Chapter 3
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Assembly began and ended before I knew it. While I was physically in place, I shut-down my mind and spaced out throughout the entire morning assembly. Only upon hearing the magic words "You are dismissed for class", did I awake from my dazed state. Morning assembly is indeed the period for students to prepare for the day ahead.
Once upon a time, I stayed awake during assembly and listened to all their motivational stories and quotes. However, I soon grew tired of hearing those things. The end.
Why?
Even if they motivate you for the moment, the effects wear off as soon as you face reality. The reality that enthusiasm and optimism will not help much. Especially when the tasks at hand are of higher difficulty than what someone of your calibre can manage. Thus, I got sick of listening to useless words of encouragement given by those who have already achieved success. Achieved success and looking back in hindsight.
I once again plugged in my earphones and began listening to my anime song playlist. Even though assembly has ended, that does not mean I get to leave the hall any time soon. Why? The hall is jam-packed with students wanting to leave for their class. Correction. Students who need to head to class. No student wants to go for class except for those model students who somehow feel motivated to study every day of their lives. Personally, I go to classes to study for two reasons. One, I do not really have anything better to do. Two, I fear the consequences of getting poor results.
While I am a fan of anime, manga and light novels (in this order), I fear the wrath of my parents and teachers enough to spend a considerable amount of time studying. Heck, I'm one of those students that study even during breaks in the library!
Shoutout to myself for working hard because no one else would notice. Not with my grades anyway... I really need to stop degrading myself.
They are just facts though.
Shut up me.
Anyways, coming back to reality, the students exiting the hall are still ever so slow because students of my age seem to be unable to grasp the concept of walking quickly. Actually, many "youth" are like that. They continue their idle chatter while strolling slower than my great great grandparents.
Just kidding. I've never met my great great grandparents.
Seriously though, I wonder whether a slug would be able to move faster than them. Considering the fact that most of the students in my school are athletes, it honestly amazes me how they can be this slow. Did I mention the fact that they are really slow? If they want to talk they can do so during our long breaks throughout the day.
I fail to understand how students regardless of age always seem to have something to talk about despite seeing other roughly 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Not to mention they still keep in contact once they get home after school.
You may be wondering, how could this guy who seems like a hopeless loner possibly know how his classmates or schoolmates continue to keep in touch even outside of school? Well, it is the school culture for every class to have their class chatrooms. Thus, my class has a chatroom as well. Although most of the time, I merely watch their lively interactions without typing a single thing. After realising that unless I have something important to say or can answer to their questions in the chat, I would face the humiliation of having my message being read by everyone in the group without getting a single response, I stopped messaging the group. Even more humiliating, is when you message something and the others in the group simply ignore it and continue their own conversations. I may seem to not care about anything, but seriously, that hurts my feelings you know!
Finally finding a space to wriggle myself into, I'm on the move to my first class. Having a small and compact bag that can fit all my school notes is really useful for situations like these. Though to be honest, the ride to school and the route to leave the assembly hall are really the only two times where I get squashed between other fellow humans. If calling others humans bother you, I apologise, but it just comes out that way. Perhaps I look down on others or do not feel like a human myself despite obviously being human. I mean, even I experience inconvenient feelings such as lust, despair, anger and frustration. Love and happiness are concepts a little difficult to grasp for me though. I know they exist in anime, but reality seems to be different.
Wait how did my thoughts end up here?
Finally out of the hall, the space between other students and me gradually widened, allowing me more freedom. I quicken my pace and head straight for my first class of the day. Chemistry. What a great start to the day. I have as much chemistry with the subject as I do with those around me.
Want to make a guess? It is a well-rounded number!
If your answer is zero, you're right!!!
Immediately after I got to my seat in class, I put down my bag and took out my chemistry notes together with the homework assigned the week before. As the song playing was coming to an end, I waited for a bit longer before stopping the next song from playing. Although I was no longer listening to anything, I left my earphones on as my classmates streamed into class. Wouldn't want a case where I have to acknowledge the fact that they entered the class and greet them or anything right? They are busy talking amongst themselves in their own cliques anyway. Looking at my notes with my earphones plugged in is the surest way to make sure no one starts talking to you. Or perhaps it's just because I am the one that is doing it. If it were one of the more popular people, they would probably still have people bothering them because they could be sure they would be forgiven. Thank god I'm not a popular kid.
