Holding on to my murky suspicions, I left the guild and set out on the way back along with Aira and Palmira.
When we got outside, the sun had already dipped fairly low to the horizon, dying the sky a vivid crimson.
It looked like I ended up spending more time at the guild than I thought. Leon already knew that we weren’t there, didn’t he?
“We ended up staying out quite late…”
Aira trudged along, also looking uneasy.
Though it was hardly enough, we were able to achieve some results at the guild.
I was able to get the answers to the questions I wanted to ask, more or less. I couldn’t call them satisfying, but it was still worth it to sneak out.
However, to a certain degree, that was an excuse.
To tell you the truth, when I was wrapping things up, same as Aira, I grew nervous about what would happen upon our return.
That is, would Leon be angry?
Still, aside from that particular worry, I harbored some distrust toward Leon.
Because of what Arc had said earlier about the military.
The military.
Of course, they come in all shapes and sizes. Considering the imperial military as a whole, it should be a standing army of close to a million troops.
From that perspective, the force known simply as the ‘Elite Guard’ didn’t make up even one percent of the total. So while I still called it an ‘army’, it was weird to think of it alongside the entire imperial military.
However, I couldn’t imagine them separate entities. Why? It was none other than Leon that I told about the Artor Ruins, and that was the exact reason why the military presence there made sense.
That was just my opinion, though. Of course, it was also possible that some other army was there for some other purpose.
But there needed to be an appropriate reason to mobilize the military.
And right now, I couldn’t think of any other reasons. No matter how I looked at it, Leon had to be involved somehow.
“Hahh…”
A sigh escaped my lips.
Could be worse, right?
I mean, even if Leon finds something in Artor, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
It would be strange for me to poke my nose in, asking ‘What were you doing?’
So it was no big deal.
While I mulled things over, the garrison gate came into view.
I suddenly thought, ‘Ah, I ended up coming back here.’
Dusk on my heels, a feeling washed over me that I’d missed dearly, all these years.
I felt much like I did when, as a child, I’d come home after running off to play against my parents’ wishes.
How did it go, back then?
If I remember right, my mother would be waiting in front of the house, and I —
There was someone standing by the door.
No, not someone.
It was far, but I knew that it was Leon. I could see Leopard beside him.
I could hear a sharp intake of breath behind me. Aira, I bet.
I was getting pretty uncomfortable myself, but with an air of resignation, I slowly walked forward.
Leon’s figure grew clearer and clearer. He was watching us, his arms crossed. And he wasn’t smiling.
Is he pissed? Yeah, he’s pissed alright.
My heartbeat sped up so much I had to wonder, why am I getting this anxious?
Ahh, I don’t want to go. But I kept my thoughts inside, and my feet steadily brought me closer to Leon. It wasn’t like I could escape somewhere else at this point. Say what you like, there was no running for me now. And so I moved my feet forward by force of will.
And, like so, I stood in front of Leon.
He stared at me fixedly, his expression hard. What — should I say here? I abruptly averted my eyes from the awkwardness.
“…Um, Leon, the truth is — ”
Not knowing the right words to say, I began to speak in a subdued murmur — when for a moment my cheek flashed hot, and my vision swung to the side.
A slap sound hit my ears.
“…–?”
Huh?
Unable to process what had happened, I touched my hand to my stinging, burning cheek.
Huh?
Timidly, I slowly turned my eyes to look in front of me.
— That day, when I stood in front of my mother —
Standing there, his expression fury mingled with despair, his raised hand trembling, was Leon.
–
–
“…You — !”
Leon shouted at me as I looked up at him in blank amazement. My body quivered unexpectedly from the shock.
It was my first time seeing Leon with that kind of look on his face. Is he angry? The rational part of me stood by, observing nonchalantly.
When I looked at Leopard standing off to the side, he’d gone stiff with a look of surprise.
Ah, so even Leopard could make such a face. Was it that rare for Leon to be like this…?
“What in the world were you doing!? I should have told you that you weren’t to go into the city, right!? And yet you — !”
For a moment, Leon’s furious tirade faltered.
And my wits came back to me.
What?
What the hell?
Why do I have to get chewed out? Why do I have to eat a hit to the face?
My heart filled with a boiling rage.
In front of me, Leon glared at me. He seemed to be searching for his next words.
That state of his strengthened my conviction that he had something to hide.
