Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter3
Chapter 3 The First Handnote- Shuuji Kataoka’s Confession
“Shuuji-senpai…”
That‟s what Takeda-san called me.
Takeda-san didn‟t tell me why she was crying.
I waited until Takeda-san stopped crying, then I accompanied her back to her house. We both
shared a single purple umbrella as we slowly walked home. Because Takeda-san had been crying
very hard, her eyes became very red, and she kept her head low the whole way. I tried to
discreetly note her condition, and I noticed that her lips were a bit swollen, with blood seeping
out. Sometimes she would secretly raise her head to look at me, and a feeling of unsure (or
unsecure) would show in her hazes, as if she was trying to ascertain something. Then she would
nervously lower her head, and blink a few times.
Pretty soon we arrived at a 2 story high building that is surrounded by beautiful flowerbeds. We
said goodbye to one another.
“Thank you for walking me home, senpai.”
“No problem. You should hurry up and change your clothes. That will make you warmer.”
Takeda-san raised her head and looked at me. She kept on staring at me as if there was
something written on my face. Then her eyes became tear-filled again, and she lowered her head.
After she bid me farewell, she turned around to the front entry that was decorated with a
handmade door sign, and slowly disappeared inside.
On the following day during the break after the first period, Takeda-san didn‟t come to find me. I
remained stationed in my seat, and I stared at the classroom door throughout the whole period.
Because of this, I accidentally made eye contact with Kotobuki-san, who was just about to enter
the classroom.
(Wah, what should I do.)
The other side seemed to panic at well. She became motionless at the door. But then she bit her
lip, and with some hesitation, walked towards me.
“This is the change you wanted yesterday.”
After she said that, she curtly extended her fist towards me.
“Ahhh, thanks….eh, 50 yen?”
Kotobuki-san had put a 50 yen coin onto my hand.
“That‟s….10 yen extra.”
“I know that. So give me 10 yen in return.”
“Ehhh…..Sorry. I don‟t have any change with me right now.”
“Then give it to me at a later date.”
She mumbled resentfully. She seemed ready to leave, yet she remained beside my desk.
“…Today, Takeda Chia didn‟t come.”
“Ahh…yeah. That‟s right.”
“Hey, yesterday after school…Inoue, you walked straight into the classroom, right? At that
moment…you really didn‟t hear anything?”
As she said that, she gazed fixedly at me.
I put on a gentle smile.
“Eh? Hear what?”
Kotobuki-san turned red instantly.
“You didn‟t hear anything…that‟s good.”
She concluded the conversation with this, turned around, and walked back to her seat.
All that‟s left is the 50 yen coin in my palm.
The school bell started to ring softly, signifying that period two was about to begin.
(Aah, Takeda-san….she really didn‟t come.)
The time is after the second period, and Takeda-san is still nowhere in sight.
I was worried that she got a cold and was absent, so I decided to find her. As I was wandering
back and forth near her classroom door, I saw her. She, and her friends, were giggling and
laughing as they came out of the classroom.
“Hurray! Yotsu-chan you are amazing! Ok! I too will wait until it‟s his birthday, and I will bake
him a birthday cake as well. Ah.”
The cheerful looking Takeda-san noticed me. She widened her eyes, and she put her hand down.
“Konoha-senpai…”
“Goo-Good morning.”
“Gosh, why did you come here without telling me, senpai? Ah, sorry, Yotsu-chan, I will be
going first. Konoha-senpai, here here”
Takeda-san grabbed my wrist, and with skipping steps, she walked forward.
(Ah, what? How did she become so lively all of a sudden?)
She took the puzzled me to a deserted place, turned around and smiled at me.
“Ehh, I didn‟t think that Konoha-senpai would come looking for me, I was very surprised.”
“Well, since you were crying so hard yesterday, I was worried.”
“Ah, about that? I am fine already. Maybe my mind just became a bit too tense, or maybe the
rain made me depressed…or it‟s because Konoha-senpai is too kind…I couldn‟t help but play
darling with you [TR note: I don‟t know how to translate this phase properly, could someone
help formulate a better one?]…kyaa, that was so embarrassing. Please forget what happened
yesterday.”
With her face blushing furiously, and the way she waved her arms as she talked, she looked like
the Takeda from any other day. I couldn‟t help but doubt myself- was that crying face of hers a
mere hallucination?
“Did something happen between you and Shuuji-senpai?”
The boy that was looking for Takeda, was he Shuuji-senpai? After all, he did call Takeda-san
with the intimate nickname „Chi‟…
Takeda-san‟s expression quickly became clouded.
Ahh, something did happen.
“…That…something is bothering Shuuji-senpai. Yesterday, I got Shuuji-senpai's letter, the letter
says…”
Letter?
“Ah! But! I feel energetic now~~~”
Takeda san lifted her head and forced herself to smile at me.
“Right! Konoha-senpai. Have you brought today‟s letter?”
“Yeah. I brought it.”
I handed her the neatly folded report paper, and she seemed to cheer up from the inside out.
“Thank you so much! I think after Shuuji-senpai reads the letter, he too will become energetic
again. Ah, my next class is in a different classroom, I will be leaving then. Kyaa!”
Takeda-san tripped and almost fell, but thankfully I steadied her before she reached the ground.
“Ehehe, sorry. I am really clumsy. Bye!”
She once again stepped out her unsteady steps, and with a rhythmic „patapata‟ noise [TR:
onomatopoeia], she ran away again. Even though I am still concerned about her, all I did was see
her off.
Shuuji-senpai has something bothering him in his mind, that‟s what Takeda-san said.
Takeda-san was crying quite severely, these two events are probably related.
That Shuuji Kataoka, what kind of a person is he? Up to this point, I have written many letters to
him already, but all I know about him are words I heard from Takeda-san.
As a 3rd year member of the Archery Club, he has many friends. He is good at acting silly and
makes everyone laugh.
He always has an outgoing smile on his face. Only when he is practicing archery would he have
a serious expression.
Even without talking with him, you would know he is very gentle. After you talk with him, you
will realize he is also kind and empathic…
These are the things Takeda-san said.
What if Shuuji-senpai is not the kind of person Takeda thought he is? It is common to hear
stories about a person who has his judgment clouded by his emotions.
“Hey, Akutagawa-kun, are you in the Archery club?”
During the cleanup duty time of the same day, I chatted with my classmate Akutagawa-kun.
“Yes.”
Right now Akutagawa-kun is carrying the table. He answered emotionlessly with an adult-like
deep voice.
He is not mad at my intrusion; he has always been very economic with his words. I have never
seen him laugh loudly. With his cool look, he probably is very popular with the girls. When I
walked to his side and lifted my head to look at him, I found that he was completely different
from me. He is very tall, his arms and his shoulders are very strongly-built, and his face is also
very cool looking. He really is a handsome fellow.
“Among the third years in the Archery Club, is there a student called Shuuji Kataoka?”
Akutagawa thought about this a bit, and impassively answered-
“No, I do not know.”
“Eh? What? Did I make a mistake with the name? Is there a person that has nicknames like „Suuchan‟
or „Kajuu senpai‟?”
“There is someone name Fujimura Shuuya in the club, but he is in 2nd year, not 3rd year. Also, I
don‟t think anyone calls him „Suu chan‟ or „Kajuu senpai‟.”
“Eeh, really? Is there anyone else with the name Suu?”
“I don‟t recall.”
What is going on? Did Takeda-san make a mistake with the name? But, this explanation would
only work before she confesses; she confessed already, they even write letters to one another,
they probably talked a lot as well. I suppose it is possible that she misremembered the name.
Akutagawa finally finished moving the tables. He turned towards me.
“That Shuuji-senpai you mentioned, what happened?”
“Let‟s see… I heard about him from someone I know. Then, is it all right if I accompany you to
the club room for a drop in?”
“Ah. Sometimes we have students who are interested in joining dropping in to our practice
sessions.”
“Then, is today fine with you? But I don‟t plan on joining the club…can I still drop in?”
“……It should be fine. I will notify the club teacher.”
“Thanks, Akutagawa-kun.”
The practice range for the archery club is the old dojo beside the gymnasium. At the front there
are five target boards. In addition, there are a few targets that are made of hay. Each haystack has
a pole sticking through it, with a board behind it as support. A few worn tatami were laid side by
side.
Some club members are wearing white clothing with breast plates for the top and black hakama
for the bottom. They are all currently practicing archery. Standing beside them are the remaining
club members. There are about 10 of them; each person is wearing their PE uniforms, and holds
a few chunky rubber arrows. Everywhere there are shouts of
“Ashibumi!””Dozukuri!””Yugamae~!” They are probably first year students.
Akutagawa-kun has also changed into his practice uniform. He walked towards me and said-
“I got the permit. Don‟t wander off; it could be dangerous here.”
“Ok, got it.”
At the moment, a loud snap pierced through my ears- an arrow had hit a tatami.
“Uwaa…the sound is so loud. It is pretty intense when you are near.”
Takeda-san once said that when Shuuji-senpai‟s arrow hit its target, it felt as if her heart had
been hit at the same time.
“Yeah…that‟s right. Most people are surprised when they first experience it.”
Akutagawa-kun said emotionlessly. Afterwards, because he also had to practice, he had taken
leave.
I just stood behind everyone and observed their practice.
The male and female members of the archery club all practice together. The division is about
half and half. There are numerous members, just from looking there are about 50 people.
One of them must be Takeda-san‟s love at first sight person, „Shuuji-senpai‟.
(Unn…if it is love at first sight, then he must be very good looking. If that‟s the case, that person
won‟t be him. Not him either. That person doesn‟t seem to match the description either….)
As the verification went on I put my head in my hands.
I was confused. The number of possible candidates was decreasing drastically.
(If I have to pick the best looking guy in the club, no matter how I look at it, Akutagawa-kun is
the winner. But Takeda-san said that Shuuji-senpai differs from his serious look- he is very
friendly, and socializes with many people. Akutagawa-kun could hardly be described as
friendly…people from our class even described him as cold. What if he becomes lively when he
comes to the club? Uhnn…uhnnn…..)
At the end, I failed to identify Shuuji-senpai.
During a break in the practice, Akutagawa-kun came to me and said in a low and passive vice-
“I asked the club president whether there is a member called Shuuji, but he said he doesn‟t know.”
The mystery mystified.
I thanked Akutagawa-kun and headed towards the literature club.
“Ku-shun~”
The sound of a cute sneeze entered my ears as I walked into the club room.
“Ku-shun~ Gusu….zuzu….”
Tooko-senpai pulled a Kleenex from the tissue box, and wiped her nose.
“Ah, good afternoon, Konoha-kun. Ku-shu~!”
She sneezed, and then wiped her nose.
The waste bin next to her feet was filled with pink used Kleenex.
Ah~~, she really got a cold from being soaked in the rain.
“This…umbrella, thanks.”
I handed her the purple umbrella. Tooko-senpai, with her Rudolf-like red nose and teary eyes,
smiled at me.
“No problem. I put your umbrella back into the drawer. Thanks for letting me keep it for so long.”
“You seem to have a cold…are you all right?”
“No worries, no worries. Yesterday in the bath I was reading Cartland‟s „The Haunted Heart‟
I was so into it that I didn‟t notice that the bath water had turned cold. But don‟t worry, I will be
fine soon.”
“If the bath water turned cold, you should have gotten out. Moreover, wouldn‟t the book become
wet and damp?”
“That‟s why it is another kind of delicacy. It is as if you are dipping biscuits into pink red
champagne, right?”
“I don‟t think there exists a soap or shampoo flavored champagne.”
“Gosh, you really have no dreams. Ku-shun~…zuzu…But Konoha-kun, you are late today. Was
it your turn to be on cleaning duty again?”
“That…I was not on duty. I went to the Archery Club to observe.”
“Zuzuz…guzu…the Archery Club?”
Tooko-senpai covered her face with her nose, tilted her head, and looked at me. Her braids, like
cat tails, softly dangled on her back.
“Here‟s what happened…”
I told her about yesterday‟s incident with the crying Takeda-san, and how I failed to find Shuujisenpai
in the Archery Club today.
“What…”
Tooko-senpai was speechless.
Then, as she thought about what that meant, she said-
“The computer in the library should have a complete list of students‟ names. Let‟s go to the
library.”
Kotobuki was manning the library‟s circulation desk.
“Ah”
After she saw me, she started staring at me as if demanding what I was doing here.
“Kotobuki-san, could I use the computer?”
“Only a few people are using the computers today, the computers are not occupied.”
“Thank you.”
“Ku-shun. Sorry.”