"Hey Laz, early as usual I see," Randy called out to me. Wow, a great way to contradict what I was just thinking. Well, it is just one person, so it should be fine. I looked his way, nodded and continued looking through my notes without actually digesting anything. Randy is one of my... acquaintances? Some may call him a friend of mine I guess. I'm not so sure of the term so I rather not throw the word "friend" around too carelessly though. He talks to me occasionally since we both watch a fair bit of anime and read manga as well. However, as much as I like my anime and manga, I'm not one to discuss them much. After all, I watch anime and read manga to kill time. Most of the time, after consuming the anime or manga, I forget about most of it soon after. I mainly remember the main plot, how I felt and what it made me think about. By the way, even if I remember the emotions I felt, I do not necessarily remember the scenes that made me feel or think whatever. Yup. That's me. I can forget practically anything except emotions or thoughts of my own.
"That's so cold Laz, I know you aren't actually reading your notes or listening to anything. How was your weekend?"
"Shut up for a bit."
"Okay..."
After looking at my notes and moving my eyes towards the end of the section on mole concept to pretend I had actually been revising the whole time, I took out my earphones and turned to face him. "I was listening to music and studying, don't give others a false impression," I lied blatantly and audible enough for those around me to hear.
The last thing I want is for everyone to know that I'm purposefully trying to separate myself from the reality of being surrounded by other students that could potentially interact with me. Not that they necessarily care.
It bothers me that Randy figured it out though. Perhaps he was just joking around. I sure hope he was joking. If not, I hope my reaction to his claim was enough to make him doubt his assumptions.
"And my weekend was... okay I guess. Most of it was spent doing homework, especially chemistry homework because it was challenging for me. Only managed to watch about three episodes of Blend M."
"Haha, you sure suck at chemistry. Maybe that could explain why you fail so terribly at having chemistry with anyone."
"..."
"Sorry... Erm, anyway, Blend M is an entertaining series to watch and can honestly be watched without binging, so it's fine if you stretch it over a few weeks in my opinion."
"Yeah..."
The teacher strolled in despite being fashionably late and began class.
I was saved. Why do I say that? I had no idea how to continue the conversation from there. Even though Randy is kind to me and always tries to talk to me, I am horrible at keeping a conversation going. Thus, every interaction is as awkward as the one we just had. Fortunately, even though Randy is a friendly guy who does not mind talking to me, he has plenty of other friends to talk to. As a result, when he is busy with his other friends, I can continue to idle my time away by myself studying or watching anime.
As Hikio Hachio from My Life Is Wrong As I Expected says, "If people are kind to me, they are likely kind to everyone." The same holds true for me. Most of those people who others may see as my friends... are usually just popular guys who are just naturally friendly to most people. While it may be an act of kindness to reach out to people like me, honestly, I would rather they just stop. Conversations are awkward and hard to keep up. At the same time, even though I am not good at handling such interactions, sometimes they end up making me feel a little happy on the inside. As much as I claim to enjoy my solitude, I do not hate interacting with others as much as I say I do either. I only say that because most of the time, after experiencing a little joy from interacting with others, it dissipates and is replaced by loneliness once they move on to talk to their other friends.
Realising that you are nothing more than just one of their many friends is rather painful if you ask me. If you are always alone though, you would not have felt the fleeting joy of what it was like to interact and have fun with someone else. Thus, you would be alone but never feel lonely. You cannot miss what you never had after all.
Half-hearted interactions with others out of a mere sense of obligation to get along with everyone should be seen as a sin. They do nothing but give people like me false hope of living a normal social school life before stripping it away the next moment. The cycle continually repeats itself until you end up in an endless chase for social interactions to escape your loneliness that arose due to half-hearted interactions with others. It is a genuinely terrifying cycle. Source: Me.
Having experienced such things, I now keep social interaction to a bare minimum. To get along with others without becoming tied down to the trap of wanting to be closer "friends". You make it evident that you want to be on good terms, but do not intrude into their personal space enough for them to consider you a friend. A friend being someone who wants to reach out to you and actually get to know you better. In the process, it may include going out together or simply talking to each other often.
I'll admit it. While I could try to be an actual "good friend", it is way too much effort. I'm not one for exerting extra effort just to maintain relationships when I'm fine surviving on my own. Too many sacrifices will have to be made on my part to fit my ideal image of a friend.
