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“The weather is starting to get hot······.”
Should I say that I could feel that summer is drawing near? Or should I say that I’m worried about how hot this summer is going to be since it’s already this hot in June?
“Jjaro, did you wait long?”
Once I heard a voice call out to me, I turned off my handheld mini-fan and spoke.
“Rather, is there a need for us to come out separately like this? We live in the same house anyway, so we could have come out together.”
“But I wanted to say that.”
“You made me wait outside in this scorching heat for 30 minutes just to say that line? You sure have grown a lot lately, Ja Saeyeon.”
Saeyeon just laughed with an ‘ehehe’ in response to my words which I had said while gnashing my teeth.
Today was the day we promised to go on a date on. It’s a bit embarrassing to say it like this.
“Ah, the bus is here.”
“Did you put sunscreen on properly?”
“I even put on this hat.”
Saeyeon bobbed her wide-brimmed, white hat as if she were showing it off. She has a weak body, so if she receives direct sunlight for too long, then she could get anemia.
“More importantly, is a place like that really all right? Wouldn’t somewhere indoors be better?”
“I wanted to go to a zoo. The weather is nice, so wouldn’t it be better to go outside?”
“I prefer the indoors, though.”
I grumbled and sat down on an empty seat on the bus. Saeyeon sat down right next to me. The bus started to move with a jerk.
“So, what exactly did you want to see at a zoo that made you want to go to one this much?”
“Animals!”
“······Ah, okay.”
I mean, you do go to zoos in order to see animals, but······. I really don’t understand her. While I let out a small sigh, Saeyeon simply continued to beam happily.
As we had trivial conversations which didn’t differ from our normal conversations, the bus stopped at every bus stop before eventually arriving at an old zoo on the outskirts of the city.
“It’s an elephant train, an elephant train!”
“No, that isn’t an animal.”
It seems that there weren’t a lot of people who wanted to come to a zoo during this scorching heat, so the roads were rather empty. Saeyeon simply grinned as if she were having fun and I followed behind her from a short distance away.
“Look, it’s a bear, Jjaro!”
“······Yeah. A bear.”
“How cute······.”
Saeyeon leaned against the safety rails and hopped up and down as she watched the bears move around in the water. I’ve thought about this before as well, but I can’t tell what’s so cute about bears. Those are wild beasts, you know? Wild beasts. You’ll die if they hit you with a right hook.
“Three little bears~.”
“Do you not get tired of that song?”
It’s fortunate that no one around us is paying attention to us. However, the instant that thought went through my head, I heard someone chuckle at Saeyeon’s singing as they passed by us. What, do you have a problem? Is there a problem with singing a song about bears while looking at bears?
It soon became time for lunch while we were walking around, so we decided to sit on a bench and have a light meal before we continued through the zoo.
“Tadah, it’s a packed lunch, Jjaro!”
“······.”
I was wondering why she brought a bag.
With a confident look on her face, Saeyeon pulled out two packed lunches from her bag and spoke.
“Miss Jihye also told me that they were good, so it should definitely be tasty.”
“······That sounds a bit trustworthy.”
“Right? I’ve always wanted to make you a packed lunch like this as well.”
Saeyeon laughed bashfully in response to my comment. I wasn’t particularly complimenting you right now. Well, whatever.
“What did Jihye say when you told her you were going out today?”
“She said to not worry about Jaim. Lately, Jaim has also been getting along better with Miss Jihye than before.”
“······I figured.”
We did call them both over after what happened and had a talk with them, after all. We told them to not do things that would worry Saeyeon. Jaim seems to still be uncomfortable around Jihye, but at the very least, she was more open to her now compared to before.
Jihye decided to stay at our place for a while longer.
She did say that she wasn’t going to go back if Jaim didn’t return, and there was also the thing that I had said to her. She occasionally looked sad, but I pretended to not notice.
This was my choice, after all.
“Oh, this is definitely better than before.”
Once I voiced my awe after picking up one of the side dishes and eating it, Saeyeon giggled.
“Is it that good?”
“No, it’s not super tasty or anything.”
It was just a bit better than before. At the very least, it wasn’t a taste that made you repent while looking back at your life. I asked a question while I ate.
“Oh right, what did you talk about with Jihye last time?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“You took Jihye back to your parents’ place, didn’t you? Did you not talk to her about something? Jihye told me that you said some stuff about me.”
“I didn’t really say anything special.”
Saeyeon held her chopsticks in her mouth and spoke.
“I just told her that Jaim probably doesn’t hate her as much as she thinks Jaim does, and, although you say some bad things from time to time, Jjaro, I told her that you aren’t that bad of a person.”
