When the introductory pamphlets for American universities started pouring in, He Luo was still on the fence even as the people around her started writing their applications. She was indifferent even in the university meeting explaining the procedure to apply for a postgraduate placement.
She had no worries about the uncertain future, neither was she working hard to make sure the future was within her grasp. She was happily and lazily standing in front of the oncoming postgraduate wave. When the meeting was over, there were students who stayed to further consult the lecturer. Shen Lie sat in his seat far away from He Luo, watching her.
He Luo didn’t notice him. Standing at the crossroads of the future, she was upset and wanted to hear Zhang Yuan’s voice. Lowering her head, she sent a text to him: “Are you at home or at the campus? I want to call you right now, right now.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“I’m in a meeting. Maybe at night.”
At night? It was already 8.30 pm. He Luo bitterly put away her phone and told the girl beside her, “I’m going back first.”
Halfway on her way back, her phone rang.
“What’s up? Did something urgent happen?” Zhang Yuan’s tone was hasty. “I ran out in the middle of the meeting to call you. Briefly tell me what you want to say.”
He Luo made an “oh” noise. “It’s nothing.” Can’t I call you if there’s nothing urgent? Half of her heart felt empty, the other half was filled with the regret of giving up.
“I thought something big happened since you said ‘right here, right now’.” Zhang Yuan let out a sigh of relief. “Let’s talk later. I have to hurry up and return.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
In the days after, He Luo often only returned to her dorm after the library closed. She had bought a comfortable pillow for her to lean onto. Opening her laptop, she prepared her documentations, PS, resume, recommendation letter, introduction to her major… The days she spent applying for study abroad were hectic and mechanical and she felt entirely numb all over. It was only when she was preparing her documentations that she realised she had vaguely forgotten most of the terminologies in her majors and was having trouble writing a proper report. Thus she scrambled to cram in those terminologies at the last minute and spent all her time in the library for a week. She hardly ate or drank and made do with some bread and water.
What little happiness she had in this period of extreme hecticness was when she drank coffee at night and watched a couple episodes of Detective Conan or the Cantonese version of A Step into the Past. Jessica Hsuen’s face was rigid as she scolded (Louis Koo’s character) Hong Siu Long, “You scoundrel!” Louis Koo’s side profile as he smiled as a little similar to Zhang Yuan’s. Perhaps if Zhang Yuan was a little tanner, a little older, he would be even more alike, He Luo thought wanly. She suddenly remembered the proposal that caused Zhang Yuan to be so busy, researched for some relevant English-language information online, and translated them. By the time she was done, her eyelids were already closing.
Ye Zhi and Zhou Xing Yan had already finished applying to their faculty’s postgraduate programs and got together to watch Meteor Garden together. One was a fan of Jerry Yan, the other Vic Chou. Every day there was a new argument but the issue was always over the same issue: who was more handsome.
“Jerry Yan has triangular eyes!” Zhou Xing Yan cried.
“Vic Chou is a sissy!” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“He’s not sissy, he’s elegant! He’s unlike some mean Tyrannosaurus.”
“Who’s mean? That’s because the plot needs him to be!”
They both wanted to make He Luo uphold justice for them but when they turned around, they saw she was already fast asleep, her body bent against the pillow.
It was only through the mouths of numerous different people, that Zhang Yuan found out that He Luo was currently preparing to apply to study abroad. When he heard, his eyebrows was knitted together and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“My deskmate never told you?” Zhao Cheng Jie asked, surprised.
“Yes. Her English is good so it won’t be too much trouble for her to prepare for the application,” Zhang Yuan said lightly. “He Luo always wanted to travel around. If not for studying abroad, she won’t have many opportunities to go to America.”
“Yes. That’s why you couldn’t go. Aren’t you going to think of a solution?”
“What solution? There are many ways to go to America.” Zhang Yuan laughed, briefly. “There are so many of female classmates that are going abroad. Just get someone to F2 you.” [F2 refers to the visa the spouses of international students can apply for]
“Tsk.” Zhao Cheng Jie pursed his lips. “I’m the closest to my deskmate. If I get her to F2 me, what will happen? Hng, won’t you just slaughter me?”
“Why did you suddenly decide to study abroad?” Zhang Yuan asked He Luo over the phone. It was such an important matter yet he had never heard anything from her.
The line was so quiet that there was not even the sound of breathing. Only after a moment that he heard He Luo’s breathy, a little erratic voice. “I’ve thought about it for a long time. How is it sudden?”
“Oh… how’s your progress? I heard you have a recommendation letter from someone impressive and that your application is basically secured.”
“Nothing is for certain.” He Luo sighed. “Besides, it’s no big deal. It’s just good luck.”
“Today’s luck is in large part the result of yesterday’s hard work. It’s also the limit of your personal ability. Don’t be too modest.” Zhang Yuan chuckled and tried to make it sound like he was teasing. Yet when the words left his mouth, his tone became solemn.
He Luo laughed briefly. Her tone became regretful. “Is it your turn to comfort me? Honestly, it’s fine even if I’m not accepted.”
“Ah?” Zhang Yuan was stunned. “En, you can still continue your studies here.”
“Yes. But I’ll have to take the test here. I’ll definitely fail since I didn’t make any preparations. If I’m not accepted overseas, my plan is to find an easy-going job and do several internships. For instance, what Man Xin is doing. She’ll be going to World Bank in Washington in awhile. She’ll be paid 2,000 USD a month. That’s even happier than having an actual job.”
“If you’ve already graduated, you can’t go for internships,” Zhang Yuan reminded.
“Oh right.” He Luo was thoughtful for a moment. “Then I’ll start a small shop. That day we were just talking about how it’d be nice to open a shop nearby our campus, selling souvenirs and snacks from all over the world. Isn’t that quite good?” She was afraid he’d have no response to her words so she forced an explanation of how she would buy the products, how to promote them, and how to develop new business ideas. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Truly a girl’s whimsical daydream.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “If you’re planning to do something related to food, the procedure for setting-up shop will be exceptionally troublesome. You have to deal with many departments, like commercial and health. You even need a certification and proper storage and processing space. Can you handle all of these?”
