Chapter 04: Everlasting Family
Elni’s guitar in Nazuna’s room with the notice “It’s your Christmas present!”. Elni’s lullaby from a different country that Luna would sing sometimes. Various accessories made from beads by Elni, which were left in my mother’s room. The double room without Elni felt disturbingly broad to Machina.
The call history in the cell phone. Numerous mails. Elni left small trails here and there.
Even while everyone felt something amiss with all these things, no one could remember Elni after all.
—I’m sure everyone will forget about me right away.
Indeed. Most likely, Elni intended it to be like that from the beginning.
Everyone had forgotten Elni. The only possibility was the memory manipulation from devils. Elni’s request to the Old Man Bram was probably to use that memory manipulation.
So I made numerous calls. To Elni and to the Old Man. But the calls never connected and I aimlessly ran around looking for Elni. I gradually spread my search radius, piling up travel expenses.
Still, no matter how long it took, I would definitely find Elni. Only I was remembering Elni. I hadn’t even forgotten her crying face. What if Elni was crying all by herself again? Who else beside me would look for her?
The resolve in my heart got stronger by the day and ever since the day she left, I stopped going to school. Not taking my end of term exams, I pursued Elni without rest.
Everyone worried about me being like that, but I had no intentions to stop. The others were merely forgetting for now. Once they see Elni’s face, they would surely remember.
But I had to hurry. When everyone’s sense of discomfort disappeared, a life without Elni would become the norm. Urged by the impatience in my heart, I kept looking for Elni in a distant town due to reports from eye-witnesses without returning home once in the past few days. Even so, I still couldn’t find her, so I once returned to my home city and I was advancing down the dim street at night with heavy steps.
…The feelings in my chest weren’t fading. But if felt like there was a hole in my heart, so I couldn’t shake off the sadness. There was a limit to what I could do by myself. I had to ask someone for help. But no one was remembering Elni.
So I had hesitant the whole time… but I no longer had time to falter. With heavy steps, I stopped at my destination— in front of the Gogyou Mansion and tightly clenched my fists.
…They must have been surprised by my sudden visit. And they should be a bit bewildered about my constant absence at school. But neither Hijiri, nor Kaorun questioned me when they saw me.
Hijiri just let me into the house with a gentle smile and “Come in”, and sat down with Kaorun in the broad living room. As they were waiting for me to speak, both of them kept silent peacefully. While I was grateful to these two, I started talking with “Hijiri, I have a favour to ask” with a honest tone and erasing my hesitation, I continued.
“I might be wrong, but the exorcist organisation has a diverse information network, hasn’t it? If so, I want you to let me access these information.”
“Ehm, the organisation certainly has various networks. We need to it investigate devils or conceal information about devils, but what do you want to do with these information?”
“…I want to look for someone. You two might not remember her, but she’s called Elni. She has her silver hair tied in twin tails and her big eyes have a pretty crimson colour. Her appearance really stands out, yet I can’t seem to find her…”
When I talked about Elni, Hijiri and Kaorun only showed a doubtful expression as expected.
“Do you really not remember her? She was a slightly stupid fellow, always made everyone laugh, could get along with anyone and was loved by everyone… but sometimes she forced a smile… and she even cried in her sleep…”
Even when I tried to explain it to them, my voice trembled incredibly.
“…She, never let anyone see her crying face. She was obsessed with not making anyone cry and kept it all to herself, crying by herself… In the end, that idiot… just left all by herself…. I don’t know where she went… and by myself, I can’t do anything…”
The tears I had been holding back so far, overflowed and blurred my vision. My words too were rather unclear due to my sobbing. Not getting to the point either, I, as pathetic as it was, pleading reached out my hand towards Hijiri.
“…Please, Hijiri… Elni’s an important part of my family… Even if everyone forgot… she’s our family… I don’t want her to cry… Therefore…”
From my mouth came only sobbing now. But I had to explain it properly, so I desperately tried to control my voice, whereupon Hijiri and Kaorun quietly stood up.
“I understand. Kaoru-san, investigate the girl called Elni now. She has silver hair tied in twin tails, crimson eyes, wears a yellow hoodie… and is a friend of my father…”
While mentioning information that I hadn’t even talked about yet, Hijiri pressed her hand against her head midway in her sentence, as she felt a headache, and Kaorun must have had a sense of discomfort too. Blurring her eyes a bit, she rushed away as soon as she said “…I will look into it immediately”, leaving the living room with attitude.
Surely neither of them remembered Elni yet. But undoubtedly Elni’s voice resounded in the corner of their hearts, just like it did with me and the other girls. Hijiri only left me the words “I’ll ask my father for help too, so wait a bit” and rushed out of the room with attitude like Kaorun. I could see impatience in her expression.
…Once Elni was back, the girl’s expressions would change into smiles, wouldn’t they?
While such thoughts crossed my mind, I used the opportunity to wipe away the tears from my eyes. And after a few minutes, the door of the living room slowly opened and the one who came in wasn’t Hijiri, but Sougo-san to my surprise. He quietly came over to me.
“…I had Hijiri retire for now.”
Saying so shortly, Sougo-san kept looking at me somewhat faltering and after a long silence, he opened his mouth somewhat calmly while filling his eyes with sadness.
“Nanjou-kun, do you know the story about the stupid girl?”
Instantly, I widened my eyes, whereupon Sougo-san continued with still a peaceful tone.
“You see, the stupid girl is a really kind girl. If she sees someone shouldering a burden too much to handle for him alone, she rushes over to that someone with a smile and makes him smile together with her or sometimes cry together with her. But the girl won’t take over that burden. Doing so is far more difficult and painful than simply lending a hand. And it becomes even more painful afterwards.”
Just like speaking from experience,
“Supported by the stupid girl, that someone will eventually stop suffering from the heavy burden. He’ll become strong enough to even carry other’s burden. But at that time, the girl won’t be next to him anymore. She’ll disappear, just leaving a letter that says ‘Thanks’.”
Sougo-san filled his voice with regret, as if he was talking about his own past, and bit his lips.
“The stupid girl watches that someone walk next to a precious person from afar with a smile and goes to someone else again. She separates herself from her beloved people, even though that’s really painful, and probably repeats that over and over… She must have been really lonely.”
Most likely that “someone” was Sougo-san himself.
“Upon reuniting with the stupid girl, he realized that he was the stupid one. It’s been decades since their last meeting, yet the girl hadn’t change in the slightest. Her growth had stopped. At that time, he finally realized the reason the why the girl left him.”
His voice became filled with more regret. His eyes were rocking with sadness.
“So he avoided meeting the girl. Because he knew that his expression would distort if he were to see her. He didn’t want to show tears to the girl, which she hated. But he properly wanted to show her a smile once more, thank her properly, so he invited her for a meal before her departure and wanted to grant any wishes of her. That’s all I could do.”
Squeezing out the cracked words, Sougo-san directed his blurred eyes at me.
“Nanjou-kun, the stupid girl asked two things of me. First, she wanted me to help a hybrid devil, namely Machina. Second, she wanted me to keep quiet about the memory manipulation.”
“…You knew about all this long ago, didn’t you?”
“Sorry. There was nothing I could do about it. She, who was always smiling, asked me while crying, telling me that she doesn’t want her precious people to cry.”
Letting his expression distort greatly,
“—I always thought tears spilled on farewells are acceptable. With that in mind, I repeated various farewells. But it’s different with Shinobu and the others. I don’t want them to cry even once. And since Shinobu is kind, he’ll notice the truth about my body one day when his memories won’t be erased… and he’ll become like you, Sougo.”
The tears I thought to be dry before, now spilled tears.
“Shinobu might cry out of regret too. Just imagining that makes it unbearable for me. So please, Sougo, keep quiet about it to everyone. I’ll disappear quietly, because they’ll be fine now even without me.”
While sobbing, Sougo-san retold Elni’s words.
“Also… Thank you, Sougo. Even after we reunited, even after you noticed that about my body, you held it in for my sake, didn’t you? Thanks for not crying.”
After a while of quiet sobbing, Sougo-san quickly brought his voice under control and said.
“Nanjou-kun, you’re not like me. You’re quite different from me, who accepted Elni’s departure in the past. After all, you broke free from the memory manipulation with your own strength. Besides, it seems you’re special to Elni, so can I ask you to do what I couldn’t, to stay by her side?”
“…Elni was crying when she asked you, right?”
“Yeah, it was my first time seeing her like that.”
“Then my answer is obvious. I don’t want Elni to cry all by herself. I’ll search as much as I can to find her for sure.”
From hearing the story, I somewhat understood. Sougo-san was sympathizing with Elni. He also must know the reason why Elni left us. But I shouldn’t hear it from him. I had to hear it directly from Elni herself and the feeling in my chest grow even stronger…
* * *
In my slumber a lovingly fragrance tickled my nasal cavities. It was a somewhat sweet, but slightly cold fragrance of cigarettes. Maybe dad was smoking nearby? When I opened my eyelids still more than half-asleep, my vision didn’t fall on the familiar ceiling of my room, but on the crystal clear blue sky.