“······Is that really it?”
“Let’s leave it at that. There was also a secret topic that you don’t know about, but that’s a secret, so I won’t tell you. Like how you’re hiding something from me as well.”
“······.”
I sometimes wonder. Does Saeyeon actually know the truth already, or does she really not know? Nevertheless, I had no way to find out.
We resumed our walk around the zoo once we managed to finish our lunch.
There wasn’t anything particularly different this time, except for one thing.
“It’s a date, so we should go around holding hands, right?”
My hand which was holding hers during this heatwave was hot.
My hand felt moist because of the sweat, so I tried to wipe it off on my pants for a moment, but Saeyeon strengthened her grip instead. She shook her head. As if she even found this sensation to be pleasant.
We were at a distance where our shoulders were nearly touching. The wide brim of Saeyeon’s hat occasionally tickled my cheek, but whenever I tried to put some distance between us, Saeyeon would take a step towards me and bring us back to our original positions.
Saeyeon continued to smile as if she were happy.
Once we roamed around the zoo, which didn’t really have any particularly interesting exhibits, for a long time, the sun eventually started to set.
“Should we head home now?”
“Okay.”
Whether it was because we walked for a long period of time or because of the sunlight, but Saeyeon answered in a tired voice. I wasn’t the one who dragged her around. She’s the one who dragged me around.
“Are you having a hard time?”
“No. It’s okay. I’m the one who wanted to come here.”
Saeyeon shook her head. We were almost at the exit.
Thus, I let go of her hand. Saeyeon didn’t seem to mind as she continued to walk forward.
I stood still as I caught my breath.
There’s one thing I decided to do today.
No, in truth, I had decided to say this a long time ago.
However, I always missed the opportunity to do so. I wanted to say it, but I would always feel as if I shouldn’t.
This was something that couldn’t be helped now.
This might be something that Saeyeon had noticed by now as well.
But······.
Saeyeon didn’t wait for me and continued forward. She was at a distance where I was unsure as to whether she could hear me or not if I were to speak now. Any later than this, and I may try to aim for another opportunity.
And like that, I would continue to be unable to say it. I felt like it was going to be like that for some reason.
That’s why I had to do it. I have to. The words that I should have said back then, no, the words that I should have said several years ago.
“⎯⎯⎯Sorry.”
I have to apologize to Saeyeon.
For having twisted Saeyeon however I pleased.
For using Saeyeon’s feelings until now.
For not trying to understand Saeyeon even once until now.
No, for everything that had happened between us until now.
“······.”
Saeyeon simply stood there in silence.
What kind of expression was Saeyeon making right now? Instead of the back she was showing me, what sort of emotions were going through her front right now?
She most likely knows even if I don’t tell her. What I’m apologizing for. The current Saeyeon isn’t a child anymore, after all.
Was she upset? Was she sad? Because I had broken her until now, changed her however I pleased, and laughed at her as I treated her like an idiot.
“······I’m so, sorry.”
I couldn’t revert everything back to how it was, so I could only apologize.
I know how much of a piece of trash I am to a painful degree.
I also know that the most garbage-like part of me is the fact that I’m displaying this side of myself at a moment like this.
The side that’s hoping that Saeyeon would smile and accept my arbitrary apology, the fact that I’m showing her how much of an unbearable a piece of trash I am, but at the same time, I couldn’t do anything about it.
“······Jjaro.”
With her back still facing me, Saeyeon simply raised her arm and pointed forward.
“Do you see that?”
“······.”
“Don’t be like that and come here. Can you see that?”
Her back was still facing me as she said that. I wordlessly went to Saeyeon’s side and, while suppressing my urge to look at Saeyeon’s face, I looked towards the place where Saeyeon was pointing at.
“······There’s nothing there.”
“Yup. There’s nothing there.”
In the end, I wound up turning towards Saeyeon. Even though I knew that it wouldn’t make sense for me to get annoyed at a time like this.
Saeyeon was just smiling. Happily.
“Still, we were looking towards the same place, weren’t we?”
“······You······.”
“That’s why that’s enough.”
Saeyeon turned around and showed her back to me once more before I could say anything.
“From now on, if Jjaro tries to apologize again for ‘what you had done back then’, then I could say something like ‘Something like that did happen, huh?’ and ‘Oh, right! We were looking towards the same place at that time, weren’t we?’.”
“······I don’t understand what you mean.”
“That’s fine.”
Saeyeon took wide, exaggerated, and cheerful steps forward and spoke as she distanced herself from me.
