone, passersby at night would never be able to guess where it would appear. Even as they walk on a path as familiar to them as the back of their hands, they might still trip on the stone and fall harder than the last time.
“I don’t have the courage to trip on the same stone and fall a second time.” He Luo rubbed her arms.
“That’s too depressing. Will I even have the confidence to fall in love anymore?”
Ye Zhi said, “You won’t trip. But you hug the stone for so long that you might as well use it as a stool to sit on. If you don’t start digging, it’ll forever remain in its place.”
“I will. I will,” He Luo said. “But between us, it’s not something that a phrase such as ‘I like you, let’s be together’ can solve. I’ve already tried and I believe he understands my intentions. But if he doesn’t any desire to turn back, what can I do? Do I threaten him with a knife or by jumping into a river? Actually, I want to tell him clearly that I really…”
For a moment, she was speechless. Tong Jia Ying lifted her head from the pile of books she was reading and chimed in. “Really what?”
“That I really can’t live without Zhang Yuan, that I won’t marry anyone but him.” Ye Zhi harrumphed. “Girl, you can’t even say that frankly in front of us. What more in front of Zhang Yuan?”
Indeed, she had no idea how to open her mouth to say these words. Her chest felt stuffy and her vocal cord refused to work. Every sound she made disappeared into the air. She was like this in front of him, stingy with her passions.
If she revealed what she truly felt inside, perhaps her tears would fall first.
He Luo did not want Zhang Yuan to turn back simply because her tears softened his heart. She did not need splendid fireworks or a meteor shower. Those were not the endings she wanted. What she wanted was an everlasting promise.
The more beautiful the mirage it was, the more of an illusion it was.
Seconds before the lights were turned off in the room, Zhou Xing Yan ran in, patting her chest. “I was almost caught by the warden! Luckily I ran the moment she got distracted with turning off the lights.” She held up the emergency light in her hand, swaying the flickering light in front of He Luo. The white light was bright and piercing in the darkness.
“I’m seeing a ghost at night.” He Luo laughed, twisting the light to shine at Zhou Xing Yan’s eyes.“Look, it’s a demoness. You didn’t manage to get any water, did you? I have some in my bucket. If you want, you can take it yourself.”
“Ah, Luo Luo. I love you most.” Zhou Xing Yan reached out to the squeeze He Luo’s cheeks. A startled He Luo jumped up and smacked her on the butt.
“You won’t die if I touch a little. Why are you smacking so hard? It really hurts! How do I sleep later on?” Zhou Xing Yan cried. “As compensation, give me Professor Towski’s notes for reference.”
“Tong Jia Ying’s notes are the most complete,” He Luo said. “There are many parts that I don’t understand that I need to ask her.”
“Her handwriting is too terrible…” Zhou Xing Yan bit He Luo’s ear.
“You’re begging for rice yet complain it’s rotten.” He Luo glared at her.
“It’s really bad.” Ye Zhi laughed. “Fortunately I dropped out after attending a few lectures. I noticed afterwards that all those who attended were first year postgraduate students or those in fourth years. And those who are unafraid to die like you all.”
Tong Jia Ying said, “It’s a bit hard, but it’s very interesting.”
He Luo sighed. “It’s interesting, but it’s also really hard. Too bad he chose me as the teaching assistant. Fortunately I don’t have to do anything else. I just have to take attendance and upload test score.”
“You’re too lucky!” Zhou Xing Yan said. “You’re so bloody lucky! If he writes you a recommendation letter in the future, won’t you have your pick of American ivy leagues?”
“Yes, yes.” He Luo smiled bitterly. “If he writes me a recommendation letter to NASA, I’ll be our country’s first astronaut.”
“There’s nothing good about the moon. Chang’e lives a pitiful life,” Ye Zhi slowly said, her tone carrying compassion.
He Luo did not have the time to think about the moon, or the sun, or whatever. She was busy in the university’s reading room, circling the place over and over hunting for a few books. Were the books she was looking for not prohibited for loan? So why could she not find them on the shelf? Refusing to give up, she started looking at the books one by one. The English titles on the books were all printed horizontally, so she was forced to bend her head to see. Her neck felt immensely sore. When she finally found the books Professor Towski included as recommended additional reading, she was so excited when grabbing the book and nearly twisted her neck in the process. It hurt so much she cried.
“You must’ve twisted your neck.” Shen Lie’s voice came from beside her. “You’ve gotten the book before I could. I just knew it. After someone used these books, they hid it away not wanting others to find it.” He extended his hand. “Let me carry the books. Hurry up and massage your neck.”
He Luo looked up and smiled. They had not been together alone like this for a long time. It was as if they both wanted to avoid any possible awkwardness.
“Still daydreaming. Hurry up and give me.” Shen Lie lowered his voice and laughed. “Do you think I would hide away your books?”
“You can take a look first.” He Luo stood there for a long while, twisting her sore body. She sat on the ground, Indian-style, and rubbed her tense neck. Quietly she moaned, “My neck.”
Shen Lie shook his head as he laughed and sat beside her companionably. He lowered his head and flipped the book. It was so quiet that only the sound of rustling could be heard.
“Did you also choose this class?” The two of them turned to each other at the same time and asked this uselessly polite question. In the past few weeks, every Wednesday for three hours, were their presences a mirage?
He Luo wanted to apologise, but words like “thank you” and “sorry” were both polite yet hurtful. Besides, what reason did she have to say them? The other person did not make his confession. These words would just seem like a condescending form of charity.
Spring would always make people feel lazy and drowsy. The sunshine would sometimes alternate between brightness and dimness. When the weather cleared up, the peach blossom flowers outside would be dazzlingly pink. The smell of piled-up old books tangled with the refreshing scent of soap.
Every time Shen Lie came close, she would inevitably be reminded of Zhang Yuan. There was nothing to compare. She can only apologise to him.
Shen Lie was still flipping the book, with no intention of opening his mouth. The air in the room gradually slowed to a still. He Luo could not break the silence, so she quietly grabbed a book from the shelf. It was their university yearbook. After reading for a good while, she could not understand anything. She left the book open on her lap, allowing the light to fall on the pages.
“Seriously! I can’t find any of the books we need.” From the other side of the shelf, the complaining voice of a girl floated over.
“What can we do? So many people signed up for his class. Everyone wants to get closer to the legendary figure.”
“How many recommendation letters do you think he’ll write for the people in the class?”
“Don’t know… Either way, we don’t have hope.”
The two girls sighed. He Luo could tell they were postgraduate students who were in Professor Zawistowski’s class. Out of the blue, her name was brought up in their conversation.