…Ah, right. I missed the last train yesterday and kept looking for Elni in a distant city until morning since I was already here… then I nodded off on a bench in a park. With my eyelids half opened, I pondered absentminded while still looking up to the blue sky. Just where was Elni?
It seems Sougo-san and the girls were doing their best, but the exorcist information network had trouble catching a trace of Elni. So my impatience and worry grew. Moreover, I was concerned about Luna and the other girls.
They all still didn’t remember Elni. But trusting their own sense of discomfort, they each had started looking for Elni, but… what was this cigarette smell here?
I completely woke up during my pondering. Now I opened my eyelids completely and straightened up my body on the park bench, whereupon I noticed that my body had been covered with a black coat.
Such a kind person. I wanted to thank the owner of the coat, if he was nearby. Therefore I let my gaze wander around, whereupon I saw the back of a man right next to me.
Instantly the little bit of sleepiness within me was blown away. That long red hair undoubtedly belonged to the Old Man Bram. When I widened my eyes, the Old Man apparently felt my look and turned around with a quiet “So you’re up”.
With a cigarette in his mouth, the Old Man started talking with a stiff tone after a short hesitation.
“…Seems you’re looking for Elni.”
“Well, yeah… but how do you know?”
“One reason is that you tried to call me numerous times on my cell phone. Luna or Machina are one thing, but it was the first time for you to call me. So I could guess it more or less.”
Showing an awkward expression, the Old Man blew out some smoke and continued with “Moreover,”.
“The memory manipulation this time was rather far-reaching. Elni knows too much people. It was my first time using the spell for such a wide range, so I did it without my familiars, since I was worried it might come apart, but apparently the effect is somewhat weak for those close to Elni.”
While saying so, the Old Man faced me.
“And you’re a special exception. I once used the spell on you already to erase your memories of Luna. You might have developed a resistance for it then. Either way, the others aren’t like you. They seem to feel something amiss due to weaker effect, but it’s unlikely they’ll remember Elni.”
Filling his expression with bitterness, the Old Man made a faint sigh.
“…Sorry, Shinobu, for making Luna and you go through a hard time.”
“Well, it certainly is hard, but it’s not something for you to apologize about. Elni wished for all of it, right? I heard most of the circumstances from Sougo-san— I mean, from an exorcist acquaintance. I’m not gonna lecture you, but Elni.”
“Lecture, huh. Going by that… it seems you have no intention to give up on her after all.”
“…Yeah. I can’t get her crying face out of my head. According to Machina, Elni often cried in her sleep. It might be that she’s crying all by herself right now too. I can’t leave her alone like that.”
“I agree with you on a rare occasion.”
While puffing smoke, the Old Man got a slightly heavier tone.
“However, you find Elni and then what? Elni left you out of her own choice. So even if you find her, it won’t automatically mean she’ll come back to you. Even so, will you look for her?”
“I won’t falter. I’ll definitely find her, ask for the reason why she left us and think of a way to make her stay with us.”
“…Do you think you’ll find a way?”
I replied to the calm question with a smile.
“I think, even if I look for it, I won’t find it that easily. So I’ll search for the answer with my own feet and hammer out a plan by opening a patch with my own hands. Well, that’s the teaching of my mother, though.”
“I see. I get your resolve. You have a fine mother.”
Grinding his cigarette into the portable ashtray he took out, the Old Man squinted faintly.
“I’ll drop by your house soon. Since you’re taking care of Luna and Machina, I want to thank your mother before going back to the demon realm.”
“Then play a game with Nazuna again. Also, thanks for this, Old Man. You put the coat onto me, right?”
“Mhm, it’s for my girls’ sake. I don’t care if you freeze to death, but it would sadden my daughters.”
“Still, you helped me. Thanks.”
“…It’s no fun talking with you when you’re so serious.”
After taking the coat from me, the Old Man suddenly raised his head and shifted his gaze to the blue sky.
“Hey Shinobu, I’m indebted to Elni and you from the incident with Machina. But only listening to Elni’s request is a bit unfair, isn’t it? I wouldn’t mind granting your wish too.”
“…My wish?”
“You want to know Elni’s whereabouts, right?”
Showing a rare smile, the Old Man continued softly while turning his back to me.
“You see, I can’t really leave her alone too, so I had my familiar tail her. Though it seems Elni noticed it and made a run for it not long ago. But she shouldn’t have gone far from there yet. I leave the rest to you. The place is—”
Maybe the Old Man came to me with the intention to tell me about Elni right from the beginning. He described the place Elni was last seen to me in detail and quickly left afterwards, but I thank the Old Man numerous times and took out my cell phone.
The place Elni was last seen at. If I gathered information centred around that place, it might be able to pinpoint Elni’s whereabouts. My chest slightly rejoiced with hope and I quickly called Hijiri with the cell phone in my hand to get information from the exorcist network…
* * *
A clear illumination, passing couples, an unfamiliar townscape at evening and the filled shopping district, as today was Christmas Eve, were in the corner of my vision. The place was filled with the warmth of people, but I kept walking all alone amidst it. Like always, I kept searching exerted.
…I finally grasped it. With the help of the Old Man and the information network of the exorcists on top, I grasped Elni’s whereabouts. If the information wasn’t false, Elni should be somewhere in this city. Thinking that made me increase my pace naturally.
Today was Christmas Eve. Actually we were supposed to hold a party with everyone tonight. Was Elni reminiscing about everyone, imagining the party without her and crying all by herself? If so, I wanted her to wait just a bit, just a little bit longer. I would find her soon enough. I wouldn’t let her cry all by herself. I would even think of a way that lets her stay with us.
In high spirits, I just kept looking and looking for my precious family member on the streets filled with lots of unfamiliar faces… and I finally saw it again. I finally found her, finally met her.
Silver twin tails. Crimson eyes like rubies. An oversized yellow hoodie.
—Yeah, it was Elni.
It felt like I hadn’t seen her for years. My chest became hot and I was close to tears. I inadvertently was rushing over to Elni, but midway my legs stopped.
…She was smiling.
I had thought for sure that she was crying because she couldn’t see us. But the Elni in my vision was surrounded by a couple of girls. Even in this city she was surrounded by smiles. She really was liked by everyone…
Haha, she looked happy. Even without us, she was smiling.
I made a dry smile and a draught blew through my heart. Clenching my fists tightly, I hesitated to take another step forward, whereupon
“Ah…”
Her crimson eyes looked into mine. These eyes widened instantly and Elni flourished her expression upon noticing me, clearing forming a faint smile.
That smile was obviously different from the one directed at the girls around her. It was an expression overflowing with affection. Elni raised her hand highly from an incredible happiness and was going to open her small mouth, but then she stopped all movements, as she came back to her senses… Her expression distorted horrible.
The blossomed smile disappeared at once and big tears soaked her cheeks.
…Elni cried in front of everyone. The girls looked alternating at Elni and me, and even when they called out to her worried with “Elni-chan?”, Elni didn’t force a smile like usually, but just cried sobbingly. No matter how distressed the girls around her looked, Elni wouldn’t smile at all. She just turned on her heel and ran away in an escape.
There was no longer hesitation in me. I immediately tried to chase after her, but the girls, who had been with her, came at me all at once.
“Please wait. We want to ask you something.” “You’re Shinobu-san, right? We saw it in a picture from Elni-chan.” “You’re Elni’s family, right?”
Each raising a voice, the girls grabbed the sleeves of my clothes. They must be Elni’s new friends. All of them had a serious expression and I stopped to answer their questions.
“Yeah, I’m Shinobu and Elni’s my family, but… did you hear that from her?”
“Yes. She sometimes brags about it, that she has a wonderful family. Then she happily shows us her album and smiles cheerful, but…”
“Midway she always ends up crying. When we first met, she was crying too. ‘I parted with my family. But I want to see Shinobu’s smile. I want to eat Luna’s meals. I want to play with Machina and Nazuna. I want to thank Mom, who gave me a kimono, even more’…”
“Saying so, she sometimes cries even now. Because she always speaks about the same things, we ended up memorizing it. She also said ‘I want to see Hijiri, Kaorun and Miichan too. But I won’t see them again. I don’t want to be a Goddess anymore’… Even after we became friends, all kind of things reminded her of her family or friends, so she ended up crying every time.”
“So she… was crying… this much.”
Even though she was usually smiling, after separating from us, she still thought of us…
Hearing the girls’ words, I clenched my fists again, whereas
“…Please go pick up Elni-san. We’ll be sad about parting with her, but it’s better that she stays with her beloved ones. I’m sure she’ll be in the park. When we first met and even now, she often cries there.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks for telling me. I’m glad Elni had friends like you.”
