Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter6
Chapter 6 - The Proposal of the Literature Girl
A few days had passed after the incident.
Since the incident on the roof, I have not talked to nor seen Takeda-san again.
Yesterday, Kotobuki-san asked me “Your girlfriend hasn‟t been coming to the classroom for a
while lately, did you two break up?” Kotobuki‟s face was red. She lowered her head and began
to wobble her body. She sounded like she was very worried.
“We weren‟t going out to begin with! Also, there is no need for her to consult with me anymore,
so she probably won‟t come ever again.”
“Those things don‟t matter; it‟s just…for the past few weeks…I may have said too
much…that…so…”
She lifted her face; when her eyes met with mine, she blushed even more.
“Nev-, never mind.”
She suddenly turned around and walked away slowly.
But as she was walking away, she suddenly stopped and ran back to me.
“So… that… I mean… just never mind!”
She shouted frantically, and then hurriedly walked away.
She was probably planning to apologize to me. Even though she might say something nasty from
time to time, she is probably not a bad person.
I still go to the Literature Club every single day. I would absentmindedly listen to Tookosenpai‟s
speeches on random life principles or book reviews, and write a 3 topic story as Tookosenpai‟s
snack.
“The topics for today are „staplers‟, „amusement park‟, and „lamb hot pot.‟ The time limit is 50
minutes, starting now!”
*Kachi*
Tooko-senpai rested her arms on the backrest of a chair and moved her upper body forward. She
pressed a button on her silver watch to start the timer. Her shoes were off and she was sitting
with her knees bent on the chair. Her posture was once again inappropriate.
“What is „lamb hot pot‟?”
“You never heard of it? That‟s goat- a hot pot that is consisted of little lambs. On last night‟s TV
news report, the local business news section talked about a restaurant in Ginko. They sliced the
lamb meat into little thin~~~~~~~~ strips and quickly ran them through pots of boiling soup.
They don‟t have that funny goat meat taste at all. And they are so soft that if you eat them half
raw, they will melt on your tongue. The after meal desert was grape pudding, that looked very
tasty as well. After a meal of hot foods, when you eat something cool and sweet, that‟s the best.
So please write something that will melt in the mouth like the lamb hot pot and cool and sweet
like the pudding.”
“Could you stop making confusing comparisons? Gosh…you are too easily influenced by TV
and magazines. Furthermore, how do you link random things like „staplers‟, „amusement park‟,
and „lamb hot pot‟ together?”
“*That* *Is* where a chef can show off his skills! Hoho, I am looking forward to this.”
“You can write something for yourself from time to time.”
In response to that Tooko-senpai raised her index finger and seriously said,
“Konoha-kun, right now as your senpai, I am teaching you ways of life.”
“What‟s that?”
“Foods that are prepared by others taste ten times better than foods you make yourself.”
“Bullshit.”
“Also also, food that one prepares with a dedicated heart tastes a hundred times better! It‟s true!”
She was indirectly saying „so write with all your heart‟. She put her chin on the backrest, and
looked at me happily.
That‟s it. I decided to write the story about a lamb that, like a porcupine, had many staplers
hanging off its back. It got lost in an amusement part, tricked by a witch, and ended up in the
witch‟s lamb hotpot.
As my pen started to fly on the 50 pages of genkoo yoshi, Tooko-senpai stared at me.
“I can‟t write if you keep on staring at me. Go read a book please.”
“Okay, Mr. Chef.”
Just as she said, she turned around. As she swung her legs, she started to read the old books in
this room.
At this moment, only the scratching noise of a pen rubbing against papers, and the creaking noise
of turning book pages can be heard in this dusty enclosed room.
After a while, Tooko-senpai, with her back towards me, said,
“Hey Konoha-kun, what is Chia-chan doing now?”
My hand stopped momentarily.
However I didn‟t want her to know that I was rattled inside, so I resumed writing immediately.
“Who knows…it‟s not my business anymore.”
“But she hasn‟t given me the report yet!”
Tooko-senpai turned her head and looked at me.
“Konoha-kun, could you go to Chia-chan and retrieve the report for me?
I was speechless.
“What are you talking about?! I don‟t want to.”
“But, but, but, we promised. When the assistance ended she has to give me a report.”
“You will for sure get a stomach from eating that thing! I won‟t go! Absolutely won‟t go! If you
really want to eat that tainted thing, Tooko-senpai can go and get it herself.”
Tooko-senpai looked sad again.
Damn. I may have said too much.
“…Konoha-kun, Chia-chan did lie to you, but they weren‟t all lies; some of them were true,
right?
You never asked Chia-chan the reason behind her actions. Do you really want this to end like
this? When you wrote the love letters, didn‟t you wholeheartedly want to help her?”
“…”
I remained silent and continued on with the writing.
“I am done.”
I tore off 3 pages of the draft notepad and handed them to Tooko-senpai.
“Please finish them.”
My „staplers carrying lamb became ingredients for a hotpot‟ story must have tasted pretty bizarre.
Tooko-senpai, with tears in her eyes, tried to shove the 3 pages down her throat.
“Uu…nasty…uun. This is what I honestly think, wha-what a complex taste. Thi- this is really,
really bad…uun…delicious…delicious…truly….uu…if I convince myself it‟s delicious, it will
become delicious…uu….”
I just can‟t handle that person.
All those absurd stories that I wrote nonsensically, she actually swallowed them.
I think it was the spring of last year, when I first joined the literature club.
I intentionally wrote a story very badly. From start to end there was not a single punctuation, or
even a consistent story. She also half cryingly finished the whole story.
“Thank you for the meal. Let's see….punctuations are syntax symbols that are inserted into
phases to give the reader a chance to rest in between readings. While having too much
punctuation will fragment the pace of the story, it might be better to write an excess of them right
from the start. Also, perhaps it would be better to cut back on rhymes.”
Just like this, she idiotically gave me a serious review.
No matter how many times I wrote nonsensically, Tooko-senpai would still eat them. Then, on
the next day, she would come to my class and say,
“It‟s time for the club, Konoha-kun.”
She would greet me with a smile.
Maybe she noticed that back then I locked myself in a shell and avoided interaction with other
people, and so she couldn‟t ignore me.
She may look very airheaded and sure of herself; a literature shoujo who is immersed in her own
world and one who neglects things surrounding her. In truth Tooko-senpai is a stickler to her
principles.
I stayed with her for a year already; perhaps her influence has a greater effect on me than I
thought.
On the following day after school, I came to the library to find Takeda-san.
“Whatever reasons made Takeda-san trick me, I don‟t care anymore. I came here only because
Tooko-senpai wouldn‟t stop talking about eating Takeda-san‟s report, so I have no choice but to
come tell her to hurry up.”