We passed through the help desk and headed to the computer section. We picked an empty
station.
“Konoha-kun, please do it. I am not very compatible with machines.”
Tooko-senpai‟s voice was filled with dread.
“Compatible...All we are doing is searching!”
Using the mouse, I opened Sejiou School‟s name list, and started to search for „Shuuji Kataoka‟.
The mouse cursor momentarily changed to an hourglass and then a warning saying „Record not
found‟ appeared.
Then, I searched for the name „Shuuji‟.
That failed as well.
Then I searched for the name „Kataoka‟. Seven records were returned. Four of them are female,
and of the remaining 3, none of the males have the first name „Shuuji‟. Not even a name that
sounds remotely close.
Tooko-senpai and I turned and looked at each other.
What‟s going on?
Not only does the person Shuuji Kataoka not exist in the Archery Club, he does not exist in this
school.
The next day, during the break after the first period, Takeda-san appeared in my classroom. She
held the notebook, with a duck printed on its cover, to her chest.
“Good Mor--ning~~, Konoha-senpai. I am here to get the letters.”
While ignoring Kotobuki-san‟s stare, I dragged Takeda-san to the corner of the hallway.
“There is no letter today.”
“Eh, why?”
“Shuuji-senpai does not exist in this school.”
“Eeeeeeeeeh”
Takeda-san‟s eyes opened wide. She did not seem to be acting, she genuinely seemed to be
shocked. Then, with a laugh, she amusingly said-
“Gosh, what are you talking about, Konoha-senpai. Of course Shuuji-senpai exists in this school!”
“But I couldn‟t find a person named Shuuji Kataoka in the Archery Club, nor could I find him in
the school student list. Takeda-san, who have you been giving the letters to?”
Takeda-san still cheerfully answered me-
“To Shuuji Senpai!”
Her expression and voice showed that she was not at all bothered by my question. So much so
that I was starting to think that perhaps I had made a mistake. A feeling of unease swelled up
inside me.
“Shuuji-senpai is rea~~~~~~lly in the Archery Club!”
“Bu-But…”
“Chia always keeps Shuuji-senpai‟s letters with her all the time. Here.”[TL note: note that Chia
is talking about herself in third person term, as is common in Japanese for people to act cute
(Why yes I am a cynic. Why did you ask?)]
Takeda-san opened the duck notebook she has been holding with her arms. She took out one of
the envelopes inside it and showed it to me. The white envelope was of a simple design. There
was no receiver‟s name. All that was written on it were the words „From: Kataoka Shuuji‟.
Takeda-san then took out the letter in it.
The letter was a simple piece of white paper as well. There seemed to be three pieces of paper
folded together.
Now that I noticed it, yesterday Takeda-san also mentioned about the letters Shuuji gave her. At
that time she only said „The letter is…‟, and then she became dispirited and fell silent.
She also said that something was bothering Shuuji-senpai.
The letter was probably about that, right?
Takeda-san‟s expression seemed a bit hesitant. With a look of unease I occasionally see from her,
she looked at me. Then, as if she had made a decision, she held the letters out to me.
“Konoha-senpai. It‟s true. I haven‟t made a mistake. Please read the letter. Shuuji-senpai is…in
despair right now….but I am an idiot; I couldn‟t understand…so…so…please, Konoha-senpai,
please help him.”
With a shaken voice, she sincerely confessed to me. Even though on the outside she seems very
outgoing; perhaps inside her stress level has already reached what she could handle by herself.
Perhaps Takeda-san too is seeking someone to help her. Maybe that‟s why right now she is
looking at me feebly.
I knew, after I read the letter, I would not be able to back out.
Right now, the act of reading the letter is only for the purpose of assisting and helping Takedasan.
I only want to help her. Nothing more.
To be able to live a quiet and eventless life is my biggest wish.
Sticking into other people‟s problems is a very foolish action. Sorry, I am not a person who can
handle such a heavy burden. This is what I should have said to her. I should have said that,
turned around, and left.
But that too seems to be too late. Does Shuuji Kataoka truly exist? …...Why is this happening?
Even I want to know the answer to this.
I accepted the letter and opened it. The tips of my fingers were numbed. I could even smell a
sweet scent.
“Mine has been a life of much shame.
On me, one could not find a trait that makes a human human.
Such as kindness, empathy, sympathy- emotions that a human should have.”
“I am wearing the mask of a clown. I killed myself trying to make those around me laugh,
hoping that no one thinks that I am harmful. But, as the lies piled on top of one another, my heart
became emptier and emptier.
“On that day, I killed a man. The soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red
blood spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene.
I killed a man.
Perhaps even God does not want to save me.”
“It‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟
After school I went to Literature Club room.
After Tooko-senpai read the letter, she unequivocally said.
“„Ningen Shikkaku‟, it‟s by Dazai Osamu, right?”
“Yes. The line „Mine has been a life of much shame‟ is what the main character of „Ningen
Shikkaku‟ said in the first line of the novel. Also, other sentences seemed to refer to „Ningen
Shikkaku‟ as well.”
After Tooko-senpai said that, „Ku-shu‟, she sneezed again.
After a night of rest she got better, but she hasn‟t healed completely yet. Her eyes keep on rolling
around. “In other words, the event described in the letter did not really happen; it was only an
imitation of the novel?”
I hope such is the case. When I received the letter from Takeda-san‟s hands and read it, the
content seemed very twisted and beyond help. I felt that I had been tossed into a truly black
abyss.
This is the grim confession and repentance of a boy named Shuuji Kataoka.
Since he was small, Shuuji lacked the emotional traits others possessed.
Why would one feel happy?
Why would one feel dislike?
And, what‟s the definition of like? What‟s the definition of dislike?
A close relative of his died. At the funeral, everyone was crying. But he didn‟t feel sad at all. A
friend was going to move away, everyone was feeling bad. Except for him. When a puppy and a
little baby appeared, everyone said it is so cute. Only he failed to comprehend, why do they like
such humans or animals. As these kinds of events happened more and more, he started to lose a
sense of humanity, instead he felt that he was a cursed monster.
The failure of understanding other people's emotional processes made him feel fear, despair, and
pain.
If everyone found out that he was a monster, what would they do?
Because of fear, he remains a clown. A clown that does his best to cheer up others. A clown that
tries his hardest to make others like him.
Those around him were fooled by his acting. He naturally became a popular person in his social
circle. But deep inside him, he was clenched by a powerful sense of shame. This brought
immense pain to him.
Lying is shameful. Deviancy is also shameful. In his letter Shuuji Kataoka repeatedly described
his inner pain.
“So ashamed.
I feel so ashamed.
Just the act of living brings me shame.”
Only one person saw through Shuuji‟s clown trick.
Shuuji referred to that person as S. In the letter, he said that person understands him the best, yet
at the same time it will be S who brings Shuuji to his destruction.
“Only one person, only S, through his intelligent eyes, made me realize I am merely a clown.”
“One day, S will cause me to go on the path of destruction.”
“One day, S quietly said to me. Your girlfriend, do you honestly love her?”
The letter ended here.
Who is „her‟ the letter referred to? Who is „S‟? I have no idea.
What kind of answer did Shuuji give S?
When I finished the letter, for some reason my chest felt very stuffed. I have felt like this before.
After hearing what Tooko-senpai said, however, I felt relived.
(This is the reason. This letter started with a reference to „Ningen Shikkaku‟.)
When I was in junior high, I read this most notable work of Dazai Osamu. My first impression of
the book is that the name is very dark. The reason I chose to read the book is because it was one
of the 4 assigned readings for the summer holiday. After I picked a book, I was supposed to read
it and write a report on it. Perhaps I was at an age of wanting to grow up, I picked the hardest
book to read.
But back then I was only a junior high school student, I was not mature enough yet. So I didn‟t
really understand the pain the main character went through. The main character keeps on
confessing for his melancholic life, but I didn‟t get it one bit. At the end I chose another book for
my report.
Even that was a very long time ago, but deep in my mind I still seem to recall the content of the
book. So when I read Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter, I had a deja vu moment with it.
“Ku-shu~”
Tooko-senpai has started sneezing again.
“Uhnnn… In my opinion this letter did not completely copy Dazai‟s book. The author is only
using „Ningen Shikkaku‟ as a vehicle to express his feelings so that others can know his true self,
I think.”
“If that‟s the case, he said he killed a person, could this be true? And he said he wants to die,
that‟s true as well?”
“If he really did kill someone, then things are very bad.”
No matter how you put it, Shuuji Kataoka does not merely „have a little something bothering
him.‟ I must help him as soon as possible. The killing part may only be a delusion, but the act of
fantasizing such a thing is already dangerous enough. Moreover, for someone who is in so much
despair, so much self-disdain, how could he live on?
“Dazai Osamu commited suicide a month after he completed „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Looking at this,
things do not look good.”
This letter feels almost as if it is a will. Shuuji Kataoka must be planning to commit suicide;
that‟s why he wrote such a letter to Takeda-san, right?
Tooko-senpai is sitting in her chair, both arms hugging her knees. Her right thumb is pushing on
her lips as she falls into deep thought.
“Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟ is composed of „Prologue‟, „The First Handnote‟, „The
Second Handnote‟, „The Third Handnote‟, and finally „Epilogue‟. It was published in June, July,
and August editions of „Tenbou‟. The beginning of the story, „Prologue‟, and the confession of
the main character „Youzou during his teen‟, „The First Handnote‟, were published in the May
edition. A month later, on June 13th, Dazai Osamu, with his lover, Yamazaki Tomie, jumped
into Tamagawa Jousui and drowned…”
Tooko-senpai's gaze moved far away. Her lips, like a mechanism, rhythmically moved.
“The second part of the story was published during the search period. On June 19th, their corpses
were found. „The Third Handnote‟ and the concluding „Epilogue‟ were published a month later
in the July edition. „Ningen Shikkaku‟ can be said to be a bibliography of Dazai‟s life.
The main character was born in a rural well-known traditional family. He was ashamed and
afraid of his deviancy, so he plays a bogus clown. Later on he even turned to dangerous social
movements. But halfway through he quit. He started to despise himself. To escape from his
despair, he chose to live a sinful life.
During that time, he and a waitress of a cafe decided to commit suicide together. The waitress
died, but he managed to survive. Because of it, he turned even more inward. He became even
more self-doubting and in despair. In the end, he returned to his poor, inward, fruitless life style.
Even his innocent wife was polluted by him. The main character became heavily addicted to
drugs. His friends sent him to an asylum, where he ended up as a docile being.
The author Dazai Osamu was also from a rural forest‟s landowner family. He too had joined
social movements because he wondered whether he would remain as a rich heir for life. He had
also tried to commit suicide with a cafe‟s waitress, but that too failed.
That time Dazai Osamu was saved, but the waitress died. Afterwards, he married Geisha Oyama
Hatsuyo, who followed him from their home town. But after he learned of Hatsuyo‟s past, he
was traumatized. He tried to kill himself, but again that failed. Afterwards, because of his heavy
drug addiction, he was admitted into Musahino Hospital.
After his release, he wrote the basis of „Ningen Shikkaku‟, „Human Lost‟. Not long after that, he
tried to commit suicide again with his wife Hatsuyo, but as before he failed.
Following this, Dazai Osamu wrote many famous and incredible works. He became a wellknown
writer. 10 years passed, and he finally rewrote and completed „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
Immediately after the completion, he committed suicide. This time Dazai Osamu and his female
companion were not revived. This is why everyone thinks „Ningen Shikkaku‟ is Dazai Osamu‟s
will.”
Tooko Senpai turned her gentle gaze toward me, and asked:
“Konoha, have you ever read Dazai Osamu‟s works?”
“I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Also included in the textbook there are „Hashire Merosu‟ and
„Fugaku Hyakkei‟ right?”
“From what I can remember, „Hashire Merosu‟ is usually put into social ethnic textbooks. It is a
good article, but it just doesn‟t taste right……un Ku-shu!~ Ku-shu~ !Ku-shu~!”
She probably said too much all at once, so she sneezed non-stop multiple times.
“You all right?”
“Hm, I am fine…zu zu. So, Konoha, what do you think of Dazai Osamu after reading his works?”
“I don‟t really understand. The prologue alone made me feel burdened…but in contrast „Hashire
Merosu‟ made me feel fired up. The ending is far too casual, I wasn‟t touched by it; instead I was
startled. For „Fugaku Hyakkei‟, I only remember the scenes when the pictures were taken. After I
read the story, I felt very happy. Moreover, the pacing of the story feels very rhythmic. It is very
relaxing to read it. You almost feel like you are conversing with the author.”