For this same reason, I've learnt not to expect anyone to ever be a "true friend". It would be too much effort to pull it off and even if someone like that did exist, which I deem highly unlikely, I would feel guilty and undeserving of such a good friend.
Anyways, by not showing much interest in others, not only do you prevent them from having false hope that you are interested in them as a person and want to be friends, but you also gain the freedom to do whatever you want. At the same time, you will also save yourself the trouble of wasting energy finding people to talk to and things to talk about. Since you can talk to anyone at any time. Not being picky about who you talk to about things you just want to get off your chest is great. It alleviates a whole lot of pent-up frustration and stress.
Without having friends following you around everywhere, you will not be peer pressured into doing a bunch of useless things not related to studying for upcoming examinations. To make sure that one can enter the university of their choice and consequently make it easier to get a job in the future, one must first study and do well in their examinations.
Of course, wasting time with others is indeed a way to kill time. However, studying is a better way to kill time because it helps your future self have the leeway to kill time however he wants due to a stable income earned through continuous hard work from his past self to present self. Most importantly, you will be content with yourself.
In the end, we will all die eventually. Whatever we do now or in the future will all lead to the same conclusion. Death. Kind of reminds you of organic chemistry no? Different reagents, under different conditions, can undergo all sorts of different reactions to reach the same product. Although that is often not the case since many possible products can be formed from the wide variety of reagents available and reactions that can occur between them. If I wanted to continue my argument, I guess the different products would simply imply at which age you die?
Perhaps it's too much of a stretch.
"..."
I should really be paying attention to what my chemistry teacher is saying right now...
I am not content with my understanding of chemistry.
Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
Assembly began and ended before I knew it. While I was physically in place, I shut-down my mind and spaced out throughout the entire morning assembly. Only upon hearing the magic words "You are dismissed for class", did I awake from my dazed state. Morning assembly is indeed the period for students to prepare for the day ahead.
Once upon a time, I stayed awake during assembly and listened to all their motivational stories and quotes. However, I soon grew tired of hearing those things. The end.
Why?
Even if they motivate you for the moment, the effects wear off as soon as you face reality. The reality that enthusiasm and optimism will not help much. Especially when the tasks at hand are of higher difficulty than what someone of your calibre can manage. Thus, I got sick of listening to useless words of encouragement given by those who have already achieved success. Achieved success and looking back in hindsight.
I once again plugged in my earphones and began listening to my anime song playlist. Even though assembly has ended, that does not mean I get to leave the hall any time soon. Why? The hall is jam-packed with students wanting to leave for their class. Correction. Students who need to head to class. No student wants to go for class except for those model students who somehow feel motivated to study every day of their lives. Personally, I go to classes to study for two reasons. One, I do not really have anything better to do. Two, I fear the consequences of getting poor results.
While I am a fan of anime, manga and light novels (in this order), I fear the wrath of my parents and teachers enough to spend a considerable amount of time studying. Heck, I'm one of those students that study even during breaks in the library!
Shoutout to myself for working hard because no one else would notice. Not with my grades anyway... I really need to stop degrading myself.
They are just facts though.
Shut up me.
Anyways, coming back to reality, the students exiting the hall are still ever so slow because students of my age seem to be unable to grasp the concept of walking quickly. Actually, many "youth" are like that. They continue their idle chatter while strolling slower than my great great grandparents.
Just kidding. I've never met my great great grandparents.
Seriously though, I wonder whether a slug would be able to move faster than them. Considering the fact that most of the students in my school are athletes, it honestly amazes me how they can be this slow. Did I mention the fact that they are really slow? If they want to talk they can do so during our long breaks throughout the day.
I fail to understand how students regardless of age always seem to have something to talk about despite seeing other roughly 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Not to mention they still keep in contact once they get home after school.
You may be wondering, how could this guy who seems like a hopeless loner possibly know how his classmates or schoolmates continue to keep in touch even outside of school? Well, it is the school culture for every class to have their class chatrooms. Thus, my class has a chatroom as well. Although most of the time, I merely watch their lively interactions without typing a single thing. After realising that unless I have something important to say or can answer to their questions in the chat, I would face the humiliation of having my message being read by everyone in the group without getting a single response, I stopped messaging the group. Even more humiliating, is when you message something and the others in the group simply ignore it and continue their own conversations. I may seem to not care about anything, but seriously, that hurts my feelings you know!