“He Luo’s a third year, isn’t she? Why is she the teaching assistant?”
“Doesn’t have to mark classwork. Only has to be good at English.”
“Is her English that good? I heard she did so-so on her TOEFL. You scored 657 yourself, but why didn’t he pick you?”
“My uncle isn’t from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs…” Her tone was sour. “Isn’t Professor Zawistowski funded by both countries to do this science and technology exchange project? Of course he has to give the ministry people some face.”
“It’s easy to get things done with people in the know. I didn’t expect even the Ministry of Foreign Affairs would be involved.”
“Right. So we’ll just have to focus on our GRE test, PS, and our own recommendation letters. Her? She can get in with just a word from her uncle.”
He Luo closed the book with a loud peng sound with a dark expression. She really wanted to go see those girls and shout at them, “This has nothing to do with my family members!” Before her anger could leap out from her throat, the other side could already feel the pressure. The sounds of footsteps followed as the girls rushed over to check who was on the other side of the bookshelf.
Shen Lie glanced at He Luo, got up, and put the reference book he was reading back to the shelf. “Here. There’s a copy here.” The two girls cheerfully shouted, forgetting whatever they were saying earlier.
“They’re all sour grapes. Don’t mind them.” Walking out of the reading room, Shen Lie took big steps to catch up to He Luo. “Not many mortals know the fact that you’re a deity. Without even studying much, you already achieve such a good result.”
“I beg you. Stop telling others,” He Luo helplessly said. “If it’s not for you flattering my uncle so well the other day, he wouldn’t have offered to come lecture about Greek mythology and Western literature or whatever. Who would’ve found out he’s from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs?”
“That can only prove that your entire family is capable. Just let those sour grapes envy.” Shen Lie pursed his lips. “Really, it’s already been established that the project is under the Ministry of Education. There’s nothing to do with your uncle. If I’m Professor Zawistowski, I also won’t pick them as teaching assistants. They have such bad mouths.”
“Okay, okay.” He Luo knew Shen Lie was never one to enjoy picking on others, so she stopped him. “Stop saying or you’ll be the one with a bad mouth.”
“Huh, truly I’ve wasted my good intentions and became the bad guy instead,” Shen Lie helplessly said, extending his palm.
“Who said that? You’re so kind.” He Luo smiled.
“What did you say?” Shen Lie asked.
“You’re kind.” He Luo blinked. “Am I wrong?”
“If you praise a girl, the nicest compliment you can tell her is that she’s pretty. If that’s not true, you can tell her she’s graceful. If her looks aren’t acceptable, you can say she has good temper.” Shen Lie laughed. “Similarly, if you want to praise a boy, you can say he’s smart and brave, or even handsome and charismatic. If you really can’t find any good qualities from him, you can say he’s kind.”
“Nonsense!” He Luo shook her head. “No matter man or woman, what I look for in a friend is honesty and kindness.”
“You said it yourself. Those qualities are for you to look for in a friend.” Shen Lie heavily spat out the last word.
Friend.
A friend was exactly that, someone who accompanied you whether in sadness or happiness. When you turn around and run into someone else’s arm, he still has to smile and give you his blessing.
He Luo pressed her lips together. Nothing felt appropriate, no matter if she smiled or was quiet. “I think I’m going to sit for GRE after all. I’m already studying for it anyway.”
“You’ve decided to study abroad?” Shen Lie asked.
“Not yet, but I want to give it a try,” He Luo said. “There are some things where you might not get compensated for despite your hard work. But I believe there are even more things where you can do well as long as you want it.”
“I can only wish you success. I won’t be taking GRE myself.” Shen Lie laughed. “I’ve decided to do my postgraduate studies in our faculty.”
He Luo was stunned. She always thought Shen Lie was determined to go abroad, yet he laughed and said, “I’m the kind of person who will die if I can’t say five ton of words a day. If you ask me to speak that many words in English, I’d die of exhaustion. After considering my general comfort, I decided that staying in the country is better.”
Honestly, does going abroad guarantees success? He Luo had no idea. She had always known this world to be a sphere, yet the more she understood, the larger the circumference of earth felt, and the more uncertainty she came into contact with. She wanted to see if the skies overseas were wider. She wanted to know if there will be a different kind of scenery.
If she had been desperate to go to the so-called other side of the earth, she would have gone as early as four years ago. Back then, she was unwilling to let go of her love. Today, it was still the same. Yet Zhang Yuan was a thousand miles away in their hometown. News about him were rare. He Luo only knew that he was busy. Sometimes, only sometimes, they would have a polite catch up.
“How is possible that he doesn’t even have time to sit down for a cup of coffee?” Tian Xin asked in disdain. “Meeting him is more difficult than meeting our country’s president. We can at least see the US president on television every day.”
“It doesn’t matter how many cups of coffee I want to drink. But I don’t know if he has the time to think. Whether he agrees or not, he needs time to consider. I don’t want to distract him at his busiest time.”
Tian Xin was confused. “Back then you didn’t support Zhang Yuan and said he’s just speculating. Why are you being so supportive now?”
He Luo bitterly smiled. “Sometimes I think it’s only right that he broke up with me. Back then, what I cared about most isn’t what he wants to do, but that we can’t separate. That’s why I don’t support anything risky. I care about our love too much and neglected his feelings. Yet, we still separated. When there’s no longer a romantic relationship between us, I can support all his decisions without any reservations.”
“Tch. You really have the spirit of self-criticism.” Tian Xin harrumphed. “Based on your words, this means you rather separate with him. Back then you were so determined to get back with him. It turns out you have the courage to persist, but not the courage to confess.”
More than anything else, He Luo was more concerned with Zhang Yuan’s gastritis. She did not know if he was any better. When she called to ask, she could only hear his laughter coming from faraway. “Listen carefully. I’ve been doing nothing, but resting and eating until I’m almost getting flabs. Gastritis? My stomach is doing so great I don’t even feel its existence.” He Luo still worried so she waited until she was sure Zhang Yuan wouldn’t be around and called his house number.
“I promised to write it down for Zhang Yuan, but the other day I left in a rush and forgot about it. Auntie, why don’t you copy it down?” He Luo recited the recipe for the glutinous rice porridge.
Zhang Yuan’s mom appeared to be very interested in He Luo and, from time to time, would talk to her about matters unrelated to the recipe. She smiled. “How strange. This child has never liked porridge. He says there’s not filling enough.”
He Luo pretended to not to get her meaning. “Ever since he’s gotten gastritis, he could never eat much.”
“What? Gastritis?” His mom’s voice was shrill. “That brat! He has never told me any of this.”
