“Y-you can’t do this to me! I’m your captain!”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Captain. Okay.” Maybe if it was before I had my necklace of intelligence, I would’ve fallen for his tricks, but too bad for him! There’s no way I’ll be fooled by some faulty logic. What kind of captain wakes his subordinate while she’s taking a nap in the middle of the day while the sun is overhead? That’s the perfect time to sleep! “Over you go.”
The so-called captain screamed as I tossed him overboard. He was an earth-realm expert, so he’ll be fine. I think these saint-realm people will be fine as well. Even if they’re naked, bound, and falling down a three-story boat, I’m sure their bodies are tough enough to handle it. “Are the rest of you going to jump down by yourselves, or do I have to toss you over too?”
It might be a waste of rope, but I have a literal interspacial ring full of rope. Rope’s such a useful thing—every sect that I robbed had some. The so-called imperial soldiers weren’t responding or moving, so I picked them up and tossed them over since they weren’t going to do it themselves. Back to sleep? I think it’s a good time to go back to sleep. Ah, but first, I should check on Mr. Feathers. Last time, he meowed. Is he fixed now?
“Mr. Feathers?”
Hmm. He was still limp. But he’s warm, so he’s not dead. It’s very hard to kill a phoenix, but apparently, a tribulation can do that. Mr. Feathers is pretty lucky to survive unlike his companion. Ah! I could’ve just let Ilya cut Mr. Feathers open to retrieve her blood jelly. It’s not like he would’ve died. Darn. Well, this is why Ilya should’ve given me this necklace of intelligence earlier.
Mr. Feathers opened his eyes and stared at me with a dull expression. His beak creaked open and…. “Woof, woof.”
“…Puppers. Did you—”
“I don’t speak dog.”
What? But you’re part dog! “Really?”
“Do you speak squirrel?”
“Well, no.” Huh. Puppers has a point. Alright, well, it seems like Mr. Feathers is still broken., so I’ll stuff him back into the interspacial pouch. I wonder how that phoenix egg is doing. Should I eat it? I bet it’d taste delicious. Wait…. What if it’s uncookable like the phoenix? Yeah, that’s definitely the case. Then I guess I’ll just have to settle for an aurochs. Mm, but I’m getting tired of aurochs. We should be pretty close to the capital now, right? I want to visit a restaurant! And with my Immortal Poison Body, I have absolutely no need to fear food cooked by others. Life is great. Well, it would be great if Durandal were around!
“Stupid Durandal. Give me a sky-realm-ranked sword or I’ll rob you of your happiness. Jeez.” This is abuse! Right? It totally constitutes as abuse. I’m going to give him a stern talking-to once he wakes up. Hah…, but where am I supposed to find a smith that can make sky-realm-ranked swords? Wait a minute…. I’ve been going about this all wrong! This is why Ilya should’ve made me this necklace of intelligence earlier! Instead of finding a smith and kidnapping his child, I can just beat up and take someone’s sword! I can cut out the middleman completely! But how will I find an expert with a sword…. I know! I’ll just go over to the steering wheel and … there. All done.
“Lucia?” Softie popped her head out of the cabin that led downstairs. “The boat’s flying up?”
Yup. Seems like it. “So it is.”
“What happened to the captain of the imperial army?”
“Oh. He was a fake so I threw him overboard.” Higher, boat, go higher!
“Why are we flying…? I thought we were riding a carriage.” Softie frowned as she walked over to my side.
“Well, see, people don’t like it when we fly, right?”
Softie nodded. “Yes. It’s against the law.”
“And the people who enforce the laws comes after us, yes?”
“Okay….”
“Then when I beat them up, stronger people came later, yeah?”
“Right….”
“So if I keep breaking the law and keep beating the people who come after us, eventually, someone with a sky-realm-ranked sword is bound to come out to stop us! Then all I have to do is beat him up and take his sword!”
Softie bit her lower lip. “I think there’s something wrong with your plan.”
Hmm? “That’s impossible. All my plans are foolproof.” This was designed after I received a boost to my intelligence. My plans have never failed before, but now they’ll definitely not fail! “And once I have a sky-realm-ranked sword, Durandal will come back!”
“Are you sure you can defeat someone who has a sky-realm-ranked sword? And what happens after Durandal comes back? You’ll be a wanted criminal for resisting the law so many times, not to mention thievery and aggression.”
“Aren’t we already criminals?”
“…You’re right. But this plan completely hinges on you being strong enough to attract an expert that you can defeat.” Softie’s forehead wrinkled. “Can’t you take it slow? There’s no reason not to join the army and slowly build up merits for a reward that you can exchange for what you want.”
“No reason? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had sex? I’ll tell you how long. Too long! There’s no time to slowly build up merits. Before you know it, I’ll be well past my prime and my chance at having kids will plummet! No reason not to slowly build up merits? I don’t have all the time in the world!” That’s right. Before I’m too old, I have to have kids! How else will I accomplish my dreams of making a family with Durandal if Durandal’s stuck as an orb?
“Wait.” Softie held her hand up and used her other hand to massage her forehead. “You partake in, um, activities with Durandal because you want children? Disregarding the fact that cultivators stay fertile for longer, your reason makes no sense because weapon spirits are sterile.”
…Say what? “Ste…rile?”
“It means they can’t have children.”
“I know what it means!” I’m not an idiot! What do you mean Durandal’s sterile!? That’s impossible! …It actually makes a lot of sense, actually, since I’m not pregnant despite how frequently we do it. “Is this true, Puppers?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say anything…?”
“Ah. Uh…. Ahem. Durandal told me not to. You’ll have to ask him.”
“Durandal!!! I’m going to stick you into my panties, goddammit! How dare you lie to me!?”