As I muttered to myself, I descended down the rusted spiral staircase that connects to the
basement book storage room.
*Kan**Kan**Kan*
My footsteps were gradually consumed by the underground silence.
I walked down the last step and knocked on the door. An alerted voice answered me,
“Ye, yes.”
“…I am Inoue from the Literature Club.”
“Konoha-senpai! Ple,please wait a second!”
From inside the room I heard noises of books falling, something moving across, mouse squeaks,
and „Shu, go away‟ (to get rid of the mouse). After a moment of silence, Takeda-san finally
opened the door. She stuck her head out hesitantly.
“That…co, come in. I chased the mouse away. It should be…fine now.”
“…Thanks.”
I accepted her offer and went in.
The storage room was just the same as when I entered before. The smell of old paper permeated
the room. The room was both dark and dusty.
The lamp on the desk was like a street lamp on a long and deserted street. It gave out a dim light.
On the desk were an orange and red water bottle and a mug with a duck printed on it. Beside
them laid a metal biscuit box.
“…Tooko-senpai asked me to inquire you about the report.”
Takeda-san lowered her head.
“I am very sorry. I did try to write it, but when I read over everything…it won‟t do…I really
seem to lack talents in writing.
I didn‟t know what I should say in response, so I stayed quiet. Takeda-san kept her head low; her
body appeared to be shrinking as she continued-
“I lied to Konoha-senpai and Tooko-senpai, I am very sorry. I…I wanted to be a detective. Each
day of my life is so plain and boring…I thought that if I found someone I liked, I might be able
to change. If I went out with a boy, and forced myself to like him, then my life would be a bit
more enriched…but I remained an ugly duckling…I couldn‟t become a princess. At first I did
feel quite happy; but I became used to this, ah, this is just the same…
It was at that time that I found Shuuji‟s letter here.
After I read it my chest felt terrible, I even cried when I read.
I want to know more about this person.
I want to be closer to this person.
If I can do that, then maybe I can transform myself into someone different. Even someone like
me may have the chance to experience those dokidoki [TL note: SFX for heartbeat], fluttering,
exciting stories.
This…this was what I thought.”
“…It was you who cut out the portrait from the year book, wasn‟t it?”
“Yes. As I investigated and learned more about Shuuji-senpai, I became more fixated on finding
the truth behind Shuuji-senpai‟s suicide.
Everyday after school I would lock myself in this room, and imagined outrageous scenarios to
deduct what had happened. Doing so made me very cheerful- it almost felt as if I had become a
real detective.
If only I snapped out of it then…
When I saw Konoha-senpai handing out flyers to new students- you looked just like Shuujisenpai,
I was stunned.
And then, I had an idea.
If I could somehow arrange a meeting between Konoha-senpai and the alumni of the Archery
Club, I would be able to figure out who S was; and from that I would find the truth behind
Shuuji‟s death.”
For this, Takeda-san used Tooko-senpai‟s love advice mailbox to approach me, and completed
her goal.
„Shuuji-senpai is real! It‟s true!‟
Takeda-san did repeatedly assert that.
To Takeda-san, the person Shuuji Kataoka was not a mystic being who existed only in his letter;
he was a real person with blood and flesh.
Takeda-san deeply believed that.
Furthermore, Shuuji-senpai was a very important figure in Takeda-san‟s heart.
But now, Takeda-san looked very lonely.
“It was my idiotic behavior that got Konoha-senpai into a lot of trouble. I am very sorry. Other
than the newfound bitterness, nothing about me has changed.”
Takeda-san softly lifted up her duck mug.
“My best friend, who gave me this mug, died from a car accident two years ago. She, just like
Sakiko-san, got run over by a car-…”
That‟s why!
The reason why Takeda-san was so obsessed with Shuuji-senpai was perhaps because, just like
Shuuji-senpai, she also had someone who died from a car accident. Following that line of
thinking, I can understand a bit of what Takeda-san was feeling; my chest became a bit stuffed.
“…That girl was very strong, very optimistic about everything. She was also very smart, a leader
of our class. Compared to me, she should the one who lead a wonderful life…”
Takeda-san‟s voice trailed off into an almost inaudible mutter.
Her eyes, which were staring at the mug, were now mixed with sorrow.
“Takeda-san…I think living a normal life is not bad! At least for myself, I am in favor of a
common life.”
“Right…”
Takeda-san smiled lonelily.
Then, she jerked her head up, and, in a sudden lively tone, she rapidly said-
“Do you know? Today is the 10 year anniversary of Shuuji‟s death. So I will…make myself a bit
of a final memory. But, I have to go now. Hiro-kun is waiting for me.”
Takeda-san started to clean up the stuff on her desk.
Even though she had a smile on her face, a hint of tears could be seen in her eyes. To prevent
those tears from coming out, she tried to open her eyes as much as possible, so her expression
appeared very unnatural.
Takeda-san picked up her personal belongings, turned to me, and with a laughing tone said to
me-
“I will be going then. I am very happy to have this talk with Konoha-senpai. Thank you for
coming to see me.”
“Takeda-san… it‟s best if you don‟t force yourself to write the report. It‟s not like it is a fun job.
Even if you do write it nothing would change, I think…”
In an instant, Takeda-san‟s face became a bit dazed. She blinked a few times and looked up. A
grin appeared on the side of her mouth.
“That‟s right…even if I did write it…it would be filled with tragic stories…nothing would
change…”
Even though she was just repeating what I had said, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest when I
heard that.
Ah, that‟s right. Even if the report was written, nothing would change.
Writing cannot save anyone.
Takeda-san softly said “Good bye.”
And gave me her final smile.
*KanKanKanKan*
In the sweetly scented book storage room, as she ascended the spiral staircase, I quietly listened
to her fading footsteps.
I suddenly remembered the raining scene where Takeda-san cried into my chest.
And then, I remembered the smile Takeda-san had when she was eating lunch with her boyfriend
at the courtyard.
Soeda-san and Rihoko-san chose to carry the burden of Shuuji Kataoka for the remainder of their
lives.
And Takeda-san can finally graduate from the memories of Shuuji-senpai.
After that, she and Hiro-kun will together live through peaceful and normal days.
I sincerely wished that Takeda-san could live happily ever after.
But it was only my wishful thinking.
Dazai, in his „Ningen Shikkaku‟, said that the passage of time is the cure, or the redemption, that
is bestowed upon everyone equally.
At that moment I was feeling a bit melancholic, so I decided to walk between the bookshelves
and absentmindedly browse through the titles of the stack.
I read that book…I haven‟t read that book…I only glanced through that book… In the dimly lit
room, all sorts of different titles flowed through my sight.
“Ah…”
When I saw that title, I stopped.