Afterwards, Zhang Yuan sighed. “This is the first time I know that you’ll also report someone to the authorities. You’re ruining me.” He continued, “My mom is happily cooking for me. She’s happy to finally get an excuse to make me come home often for dinner.”
“Won’t you treat yourself more delicately?” He Luo rebuked. “Are you still going to test the limits of your body?”
“If I don’t work hard, how can I finish my work?” Zhang Yuan replied. “I just accepted a project. The final meeting will be in Beijing.”
In that moment, the gentle spring breeze from outside the open window blows past He Luo’s face. Little insects squeezed past the cracks in the window, circling the yellow light from the lamp. He Luo had spent an entire day revising for her GRE test, causing her muscles all over to be sore. A cup of coffee would be a great reward for her hard work that day. The fragrant, bitter smell drifted in the air. In her ear was Karen Mok’s mellow singing.
After reading a little more, she noticed the notifications on her QQ was buzzing for her attention. She exchanged words of ridicule with her friends, some encouragement. And then she cheerfully told each of them: “He’s coming to Beijing.”
The calmness of such a night made her felt content.
He Luo had never had a resolute ambition to go overseas to continue her studies, thus she was bewildered by how far she had taken herself in this path. Being with new east(?) was something that happened a long time ago, and even her “Red Treasure” book was left dusty and covered in spider webs. She had spent only half a month revising one section of the test, but she was so relaxed and happy as if she had already completed the whole test. She spent all her days either in the library or in the study room and depended on a combination of coffee, chocolate, and her Walkman, to maintain her confidence in life. She would also think of the busy someone in the other city. Would his view out the window be as fascinating as hers? In his bustling city, will he also sometimes think of someone?
Shortly after the semester finals, He Luo’s GRE journey has also come to a full stop. The night before the test, in the moment she rose from her desk and was about to turn off the table lamp, she was overcome with an inexplicable melancholy. It made her unable to sleep. Her frantic preparation for the test had paralysed her nerves. She had spent a huge amount of her time and energy for this. Like a soldier who was preparing to go to war the next day, she was anxious yet inexplicably excited.
2,340 points. A score she can be proud of. Walking out from the examination hall, He Luo wanted to raise her head and show her happiness to all those who doubted her. It was a tiny shred of vanity on her part, she thought. Just let her display all that today. Who else will dare look down on her?
The day Zhang Yuan would come to Beijing drew closer. He Luo told her parents she would stay in campus awhile longer, with the excuse she was preparing to study overseas. Since she had nothing better to do anyway, she ended up reading some classmate’s flyer until she could memorise it.
Zhang Yuan’s meeting was late at night. He carpooled with someone he knew and met He Luo directly at her dorm. It was the first time she had seen him in a suit. Wide shoulders, an ever-straight back, a pure black suit. He Luo realised, he was no longer that young boy in T-shirt and jeans in her memory.
“What’s wrong? You don’t recognise me anymore?” Zhang Yuan took off his tie and unbuttoned the cufflinks on his shirt.
“I just realised you’ve changed a lot. I’ve forgotten what you look like.”
“I’m still like an utility pole.” Zhang Yuan laughed, so brilliantly he resembled the warm but gentle summer in their hometown.
“You still have some way to go in terms of height.” He Luo stepped on the sidewalk curb. Raising her feet like a child, coupled with her wedges, she looked at him. “Look, I’m almost as tall as you.”
Zhang Yuan stared straight at the passing vehicles on the road. Laughing, he said, “Why don’t you stand on the rooftop? You’ll definitely be so much taller than I am.”
He still had things to do and asked He Luo to go to the Internet cafe with him.
On their way there, she came across Li Yun Wei and Xu He Yang. The couple was holding hands, leisurely taking a walk. When they saw them, Li Yun Wei ran over and hit Zhang Yuan with her fist. “Deskmate, here’s a punch you deserve!” She then pointed at them, smiling purposefully. “You two, you two…”
He Luo didn’t say a word.
Zhang Yuan smiled and said, “We’re each other’s encouragement and learning partners.”
“I heard you did pretty well on your GRE,” Xu He Yang said. “Have you written your application and recommendation letters?”
He Luo shook her head. “I haven’t decided if I want to go overseas.”
In the Internet cafe, Zhang Yuan asked, “Is he going overseas?”
“Looks like it.”
“What about Li Yun Wei?”
“She didn’t say anything about that,” He Luo said. “Why didn’t you ask earlier?”
“If one is going but the other isn’t, how awkward would that be?” Zhang Yuan loosened the muscles in his shoulders.
“Maybe in the future Yun Wei will follow him, or maybe he’ll return in two years.”
“In two years, many things will change.” Zhang Yuan’s tone was neutral. “If any of them keep each other in the dark, won’t it be an international joke?”
He Luo was quiet. She found a computer behind him, sat, and turned around to see his back. After the finals, all her worries and stress melted away, leaving only an empty slate. Her heart was inevitably let down.
Time passed just like that, the air was warm and humid. When they left the Internet cafe, it was drizzling. Zhang Yuan’s steps were leisurely, but what was pitiful was He Luo’s newly washed hair. “Hurry up and walk faster,” she complained.
“My mom bought me this new pair of leather shoes, they’re really uncomfortable.” Zhang Yuan gritted his teeth and took off his coat. “Here, your high-grade umbrella. I worked up a sweat earlier anyway, I have to wash it sooner or later.”
His white breath blew over her temples, like a small piece of refreshing, clear sky. If only you stop and turn around, there would be a familiar and warm embrace waiting. Our distance is always this close, yet as far apart as a ten thousand light years.
Sometimes he would come close, sometimes he would put distance between them. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Her heart would constantly expand and constrict at the difference. For a heart to be treated this way, it will inevitably crack. When the enemy approached, she retreated. When an enemy retreated, she went closer. He Luo laughed bitterly in her heart. Both of them were dancing waltz in her head with good teamwork and tacit understanding. They complied with all the dancing rules: if they both stepped forward at the same time, someone’s foot would be stepped on. She really wanted to sit down and have a good talk with Zhang Yuan.
“Why don’t I treat you to something?” He Luo said. “The green bean sweet soup at my campus canteen is pretty nice. I’ll eat iced, you can take it warm.” They couldn’t resist ordering a plate of Viviparidae snails. Zhang Yuan said, “I can’t eat a lot. My stomach isn’t that good. If I eat too much of this, I might get an upset stomach.” Even though he said that, they still ordered another plate. His shirt was clean, his sleeves raised, as he happily used a toothpick to eat the snails.