“I was able to stay with you, Jjaro, by doing that, after all.”
“······.”
“Since we were able to look towards the same place, I’m fine with that.”
Saeyeon chuckled lightly and continued.
“Jjaro, you know what you did was wrong, right?”
“Sorry.”
“You won’t do that from now on, right?”
“Sorry.”
“I asked you if you weren’t going to do that from now on. It doesn’t make sense if you answer that with ‘Sorry’.”
“······Sorry.”
Saeyeon giggled. The sound of her laughter tickled my ears.
Saeyeon stopped walking forward. I was barely able to hear her voice now.
“······I sometimes think that we might not always be able to stay together. Similar to how I want to see Mom.”
Saeyeon was speaking in a mature and regrettable voice which I had once heard her speak in before.
“But, I believe that you can’t do anything about what can’t be helped.”
With a slightly lonely and sad tone, Saeyeon spoke.
“That’s why, rather than regretting what happened and being angry at you, I want to enjoy the present.”
“Saeyeon.”
“I probably won’t be with you forever, Jjaro.”
“Saeyeon.”
“A lot of things will definitely happen from now on, and we may even get into a larger fight than the one we had before. I might even get tired of you and tell you that I want to break up. Even if these things don’t happen, you and I will grow old and once we both become grandparents, who knows who will die first. We aren’t capable of living forever, right?”
“Saeyeon.”
“So, Jjaro, you as well.”
Saeyeon spun around and reached her hand out as she looked at me.
“If possible, I want you to keep liking me like this.”
“······.”
“Later on, we might start to miss holding hands, walking together, and looking towards the same place together like this, right?”
While smiling gently, Saeyeon waved her extended hand slightly as if she were urging me to hurry up and grab her hand.
A thought went through my head as I grabbed that hand.
I decided.
From now on, no matter what happens, I won’t let go of this hand first.
If I have a family, if someone lives together with me like this forever, then there’s only one person in the world who can be my partner.
No, it isn’t to that extent, but,
I’ll continue to live while atoning for everything I’ve done until now.
I have no other choice but to take responsibility for what I had broken.
I wanted to take responsibility.
No one is forcing me to do this. I’m doing this because I want to.
Because, rather than being told that I’m needed or precious to someone,
I need Saeyeon more.
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“The weather is starting to get hot······.”
Should I say that I could feel that summer is drawing near? Or should I say that I’m worried about how hot this summer is going to be since it’s already this hot in June?
“Jjaro, did you wait long?”
Once I heard a voice call out to me, I turned off my handheld mini-fan and spoke.
“Rather, is there a need for us to come out separately like this? We live in the same house anyway, so we could have come out together.”
“But I wanted to say that.”
“You made me wait outside in this scorching heat for 30 minutes just to say that line? You sure have grown a lot lately, Ja Saeyeon.”
Saeyeon just laughed with an ‘ehehe’ in response to my words which I had said while gnashing my teeth.
Today was the day we promised to go on a date on. It’s a bit embarrassing to say it like this.
“Ah, the bus is here.”
“Did you put sunscreen on properly?”
“I even put on this hat.”
Saeyeon bobbed her wide-brimmed, white hat as if she were showing it off. She has a weak body, so if she receives direct sunlight for too long, then she could get anemia.
“More importantly, is a place like that really all right? Wouldn’t somewhere indoors be better?”
“I wanted to go to a zoo. The weather is nice, so wouldn’t it be better to go outside?”
“I prefer the indoors, though.”
I grumbled and sat down on an empty seat on the bus. Saeyeon sat down right next to me. The bus started to move with a jerk.
“So, what exactly did you want to see at a zoo that made you want to go to one this much?”
“Animals!”
“······Ah, okay.”
I mean, you do go to zoos in order to see animals, but······. I really don’t understand her. While I let out a small sigh, Saeyeon simply continued to beam happily.
As we had trivial conversations which didn’t differ from our normal conversations, the bus stopped at every bus stop before eventually arriving at an old zoo on the outskirts of the city.
“It’s an elephant train, an elephant train!”
“No, that isn’t an animal.”
It seems that there weren’t a lot of people who wanted to come to a zoo during this scorching heat, so the roads were rather empty. Saeyeon simply grinned as if she were having fun and I followed behind her from a short distance away.
“Look, it’s a bear, Jjaro!”
“······Yeah. A bear.”
“How cute······.”
Saeyeon leaned against the safety rails and hopped up and down as she watched the bears move around in the water. I’ve thought about this before as well, but I can’t tell what’s so cute about bears. Those are wild beasts, you know? Wild beasts. You’ll die if they hit you with a right hook.