But from now on, I wanted her to be at our side again. After I thanked them once more for telling me the location of the park, I started running by kicking off the ground with attitude.
At some point the evening sky had completely gone down. The night sky started to sparkle with stars. Underneath it, I reached the park out of breath. The park was clad in silence and on a bench in a corner, there was the small appearance of Elni. Traces of tears were left on her cheeks and I quietly stood before her.
“…Good evening. What are you doing here? Are you lost?”
“No, I came looking for something. I had been looking for it the whole time. And not just me, everyone was searching.”
Desperately keeping my voice in check,
“You see, lately Nazuna won’t let go off the guitar, saying she might remember something. Luna often cooks one portion too much and sometimes goes to the nursery school, even though there’s no one to pick up anymore. Machina’s crying about her room being too broad and even my mother suddenly started crying during a meal.”
Slowly talking about everyone,
“Even the diligent Hijiri is skipping school together with me. And Kaorun is tagging along with Hijiri, searching seriously without complaining or joking around on a rare occasion. Likewise, Miichan is really sad that she can’t remember while helping Nazuna. She often cries together with Nazuna.”
Hearing my words, Elni rocked her big eyes.
“Elni, it’s all because you’re gone.”
Softly declaring so, I held out my hand to her.
“Everyone’s waiting for you. I’m sure they’ll remember everything once they see your face. So let’s go home together, Elni.”
“You… were looking… for me the whole time? You remembered me the whole time? Just… why…”
“You need to ask? Because you’re my family. I don’t want you to cry all by yourself. So don’t go anywhere on your own anymore and stay with us forever.”
I straight held out my hand for Elni even more. But Elni didn’t move while looking at my hand, just spilling tears from her eyes.
“Sorry. I’m sorry, Shinobu. You finally remembered me and did your best to find me, but I really can’t become your family. It mustn’t be.”
“Could you tell me why? Sougo-san and the Old Man Bram might know, but I want to hear it directly from you.”
“….It’s a long story.” with such a calm foreword after a long hesitation, Elni started to tell me peacefully. About the distant past. About a single little girl…
* * *
The little girl from the village was different from others by birth.
Silver hair and crimson eyes. The mysterious power of being able to talk with animals. An albino girl.
She had a bright personality that made her get along with anyone, had many friends and was the spitting image of her beautiful smiling mother. At some point, the villagers called that albino girl the child of God and repeatedly asked her for various wishes.
The girl loved the villagers. So she desperately tried to grant their wishes. But she realized how powerless she was. So she offered her prayers to God. She wished for power. And the villagers prayed as well, that the little girl may be the child of God.
The girl’s wish. The villagers’ faith. These two sentiments overlapped… and a miracle occurred. God answered to the girl and villagers.
From that day on, the girl gained various powers and stopped being human. She became a Goddess capable of granting the villagers’ wishes. Of course the villagers rejoiced and worshipped the girl even more, giving her pretty clothes and a fancy place to live in.
In response to that, the girl healed the villagers’ wounds or illnesses, prayed for a good harvest and as the village gradually grew larger, so did the number of children and everyone was smiling.
Amidst that, only the mother of the girl cried with “Why?”. The most important person to the girl, her beloved mother… Only she was crying all the time. Because the girl wanted to see her mother smile, because she wanted to grant her wish, she often asked her mother for her wish. But the mother would never give her an answer.
“It’s something I mustn’t wish for.”
Always replying that, the mother never spoke out her wish. Also, the girl was worshipped as a Goddess, so she lived separated from her mother and there even opened up a distance to the villagers. Unable to play with her friends anymore, she was forced to only play the Goddess… She became all alone.
But as long as she could see everyone’s smiles, the girl was happy with just that. With only that she should be able to endure it. However, as the years went by, the girl gradually became unable to bear it. What started it?
Probably the fact that she couldn’t see the smile of her most precious person without being able to grant her wish.
The years only went by harshly and one day the lifespan of the girl’s mother came to an end. The mother had eagerly clung to her life. She had kept wishing with all her might that the faith would stop, while she shed tears. But the girl stayed a Goddess all the time and on the mother’s deathbed, she cried out.
“Please tell me your wish! I haven’t granted a single wish for you, Mom! I don’t want that! I’ll grant anything for you! Just say it!”
The girl raised a desperate voice. After receiving the grace from God, her own daughter had not aged a single day. Seeing her like that made the mother finally cry in front of the girl.
“I… didn’t need… a Goddess…”
She sobbed and shed endless tears.
“You know, I loved you so much, even when you weren’t a Goddess, even when you couldn’t do anything. I wanted to live together with you. I wanted to eat together, take baths together and play together…”
With only regrets left,
“I’m sorry, that I couldn’t keep the promise, ***-chan.”
Calling the girl by her real name at the very end, the mother passed away while crying. And it wasn’t just the mother. All of the girl’s past friends said so on their deathbed while crying.
“Forgive us, ***-chan, for forcing the role of the Goddess on only you and leaving you alone all this time. We’re sorry for only us, your friends, becoming happy… So sorry.”
When the girl was called by her real name, all her friends passed away with an apology.
But the girl didn’t want crying faces. She only wanted to see smiles, yet all her friends showed her tears at the very end.
Moreover, the tragedy didn’t end there. Time slowly passed, her faith weakened and at the same time, the girl lost her divine powers. All that was left to her was… an non-aging body.
…Before she noticed it, no one in the village needed the girl anymore.
Therefore the girl escaped from the room she was shut in and went on a trip full of anticipation.
Would she find a warm place?
She believed that there ought to be a place for her somewhere. And in fact, she found one right away. Amongst all the people she got close to, there were kind people, who considered the girl as their family.
However, the daily life slowly crumbled with time. She would lose her place every time without fail. All those she came to love, would definitely die before her. Every time, she could only sit at their deathbeds. And she always saw a crying face at the very end.
“Sorry, Elni. I can’t play the guitar anymore. Sorry for leaving you alone.” “Sorry, Elni. I wish I could have cooked and stayed with you more… I’m really sorry for leaving you alone…” “Sorry. I can’t cry with you anymore. I’m sorry for… making you cry all by yourself, Elni.”
Regretting to leave the girl by herself and thinking of the loneliness of the girl whose growth had stopped, the kind people distorted their expressions and shed tears on top of it.
So the expressions of her beloved people in her memory were always just crying faces. The expressions of her beloved people in her dreams were always soaked with tears. And after seeing off her beloved people to the other world one after another, the girl finally decided.
She would no longer live together with anyone. She would become no one’s family.
She wanted to see smiles, yet she made them cry at the very end. Instead of making her precious people cry, she should just stay alone. She should just cry by herself. It was better that way.
Even if she became family with someone, her lifespan was different from others. At some point, she would be alone. Before that happened, she should leave on her own accord. For the sake of not making her precious people cry, and for her own sake…
* * *
“…The girl, I have lived like that. During all that, my life with you guys was the best. It made me think for the first time that I’m fine without my beloved mother and don’t need to return to my mother’s house. So I was happy as never before, and scared as never before.”
Painfully clenching her small fists,
“I was scared to no end. My lifespan surely is even longer than a devil’s. Everyone’ll surely die before me. I love everyone so much, yet I can’t live together with them. I can’t die together with them. I can only sit at their deathbeds. You’re kind, Shinobu, so you cry like all the others from seeing me like this. But I’m sick of it.”
Blurring her crimson eyes greatly,
“With my growth stopped, I won’t age. I once crept out everyone by staying in the same place for too long. Getting hated is still better than that.”
Trembling her slender shoulders,
“I don’t want to see any more crying faces. I don’t want to sadden anyone at the very end. I have enough of breaking warm places. I don’t want to… see your crying face in my dreams! Anything but that! I love all of you, so I don’t want to sadden you!”
Raising a crying scream, Elni kept shouting while sobbing.
“Therefore! Therefore! I won’t come back! I won’t go back anywhere! If it only breaks in the end, I don’t want to become anyone’s family anymore! I can’t live together with someone! I’m fine being a stupid… lonely Goddess!”
“…Even if you‘re fine with it, I’m not…”
Stimulated by my emotions in my chest, I gently pulled Elni into an embrace.
“There’s no point in crying by yourself. Just like you don’t want us to cry, I don’t want you to cry either. So I wrecked my brain and came up with a nice idea, Elni.”
Calling upon her heart this time,
“Sure, I might die before you. However, I thought of a way, where neither you or I are crying.”
Holding onto her this time, I looked at Elni and filled my tone with emotion.
“When in the future, after whatsoever years, I get a child, will you become the godparent?”
“Me… the godparent?”
“Yeah, you. I want you to take that role. And you see, I want you to support my child, make it smile and stay by it’s side.”