When that thought came into contact my existing distrust, everything ignited.
“Do you understand!?”
“—-! Shut — the — fuck — up!”
I yelled over Leon’s voice, my emotions blazing.
I heard a pair of gasps come from behind me, but I ignored them.
“What the hell! You — ! Who the hell do you think you are! Yeah, I owe you for helping me! But I don’t remember ever making you my goddamn mother — ! Don’t barge into my business! I am me!”
I spat out a rapid stream of unimaginable invective.
His face stiffening at my words, Leon stared at me.
“After all, you’re just lying to yourself, seeing me as someone I’m not! I’m no one’s goddamn replacement — ! Don’t fuck with me! I — am me — ! No one else!”
It might have been smoldering inside me all this time.
I am me.
Woman, man, I don’t care.
The [me] here is all that I am. Christopher Carson, not some Christine chick.
Not once have I ever thought of myself as her. And even if it seemed to be true, I wouldn’t give a shit. That’s something I don’t need to think twice about. I don’t know what point there is in getting mad.
But this guy is hiding something. He won’t say it.
It gets me thinking. I have to.
All of those things rattled around inside me, becoming ugly, transforming into rage.
In the end, telling me some things and withholding others, he played me like a pro, trying to mold me into [something] that suited his purposes. No more than that.
He’s making a fool out of me…! He’s fucking around with me!
“Big Sister!”
“You can’t!”
Suddenly, Aira hugged me from behind.
I felt something gripping my right hand. Palmira?
But my eyes were fixed on Leon’s, refusing to move away.
He watched me, his expression stiff. I could read a medley of emotions in his eyes.
Then, before they could clearly resolve into one, Leon averted his gaze to the side.
“Young master…”
Perhaps sensing the shift in the mood, Leopard addressed Leon with a worried look on his face.
Leon’s eyes were turned away, his body and face following suit. For a little while, he just stood there.
“Leopard.”
His voice was so calm that it inadvertently startled me. Leopard, his expression growing even more rigid, stood ramrod straight.
“Take them to their room. After that, station a soldier outside the door.”
The first half aside, I didn’t need to ask what he meant by the second.
Confinement.
I grit my teeth.
“Y…Yes!”
Slightly delayed, Leopard’s brief, firm acknowledgement rang out.
Then, keeping his face turned away from us, Leon left.
Leopard was efficient. After glancing at us with a complex expression, full of feelings he couldn’t completely disguise, he slightly inclined his head.
‘Come with me.’ That’s what it meant.
I looked at Leon. I couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking from the sight of his retreating back.
“…I am Chris! Not [Chris], you got that!?”
I hurled my final words at his back.
In the end, for just a moment, he turned to look at me.
It wasn’t anger that was on his face.
Not sadness, either.
It was fear.
–
–
“Ahhh, I’ve really done it now…”
I was already full of regret by the time Leopard escorted us back to our room.
Groaning, I flopped back on the bed.
Thinking back, I felt that I’d gone too far. I didn’t need to say those things.
Truth is, it shouldn’t matter how Leon saw me.
Even if he considered me [Chris’s] replacement, there was no real need to get worked up about it. I should have understood from all that marriage business that I was acting as a substitute in the first place.
That night, shouldn’t I have kept my mouth shut instead of saying those things? That I’d be willing to be a substitute and all.
Besides, if I looked at it rationally, wasn’t Leon’s anger only to be expected?
It wasn’t like we made a promise, but he did tell us not to go out. And we were the ones who didn’t listen.
…Still, I didn’t think it warranted getting pissed to the point of slapping me.
But it wasn’t like I didn’t know how it felt to worry helplessly.1
The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was the one to blame.
“…Our life here is over, isn’t it…”
Sitting at the end of the bed, Aira kept her dazed face facing the opposite direction as she mumbled those words.
Guh — …!
I froze right in the middle of rolling about.
“Chris, you were in the wrong earlier,”
said Palmira, reading a book she borrowed from the guild beside Aira.
To make things worse, she didn’t even look up.
Guh — x2…!
” — tch! I get it, okay! It’s my fault!”
Rather than bottle up my feelings, I sprang off the bed with a shout.
The two others turned to look at me.
“You need to say that to Lord Leon.”
“That’s right. Even if you say it to us, there is no meaning to it, is there?”
Sure, they had a point.
“Alright, I give, but I’ve got no idea what to say. Besides, how am I supposed to meet up with him anyway?”