“Exactly, that‟s one of the most attractive traits of Dazai‟s works!”
Tooko-senpai wiped her nose with a pink red Kleenex, squeezed the used paper into a tiny
sphere, and threw it into the garbage bin. Then, with an enthusiastic tone, she continued:
“Dazai‟s works often make their readers feel as if they are in an intimate and realistic
conversation with the author. The story that was based on Judas, „Kakekomi Uttae‟, reads like a
transcription. The intense dialogues were shooting out so fast one has trouble following them.
This is an incredible way to set up the events. This kind of subsurface second person point of
view is Dazai Osamu‟s greatest magic. It is „resonance‟ between the author and his works.”
“Resonance?”
“Yes. Dazai was an author with polarized comments towards him. Even though to people who
dislike his works, his works are too dark, melancholic, and heavy. But to people who like him, he
is a very attractive author. One could not help but fall in love with him. In fact, following his
death, each year on the day of his death, his readers would hold a Outouki [TL note: a gathering
to mourn for his death]. Even up to this day many people still join the gathering. By having such
devoted fans, I think it shows he has qualities that few literature giants possess. [TL: I know the
last line is not translated properly, but this is the best I could do.]
Why do the fans love Dazai so much? It is because the readers can see their worries and pain
reflected from Dazai‟s works?
„Aa, I understand this. I am like this as well. This person is the same as me….‟ When the readers
read his works they often think like this.
Dazai‟s works have the magic to summon this resonance.
No matter who it is, everyone wants to be understood by others. Each person wants to seek that
special person.
Deviancy can be a scary thing. Loneliness too is very miserable. Dazai‟s works can often, at this
moment, directly converse with the inner hearts of its readers. As you flip the pages, you merge
with the author. Together you will experience the world of the story. Aaaa, it‟s like it‟s my own
story. The main character of the story is me…you just can‟t help but think like this.
According to legends, when Dazai was alive, his readers often wrote letters or diaries to him to
reveal their worries. Sometimes he even combined his readers‟ stories with his books. The story
about a normal girl‟s one day of life, „Joseito‟, was based on the diary of his reader, „Ariake
Shzuko no Nikki‟. Due to the influence of Dazai‟s works, even her writing style is similar to him.
It is quite believable if you say this is part of Dazai‟s works.”
“Shuuji Kataoka probably experienced the same resonance with „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Is that the
reason why he wrote this letter?”
“That‟s possible. Maybe he sees similarities between him and the main character. This is the
attraction and at the same time terrifying quality of Dazai‟s stories…when you are already in a
depressed mood, if you read this book, it is very likely that it will push you over the line and into
the darkest sea…”
Shuuji Kataoka too is enticed by Dazai, and fell into this painful state.
“But, this letter ended halfway. Would it be like „Ningen Shikkaku‟ and have second and third
handnotes?”
“Ku-shu, gosh. If that is the case, if his problem is not solved before the appearance of the
second handnote, he may really commit suicide.”
“Please don‟t say something that can jinx it.”
“But, just by reading his letter you feel as if you have nowhere else to go…No matter how
hungry I am I won‟t touch this letter. If I eat this poisonous letter, I too may want to kill myself.”
Tooko-senpai shuddered.
“Then who is S that he mentioned in the letter? And what about „her‟…does that mean Takedasan?
More importantly, where is Shuuji Kataoka?”
“That‟s right. This is the number one problem. We must see Shuuji-senpai as soon as possible. If
he really is planning to kill or commit suicide, we must stop him.”
“In the end…the only person who can do it is Takeda-san…”
The following day was a Saturday, school was closed.
On the following Monday, during the break after the first period, Takeda-san, with her lively
footsteps, appeared outside the classroom door.
“Konoha-senpai, could I have the letters now?~~”
To the giggling, happier than usual Takeda-san, I cut to the chase.
“Sorry, I can‟t write the letters. I need to know more about Shuuji-senpai, or else I can‟t write
them.”
The smile on Takeda-san‟s face disappeared. Her eyes looked like a puppy's that has been
abandoned.
“About Shuuji-senpai, could you tell me more about him? Please tell me everything you know
about him. I will write the letters after.
“…”
Takeda-san lowered her head.
Her fingers were twisted together, and she kept on flexing them.
“After school…can you come to the library? I will be waiting for you in the basement book
storage room.”
The old spiral staircase creaked as I walked down it. At the bottom there was a grey door.
I knocked on it.
“Come in.”
A voice from inside answered.
As I slowly pulled the door knob backward, I smelled a sweet scent.
It‟s not the smell of cream or chocolate- it‟s the smell of old books.
The room was covered in dust. There were cobwebs all over the ceiling. Two or three
bookshelves were standing in the room, with many stacks of books lying on the floor.
This place was like a graveyard for books. In the middle of the crowded room there was a worn
desk and a chair. The lamp on the desk was turned on, and it alone illuminated the whole room.
Takeda-san was sitting in front of the table and was writing on something. With a „Pah‟ she
closed her duck notebook and quietly looked at me. Beside the notebook there was a coffee mug.
The drawing on that mug was the same as the notebook‟s- they both have a little duck on them.
“This room has cockroaches and mice.”
A light smile appeared on Takeda-san as she said that.
I looked at the bottom of my feet with unease.
“That‟s why the other library assistants dislike this place and don‟t want to be here; I treat this
place as a secret room and often stay in here.”
“…Is, is that right.”
“Konoha-senpai, you dislike roaches?”
“…I don‟t think anyone likes them.”
“That‟s true, I‟ve never heard of things like Cockroach lovers club, or cockroaches‟ enthusiasts‟
website.”
“…If I have to compare, mice terrify me more than roaches. When I was in elementary school I
once stayed in my aunt‟s rural home. One day when I woke up I saw a dead mouse next to my
pillow. When I shifted my body position, my face rested against the mouse‟s corpse. Even
though this turned out to be the doing of my aunt‟s cat…uhhh, now I am reminded of that
sensation.”
I shuddered as I recalled the still warm, blood soaked body of the mouse.
“Ah, that was a disaster. But mice „only occasionally appear‟, so there is nothing to worry about.
If one does appear, I will help you chase it away.”
With a thud, Takeda-san banged her chest with her hand.
“Thanks, I feel much better.”
“Ah, Konoha-senpai, would you like some tea?”
Takeda-san took out an orange water jug, twisted off the lid, and poured an amber colored
beverage into it.
“Here, this is roast tea.”
“You have a traditional hobby.”
“Hehehe, sometimes I sneak in here just to have tea.”
The thermal jug kept the roast tea at the best temperature; it was good.
“Thank you.”
I put the lid onto the table and, from my pocket, I took out Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter that Takedasan
loaned me yesterday.
“…First of all, you can have it back.”
“…”
Takeda-san silently received the letter. She slipped it into her duck notebook, and tightly held the
notebook to her chest.
“I apologize in advance if I am mistaken. I don‟t think the letter was meant for Takeda-san. It
was written to someone else, is that correct?”
Takeda-san‟s finger jolted.
“The letter does not contain the recipient's name. In addition, judging from the content, I don‟t
think the letter was written to you.”
“…That‟s right.”
Takeda-san muttered.
“Shuuji-senpai didn‟t give me the letter. I found it by coincidence in a book.”
“A book, from the library?”
“Yes, it was slipped in between Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟. I was curious, so I read it
and was shaken by it. It bothered me a lot and I couldn‟t stand it, so I went to find Shuuji-senpai.”
“In the Archery Club?”
Takeda-san slightly hesitated, and then forcefully nodded.
“…Yes.”
“But the Archery Club does not have a member named Shuuji Kataoka…”
“No, Shuuji-senpai exists.”
She lifted her head and said intensely.
“It‟s true. Shuuji-senpai does exist.”
I don‟t understand.
Why does Takeda-san insist that Shuuji Kataoka really exists?
Also, what is the true identity of the Shuuji Kataoka that Takeda-san claimed existed?
Or is Shuuji Kataoka invisible to me and only Takeda-san can see him? That‟s scary.
Takeda-san put the notebook back onto the table and kept her face down completely.
A strenuous silence filled this underground room.
I felt as if a mouse was squeaking near us. I tried to change the topic.
“Then, the opening of that letter has its dues from Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟‟s content,
do you know?”
“…Yes. After I finished the letter, I borrowed „Ningen Shikkaku' and finished it as well.”
Takeda-san smiled weakly.
“But, I am an idiot. Even though I finished „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I am still unable to comprehend
the story. Why does this person feel so much pain…He is rich enough to hire house cleaners.
Every time his father goes to Tokyo, he always buys presents for his family. His siblings, friends,
and teachers all like him. He is smart and writes many fun works. Women love him; some are
even willing to die with him. Why would he feel he is so shameful that he does not deserve to
live? This is-too strange. He rants too much. There is no point in living so painfully.”
A grievous expression appeared on Takeda-san‟s face. Her eyes shone with loneliness. Halfway
through her talk, she lowered her head. Her shoulders were shaking greatly, her lips continued to
slowly shift.
“…That‟s all I can think of, I am so useless. I am so dumb. It‟s true, I am really common, and
my head is not good, I am useless. Dazai Osamu and Shuuji-senpai‟s yearning for death, even if I
spent a lifetime thinking about why, I still wouldn‟t understand. I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟ from
front to back 5 times, yet I still don‟t understand…so at last, all I could do is cry.”
Takeda-san‟s grief quietly stained my chest.
To understand the person you love.
But is unable to.
Unable to understand the pain the other person is going through, I once had that experience.
Takeda-san‟s throat, as if trying to swallow her tears, gave out „thumping‟ noises. Then she took
the duck mug with her hands.
“…This cup, was a birthday present from my friend; Shii-chan is my best friend. She differs
from me. She is very smart and competent…She said I am like this duck, I always look clueless,
and am always tripping in places that have nothing to trip over...
I know that I am just a common idiot….but I really want to help Shuuji-senpai. Anything I can
do for him, I will do my best to complete it.”
Her fierce determination can be seen through her tone.
At least in Takeda-san‟s heart, Shuuji-senpai does exist. Takeda-san really does love Shuujisenpai.
Seeing such a show of emotion from her, I cannot find anything to counter.
“I don‟t understand „Ningen Shikkaku‟ either.”
I could only say this.
Takeda-san lifted her head and, with her close to breakdown, close to crying, looked at me.
Her lips shook softly.
Would Takeda-san come and take refuge with me, just like what she did on that rainy day? I
wondered.
But, all I could hear was a soft squeak from her throat. Both ends of her lips rose and she smiled
at me.
“Eheh, ehehe…….That‟s why. In the eyes of commoners like you and I, those who are born into
a wealthy family and still feel ashamed of themselves…they really do look stupid. Ehehe”
She tried her hardest to squeeze out a smile, but it did not feel cheerful at all. At last she started
crying again.
“Konoha-senpai…your, senpai‟s face, I like it.”
“Wh- why all of a sudden-”
Her tear covered yet smiling face looked at me, then slowly said:
“Konoha-senpai‟s face….looks very beautiful, very gentle.”
Even though I had been mocked that I look like a girl before, this is the first time someone said I
was beautiful. I was becoming flustered.
“Takeda-san, that‟s a strange thing to say.”
“Eheh, I need to ask Konoha-senpai for a favour. Tomorrow after school, could you accompany
me to the Archery Club?”
Takeda-san‟s voice was so forceful that I was taken aback.
“Please come with me to the Archery Club. I will take you to Shuuji-senpai.”
◇ ◇ ◇
S is dangerous.
S sees through everything.
S will destroy me one day.
One day, I will be killed by S.
What a blissful occurrence that will be!
◇ ◇ ◇
That night, in my own room, I repeatedly read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, and I fell into deep thought.
(The Archery Club does not have someone called Shuuji Kataoka. So who does Takeda-san plan
to show me? Or have I been mistaken all along?)
Despite being a few years since I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I still think the story is so hopelessly
distressing. Nevertheless, perhaps I have grown more mature in the past few years, so I can sort
of relate to the main character‟s thoughts.
Ahh, when I noticed that I am thinking „Ah, I thought of that before‟ or „The main character is
the same as me‟, I was startled.
(Yikes, have I fallen for Dazai‟s magic as well?)
“Konoha, the phone.”
My mother called me from downstairs.
I lifted the extension; The caller was Tooko-senpai.
“Ku-shu, hello, Konoha-kun?”
It‟s probably because she forced herself to go to school before, Tooko-senpai‟s cold got a lot
more serious today. By the second period she had to take sick leave and went home. Before she
went she, with unsteady steps, came to find me.