The two of them exchanged a look. Their hands and mouths were smeared with oil, like two messy, greedy cats. They both smiled.
“I’m really envious of you. Days like this are really comfortable.” Zhang Yuan wiped his hands clean. “I’m dead tired these few days. Each day I only get about three hours of sleep. As soon as I come back to you, I’ve become entirely relaxed and don’t want to move anymore.”
Come back to you. Not coming to your place. There was only a small difference.
“Then… rest a few days here before going back.”
“I’m afraid I don’t have such luck.” Zhang Yuan frowned. “The discussion for this project is going pretty well but even more problems are cropping up. There’s not much structure to our small company. We’re a mess. To finish big projects, we have to work with other contractors. Simply put, we’re forced to compromise. Resources are limited, but if we use contractors that are recommended by people we know, there’s no problem trying to survive in this industry. But it’s very hard to widen our markets.”
In one breath, he listed all the obstacles in his startup. All of those He Luo had never encountered and couldn’t think of any solutions. She could nodded and said, “The first step is difficult for everyone. Whoever perseveres until the end will be the one to win.”
“Perseverance is one thing, but what’s more important is finding a platform for survival.”
“You… you want to go for big companies?”
“That will be so much comfortable,” he said. “But it’s true that I’ll be able to learn a lot advanced business know-how. I have to consider it carefully.” The brows he had just relaxed knotted again, his hand was on his stomach as per habit.
He Luo looked at Zhang Yuan thoughtfully. In this moment, how could she bring up things like romance and feelings and trouble him?
Zhang Yuan noticed her concerned expression and said, voice suddenly much gentler, “I’m fine. I just overate today.”
“Liar. If you’re not feeling comfortable, just eat your meds.” He Luo glanced at him. “I’ve also eaten the same food, but I’m still fine.”
His eyes narrowed into half-moons, his lips hiding a smile. “You eat so much a day. Your stomach is a high-powered four wheel drive, you don’t have to worry about a thing.”
Zhang Yuan didn’t leave for the moment. He stayed in Beijing and busied himself meeting from one scholar to another, from businessman to another. This happened day and night. This city was as wide as the ocean; He Luo’s beloved emerged from the still water, yet she could not even find his shadow or hear his voice.
His world was rapidly changing. She wasn’t sure where it all begun, but it was as if she no longer had a place to call home. He Luo wanted to find her place in a corner of Zhang Yuan’s heart, yet she can only chase after his disappearing back. She couldn’t tell if she was depressed or relieved. After all, the prideful Zhang Yuan had returned, with his confident gaze and shining brilliance.
That was the Zhang Yuan that He Luo loved most, like the boy who played basketball so many years ago, calm and persistent, with the full confidence of winning. Back then he was still a boy showered in sunshine, with clear and bright eyes, cunning like a fox, soaring in the air like an eagle. His youth radiated the sun itself, as if there was nothing that could stop him in his path.
Such a self-confident, proud Zhang Yuan had returned.
But her, where was she going?
In the beginning of everyone’s fourth year in university, they have to decide their own fates, whether they want to go into research or go abroad. Between the two, they can only choose one. He Luo’s mind was cluttered and stressed. When she thought about how she spent two sleepless months preparing to battle GRE, the scale in her heart started to sway. Yet when she thought about how doing her PhD would mean at least four years of separation, the scale swayed again. Repeatedly, she remembered her dad’s words: “A person is most afraid of losing to himself. You should decide your own path in life. If you allow someone else to dictate your highs and lows, you’ll be too easily hurt and disappointed.”
At the end of summer, the frost began to cover the roads. Soon, the snow would start to pile. Her enthusiasm and expectations were buried deep. Her personal beliefs could not win against the hand of fate. What ought to come will come, what ought to leave will also naturally turn into clouds.
When the leaves gradually fall, and the promise did not arrive, she was still unable to avoid the arrival of autumn.
He Luo’s heart had been warmed by the sunshine in the summer, it was not that easy for it to change due to the seasons. It was like the air still carried the scent of summer. The pleasant autumn would sometimes give her the illusion of that there was not much difference between the cool summer and early autumn.
Perhaps she still had the time to wait, the time to wait for Zhang Yuan’s one passionate sentence: “He Luo, stay.”
But how much longer will you let me wait and wander?
He Luo returned to campus at the end of the spring festival.
Cai Man Xin, who had also returned early to prepare for her GRE test, was surprised to see her. “Why are you also back so early?”
“Trust me, I want to stay home for a few more days too. But the faculty told me to come back because the visiting professor I’ve once interpreted for is visiting again. Since I’m already familiar with him, they’re not looking for anyone else.” He Luo handed Cai Man Xin a bag of bread. “Here, the Russian bread you wanted. I can’t carry the rest. There’s not much difference anyway.”
“Ah, is it the bigwig from Caltech? This is such a good opportunity. If the mood suits him, who knows if he’ll just offer you a place at his university? You won’t even need apply for it.”
“I did think about it if I should apply,” He Luo hesitated to say.
Cai Man Xin widened her eyes. “Why not? Why the hesitation?” She understood when she saw He Luo’s dazed and tender expression. “Oh, seems like you didn’t practice making the porridge in for nothing. You have to get to a man’s heart through his stomach. Did you two get back together?”
“No…” He Luo sounded guilty, knowing Cai Man Xin was going to lecture her again. “I can’t talk, I have to go pick the professor from the airport.”
“Tsk, tsk. I’ve not even started and you’re already running away.” Cai Man Xin scoffed at her friend’s behaviour. “Can’t you just break it off cleanly? If you can be with him, then be with him. If you can’t, just forget him. There’s a lack of three-legged toads in this world, but isn’t there no end of two-legged men running around in the streets?”
He Luo laughed as she pulled on her coat. “Yes, yes. They’re everywhere. But why don’t I see you meeting any of them?”
“That’s because I’m sending them away. I have so many things to do right now. Where do I find the free time to think about them?” Cai Man Xin stuck out her tongue. “You think I don’t want to love passionately and selflessly? It’s just that the men around me are either too realistic, too unambitious, or too childish. I don’t have the free time [American time] to go and unveil their potential.”
“Yes, yes. We’ll wait for you to go America and see if you have that American time you speak of.” He Luo laughed. “I really have to go. The plane is landing soon.”
On the bus ride to the airport, He Luo took out her phone. She wanted to send Zhang Yuan a text but she didn’t know what to say.
“Is Yantai cold?”
“I’m already back in Beijing.”
“Is your stomach still hurting? Take care and stop drinking so much.”
“What time will you becoming home?”
She had once asked all these questions. Perhaps he was meeting a client, drinking as businessmen do. Each time he replied to her texts, it was as short as humanly possible.