Sneak out of the room and go see him?
No, there should be some poor soldier working hard in front of the door. Sorry, man.
“Hmm, let me think. For this, the sooner you do it, the better… We set out tomorrow. It seems that the opportunity to do so will disappear.”
“Sneak out.”
“If I could, this wouldn’t be such a pain…”
Having just been thinking the same thing as Palmira’s frank proposal, I ruled it out right away.
Though, to be honest, that was the only thing I’d thought of.
Like Aira said, it looked like I’d miss my chance once tomorrow rolled around, and it would just get harder and harder for me to talk to him. Time might smooth things over, but I hated the thought of waiting around with my mouth shut.
Besides, Leon’s expression at the end worried me.
That insecurity, possibly fear.
What was he thinking, what was he afraid of?
“Aaahhh, what do I do?”
I collapsed back onto the bed and suddenly looked over at the wall.
— Back then, Leon was always there when I woke up.
I saw him, against that bare wall.
He would always be smiling. Make fun of me like some kid. Get an awkward look on his face. Give me a wry smile. Look like he was having fun.
…He never wore an expression like that.
“…Going?”
Reason be damned, I decided, and jumped off the bed.
Leon shouldn’t wear an expression like that.
And without a doubt, I was the one who made him. That was why I had to see him, had to talk to him.
I didn’t know if it would be enough for him to forgive me.
“What do you intend to do?” asked Aira.
Putting my two dubious companions out of my mind, I went over to the window and opened it.
Night had already fallen outside. Here and there in the city, the lights were burning brightly. The night was still young.2
I leaned out the window, looking around in a circle.
We were in a corner room on the third, and top, floor. To my left, light spilled out of a window set not far away.
There was little distance from here to there, so I’d be better off assuming that there was also someone inside.
I looked down.
I could see the window on the second floor. The lights were out.
“Alright.”
“Big Sister, what do you mean by ‘alright’…?”
They were worried about what I was planning to do, I guess. I looked over my shoulder at them and said,
“Won’t you give me a hand?”
Palmira earnestly nodded at me as I gave them a wide grin.
On the other hand, Aira didn’t look enthusiastic at all.
Holding on to my murky suspicions, I left the guild and set out on the way back along with Aira and Palmira.
When we got outside, the sun had already dipped fairly low to the horizon, dying the sky a vivid crimson.
It looked like I ended up spending more time at the guild than I thought. Leon already knew that we weren’t there, didn’t he?
“We ended up staying out quite late…”
Aira trudged along, also looking uneasy.
Though it was hardly enough, we were able to achieve some results at the guild.
I was able to get the answers to the questions I wanted to ask, more or less. I couldn’t call them satisfying, but it was still worth it to sneak out.
However, to a certain degree, that was an excuse.
To tell you the truth, when I was wrapping things up, same as Aira, I grew nervous about what would happen upon our return.
That is, would Leon be angry?
Still, aside from that particular worry, I harbored some distrust toward Leon.
Because of what Arc had said earlier about the military.
The military.
Of course, they come in all shapes and sizes. Considering the imperial military as a whole, it should be a standing army of close to a million troops.
From that perspective, the force known simply as the ‘Elite Guard’ didn’t make up even one percent of the total. So while I still called it an ‘army’, it was weird to think of it alongside the entire imperial military.
However, I couldn’t imagine them separate entities. Why? It was none other than Leon that I told about the Artor Ruins, and that was the exact reason why the military presence there made sense.
That was just my opinion, though. Of course, it was also possible that some other army was there for some other purpose.
But there needed to be an appropriate reason to mobilize the military.
And right now, I couldn’t think of any other reasons. No matter how I looked at it, Leon had to be involved somehow.
“Hahh…”
A sigh escaped my lips.
Could be worse, right?
I mean, even if Leon finds something in Artor, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
It would be strange for me to poke my nose in, asking ‘What were you doing?’
So it was no big deal.
While I mulled things over, the garrison gate came into view.
I suddenly thought, ‘Ah, I ended up coming back here.’
Dusk on my heels, a feeling washed over me that I’d missed dearly, all these years.
I felt much like I did when, as a child, I’d come home after running off to play against my parents’ wishes.
How did it go, back then?
If I remember right, my mother would be waiting in front of the house, and I —
There was someone standing by the door.
No, not someone.