“I was only talking about it.” He Luo was unhappy. “If I really want to do it, I’ll definitely consider it carefully.”
“Do you only consider the feasibility of your ideas once you’ve decided on them? Your way of thinking is too dangerous.” Zhang Yuan became serious. “You ought to consider the details only after you think that an idea is feasible.”
“Bro, we’re only talking about it. Do you need to be so serious?” He Luo got annoyed.
“I’m considering the fact that you’re already planning the details. If I don’t stop you, who knows if one day you get overexcited and decide to cut the opening ribbon?”
He Luo was unable to say anything in her terrible mood. Why was the world completely turned upside down? She had always thought that Zhang Yuan was the child who liked to dream, sketching a fanciful and unrealistic future. As smart as he was, it was inevitable that he would be arrogant and prideful. To protect his ego, she had to carefully watch her every word like stepping on thin ice. She wanted him to keep his foot firmly planted on the ground even as he was dreaming of a bigger future.
And yet he was so harsh and unrelenting now, simultaneously smashing the dreams of several girls in one go without restrain or care?
I once criticised your dream but now, whatever you want to, I support you unconditionally. He Luo’s voice became cold. “Forget it. Let’s not talk about this. It’s just something we all talked about when we’re doing our applications. No one took it seriously.”
“He Luo…” Zhang Yuan’s voice was thick. There has never been anyone who has said her name as beautifully as he did. “Have you ever seriously thought about what you want to do in the future?”
Tian Xin laughed loudly. “Of course, it’s to be a good wife and a wise mother! My life goal has long become that. To marry you, give birth to a bunch of children. If you think that’s too many, we have to at least give birth to a football team.” She continued, “You should’ve said this to him!”
Helplessly, He Luo said, “Your smelly mouth only knows how to sprout nonsense.”
“You still dare to deny.” Tian Xin looked at her from top to bottom. “Just look at you. You look so dazed and confused. Then what did you tell him?” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“I said no, that I’ll think about it when I get there. If I can apply for study abroad, I’ll do that. If I’m not accepted, there’s another place called Garrison Institute(?).” He Luo still grinned as she said this.
“What time is it now, you two are still running in circles!”
He Luo smiled sadly. There was something in her that seemed to snap into focus. “Isn’t my attitude obvious enough? I’ve already told him it’s fine even if I’m not accepted. I don’t mind trying to fend for myself here, no matter what happens. Do you really want me to tell him point blank that no matter if he became successful or not, I will be with him through thick and thin. Tell him if he jumped, I would follow him? But what about him? He totally doesn’t show me any support and would even turn around to accuse me as being thoughtless. I really don’t understand what I mean to him.”
“Of course you’re his most important person,” Tian Xin anxiously said. “Do you suspect him of having a change of heart? It’s impossible! I don’t believe it!”
“I don’t mean it that way,” He Luo said. “I don’t know what kind of place love has in his heart. I want him to have a proper stance on this and let me know that he’s doing all this to secure a future for the both of us. We are no longer lovers and he has said nothing about it. It’s tiring for me to be the only one trying.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Then I’ll go talk to him now!” Tian Xin got up to grab her phone.
He Luo bitterly shook her head as she stopped her. “If he has me in his heart, he’ll naturally tell me all this himself. If he doesn’t have me, even if I beg him to say it, what use will it be? The next time a problem comes up between us, he’ll still turn around and leave. At that moment I’ll definitely go crazy.”
“I can’t take it anymore!” Tian Xin cried. “Never again tell me anything about you two! I’m already so fed up yet there’s still no solution between you two!”
“I won’t say anything more,” He Luo said. “I’ll immediately mail all these documents to the university. It’s up to the heavens now, I can only hope for a good result.”
At the end of the November, Zhang Yuan came to his company’s headquarters to present his proposal. The first snow in Beijing coincided with his trip and it was unusually heavy, resulting in a serious traffic jam as drivers carefully navigated the slippery roads. From the station to He Luo’s campus, it actually took four hours.
Standing under the streetlight in front of the dorm building, large snowflakes scattered in the night sky. From the window in her room, He Luo saw how the night had painted a lonely, snow-covered world where Zhang Yuan alone sat in the centre. The girls were having hotpot, covering the entire room in a light layer of mist and making his figure seem dim. In that moment, he was looking up, whistling.
He Luo took the folder from her desk and ran out.
“We’ll take advantage of her absence and eat our fill.” The three girls looked each other, shrugged, and continued to battle with the mutton and vegetables in the pot. They ate until their bellies were full. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
Zhang Yuan leisurely smiled when he saw her. He was wearing a dark blue Northface parka and a loosely worn gray scarf. It was as if the past six or seven years were condensed in this moment, weighing heavily in He Luo’s heart.
“This is the material I collected for you earlier. Some information on the overseas startups.” She handed them over. “Cai Man Xin helped me a fair bit. I’ve included her suggestions at the back of the document. Maybe they’ll be useful for when you’re doing your presentation.”
“So many!” Zhang Yuan frowned when he read it.
He Luo laughed. “I didn’t even complain, yet you dare?”
“I’m saying it for your sake.” Zhang Yuan placed the folder carefully. “Typing is very tiring. Whenever I do it, my back would ache so I can particularly relate to this. Here, look.” He reached for his side but he was wearing too many layers and couldn’t bend his arm. His actions were a little clumsy, making He Luo’s heart soft all over again. He grinned. “Right! Do you want me to massage you?”
“It’s fine. I have a pillow.” He Luo gestured. “So it’s not that tiring for me.”
“It’s all thanks to you that I realise there’s still so much information I’m lacking,” he said. “This is an advantage for me. I can think infinitely without limitations but at the same time my solutions appear naive and shallow. In the future when we expand the company, whether we’ll be acquired or stand proudly as business partners, in large aspect it’ll depend on whether we can attract the decision makers.”
His serious tone made He Luo felt like a stranger. In front of him, he watched his confident gaze, she couldn’t find an appropriate topic to talk to him about.