Finally finding a space to wriggle myself into, I'm on the move to my first class. Having a small and compact bag that can fit all my school notes is really useful for situations like these. Though to be honest, the ride to school and the route to leave the assembly hall are really the only two times where I get squashed between other fellow humans. If calling others humans bother you, I apologise, but it just comes out that way. Perhaps I look down on others or do not feel like a human myself despite obviously being human. I mean, even I experience inconvenient feelings such as lust, despair, anger and frustration. Love and happiness are concepts a little difficult to grasp for me though. I know they exist in anime, but reality seems to be different.
Wait how did my thoughts end up here?
Finally out of the hall, the space between other students and me gradually widened, allowing me more freedom. I quicken my pace and head straight for my first class of the day. Chemistry. What a great start to the day. I have as much chemistry with the subject as I do with those around me.
Want to make a guess? It is a well-rounded number!
If your answer is zero, you're right!!!
Immediately after I got to my seat in class, I put down my bag and took out my chemistry notes together with the homework assigned the week before. As the song playing was coming to an end, I waited for a bit longer before stopping the next song from playing. Although I was no longer listening to anything, I left my earphones on as my classmates streamed into class. Wouldn't want a case where I have to acknowledge the fact that they entered the class and greet them or anything right? They are busy talking amongst themselves in their own cliques anyway. Looking at my notes with my earphones plugged in is the surest way to make sure no one starts talking to you. Or perhaps it's just because I am the one that is doing it. If it were one of the more popular people, they would probably still have people bothering them because they could be sure they would be forgiven. Thank god I'm not a popular kid.
"Hey Laz, early as usual I see," Randy called out to me. Wow, a great way to contradict what I was just thinking. Well, it is just one person, so it should be fine. I looked his way, nodded and continued looking through my notes without actually digesting anything. Randy is one of my... acquaintances? Some may call him a friend of mine I guess. I'm not so sure of the term so I rather not throw the word "friend" around too carelessly though. He talks to me occasionally since we both watch a fair bit of anime and read manga as well. However, as much as I like my anime and manga, I'm not one to discuss them much. After all, I watch anime and read manga to kill time. Most of the time, after consuming the anime or manga, I forget about most of it soon after. I mainly remember the main plot, how I felt and what it made me think about. By the way, even if I remember the emotions I felt, I do not necessarily remember the scenes that made me feel or think whatever. Yup. That's me. I can forget practically anything except emotions or thoughts of my own.
"That's so cold Laz, I know you aren't actually reading your notes or listening to anything. How was your weekend?"
"Shut up for a bit."
"Okay..."
After looking at my notes and moving my eyes towards the end of the section on mole concept to pretend I had actually been revising the whole time, I took out my earphones and turned to face him. "I was listening to music and studying, don't give others a false impression," I lied blatantly and audible enough for those around me to hear.
The last thing I want is for everyone to know that I'm purposefully trying to separate myself from the reality of being surrounded by other students that could potentially interact with me. Not that they necessarily care.
It bothers me that Randy figured it out though. Perhaps he was just joking around. I sure hope he was joking. If not, I hope my reaction to his claim was enough to make him doubt his assumptions.
"And my weekend was... okay I guess. Most of it was spent doing homework, especially chemistry homework because it was challenging for me. Only managed to watch about three episodes of Blend M."
"Haha, you sure suck at chemistry. Maybe that could explain why you fail so terribly at having chemistry with anyone."
"..."
"Sorry... Erm, anyway, Blend M is an entertaining series to watch and can honestly be watched without binging, so it's fine if you stretch it over a few weeks in my opinion."
"Yeah..."
The teacher strolled in despite being fashionably late and began class.
I was saved. Why do I say that? I had no idea how to continue the conversation from there. Even though Randy is kind to me and always tries to talk to me, I am horrible at keeping a conversation going. Thus, every interaction is as awkward as the one we just had. Fortunately, even though Randy is a friendly guy who does not mind talking to me, he has plenty of other friends to talk to. As a result, when he is busy with his other friends, I can continue to idle my time away by myself studying or watching anime.
As Hikio Hachio from My Life Is Wrong As I Expected says, "If people are kind to me, they are likely kind to everyone." The same holds true for me. Most of those people who others may see as my friends... are usually just popular guys who are just naturally friendly to most people. While it may be an act of kindness to reach out to people like me, honestly, I would rather they just stop. Conversations are awkward and hard to keep up. At the same time, even though I am not good at handling such interactions, sometimes they end up making me feel a little happy on the inside. As much as I claim to enjoy my solitude, I do not hate interacting with others as much as I say I do either. I only say that because most of the time, after experiencing a little joy from interacting with others, it dissipates and is replaced by loneliness once they move on to talk to their other friends.