“It‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟…”
It was probably this particular book that contained Shuuji-senpai‟s letters.
I extended my index finger and tried to pull the book out. The book was stored in a box cover;
the faded yellow cover was dotted with tea color dots.
“Uuh, the book is stuck.”
I couldn‟t pull out the book.
“…Hm, is something sticking to the book...? Wah!”
Under my intense pull, the book and a notebook-like object flew out and fell onto the ground.
*ba**saa*
By reflex I bent down to pick up the book, and something came into my eyes. I was startled.
A small piece of photograph was on the floor. The photo, which seemed to have been cut out by
a pair of scissors, had a boy in it. The boy, with his nearly identical face, stared back at me.
Right beside the photo was a notebook with a duck printed on its cover.
For whatever reason, it was almost as if someone intentionally hid the notebook here.
Moreover, it was hidden in that „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
This is just likeI
suddenly felt a sinking feeling in my chest.
I picked up the notebook off the ground, and I hurriedly read over the tiny lettered articles.
When I saw the first line of the notebook, I felt as if I was falling head first into the abyss.
I forced myself to go on; I restrained myself until I reached and finished the last page.
Immediately I cursed at my own stupidity, slammed the notebook shut, and dashed out of the
door.
◇ ◇ ◇
Mine has been a life of much shame.
The first time I noticed my deviancy was when my grandmother, who treasured me very
much, passed away from this world.
I remember after my grandmother had a heart attack, she had to stay on her bad all the
time. Whenever I came near her bed to visit her, she would always gently stroke my head
and say, “You are such a good child.” She would look pleased. Her eyes would form two
tiny lines as she smiled.
But I was not what my grandmother thought I was- an obedient and empathic child. Her
scrawny hands, her shriveled up face, her muddle white hair, and the disgusting medicine
stench emitted from her body, all these revolted and horrified me to no end.
“You are such a good child.”
Every time she used that coarse voice to whisper to my ears, I would feel like she had laid a
jinx on me. My neck would become stiff, my body would shudder.
If grandmother finds out I am not a good child; if she finds out that I loathe her- no doubt
she would stand straight up from her bed. Her white hair would stand on their ends like a
yashya, red flames would come out of her hazes, and that would swallow me alive. I was
really frightened by these thoughts, so dreaded that I would lie in bed at night, eyes wide
open, and cold sweat coming off my back.
As I grew older, I became more and more aware that the difference and the gap between
how I thought and how others thought was increasing. Things that saddened or pleased
others, I did not feel anything. Not even a tiny bit of these events resonated with my
emotion.
Why do others feel happy?
Why do others feel sad?
During track and field competitions or ball games, when everyone excitedly cheered for
their teams; or a classmate was about to transfer schools, when everyone sadly said
farewell to the classmate, I would be like a linguistically challenged foreigner. I stood
among others, and I felt unease spreading throughout my body. I would wane my body
posture. My stomach would start to twist itself. Other people are talking non-stop, yet I
know nothing of what they say.
Why? Why is everyone crying? Ah, I really don‟t understand. But, if only I appeared
emotionless when everyone else was crying, others would find it strange, so I must make
myself cry. But my face is so stiff that it is impossible. My face started to blush again. If
others noticed I am only faking my sadness, what should I do? I cannot lift my head, not
now. So I lowered my head even further, and put on a melancholic expression. Ah, this
time everyone is laughing together. What is so funny about it? I really don‟t know. But, if I
don‟t have the same reaction as others, they will label me as a queer, and I would have no
friends.
Now is the time to laugh. I must laugh, and laugh. No, let‟s cry, and cry. No, the reaction
for this should be laughter, I must react with laughter.
In front of my parents, teachers, and classmates, I struggled to act and react politely. I
acted goofily, just to make others like me. Ah, I sincerely hope that no one will ever find out
that I am a monster who lacks a human heart. I hope I can camouflage myself into a mere
silly and idiotic clown, just to make others laugh with me, pity me, forgive me. And this can
go on forever and ever and so will I.
Until I entered high school, until I met S, I never realized I was merely a clown.
◇ ◇ ◇
As I panted from the dash, I climbed up the staircase that lead to the roof.
The third hand note wasn‟t written by Shuuji Kataoka; it was written by Takeda-san.
How could I be so foolish?
I have always used my shallow, naive common sense to view the girl Chia Takeda.
Why was Takeda-san so determined to find S?
Why was Takeda-san obsessed with Shuuji Kataoka‟s death?
My imagination was too lacking.
Takeda-san, her round face, her lively eyes, her childlike behavior, her cheerful smile, her
puppy-like pureness, her naivety, her outgoing personality- all I saw was only the surface.
I never once suspected that they were all acts by Takeda-san-!
◇ ◇ ◇
Let‟s talk about S!
S was the person that understood me best. She was my sworn enemy and my good friend.
She was my other half and my opposing self.
With her fearful intelligence, she saw through my everything.
All the clowns‟ tricks I did to make others think I was perfect, they completely failed on S.
So, I was terrified of her.
Because I was terrified of her, I couldn‟t escape from her side.
In the classroom, in the club, I was always at S‟s side.
I felt S‟s eyes were of divine judgement. My constant fear and shame made me tremble and
sweat.
The world is hell.
And I am S‟s slave.
On my 14th birthday, S gave me a mug, one that had a duck printed on it.
S said the duck looked as dense as I did.
When I replied with a „hehehe‟, S looked straight at me and asked do I really want to
continue on living like this.
I became afraid.
I am just a monster disguised as a duck; this antagonized S very much.
I tried to shift S‟s attention to other things. I put on an exaggerated expression and told a
few jokes.
But S didn‟t laugh; she angrily said- “Fine, be that way, be a dumb duck forever then” and
stormed off.
I chased after S.
If S abandoned me, She would tell everyone what a monster I was!
If I don‟t make S cheer up…
If I don‟t pull S back…
If I let S leave like that, I may just as well die-!
When I came to this conclusion, I intentionally tripped on the street.
Surprised, S turned her head to me. She frowned as if she gave up, and ran toward me.
Just as I eased up, a car came out of nowhere; it crashed into S‟s fragile body and pushed
her away. Her body slammed onto the ground, and remained there, motionless.
The girl Shizuka Saitou had died by the hands of the monster known as Chia Takeda.
On that day, the soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red blood
spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene.
I, killed, a person.
Perhaps even God does not want to save me.
◇ ◇ ◇
„I am really common.‟
„Even though I finished „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I am still unable to comprehend the story.‟
„I am really common, and my I am not smart, I am useless. Dazai Osamu and Shuuji-senpai‟s
yearning for death, even if I spend my life thinking about why, I still won‟t understand. I read
„Ningen Shikkaku‟ from front to back 5 times, yet I still don‟t understand…so at the end, all I
could do was cry.‟
What were Takeda-san‟s true feelings when she said she couldn‟t understand „Ningen
Shikkaku‟?