“If you can understand that your path is difficult and complicated, that’s already good enough.” He Luo breathed deeply, exhaling a puff of white smoke. “It’s just like hiking. We keep our eye on the top of the mountain to maintain our sense of direction, but we also have to watch out for the uneven roads.”
“Just look at the way you talk, how naggy.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “You’ve already told me all this in your email. I’ve already jotted down in my notebook and read them over and over every day. Quotations of He, isn’t it.”
He Luo also smiled. She herself had a book of Quotations of Zhang.
She walked Zhang Yuan to the university gates. There were no signs of taxis anywhere, only the occasional bus crammed with people. Snowflakes refracted under the yellow light, there was a familiar scent of coldness in the air, as familiar as the scent of their hometown. The two of them walked and ran, stopping to throw a snowball at each other. They glided in the snow, competing whose distance was bigger. Their mood was innocently joyful as they played under the brilliant lamplight.
“Will you come again a few days later?” He Luo asked.
“Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”
“Okay.” He Luo nodded. If Zhang Yuan’s meeting goes well, his small company will merge with the existing IT department of Zheng Tian Da’s company and several other Shenzhen working groups. Perhaps everything will change then.
Zhang Yuan has once said his idea was to set up a research and development centre in Beijing and face the fledgling startups and established state-owned companies, to avoid the fierce competition in the north. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
In any case, his first choice was this city she had stayed in for nearly four years. It inevitably gave He Luo this and that kind of thoughts. The future was the uncertain deep sea, it was as if a beam of light had appeared, rippling to the surface.
Close to the end of the year, Zhang Yuan went to see He Luo again. This time, his expression looked bad. He strode on with big steps, forcing He Luo to run slightly to catch up. She was afraid to ask about the proposal. In her heart, she had an odd feeling that she knew what Zhang Yuan was going to talk about.
“I want to give up. The decision makers don’t really like this plan.” Zhang Yuan looked dignified yet his tone carried a hint of anger.
“Hey, don’t.” He Luo panicked. “You’ve already worked hard for so long. Could you bear giving it up? If it’s something I’ve worked this hard for, I wouldn’t even mention about giving up.”
“A good man ought to have ambition. If I want to build my career, I don’t necessarily have to depend on this company. This place doesn’t need me and I can naturally try my luck at other places.”
“But didn’t you say that it’s rare to find a company with the same vision as you have, as well as the money and resources, that can give you the freedom to do what you want?” He Luo repeated the words he had once told her. “A good man ought to have ambition, but what if you can’t build a career? Are you going to drift forever?”
“Then I’ll keep trying forever! Next time I’ll ask a more difficult question.” Zhang Yuan smiled. He thought for a long moment before staring into He Luo’s eyes. “Don’t worry. I’m only complaining. But there’s something I want to say, no matter what decision I make, it’s solely for me to build a career. There are absolutely no other reasons.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
The campus square was the set-up for the open-air stage, the gingko trees framed the main road. Every few meters, there would be a hanging red lantern. Zhang Yuan suddenly turned around and asked, “Where’s your camera? It’s so lively here. Let’s take some photos.”
He Luo was momentarily stunned and made an “oh” noise. Their conversation today was too heavy. She was unable to summarise the key points. Time and time again she combed over it in her mind but she still couldn’t grasp his meaning.
The time stopped in their frames.
Zhang Yuan placed his hand into a tree hole, faking a pained face as he placed his hand into a tree hole. His other hand was holding a tanghulu. He lifted his head and said, “Tanghulu commercial, old Taoist edition.”
He then wrapped his fist with his scarf and placed He Luo’s hand warmers on his head. Laughing, he said, “Like this, it’s He Luo’s rabbit edition(?).”
He Luo giggled. She wore a small Han-style coat with embroidered lotus print, with a woolen collar. Zhang Yuan laughed. “You look like you’re wearing a big glove.”
“How do I look like a glove?” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“This way of dressing reminds me of a glove. Didn’t you have a pair of gloves that looks something like this?”
He Luo nodded. “That’s so many years ago. My uncle didn’t like the words on it. I don’t know where it has gone to.”
Zhang Yuan put his overcoat on his arm, revealing his suit inside. He greeted He Luo, “Here, come and compare our shadows. The contrast is so stark. One is a false foreign devil, the other is a country bumpkin.” He raised his hand and made rabbit ears behind her head. He Luo stood in front of him and heard the sound of rustling behind her. She coughed once and elbowed him. “Hey, don’t make rabbit ears for me.”
“Big sis!” Zhang Yuan inhaled a puff of cold air. “You put in so much force! Don’t you know I have gastritis?”
“Serves you right!” He Luo said.
“So wicked.” He loosened his shoulders. “If you don’t want me to do it, then I’ll just not.” He put down his hands and, in a flash, he was in front of her.
He Luo was startled. It was a light touch but it was enough to electrify the air.
“Thank you!” Zhang Yuan left to borrow a camera from someone. He waved the camera in front of her. “Coincidentally it’s the last one! I’ll give it to you after I get it processed.” He acted as if nothing had happened earlier. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
The president’s secretary Xiao Fang came to look for Zhang Yuan. “Where have you been? Qing Yin has been waiting for you for a long time.”
“Oh. Didn’t I already say that I’ll be meeting an old friend today?”
“Ah, it’s me who has come early!” Zheng Qing Yin poked her head out from the VIP dining room, her eyes turning into half-circles when she smiled. “I don’t have many friends in Beijing anyway, so I’ve came here in the afternoon.”
“Qing Yin has not come home for a long time. As a senior, no matter what you should take her around for a visit.” Xiao Fang’s laugh carried a hint of a deeper meaning. “You don’t have much to do lately anyway, you’re only waiting for the results of the committee.”
Zhang Yuan also laughed. “I’m worried she’ll be lost under my care. I’m not used to Beijing. Even though I’ve come here many times, I basically only go from the station to my girlfriend’s university. It’s an A-to-B point.” He waved at Zheng Qing Yin. “If you want, we can go to He Luo’s place. She can take you around.”
Zheng Qing Yin’s smile faltered. She forced herself to smile anyway. “The last time I saw you two… she didn’t say much. Have you coaxed her?”