“I will leave Chia-chan to you. Don‟t put too much emotion into it. Don‟t bully Chia-chan. If a
ghost appears, escape as fast as you can. If anything happens phone me immediately, here is my
phone number.”
Following that, she wrote her phone number on my right hand with an oil-based marker.
“Ku-shu, ku-shu. That‟s great, you got home alright. Why didn‟t you phone me? I was worried
that you might have been eaten by a ghost. Ku-shu”
I was lying on my bed and looked at the phone number Tooko-senpai wrote on my hand.
Even if she didn‟t write it, I could have found her phone number in the club member list
(because there are only two members). Knowing that, however, Tooko-senpai still grabbed my
hand and, with tears in her eyes due to her constant sneezing, very solemnly wrote on my hand.
Tooko-senpai‟s hands were unsettlingly hot and damp from sweat.
“Because you are still on your sick bed, I thought I shouldn‟t bother you. How do you feel now?”
“I am fine already. Anyway so how did the talk with Chia go?”
This person‟s definition of „fine‟ is absolutely untrustworthy. As I recalled her past reckless
actions, I told her of the incident with Takeda-san.
When Tooko-senpai heard that Takeda-san and I were going to go to the Archery club, Tookosenpai
was shocked.
“Maybe Shuuji-senpai‟s ghost will appear! Konoha-kun, you must not forget to bring salt [TL
note: In traditional Japan, salt is used to chase away evil „beings‟].”
Why does she always think of ghosts? Do you befriend ghosts? If there exists a book eating
monster in this world, I suppose it wouldn‟t be strange for ghosts to exist as well.
I told her that after I reread „Ningen Shikkaku‟ I seemed to have fallen for it a bit. She sneezed,
and then started to chuckle:
“I too fell into the dark with the main character when I was in a baaaaaaaaad mood. Dazai‟s
magic is truly very fierce.”
“Tooko-senpai, you actually get depressed from time to time as well?”
“Yeah, when I was told that I have the Love Daisatsukai.”
“Hahaha”
“And when everyone was eating fruit sundae, but only I thought it tasted horrible…”
This time I didn‟t laugh. Foods that everyone thinks are delicious—to Tooko-senpai, they are
just tasteless inorganic objects.
Just like the main character of „Ningen Shikkaku‟, who is unable to experience the emotion
others can feel, and thus was tortured by it; foods that others find delicious, and yet you alone
taste nothing. This is very lonely.
Tooko-senpai sneezed again, and cheerfully said:
“So I used my imagination to imagine myself eating a delicious book, and say „Wha, so
delicious‟.”
“Because you are the bungaku shoujo.”
“Ehen, that‟s right. Ah, but about „Ningen Shikkaku‟, there is one part I couldn‟t understand.”
“Which part?”
“This part-‟I do not know the feeling of an empty stomach‟. I tried my beeeeest to imagine it, but
I just couldn‟t understand that feeling…Aha, I have been chatting with Konoha-kun for so long, I
am starting to get hungry again. Ku-shu!”
“…”
Even when she has a cold; even when she is in a bad mood; Tooko-senpai always behaves like
Tooko-senpai.
I told her to consume more Vitamin C to fight the cold, and then I hung up.
A book that is filled with Vitamin C…What would that book be like?
On the following day, perhaps due to her condition, Tooko-senpai did not come to school.
After class, Takeda-san came to my classroom to meet up with me.
“Then, let‟s go, Konoha-senpai.”
She seemed so happy, it was as if we were going to an amusement park.
“What the, Inoue is going on a date?”
“No way, nope.”
I only smiled and rejected the leers from my classmates.
Kotobuki-san was still staring at me coldly. „And he claimed he was not going out with her.
What a liar [TL note: the original word is a slang/saying- I am too lazy to explain it. Suffice to
say it means liar.].‟ She must be thinking that.
Under the influence of Takeda-san‟s pulling, I stepped out of the classroom.
“Then, is Shuuji-senpai really in the Archery Club?”
“You‟ve come already, and you are still asking that question? Everything is perfect!”
Perfect? What‟s perfect!?
With unease loomimg over me, we came to the Archery club.
“Excuse me~~~, we are here to observe~”
At the entrance of the practice ranch, Takeda-san loudly declared.
“Hey, Chia-chan, long time no see.”
“Hey hey you‟ve even brought your boyfriend with you. Big bro is really surprised, Chia-chan.”
The club members all ran to us and intimately greeted her. Takeda-san seems to be a frequent
visitor here.
(So Takeda-san always comes to the Archery Club to see Shuuji-senpai…)
I am becoming more and more confused.
The club members brought two chairs for us, so Takeda-san and I sat down.
Whenever someone hit the red center target, Takeda-san would cheer:
“Uwha, that‟s great~, nice~!”
And she would clap.
In the middle of the process, the fully changed Akutagawa-kun saw me. A strange expression
appeared on his face.
I nodded at him, he also greeted me back. Judging from Akutagawa-kun‟s personality, I don‟t
think he would gossip to our classmates. Nonetheless, if he mistakes the act of me coming along
with Takeda-san to see them practice, I would still be pretty embarrassed.
I quietly asked Takeda-san:
“Hey, who is Shuuji-senpai?”
“I am looking for him. Ah, that person!”
Following the direction she was pointing, I saw the person she was pointing to was Akutagawakun,
who was pulling the bow string towards him. His back was straight and expression was
serious. He looked very cool.
“Eeeeh, Akutagawa-kun was Shuuji-senpai?”
“Eeeeeeeh? Does Konoha-senpai know him?”
“We are classmates. Why is Akutagawa-kun Shuuji-senpai? Akutagawa-kun is a 2nd year
student. Also he is a strenuous person that has never even joked once in his life.”
“Aa, he does give you that feeling. He is probably a practitioner of Stoicism.”
Takeda-san just kept on giggling.
“It‟s not him! I only wanted to tell Konoha-senpai that he is the best of the Archery Club.”
*zubantsu*
The arrow Akutagawa-kun shot hit the red center.
“Kya~~~~! Amazing! It was dead center~~~~!”
Takeda-san jumped up and cheered.
“Hey, hey, he is very skilled!”
I was getting a bit irritated.
“~~~~Tsu. Takeda-san, we are not spies from other schools‟ archery clubs, nor are we members
of the Journalism Club who are interviewing club members for our newspaper articles.”
“I know that. Chia and Konoha-senpai came here to see Shuuji-senpai.”
“Then where is Shuuji-senpai?”
“That…”
Takeda-san sweeps through the ranch once with her eyes.
“Hello, everyone [TL note: the original word is 後輩諸君 (Kohai Shokun), which translates to
„all you juniors‟]! Are you guys practicing hard?”
Four or five adults came over here.
“Ah, Manabe-senpai!”
“Hello everyone, we graduated senpai have come to visit~”
“Good day, Manabe-senpai!”
“Oi, have you gotten any better, Kashiwagi?”
“Yes. I practiced with the instructions senpai gave me, and the arrows really do fly straight when
I do that!”
“Good! Show it to me later.”
“Please do!”
“Soeda-senpai and Rihoko-senpai, long time no see as well.”
“Yo, we are here to bother you guys again.”
“Fufu, it‟s been such a long time. So nostalgic~~~”
“Rihoko-senpai I heard the expected delivery date is around next year, congratulations!”
“Thank you. It‟s a bit early to say that. I quit my job last week, so I am free these days. I will
come visit you all next month as well.”
“Hey hey, is that all right, Rihoko? Don‟t push yourself!”
“Ufufu, Manabe-kun is always so worried.”
They seemed to be past graduates who came back to see how their kouhai were doing. There was
only one female among them; the rest were males.
“I heard that every month the past alumnus would visit and mentor current club members.”
Takeda-san explained to me.
“The handsome guy with the moustache at the ends of the mouth is Manabe-senpai. Ten years
ago, he was the captain that led the club to second place in the national finals. Every now and
then he summons his former teammates to help mentor these students.”
“You know a lot about it.”
“Because I come here often. I can be said to be the cheerleader of the Archery Club.”
Takeda-san said proudly. Aah, we are getting off topic again. When will I finally meet Shuujisenpai?
At that instant-
“Shuuji….!”
A terrified shout reached my ears.
I hurriedly looked around.
Has Shuuji-senpai finally appeared?
But no matter where I looked, I couldn‟t find a suitable candidate.
“What Shuuji! Don‟t be stupid!”
“That‟s impossible!”
Other graduates also shouted with horror in their voices.
Where? Where is he?
Suddenly I smelled a mixed scent of sweat and tobacco. Someone, with both his hands, grabbed
my face and swung it upward.
That moustached man, with his wide open eyes, stared at me. He is one of the graduates,
Manabe-senpai.
“Shuuji…”
From Manabe-san‟s mouth I both smelled a scent of tobacco and heard his coarse voice.
With his eyes, he just stared at me as if he wanted to swallow me alive.
I was stunned.
Shuuji is me?!
He means that I am Shuuji Kataoka?
Manabe-san finally removed his hands from my stiff face.
“Wrong person…right?”
The fire in his eyes disappeared. He started to frailly mumble to himself.
“That‟s right…Shuuji was already……Sorry, you look very similar to our friend. Are you a new
club member?”
“No, I am a second year student. Today I am here to observe the club practice.”
I don‟t know when, but all the graduates have now surrounded me. They looked at me as if they
were looking at a ghost.
As these stares are directed towards me, I am confused and don't know how to react.
What's with their eyes? Furthermore, he said that I look identical to Shuuji Kataoka. What is
going on?
The female senpai, with a gloomy tone, muttered:
“He really looks like Kataoka, but Kataoka is taller…but their faces are almost the same. He is
like Kataoka‟s little brother. Hey, what‟s your name?”
“I…Inoue Konoha.”
“Konoha….what a strange name, but it‟s cute at the same time. Konoha-kun, do you have
relatives that have the last name Kataoka?”
“Hey, that‟s enough. Rihoko.”
However, another graduate that wore a suit and glasses, a seemingly very smart man, continued
on where Rihoko stopped.
“But the similarities are striking. Perhaps Konoha-kun is related to Shuuji in some way.”
“They are not as similar as you claim. Maybe it‟s because we all have not seen Shuuji for so long
that our memories are getting fuzzy. That‟s why we mistook someone who is moderately similar
as very similar.”
“That makes sense…Maybe it‟s just as Soeda said.”
“Manabe-kun…”
A grim expression appeared on Rihoko-san‟s face.
“Excuse me,” I asked without warning, “what kind of person is Shuuji Kataoka?”
All the graduates looked at me. After that, they looked at each other with difficulties.
“Kataoka-kun was a very baffling person.”
Rihoko-san suddenly said.
“He was laid back, always fooling around. Whenever he opened his mouth, he always joked.”
“Enough, Rihoko.” Manabe-san stopped Rihoko from talking any further. Then he smiled
bitterly at me:
“Shuuji was a member of the Archery Club. He was around the same year as us.”
Same year!
Then this means Shuuji-senpai and Manabe-san etc. are all alumnus of the same Archery Club.
Shuuji Kataoka does exist.
Except he does not exist in the current Archery Club; he existed in the past Archery Club.
I subconsciously took a glance at Takeda-san. Takeda-san‟s eyes were also wide open, except
she was staring at the alumnus.
What? Takeda-san didn‟t know Shuuji Kataoka was a graduate of this school? She didn‟t know
anything about him, yet she fell in love with him? How is that possible?
“Then, where is Shuuji-senpai now?”
The Shuuji Kataoka, who always felt „My concept of happiness differs from the norm of the
world‟s, and this makes me feel as if I am slowly being eaten away”; therefore he chose to play
the part of a clown. What is he like?
Standing beside me, Takeda-san lightly gasped.
Manabe-san‟s face grew darker and darker.
“No one can meet Shuuji anymore. Sorry, this is not a happy topic, so I don‟t intend on
continuing. I apologize for scaring you, Konoha.”
“Then let‟s continue on with the practice.”
The glasses wearing alumni good-naturedly shouted. No one is talking about Shuuji-senpai
anymore.
All the graduates have moved away to mentor the kouhai. Only Takeda-san and I remained
stationary.
Takeda-san‟s face was stiff. Her eyes were fixed on the center of an arrow target.
Her eyes were razor sharp- as if she saw her hateful enemy.
“Takeda-san”
I called her with my voice. Only then did she turn toward me with an awfully hollow expression:
“……Sorry. Shuuji-senpai didn‟t come today.”
Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter3
Chapter 3 The First Handnote- Shuuji Kataoka’s Confession
“Shuuji-senpai…”
That‟s what Takeda-san called me.
Takeda-san didn‟t tell me why she was crying.
I waited until Takeda-san stopped crying, then I accompanied her back to her house. We both
shared a single purple umbrella as we slowly walked home. Because Takeda-san had been crying
very hard, her eyes became very red, and she kept her head low the whole way. I tried to
discreetly note her condition, and I noticed that her lips were a bit swollen, with blood seeping
out. Sometimes she would secretly raise her head to look at me, and a feeling of unsure (or
unsecure) would show in her hazes, as if she was trying to ascertain something. Then she would
nervously lower her head, and blink a few times.
Pretty soon we arrived at a 2 story high building that is surrounded by beautiful flowerbeds. We
said goodbye to one another.
“Thank you for walking me home, senpai.”
“No problem. You should hurry up and change your clothes. That will make you warmer.”
Takeda-san raised her head and looked at me. She kept on staring at me as if there was
something written on my face. Then her eyes became tear-filled again, and she lowered her head.
After she bid me farewell, she turned around to the front entry that was decorated with a
handmade door sign, and slowly disappeared inside.
On the following day during the break after the first period, Takeda-san didn‟t come to find me. I
remained stationed in my seat, and I stared at the classroom door throughout the whole period.
Because of this, I accidentally made eye contact with Kotobuki-san, who was just about to enter
the classroom.
(Wah, what should I do.)
The other side seemed to panic at well. She became motionless at the door. But then she bit her
lip, and with some hesitation, walked towards me.
“This is the change you wanted yesterday.”
After she said that, she curtly extended her fist towards me.
“Ahhh, thanks….eh, 50 yen?”
Kotobuki-san had put a 50 yen coin onto my hand.
“That‟s….10 yen extra.”
“I know that. So give me 10 yen in return.”
“Ehhh…..Sorry. I don‟t have any change with me right now.”
“Then give it to me at a later date.”
She mumbled resentfully. She seemed ready to leave, yet she remained beside my desk.
“…Today, Takeda Chia didn‟t come.”
“Ahh…yeah. That‟s right.”
“Hey, yesterday after school…Inoue, you walked straight into the classroom, right? At that
moment…you really didn‟t hear anything?”
As she said that, she gazed fixedly at me.
I put on a gentle smile.
“Eh? Hear what?”
Kotobuki-san turned red instantly.
“You didn‟t hear anything…that‟s good.”
She concluded the conversation with this, turned around, and walked back to her seat.
All that‟s left is the 50 yen coin in my palm.
The school bell started to ring softly, signifying that period two was about to begin.
(Aah, Takeda-san….she really didn‟t come.)
The time is after the second period, and Takeda-san is still nowhere in sight.
I was worried that she got a cold and was absent, so I decided to find her. As I was wandering
back and forth near her classroom door, I saw her. She, and her friends, were giggling and
laughing as they came out of the classroom.
“Hurray! Yotsu-chan you are amazing! Ok! I too will wait until it‟s his birthday, and I will bake
him a birthday cake as well. Ah.”
The cheerful looking Takeda-san noticed me. She widened her eyes, and she put her hand down.
“Konoha-senpai…”
“Goo-Good morning.”
“Gosh, why did you come here without telling me, senpai? Ah, sorry, Yotsu-chan, I will be
going first. Konoha-senpai, here here”
Takeda-san grabbed my wrist, and with skipping steps, she walked forward.
(Ah, what? How did she become so lively all of a sudden?)
She took the puzzled me to a deserted place, turned around and smiled at me.
“Ehh, I didn‟t think that Konoha-senpai would come looking for me, I was very surprised.”
“Well, since you were crying so hard yesterday, I was worried.”
“Ah, about that? I am fine already. Maybe my mind just became a bit too tense, or maybe the
rain made me depressed…or it‟s because Konoha-senpai is too kind…I couldn‟t help but play
darling with you [TR note: I don‟t know how to translate this phase properly, could someone
help formulate a better one?]…kyaa, that was so embarrassing. Please forget what happened
yesterday.”
With her face blushing furiously, and the way she waved her arms as she talked, she looked like
the Takeda from any other day. I couldn‟t help but doubt myself- was that crying face of hers a
mere hallucination?
“Did something happen between you and Shuuji-senpai?”
The boy that was looking for Takeda, was he Shuuji-senpai? After all, he did call Takeda-san
with the intimate nickname „Chi‟…
Takeda-san‟s expression quickly became clouded.
Ahh, something did happen.
“…That…something is bothering Shuuji-senpai. Yesterday, I got Shuuji-senpai's letter, the letter
says…”
Letter?
“Ah! But! I feel energetic now~~~”
Takeda san lifted her head and forced herself to smile at me.
“Right! Konoha-senpai. Have you brought today‟s letter?”
“Yeah. I brought it.”
I handed her the neatly folded report paper, and she seemed to cheer up from the inside out.
“Thank you so much! I think after Shuuji-senpai reads the letter, he too will become energetic
again. Ah, my next class is in a different classroom, I will be leaving then. Kyaa!”
Takeda-san tripped and almost fell, but thankfully I steadied her before she reached the ground.
“Ehehe, sorry. I am really clumsy. Bye!”
She once again stepped out her unsteady steps, and with a rhythmic „patapata‟ noise [TR:
onomatopoeia], she ran away again. Even though I am still concerned about her, all I did was see
her off.
Shuuji-senpai has something bothering him in his mind, that‟s what Takeda-san said.
Takeda-san was crying quite severely, these two events are probably related.
That Shuuji Kataoka, what kind of a person is he? Up to this point, I have written many letters to
him already, but all I know about him are words I heard from Takeda-san.
As a 3rd year member of the Archery Club, he has many friends. He is good at acting silly and
makes everyone laugh.
He always has an outgoing smile on his face. Only when he is practicing archery would he have
a serious expression.
Even without talking with him, you would know he is very gentle. After you talk with him, you
will realize he is also kind and empathic…
These are the things Takeda-san said.
What if Shuuji-senpai is not the kind of person Takeda thought he is? It is common to hear
stories about a person who has his judgment clouded by his emotions.
“Hey, Akutagawa-kun, are you in the Archery club?”
During the cleanup duty time of the same day, I chatted with my classmate Akutagawa-kun.
“Yes.”
Right now Akutagawa-kun is carrying the table. He answered emotionlessly with an adult-like
deep voice.
He is not mad at my intrusion; he has always been very economic with his words. I have never
seen him laugh loudly. With his cool look, he probably is very popular with the girls. When I
walked to his side and lifted my head to look at him, I found that he was completely different
from me. He is very tall, his arms and his shoulders are very strongly-built, and his face is also
very cool looking. He really is a handsome fellow.
“Among the third years in the Archery Club, is there a student called Shuuji Kataoka?”
Akutagawa thought about this a bit, and impassively answered-
“No, I do not know.”
“Eh? What? Did I make a mistake with the name? Is there a person that has nicknames like „Suuchan‟
or „Kajuu senpai‟?”
“There is someone name Fujimura Shuuya in the club, but he is in 2nd year, not 3rd year. Also, I
don‟t think anyone calls him „Suu chan‟ or „Kajuu senpai‟.”
“Eeh, really? Is there anyone else with the name Suu?”
“I don‟t recall.”
What is going on? Did Takeda-san make a mistake with the name? But, this explanation would
only work before she confesses; she confessed already, they even write letters to one another,
they probably talked a lot as well. I suppose it is possible that she misremembered the name.
Akutagawa finally finished moving the tables. He turned towards me.
“That Shuuji-senpai you mentioned, what happened?”
“Let‟s see… I heard about him from someone I know. Then, is it all right if I accompany you to
the club room for a drop in?”
“Ah. Sometimes we have students who are interested in joining dropping in to our practice
sessions.”
“Then, is today fine with you? But I don‟t plan on joining the club…can I still drop in?”
“……It should be fine. I will notify the club teacher.”
“Thanks, Akutagawa-kun.”
The practice range for the archery club is the old dojo beside the gymnasium. At the front there
are five target boards. In addition, there are a few targets that are made of hay. Each haystack has
a pole sticking through it, with a board behind it as support. A few worn tatami were laid side by
side.
Some club members are wearing white clothing with breast plates for the top and black hakama
for the bottom. They are all currently practicing archery. Standing beside them are the remaining
club members. There are about 10 of them; each person is wearing their PE uniforms, and holds
a few chunky rubber arrows. Everywhere there are shouts of
“Ashibumi!””Dozukuri!””Yugamae~!” They are probably first year students.
Akutagawa-kun has also changed into his practice uniform. He walked towards me and said-
“I got the permit. Don‟t wander off; it could be dangerous here.”
“Ok, got it.”
At the moment, a loud snap pierced through my ears- an arrow had hit a tatami.
“Uwaa…the sound is so loud. It is pretty intense when you are near.”
Takeda-san once said that when Shuuji-senpai‟s arrow hit its target, it felt as if her heart had
been hit at the same time.
“Yeah…that‟s right. Most people are surprised when they first experience it.”
Akutagawa-kun said emotionlessly. Afterwards, because he also had to practice, he had taken
leave.
I just stood behind everyone and observed their practice.
The male and female members of the archery club all practice together. The division is about
half and half. There are numerous members, just from looking there are about 50 people.
One of them must be Takeda-san‟s love at first sight person, „Shuuji-senpai‟.
(Unn…if it is love at first sight, then he must be very good looking. If that‟s the case, that person
won‟t be him. Not him either. That person doesn‟t seem to match the description either….)
As the verification went on I put my head in my hands.
I was confused. The number of possible candidates was decreasing drastically.
(If I have to pick the best looking guy in the club, no matter how I look at it, Akutagawa-kun is
the winner. But Takeda-san said that Shuuji-senpai differs from his serious look- he is very
friendly, and socializes with many people. Akutagawa-kun could hardly be described as
friendly…people from our class even described him as cold. What if he becomes lively when he
comes to the club? Uhnn…uhnnn…..)
At the end, I failed to identify Shuuji-senpai.
During a break in the practice, Akutagawa-kun came to me and said in a low and passive vice-
“I asked the club president whether there is a member called Shuuji, but he said he doesn‟t know.”
The mystery mystified.
I thanked Akutagawa-kun and headed towards the literature club.
“Ku-shun~”
The sound of a cute sneeze entered my ears as I walked into the club room.
“Ku-shun~ Gusu….zuzu….”
Tooko-senpai pulled a Kleenex from the tissue box, and wiped her nose.
“Ah, good afternoon, Konoha-kun. Ku-shu~!”
She sneezed, and then wiped her nose.
The waste bin next to her feet was filled with pink used Kleenex.
Ah~~, she really got a cold from being soaked in the rain.
“This…umbrella, thanks.”
I handed her the purple umbrella. Tooko-senpai, with her Rudolf-like red nose and teary eyes,
smiled at me.
“No problem. I put your umbrella back into the drawer. Thanks for letting me keep it for so long.”
“You seem to have a cold…are you all right?”
“No worries, no worries. Yesterday in the bath I was reading Cartland‟s „The Haunted Heart‟
I was so into it that I didn‟t notice that the bath water had turned cold. But don‟t worry, I will be
fine soon.”
“If the bath water turned cold, you should have gotten out. Moreover, wouldn‟t the book become
wet and damp?”
“That‟s why it is another kind of delicacy. It is as if you are dipping biscuits into pink red
champagne, right?”
“I don‟t think there exists a soap or shampoo flavored champagne.”
“Gosh, you really have no dreams. Ku-shun~…zuzu…But Konoha-kun, you are late today. Was
it your turn to be on cleaning duty again?”
“That…I was not on duty. I went to the Archery Club to observe.”
“Zuzuz…guzu…the Archery Club?”
Tooko-senpai covered her face with her nose, tilted her head, and looked at me. Her braids, like
cat tails, softly dangled on her back.
“Here‟s what happened…”
I told her about yesterday‟s incident with the crying Takeda-san, and how I failed to find Shuujisenpai
in the Archery Club today.
“What…”
Tooko-senpai was speechless.
Then, as she thought about what that meant, she said-
“The computer in the library should have a complete list of students‟ names. Let‟s go to the
library.”
Kotobuki was manning the library‟s circulation desk.
“Ah”
After she saw me, she started staring at me as if demanding what I was doing here.
“Kotobuki-san, could I use the computer?”
“Only a few people are using the computers today, the computers are not occupied.”
“Thank you.”
“Ku-shun. Sorry.”