Realising that you are nothing more than just one of their many friends is rather painful if you ask me. If you are always alone though, you would not have felt the fleeting joy of what it was like to interact and have fun with someone else. Thus, you would be alone but never feel lonely. You cannot miss what you never had after all.
Half-hearted interactions with others out of a mere sense of obligation to get along with everyone should be seen as a sin. They do nothing but give people like me false hope of living a normal social school life before stripping it away the next moment. The cycle continually repeats itself until you end up in an endless chase for social interactions to escape your loneliness that arose due to half-hearted interactions with others. It is a genuinely terrifying cycle. Source: Me.
Having experienced such things, I now keep social interaction to a bare minimum. To get along with others without becoming tied down to the trap of wanting to be closer "friends". You make it evident that you want to be on good terms, but do not intrude into their personal space enough for them to consider you a friend. A friend being someone who wants to reach out to you and actually get to know you better. In the process, it may include going out together or simply talking to each other often.
I'll admit it. While I could try to be an actual "good friend", it is way too much effort. I'm not one for exerting extra effort just to maintain relationships when I'm fine surviving on my own. Too many sacrifices will have to be made on my part to fit my ideal image of a friend.
For this same reason, I've learnt not to expect anyone to ever be a "true friend". It would be too much effort to pull it off and even if someone like that did exist, which I deem highly unlikely, I would feel guilty and undeserving of such a good friend.
Anyways, by not showing much interest in others, not only do you prevent them from having false hope that you are interested in them as a person and want to be friends, but you also gain the freedom to do whatever you want. At the same time, you will also save yourself the trouble of wasting energy finding people to talk to and things to talk about. Since you can talk to anyone at any time. Not being picky about who you talk to about things you just want to get off your chest is great. It alleviates a whole lot of pent-up frustration and stress.
Without having friends following you around everywhere, you will not be peer pressured into doing a bunch of useless things not related to studying for upcoming examinations. To make sure that one can enter the university of their choice and consequently make it easier to get a job in the future, one must first study and do well in their examinations.
Of course, wasting time with others is indeed a way to kill time. However, studying is a better way to kill time because it helps your future self have the leeway to kill time however he wants due to a stable income earned through continuous hard work from his past self to present self. Most importantly, you will be content with yourself.
In the end, we will all die eventually. Whatever we do now or in the future will all lead to the same conclusion. Death. Kind of reminds you of organic chemistry no? Different reagents, under different conditions, can undergo all sorts of different reactions to reach the same product. Although that is often not the case since many possible products can be formed from the wide variety of reagents available and reactions that can occur between them. If I wanted to continue my argument, I guess the different products would simply imply at which age you die?
Perhaps it's too much of a stretch.
"..."
I should really be paying attention to what my chemistry teacher is saying right now...
I am not content with my understanding of chemistry.
Assembly began and ended before I knew it. While I was physically in place, I shut-down my mind and spaced out throughout the entire morning assembly. Only upon hearing the magic words "You are dismissed for class", did I awake from my dazed state. Morning assembly is indeed the period for students to prepare for the day ahead.Once upon a time, I stayed awake during assembly and listened to all their motivational stories and quotes. However, I soon grew tired of hearing those things. The end.Why?Even if they motivate you for the moment, the effects wear off as soon as you face reality. The reality that enthusiasm and optimism will not help much. Especially when the tasks at hand are of higher difficulty than what someone of your calibre can manage. Thus, I got sick of listening to useless words of encouragement given by those who have already achieved success. Achieved success and looking back in hindsight.I once again plugged in my earphones and began listening to my anime song playlist. Even though assembly has ended, that does not mean I get to leave the hall any time soon. Why? The hall is jam-packed with students wanting to leave for their class. Correction. Students who need to head to class. No student wants to go for class except for those model students who somehow feel motivated to study every day of their lives. Personally, I go to classes to study for two reasons. One, I do not really have anything better to do. Two, I fear the consequences of getting poor results.While I am a fan of anime, manga and light novels in this order, I fear the wrath of my parents and teachers enough to spend a considerable amount of time studying. Heck, I'm one of those students that study even during breaks in the library!Shoutout to myself for working hard because no one else would notice. Not with my grades anyway... I really need to stop degrading myself.They are just facts though.Shut up me.Anyways, coming back to reality, the students