“Who won’t have little arguments with one another?” Zhang Yuan said. “He Luo is the easiest to coax. You can just buy her some good food. Right, there’s a lot going on in her university right now. Do you want to go and check out the local university experience?” As he said this, he handed her a stack of photos. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
Zheng Qing Yin hesitated for a moment before accepting the photos. Her expression became more and more sour as she looked carefully at the photos.
Xiao Fang looked up. In the photo, an elegant girl was holding roasted sweet potatoes as she looked at the camera with a surprised expression. Her mouth was stained with sweet potato. Her brows were lightly knitted together, her eyes were smiling.
“The photos look nice, don’t they?” Zhang Yuan smiled. “This is called a candid photo. Just take the photo first and worry about the consequences later.”
“The photos do look nice.” Zheng Qing Yin tugged at the corners of her lips. With a light laugh, she said, “Forget it. I’ll just ask the driver to send me somewhere I can shop. Truthfully, coming back this time, I didn’t expect to see you. It’s nice just to be able to meet you and say hello.”
She lowered her head and hurriedly walked to the elevator. Xiao Fang followed. Before she walked any further, she smiled at Zhang Yuan and said quietly, “If you don’t have to process [print it], the quality of the photos would be better.”
Zhang Yuan smiled. The president’s secretary was more sensitive than the president’s niece. In one glance, she was able to notice the date on the photo. Perhaps he was being reckless, he thought as he rubbed his temples. But if Zheng Qin Yin became competitive over him, he would hate himself. What would his colleagues think? What would He Luo think?
If this meant he would offend Zheng Tian Da, then so be it. Zhang Yuan laughed bitterly, remembering one phrase: “This place doesn’t need [me] to stay, I can only go to a place that needs me.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
When He Luo received the photos from the courier, she lightly smiled as she checked them over and over. More often, she sighed. It was as if what happened the other day was just a figment of her imagination and had never happened at all. She traced the path in the campus where she and Zhang Yuan walked. The moonlight was cool, the trees were dark, casting a lonely shadow of exhaustion. She called Zhang Yuan. “Where are you? Can you come over tomorrow? I have something to tell you.”
Zhang Yuan said, “I can’t be sure. There’s something tricky in my hands now. Can you wait? I’ll be finished very soon.”
He Luo hung up the phone, sighing deeply. Do you know tomorrow is New Year’s Eve? I want to listen to the ringing of the bells welcoming the new year with you, listen to everyone’s cheers. What are you so busy about that you can’t even get away at such a time?
The general manager of the committee, Chairman Liu smiled faintly as he watched Zhang Yuan. “Your little girlfriend is looking for you?”
“Yes.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Your proposed idea is very new but it’s definitely not the most feasible.” Chairman Liu knocked on the table. “Those in favour of and against are split evenly. Basically, it’s half-half. Even though we make a great effort in fostering new software subsidiaries, this is still a great risk for us. This company is basically under Boss Zheng’s complete control. The final decision is up to him.”
“I’ve already prepared for the worst outcome, which is to pack up and leave.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try. In this period of time, I’ve learned many new things.”
“Don’t give up just yet.” Chairman Liu smiled. “You’re still young. You have momentum to rush forward, it’s also easy for you to be impulsive.”
It had came down to the last four hours of the year. Zhang Yuan sent He Luo a text: “I’m going to find you.” Just as he was about to get a taxi, Xiao Fang called. “The big boss wants to meet you.”
Zhang Yuan’s voice was hasty. “He Luo, it seems like I can’t go today.”
“Do your best. Please?” she asked. Her heart still carried hope. This kind of ambiguous swaying had caused her numerous bruises and injuries from being knocked down by the constant hope and disappointment. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
He Luo had turned down all invitations to dinner and sat quietly in her room, waiting. His phone was turned off when she called, there was no reply when she texted. As she waited, Cai Man Xin used He Luo as a model for her makeup practice as she was going for her internship soon. Looking at herself in the mirror, the reflection was mature and unfamiliar. She shook her head repeatedly and hurriedly washed away the makeup. Zhang Yuan still didn’t show up.
Close to 8 pm, her call was finally able to connect. She said, “Come over. Let’s talk.”
“I’m too tired today. Wait for awhile longer.” Zhang Yuan had just left Zheng Tian Da’s home. The stressful few hours had just passed, leaving his body sapped of energy. He didn’t even turn around.
“Okay, I’ll wait,” He Luo coolly said. “That’s what you always say. If I wait awhile longer, it’d already be the new year. If I wait awhile longer, I’ll already be overseas. You won’t be able to see me and I won’t force you to hear me nag.”
Zhang Yuan laughed. “Don’t lose your temper at me. I’m really tired. Next time.”
How many more next time do we have left? He Luo was overwhelmed with melancholy. “Again and again, just postponing. Postpone it until we both don’t want to talk anymore. At that moment, we really won’t have anymore to talk about.”
Zhang Yuan had never came across such an arrogant He Luo, who wasn’t understanding of his hardships. If they met now, they would definitely argue. If he told her everything, would he garner her sympathy and support, or will she be angry for being lied to and being manipulated? Zhang Yuan couldn’t tell. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Stop making trouble, He Luo. I really can’t this time.” Tiredly, he said, “Did you think I came to Beijing for you?”
“Yes… I know. There are many things in your mind.” He Luo’s lips quivered. Her tears wouldn’t even flow. “It’s me who made trouble for you.”
When you are tired, when are you facing obstacles, I’m revealing what I really feel to you. You have never included me in your future plans. You chose to come to Beijing for yourself, not for me.
She remembered Zhang Yuan’s words: “No matter what decision I make, it’s solely for me to build a career. There’s absolutely no other reasons.”
So it turns out that I’m the one who troubled you. How could I trouble you? So, again and again, I trouble myself. All these ambiguous feelings and testing, it is all just to occupy your life? It’s me who’s too deeply immersed in this play. You’re not the main character, not even part of the audience. You’ve come, you’ve left. It’s me who imagined this mirage of a reunion.
Holding the phone, He Luo can only feel a deep, piercing despair.