„So at the end, all I could do was cry.‟
What emotion ran through Takeda‟s head when she cried?
„This is-too strange. He rants too much. There is no point in living so painfully.‟
What was in her heart when she said those hurtful words?
◇ ◇ ◇
I said to that boy, yeah we can try going out.
That boy, just like a little puppy, shows an innocent smile.
He has complete untainted trust in me. He entrusts his everything to me.
He is just a naive, pure, kind hearted, positive, the blessed and beloved white goat of god.
A boy like him, makes me filled with jealous and despise. At the same time, I couldn‟t stop
my longings for his pureness.
Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, this child, can change my being.
People often say love can change a person.
Perhaps this boy can save me from my destruction.
Maybe from now on, I will no longer be a loveless, apathetic monster. I will become a real
human.
Ah, I really want to be someone like that.
A burning hot steam rose up in my chest; I fervently prayed for that.
Fall in love with the boy.
Even though the love is fake at first, it might turn into the real thing one day.
◇ ◇ ◇
The words that Takeda-san said to me, now that I look at them in another context, stood for
something completely different.
On that rainy day, when she hugged me near the school building; or when I questioned Takedasan
about the existence of Shuuji-senpai- on both occasion Takeda-san had that sad expression.
I completely misunderstood the reason behind that sorrowful face.
◇ ◇ ◇
I put on a smile whenever I am in front of him; I kept on repeating, with my sweet voice,
that I love him.
Day by day he fell in love with me a bit more; day by day I became sadder and sadder.
Even if I still had that clown act as my disguise, my heart was as weak and tired as a dying
patient. At times I would even feel like my body was being spilt apart.
On that rainy day, next to the school building, when that boy‟s lips touched mine,
something in my heart seemed to explode. It wasn't happiness; it was intense repugnance,
so much so that all the hair on my body stood up.
Ahh, you surprised me~~! I laughed and ran away as if I was embarrassed.
My vision was spinning all around me. I wanted to vomit something hot and solid from
inside my throat. Many times I covered my mouth with my hands. Just like that I ran in
the rain.
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
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I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I can‟t take this anymore. I hate everything.
How come I am still alive after I killed S?
Shouldn‟t it be the other way around?
Shouldn‟t I be the one who is killed by S?
Wasn‟t it because that was what I long for, that I cowered next to S‟s feet like a slave, and
followed her?
I hated and was afraid of S; but deep in my heart, I looked forward to being destroyed by S.
Only S, it was S, that should have been the person who killed me!
But S is here no more.
I, who is despicable and fragile, cannot face other people‟s disappointment, denouncement
and discrimination. I can only live as a clown in this world for the rest of my life.
Compared to when I was with S, the hell I am left with is much more cruel and has no
redemption.
◇ ◇ ◇
“I think living a normal life is not bad! At least for myself, I am in favour of a common life.”
„Right…‟
Why did I say something as insensitive as this?
I didn‟t know about this. I didn‟t know anything.
When I said „living a normal life is not bad,‟ Takeda-san must have felt an indescribable amount
of pain and despair.
◇ ◇ ◇
I read a letter written by another person like me.
It‟s like seeing another me. My chest was overwhelmed, without pause my tears kept on
rolling down my face.
Ah, I finally meet another person who feels the same as I do.
Only he can understand the sufferings in my heart.
This letter was also written by imitating his letter.
The more I write, the closer I feel I am to him.
◇ ◇ ◇
Takeda-san read Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter and became deeply attracted to him, so much so that she
relentlessly tried to uncover the truth behind his death. She wasn't attracted because he had
qualities she didn‟t.
She wasn‟t attracted to him because their personalities were opposite.
She was attracted to him because this person had the same soul as she did; she couldn‟t help but
want to prove that this person once existed.
◇ ◇ ◇
Who was his S?
What do I need to do to uncover S‟s weakness?
If I can rattle S‟s heart, I would be able to dig out all of S‟s secrets.
Yes, only S knows the cause of his death.
How did he die? Did he choose to commit suicide, or was he killed by S? At his final
moment, what did he say? What sort of expression did he have when he died?
As one who has the same soul as he, what sort of answer am I looking for?
This is where my road will lead to.
What‟s your reason for living? What‟s your reason for dying?
Ah, I want to know. No matter what happen I want to know. I must know this.
In all of my waking and sleeping time, my mind couldn‟t stop scheming this. Finally, from
an unexpected incident, I got the key to S‟s destruction.
◇ ◇ ◇
With the immense pain, as if my chest was being burned by a molten pig iron, I finally
understood.
Takeda-san and Shuuji Kataoka were the same kind of person.
They both longed to be destroyed by their S- someone who understood them the best, someone
who was at the same time their worst enemy. And they both lost their closest person because of
their schemes.
They deeply blamed themselves for it, and slowly, their minds broke down.
After Takeda-san lost her closest friend, Takeda-san was overflowed with the pain from her guilt
and conscience. The letter from Shuuji Kataoka served as a compass that was supposed to lead
her out of this torture.
So Takeda-san sprang into action.
She let I, who looked like Shuuji, get close to the Archery club alumni to deduce who S was.
From this, she sent all my letters to him.
◇ ◇ ◇
As if bit by bit I slowly injected poison into S- S became more and more crazy. All this
gradually happened under my calm eyes.
I know S‟s attitude is not as tranquil as it once was.
S would constantly look around; S‟s voice would shake.
When S was alone, there would be endless sighs. Sometimes S would even grab one‟s hair,
and then S would, as if frightened, turn around and look behind.
◇ ◇ ◇
She wanted to find out what Shuuji really said before he died- was it the same as what she
imagined.
How did he die?
Was it murder? Or suicide?
Did someone kill him, or did he choose death by himself?
Takeda wanted to know.
No matter what, she must know.
◇ ◇ ◇
The time is near.
Everything is ready.
All that‟s left is to open the door with the key.
◇ ◇ ◇
In Takeda-san‟s notebook where she put her confession in, on its last page she wrote-
◇ ◇ ◇
Konoha-senpai has given me the answer.
Then, let‟s go up to the roof!
◇ ◇ ◇
Second floor
Third floor
Forth floor
I felt like the staircase is extending upward into infinity. The nervousness and fear of never
reaching Takeda san swelled in my mind.
When I finish climbing the stair, what awaits me at the end? Would it be a tragedy that has
already ended?
Just like that time with Miu? Would I stand there, motionless, only there to witness the sight of
Takeda san throwing herself down the building?
My heart was about to tear. I felt so dizzy that I was about to collapse.