I was sure that my child would love and admire Elni without doubt.
“And then, when my child grows up, gets married and gets a child of it’s own, I want you to be the godparent for that child this time. Watch over usforever.”
“But you’ll…”
“Yeah. I’ll die one day. But I’ll smile. Because I can rest in peace. After all, you’ll be with my child and won’t cry all by yourself.”
Therefore I could really be at ease.
“But well, if you’re scared, you don’t have to see me die. You can just leave me and live with my child somewhere. And before my child dies, you just go somewhere else with my grandchild. If you repeat that, then…”
Increasing the squeeze on her,
“We will always be with you. If you feel like crying, we can embrace you like this. We can always be together. You won’t ever need to cry.”
I spoke out my wish straightforward.
“Become my family in that way.”
“I’m… an idiot, you know? And even a glutton. I watch TV non-stop and play video games all day. Not to forget, I selfishly… eat all the snacks…”
“Yeah, and then you show us a smile.”
“…That’s not all… I often take naps… and I might never work.”
“Even so, you’ll always smile at us. That’s how we like you. Even I like you very much. I want to stay with you forever.”
“Even… if I cause… nothing but… troubles to you, Shinobu… you’re fine with me?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m happy to have you as my family. Just promise me one thing.”
Still embracing Elni, I peacefully and gently declared.
“Never cry by yourself from now on. If you have a hard time, you can rely on us anytime.”
“I… don’t have to hold back anymore? You won’t come to hate me, even when I cry?”
“Don’t worry. It’s okay. Whenever you cry now, we will by your side. So you don’t have to worry anymore.”
When I petted her head along with kind words, Elni clung tightly to me, as she had endured it for so long with her small body, and cried with a loud weeping. Like a child fawning on it’s mother, she spilled all the tears she had been holding back so far without hesitation…
Holding her firmly like that, I thought while my vision started to get blurry from my own tears. That the others would surely remember about Elni once we got home and they saw her face. And then it would be the Christmas party. Together with everyone, without anyone missing, we would celebrate the present day. Because today was the commemoration day that the small Goddess in my arms became a part of our family.
…The quiet residential area. It was already past midnight.
Afterwards, I tried to go home with Elni, but midway we missed the last train, so we had no choice but to use a taxi. Driving down the painfully long highway, I gradually became paler from the fares, then we finally got back to our neighbourhood. However, even though we were still a bit afar from our house, Elni called out to the taxi driver with “We’ll get off here” for some reason… Well, that alone wasn’t a big deal.
The problem came afterwards. Around the corner we would be able to see our house, yet Elni wasn’t moving an inch for a while now. She must be worried after all. After a while, I grabbed her hand to reassure her, whereupon Elni squeezed back on my hand and said quietly.
“…I just can’t find the words. Unlike you, the others have forgotten about me. What should I tell them—”
“Elni, it’s your house too, so you don’t need to have any weird reservations. You just have to say ‘I’m home’. I’m sure everyone’ll remember right away.”
At the same time I cut into her words, I slightly increased the squeeze on her hand, whereupon Elni obediently moved on and turned at the corner, where our house finally came into vision.
But for some reason, there was a huge bat on top of our fence.
That bat had something in it’s mouth and as soon as it noticed us, it spread it’s wing and flew over to Elni. It offered the something in her mouth… a piece of paper to her, then spread it’s wings again and flew off somewhere.
“…Might have been Bram’s familiar.”
Saying so while watching off the bat, Elni unfolded the memo in her hands.
A bit curious, I peeked at her hands, where there was written the obscure message of “A Christmas present from me”.
As she didn’t understand the meaning behind the message either, Elni put the paper into her pocket while tilting her head, and then headed to our house a bit hesitant together with me.
There our visions fell onto my mother, who stood leaning against the front door despite the late time. Maybe she had been there the whole time. My mother was wearing a coat and when she noticed us, she came straight at us and faced Elni.
“…This is the girl you have been searching for, Shinobu?”
This girl. The treatment of a real stranger. While Elni rocked her eyes a bit, my mother stared at her and started to talk peacefully.
“You seem to be a foreigner. Do you have a place to stay at?”
“…I… once more… here, but… I guess… left once… so I no longer…”
“—Then stay with us.”
Elni faintly damped her eyes.
“Be my daughter from today on.”
My mother gently held out her hand.
“If you want, I can become your second mother— Elni.”
It was the same sentence like before, but calling her name dearly, my mother pulled Elni into an embrace.
Instantly, Elni trembled her voice gravely.
“…Why… are you remembering me… All of you were supposed to have forgotten…”
“Sorry, Elni. I had forgotten about you until today. I didn’t even notice until Machina’s father came by today.”
“Bram came by?”
“Yes. I don’t really get it, but he said something about a hypnosis experiment and that he came by to undo it. But to think I fell for it so easily and forgot about you…”
The Old Man Bram came over to our house. He gave a Christmas present. My mother, having regained her memories, was at a loss for words.
“…You waited in front of the house the whole time, didn’t you? Your body is chilled to the bones. What if you catch a cold…”
Elni tightly returned the hug of my mother and timidly spun her words.
“Hey, were you saying the truth just now? Will you really become my mother?”
“…Of course, Elni.”
While my mother desperately tried to keep her cracked voice in check, Elni immediately started to sob.
“…Will you play with me again?”
“Silly girl. Of course I’ll play with you any time.”
“Then… it’s… a promise… You definitely… have to keep it… This time for sure… I won’t make you cry… Will you… smile together with me this time?”
“You really are silly, Elni. We’re family now, so we cry together and laugh together. We’ll always be together. So don’t leave on your own again, okay? That’s what you have to promise me.”
“…Yeah… I promise…”
Nodding firmly, Elni showed a smile. It was overflowing with tears, but I thought of it as an unusual gem. And I immediately could see that pretty smile once more.
After my mother had embraced Elni for a while, she pushed her back to make her stand in front of the front door. When Elni then entered our house with a bit of hesitation,
“—Welcome home!”
Just how long had they been waiting? The moment Elni opened the door, everyone stood in the entrance hall with a smile. Luna, Machina, Nazuna and even Hijiri and Kaorun. All together they put on a strained smile.
“Welcome home, Elni-chan. Let us take a nap together again, okay? Then I will sing a lullaby. The song you presented me.”
“Welcome home, Elni-oneechan. I still can’t play the guitar well yet. Teach me again next time, okay? And let’s play together again.”
First Luna and Nazuna hurried over to Elni.
“Welcome back, Elni. Actually, I have a Christmas present for you. Luna-san taught me how to knit. This muffler is for you. As thanks for showing me that starry sky.”
“Welcome home, Elni-san. There is a cake served in the living room. I baked it. I will bake another one next time, so please eat it again.”
Hijiri and Kaorun followed after Luna and Nazuna.
“Welcome back, Elni. Teach me… how to cook again. Stay with me again. My room is… too broad… without you…”
While everyone called out to Elni, Machina was the first to cry.
“You stayed with us for so long, yet you disappear on your own and even asked that weird request of my father. Even though I like, even though I love you so much… why did you just disappear… This time… properly become… my older sister… Elni…”
With Machina’s tears as the trigger, everyone’s smiling faces slowly crumbled and the next one to cry was surprisingly Kaorun and then Nazuna.
“That’s no good. Didn’t we decided that we wouldn’t cry when Elni comes back?”
“Hijiri-san is right. We have to welcome her with a smile…”
Even while chiding Machina and the other two, Hijiri and Luna started spilling tears from their eyes too… No one could stop it anymore. Everyone hugged onto Elni and repeated “Welcome home” numerous times.
Amidst that, the embraced Elni said.
“…I never thought it would come back again… yet it did…”
The warm place like a sunny spot. The one thing she gained at the very beginning, then lost in exchange for becoming a Goddess and kept looking for it numerous times, but gave up at some point, yet always desired it.
Elni cried loudly. She returned everyone’s hug tightly, as to confirm their existence, their warmth and to never separate from them again.
Surely her long travel ended in this moment.
The girl, who had always been alone, finally found a house to return to. She gained a place where she belonged to.
That was something she always desired. The normal everyday life she yearned for. Even if she herself wasn’t normal, even if she was to part with her beloved people one day, if she kept being surrounded by her beloved people all the time, then…
Ahh… I could no longer hear the sound of rain. It must have stopped. The rain of tears that had fallen in her heart without end… it finally stopped.
While she was embraced by everyone, her tears ceased with time and Elni narrowed her crimson eyes, smiling.
She kept smiling dearly and happily, brighter than any smile.
The rain in her heart was gone. The expression on her face after the rainfall, was a pretty smile like a rainbow in the blue sky. Elni was no longer a Goddess. She was a simple girl, a little bit stupid glutton and our beloved—- family member.