exiting the hall are still ever so slow because students of my age seem to be unable to grasp the concept of walking quickly. Actually, many "youth" are like that. They continue their idle chatter while strolling slower than my great great grandparents.Just kidding. I've never met my great great grandparents.Seriously though, I wonder whether a slug would be able to move faster than them. Considering the fact that most of the students in my school are athletes, it honestly amazes me how they can be this slow. Did I mention the fact that they are really slow? If they want to talk they can do so during our long breaks throughout the day.I fail to understand how students regardless of age always seem to have something to talk about despite seeing other roughly 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Not to mention they still keep in contact once they get home after school.You may be wondering, how could this guy who seems like a hopeless loner possibly know how his classmates or schoolmates continue to keep in touch even outside of school? Well, it is the school culture for every class to have their class chatrooms. Thus, my class has a chatroom as well. Although most of the time, I merely watch their lively interactions without typing a single thing. After realising that unless I have something important to say or can answer to their questions in the chat, I would face the humiliation of having my message being read by everyone in the group without getting a single response, I stopped messaging the group. Even more humiliating, is when you message something and the others in the group simply ignore it and continue their own conversations. I may seem to not care about anything, but seriously, that hurts my feelings you know!Finally finding a space to wriggle myself into, I'm on the move to my first class. Having a small and compact bag that can fit all my school notes is really useful for situations like these. Though to be honest, the ride to school and the route to leave the assembly hall are really the only two times where I get squashed between other fellow humans. If calling others humans bother you, I apologise, but it just comes out that way. Perhaps I look down on others or do not feel like a human myself despite obviously being human. I mean, even I experience inconvenient feelings such as lust, despair, anger and frustration. Love and happiness are concepts a little difficult to grasp for me though. I know they exist in anime, but reality seems to be different.Wait how did my thoughts end up here?Finally out of the hall, the space between other students and me gradually widened, allowing me more freedom. I quicken my pace and head straight for my first class of the day. Chemistry. What a great start to the day. I have as much chemistry with the subject as I do with those around me.Want to make a guess? It is a well-rounded number!If your answer is zero, you're right!!!Immediately after I got to my seat in class, I put down my bag and took out my chemistry notes together with the homework assigned the week before. As the song playing was coming to an end, I waited for a bit longer before stopping the next song from playing. Although I was no longer listening to anything, I left my earphones on as my classmates streamed into class. Wouldn't want a case where I have to acknowledge the fact that they entered the class and greet them or anything right? They are busy talking amongst themselves in their own cliques anyway. Looking at my notes with my earphones plugged in is the surest way to make sure no one starts talking to you. Or perhaps it's just because I am the one that is doing it. If it were one of the more popular people, they would probably still have people bothering them because they could be sure they would be forgiven. Thank god I'm not a popular kid."Hey Laz, early as usual I see," Randy called out to me. Wow, a great way to contradict what I was just thinking. Well, it is just one person, so it should be fine. I looked his way, nodded and continued looking through my notes without actually digesting anything. Randy is one of my... acquaintances? Some may call him a friend of mine I guess. I'm not so sure of the term so I rather not throw the word "friend" around too carelessly though. He talks to me occasionally since we both watch a fair bit of anime and read manga as well. However, as much as I like my anime and manga, I'm not one to discuss them much. After all, I watch anime and read manga to kill time. Most of the time, after consuming the anime or manga, I forget about most of it soon after. I mainly remember the main plot, how I felt and what it made me think about. By the way, even if I remember the emotions I felt, I do not necessarily remember the scenes that made me feel or think whatever. Yup. That's me. I can forget practically anything except emotions or thoughts of my own."That's so cold Laz, I know you aren't actually reading your notes or listening to anything. How was your weekend?""Shut up for a bit.""Okay..."After looking at my notes and moving my eyes towards the end of the section on mole concept to pretend I had actually been revising the whole time, I took out my earphones and turned to face him. "I was listening to music and studying, don't give others a false impression," I lied blatantly and audible enough for those around me to hear.The last thing I want is for everyone to know that I'm purposefully trying to separate myself from the reality of being surrounded by other students that could potentially interact with me. Not that they necessarily care.It bothers me that Randy figured it out though. Perhaps he was just joking around. I sure hope he was joking. If not, I hope my reaction to his claim was enough to make him doubt his assumptions."And my weekend was... okay I guess. Most of it was spent doing homework, especially chemistry homework because it was challenging for me. Only managed to watch about three episodes of Blend M.""Haha, you sure suck at chemistry. Maybe that could explain why you fail so terribly at having chemistry with anyone.""