No more.
Just like that time, I won‟t make it.
For my own sake I shouldn't go! If I go, I would see things I don‟t want to see- this would only
increase my pain.
I can‟t go.
My lips and fingertips felt numb. I panted like a wild beast. My vision started to blur.
These symptoms were gone after I entered senior high school; yet when Soeda san dragged me to
the roof, I couldn‟t do so much as to breath.
Just like that time, an immense hunger and unease surged towards me. My body became ice cold.
A painful goggling voice was released by my throat. I leaned forward weakly and I had to steady
myself by holding the rail.
This hurts so much.
I am about to die.
Ah, I won‟t make it. It‟s too late. Even if I do reach the roof it‟s no use. It‟s no use. Everyone can
only live on unhappily. There is no way to change this. It‟s too late to say anything.
--No, it‟s not true.
As I was about to fall into the abyss known as despair, an invisible hand pulled me up.
Maybe it was Tooko Senpai‟s hand.
It was her who took my limp hand and, without giving up, she pulled me to here.
Tooko senpai never abandoned me.
To me, who was crying about not wanting to work for anything anymore, or was crying about
not knowing anything anymore- she would gently said that I must find my own answer.
No matter how painful, how tragic and how awful I feel, I must stand up on my own legs and
find my answer.
Like Merosu who didn‟t want to break his promise with his friend, I stood up and ran as if
nothing else is on my mind.
I didn‟t feel pain and sorrow anymore; I ignored the tearing pain of my heart, nor did I let my
shortness of breath and blurry vision bother me anymore. I put all my attention into reaching the
roof as fast as possible.
A heavy door appeared at end of the infinite staircase. I slammed into it to open the door.
The color of the sky was as azure as it has always been.
Takeda san was standing outside of the guard rail.
Her little back looked very weak and limp.
“Don‟t! Takeda san!”
As I yell I ran toward her. She also turned to me in surprised. I saw that she was holding that
duck mug. Ah, the sight of her really intending on killing herself made my chest stiff.
“Don‟t, Takeda san. You can‟t die. Don‟t let this be the end of everything! You are not Shuuji
Senpai! You are Chia Takeda! You are different from Shuuji Senpai! Just because he suicide
doesn‟t mean you have to do the same!”
A grievous expression appeared on Takeda san„s face.
I reached over the guardrail and grabbed Takeda‟s wrist.
I leaned forward my shoulders to catch my breath, and word by word I said-
“You must find a different answer than Shuuji senpai‟s!”
When she finally noticed the crumpled notebook in my hand, she bitterly smiled.
“Konoha senpai…that notebook…you have already read it. It was supposed to be...discovered
something like ten years later…That was a message to me ten years from now, just like how
Shuuji senpai left his letter to- to me. The letter is what‟s left…”
“What the hell are you talking about?! You don‟t have to go on the same road as Shuuji senpai!
Come back here.”
Drops of clear tears rolled down her face as if those were her bitterness about how no one can
ever understand her.
“But Konoha senpai, I can‟t stand the shame and pain of living in this world anymore.”
Her suppressed voice, soaked with sorrow, pieced into my chest and rendered me speechless.
Konoha, surely you won‟t understand.
Ah, is the incident with Miu about to repeat itself on me again?
“Hey, Konoha senpai, did you realize that Shuuji Senpai didn‟t choose to kill himself to escape
from the guilt of killing Sakiko san? It was because Sakiko san got ran over by a car right in
front of him, and he still couldn‟t feel anything from it. It was his apathy that made him despair
about himself.
It‟s the same for me.
I killed Shi chan.
If I didn‟t fake the trip, then Shi chan wouldn‟t run back and get hit by a car. This is the same as
I kill her.
But, even with Shi chan bled to death in front of me, I still couldn‟t feel anything.
Even at her funeral I didn‟t shed a single tear.
I put myself into a daze.
My family and friends, plus Shi chan‟s parent, were whispering around me saying that the sight
of my best friend dying in front of me must have traumatized me, and I have closed up my heart
as a result. I feel so sorry for her, let her be alone for a moment.
That‟s not true!
I wasn‟t sad at all!
No matter how I tried to remember my memories with Shi chan to make myself cry, I couldn‟t
do it. I couldn‟t even squeeze out an ounce of sadness. Shi chan is dead, and I still couldn‟t feel
anything.
This is- this is too weird! A person has died! And she was my best friend! Why do I not feel sad
at all, this is too abnormal!”
Takeda san became more and more hysteric; her wet eyes too were becoming more and more
despair.
I cannot bring myself to say „No, that‟s normal.‟
Using my common sense, I know what she said was deviant, so I couldn‟t counter.
I know very well the fear associated with everyday lives; but I am just a tender child living under
my caring parents, I did not live through anything that can make me understand that intense
despair that bind Takeda‟s tortured heart.
“I am not killing myself to escape from the guilt of killing Shi chan- I am killing myself because
of my apathy to Shi Chan‟s death. I am too shameful and fearful of myself, I cannot live.
Dazai said it as well, even if one continues on living, his filthy sins will only increase in number,
and his issues will only intensify! He also said „To seek death is to die. Living is the seed of
guilt!‟ I can not tolerate myself living like this any longer! Konoha senpai, do you think
something like me can go on living? Are you still telling me to live my life? Are you going to tell
me that death is wrong? I am not supposed to be relieved of my misery?”
The hands that I used to grab Takeda san loosen up a bit.
Rihoko san wanted to relief the tortured Shuuji senpai of his pain, so she accomplished his wish
for him.
ButBut
IMy
once loosen hands tighten up even more.
Takeda san opened her eyes wide.
“I don‟t know…I don‟t know! Maybe I am mistaken, maybe I said some pretty harsh things to
you, but I still can‟t let you die. Even though right now I can‟t tell you why you mustn‟t die, but I
will help you think of a worthy reason to live! So please don‟t kill yourself in a rush! Try and
live on! I will help you think as well, I will help carry your burden with you! I can do at least
that!”
Takeda san was still crying.
“Even if…you tell me this...”
“Please, Takeda san. Please come back to this side.”
“No…I am already…”
Takeda san shook away my hands. Her action caused her to lose her balance and she lost her
footing on the ledge.
“Takeda san!”
The duck notebook dropped down onto the concrete floor; the strong wind rapidly turned the
pages.
I had my whole body on the floor, with me pulling on one of Takeda‟s hand.
Takeda san‟s legs, and the other hand that she is using to hold the mug, are dangerously dangling
in the wind like kites that are caught by power lines.
“Let me go…let me die like this…”
Takeda san begged me weakly.
“…I won‟t!”
My arm is breaking. Ah, if only I didn‟t lock myself in my house all the time, if only I am
stronger.