So no matter what kind of fierce rain would fall in the future, Elni surely would never cry all by herself again…
Chapter 04: Everlasting Family
Elni’s guitar in Nazuna’s room with the notice “It’s your Christmas present!”. Elni’s lullaby from a different country that Luna would sing sometimes. Various accessories made from beads by Elni, which were left in my mother’s room. The double room without Elni felt disturbingly broad to Machina.
The call history in the cell phone. Numerous mails. Elni left small trails here and there.
Even while everyone felt something amiss with all these things, no one could remember Elni after all.
—I’m sure everyone will forget about me right away.
Indeed. Most likely, Elni intended it to be like that from the beginning.
Everyone had forgotten Elni. The only possibility was the memory manipulation from devils. Elni’s request to the Old Man Bram was probably to use that memory manipulation.
So I made numerous calls. To Elni and to the Old Man. But the calls never connected and I aimlessly ran around looking for Elni. I gradually spread my search radius, piling up travel expenses.
Still, no matter how long it took, I would definitely find Elni. Only I was remembering Elni. I hadn’t even forgotten her crying face. What if Elni was crying all by herself again? Who else beside me would look for her?
The resolve in my heart got stronger by the day and ever since the day she left, I stopped going to school. Not taking my end of term exams, I pursued Elni without rest.
Everyone worried about me being like that, but I had no intentions to stop. The others were merely forgetting for now. Once they see Elni’s face, they would surely remember.
But I had to hurry. When everyone’s sense of discomfort disappeared, a life without Elni would become the norm. Urged by the impatience in my heart, I kept looking for Elni in a distant town due to reports from eye-witnesses without returning home once in the past few days. Even so, I still couldn’t find her, so I once returned to my home city and I was advancing down the dim street at night with heavy steps.
…The feelings in my chest weren’t fading. But if felt like there was a hole in my heart, so I couldn’t shake off the sadness. There was a limit to what I could do by myself. I had to ask someone for help. But no one was remembering Elni.
So I had hesitant the whole time… but I no longer had time to falter. With heavy steps, I stopped at my destination— in front of the Gogyou Mansion and tightly clenched my fists.
…They must have been surprised by my sudden visit. And they should be a bit bewildered about my constant absence at school. But neither Hijiri, nor Kaorun questioned me when they saw me.
Hijiri just let me into the house with a gentle smile and “Come in”, and sat down with Kaorun in the broad living room. As they were waiting for me to speak, both of them kept silent peacefully. While I was grateful to these two, I started talking with “Hijiri, I have a favour to ask” with a honest tone and erasing my hesitation, I continued.
“I might be wrong, but the exorcist organisation has a diverse information network, hasn’t it? If so, I want you to let me access these information.”
“Ehm, the organisation certainly has various networks. We need to it investigate devils or conceal information about devils, but what do you want to do with these information?”
“…I want to look for someone. You two might not remember her, but she’s called Elni. She has her silver hair tied in twin tails and her big eyes have a pretty crimson colour. Her appearance really stands out, yet I can’t seem to find her…”
When I talked about Elni, Hijiri and Kaorun only showed a doubtful expression as expected.
“Do you really not remember her? She was a slightly stupid fellow, always made everyone laugh, could get along with anyone and was loved by everyone… but sometimes she forced a smile… and she even cried in her sleep…”
Even when I tried to explain it to them, my voice trembled incredibly.
“…She, never let anyone see her crying face. She was obsessed with not making anyone cry and kept it all to herself, crying by herself… In the end, that idiot… just left all by herself…. I don’t know where she went… and by myself, I can’t do anything…”
The tears I had been holding back so far, overflowed and blurred my vision. My words too were rather unclear due to my sobbing. Not getting to the point either, I, as pathetic as it was, pleading reached out my hand towards Hijiri.
“…Please, Hijiri… Elni’s an important part of my family… Even if everyone forgot… she’s our family… I don’t want her to cry… Therefore…”
From my mouth came only sobbing now. But I had to explain it properly, so I desperately tried to control my voice, whereupon Hijiri and Kaorun quietly stood up.
“I understand. Kaoru-san, investigate the girl called Elni now. She has silver hair tied in twin tails, crimson eyes, wears a yellow hoodie… and is a friend of my father…”
While mentioning information that I hadn’t even talked about yet, Hijiri pressed her hand against her head midway in her sentence, as she felt a headache, and Kaorun must have had a sense of discomfort too. Blurring her eyes a bit, she rushed away as soon as she said “…I will look into it immediately”, leaving the living room with attitude.
Surely neither of them remembered Elni yet. But undoubtedly Elni’s voice resounded in the corner of their hearts, just like it did with me and the other girls. Hijiri only left me the words “I’ll ask my father for help too, so wait a bit” and rushed out of the room with attitude like Kaorun. I could see impatience in her expression.
…Once Elni was back, the girl’s expressions would change into smiles, wouldn’t they?
While such thoughts crossed my mind, I used the opportunity to wipe away the tears from my eyes. And after a few minutes, the door of the living room slowly opened and the one who came in wasn’t Hijiri, but Sougo-san to my surprise. He quietly came over to me.
“…I had Hijiri retire for now.”
Saying so shortly, Sougo-san kept looking at me somewhat faltering and after a long silence, he opened his mouth somewhat calmly while filling his eyes with sadness.
“Nanjou-kun, do you know the story about the stupid girl?”
Instantly, I widened my eyes, whereupon Sougo-san continued with still a peaceful tone.
“You see, the stupid girl is a really kind girl. If she sees someone shouldering a burden too much to handle for him alone, she rushes over to that someone with a smile and makes him smile together with her or sometimes cry together with her. But the girl won’t take over that burden. Doing so is far more difficult and painful than simply lending a hand. And it becomes even more painful afterwards.”
Just like speaking from experience,
“Supported by the stupid girl, that someone will eventually stop suffering from the heavy burden. He’ll become strong enough to even carry other’s burden. But at that time, the girl won’t be next to him anymore. She’ll disappear, just leaving a letter that says ‘Thanks’.”
Sougo-san filled his voice with regret, as if he was talking about his own past, and bit his lips.
“The stupid girl watches that someone walk next to a precious person from afar with a smile and goes to someone else again. She separates herself from her beloved people, even though that’s really painful, and probably repeats that over and over… She must have been really lonely.”
Most likely that “someone” was Sougo-san himself.
“Upon reuniting with the stupid girl, he realized that he was the stupid one. It’s been decades since their last meeting, yet the girl hadn’t change in the slightest. Her growth had stopped. At that time, he finally realized the reason the why the girl left him.”
His voice became filled with more regret. His eyes were rocking with sadness.
“So he avoided meeting the girl. Because he knew that his expression would distort if he were to see her. He didn’t want to show tears to the girl, which she hated. But he properly wanted to show her a smile once more, thank her properly, so he invited her for a meal before her departure and wanted to grant any wishes of her. That’s all I could do.”
Squeezing out the cracked words, Sougo-san directed his blurred eyes at me.
“Nanjou-kun, the stupid girl asked two things of me. First, she wanted me to help a hybrid devil, namely Machina. Second, she wanted me to keep quiet about the memory manipulation.”
“…You knew about all this long ago, didn’t you?”
“Sorry. There was nothing I could do about it. She, who was always smiling, asked me while crying, telling me that she doesn’t want her precious people to cry.”
Letting his expression distort greatly,
“—I always thought tears spilled on farewells are acceptable. With that in mind, I repeated various farewells. But it’s different with Shinobu and the others. I don’t want them to cry even once. And since Shinobu is kind, he’ll notice the truth about my body one day when his memories won’t be erased… and he’ll become like you, Sougo.”
The tears I thought to be dry before, now spilled tears.
“Shinobu might cry out of regret too. Just imagining that makes it unbearable for me. So please, Sougo, keep quiet about it to everyone. I’ll disappear quietly, because they’ll be fine now even without me.”
While sobbing, Sougo-san retold Elni’s words.
“Also… Thank you, Sougo. Even after we reunited, even after you noticed that about my body, you held it in for my sake, didn’t you? Thanks for not crying.”
After a while of quiet sobbing, Sougo-san quickly brought his voice under control and said.
“Nanjou-kun, you’re not like me. You’re quite different from me, who accepted Elni’s departure in the past. After all, you broke free from the memory manipulation with your own strength. Besides, it seems you’re special to Elni, so can I ask you to do what I couldn’t, to stay by her side?”
“…Elni was crying when she asked you, right?”
“Yeah, it was my first time seeing her like that.”
“Then my answer is obvious. I don’t want Elni to cry all by herself. I’ll search as much as I can to find her for sure.”
From hearing the story, I somewhat understood. Sougo-san was sympathizing with Elni. He also must know the reason why Elni left us. But I shouldn’t hear it from him. I had to hear it directly from Elni herself and the feeling in my chest grow even stronger…
* * *
In my slumber a lovingly fragrance tickled my nasal cavities. It was a somewhat sweet, but slightly cold fragrance of cigarettes. Maybe dad was smoking nearby? When I opened my eyelids still more than half-asleep, my vision didn’t fall on the familiar ceiling of my room, but on the crystal clear blue sky.