When the introductory pamphlets for American universities started pouring in, He Luo was still on the fence even as the people around her started writing their applications. She was indifferent even in the university meeting explaining the procedure to apply for a postgraduate placement.
She had no worries about the uncertain future, neither was she working hard to make sure the future was within her grasp. She was happily and lazily standing in front of the oncoming postgraduate wave. When the meeting was over, there were students who stayed to further consult the lecturer. Shen Lie sat in his seat far away from He Luo, watching her.
He Luo didn’t notice him. Standing at the crossroads of the future, she was upset and wanted to hear Zhang Yuan’s voice. Lowering her head, she sent a text to him: “Are you at home or at the campus? I want to call you right now, right now.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“I’m in a meeting. Maybe at night.”
At night? It was already 8.30 pm. He Luo bitterly put away her phone and told the girl beside her, “I’m going back first.”
Halfway on her way back, her phone rang.
“What’s up? Did something urgent happen?” Zhang Yuan’s tone was hasty. “I ran out in the middle of the meeting to call you. Briefly tell me what you want to say.”
He Luo made an “oh” noise. “It’s nothing.” Can’t I call you if there’s nothing urgent? Half of her heart felt empty, the other half was filled with the regret of giving up.
“I thought something big happened since you said ‘right here, right now’.” Zhang Yuan let out a sigh of relief. “Let’s talk later. I have to hurry up and return.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
In the days after, He Luo often only returned to her dorm after the library closed. She had bought a comfortable pillow for her to lean onto. Opening her laptop, she prepared her documentations, PS, resume, recommendation letter, introduction to her major… The days she spent applying for study abroad were hectic and mechanical and she felt entirely numb all over. It was only when she was preparing her documentations that she realised she had vaguely forgotten most of the terminologies in her majors and was having trouble writing a proper report. Thus she scrambled to cram in those terminologies at the last minute and spent all her time in the library for a week. She hardly ate or drank and made do with some bread and water.
What little happiness she had in this period of extreme hecticness was when she drank coffee at night and watched a couple episodes of Detective Conan or the Cantonese version of A Step into the Past. Jessica Hsuen’s face was rigid as she scolded (Louis Koo’s character) Hong Siu Long, “You scoundrel!” Louis Koo’s side profile as he smiled as a little similar to Zhang Yuan’s. Perhaps if Zhang Yuan was a little tanner, a little older, he would be even more alike, He Luo thought wanly. She suddenly remembered the proposal that caused Zhang Yuan to be so busy, researched for some relevant English-language information online, and translated them. By the time she was done, her eyelids were already closing.
Ye Zhi and Zhou Xing Yan had already finished applying to their faculty’s postgraduate programs and got together to watch Meteor Garden together. One was a fan of Jerry Yan, the other Vic Chou. Every day there was a new argument but the issue was always over the same issue: who was more handsome.
“Jerry Yan has triangular eyes!” Zhou Xing Yan cried.
“Vic Chou is a sissy!” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“He’s not sissy, he’s elegant! He’s unlike some mean Tyrannosaurus.”
“Who’s mean? That’s because the plot needs him to be!”
They both wanted to make He Luo uphold justice for them but when they turned around, they saw she was already fast asleep, her body bent against the pillow.
It was only through the mouths of numerous different people, that Zhang Yuan found out that He Luo was currently preparing to apply to study abroad. When he heard, his eyebrows was knitted together and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“My deskmate never told you?” Zhao Cheng Jie asked, surprised.
“Yes. Her English is good so it won’t be too much trouble for her to prepare for the application,” Zhang Yuan said lightly. “He Luo always wanted to travel around. If not for studying abroad, she won’t have many opportunities to go to America.”
“Yes. That’s why you couldn’t go. Aren’t you going to think of a solution?”
“What solution? There are many ways to go to America.” Zhang Yuan laughed, briefly. “There are so many of female classmates that are going abroad. Just get someone to F2 you.” [F2 refers to the visa the spouses of international students can apply for]
“Tsk.” Zhao Cheng Jie pursed his lips. “I’m the closest to my deskmate. If I get her to F2 me, what will happen? Hng, won’t you just slaughter me?”
“Why did you suddenly decide to study abroad?” Zhang Yuan asked He Luo over the phone. It was such an important matter yet he had never heard anything from her.
The line was so quiet that there was not even the sound of breathing. Only after a moment that he heard He Luo’s breathy, a little erratic voice. “I’ve thought about it for a long time. How is it sudden?”
“Oh… how’s your progress? I heard you have a recommendation letter from someone impressive and that your application is basically secured.”
“Nothing is for certain.” He Luo sighed. “Besides, it’s no big deal. It’s just good luck.”
“Today’s luck is in large part the result of yesterday’s hard work. It’s also the limit of your personal ability. Don’t be too modest.” Zhang Yuan chuckled and tried to make it sound like he was teasing. Yet when the words left his mouth, his tone became solemn.
He Luo laughed briefly. Her tone became regretful. “Is it your turn to comfort me? Honestly, it’s fine even if I’m not accepted.”
“Ah?” Zhang Yuan was stunned. “En, you can still continue your studies here.”
“Yes. But I’ll have to take the test here. I’ll definitely fail since I didn’t make any preparations. If I’m not accepted overseas, my plan is to find an easy-going job and do several internships. For instance, what Man Xin is doing. She’ll be going to World Bank in Washington in awhile. She’ll be paid 2,000 USD a month. That’s even happier than having an actual job.”
“If you’ve already graduated, you can’t go for internships,” Zhang Yuan reminded.
“Oh right.” He Luo was thoughtful for a moment. “Then I’ll start a small shop. That day we were just talking about how it’d be nice to open a shop nearby our campus, selling souvenirs and snacks from all over the world. Isn’t that quite good?” She was afraid he’d have no response to her words so she forced an explanation of how she would buy the products, how to promote them, and how to develop new business ideas. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Truly a girl’s whimsical daydream.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “If you’re planning to do something related to food, the procedure for setting-up shop will be exceptionally troublesome. You have to deal with many departments, like commercial and health. You even need a certification and proper storage and processing space. Can you handle all of these?”