It was far, but I knew that it was Leon. I could see Leopard beside him.
I could hear a sharp intake of breath behind me. Aira, I bet.
I was getting pretty uncomfortable myself, but with an air of resignation, I slowly walked forward.
Leon’s figure grew clearer and clearer. He was watching us, his arms crossed. And he wasn’t smiling.
Is he pissed? Yeah, he’s pissed alright.
My heartbeat sped up so much I had to wonder, why am I getting this anxious?
Ahh, I don’t want to go. But I kept my thoughts inside, and my feet steadily brought me closer to Leon. It wasn’t like I could escape somewhere else at this point. Say what you like, there was no running for me now. And so I moved my feet forward by force of will.
And, like so, I stood in front of Leon.
He stared at me fixedly, his expression hard. What — should I say here? I abruptly averted my eyes from the awkwardness.
“…Um, Leon, the truth is — ”
Not knowing the right words to say, I began to speak in a subdued murmur — when for a moment my cheek flashed hot, and my vision swung to the side.
A slap sound hit my ears.
“…–?”
Huh?
Unable to process what had happened, I touched my hand to my stinging, burning cheek.
Huh?
Timidly, I slowly turned my eyes to look in front of me.
— That day, when I stood in front of my mother —
Standing there, his expression fury mingled with despair, his raised hand trembling, was Leon.
–
–
“…You — !”
Leon shouted at me as I looked up at him in blank amazement. My body quivered unexpectedly from the shock.
It was my first time seeing Leon with that kind of look on his face. Is he angry? The rational part of me stood by, observing nonchalantly.
When I looked at Leopard standing off to the side, he’d gone stiff with a look of surprise.
Ah, so even Leopard could make such a face. Was it that rare for Leon to be like this…?
“What in the world were you doing!? I should have told you that you weren’t to go into the city, right!? And yet you — !”
For a moment, Leon’s furious tirade faltered.
And my wits came back to me.
What?
What the hell?
Why do I have to get chewed out? Why do I have to eat a hit to the face?
My heart filled with a boiling rage.
In front of me, Leon glared at me. He seemed to be searching for his next words.
That state of his strengthened my conviction that he had something to hide.
When that thought came into contact my existing distrust, everything ignited.
“Do you understand!?”
“—-! Shut — the — fuck — up!”
I yelled over Leon’s voice, my emotions blazing.
I heard a pair of gasps come from behind me, but I ignored them.
“What the hell! You — ! Who the hell do you think you are! Yeah, I owe you for helping me! But I don’t remember ever making you my goddamn mother — ! Don’t barge into my business! I am me!”
I spat out a rapid stream of unimaginable invective.
His face stiffening at my words, Leon stared at me.
“After all, you’re just lying to yourself, seeing me as someone I’m not! I’m no one’s goddamn replacement — ! Don’t fuck with me! I — am me — ! No one else!”
It might have been smoldering inside me all this time.
I am me.
Woman, man, I don’t care.
The [me] here is all that I am. Christopher Carson, not some Christine chick.
Not once have I ever thought of myself as her. And even if it seemed to be true, I wouldn’t give a shit. That’s something I don’t need to think twice about. I don’t know what point there is in getting mad.
But this guy is hiding something. He won’t say it.
It gets me thinking. I have to.
All of those things rattled around inside me, becoming ugly, transforming into rage.
In the end, telling me some things and withholding others, he played me like a pro, trying to mold me into [something] that suited his purposes. No more than that.
He’s making a fool out of me…! He’s fucking around with me!
“Big Sister!”
“You can’t!”
Suddenly, Aira hugged me from behind.
I felt something gripping my right hand. Palmira?
But my eyes were fixed on Leon’s, refusing to move away.
He watched me, his expression stiff. I could read a medley of emotions in his eyes.
Then, before they could clearly resolve into one, Leon averted his gaze to the side.
“Young master…”
Perhaps sensing the shift in the mood, Leopard addressed Leon with a worried look on his face.
Leon’s eyes were turned away, his body and face following suit. For a little while, he just stood there.
“Leopard.”
His voice was so calm that it inadvertently startled me. Leopard, his expression growing even more rigid, stood ramrod straight.
“Take them to their room. After that, station a soldier outside the door.”
The first half aside, I didn’t need to ask what he meant by the second.
Confinement.
I grit my teeth.
“Y…Yes!”