“Not cold.”
“Okay.”
“Got it.”
“Not sure.”
She edited the long text she typed out: “This break, I keep wanting to tell you if I don’t want to give up. Does that mean I should try getting back with you? But, as you know, some things I can’t accomplish just because I alone am trying hard. If we don’t have such a chance to meet again, will we separate just like this?”
She felt that her words were inappropriate so she amended it one by one. In the end, she just deleted everything and started anew: “The person I like you is still you.”
Again and again, she pressed the preview button. She imagined his expression as he tooked out his phone and his long and delicate fingers pressing the keyboard. The only thing she could not imagine was his response. Zhang Yuan was friendly, but not intimate with her. In his heart, perhaps he no longer had strong feelings for her?
What about her?
The one I like you is still you. That was a simple fact, not an impassioned slogan. Earlier, she had the fiery determination to get him back and mustered the courage to recoup the feelings she had in her youth. But with such obstacles, that passion had gradually dimmed.
Was the freshness of a love really that brief…
The calm that washed over He Luo was so sudden she could not explain it. She had tossed the phone in her hands for so long that it had warmed.
The bus had passed the toll at the airport. As the green road signs outside flashed outside her window, He Luo repeated the tongue-twisting names of the professor and his wife in her head: Mr and Mrs Zawistowski. From the sound of their names, it seemed like they came from Eastern Europe. Both were about 60, but still in good health. Professor Zawistowski had even participated in the California interstate marathon last year, clocking in at 3 hours and 8 minutes. This year, he was also gearing up to sign up for the Beijing international marathon.
It was truly blissful to be like him. He can do whatever he wished and go wherever he wanted. Truly a happy, satisfying life. As for He Luo, all sorts of worries were weighing down her heart.
She buried the confession text deep in the drafts folder of her phone. No matter what, she could not find the courage to send it out.
He Luo felt like a coward. Zhang Yuan still owed her an explanation as to why he broke up with her. In her mind, she had made countless assumptions, but did not have the courage to ask. She was afraid she would receive a reason that she had long predicted, but was never able to accept. Yes, she didn’t know how to face such a Zhang Yuan.
If Zhang Yuan’s prideful self was tired of her, bored of her, wanted to retreat from her back then, how was the situation now better? Even if she cried in front of him, shouted, begged, what would change if they had gotten back together? Their problems still exist. Like a silent stone, passersby at night would never be able to guess where it would appear. Even as they walk on a path as familiar to them as the back of their hands, they might still trip on the stone and fall harder than the last time.
“I don’t have the courage to trip on the same stone and fall a second time.” He Luo rubbed her arms.
“That’s too depressing. Will I even have the confidence to fall in love anymore?”
Ye Zhi said, “You won’t trip. But you hug the stone for so long that you might as well use it as a stool to sit on. If you don’t start digging, it’ll forever remain in its place.”
“I will. I will,” He Luo said. “But between us, it’s not something that a phrase such as ‘I like you, let’s be together’ can solve. I’ve already tried and I believe he understands my intentions. But if he doesn’t any desire to turn back, what can I do? Do I threaten him with a knife or by jumping into a river? Actually, I want to tell him clearly that I really…”
For a moment, she was speechless. Tong Jia Ying lifted her head from the pile of books she was reading and chimed in. “Really what?”
“That I really can’t live without Zhang Yuan, that I won’t marry anyone but him.” Ye Zhi harrumphed. “Girl, you can’t even say that frankly in front of us. What more in front of Zhang Yuan?”
Indeed, she had no idea how to open her mouth to say these words. Her chest felt stuffy and her vocal cord refused to work. Every sound she made disappeared into the air. She was like this in front of him, stingy with her passions.
If she revealed what she truly felt inside, perhaps her tears would fall first.
He Luo did not want Zhang Yuan to turn back simply because her tears softened his heart. She did not need splendid fireworks or a meteor shower. Those were not the endings she wanted. What she wanted was an everlasting promise.
The more beautiful the mirage it was, the more of an illusion it was.
Seconds before the lights were turned off in the room, Zhou Xing Yan ran in, patting her chest. “I was almost caught by the warden! Luckily I ran the moment she got distracted with turning off the lights.” She held up the emergency light in her hand, swaying the flickering light in front of He Luo. The white light was bright and piercing in the darkness.
“I’m seeing a ghost at night.” He Luo laughed, twisting the light to shine at Zhou Xing Yan’s eyes.“Look, it’s a demoness. You didn’t manage to get any water, did you? I have some in my bucket. If you want, you can take it yourself.”
“Ah, Luo Luo. I love you most.” Zhou Xing Yan reached out to the squeeze He Luo’s cheeks. A startled He Luo jumped up and smacked her on the butt.
“You won’t die if I touch a little. Why are you smacking so hard? It really hurts! How do I sleep later on?” Zhou Xing Yan cried. “As compensation, give me Professor Towski’s notes for reference.”
“Tong Jia Ying’s notes are the most complete,” He Luo said. “There are many parts that I don’t understand that I need to ask her.”
“Her handwriting is too terrible…” Zhou Xing Yan bit He Luo’s ear.
“You’re begging for rice yet complain it’s rotten.” He Luo glared at her.
“It’s really bad.” Ye Zhi laughed. “Fortunately I dropped out after attending a few lectures. I noticed afterwards that all those who attended were first year postgraduate students or those in fourth years. And those who are unafraid to die like you all.”
Tong Jia Ying said, “It’s a bit hard, but it’s very interesting.”
He Luo sighed. “It’s interesting, but it’s also really hard. Too bad he chose me as the teaching assistant. Fortunately I don’t have to do anything else. I just have to take attendance and upload test score.”
“You’re too lucky!” Zhou Xing Yan said. “You’re so bloody lucky! If he writes you a recommendation letter in the future, won’t you have your pick of American ivy leagues?”
“Yes, yes.” He Luo smiled bitterly. “If he writes me a recommendation letter to NASA, I’ll be our country’s first astronaut.”
“There’s nothing good about the moon. Chang’e lives a pitiful life,” Ye Zhi slowly said, her tone carrying compassion.
He Luo did not have the time to think about the moon, or the sun, or whatever. She was busy in the university’s reading room, circling the place over and over hunting for a few books. Were the books she was looking for not prohibited for loan? So why could she not find them on the shelf? Refusing to give up, she started looking at the books one by one. The English titles on the books were all printed horizontally, so she was forced to bend her head to see. Her neck felt immensely sore. When she finally found the books Professor Towski included as recommended additional reading, she was so excited when grabbing the book and nearly twisted her neck in the process. It hurt so much she cried.