“I was only talking about it.” He Luo was unhappy. “If I really want to do it, I’ll definitely consider it carefully.”
“Do you only consider the feasibility of your ideas once you’ve decided on them? Your way of thinking is too dangerous.” Zhang Yuan became serious. “You ought to consider the details only after you think that an idea is feasible.”
“Bro, we’re only talking about it. Do you need to be so serious?” He Luo got annoyed.
“I’m considering the fact that you’re already planning the details. If I don’t stop you, who knows if one day you get overexcited and decide to cut the opening ribbon?”
He Luo was unable to say anything in her terrible mood. Why was the world completely turned upside down? She had always thought that Zhang Yuan was the child who liked to dream, sketching a fanciful and unrealistic future. As smart as he was, it was inevitable that he would be arrogant and prideful. To protect his ego, she had to carefully watch her every word like stepping on thin ice. She wanted him to keep his foot firmly planted on the ground even as he was dreaming of a bigger future.
And yet he was so harsh and unrelenting now, simultaneously smashing the dreams of several girls in one go without restrain or care?
I once criticised your dream but now, whatever you want to, I support you unconditionally. He Luo’s voice became cold. “Forget it. Let’s not talk about this. It’s just something we all talked about when we’re doing our applications. No one took it seriously.”
“He Luo…” Zhang Yuan’s voice was thick. There has never been anyone who has said her name as beautifully as he did. “Have you ever seriously thought about what you want to do in the future?”
Tian Xin laughed loudly. “Of course, it’s to be a good wife and a wise mother! My life goal has long become that. To marry you, give birth to a bunch of children. If you think that’s too many, we have to at least give birth to a football team.” She continued, “You should’ve said this to him!”
Helplessly, He Luo said, “Your smelly mouth only knows how to sprout nonsense.”
“You still dare to deny.” Tian Xin looked at her from top to bottom. “Just look at you. You look so dazed and confused. Then what did you tell him?” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“I said no, that I’ll think about it when I get there. If I can apply for study abroad, I’ll do that. If I’m not accepted, there’s another place called Garrison Institute(?).” He Luo still grinned as she said this.
“What time is it now, you two are still running in circles!”
He Luo smiled sadly. There was something in her that seemed to snap into focus. “Isn’t my attitude obvious enough? I’ve already told him it’s fine even if I’m not accepted. I don’t mind trying to fend for myself here, no matter what happens. Do you really want me to tell him point blank that no matter if he became successful or not, I will be with him through thick and thin. Tell him if he jumped, I would follow him? But what about him? He totally doesn’t show me any support and would even turn around to accuse me as being thoughtless. I really don’t understand what I mean to him.”
“Of course you’re his most important person,” Tian Xin anxiously said. “Do you suspect him of having a change of heart? It’s impossible! I don’t believe it!”
“I don’t mean it that way,” He Luo said. “I don’t know what kind of place love has in his heart. I want him to have a proper stance on this and let me know that he’s doing all this to secure a future for the both of us. We are no longer lovers and he has said nothing about it. It’s tiring for me to be the only one trying.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Then I’ll go talk to him now!” Tian Xin got up to grab her phone.
He Luo bitterly shook her head as she stopped her. “If he has me in his heart, he’ll naturally tell me all this himself. If he doesn’t have me, even if I beg him to say it, what use will it be? The next time a problem comes up between us, he’ll still turn around and leave. At that moment I’ll definitely go crazy.”
“I can’t take it anymore!” Tian Xin cried. “Never again tell me anything about you two! I’m already so fed up yet there’s still no solution between you two!”
“I won’t say anything more,” He Luo said. “I’ll immediately mail all these documents to the university. It’s up to the heavens now, I can only hope for a good result.”
At the end of the November, Zhang Yuan came to his company’s headquarters to present his proposal. The first snow in Beijing coincided with his trip and it was unusually heavy, resulting in a serious traffic jam as drivers carefully navigated the slippery roads. From the station to He Luo’s campus, it actually took four hours.
Standing under the streetlight in front of the dorm building, large snowflakes scattered in the night sky. From the window in her room, He Luo saw how the night had painted a lonely, snow-covered world where Zhang Yuan alone sat in the centre. The girls were having hotpot, covering the entire room in a light layer of mist and making his figure seem dim. In that moment, he was looking up, whistling.
He Luo took the folder from her desk and ran out.
“We’ll take advantage of her absence and eat our fill.” The three girls looked each other, shrugged, and continued to battle with the mutton and vegetables in the pot. They ate until their bellies were full. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
Zhang Yuan leisurely smiled when he saw her. He was wearing a dark blue Northface parka and a loosely worn gray scarf. It was as if the past six or seven years were condensed in this moment, weighing heavily in He Luo’s heart.
“This is the material I collected for you earlier. Some information on the overseas startups.” She handed them over. “Cai Man Xin helped me a fair bit. I’ve included her suggestions at the back of the document. Maybe they’ll be useful for when you’re doing your presentation.”
“So many!” Zhang Yuan frowned when he read it.
He Luo laughed. “I didn’t even complain, yet you dare?”
“I’m saying it for your sake.” Zhang Yuan placed the folder carefully. “Typing is very tiring. Whenever I do it, my back would ache so I can particularly relate to this. Here, look.” He reached for his side but he was wearing too many layers and couldn’t bend his arm. His actions were a little clumsy, making He Luo’s heart soft all over again. He grinned. “Right! Do you want me to massage you?”
“It’s fine. I have a pillow.” He Luo gestured. “So it’s not that tiring for me.”
“It’s all thanks to you that I realise there’s still so much information I’m lacking,” he said. “This is an advantage for me. I can think infinitely without limitations but at the same time my solutions appear naive and shallow. In the future when we expand the company, whether we’ll be acquired or stand proudly as business partners, in large aspect it’ll depend on whether we can attract the decision makers.”
His serious tone made He Luo felt like a stranger. In front of him, he watched his confident gaze, she couldn’t find an appropriate topic to talk to him about.
