Xiu Ling sat in her bedroom with a frown on her face to show that she was deep in thought. It had been a week since her best friend posed her that question at the wedding dress shop. Joann did not say anything beyond that, she just wanted her to think this through.
At the time, Xiu Ling really wanted to say, 'what is it to you? Can't you just be happy for me?' but she held her tongue. She knew she was only being defensive because Joann had touched on a subject that she had been forcing herself not to face. At the end of the day, Xiu Ling had to admit her friend only had her best benefit at heart. It was her who told her best friend to face the truth, to be honest with herself so it was only fair that she had to take her own advice.
Xiu Ling sighed to herself. It had a week since then but she still had not come to a real conclusion. Lin Kang was a changed man and that should counterbalance the man that he was... right?
However, looking from a different perspective, if she was going to separate Lin Kang into how he was in the past and how he was in the present, was Xiu Ling to extend herself the same service? The current version of herself only mattered and the version of herself in the past should just stay buried in the past.
It was true that people like to tell others to move on but it was not so easy when the experience in the past was so traumatic. Xiu Ling could not tell when she stopped to use the 'r' word when she tried to think of Lin Kang. It didn't even cross her mind that she had subconsciously blocked it.
When Joann brought it up, Xiu Ling realized with a pain in her heart that she was not able to change the past. The past might be in the past but it was definitely not buried. It was lived by Xiu Ling in person and it was as real as the present during that moment. Nothing was going to erase that. It was a truth that she had to face.
That woman who cowered in absolute fear when she was taken advantage of, was that not her? That feeling of disgust and self-recrimination that surrounded her when she left the company, could she ever forget that feeling? Should she even forget that feeling?
How devastated and hopeless she was when she found out the contractual marriage was the only option left for her, Xiu Ling felt so detached looking back but could she deny that these were not part of her history?
'Am I really going to marry...' Xiu Ling her shook head. She could not even phrase the question fully in her mind. It felt so unreal yet unfathomably realistic at the same time.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Before Xiu Ling could collect herself, the door burst open and her son tottered in. The nanny who was supposed to be looking after him glanced apologetically at Xiu Ling. "Young Miss, I'm so sorry, I'll get the little young master out immediately. Sorry for letting him burst into the room like this."
Lin Xi ran to grab his mother's leg and he shook his head at the encroaching nanny like a man begging for release. Xiu Ling couldn't help but smile. She stopped the nanny and told her, "It's okay, let him stay. Thank you for your help."
The nanny nodded and retreated out of the room. After the nanny left, Lin Xi poked his head out to look behind him. He smiled realizing his captor was no longer there. Xiu Ling picked her son up from the ground and placed him on her lap. Lin Xi tried to wiggle his way out initially but after a while, he just settled in. He played with the thread on his mother's clothes.
Xiu Ling looked at her son and she sighed. Her mind went back to the thoughts earlier. How was she going to face her son in the future? She was not only responsible for Lin Kang, herself but also Lin Xi. When he grew up in the future and asked about his parent's story, was she going to tell him the truth? Would the truth be fair to her or to Lin Kang?
Xiu Ling thought back to why she had landed in this mess in the first place. It was to provide a better life for her son. Back then she had no other avenue than to rely on a man who basically ruined her life, in other words, she sold her body, soul and future for money and stability. Was that a life lesson that she was proud to impart unto her son?
Of course, this did not negate all the positive Lin Kang had done since then. That would have been too unfair to the man. However, Xiu Ling knew this was not something like a scoreboard where things that they had done could be jotted down clearly in terms of scores. Life and relationship did not work that day.
The man was responsible for the worst thing that had happened in her life and he was also behind the many good things that made her feel good. Xiu Ling did not think she would ever make a choice like this but such is life.
Should you marry the man who raped you and gave you the most traumatic experience of your life? Ask anyone and the answer would be a resounding no.
Should you marry the man who make your stomach flutter with butterflies and promise to love you forever? The answer was simple as well, it would be a yes.
However, what if both of the questions were talking about the same man? What would be the answer then?
Xiu Ling looked down and she realized her son had fallen asleep on her lap. She put her arms around him and rocked him gently. What was she going to do...