“You must’ve twisted your neck.” Shen Lie’s voice came from beside her. “You’ve gotten the book before I could. I just knew it. After someone used these books, they hid it away not wanting others to find it.” He extended his hand. “Let me carry the books. Hurry up and massage your neck.”
He Luo looked up and smiled. They had not been together alone like this for a long time. It was as if they both wanted to avoid any possible awkwardness.
“Still daydreaming. Hurry up and give me.” Shen Lie lowered his voice and laughed. “Do you think I would hide away your books?”
“You can take a look first.” He Luo stood there for a long while, twisting her sore body. She sat on the ground, Indian-style, and rubbed her tense neck. Quietly she moaned, “My neck.”
Shen Lie shook his head as he laughed and sat beside her companionably. He lowered his head and flipped the book. It was so quiet that only the sound of rustling could be heard.
“Did you also choose this class?” The two of them turned to each other at the same time and asked this uselessly polite question. In the past few weeks, every Wednesday for three hours, were their presences a mirage?
He Luo wanted to apologise, but words like “thank you” and “sorry” were both polite yet hurtful. Besides, what reason did she have to say them? The other person did not make his confession. These words would just seem like a condescending form of charity.
Spring would always make people feel lazy and drowsy. The sunshine would sometimes alternate between brightness and dimness. When the weather cleared up, the peach blossom flowers outside would be dazzlingly pink. The smell of piled-up old books tangled with the refreshing scent of soap.
Every time Shen Lie came close, she would inevitably be reminded of Zhang Yuan. There was nothing to compare. She can only apologise to him.
Shen Lie was still flipping the book, with no intention of opening his mouth. The air in the room gradually slowed to a still. He Luo could not break the silence, so she quietly grabbed a book from the shelf. It was their university yearbook. After reading for a good while, she could not understand anything. She left the book open on her lap, allowing the light to fall on the pages.
“Seriously! I can’t find any of the books we need.” From the other side of the shelf, the complaining voice of a girl floated over.
“What can we do? So many people signed up for his class. Everyone wants to get closer to the legendary figure.”
“How many recommendation letters do you think he’ll write for the people in the class?”
“Don’t know… Either way, we don’t have hope.”
The two girls sighed. He Luo could tell they were postgraduate students who were in Professor Zawistowski’s class. Out of the blue, her name was brought up in their conversation.
“He Luo’s a third year, isn’t she? Why is she the teaching assistant?”
“Doesn’t have to mark classwork. Only has to be good at English.”
“Is her English that good? I heard she did so-so on her TOEFL. You scored 657 yourself, but why didn’t he pick you?”
“My uncle isn’t from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs…” Her tone was sour. “Isn’t Professor Zawistowski funded by both countries to do this science and technology exchange project? Of course he has to give the ministry people some face.”
“It’s easy to get things done with people in the know. I didn’t expect even the Ministry of Foreign Affairs would be involved.”
“Right. So we’ll just have to focus on our GRE test, PS, and our own recommendation letters. Her? She can get in with just a word from her uncle.”
He Luo closed the book with a loud peng sound with a dark expression. She really wanted to go see those girls and shout at them, “This has nothing to do with my family members!” Before her anger could leap out from her throat, the other side could already feel the pressure. The sounds of footsteps followed as the girls rushed over to check who was on the other side of the bookshelf.
Shen Lie glanced at He Luo, got up, and put the reference book he was reading back to the shelf. “Here. There’s a copy here.” The two girls cheerfully shouted, forgetting whatever they were saying earlier.
“They’re all sour grapes. Don’t mind them.” Walking out of the reading room, Shen Lie took big steps to catch up to He Luo. “Not many mortals know the fact that you’re a deity. Without even studying much, you already achieve such a good result.”
“I beg you. Stop telling others,” He Luo helplessly said. “If it’s not for you flattering my uncle so well the other day, he wouldn’t have offered to come lecture about Greek mythology and Western literature or whatever. Who would’ve found out he’s from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs?”
“That can only prove that your entire family is capable. Just let those sour grapes envy.” Shen Lie pursed his lips. “Really, it’s already been established that the project is under the Ministry of Education. There’s nothing to do with your uncle. If I’m Professor Zawistowski, I also won’t pick them as teaching assistants. They have such bad mouths.”
“Okay, okay.” He Luo knew Shen Lie was never one to enjoy picking on others, so she stopped him. “Stop saying or you’ll be the one with a bad mouth.”
“Huh, truly I’ve wasted my good intentions and became the bad guy instead,” Shen Lie helplessly said, extending his palm.
“Who said that? You’re so kind.” He Luo smiled.
“What did you say?” Shen Lie asked.
“You’re kind.” He Luo blinked. “Am I wrong?”
“If you praise a girl, the nicest compliment you can tell her is that she’s pretty. If that’s not true, you can tell her she’s graceful. If her looks aren’t acceptable, you can say she has good temper.” Shen Lie laughed. “Similarly, if you want to praise a boy, you can say he’s smart and brave, or even handsome and charismatic. If you really can’t find any good qualities from him, you can say he’s kind.”
“Nonsense!” He Luo shook her head. “No matter man or woman, what I look for in a friend is honesty and kindness.”
“You said it yourself. Those qualities are for you to look for in a friend.” Shen Lie heavily spat out the last word.
Friend.
A friend was exactly that, someone who accompanied you whether in sadness or happiness. When you turn around and run into someone else’s arm, he still has to smile and give you his blessing.
He Luo pressed her lips together. Nothing felt appropriate, no matter if she smiled or was quiet. “I think I’m going to sit for GRE after all. I’m already studying for it anyway.”
“You’ve decided to study abroad?” Shen Lie asked.
“Not yet, but I want to give it a try,” He Luo said. “There are some things where you might not get compensated for despite your hard work. But I believe there are even more things where you can do well as long as you want it.”
“I can only wish you success. I won’t be taking GRE myself.” Shen Lie laughed. “I’ve decided to do my postgraduate studies in our faculty.”
He Luo was stunned. She always thought Shen Lie was determined to go abroad, yet he laughed and said, “I’m the kind of person who will die if I can’t say five ton of words a day. If you ask me to speak that many words in English, I’d die of exhaustion. After considering my general comfort, I decided that staying in the country is better.”
Honestly, does going abroad guarantees success? He Luo had no idea. She had always known this world to be a sphere, yet the more she understood, the larger the circumference of earth felt, and the more uncertainty she came into contact with. She wanted to see if the skies overseas were wider. She wanted to know if there will be a different kind of scenery.