“Please! Konoha senpai…”
“Absolutely not!”
No way am I letting you go. Letting you go? When Miu fell right in front of me, all I did was
stood there motionless.
Even if I didn‟t understand what Miu was feeling, even if I couldn‟t said anything that could
change her mind, I should have at least ran to her and tightly held onto her.
I could have extended my hands and stopped her.
This is why, this time I will not let go!
“You can‟t die! Living by definition means going through humiliations! Even I had a secret
identity of being a mysterious bishoujo two years ago. I was so ashamed that I refused to go to
school and locked myself in the house. I had no future, and look! I am living fine now!”
Without thinking I yelled that out, and this made Takeda san opened her eyes in shock.
“Gi-girl…..?”
At this moment, because of our sweat, Takeda san‟s hand slid away.
But immediately, that hand was caught by another pair of arms coming from my side.
“That‟s right. Everyone has something shameful that they don‟t want to tell others. I am like that
as well. I even ate the copy of “The Great Gatsby” I borrowed from the library awhile ago.”
Tooko Senpai was lying on the ground with her flat chest on the concrete floor. Her face was
frowning with pain. Both her hands were in between the guard rails and are now tightly gripping
Takeda‟s hand.
I quickly used both my arms to hold onto Takeda‟s hand as well.
“…Tooko senpai, why are you still here?”
“…Ku, I just went to the library, and a library assistant girl told me that Konoha ran out of the
room…so I come to find you…”
For someone like Tooko senpai, who stays in her house even more than I do, it‟s probably hard
for her to maintain this position.
Takeda san confusedly said-
“Ate the copy of...‟The Great Gatsby‟…What…the”
Tooko senpai‟s pale forehead is dripping sweat now. She strenuously answered-
“…Well…In this world there are many unexplained things! To find the truth behind these events
are one of the joys in life!”
Suddenly a rowdy noise can be heard from below.
It‟s probably someone on the ground finally noticed us and people were starting to panic.
Takeda san looked down and sighed. Maybe she thought that pulling with us like this won‟t do
her goal any good, Takeda san looked as if she was about to shake our hands off. Tooko Senpai
yelled-
“Other than „Ningen Shikkaku‟, have you read any other stories by Dazai Osamu?”
“Eh?”
This question caught Takeda san by surprise and she stopped struggling.
Tooko senpai continued to pull on Takeda san‟s hand, and forcefully yelled-
“Some people only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟ and thought that all of Dazai Osamu‟s works are
filled with moody melancholic and unhealthy tones. This conclusion is made too rashly. If you
only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, you haven‟t read enough to comment on the general themes of
Dazai Osamu‟s works. In Ethnic class, isn‟t „Hashire Merosu‟ a required reading? Don‟t you
agree that Merosu, who only went to the market to buy his sister a birthday present, but instead,
became filled with righteous anger when he realized the tyranny of the king. He entered the royal
palace through the front entrance just so he can assassinate the king. That reckless Merosu,
driven by his straight mindedness and innocence, don‟t you think he is charming? Don‟t you ever
feel excited by his sincere friendship with the mason? Merosu is so driven by his belief that he
ran back to the mason naked!”
Ah, what are you talking about, Tooko senpai.
I wanted to cover my head with my hands.
But Tooko senpai, with sweat dripping off of face, continued in all seriousness-
“Try and imagine! Even though the story set place in a different time period, it must be very
embarrassing to run on the street naked. But Merosu disregarded all these and ran to his friend‟s
side, even though he had no cloth on. His straight-minded action moved even the cynical,
tyrannical and ruthless king!
At the end of the story the mason said „Merosu, you are not wearing any clothing.‟ From what I
remember, the Ethnic class textbook took out this line from the story; you should check out the
original scripts! It‟s worth doing so just to read this line!
Not only Merosu, he has many other fantastic works that center on love and trust! You must read
„Hazakura to Mateki.‟ In the story, older sister cared so deeply for her terminal sister- it‟s so
touching! And it‟s ending is not solely consisted of sadness; it also has a hint of gentle aura and
sparkling of hope. In „Yuki no Yoru no Hanashi‟, the younger sister who wanted her brother‟s
bride to see the beautiful snow scene; and in „Hifu to Kokoro‟, the wife who loved her husband
the way a little girl love- everyone are all very pure, very cute. The five siblings in „Roman
Dourou‟, together they write a novel by relay. Everyone live together in harmony- it‟s like a slice
of life family show. The main female character of „Jyoseito‟ is so cute you can‟t help but want to
hug her!
The story „Haji‟ that has its basis from letters from his female readers, and Dazai‟s last story
„Guddo Bai‟, and the story about men who like to dress frivolously „Oshare Douji‟- they all are
humours stories that shine on different aspects of life. In the author‟s note for „Nyozegamon‟,
you can even see Dazai comically imitating those who tried to provoke Naoya Shiga. If you want
to read something that touches your heart, then read „Chikuken Dan‟ or „Kahei‟! Those works
show the trust and gentleness Dazai had for other people! They are all fantastic works that will
reach the deepest part of your heart! It would be a shame to die before you have a chance to read
them!”
What kind of persuasion is this!
Would someone actually say this stuff to a person who is about to suicide?
But Tooko senpai was totally serious.
Totally serious, tried her best, did her hardest, and even put her life on the line.
Takeda san‟s face, which was looking up to Tooko senpai, gradually changed from incredulous
to something else. Her eyes became mistier and mistier, and it wasn‟t long before her tears
started falling again.
She must have thought this is too bizarre, too idiotic, yet at the same time she couldn‟t help but
force into submission by Tooko senpai‟s brazen speech. Now she doesn‟t know what to do
anymore.
Tooko senpai, who had her body covered in sweat and eyes turned red, struggled to continue-
“After the war ended, among the heavily regulated literature works that was released, you must
also read „Otogi Soushi‟, a comedic story that was based on an ancient story. „Kachikachi Yama‟
was written under the same condition as well. I can guarantee you that your jaw will drop when
you read them!
See! I told you Dazai didn‟t only write „Ningen Shikkaku‟!
It‟s true that he suicide after he completed the book; he also wrote many works that make their
readers gloomy and depress. Maybe „Ningen Shikkaku‟ was really the answer that Dazai arrived
at.
But that‟s not his everything!
In Dazai works, there are many kind and empathic characters. Many of his characters started out
weak and common, but through their determination and effort most of them become strong.
He, inspired by his lover Shzuko Ooda‟s diary about her fallen noble family, wrote the story
„Shayou‟. In the story, the main heroin Kazuko lost both her noble family and her love one, but
she still chooses to give birth to the child alone and live on courageously. In the last chapter, with
the quiet early morning as the backdrop, Dazai‟s took the effort to describe the way the sun, with
its dazzling rays, slowly rises up to the sky- don‟t you agree that the scene is very inspirational!