...""Sorry... Erm, anyway, Blend M is an entertaining series to watch and can honestly be watched without binging, so it's fine if you stretch it over a few weeks in my opinion.""Yeah..."The teacher strolled in despite being fashionably late and began class.I was saved. Why do I say that? I had no idea how to continue the conversation from there. Even though Randy is kind to me and always tries to talk to me, I am horrible at keeping a conversation going. Thus, every interaction is as awkward as the one we just had. Fortunately, even though Randy is a friendly guy who does not mind talking to me, he has plenty of other friends to talk to. As a result, when he is busy with his other friends, I can continue to idle my time away by myself studying or watching anime.As Hikio Hachio from My Life Is Wrong As I Expected says, "If people are kind to me, they are likely kind to everyone." The same holds true for me. Most of those people who others may see as my friends... are usually just popular guys who are just naturally friendly to most people. While it may be an act of kindness to reach out to people like me, honestly, I would rather they just stop. Conversations are awkward and hard to keep up. At the same time, even though I am not good at handling such interactions, sometimes they end up making me feel a little happy on the inside. As much as I claim to enjoy my solitude, I do not hate interacting with others as much as I say I do either. I only say that because most of the time, after experiencing a little joy from interacting with others, it dissipates and is replaced by loneliness once they move on to talk to their other friends.Realising that you are nothing more than just one of their many friends is rather painful if you ask me. If you are always alone though, you would not have felt the fleeting joy of what it was like to interact and have fun with someone else. Thus, you would be alone but never feel lonely. You cannot miss what you never had after all.Half-hearted interactions with others out of a mere sense of obligation to get along with everyone should be seen as a sin. They do nothing but give people like me false hope of living a normal social school life before stripping it away the next moment. The cycle continually repeats itself until you end up in an endless chase for social interactions to escape your loneliness that arose due to half-hearted interactions with others. It is a genuinely terrifying cycle. Source: Me.Having experienced such things, I now keep social interaction to a bare minimum. To get along with others without becoming tied down to the trap of wanting to be closer "friends". You make it evident that you want to be on good terms, but do not intrude into their personal space enough for them to consider you a friend. A friend being someone who wants to reach out to you and actually get to know you better. In the process, it may include going out together or simply talking to each other often.I'll admit it. While I could try to be an actual "good friend", it is way too much effort. I'm not one for exerting extra effort just to maintain relationships when I'm fine surviving on my own. Too many sacrifices will have to be made on my part to fit my ideal image of a friend.For this same reason, I've learnt not to expect anyone to ever be a "true friend". It would be too much effort to pull it off and even if someone like that did exist, which I deem highly unlikely, I would feel guilty and undeserving of such a good friend.Anyways, by not showing much interest in others, not only do you prevent them from having false hope that you are interested in them as a person and want to be friends, but you also gain the freedom to do whatever you want. At the same time, you will also save yourself the trouble of wasting energy finding people to talk to and things to talk about. Since you can talk to anyone at any time. Not being picky about who you talk to about things you just want to get off your chest is great. It alleviates a whole lot of pent-up frustration and stress.Without having friends following you around everywhere, you will not be peer pressured into doing a bunch of useless things not related to studying for upcoming examinations. To make sure that one can enter the university of their choice and consequently make it easier to get a job in the future, one must first study and do well in their examinations.Of course, wasting time with others is indeed a way to kill time. However, studying is a better way to kill time because it helps your future self have the leeway to kill time however he wants due to a stable income earned through continuous hard work from his past self to present self. Most importantly, you will be content with yourself.In the end, we will all die eventually. Whatever we do now or in the future will all lead to the same conclusion. Death. Kind of reminds you of organic chemistry no? Different reagents, under different conditions, can undergo all sorts of different reactions to reach the same product. Although that is often not the case since many possible products can be formed from the wide variety of reagents available and reactions that can occur between them. If I wanted to continue my argument, I guess the different products would simply imply at which age you die?Perhaps it's too much of a stretch."..."I should really be paying attention to what my chemistry teacher is saying right now...I am not content with my understanding of chemistry.