…Ah, right. I missed the last train yesterday and kept looking for Elni in a distant city until morning since I was already here… then I nodded off on a bench in a park. With my eyelids half opened, I pondered absentminded while still looking up to the blue sky. Just where was Elni?
It seems Sougo-san and the girls were doing their best, but the exorcist information network had trouble catching a trace of Elni. So my impatience and worry grew. Moreover, I was concerned about Luna and the other girls.
They all still didn’t remember Elni. But trusting their own sense of discomfort, they each had started looking for Elni, but… what was this cigarette smell here?
I completely woke up during my pondering. Now I opened my eyelids completely and straightened up my body on the park bench, whereupon I noticed that my body had been covered with a black coat.
Such a kind person. I wanted to thank the owner of the coat, if he was nearby. Therefore I let my gaze wander around, whereupon I saw the back of a man right next to me.
Instantly the little bit of sleepiness within me was blown away. That long red hair undoubtedly belonged to the Old Man Bram. When I widened my eyes, the Old Man apparently felt my look and turned around with a quiet “So you’re up”.
With a cigarette in his mouth, the Old Man started talking with a stiff tone after a short hesitation.
“…Seems you’re looking for Elni.”
“Well, yeah… but how do you know?”
“One reason is that you tried to call me numerous times on my cell phone. Luna or Machina are one thing, but it was the first time for you to call me. So I could guess it more or less.”
Showing an awkward expression, the Old Man blew out some smoke and continued with “Moreover,”.
“The memory manipulation this time was rather far-reaching. Elni knows too much people. It was my first time using the spell for such a wide range, so I did it without my familiars, since I was worried it might come apart, but apparently the effect is somewhat weak for those close to Elni.”
While saying so, the Old Man faced me.
“And you’re a special exception. I once used the spell on you already to erase your memories of Luna. You might have developed a resistance for it then. Either way, the others aren’t like you. They seem to feel something amiss due to weaker effect, but it’s unlikely they’ll remember Elni.”
Filling his expression with bitterness, the Old Man made a faint sigh.
“…Sorry, Shinobu, for making Luna and you go through a hard time.”
“Well, it certainly is hard, but it’s not something for you to apologize about. Elni wished for all of it, right? I heard most of the circumstances from Sougo-san— I mean, from an exorcist acquaintance. I’m not gonna lecture you, but Elni.”
“Lecture, huh. Going by that… it seems you have no intention to give up on her after all.”
“…Yeah. I can’t get her crying face out of my head. According to Machina, Elni often cried in her sleep. It might be that she’s crying all by herself right now too. I can’t leave her alone like that.”
“I agree with you on a rare occasion.”
While puffing smoke, the Old Man got a slightly heavier tone.
“However, you find Elni and then what? Elni left you out of her own choice. So even if you find her, it won’t automatically mean she’ll come back to you. Even so, will you look for her?”
“I won’t falter. I’ll definitely find her, ask for the reason why she left us and think of a way to make her stay with us.”
“…Do you think you’ll find a way?”
I replied to the calm question with a smile.
“I think, even if I look for it, I won’t find it that easily. So I’ll search for the answer with my own feet and hammer out a plan by opening a patch with my own hands. Well, that’s the teaching of my mother, though.”
“I see. I get your resolve. You have a fine mother.”
Grinding his cigarette into the portable ashtray he took out, the Old Man squinted faintly.
“I’ll drop by your house soon. Since you’re taking care of Luna and Machina, I want to thank your mother before going back to the demon realm.”
“Then play a game with Nazuna again. Also, thanks for this, Old Man. You put the coat onto me, right?”
“Mhm, it’s for my girls’ sake. I don’t care if you freeze to death, but it would sadden my daughters.”
“Still, you helped me. Thanks.”
“…It’s no fun talking with you when you’re so serious.”
After taking the coat from me, the Old Man suddenly raised his head and shifted his gaze to the blue sky.
“Hey Shinobu, I’m indebted to Elni and you from the incident with Machina. But only listening to Elni’s request is a bit unfair, isn’t it? I wouldn’t mind granting your wish too.”
“…My wish?”
“You want to know Elni’s whereabouts, right?”
Showing a rare smile, the Old Man continued softly while turning his back to me.
“You see, I can’t really leave her alone too, so I had my familiar tail her. Though it seems Elni noticed it and made a run for it not long ago. But she shouldn’t have gone far from there yet. I leave the rest to you. The place is—”
Maybe the Old Man came to me with the intention to tell me about Elni right from the beginning. He described the place Elni was last seen to me in detail and quickly left afterwards, but I thank the Old Man numerous times and took out my cell phone.
The place Elni was last seen at. If I gathered information centred around that place, it might be able to pinpoint Elni’s whereabouts. My chest slightly rejoiced with hope and I quickly called Hijiri with the cell phone in my hand to get information from the exorcist network…
* * *
A clear illumination, passing couples, an unfamiliar townscape at evening and the filled shopping district, as today was Christmas Eve, were in the corner of my vision. The place was filled with the warmth of people, but I kept walking all alone amidst it. Like always, I kept searching exerted.
…I finally grasped it. With the help of the Old Man and the information network of the exorcists on top, I grasped Elni’s whereabouts. If the information wasn’t false, Elni should be somewhere in this city. Thinking that made me increase my pace naturally.
Today was Christmas Eve. Actually we were supposed to hold a party with everyone tonight. Was Elni reminiscing about everyone, imagining the party without her and crying all by herself? If so, I wanted her to wait just a bit, just a little bit longer. I would find her soon enough. I wouldn’t let her cry all by herself. I would even think of a way that lets her stay with us.
In high spirits, I just kept looking and looking for my precious family member on the streets filled with lots of unfamiliar faces… and I finally saw it again. I finally found her, finally met her.
Silver twin tails. Crimson eyes like rubies. An oversized yellow hoodie.
—Yeah, it was Elni.
It felt like I hadn’t seen her for years. My chest became hot and I was close to tears. I inadvertently was rushing over to Elni, but midway my legs stopped.
…She was smiling.
I had thought for sure that she was crying because she couldn’t see us. But the Elni in my vision was surrounded by a couple of girls. Even in this city she was surrounded by smiles. She really was liked by everyone…
Haha, she looked happy. Even without us, she was smiling.
I made a dry smile and a draught blew through my heart. Clenching my fists tightly, I hesitated to take another step forward, whereupon
“Ah…”
Her crimson eyes looked into mine. These eyes widened instantly and Elni flourished her expression upon noticing me, clearing forming a faint smile.
That smile was obviously different from the one directed at the girls around her. It was an expression overflowing with affection. Elni raised her hand highly from an incredible happiness and was going to open her small mouth, but then she stopped all movements, as she came back to her senses… Her expression distorted horrible.
The blossomed smile disappeared at once and big tears soaked her cheeks.
…Elni cried in front of everyone. The girls looked alternating at Elni and me, and even when they called out to her worried with “Elni-chan?”, Elni didn’t force a smile like usually, but just cried sobbingly. No matter how distressed the girls around her looked, Elni wouldn’t smile at all. She just turned on her heel and ran away in an escape.
There was no longer hesitation in me. I immediately tried to chase after her, but the girls, who had been with her, came at me all at once.
“Please wait. We want to ask you something.” “You’re Shinobu-san, right? We saw it in a picture from Elni-chan.” “You’re Elni’s family, right?”
Each raising a voice, the girls grabbed the sleeves of my clothes. They must be Elni’s new friends. All of them had a serious expression and I stopped to answer their questions.
“Yeah, I’m Shinobu and Elni’s my family, but… did you hear that from her?”
“Yes. She sometimes brags about it, that she has a wonderful family. Then she happily shows us her album and smiles cheerful, but…”
“Midway she always ends up crying. When we first met, she was crying too. ‘I parted with my family. But I want to see Shinobu’s smile. I want to eat Luna’s meals. I want to play with Machina and Nazuna. I want to thank Mom, who gave me a kimono, even more’…”
“Saying so, she sometimes cries even now. Because she always speaks about the same things, we ended up memorizing it. She also said ‘I want to see Hijiri, Kaorun and Miichan too. But I won’t see them again. I don’t want to be a Goddess anymore’… Even after we became friends, all kind of things reminded her of her family or friends, so she ended up crying every time.”
“So she… was crying… this much.”
Even though she was usually smiling, after separating from us, she still thought of us…
Hearing the girls’ words, I clenched my fists again, whereas
“…Please go pick up Elni-san. We’ll be sad about parting with her, but it’s better that she stays with her beloved ones. I’m sure she’ll be in the park. When we first met and even now, she often cries there.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks for telling me. I’m glad Elni had friends like you.”