“Y-you can’t do this to me! I’m your captain!”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Captain. Okay.” Maybe if it was before I had my necklace of intelligence, I would’ve fallen for his tricks, but too bad for him! There’s no way I’ll be fooled by some faulty logic. What kind of captain wakes his subordinate while she’s taking a nap in the middle of the day while the sun is overhead? That’s the perfect time to sleep! “Over you go.”
The so-called captain screamed as I tossed him overboard. He was an earth-realm expert, so he’ll be fine. I think these saint-realm people will be fine as well. Even if they’re naked, bound, and falling down a three-story boat, I’m sure their bodies are tough enough to handle it. “Are the rest of you going to jump down by yourselves, or do I have to toss you over too?”
It might be a waste of rope, but I have a literal interspacial ring full of rope. Rope’s such a useful thing—every sect that I robbed had some. The so-called imperial soldiers weren’t responding or moving, so I picked them up and tossed them over since they weren’t going to do it themselves. Back to sleep? I think it’s a good time to go back to sleep. Ah, but first, I should check on Mr. Feathers. Last time, he meowed. Is he fixed now?
“Mr. Feathers?”
Hmm. He was still limp. But he’s warm, so he’s not dead. It’s very hard to kill a phoenix, but apparently, a tribulation can do that. Mr. Feathers is pretty lucky to survive unlike his companion. Ah! I could’ve just let Ilya cut Mr. Feathers open to retrieve her blood jelly. It’s not like he would’ve died. Darn. Well, this is why Ilya should’ve given me this necklace of intelligence earlier.
Mr. Feathers opened his eyes and stared at me with a dull expression. His beak creaked open and…. “Woof, woof.”
“…Puppers. Did you—”
“I don’t speak dog.”
What? But you’re part dog! “Really?”
“Do you speak squirrel?”
“Well, no.” Huh. Puppers has a point. Alright, well, it seems like Mr. Feathers is still broken., so I’ll stuff him back into the interspacial pouch. I wonder how that phoenix egg is doing. Should I eat it? I bet it’d taste delicious. Wait…. What if it’s uncookable like the phoenix? Yeah, that’s definitely the case. Then I guess I’ll just have to settle for an aurochs. Mm, but I’m getting tired of aurochs. We should be pretty close to the capital now, right? I want to visit a restaurant! And with my Immortal Poison Body, I have absolutely no need to fear food cooked by others. Life is great. Well, it would be great if Durandal were around!
“Stupid Durandal. Give me a sky-realm-ranked sword or I’ll rob you of your happiness. Jeez.” This is abuse! Right? It totally constitutes as abuse. I’m going to give him a stern talking-to once he wakes up. Hah…, but where am I supposed to find a smith that can make sky-realm-ranked swords? Wait a minute…. I’ve been going about this all wrong! This is why Ilya should’ve made me this necklace of intelligence earlier! Instead of finding a smith and kidnapping his child, I can just beat up and take someone’s sword! I can cut out the middleman completely! But how will I find an expert with a sword…. I know! I’ll just go over to the steering wheel and … there. All done.
“Lucia?” Softie popped her head out of the cabin that led downstairs. “The boat’s flying up?”
Yup. Seems like it. “So it is.”
“What happened to the captain of the imperial army?”
“Oh. He was a fake so I threw him overboard.” Higher, boat, go higher!
“Why are we flying…? I thought we were riding a carriage.” Softie frowned as she walked over to my side.
“Well, see, people don’t like it when we fly, right?”
Softie nodded. “Yes. It’s against the law.”
“And the people who enforce the laws comes after us, yes?”
“Okay….”
“Then when I beat them up, stronger people came later, yeah?”
“Right….”
“So if I keep breaking the law and keep beating the people who come after us, eventually, someone with a sky-realm-ranked sword is bound to come out to stop us! Then all I have to do is beat him up and take his sword!”
Softie bit her lower lip. “I think there’s something wrong with your plan.”
Hmm? “That’s impossible. All my plans are foolproof.” This was designed after I received a boost to my intelligence. My plans have never failed before, but now they’ll definitely not fail! “And once I have a sky-realm-ranked sword, Durandal will come back!”
“Are you sure you can defeat someone who has a sky-realm-ranked sword? And what happens after Durandal comes back? You’ll be a wanted criminal for resisting the law so many times, not to mention thievery and aggression.”
“Aren’t we already criminals?”
“…You’re right. But this plan completely hinges on you being strong enough to attract an expert that you can defeat.” Softie’s forehead wrinkled. “Can’t you take it slow? There’s no reason not to join the army and slowly build up merits for a reward that you can exchange for what you want.”
“No reason? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had sex? I’ll tell you how long. Too long! There’s no time to slowly build up merits. Before you know it, I’ll be well past my prime and my chance at having kids will plummet! No reason not to slowly build up merits? I don’t have all the time in the world!” That’s right. Before I’m too old, I have to have kids! How else will I accomplish my dreams of making a family with Durandal if Durandal’s stuck as an orb?
“Wait.” Softie held her hand up and used her other hand to massage her forehead. “You partake in, um, activities with Durandal because you want children? Disregarding the fact that cultivators stay fertile for longer, your reason makes no sense because weapon spirits are sterile.”
…Say what? “Ste…rile?”
“It means they can’t have children.”
“I know what it means!” I’m not an idiot! What do you mean Durandal’s sterile!? That’s impossible! …It actually makes a lot of sense, actually, since I’m not pregnant despite how frequently we do it. “Is this true, Puppers?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say anything…?”
“Ah. Uh…. Ahem. Durandal told me not to. You’ll have to ask him.”
“Durandal!!! I’m going to stick you into my panties, goddammit! How dare you lie to me!?”