Slightly delayed, Leopard’s brief, firm acknowledgement rang out.
Then, keeping his face turned away from us, Leon left.
Leopard was efficient. After glancing at us with a complex expression, full of feelings he couldn’t completely disguise, he slightly inclined his head.
‘Come with me.’ That’s what it meant.
I looked at Leon. I couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking from the sight of his retreating back.
“…I am Chris! Not [Chris], you got that!?”
I hurled my final words at his back.
In the end, for just a moment, he turned to look at me.
It wasn’t anger that was on his face.
Not sadness, either.
It was fear.
–
–
“Ahhh, I’ve really done it now…”
I was already full of regret by the time Leopard escorted us back to our room.
Groaning, I flopped back on the bed.
Thinking back, I felt that I’d gone too far. I didn’t need to say those things.
Truth is, it shouldn’t matter how Leon saw me.
Even if he considered me [Chris’s] replacement, there was no real need to get worked up about it. I should have understood from all that marriage business that I was acting as a substitute in the first place.
That night, shouldn’t I have kept my mouth shut instead of saying those things? That I’d be willing to be a substitute and all.
Besides, if I looked at it rationally, wasn’t Leon’s anger only to be expected?
It wasn’t like we made a promise, but he did tell us not to go out. And we were the ones who didn’t listen.
…Still, I didn’t think it warranted getting pissed to the point of slapping me.
But it wasn’t like I didn’t know how it felt to worry helplessly.1
The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was the one to blame.
“…Our life here is over, isn’t it…”
Sitting at the end of the bed, Aira kept her dazed face facing the opposite direction as she mumbled those words.
Guh — …!
I froze right in the middle of rolling about.
“Chris, you were in the wrong earlier,”
said Palmira, reading a book she borrowed from the guild beside Aira.
To make things worse, she didn’t even look up.
Guh — x2…!
” — tch! I get it, okay! It’s my fault!”
Rather than bottle up my feelings, I sprang off the bed with a shout.
The two others turned to look at me.
“You need to say that to Lord Leon.”
“That’s right. Even if you say it to us, there is no meaning to it, is there?”
Sure, they had a point.
“Alright, I give, but I’ve got no idea what to say. Besides, how am I supposed to meet up with him anyway?”
Sneak out of the room and go see him?
No, there should be some poor soldier working hard in front of the door. Sorry, man.
“Hmm, let me think. For this, the sooner you do it, the better… We set out tomorrow. It seems that the opportunity to do so will disappear.”
“Sneak out.”
“If I could, this wouldn’t be such a pain…”
Having just been thinking the same thing as Palmira’s frank proposal, I ruled it out right away.
Though, to be honest, that was the only thing I’d thought of.
Like Aira said, it looked like I’d miss my chance once tomorrow rolled around, and it would just get harder and harder for me to talk to him. Time might smooth things over, but I hated the thought of waiting around with my mouth shut.
Besides, Leon’s expression at the end worried me.
That insecurity, possibly fear.
What was he thinking, what was he afraid of?
“Aaahhh, what do I do?”
I collapsed back onto the bed and suddenly looked over at the wall.
— Back then, Leon was always there when I woke up.
I saw him, against that bare wall.
He would always be smiling. Make fun of me like some kid. Get an awkward look on his face. Give me a wry smile. Look like he was having fun.
…He never wore an expression like that.
“…Going?”
Reason be damned, I decided, and jumped off the bed.
Leon shouldn’t wear an expression like that.
And without a doubt, I was the one who made him. That was why I had to see him, had to talk to him.
I didn’t know if it would be enough for him to forgive me.
“What do you intend to do?” asked Aira.
Putting my two dubious companions out of my mind, I went over to the window and opened it.
Night had already fallen outside. Here and there in the city, the lights were burning brightly. The night was still young.2
I leaned out the window, looking around in a circle.
We were in a corner room on the third, and top, floor. To my left, light spilled out of a window set not far away.
There was little distance from here to there, so I’d be better off assuming that there was also someone inside.
I looked down.
I could see the window on the second floor. The lights were out.
“Alright.”
“Big Sister, what do you mean by ‘alright’…?”
They were worried about what I was planning to do, I guess. I looked over my shoulder at them and said,
“Won’t you give me a hand?”
Palmira earnestly nodded at me as I gave them a wide grin.
On the other hand, Aira didn’t look enthusiastic at all.