“Three little bears~.”
“Do you not get tired of that song?”
It’s fortunate that no one around us is paying attention to us. However, the instant that thought went through my head, I heard someone chuckle at Saeyeon’s singing as they passed by us. What, do you have a problem? Is there a problem with singing a song about bears while looking at bears?
It soon became time for lunch while we were walking around, so we decided to sit on a bench and have a light meal before we continued through the zoo.
“Tadah, it’s a packed lunch, Jjaro!”
“······.”
I was wondering why she brought a bag.
With a confident look on her face, Saeyeon pulled out two packed lunches from her bag and spoke.
“Miss Jihye also told me that they were good, so it should definitely be tasty.”
“······That sounds a bit trustworthy.”
“Right? I’ve always wanted to make you a packed lunch like this as well.”
Saeyeon laughed bashfully in response to my comment. I wasn’t particularly complimenting you right now. Well, whatever.
“What did Jihye say when you told her you were going out today?”
“She said to not worry about Jaim. Lately, Jaim has also been getting along better with Miss Jihye than before.”
“······I figured.”
We did call them both over after what happened and had a talk with them, after all. We told them to not do things that would worry Saeyeon. Jaim seems to still be uncomfortable around Jihye, but at the very least, she was more open to her now compared to before.
Jihye decided to stay at our place for a while longer.
She did say that she wasn’t going to go back if Jaim didn’t return, and there was also the thing that I had said to her. She occasionally looked sad, but I pretended to not notice.
This was my choice, after all.
“Oh, this is definitely better than before.”
Once I voiced my awe after picking up one of the side dishes and eating it, Saeyeon giggled.
“Is it that good?”
“No, it’s not super tasty or anything.”
It was just a bit better than before. At the very least, it wasn’t a taste that made you repent while looking back at your life. I asked a question while I ate.
“Oh right, what did you talk about with Jihye last time?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“You took Jihye back to your parents’ place, didn’t you? Did you not talk to her about something? Jihye told me that you said some stuff about me.”
“I didn’t really say anything special.”
Saeyeon held her chopsticks in her mouth and spoke.
“I just told her that Jaim probably doesn’t hate her as much as she thinks Jaim does, and, although you say some bad things from time to time, Jjaro, I told her that you aren’t that bad of a person.”
“······Is that really it?”
“Let’s leave it at that. There was also a secret topic that you don’t know about, but that’s a secret, so I won’t tell you. Like how you’re hiding something from me as well.”
“······.”
I sometimes wonder. Does Saeyeon actually know the truth already, or does she really not know? Nevertheless, I had no way to find out.
We resumed our walk around the zoo once we managed to finish our lunch.
There wasn’t anything particularly different this time, except for one thing.
“It’s a date, so we should go around holding hands, right?”
My hand which was holding hers during this heatwave was hot.
My hand felt moist because of the sweat, so I tried to wipe it off on my pants for a moment, but Saeyeon strengthened her grip instead. She shook her head. As if she even found this sensation to be pleasant.
We were at a distance where our shoulders were nearly touching. The wide brim of Saeyeon’s hat occasionally tickled my cheek, but whenever I tried to put some distance between us, Saeyeon would take a step towards me and bring us back to our original positions.
Saeyeon continued to smile as if she were happy.
Once we roamed around the zoo, which didn’t really have any particularly interesting exhibits, for a long time, the sun eventually started to set.
“Should we head home now?”
“Okay.”
Whether it was because we walked for a long period of time or because of the sunlight, but Saeyeon answered in a tired voice. I wasn’t the one who dragged her around. She’s the one who dragged me around.
“Are you having a hard time?”
“No. It’s okay. I’m the one who wanted to come here.”
Saeyeon shook her head. We were almost at the exit.
Thus, I let go of her hand. Saeyeon didn’t seem to mind as she continued to walk forward.
I stood still as I caught my breath.
There’s one thing I decided to do today.
No, in truth, I had decided to say this a long time ago.
However, I always missed the opportunity to do so. I wanted to say it, but I would always feel as if I shouldn’t.
This was something that couldn’t be helped now.
This might be something that Saeyeon had noticed by now as well.
But······.
Saeyeon didn’t wait for me and continued forward. She was at a distance where I was unsure as to whether she could hear me or not if I were to speak now. Any later than this, and I may try to aim for another opportunity.
And like that, I would continue to be unable to say it. I felt like it was going to be like that for some reason.
That’s why I had to do it. I have to. The words that I should have said back then, no, the words that I should have said several years ago.