Xiu Ling sat in her bedroom with a frown on her face to show that she was deep in thought. It had been a week since her best friend posed her that question at the wedding dress shop. Joann did not say anything beyond that, she just wanted her to think this through.
At the time, Xiu Ling really wanted to say, 'what is it to you? Can't you just be happy for me?' but she held her tongue. She knew she was only being defensive because Joann had touched on a subject that she had been forcing herself not to face. At the end of the day, Xiu Ling had to admit her friend only had her best benefit at heart. It was her who told her best friend to face the truth, to be honest with herself so it was only fair that she had to take her own advice.
Xiu Ling sighed to herself. It had a week since then but she still had not come to a real conclusion. Lin Kang was a changed man and that should counterbalance the man that he was... right?
However, looking from a different perspective, if she was going to separate Lin Kang into how he was in the past and how he was in the present, was Xiu Ling to extend herself the same service? The current version of herself only mattered and the version of herself in the past should just stay buried in the past.
It was true that people like to tell others to move on but it was not so easy when the experience in the past was so traumatic. Xiu Ling could not tell when she stopped to use the 'r' word when she tried to think of Lin Kang. It didn't even cross her mind that she had subconsciously blocked it.
When Joann brought it up, Xiu Ling realized with a pain in her heart that she was not able to change the past. The past might be in the past but it was definitely not buried. It was lived by Xiu Ling in person and it was as real as the present during that moment. Nothing was going to erase that. It was a truth that she had to face.
That woman who cowered in absolute fear when she was taken advantage of, was that not her? That feeling of disgust and self-recrimination that surrounded her when she left the company, could she ever forget that feeling? Should she even forget that feeling?
How devastated and hopeless she was when she found out the contractual marriage was the only option left for her, Xiu Ling felt so detached looking back but could she deny that these were not part of her history?
'Am I really going to marry...' Xiu Ling her shook head. She could not even phrase the question fully in her mind. It felt so unreal yet unfathomably realistic at the same time.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Before Xiu Ling could collect herself, the door burst open and her son tottered in. The nanny who was supposed to be looking after him glanced apologetically at Xiu Ling. "Young Miss, I'm so sorry, I'll get the little young master out immediately. Sorry for letting him burst into the room like this."
Lin Xi ran to grab his mother's leg and he shook his head at the encroaching nanny like a man begging for release. Xiu Ling couldn't help but smile. She stopped the nanny and told her, "It's okay, let him stay. Thank you for your help."
The nanny nodded and retreated out of the room. After the nanny left, Lin Xi poked his head out to look behind him. He smiled realizing his captor was no longer there. Xiu Ling picked her son up from the ground and placed him on her lap. Lin Xi tried to wiggle his way out initially but after a while, he just settled in. He played with the thread on his mother's clothes.
Xiu Ling looked at her son and she sighed. Her mind went back to the thoughts earlier. How was she going to face her son in the future? She was not only responsible for Lin Kang, herself but also Lin Xi. When he grew up in the future and asked about his parent's story, was she going to tell him the truth? Would the truth be fair to her or to Lin Kang?
Xiu Ling thought back to why she had landed in this mess in the first place. It was to provide a better life for her son. Back then she had no other avenue than to rely on a man who basically ruined her life, in other words, she sold her body, soul and future for money and stability. Was that a life lesson that she was proud to impart unto her son?
Of course, this did not negate all the positive Lin Kang had done since then. That would have been too unfair to the man. However, Xiu Ling knew this was not something like a scoreboard where things that they had done could be jotted down clearly in terms of scores. Life and relationship did not work that day.
The man was responsible for the worst thing that had happened in her life and he was also behind the many good things that made her feel good. Xiu Ling did not think she would ever make a choice like this but such is life.
Should you marry the man who raped you and gave you the most traumatic experience of your life? Ask anyone and the answer would be a resounding no.
Should you marry the man who make your stomach flutter with butterflies and promise to love you forever? The answer was simple as well, it would be a yes.
However, what if both of the questions were talking about the same man? What would be the answer then?
Xiu Ling looked down and she realized her son had fallen asleep on her lap. She put her arms around him and rocked him gently. What was she going to do...