“If you can understand that your path is difficult and complicated, that’s already good enough.” He Luo breathed deeply, exhaling a puff of white smoke. “It’s just like hiking. We keep our eye on the top of the mountain to maintain our sense of direction, but we also have to watch out for the uneven roads.”
“Just look at the way you talk, how naggy.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “You’ve already told me all this in your email. I’ve already jotted down in my notebook and read them over and over every day. Quotations of He, isn’t it.”
He Luo also smiled. She herself had a book of Quotations of Zhang.
She walked Zhang Yuan to the university gates. There were no signs of taxis anywhere, only the occasional bus crammed with people. Snowflakes refracted under the yellow light, there was a familiar scent of coldness in the air, as familiar as the scent of their hometown. The two of them walked and ran, stopping to throw a snowball at each other. They glided in the snow, competing whose distance was bigger. Their mood was innocently joyful as they played under the brilliant lamplight.
“Will you come again a few days later?” He Luo asked.
“Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”
“Okay.” He Luo nodded. If Zhang Yuan’s meeting goes well, his small company will merge with the existing IT department of Zheng Tian Da’s company and several other Shenzhen working groups. Perhaps everything will change then.
Zhang Yuan has once said his idea was to set up a research and development centre in Beijing and face the fledgling startups and established state-owned companies, to avoid the fierce competition in the north. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
In any case, his first choice was this city she had stayed in for nearly four years. It inevitably gave He Luo this and that kind of thoughts. The future was the uncertain deep sea, it was as if a beam of light had appeared, rippling to the surface.
Close to the end of the year, Zhang Yuan went to see He Luo again. This time, his expression looked bad. He strode on with big steps, forcing He Luo to run slightly to catch up. She was afraid to ask about the proposal. In her heart, she had an odd feeling that she knew what Zhang Yuan was going to talk about.
“I want to give up. The decision makers don’t really like this plan.” Zhang Yuan looked dignified yet his tone carried a hint of anger.
“Hey, don’t.” He Luo panicked. “You’ve already worked hard for so long. Could you bear giving it up? If it’s something I’ve worked this hard for, I wouldn’t even mention about giving up.”
“A good man ought to have ambition. If I want to build my career, I don’t necessarily have to depend on this company. This place doesn’t need me and I can naturally try my luck at other places.”
“But didn’t you say that it’s rare to find a company with the same vision as you have, as well as the money and resources, that can give you the freedom to do what you want?” He Luo repeated the words he had once told her. “A good man ought to have ambition, but what if you can’t build a career? Are you going to drift forever?”
“Then I’ll keep trying forever! Next time I’ll ask a more difficult question.” Zhang Yuan smiled. He thought for a long moment before staring into He Luo’s eyes. “Don’t worry. I’m only complaining. But there’s something I want to say, no matter what decision I make, it’s solely for me to build a career. There are absolutely no other reasons.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
The campus square was the set-up for the open-air stage, the gingko trees framed the main road. Every few meters, there would be a hanging red lantern. Zhang Yuan suddenly turned around and asked, “Where’s your camera? It’s so lively here. Let’s take some photos.”
He Luo was momentarily stunned and made an “oh” noise. Their conversation today was too heavy. She was unable to summarise the key points. Time and time again she combed over it in her mind but she still couldn’t grasp his meaning.
The time stopped in their frames.
Zhang Yuan placed his hand into a tree hole, faking a pained face as he placed his hand into a tree hole. His other hand was holding a tanghulu. He lifted his head and said, “Tanghulu commercial, old Taoist edition.”
He then wrapped his fist with his scarf and placed He Luo’s hand warmers on his head. Laughing, he said, “Like this, it’s He Luo’s rabbit edition(?).”
He Luo giggled. She wore a small Han-style coat with embroidered lotus print, with a woolen collar. Zhang Yuan laughed. “You look like you’re wearing a big glove.”
“How do I look like a glove?” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“This way of dressing reminds me of a glove. Didn’t you have a pair of gloves that looks something like this?”
He Luo nodded. “That’s so many years ago. My uncle didn’t like the words on it. I don’t know where it has gone to.”
Zhang Yuan put his overcoat on his arm, revealing his suit inside. He greeted He Luo, “Here, come and compare our shadows. The contrast is so stark. One is a false foreign devil, the other is a country bumpkin.” He raised his hand and made rabbit ears behind her head. He Luo stood in front of him and heard the sound of rustling behind her. She coughed once and elbowed him. “Hey, don’t make rabbit ears for me.”
“Big sis!” Zhang Yuan inhaled a puff of cold air. “You put in so much force! Don’t you know I have gastritis?”
“Serves you right!” He Luo said.
“So wicked.” He loosened his shoulders. “If you don’t want me to do it, then I’ll just not.” He put down his hands and, in a flash, he was in front of her.
He Luo was startled. It was a light touch but it was enough to electrify the air.
“Thank you!” Zhang Yuan left to borrow a camera from someone. He waved the camera in front of her. “Coincidentally it’s the last one! I’ll give it to you after I get it processed.” He acted as if nothing had happened earlier. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
The president’s secretary Xiao Fang came to look for Zhang Yuan. “Where have you been? Qing Yin has been waiting for you for a long time.”
“Oh. Didn’t I already say that I’ll be meeting an old friend today?”
“Ah, it’s me who has come early!” Zheng Qing Yin poked her head out from the VIP dining room, her eyes turning into half-circles when she smiled. “I don’t have many friends in Beijing anyway, so I’ve came here in the afternoon.”
“Qing Yin has not come home for a long time. As a senior, no matter what you should take her around for a visit.” Xiao Fang’s laugh carried a hint of a deeper meaning. “You don’t have much to do lately anyway, you’re only waiting for the results of the committee.”
Zhang Yuan also laughed. “I’m worried she’ll be lost under my care. I’m not used to Beijing. Even though I’ve come here many times, I basically only go from the station to my girlfriend’s university. It’s an A-to-B point.” He waved at Zheng Qing Yin. “If you want, we can go to He Luo’s place. She can take you around.”
Zheng Qing Yin’s smile faltered. She forced herself to smile anyway. “The last time I saw you two… she didn’t say much. Have you coaxed her?”