“⎯⎯⎯Sorry.”
I have to apologize to Saeyeon.
For having twisted Saeyeon however I pleased.
For using Saeyeon’s feelings until now.
For not trying to understand Saeyeon even once until now.
No, for everything that had happened between us until now.
“······.”
Saeyeon simply stood there in silence.
What kind of expression was Saeyeon making right now? Instead of the back she was showing me, what sort of emotions were going through her front right now?
She most likely knows even if I don’t tell her. What I’m apologizing for. The current Saeyeon isn’t a child anymore, after all.
Was she upset? Was she sad? Because I had broken her until now, changed her however I pleased, and laughed at her as I treated her like an idiot.
“······I’m so, sorry.”
I couldn’t revert everything back to how it was, so I could only apologize.
I know how much of a piece of trash I am to a painful degree.
I also know that the most garbage-like part of me is the fact that I’m displaying this side of myself at a moment like this.
The side that’s hoping that Saeyeon would smile and accept my arbitrary apology, the fact that I’m showing her how much of an unbearable a piece of trash I am, but at the same time, I couldn’t do anything about it.
“······Jjaro.”
With her back still facing me, Saeyeon simply raised her arm and pointed forward.
“Do you see that?”
“······.”
“Don’t be like that and come here. Can you see that?”
Her back was still facing me as she said that. I wordlessly went to Saeyeon’s side and, while suppressing my urge to look at Saeyeon’s face, I looked towards the place where Saeyeon was pointing at.
“······There’s nothing there.”
“Yup. There’s nothing there.”
In the end, I wound up turning towards Saeyeon. Even though I knew that it wouldn’t make sense for me to get annoyed at a time like this.
Saeyeon was just smiling. Happily.
“Still, we were looking towards the same place, weren’t we?”
“······You······.”
“That’s why that’s enough.”
Saeyeon turned around and showed her back to me once more before I could say anything.
“From now on, if Jjaro tries to apologize again for ‘what you had done back then’, then I could say something like ‘Something like that did happen, huh?’ and ‘Oh, right! We were looking towards the same place at that time, weren’t we?’.”
“······I don’t understand what you mean.”
“That’s fine.”
Saeyeon took wide, exaggerated, and cheerful steps forward and spoke as she distanced herself from me.
“I was able to stay with you, Jjaro, by doing that, after all.”
“······.”
“Since we were able to look towards the same place, I’m fine with that.”
Saeyeon chuckled lightly and continued.
“Jjaro, you know what you did was wrong, right?”
“Sorry.”
“You won’t do that from now on, right?”
“Sorry.”
“I asked you if you weren’t going to do that from now on. It doesn’t make sense if you answer that with ‘Sorry’.”
“······Sorry.”
Saeyeon giggled. The sound of her laughter tickled my ears.
Saeyeon stopped walking forward. I was barely able to hear her voice now.
“······I sometimes think that we might not always be able to stay together. Similar to how I want to see Mom.”
Saeyeon was speaking in a mature and regrettable voice which I had once heard her speak in before.
“But, I believe that you can’t do anything about what can’t be helped.”
With a slightly lonely and sad tone, Saeyeon spoke.
“That’s why, rather than regretting what happened and being angry at you, I want to enjoy the present.”
“Saeyeon.”
“I probably won’t be with you forever, Jjaro.”
“Saeyeon.”
“A lot of things will definitely happen from now on, and we may even get into a larger fight than the one we had before. I might even get tired of you and tell you that I want to break up. Even if these things don’t happen, you and I will grow old and once we both become grandparents, who knows who will die first. We aren’t capable of living forever, right?”
“Saeyeon.”
“So, Jjaro, you as well.”
Saeyeon spun around and reached her hand out as she looked at me.
“If possible, I want you to keep liking me like this.”
“······.”
“Later on, we might start to miss holding hands, walking together, and looking towards the same place together like this, right?”
While smiling gently, Saeyeon waved her extended hand slightly as if she were urging me to hurry up and grab her hand.
A thought went through my head as I grabbed that hand.
I decided.
From now on, no matter what happens, I won’t let go of this hand first.
If I have a family, if someone lives together with me like this forever, then there’s only one person in the world who can be my partner.
No, it isn’t to that extent, but,
I’ll continue to live while atoning for everything I’ve done until now.
I have no other choice but to take responsibility for what I had broken.
I wanted to take responsibility.
No one is forcing me to do this. I’m doing this because I want to.
Because, rather than being told that I’m needed or precious to someone,
I need Saeyeon more.
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