But from now on, I wanted her to be at our side again. After I thanked them once more for telling me the location of the park, I started running by kicking off the ground with attitude.
At some point the evening sky had completely gone down. The night sky started to sparkle with stars. Underneath it, I reached the park out of breath. The park was clad in silence and on a bench in a corner, there was the small appearance of Elni. Traces of tears were left on her cheeks and I quietly stood before her.
“…Good evening. What are you doing here? Are you lost?”
“No, I came looking for something. I had been looking for it the whole time. And not just me, everyone was searching.”
Desperately keeping my voice in check,
“You see, lately Nazuna won’t let go off the guitar, saying she might remember something. Luna often cooks one portion too much and sometimes goes to the nursery school, even though there’s no one to pick up anymore. Machina’s crying about her room being too broad and even my mother suddenly started crying during a meal.”
Slowly talking about everyone,
“Even the diligent Hijiri is skipping school together with me. And Kaorun is tagging along with Hijiri, searching seriously without complaining or joking around on a rare occasion. Likewise, Miichan is really sad that she can’t remember while helping Nazuna. She often cries together with Nazuna.”
Hearing my words, Elni rocked her big eyes.
“Elni, it’s all because you’re gone.”
Softly declaring so, I held out my hand to her.
“Everyone’s waiting for you. I’m sure they’ll remember everything once they see your face. So let’s go home together, Elni.”
“You… were looking… for me the whole time? You remembered me the whole time? Just… why…”
“You need to ask? Because you’re my family. I don’t want you to cry all by yourself. So don’t go anywhere on your own anymore and stay with us forever.”
I straight held out my hand for Elni even more. But Elni didn’t move while looking at my hand, just spilling tears from her eyes.
“Sorry. I’m sorry, Shinobu. You finally remembered me and did your best to find me, but I really can’t become your family. It mustn’t be.”
“Could you tell me why? Sougo-san and the Old Man Bram might know, but I want to hear it directly from you.”
“….It’s a long story.” with such a calm foreword after a long hesitation, Elni started to tell me peacefully. About the distant past. About a single little girl…
* * *
The little girl from the village was different from others by birth.
Silver hair and crimson eyes. The mysterious power of being able to talk with animals. An albino girl.
She had a bright personality that made her get along with anyone, had many friends and was the spitting image of her beautiful smiling mother. At some point, the villagers called that albino girl the child of God and repeatedly asked her for various wishes.
The girl loved the villagers. So she desperately tried to grant their wishes. But she realized how powerless she was. So she offered her prayers to God. She wished for power. And the villagers prayed as well, that the little girl may be the child of God.
The girl’s wish. The villagers’ faith. These two sentiments overlapped… and a miracle occurred. God answered to the girl and villagers.
From that day on, the girl gained various powers and stopped being human. She became a Goddess capable of granting the villagers’ wishes. Of course the villagers rejoiced and worshipped the girl even more, giving her pretty clothes and a fancy place to live in.
In response to that, the girl healed the villagers’ wounds or illnesses, prayed for a good harvest and as the village gradually grew larger, so did the number of children and everyone was smiling.
Amidst that, only the mother of the girl cried with “Why?”. The most important person to the girl, her beloved mother… Only she was crying all the time. Because the girl wanted to see her mother smile, because she wanted to grant her wish, she often asked her mother for her wish. But the mother would never give her an answer.
“It’s something I mustn’t wish for.”
Always replying that, the mother never spoke out her wish. Also, the girl was worshipped as a Goddess, so she lived separated from her mother and there even opened up a distance to the villagers. Unable to play with her friends anymore, she was forced to only play the Goddess… She became all alone.
But as long as she could see everyone’s smiles, the girl was happy with just that. With only that she should be able to endure it. However, as the years went by, the girl gradually became unable to bear it. What started it?
Probably the fact that she couldn’t see the smile of her most precious person without being able to grant her wish.
The years only went by harshly and one day the lifespan of the girl’s mother came to an end. The mother had eagerly clung to her life. She had kept wishing with all her might that the faith would stop, while she shed tears. But the girl stayed a Goddess all the time and on the mother’s deathbed, she cried out.
“Please tell me your wish! I haven’t granted a single wish for you, Mom! I don’t want that! I’ll grant anything for you! Just say it!”
The girl raised a desperate voice. After receiving the grace from God, her own daughter had not aged a single day. Seeing her like that made the mother finally cry in front of the girl.
“I… didn’t need… a Goddess…”
She sobbed and shed endless tears.
“You know, I loved you so much, even when you weren’t a Goddess, even when you couldn’t do anything. I wanted to live together with you. I wanted to eat together, take baths together and play together…”
With only regrets left,
“I’m sorry, that I couldn’t keep the promise, ***-chan.”
Calling the girl by her real name at the very end, the mother passed away while crying. And it wasn’t just the mother. All of the girl’s past friends said so on their deathbed while crying.
“Forgive us, ***-chan, for forcing the role of the Goddess on only you and leaving you alone all this time. We’re sorry for only us, your friends, becoming happy… So sorry.”
When the girl was called by her real name, all her friends passed away with an apology.
But the girl didn’t want crying faces. She only wanted to see smiles, yet all her friends showed her tears at the very end.
Moreover, the tragedy didn’t end there. Time slowly passed, her faith weakened and at the same time, the girl lost her divine powers. All that was left to her was… an non-aging body.
…Before she noticed it, no one in the village needed the girl anymore.
Therefore the girl escaped from the room she was shut in and went on a trip full of anticipation.
Would she find a warm place?
She believed that there ought to be a place for her somewhere. And in fact, she found one right away. Amongst all the people she got close to, there were kind people, who considered the girl as their family.
However, the daily life slowly crumbled with time. She would lose her place every time without fail. All those she came to love, would definitely die before her. Every time, she could only sit at their deathbeds. And she always saw a crying face at the very end.
“Sorry, Elni. I can’t play the guitar anymore. Sorry for leaving you alone.” “Sorry, Elni. I wish I could have cooked and stayed with you more… I’m really sorry for leaving you alone…” “Sorry. I can’t cry with you anymore. I’m sorry for… making you cry all by yourself, Elni.”
Regretting to leave the girl by herself and thinking of the loneliness of the girl whose growth had stopped, the kind people distorted their expressions and shed tears on top of it.
So the expressions of her beloved people in her memory were always just crying faces. The expressions of her beloved people in her dreams were always soaked with tears. And after seeing off her beloved people to the other world one after another, the girl finally decided.
She would no longer live together with anyone. She would become no one’s family.
She wanted to see smiles, yet she made them cry at the very end. Instead of making her precious people cry, she should just stay alone. She should just cry by herself. It was better that way.
Even if she became family with someone, her lifespan was different from others. At some point, she would be alone. Before that happened, she should leave on her own accord. For the sake of not making her precious people cry, and for her own sake…
* * *
“…The girl, I have lived like that. During all that, my life with you guys was the best. It made me think for the first time that I’m fine without my beloved mother and don’t need to return to my mother’s house. So I was happy as never before, and scared as never before.”
Painfully clenching her small fists,
“I was scared to no end. My lifespan surely is even longer than a devil’s. Everyone’ll surely die before me. I love everyone so much, yet I can’t live together with them. I can’t die together with them. I can only sit at their deathbeds. You’re kind, Shinobu, so you cry like all the others from seeing me like this. But I’m sick of it.”
Blurring her crimson eyes greatly,
“With my growth stopped, I won’t age. I once crept out everyone by staying in the same place for too long. Getting hated is still better than that.”
Trembling her slender shoulders,
“I don’t want to see any more crying faces. I don’t want to sadden anyone at the very end. I have enough of breaking warm places. I don’t want to… see your crying face in my dreams! Anything but that! I love all of you, so I don’t want to sadden you!”
Raising a crying scream, Elni kept shouting while sobbing.
“Therefore! Therefore! I won’t come back! I won’t go back anywhere! If it only breaks in the end, I don’t want to become anyone’s family anymore! I can’t live together with someone! I’m fine being a stupid… lonely Goddess!”
“…Even if you‘re fine with it, I’m not…”
Stimulated by my emotions in my chest, I gently pulled Elni into an embrace.
“There’s no point in crying by yourself. Just like you don’t want us to cry, I don’t want you to cry either. So I wrecked my brain and came up with a nice idea, Elni.”
Calling upon her heart this time,
“Sure, I might die before you. However, I thought of a way, where neither you or I are crying.”
Holding onto her this time, I looked at Elni and filled my tone with emotion.
“When in the future, after whatsoever years, I get a child, will you become the godparent?”
“Me… the godparent?”
“Yeah, you. I want you to take that role. And you see, I want you to support my child, make it smile and stay by it’s side.”