If she had been desperate to go to the so-called other side of the earth, she would have gone as early as four years ago. Back then, she was unwilling to let go of her love. Today, it was still the same. Yet Zhang Yuan was a thousand miles away in their hometown. News about him were rare. He Luo only knew that he was busy. Sometimes, only sometimes, they would have a polite catch up.
“How is possible that he doesn’t even have time to sit down for a cup of coffee?” Tian Xin asked in disdain. “Meeting him is more difficult than meeting our country’s president. We can at least see the US president on television every day.”
“It doesn’t matter how many cups of coffee I want to drink. But I don’t know if he has the time to think. Whether he agrees or not, he needs time to consider. I don’t want to distract him at his busiest time.”
Tian Xin was confused. “Back then you didn’t support Zhang Yuan and said he’s just speculating. Why are you being so supportive now?”
He Luo bitterly smiled. “Sometimes I think it’s only right that he broke up with me. Back then, what I cared about most isn’t what he wants to do, but that we can’t separate. That’s why I don’t support anything risky. I care about our love too much and neglected his feelings. Yet, we still separated. When there’s no longer a romantic relationship between us, I can support all his decisions without any reservations.”
“Tch. You really have the spirit of self-criticism.” Tian Xin harrumphed. “Based on your words, this means you rather separate with him. Back then you were so determined to get back with him. It turns out you have the courage to persist, but not the courage to confess.”
More than anything else, He Luo was more concerned with Zhang Yuan’s gastritis. She did not know if he was any better. When she called to ask, she could only hear his laughter coming from faraway. “Listen carefully. I’ve been doing nothing, but resting and eating until I’m almost getting flabs. Gastritis? My stomach is doing so great I don’t even feel its existence.” He Luo still worried so she waited until she was sure Zhang Yuan wouldn’t be around and called his house number.
“I promised to write it down for Zhang Yuan, but the other day I left in a rush and forgot about it. Auntie, why don’t you copy it down?” He Luo recited the recipe for the glutinous rice porridge.
Zhang Yuan’s mom appeared to be very interested in He Luo and, from time to time, would talk to her about matters unrelated to the recipe. She smiled. “How strange. This child has never liked porridge. He says there’s not filling enough.”
He Luo pretended to not to get her meaning. “Ever since he’s gotten gastritis, he could never eat much.”
“What? Gastritis?” His mom’s voice was shrill. “That brat! He has never told me any of this.”
Afterwards, Zhang Yuan sighed. “This is the first time I know that you’ll also report someone to the authorities. You’re ruining me.” He continued, “My mom is happily cooking for me. She’s happy to finally get an excuse to make me come home often for dinner.”
“Won’t you treat yourself more delicately?” He Luo rebuked. “Are you still going to test the limits of your body?”
“If I don’t work hard, how can I finish my work?” Zhang Yuan replied. “I just accepted a project. The final meeting will be in Beijing.”
In that moment, the gentle spring breeze from outside the open window blows past He Luo’s face. Little insects squeezed past the cracks in the window, circling the yellow light from the lamp. He Luo had spent an entire day revising for her GRE test, causing her muscles all over to be sore. A cup of coffee would be a great reward for her hard work that day. The fragrant, bitter smell drifted in the air. In her ear was Karen Mok’s mellow singing.
After reading a little more, she noticed the notifications on her QQ was buzzing for her attention. She exchanged words of ridicule with her friends, some encouragement. And then she cheerfully told each of them: “He’s coming to Beijing.”
The calmness of such a night made her felt content.
He Luo had never had a resolute ambition to go overseas to continue her studies, thus she was bewildered by how far she had taken herself in this path. Being with new east(?) was something that happened a long time ago, and even her “Red Treasure” book was left dusty and covered in spider webs. She had spent only half a month revising one section of the test, but she was so relaxed and happy as if she had already completed the whole test. She spent all her days either in the library or in the study room and depended on a combination of coffee, chocolate, and her Walkman, to maintain her confidence in life. She would also think of the busy someone in the other city. Would his view out the window be as fascinating as hers? In his bustling city, will he also sometimes think of someone?
Shortly after the semester finals, He Luo’s GRE journey has also come to a full stop. The night before the test, in the moment she rose from her desk and was about to turn off the table lamp, she was overcome with an inexplicable melancholy. It made her unable to sleep. Her frantic preparation for the test had paralysed her nerves. She had spent a huge amount of her time and energy for this. Like a soldier who was preparing to go to war the next day, she was anxious yet inexplicably excited.
2,340 points. A score she can be proud of. Walking out from the examination hall, He Luo wanted to raise her head and show her happiness to all those who doubted her. It was a tiny shred of vanity on her part, she thought. Just let her display all that today. Who else will dare look down on her?
The day Zhang Yuan would come to Beijing drew closer. He Luo told her parents she would stay in campus awhile longer, with the excuse she was preparing to study overseas. Since she had nothing better to do anyway, she ended up reading some classmate’s flyer until she could memorise it.
Zhang Yuan’s meeting was late at night. He carpooled with someone he knew and met He Luo directly at her dorm. It was the first time she had seen him in a suit. Wide shoulders, an ever-straight back, a pure black suit. He Luo realised, he was no longer that young boy in T-shirt and jeans in her memory.
“What’s wrong? You don’t recognise me anymore?” Zhang Yuan took off his tie and unbuttoned the cufflinks on his shirt.
“I just realised you’ve changed a lot. I’ve forgotten what you look like.”
“I’m still like an utility pole.” Zhang Yuan laughed, so brilliantly he resembled the warm but gentle summer in their hometown.
“You still have some way to go in terms of height.” He Luo stepped on the sidewalk curb. Raising her feet like a child, coupled with her wedges, she looked at him. “Look, I’m almost as tall as you.”
Zhang Yuan stared straight at the passing vehicles on the road. Laughing, he said, “Why don’t you stand on the rooftop? You’ll definitely be so much taller than I am.”
He still had things to do and asked He Luo to go to the Internet cafe with him.
On their way there, she came across Li Yun Wei and Xu He Yang. The couple was holding hands, leisurely taking a walk. When they saw them, Li Yun Wei ran over and hit Zhang Yuan with her fist. “Deskmate, here’s a punch you deserve!” She then pointed at them, smiling purposefully. “You two, you two…”
He Luo didn’t say a word.
Zhang Yuan smiled and said, “We’re each other’s encouragement and learning partners.”
“I heard you did pretty well on your GRE,” Xu He Yang said. “Have you written your application and recommendation letters?”
He Luo shook her head. “I haven’t decided if I want to go overseas.”