We passed through the help desk and headed to the computer section. We picked an empty
station.
“Konoha-kun, please do it. I am not very compatible with machines.”
Tooko-senpai‟s voice was filled with dread.
“Compatible...All we are doing is searching!”
Using the mouse, I opened Sejiou School‟s name list, and started to search for „Shuuji Kataoka‟.
The mouse cursor momentarily changed to an hourglass and then a warning saying „Record not
found‟ appeared.
Then, I searched for the name „Shuuji‟.
That failed as well.
Then I searched for the name „Kataoka‟. Seven records were returned. Four of them are female,
and of the remaining 3, none of the males have the first name „Shuuji‟. Not even a name that
sounds remotely close.
Tooko-senpai and I turned and looked at each other.
What‟s going on?
Not only does the person Shuuji Kataoka not exist in the Archery Club, he does not exist in this
school.
The next day, during the break after the first period, Takeda-san appeared in my classroom. She
held the notebook, with a duck printed on its cover, to her chest.
“Good Mor--ning~~, Konoha-senpai. I am here to get the letters.”
While ignoring Kotobuki-san‟s stare, I dragged Takeda-san to the corner of the hallway.
“There is no letter today.”
“Eh, why?”
“Shuuji-senpai does not exist in this school.”
“Eeeeeeeeeh”
Takeda-san‟s eyes opened wide. She did not seem to be acting, she genuinely seemed to be
shocked. Then, with a laugh, she amusingly said-
“Gosh, what are you talking about, Konoha-senpai. Of course Shuuji-senpai exists in this school!”
“But I couldn‟t find a person named Shuuji Kataoka in the Archery Club, nor could I find him in
the school student list. Takeda-san, who have you been giving the letters to?”
Takeda-san still cheerfully answered me-
“To Shuuji Senpai!”
Her expression and voice showed that she was not at all bothered by my question. So much so
that I was starting to think that perhaps I had made a mistake. A feeling of unease swelled up
inside me.
“Shuuji-senpai is rea~~~~~~lly in the Archery Club!”
“Bu-But…”
“Chia always keeps Shuuji-senpai‟s letters with her all the time. Here.”[TL note: note that Chia
is talking about herself in third person term, as is common in Japanese for people to act cute
(Why yes I am a cynic. Why did you ask?)]
Takeda-san opened the duck notebook she has been holding with her arms. She took out one of
the envelopes inside it and showed it to me. The white envelope was of a simple design. There
was no receiver‟s name. All that was written on it were the words „From: Kataoka Shuuji‟.
Takeda-san then took out the letter in it.
The letter was a simple piece of white paper as well. There seemed to be three pieces of paper
folded together.
Now that I noticed it, yesterday Takeda-san also mentioned about the letters Shuuji gave her. At
that time she only said „The letter is…‟, and then she became dispirited and fell silent.
She also said that something was bothering Shuuji-senpai.
The letter was probably about that, right?
Takeda-san‟s expression seemed a bit hesitant. With a look of unease I occasionally see from her,
she looked at me. Then, as if she had made a decision, she held the letters out to me.
“Konoha-senpai. It‟s true. I haven‟t made a mistake. Please read the letter. Shuuji-senpai is…in
despair right now….but I am an idiot; I couldn‟t understand…so…so…please, Konoha-senpai,
please help him.”
With a shaken voice, she sincerely confessed to me. Even though on the outside she seems very
outgoing; perhaps inside her stress level has already reached what she could handle by herself.
Perhaps Takeda-san too is seeking someone to help her. Maybe that‟s why right now she is
looking at me feebly.
I knew, after I read the letter, I would not be able to back out.
Right now, the act of reading the letter is only for the purpose of assisting and helping Takedasan.
I only want to help her. Nothing more.
To be able to live a quiet and eventless life is my biggest wish.
Sticking into other people‟s problems is a very foolish action. Sorry, I am not a person who can
handle such a heavy burden. This is what I should have said to her. I should have said that,
turned around, and left.
But that too seems to be too late. Does Shuuji Kataoka truly exist? …...Why is this happening?
Even I want to know the answer to this.
I accepted the letter and opened it. The tips of my fingers were numbed. I could even smell a
sweet scent.
“Mine has been a life of much shame.
On me, one could not find a trait that makes a human human.
Such as kindness, empathy, sympathy- emotions that a human should have.”
“I am wearing the mask of a clown. I killed myself trying to make those around me laugh,
hoping that no one thinks that I am harmful. But, as the lies piled on top of one another, my heart
became emptier and emptier.
“On that day, I killed a man. The soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red
blood spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene.
I killed a man.
Perhaps even God does not want to save me.”
“It‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟
After school I went to Literature Club room.
After Tooko-senpai read the letter, she unequivocally said.
“„Ningen Shikkaku‟, it‟s by Dazai Osamu, right?”
“Yes. The line „Mine has been a life of much shame‟ is what the main character of „Ningen
Shikkaku‟ said in the first line of the novel. Also, other sentences seemed to refer to „Ningen
Shikkaku‟ as well.”
After Tooko-senpai said that, „Ku-shu‟, she sneezed again.
After a night of rest she got better, but she hasn‟t healed completely yet. Her eyes keep on rolling
around. “In other words, the event described in the letter did not really happen; it was only an
imitation of the novel?”
I hope such is the case. When I received the letter from Takeda-san‟s hands and read it, the
content seemed very twisted and beyond help. I felt that I had been tossed into a truly black
abyss.
This is the grim confession and repentance of a boy named Shuuji Kataoka.
Since he was small, Shuuji lacked the emotional traits others possessed.
Why would one feel happy?
Why would one feel dislike?
And, what‟s the definition of like? What‟s the definition of dislike?
A close relative of his died. At the funeral, everyone was crying. But he didn‟t feel sad at all. A
friend was going to move away, everyone was feeling bad. Except for him. When a puppy and a
little baby appeared, everyone said it is so cute. Only he failed to comprehend, why do they like
such humans or animals. As these kinds of events happened more and more, he started to lose a
sense of humanity, instead he felt that he was a cursed monster.
The failure of understanding other people's emotional processes made him feel fear, despair, and
pain.
If everyone found out that he was a monster, what would they do?
Because of fear, he remains a clown. A clown that does his best to cheer up others. A clown that
tries his hardest to make others like him.
Those around him were fooled by his acting. He naturally became a popular person in his social
circle. But deep inside him, he was clenched by a powerful sense of shame. This brought
immense pain to him.
Lying is shameful. Deviancy is also shameful. In his letter Shuuji Kataoka repeatedly described
his inner pain.
“So ashamed.
I feel so ashamed.
Just the act of living brings me shame.”
Only one person saw through Shuuji‟s clown trick.
Shuuji referred to that person as S. In the letter, he said that person understands him the best, yet
at the same time it will be S who brings Shuuji to his destruction.
“Only one person, only S, through his intelligent eyes, made me realize I am merely a clown.”
“One day, S will cause me to go on the path of destruction.”
“One day, S quietly said to me. Your girlfriend, do you honestly love her?”
The letter ended here.
Who is „her‟ the letter referred to? Who is „S‟? I have no idea.
What kind of answer did Shuuji give S?
When I finished the letter, for some reason my chest felt very stuffed. I have felt like this before.
After hearing what Tooko-senpai said, however, I felt relived.
(This is the reason. This letter started with a reference to „Ningen Shikkaku‟.)
When I was in junior high, I read this most notable work of Dazai Osamu. My first impression of
the book is that the name is very dark. The reason I chose to read the book is because it was one
of the 4 assigned readings for the summer holiday. After I picked a book, I was supposed to read
it and write a report on it. Perhaps I was at an age of wanting to grow up, I picked the hardest
book to read.
But back then I was only a junior high school student, I was not mature enough yet. So I didn‟t
really understand the pain the main character went through. The main character keeps on
confessing for his melancholic life, but I didn‟t get it one bit. At the end I chose another book for
my report.
Even that was a very long time ago, but deep in my mind I still seem to recall the content of the
book. So when I read Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter, I had a deja vu moment with it.
“Ku-shu~”
Tooko-senpai has started sneezing again.
“Uhnnn… In my opinion this letter did not completely copy Dazai‟s book. The author is only
using „Ningen Shikkaku‟ as a vehicle to express his feelings so that others can know his true self,
I think.”
“If that‟s the case, he said he killed a person, could this be true? And he said he wants to die,
that‟s true as well?”
“If he really did kill someone, then things are very bad.”
No matter how you put it, Shuuji Kataoka does not merely „have a little something bothering
him.‟ I must help him as soon as possible. The killing part may only be a delusion, but the act of
fantasizing such a thing is already dangerous enough. Moreover, for someone who is in so much
despair, so much self-disdain, how could he live on?
“Dazai Osamu commited suicide a month after he completed „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Looking at this,
things do not look good.”
This letter feels almost as if it is a will. Shuuji Kataoka must be planning to commit suicide;
that‟s why he wrote such a letter to Takeda-san, right?
Tooko-senpai is sitting in her chair, both arms hugging her knees. Her right thumb is pushing on
her lips as she falls into deep thought.
“Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟ is composed of „Prologue‟, „The First Handnote‟, „The
Second Handnote‟, „The Third Handnote‟, and finally „Epilogue‟. It was published in June, July,
and August editions of „Tenbou‟. The beginning of the story, „Prologue‟, and the confession of
the main character „Youzou during his teen‟, „The First Handnote‟, were published in the May
edition. A month later, on June 13th, Dazai Osamu, with his lover, Yamazaki Tomie, jumped
into Tamagawa Jousui and drowned…”
Tooko-senpai's gaze moved far away. Her lips, like a mechanism, rhythmically moved.
“The second part of the story was published during the search period. On June 19th, their corpses
were found. „The Third Handnote‟ and the concluding „Epilogue‟ were published a month later
in the July edition. „Ningen Shikkaku‟ can be said to be a bibliography of Dazai‟s life.
The main character was born in a rural well-known traditional family. He was ashamed and
afraid of his deviancy, so he plays a bogus clown. Later on he even turned to dangerous social
movements. But halfway through he quit. He started to despise himself. To escape from his
despair, he chose to live a sinful life.
During that time, he and a waitress of a cafe decided to commit suicide together. The waitress
died, but he managed to survive. Because of it, he turned even more inward. He became even
more self-doubting and in despair. In the end, he returned to his poor, inward, fruitless life style.
Even his innocent wife was polluted by him. The main character became heavily addicted to
drugs. His friends sent him to an asylum, where he ended up as a docile being.
The author Dazai Osamu was also from a rural forest‟s landowner family. He too had joined
social movements because he wondered whether he would remain as a rich heir for life. He had
also tried to commit suicide with a cafe‟s waitress, but that too failed.
That time Dazai Osamu was saved, but the waitress died. Afterwards, he married Geisha Oyama
Hatsuyo, who followed him from their home town. But after he learned of Hatsuyo‟s past, he
was traumatized. He tried to kill himself, but again that failed. Afterwards, because of his heavy
drug addiction, he was admitted into Musahino Hospital.
After his release, he wrote the basis of „Ningen Shikkaku‟, „Human Lost‟. Not long after that, he
tried to commit suicide again with his wife Hatsuyo, but as before he failed.
Following this, Dazai Osamu wrote many famous and incredible works. He became a wellknown
writer. 10 years passed, and he finally rewrote and completed „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
Immediately after the completion, he committed suicide. This time Dazai Osamu and his female
companion were not revived. This is why everyone thinks „Ningen Shikkaku‟ is Dazai Osamu‟s
will.”
Tooko Senpai turned her gentle gaze toward me, and asked:
“Konoha, have you ever read Dazai Osamu‟s works?”
“I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Also included in the textbook there are „Hashire Merosu‟ and
„Fugaku Hyakkei‟ right?”
“From what I can remember, „Hashire Merosu‟ is usually put into social ethnic textbooks. It is a
good article, but it just doesn‟t taste right……un Ku-shu!~ Ku-shu~ !Ku-shu~!”
She probably said too much all at once, so she sneezed non-stop multiple times.
“You all right?”
“Hm, I am fine…zu zu. So, Konoha, what do you think of Dazai Osamu after reading his works?”
“I don‟t really understand. The prologue alone made me feel burdened…but in contrast „Hashire
Merosu‟ made me feel fired up. The ending is far too casual, I wasn‟t touched by it; instead I was
startled. For „Fugaku Hyakkei‟, I only remember the scenes when the pictures were taken. After I
read the story, I felt very happy. Moreover, the pacing of the story feels very rhythmic. It is very
relaxing to read it. You almost feel like you are conversing with the author.”