“Who won’t have little arguments with one another?” Zhang Yuan said. “He Luo is the easiest to coax. You can just buy her some good food. Right, there’s a lot going on in her university right now. Do you want to go and check out the local university experience?” As he said this, he handed her a stack of photos. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
Zheng Qing Yin hesitated for a moment before accepting the photos. Her expression became more and more sour as she looked carefully at the photos.
Xiao Fang looked up. In the photo, an elegant girl was holding roasted sweet potatoes as she looked at the camera with a surprised expression. Her mouth was stained with sweet potato. Her brows were lightly knitted together, her eyes were smiling.
“The photos look nice, don’t they?” Zhang Yuan smiled. “This is called a candid photo. Just take the photo first and worry about the consequences later.”
“The photos do look nice.” Zheng Qing Yin tugged at the corners of her lips. With a light laugh, she said, “Forget it. I’ll just ask the driver to send me somewhere I can shop. Truthfully, coming back this time, I didn’t expect to see you. It’s nice just to be able to meet you and say hello.”
She lowered her head and hurriedly walked to the elevator. Xiao Fang followed. Before she walked any further, she smiled at Zhang Yuan and said quietly, “If you don’t have to process [print it], the quality of the photos would be better.”
Zhang Yuan smiled. The president’s secretary was more sensitive than the president’s niece. In one glance, she was able to notice the date on the photo. Perhaps he was being reckless, he thought as he rubbed his temples. But if Zheng Qin Yin became competitive over him, he would hate himself. What would his colleagues think? What would He Luo think?
If this meant he would offend Zheng Tian Da, then so be it. Zhang Yuan laughed bitterly, remembering one phrase: “This place doesn’t need [me] to stay, I can only go to a place that needs me.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
When He Luo received the photos from the courier, she lightly smiled as she checked them over and over. More often, she sighed. It was as if what happened the other day was just a figment of her imagination and had never happened at all. She traced the path in the campus where she and Zhang Yuan walked. The moonlight was cool, the trees were dark, casting a lonely shadow of exhaustion. She called Zhang Yuan. “Where are you? Can you come over tomorrow? I have something to tell you.”
Zhang Yuan said, “I can’t be sure. There’s something tricky in my hands now. Can you wait? I’ll be finished very soon.”
He Luo hung up the phone, sighing deeply. Do you know tomorrow is New Year’s Eve? I want to listen to the ringing of the bells welcoming the new year with you, listen to everyone’s cheers. What are you so busy about that you can’t even get away at such a time?
The general manager of the committee, Chairman Liu smiled faintly as he watched Zhang Yuan. “Your little girlfriend is looking for you?”
“Yes.” Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Your proposed idea is very new but it’s definitely not the most feasible.” Chairman Liu knocked on the table. “Those in favour of and against are split evenly. Basically, it’s half-half. Even though we make a great effort in fostering new software subsidiaries, this is still a great risk for us. This company is basically under Boss Zheng’s complete control. The final decision is up to him.”
“I’ve already prepared for the worst outcome, which is to pack up and leave.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try. In this period of time, I’ve learned many new things.”
“Don’t give up just yet.” Chairman Liu smiled. “You’re still young. You have momentum to rush forward, it’s also easy for you to be impulsive.”
It had came down to the last four hours of the year. Zhang Yuan sent He Luo a text: “I’m going to find you.” Just as he was about to get a taxi, Xiao Fang called. “The big boss wants to meet you.”
Zhang Yuan’s voice was hasty. “He Luo, it seems like I can’t go today.”
“Do your best. Please?” she asked. Her heart still carried hope. This kind of ambiguous swaying had caused her numerous bruises and injuries from being knocked down by the constant hope and disappointment. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
He Luo had turned down all invitations to dinner and sat quietly in her room, waiting. His phone was turned off when she called, there was no reply when she texted. As she waited, Cai Man Xin used He Luo as a model for her makeup practice as she was going for her internship soon. Looking at herself in the mirror, the reflection was mature and unfamiliar. She shook her head repeatedly and hurriedly washed away the makeup. Zhang Yuan still didn’t show up.
Close to 8 pm, her call was finally able to connect. She said, “Come over. Let’s talk.”
“I’m too tired today. Wait for awhile longer.” Zhang Yuan had just left Zheng Tian Da’s home. The stressful few hours had just passed, leaving his body sapped of energy. He didn’t even turn around.
“Okay, I’ll wait,” He Luo coolly said. “That’s what you always say. If I wait awhile longer, it’d already be the new year. If I wait awhile longer, I’ll already be overseas. You won’t be able to see me and I won’t force you to hear me nag.”
Zhang Yuan laughed. “Don’t lose your temper at me. I’m really tired. Next time.”
How many more next time do we have left? He Luo was overwhelmed with melancholy. “Again and again, just postponing. Postpone it until we both don’t want to talk anymore. At that moment, we really won’t have anymore to talk about.”
Zhang Yuan had never came across such an arrogant He Luo, who wasn’t understanding of his hardships. If they met now, they would definitely argue. If he told her everything, would he garner her sympathy and support, or will she be angry for being lied to and being manipulated? Zhang Yuan couldn’t tell. Translation by cnovelproject.blogspot.com
“Stop making trouble, He Luo. I really can’t this time.” Tiredly, he said, “Did you think I came to Beijing for you?”
“Yes… I know. There are many things in your mind.” He Luo’s lips quivered. Her tears wouldn’t even flow. “It’s me who made trouble for you.”
When you are tired, when are you facing obstacles, I’m revealing what I really feel to you. You have never included me in your future plans. You chose to come to Beijing for yourself, not for me.
She remembered Zhang Yuan’s words: “No matter what decision I make, it’s solely for me to build a career. There’s absolutely no other reasons.”
So it turns out that I’m the one who troubled you. How could I trouble you? So, again and again, I trouble myself. All these ambiguous feelings and testing, it is all just to occupy your life? It’s me who’s too deeply immersed in this play. You’re not the main character, not even part of the audience. You’ve come, you’ve left. It’s me who imagined this mirage of a reunion.
Holding the phone, He Luo can only feel a deep, piercing despair.