I was sure that my child would love and admire Elni without doubt.
“And then, when my child grows up, gets married and gets a child of it’s own, I want you to be the godparent for that child this time. Watch over usforever.”
“But you’ll…”
“Yeah. I’ll die one day. But I’ll smile. Because I can rest in peace. After all, you’ll be with my child and won’t cry all by yourself.”
Therefore I could really be at ease.
“But well, if you’re scared, you don’t have to see me die. You can just leave me and live with my child somewhere. And before my child dies, you just go somewhere else with my grandchild. If you repeat that, then…”
Increasing the squeeze on her,
“We will always be with you. If you feel like crying, we can embrace you like this. We can always be together. You won’t ever need to cry.”
I spoke out my wish straightforward.
“Become my family in that way.”
“I’m… an idiot, you know? And even a glutton. I watch TV non-stop and play video games all day. Not to forget, I selfishly… eat all the snacks…”
“Yeah, and then you show us a smile.”
“…That’s not all… I often take naps… and I might never work.”
“Even so, you’ll always smile at us. That’s how we like you. Even I like you very much. I want to stay with you forever.”
“Even… if I cause… nothing but… troubles to you, Shinobu… you’re fine with me?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m happy to have you as my family. Just promise me one thing.”
Still embracing Elni, I peacefully and gently declared.
“Never cry by yourself from now on. If you have a hard time, you can rely on us anytime.”
“I… don’t have to hold back anymore? You won’t come to hate me, even when I cry?”
“Don’t worry. It’s okay. Whenever you cry now, we will by your side. So you don’t have to worry anymore.”
When I petted her head along with kind words, Elni clung tightly to me, as she had endured it for so long with her small body, and cried with a loud weeping. Like a child fawning on it’s mother, she spilled all the tears she had been holding back so far without hesitation…
Holding her firmly like that, I thought while my vision started to get blurry from my own tears. That the others would surely remember about Elni once we got home and they saw her face. And then it would be the Christmas party. Together with everyone, without anyone missing, we would celebrate the present day. Because today was the commemoration day that the small Goddess in my arms became a part of our family.
…The quiet residential area. It was already past midnight.
Afterwards, I tried to go home with Elni, but midway we missed the last train, so we had no choice but to use a taxi. Driving down the painfully long highway, I gradually became paler from the fares, then we finally got back to our neighbourhood. However, even though we were still a bit afar from our house, Elni called out to the taxi driver with “We’ll get off here” for some reason… Well, that alone wasn’t a big deal.
The problem came afterwards. Around the corner we would be able to see our house, yet Elni wasn’t moving an inch for a while now. She must be worried after all. After a while, I grabbed her hand to reassure her, whereupon Elni squeezed back on my hand and said quietly.
“…I just can’t find the words. Unlike you, the others have forgotten about me. What should I tell them—”
“Elni, it’s your house too, so you don’t need to have any weird reservations. You just have to say ‘I’m home’. I’m sure everyone’ll remember right away.”
At the same time I cut into her words, I slightly increased the squeeze on her hand, whereupon Elni obediently moved on and turned at the corner, where our house finally came into vision.
But for some reason, there was a huge bat on top of our fence.
That bat had something in it’s mouth and as soon as it noticed us, it spread it’s wing and flew over to Elni. It offered the something in her mouth… a piece of paper to her, then spread it’s wings again and flew off somewhere.
“…Might have been Bram’s familiar.”
Saying so while watching off the bat, Elni unfolded the memo in her hands.
A bit curious, I peeked at her hands, where there was written the obscure message of “A Christmas present from me”.
As she didn’t understand the meaning behind the message either, Elni put the paper into her pocket while tilting her head, and then headed to our house a bit hesitant together with me.
There our visions fell onto my mother, who stood leaning against the front door despite the late time. Maybe she had been there the whole time. My mother was wearing a coat and when she noticed us, she came straight at us and faced Elni.
“…This is the girl you have been searching for, Shinobu?”
This girl. The treatment of a real stranger. While Elni rocked her eyes a bit, my mother stared at her and started to talk peacefully.
“You seem to be a foreigner. Do you have a place to stay at?”
“…I… once more… here, but… I guess… left once… so I no longer…”
“—Then stay with us.”
Elni faintly damped her eyes.
“Be my daughter from today on.”
My mother gently held out her hand.
“If you want, I can become your second mother— Elni.”
It was the same sentence like before, but calling her name dearly, my mother pulled Elni into an embrace.
Instantly, Elni trembled her voice gravely.
“…Why… are you remembering me… All of you were supposed to have forgotten…”
“Sorry, Elni. I had forgotten about you until today. I didn’t even notice until Machina’s father came by today.”
“Bram came by?”
“Yes. I don’t really get it, but he said something about a hypnosis experiment and that he came by to undo it. But to think I fell for it so easily and forgot about you…”
The Old Man Bram came over to our house. He gave a Christmas present. My mother, having regained her memories, was at a loss for words.
“…You waited in front of the house the whole time, didn’t you? Your body is chilled to the bones. What if you catch a cold…”
Elni tightly returned the hug of my mother and timidly spun her words.
“Hey, were you saying the truth just now? Will you really become my mother?”
“…Of course, Elni.”
While my mother desperately tried to keep her cracked voice in check, Elni immediately started to sob.
“…Will you play with me again?”
“Silly girl. Of course I’ll play with you any time.”
“Then… it’s… a promise… You definitely… have to keep it… This time for sure… I won’t make you cry… Will you… smile together with me this time?”
“You really are silly, Elni. We’re family now, so we cry together and laugh together. We’ll always be together. So don’t leave on your own again, okay? That’s what you have to promise me.”
“…Yeah… I promise…”
Nodding firmly, Elni showed a smile. It was overflowing with tears, but I thought of it as an unusual gem. And I immediately could see that pretty smile once more.
After my mother had embraced Elni for a while, she pushed her back to make her stand in front of the front door. When Elni then entered our house with a bit of hesitation,
“—Welcome home!”
Just how long had they been waiting? The moment Elni opened the door, everyone stood in the entrance hall with a smile. Luna, Machina, Nazuna and even Hijiri and Kaorun. All together they put on a strained smile.
“Welcome home, Elni-chan. Let us take a nap together again, okay? Then I will sing a lullaby. The song you presented me.”
“Welcome home, Elni-oneechan. I still can’t play the guitar well yet. Teach me again next time, okay? And let’s play together again.”
First Luna and Nazuna hurried over to Elni.
“Welcome back, Elni. Actually, I have a Christmas present for you. Luna-san taught me how to knit. This muffler is for you. As thanks for showing me that starry sky.”
“Welcome home, Elni-san. There is a cake served in the living room. I baked it. I will bake another one next time, so please eat it again.”
Hijiri and Kaorun followed after Luna and Nazuna.
“Welcome back, Elni. Teach me… how to cook again. Stay with me again. My room is… too broad… without you…”
While everyone called out to Elni, Machina was the first to cry.
“You stayed with us for so long, yet you disappear on your own and even asked that weird request of my father. Even though I like, even though I love you so much… why did you just disappear… This time… properly become… my older sister… Elni…”
With Machina’s tears as the trigger, everyone’s smiling faces slowly crumbled and the next one to cry was surprisingly Kaorun and then Nazuna.
“That’s no good. Didn’t we decided that we wouldn’t cry when Elni comes back?”
“Hijiri-san is right. We have to welcome her with a smile…”
Even while chiding Machina and the other two, Hijiri and Luna started spilling tears from their eyes too… No one could stop it anymore. Everyone hugged onto Elni and repeated “Welcome home” numerous times.
Amidst that, the embraced Elni said.
“…I never thought it would come back again… yet it did…”
The warm place like a sunny spot. The one thing she gained at the very beginning, then lost in exchange for becoming a Goddess and kept looking for it numerous times, but gave up at some point, yet always desired it.
Elni cried loudly. She returned everyone’s hug tightly, as to confirm their existence, their warmth and to never separate from them again.
Surely her long travel ended in this moment.
The girl, who had always been alone, finally found a house to return to. She gained a place where she belonged to.
That was something she always desired. The normal everyday life she yearned for. Even if she herself wasn’t normal, even if she was to part with her beloved people one day, if she kept being surrounded by her beloved people all the time, then…
Ahh… I could no longer hear the sound of rain. It must have stopped. The rain of tears that had fallen in her heart without end… it finally stopped.
While she was embraced by everyone, her tears ceased with time and Elni narrowed her crimson eyes, smiling.
She kept smiling dearly and happily, brighter than any smile.
The rain in her heart was gone. The expression on her face after the rainfall, was a pretty smile like a rainbow in the blue sky. Elni was no longer a Goddess. She was a simple girl, a little bit stupid glutton and our beloved—- family member.
So no matter what kind of fierce rain would fall in the future, Elni surely would never cry all by herself again…