Despite the fact that the sun always set below the horizon; when the night finally passes, the sun
will for sure rise again!
The beautiful sceneries and story in his „Ougon Fuukei‟, you cannot die without ever
experiencing them. At the very least, before you read all of Dazai Osamu‟s work from front to
back a hundred times, before you write thousands of reports and analysis on his works, you can‟t
die!”
The tears streaming off of Takeda san‟s face fell into the duck mug she was holding.
Her fingers gave way.
The mug fell straight down onto the ground and smashed into a million pieces.
Takeda san, with her now free hand, grabbed onto Tooko senpai‟s- my hand.
Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter6
Chapter 6 - The Proposal of the Literature Girl
A few days had passed after the incident.
Since the incident on the roof, I have not talked to nor seen Takeda-san again.
Yesterday, Kotobuki-san asked me “Your girlfriend hasn‟t been coming to the classroom for a
while lately, did you two break up?” Kotobuki‟s face was red. She lowered her head and began
to wobble her body. She sounded like she was very worried.
“We weren‟t going out to begin with! Also, there is no need for her to consult with me anymore,
so she probably won‟t come ever again.”
“Those things don‟t matter; it‟s just…for the past few weeks…I may have said too
much…that…so…”
She lifted her face; when her eyes met with mine, she blushed even more.
“Nev-, never mind.”
She suddenly turned around and walked away slowly.
But as she was walking away, she suddenly stopped and ran back to me.
“So… that… I mean… just never mind!”
She shouted frantically, and then hurriedly walked away.
She was probably planning to apologize to me. Even though she might say something nasty from
time to time, she is probably not a bad person.
I still go to the Literature Club every single day. I would absentmindedly listen to Tookosenpai‟s
speeches on random life principles or book reviews, and write a 3 topic story as Tookosenpai‟s
snack.
“The topics for today are „staplers‟, „amusement park‟, and „lamb hot pot.‟ The time limit is 50
minutes, starting now!”
*Kachi*
Tooko-senpai rested her arms on the backrest of a chair and moved her upper body forward. She
pressed a button on her silver watch to start the timer. Her shoes were off and she was sitting
with her knees bent on the chair. Her posture was once again inappropriate.
“What is „lamb hot pot‟?”
“You never heard of it? That‟s goat- a hot pot that is consisted of little lambs. On last night‟s TV
news report, the local business news section talked about a restaurant in Ginko. They sliced the
lamb meat into little thin~~~~~~~~ strips and quickly ran them through pots of boiling soup.
They don‟t have that funny goat meat taste at all. And they are so soft that if you eat them half
raw, they will melt on your tongue. The after meal desert was grape pudding, that looked very
tasty as well. After a meal of hot foods, when you eat something cool and sweet, that‟s the best.
So please write something that will melt in the mouth like the lamb hot pot and cool and sweet
like the pudding.”
“Could you stop making confusing comparisons? Gosh…you are too easily influenced by TV
and magazines. Furthermore, how do you link random things like „staplers‟, „amusement park‟,
and „lamb hot pot‟ together?”
“*That* *Is* where a chef can show off his skills! Hoho, I am looking forward to this.”
“You can write something for yourself from time to time.”
In response to that Tooko-senpai raised her index finger and seriously said,
“Konoha-kun, right now as your senpai, I am teaching you ways of life.”
“What‟s that?”
“Foods that are prepared by others taste ten times better than foods you make yourself.”
“Bullshit.”
“Also also, food that one prepares with a dedicated heart tastes a hundred times better! It‟s true!”
She was indirectly saying „so write with all your heart‟. She put her chin on the backrest, and
looked at me happily.
That‟s it. I decided to write the story about a lamb that, like a porcupine, had many staplers
hanging off its back. It got lost in an amusement part, tricked by a witch, and ended up in the
witch‟s lamb hotpot.
As my pen started to fly on the 50 pages of genkoo yoshi, Tooko-senpai stared at me.
“I can‟t write if you keep on staring at me. Go read a book please.”
“Okay, Mr. Chef.”
Just as she said, she turned around. As she swung her legs, she started to read the old books in
this room.
At this moment, only the scratching noise of a pen rubbing against papers, and the creaking noise
of turning book pages can be heard in this dusty enclosed room.
After a while, Tooko-senpai, with her back towards me, said,
“Hey Konoha-kun, what is Chia-chan doing now?”
My hand stopped momentarily.
However I didn‟t want her to know that I was rattled inside, so I resumed writing immediately.
“Who knows…it‟s not my business anymore.”
“But she hasn‟t given me the report yet!”
Tooko-senpai turned her head and looked at me.
“Konoha-kun, could you go to Chia-chan and retrieve the report for me?
I was speechless.
“What are you talking about?! I don‟t want to.”
“But, but, but, we promised. When the assistance ended she has to give me a report.”
“You will for sure get a stomach from eating that thing! I won‟t go! Absolutely won‟t go! If you
really want to eat that tainted thing, Tooko-senpai can go and get it herself.”
Tooko-senpai looked sad again.
Damn. I may have said too much.
“…Konoha-kun, Chia-chan did lie to you, but they weren‟t all lies; some of them were true,
right?
You never asked Chia-chan the reason behind her actions. Do you really want this to end like
this? When you wrote the love letters, didn‟t you wholeheartedly want to help her?”
“…”
I remained silent and continued on with the writing.
“I am done.”
I tore off 3 pages of the draft notepad and handed them to Tooko-senpai.
“Please finish them.”
My „staplers carrying lamb became ingredients for a hotpot‟ story must have tasted pretty bizarre.
Tooko-senpai, with tears in her eyes, tried to shove the 3 pages down her throat.
“Uu…nasty…uun. This is what I honestly think, wha-what a complex taste. Thi- this is really,
really bad…uun…delicious…delicious…truly….uu…if I convince myself it‟s delicious, it will
become delicious…uu….”
I just can‟t handle that person.
All those absurd stories that I wrote nonsensically, she actually swallowed them.
I think it was the spring of last year, when I first joined the literature club.
I intentionally wrote a story very badly. From start to end there was not a single punctuation, or
even a consistent story. She also half cryingly finished the whole story.
“Thank you for the meal. Let's see….punctuations are syntax symbols that are inserted into
phases to give the reader a chance to rest in between readings. While having too much
punctuation will fragment the pace of the story, it might be better to write an excess of them right
from the start. Also, perhaps it would be better to cut back on rhymes.”
Just like this, she idiotically gave me a serious review.
No matter how many times I wrote nonsensically, Tooko-senpai would still eat them. Then, on
the next day, she would come to my class and say,
“It‟s time for the club, Konoha-kun.”