“Exactly, that‟s one of the most attractive traits of Dazai‟s works!”
Tooko-senpai wiped her nose with a pink red Kleenex, squeezed the used paper into a tiny
sphere, and threw it into the garbage bin. Then, with an enthusiastic tone, she continued:
“Dazai‟s works often make their readers feel as if they are in an intimate and realistic
conversation with the author. The story that was based on Judas, „Kakekomi Uttae‟, reads like a
transcription. The intense dialogues were shooting out so fast one has trouble following them.
This is an incredible way to set up the events. This kind of subsurface second person point of
view is Dazai Osamu‟s greatest magic. It is „resonance‟ between the author and his works.”
“Resonance?”
“Yes. Dazai was an author with polarized comments towards him. Even though to people who
dislike his works, his works are too dark, melancholic, and heavy. But to people who like him, he
is a very attractive author. One could not help but fall in love with him. In fact, following his
death, each year on the day of his death, his readers would hold a Outouki [TL note: a gathering
to mourn for his death]. Even up to this day many people still join the gathering. By having such
devoted fans, I think it shows he has qualities that few literature giants possess. [TL: I know the
last line is not translated properly, but this is the best I could do.]
Why do the fans love Dazai so much? It is because the readers can see their worries and pain
reflected from Dazai‟s works?
„Aa, I understand this. I am like this as well. This person is the same as me….‟ When the readers
read his works they often think like this.
Dazai‟s works have the magic to summon this resonance.
No matter who it is, everyone wants to be understood by others. Each person wants to seek that
special person.
Deviancy can be a scary thing. Loneliness too is very miserable. Dazai‟s works can often, at this
moment, directly converse with the inner hearts of its readers. As you flip the pages, you merge
with the author. Together you will experience the world of the story. Aaaa, it‟s like it‟s my own
story. The main character of the story is me…you just can‟t help but think like this.
According to legends, when Dazai was alive, his readers often wrote letters or diaries to him to
reveal their worries. Sometimes he even combined his readers‟ stories with his books. The story
about a normal girl‟s one day of life, „Joseito‟, was based on the diary of his reader, „Ariake
Shzuko no Nikki‟. Due to the influence of Dazai‟s works, even her writing style is similar to him.
It is quite believable if you say this is part of Dazai‟s works.”
“Shuuji Kataoka probably experienced the same resonance with „Ningen Shikkaku‟. Is that the
reason why he wrote this letter?”
“That‟s possible. Maybe he sees similarities between him and the main character. This is the
attraction and at the same time terrifying quality of Dazai‟s stories…when you are already in a
depressed mood, if you read this book, it is very likely that it will push you over the line and into
the darkest sea…”
Shuuji Kataoka too is enticed by Dazai, and fell into this painful state.
“But, this letter ended halfway. Would it be like „Ningen Shikkaku‟ and have second and third
handnotes?”
“Ku-shu, gosh. If that is the case, if his problem is not solved before the appearance of the
second handnote, he may really commit suicide.”
“Please don‟t say something that can jinx it.”
“But, just by reading his letter you feel as if you have nowhere else to go…No matter how
hungry I am I won‟t touch this letter. If I eat this poisonous letter, I too may want to kill myself.”
Tooko-senpai shuddered.
“Then who is S that he mentioned in the letter? And what about „her‟…does that mean Takedasan?
More importantly, where is Shuuji Kataoka?”
“That‟s right. This is the number one problem. We must see Shuuji-senpai as soon as possible. If
he really is planning to kill or commit suicide, we must stop him.”
“In the end…the only person who can do it is Takeda-san…”
The following day was a Saturday, school was closed.
On the following Monday, during the break after the first period, Takeda-san, with her lively
footsteps, appeared outside the classroom door.
“Konoha-senpai, could I have the letters now?~~”
To the giggling, happier than usual Takeda-san, I cut to the chase.
“Sorry, I can‟t write the letters. I need to know more about Shuuji-senpai, or else I can‟t write
them.”
The smile on Takeda-san‟s face disappeared. Her eyes looked like a puppy's that has been
abandoned.
“About Shuuji-senpai, could you tell me more about him? Please tell me everything you know
about him. I will write the letters after.
“…”
Takeda-san lowered her head.
Her fingers were twisted together, and she kept on flexing them.
“After school…can you come to the library? I will be waiting for you in the basement book
storage room.”
The old spiral staircase creaked as I walked down it. At the bottom there was a grey door.
I knocked on it.
“Come in.”
A voice from inside answered.
As I slowly pulled the door knob backward, I smelled a sweet scent.
It‟s not the smell of cream or chocolate- it‟s the smell of old books.
The room was covered in dust. There were cobwebs all over the ceiling. Two or three
bookshelves were standing in the room, with many stacks of books lying on the floor.
This place was like a graveyard for books. In the middle of the crowded room there was a worn
desk and a chair. The lamp on the desk was turned on, and it alone illuminated the whole room.
Takeda-san was sitting in front of the table and was writing on something. With a „Pah‟ she
closed her duck notebook and quietly looked at me. Beside the notebook there was a coffee mug.
The drawing on that mug was the same as the notebook‟s- they both have a little duck on them.
“This room has cockroaches and mice.”
A light smile appeared on Takeda-san as she said that.
I looked at the bottom of my feet with unease.
“That‟s why the other library assistants dislike this place and don‟t want to be here; I treat this
place as a secret room and often stay in here.”
“…Is, is that right.”
“Konoha-senpai, you dislike roaches?”
“…I don‟t think anyone likes them.”
“That‟s true, I‟ve never heard of things like Cockroach lovers club, or cockroaches‟ enthusiasts‟
website.”
“…If I have to compare, mice terrify me more than roaches. When I was in elementary school I
once stayed in my aunt‟s rural home. One day when I woke up I saw a dead mouse next to my
pillow. When I shifted my body position, my face rested against the mouse‟s corpse. Even
though this turned out to be the doing of my aunt‟s cat…uhhh, now I am reminded of that
sensation.”
I shuddered as I recalled the still warm, blood soaked body of the mouse.
“Ah, that was a disaster. But mice „only occasionally appear‟, so there is nothing to worry about.
If one does appear, I will help you chase it away.”
With a thud, Takeda-san banged her chest with her hand.
“Thanks, I feel much better.”
“Ah, Konoha-senpai, would you like some tea?”
Takeda-san took out an orange water jug, twisted off the lid, and poured an amber colored
beverage into it.
“Here, this is roast tea.”
“You have a traditional hobby.”
“Hehehe, sometimes I sneak in here just to have tea.”
The thermal jug kept the roast tea at the best temperature; it was good.
“Thank you.”
I put the lid onto the table and, from my pocket, I took out Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter that Takedasan
loaned me yesterday.
“…First of all, you can have it back.”
“…”
Takeda-san silently received the letter. She slipped it into her duck notebook, and tightly held the
notebook to her chest.
“I apologize in advance if I am mistaken. I don‟t think the letter was meant for Takeda-san. It
was written to someone else, is that correct?”
Takeda-san‟s finger jolted.
“The letter does not contain the recipient's name. In addition, judging from the content, I don‟t
think the letter was written to you.”
“…That‟s right.”
Takeda-san muttered.
“Shuuji-senpai didn‟t give me the letter. I found it by coincidence in a book.”
“A book, from the library?”
“Yes, it was slipped in between Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟. I was curious, so I read it
and was shaken by it. It bothered me a lot and I couldn‟t stand it, so I went to find Shuuji-senpai.”
“In the Archery Club?”
Takeda-san slightly hesitated, and then forcefully nodded.
“…Yes.”
“But the Archery Club does not have a member named Shuuji Kataoka…”
“No, Shuuji-senpai exists.”
She lifted her head and said intensely.
“It‟s true. Shuuji-senpai does exist.”
I don‟t understand.
Why does Takeda-san insist that Shuuji Kataoka really exists?
Also, what is the true identity of the Shuuji Kataoka that Takeda-san claimed existed?
Or is Shuuji Kataoka invisible to me and only Takeda-san can see him? That‟s scary.
Takeda-san put the notebook back onto the table and kept her face down completely.
A strenuous silence filled this underground room.
I felt as if a mouse was squeaking near us. I tried to change the topic.
“Then, the opening of that letter has its dues from Dazai Osamu‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟‟s content,
do you know?”
“…Yes. After I finished the letter, I borrowed „Ningen Shikkaku' and finished it as well.”
Takeda-san smiled weakly.
“But, I am an idiot. Even though I finished „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I am still unable to comprehend
the story. Why does this person feel so much pain…He is rich enough to hire house cleaners.
Every time his father goes to Tokyo, he always buys presents for his family. His siblings, friends,
and teachers all like him. He is smart and writes many fun works. Women love him; some are
even willing to die with him. Why would he feel he is so shameful that he does not deserve to
live? This is-too strange. He rants too much. There is no point in living so painfully.”
A grievous expression appeared on Takeda-san‟s face. Her eyes shone with loneliness. Halfway
through her talk, she lowered her head. Her shoulders were shaking greatly, her lips continued to
slowly shift.
“…That‟s all I can think of, I am so useless. I am so dumb. It‟s true, I am really common, and
my head is not good, I am useless. Dazai Osamu and Shuuji-senpai‟s yearning for death, even if I
spent a lifetime thinking about why, I still wouldn‟t understand. I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟ from
front to back 5 times, yet I still don‟t understand…so at last, all I could do is cry.”
Takeda-san‟s grief quietly stained my chest.
To understand the person you love.
But is unable to.
Unable to understand the pain the other person is going through, I once had that experience.
Takeda-san‟s throat, as if trying to swallow her tears, gave out „thumping‟ noises. Then she took
the duck mug with her hands.
“…This cup, was a birthday present from my friend; Shii-chan is my best friend. She differs
from me. She is very smart and competent…She said I am like this duck, I always look clueless,
and am always tripping in places that have nothing to trip over...
I know that I am just a common idiot….but I really want to help Shuuji-senpai. Anything I can
do for him, I will do my best to complete it.”
Her fierce determination can be seen through her tone.
At least in Takeda-san‟s heart, Shuuji-senpai does exist. Takeda-san really does love Shuujisenpai.
Seeing such a show of emotion from her, I cannot find anything to counter.
“I don‟t understand „Ningen Shikkaku‟ either.”
I could only say this.
Takeda-san lifted her head and, with her close to breakdown, close to crying, looked at me.
Her lips shook softly.
Would Takeda-san come and take refuge with me, just like what she did on that rainy day? I
wondered.
But, all I could hear was a soft squeak from her throat. Both ends of her lips rose and she smiled
at me.
“Eheh, ehehe…….That‟s why. In the eyes of commoners like you and I, those who are born into
a wealthy family and still feel ashamed of themselves…they really do look stupid. Ehehe”
She tried her hardest to squeeze out a smile, but it did not feel cheerful at all. At last she started
crying again.
“Konoha-senpai…your, senpai‟s face, I like it.”
“Wh- why all of a sudden-”
Her tear covered yet smiling face looked at me, then slowly said:
“Konoha-senpai‟s face….looks very beautiful, very gentle.”
Even though I had been mocked that I look like a girl before, this is the first time someone said I
was beautiful. I was becoming flustered.
“Takeda-san, that‟s a strange thing to say.”
“Eheh, I need to ask Konoha-senpai for a favour. Tomorrow after school, could you accompany
me to the Archery Club?”
Takeda-san‟s voice was so forceful that I was taken aback.
“Please come with me to the Archery Club. I will take you to Shuuji-senpai.”
◇ ◇ ◇
S is dangerous.
S sees through everything.
S will destroy me one day.
One day, I will be killed by S.
What a blissful occurrence that will be!
◇ ◇ ◇
That night, in my own room, I repeatedly read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, and I fell into deep thought.
(The Archery Club does not have someone called Shuuji Kataoka. So who does Takeda-san plan
to show me? Or have I been mistaken all along?)
Despite being a few years since I read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I still think the story is so hopelessly
distressing. Nevertheless, perhaps I have grown more mature in the past few years, so I can sort
of relate to the main character‟s thoughts.
Ahh, when I noticed that I am thinking „Ah, I thought of that before‟ or „The main character is
the same as me‟, I was startled.
(Yikes, have I fallen for Dazai‟s magic as well?)
“Konoha, the phone.”
My mother called me from downstairs.
I lifted the extension; The caller was Tooko-senpai.
“Ku-shu, hello, Konoha-kun?”
It‟s probably because she forced herself to go to school before, Tooko-senpai‟s cold got a lot
more serious today. By the second period she had to take sick leave and went home. Before she
went she, with unsteady steps, came to find me.