In the Internet cafe, Zhang Yuan asked, “Is he going overseas?”
“Looks like it.”
“What about Li Yun Wei?”
“She didn’t say anything about that,” He Luo said. “Why didn’t you ask earlier?”
“If one is going but the other isn’t, how awkward would that be?” Zhang Yuan loosened the muscles in his shoulders.
“Maybe in the future Yun Wei will follow him, or maybe he’ll return in two years.”
“In two years, many things will change.” Zhang Yuan’s tone was neutral. “If any of them keep each other in the dark, won’t it be an international joke?”
He Luo was quiet. She found a computer behind him, sat, and turned around to see his back. After the finals, all her worries and stress melted away, leaving only an empty slate. Her heart was inevitably let down.
Time passed just like that, the air was warm and humid. When they left the Internet cafe, it was drizzling. Zhang Yuan’s steps were leisurely, but what was pitiful was He Luo’s newly washed hair. “Hurry up and walk faster,” she complained.
“My mom bought me this new pair of leather shoes, they’re really uncomfortable.” Zhang Yuan gritted his teeth and took off his coat. “Here, your high-grade umbrella. I worked up a sweat earlier anyway, I have to wash it sooner or later.”
His white breath blew over her temples, like a small piece of refreshing, clear sky. If only you stop and turn around, there would be a familiar and warm embrace waiting. Our distance is always this close, yet as far apart as a ten thousand light years.
Sometimes he would come close, sometimes he would put distance between them. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Her heart would constantly expand and constrict at the difference. For a heart to be treated this way, it will inevitably crack. When the enemy approached, she retreated. When an enemy retreated, she went closer. He Luo laughed bitterly in her heart. Both of them were dancing waltz in her head with good teamwork and tacit understanding. They complied with all the dancing rules: if they both stepped forward at the same time, someone’s foot would be stepped on. She really wanted to sit down and have a good talk with Zhang Yuan.
“Why don’t I treat you to something?” He Luo said. “The green bean sweet soup at my campus canteen is pretty nice. I’ll eat iced, you can take it warm.” They couldn’t resist ordering a plate of Viviparidae snails. Zhang Yuan said, “I can’t eat a lot. My stomach isn’t that good. If I eat too much of this, I might get an upset stomach.” Even though he said that, they still ordered another plate. His shirt was clean, his sleeves raised, as he happily used a toothpick to eat the snails.
The two of them exchanged a look. Their hands and mouths were smeared with oil, like two messy, greedy cats. They both smiled.
“I’m really envious of you. Days like this are really comfortable.” Zhang Yuan wiped his hands clean. “I’m dead tired these few days. Each day I only get about three hours of sleep. As soon as I come back to you, I’ve become entirely relaxed and don’t want to move anymore.”
Come back to you. Not coming to your place. There was only a small difference.
“Then… rest a few days here before going back.”
“I’m afraid I don’t have such luck.” Zhang Yuan frowned. “The discussion for this project is going pretty well but even more problems are cropping up. There’s not much structure to our small company. We’re a mess. To finish big projects, we have to work with other contractors. Simply put, we’re forced to compromise. Resources are limited, but if we use contractors that are recommended by people we know, there’s no problem trying to survive in this industry. But it’s very hard to widen our markets.”
In one breath, he listed all the obstacles in his startup. All of those He Luo had never encountered and couldn’t think of any solutions. She could nodded and said, “The first step is difficult for everyone. Whoever perseveres until the end will be the one to win.”
“Perseverance is one thing, but what’s more important is finding a platform for survival.”
“You… you want to go for big companies?”
“That will be so much comfortable,” he said. “But it’s true that I’ll be able to learn a lot advanced business know-how. I have to consider it carefully.” The brows he had just relaxed knotted again, his hand was on his stomach as per habit.
He Luo looked at Zhang Yuan thoughtfully. In this moment, how could she bring up things like romance and feelings and trouble him?
Zhang Yuan noticed her concerned expression and said, voice suddenly much gentler, “I’m fine. I just overate today.”
“Liar. If you’re not feeling comfortable, just eat your meds.” He Luo glanced at him. “I’ve also eaten the same food, but I’m still fine.”
His eyes narrowed into half-moons, his lips hiding a smile. “You eat so much a day. Your stomach is a high-powered four wheel drive, you don’t have to worry about a thing.”
Zhang Yuan didn’t leave for the moment. He stayed in Beijing and busied himself meeting from one scholar to another, from businessman to another. This happened day and night. This city was as wide as the ocean; He Luo’s beloved emerged from the still water, yet she could not even find his shadow or hear his voice.
His world was rapidly changing. She wasn’t sure where it all begun, but it was as if she no longer had a place to call home. He Luo wanted to find her place in a corner of Zhang Yuan’s heart, yet she can only chase after his disappearing back. She couldn’t tell if she was depressed or relieved. After all, the prideful Zhang Yuan had returned, with his confident gaze and shining brilliance.
That was the Zhang Yuan that He Luo loved most, like the boy who played basketball so many years ago, calm and persistent, with the full confidence of winning. Back then he was still a boy showered in sunshine, with clear and bright eyes, cunning like a fox, soaring in the air like an eagle. His youth radiated the sun itself, as if there was nothing that could stop him in his path.
Such a self-confident, proud Zhang Yuan had returned.
But her, where was she going?
In the beginning of everyone’s fourth year in university, they have to decide their own fates, whether they want to go into research or go abroad. Between the two, they can only choose one. He Luo’s mind was cluttered and stressed. When she thought about how she spent two sleepless months preparing to battle GRE, the scale in her heart started to sway. Yet when she thought about how doing her PhD would mean at least four years of separation, the scale swayed again. Repeatedly, she remembered her dad’s words: “A person is most afraid of losing to himself. You should decide your own path in life. If you allow someone else to dictate your highs and lows, you’ll be too easily hurt and disappointed.”
At the end of summer, the frost began to cover the roads. Soon, the snow would start to pile. Her enthusiasm and expectations were buried deep. Her personal beliefs could not win against the hand of fate. What ought to come will come, what ought to leave will also naturally turn into clouds.
When the leaves gradually fall, and the promise did not arrive, she was still unable to avoid the arrival of autumn.
He Luo’s heart had been warmed by the sunshine in the summer, it was not that easy for it to change due to the seasons. It was like the air still carried the scent of summer. The pleasant autumn would sometimes give her the illusion of that there was not much difference between the cool summer and early autumn.
Perhaps she still had the time to wait, the time to wait for Zhang Yuan’s one passionate sentence: “He Luo, stay.”
But how much longer will you let me wait and wander?