“I will leave Chia-chan to you. Don‟t put too much emotion into it. Don‟t bully Chia-chan. If a
ghost appears, escape as fast as you can. If anything happens phone me immediately, here is my
phone number.”
Following that, she wrote her phone number on my right hand with an oil-based marker.
“Ku-shu, ku-shu. That‟s great, you got home alright. Why didn‟t you phone me? I was worried
that you might have been eaten by a ghost. Ku-shu”
I was lying on my bed and looked at the phone number Tooko-senpai wrote on my hand.
Even if she didn‟t write it, I could have found her phone number in the club member list
(because there are only two members). Knowing that, however, Tooko-senpai still grabbed my
hand and, with tears in her eyes due to her constant sneezing, very solemnly wrote on my hand.
Tooko-senpai‟s hands were unsettlingly hot and damp from sweat.
“Because you are still on your sick bed, I thought I shouldn‟t bother you. How do you feel now?”
“I am fine already. Anyway so how did the talk with Chia go?”
This person‟s definition of „fine‟ is absolutely untrustworthy. As I recalled her past reckless
actions, I told her of the incident with Takeda-san.
When Tooko-senpai heard that Takeda-san and I were going to go to the Archery club, Tookosenpai
was shocked.
“Maybe Shuuji-senpai‟s ghost will appear! Konoha-kun, you must not forget to bring salt [TL
note: In traditional Japan, salt is used to chase away evil „beings‟].”
Why does she always think of ghosts? Do you befriend ghosts? If there exists a book eating
monster in this world, I suppose it wouldn‟t be strange for ghosts to exist as well.
I told her that after I reread „Ningen Shikkaku‟ I seemed to have fallen for it a bit. She sneezed,
and then started to chuckle:
“I too fell into the dark with the main character when I was in a baaaaaaaaad mood. Dazai‟s
magic is truly very fierce.”
“Tooko-senpai, you actually get depressed from time to time as well?”
“Yeah, when I was told that I have the Love Daisatsukai.”
“Hahaha”
“And when everyone was eating fruit sundae, but only I thought it tasted horrible…”
This time I didn‟t laugh. Foods that everyone thinks are delicious—to Tooko-senpai, they are
just tasteless inorganic objects.
Just like the main character of „Ningen Shikkaku‟, who is unable to experience the emotion
others can feel, and thus was tortured by it; foods that others find delicious, and yet you alone
taste nothing. This is very lonely.
Tooko-senpai sneezed again, and cheerfully said:
“So I used my imagination to imagine myself eating a delicious book, and say „Wha, so
delicious‟.”
“Because you are the bungaku shoujo.”
“Ehen, that‟s right. Ah, but about „Ningen Shikkaku‟, there is one part I couldn‟t understand.”
“Which part?”
“This part-‟I do not know the feeling of an empty stomach‟. I tried my beeeeest to imagine it, but
I just couldn‟t understand that feeling…Aha, I have been chatting with Konoha-kun for so long, I
am starting to get hungry again. Ku-shu!”
“…”
Even when she has a cold; even when she is in a bad mood; Tooko-senpai always behaves like
Tooko-senpai.
I told her to consume more Vitamin C to fight the cold, and then I hung up.
A book that is filled with Vitamin C…What would that book be like?
On the following day, perhaps due to her condition, Tooko-senpai did not come to school.
After class, Takeda-san came to my classroom to meet up with me.
“Then, let‟s go, Konoha-senpai.”
She seemed so happy, it was as if we were going to an amusement park.
“What the, Inoue is going on a date?”
“No way, nope.”
I only smiled and rejected the leers from my classmates.
Kotobuki-san was still staring at me coldly. „And he claimed he was not going out with her.
What a liar [TL note: the original word is a slang/saying- I am too lazy to explain it. Suffice to
say it means liar.].‟ She must be thinking that.
Under the influence of Takeda-san‟s pulling, I stepped out of the classroom.
“Then, is Shuuji-senpai really in the Archery Club?”
“You‟ve come already, and you are still asking that question? Everything is perfect!”
Perfect? What‟s perfect!?
With unease loomimg over me, we came to the Archery club.
“Excuse me~~~, we are here to observe~”
At the entrance of the practice ranch, Takeda-san loudly declared.
“Hey, Chia-chan, long time no see.”
“Hey hey you‟ve even brought your boyfriend with you. Big bro is really surprised, Chia-chan.”
The club members all ran to us and intimately greeted her. Takeda-san seems to be a frequent
visitor here.
(So Takeda-san always comes to the Archery Club to see Shuuji-senpai…)
I am becoming more and more confused.
The club members brought two chairs for us, so Takeda-san and I sat down.
Whenever someone hit the red center target, Takeda-san would cheer:
“Uwha, that‟s great~, nice~!”
And she would clap.
In the middle of the process, the fully changed Akutagawa-kun saw me. A strange expression
appeared on his face.
I nodded at him, he also greeted me back. Judging from Akutagawa-kun‟s personality, I don‟t
think he would gossip to our classmates. Nonetheless, if he mistakes the act of me coming along
with Takeda-san to see them practice, I would still be pretty embarrassed.
I quietly asked Takeda-san:
“Hey, who is Shuuji-senpai?”
“I am looking for him. Ah, that person!”
Following the direction she was pointing, I saw the person she was pointing to was Akutagawakun,
who was pulling the bow string towards him. His back was straight and expression was
serious. He looked very cool.
“Eeeeh, Akutagawa-kun was Shuuji-senpai?”
“Eeeeeeeh? Does Konoha-senpai know him?”
“We are classmates. Why is Akutagawa-kun Shuuji-senpai? Akutagawa-kun is a 2nd year
student. Also he is a strenuous person that has never even joked once in his life.”
“Aa, he does give you that feeling. He is probably a practitioner of Stoicism.”
Takeda-san just kept on giggling.
“It‟s not him! I only wanted to tell Konoha-senpai that he is the best of the Archery Club.”
*zubantsu*
The arrow Akutagawa-kun shot hit the red center.
“Kya~~~~! Amazing! It was dead center~~~~!”
Takeda-san jumped up and cheered.
“Hey, hey, he is very skilled!”
I was getting a bit irritated.
“~~~~Tsu. Takeda-san, we are not spies from other schools‟ archery clubs, nor are we members
of the Journalism Club who are interviewing club members for our newspaper articles.”
“I know that. Chia and Konoha-senpai came here to see Shuuji-senpai.”
“Then where is Shuuji-senpai?”
“That…”
Takeda-san sweeps through the ranch once with her eyes.
“Hello, everyone [TL note: the original word is 後輩諸君 (Kohai Shokun), which translates to
„all you juniors‟]! Are you guys practicing hard?”
Four or five adults came over here.
“Ah, Manabe-senpai!”
“Hello everyone, we graduated senpai have come to visit~”
“Good day, Manabe-senpai!”
“Oi, have you gotten any better, Kashiwagi?”
“Yes. I practiced with the instructions senpai gave me, and the arrows really do fly straight when
I do that!”
“Good! Show it to me later.”
“Please do!”
“Soeda-senpai and Rihoko-senpai, long time no see as well.”
“Yo, we are here to bother you guys again.”
“Fufu, it‟s been such a long time. So nostalgic~~~”
“Rihoko-senpai I heard the expected delivery date is around next year, congratulations!”
“Thank you. It‟s a bit early to say that. I quit my job last week, so I am free these days. I will
come visit you all next month as well.”
“Hey hey, is that all right, Rihoko? Don‟t push yourself!”
“Ufufu, Manabe-kun is always so worried.”
They seemed to be past graduates who came back to see how their kouhai were doing. There was
only one female among them; the rest were males.
“I heard that every month the past alumnus would visit and mentor current club members.”
Takeda-san explained to me.
“The handsome guy with the moustache at the ends of the mouth is Manabe-senpai. Ten years
ago, he was the captain that led the club to second place in the national finals. Every now and
then he summons his former teammates to help mentor these students.”
“You know a lot about it.”
“Because I come here often. I can be said to be the cheerleader of the Archery Club.”
Takeda-san said proudly. Aah, we are getting off topic again. When will I finally meet Shuujisenpai?
At that instant-
“Shuuji….!”
A terrified shout reached my ears.
I hurriedly looked around.
Has Shuuji-senpai finally appeared?
But no matter where I looked, I couldn‟t find a suitable candidate.
“What Shuuji! Don‟t be stupid!”
“That‟s impossible!”
Other graduates also shouted with horror in their voices.
Where? Where is he?
Suddenly I smelled a mixed scent of sweat and tobacco. Someone, with both his hands, grabbed
my face and swung it upward.
That moustached man, with his wide open eyes, stared at me. He is one of the graduates,
Manabe-senpai.
“Shuuji…”
From Manabe-san‟s mouth I both smelled a scent of tobacco and heard his coarse voice.
With his eyes, he just stared at me as if he wanted to swallow me alive.
I was stunned.
Shuuji is me?!
He means that I am Shuuji Kataoka?
Manabe-san finally removed his hands from my stiff face.
“Wrong person…right?”
The fire in his eyes disappeared. He started to frailly mumble to himself.
“That‟s right…Shuuji was already……Sorry, you look very similar to our friend. Are you a new
club member?”
“No, I am a second year student. Today I am here to observe the club practice.”
I don‟t know when, but all the graduates have now surrounded me. They looked at me as if they
were looking at a ghost.
As these stares are directed towards me, I am confused and don't know how to react.
What's with their eyes? Furthermore, he said that I look identical to Shuuji Kataoka. What is
going on?
The female senpai, with a gloomy tone, muttered:
“He really looks like Kataoka, but Kataoka is taller…but their faces are almost the same. He is
like Kataoka‟s little brother. Hey, what‟s your name?”
“I…Inoue Konoha.”
“Konoha….what a strange name, but it‟s cute at the same time. Konoha-kun, do you have
relatives that have the last name Kataoka?”
“Hey, that‟s enough. Rihoko.”
However, another graduate that wore a suit and glasses, a seemingly very smart man, continued
on where Rihoko stopped.
“But the similarities are striking. Perhaps Konoha-kun is related to Shuuji in some way.”
“They are not as similar as you claim. Maybe it‟s because we all have not seen Shuuji for so long
that our memories are getting fuzzy. That‟s why we mistook someone who is moderately similar
as very similar.”
“That makes sense…Maybe it‟s just as Soeda said.”
“Manabe-kun…”
A grim expression appeared on Rihoko-san‟s face.
“Excuse me,” I asked without warning, “what kind of person is Shuuji Kataoka?”
All the graduates looked at me. After that, they looked at each other with difficulties.
“Kataoka-kun was a very baffling person.”
Rihoko-san suddenly said.
“He was laid back, always fooling around. Whenever he opened his mouth, he always joked.”
“Enough, Rihoko.” Manabe-san stopped Rihoko from talking any further. Then he smiled
bitterly at me:
“Shuuji was a member of the Archery Club. He was around the same year as us.”
Same year!
Then this means Shuuji-senpai and Manabe-san etc. are all alumnus of the same Archery Club.
Shuuji Kataoka does exist.
Except he does not exist in the current Archery Club; he existed in the past Archery Club.
I subconsciously took a glance at Takeda-san. Takeda-san‟s eyes were also wide open, except
she was staring at the alumnus.
What? Takeda-san didn‟t know Shuuji Kataoka was a graduate of this school? She didn‟t know
anything about him, yet she fell in love with him? How is that possible?
“Then, where is Shuuji-senpai now?”
The Shuuji Kataoka, who always felt „My concept of happiness differs from the norm of the
world‟s, and this makes me feel as if I am slowly being eaten away”; therefore he chose to play
the part of a clown. What is he like?
Standing beside me, Takeda-san lightly gasped.
Manabe-san‟s face grew darker and darker.
“No one can meet Shuuji anymore. Sorry, this is not a happy topic, so I don‟t intend on
continuing. I apologize for scaring you, Konoha.”
“Then let‟s continue on with the practice.”
The glasses wearing alumni good-naturedly shouted. No one is talking about Shuuji-senpai
anymore.
All the graduates have moved away to mentor the kouhai. Only Takeda-san and I remained
stationary.
Takeda-san‟s face was stiff. Her eyes were fixed on the center of an arrow target.
Her eyes were razor sharp- as if she saw her hateful enemy.
“Takeda-san”
I called her with my voice. Only then did she turn toward me with an awfully hollow expression:
“……Sorry. Shuuji-senpai didn‟t come today.”