She would greet me with a smile.
Maybe she noticed that back then I locked myself in a shell and avoided interaction with other
people, and so she couldn‟t ignore me.
She may look very airheaded and sure of herself; a literature shoujo who is immersed in her own
world and one who neglects things surrounding her. In truth Tooko-senpai is a stickler to her
principles.
I stayed with her for a year already; perhaps her influence has a greater effect on me than I
thought.
On the following day after school, I came to the library to find Takeda-san.
“Whatever reasons made Takeda-san trick me, I don‟t care anymore. I came here only because
Tooko-senpai wouldn‟t stop talking about eating Takeda-san‟s report, so I have no choice but to
come tell her to hurry up.”
As I muttered to myself, I descended down the rusted spiral staircase that connects to the
basement book storage room.
*Kan**Kan**Kan*
My footsteps were gradually consumed by the underground silence.
I walked down the last step and knocked on the door. An alerted voice answered me,
“Ye, yes.”
“…I am Inoue from the Literature Club.”
“Konoha-senpai! Ple,please wait a second!”
From inside the room I heard noises of books falling, something moving across, mouse squeaks,
and „Shu, go away‟ (to get rid of the mouse). After a moment of silence, Takeda-san finally
opened the door. She stuck her head out hesitantly.
“That…co, come in. I chased the mouse away. It should be…fine now.”
“…Thanks.”
I accepted her offer and went in.
The storage room was just the same as when I entered before. The smell of old paper permeated
the room. The room was both dark and dusty.
The lamp on the desk was like a street lamp on a long and deserted street. It gave out a dim light.
On the desk were an orange and red water bottle and a mug with a duck printed on it. Beside
them laid a metal biscuit box.
“…Tooko-senpai asked me to inquire you about the report.”
Takeda-san lowered her head.
“I am very sorry. I did try to write it, but when I read over everything…it won‟t do…I really
seem to lack talents in writing.
I didn‟t know what I should say in response, so I stayed quiet. Takeda-san kept her head low; her
body appeared to be shrinking as she continued-
“I lied to Konoha-senpai and Tooko-senpai, I am very sorry. I…I wanted to be a detective. Each
day of my life is so plain and boring…I thought that if I found someone I liked, I might be able
to change. If I went out with a boy, and forced myself to like him, then my life would be a bit
more enriched…but I remained an ugly duckling…I couldn‟t become a princess. At first I did
feel quite happy; but I became used to this, ah, this is just the same…
It was at that time that I found Shuuji‟s letter here.
After I read it my chest felt terrible, I even cried when I read.
I want to know more about this person.
I want to be closer to this person.
If I can do that, then maybe I can transform myself into someone different. Even someone like
me may have the chance to experience those dokidoki [TL note: SFX for heartbeat], fluttering,
exciting stories.
This…this was what I thought.”
“…It was you who cut out the portrait from the year book, wasn‟t it?”
“Yes. As I investigated and learned more about Shuuji-senpai, I became more fixated on finding
the truth behind Shuuji-senpai‟s suicide.
Everyday after school I would lock myself in this room, and imagined outrageous scenarios to
deduct what had happened. Doing so made me very cheerful- it almost felt as if I had become a
real detective.
If only I snapped out of it then…
When I saw Konoha-senpai handing out flyers to new students- you looked just like Shuujisenpai,
I was stunned.
And then, I had an idea.
If I could somehow arrange a meeting between Konoha-senpai and the alumni of the Archery
Club, I would be able to figure out who S was; and from that I would find the truth behind
Shuuji‟s death.”
For this, Takeda-san used Tooko-senpai‟s love advice mailbox to approach me, and completed
her goal.
„Shuuji-senpai is real! It‟s true!‟
Takeda-san did repeatedly assert that.
To Takeda-san, the person Shuuji Kataoka was not a mystic being who existed only in his letter;
he was a real person with blood and flesh.
Takeda-san deeply believed that.
Furthermore, Shuuji-senpai was a very important figure in Takeda-san‟s heart.
But now, Takeda-san looked very lonely.
“It was my idiotic behavior that got Konoha-senpai into a lot of trouble. I am very sorry. Other
than the newfound bitterness, nothing about me has changed.”
Takeda-san softly lifted up her duck mug.
“My best friend, who gave me this mug, died from a car accident two years ago. She, just like
Sakiko-san, got run over by a car-…”
That‟s why!
The reason why Takeda-san was so obsessed with Shuuji-senpai was perhaps because, just like
Shuuji-senpai, she also had someone who died from a car accident. Following that line of
thinking, I can understand a bit of what Takeda-san was feeling; my chest became a bit stuffed.
“…That girl was very strong, very optimistic about everything. She was also very smart, a leader
of our class. Compared to me, she should the one who lead a wonderful life…”
Takeda-san‟s voice trailed off into an almost inaudible mutter.
Her eyes, which were staring at the mug, were now mixed with sorrow.
“Takeda-san…I think living a normal life is not bad! At least for myself, I am in favor of a
common life.”
“Right…”
Takeda-san smiled lonelily.
Then, she jerked her head up, and, in a sudden lively tone, she rapidly said-
“Do you know? Today is the 10 year anniversary of Shuuji‟s death. So I will…make myself a bit
of a final memory. But, I have to go now. Hiro-kun is waiting for me.”
Takeda-san started to clean up the stuff on her desk.
Even though she had a smile on her face, a hint of tears could be seen in her eyes. To prevent
those tears from coming out, she tried to open her eyes as much as possible, so her expression
appeared very unnatural.
Takeda-san picked up her personal belongings, turned to me, and with a laughing tone said to
me-
“I will be going then. I am very happy to have this talk with Konoha-senpai. Thank you for
coming to see me.”
“Takeda-san… it‟s best if you don‟t force yourself to write the report. It‟s not like it is a fun job.
Even if you do write it nothing would change, I think…”
In an instant, Takeda-san‟s face became a bit dazed. She blinked a few times and looked up. A
grin appeared on the side of her mouth.
“That‟s right…even if I did write it…it would be filled with tragic stories…nothing would
change…”
Even though she was just repeating what I had said, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest when I
heard that.
Ah, that‟s right. Even if the report was written, nothing would change.
Writing cannot save anyone.
Takeda-san softly said “Good bye.”
And gave me her final smile.
*KanKanKanKan*
In the sweetly scented book storage room, as she ascended the spiral staircase, I quietly listened
to her fading footsteps.
I suddenly remembered the raining scene where Takeda-san cried into my chest.
And then, I remembered the smile Takeda-san had when she was eating lunch with her boyfriend
at the courtyard.
Soeda-san and Rihoko-san chose to carry the burden of Shuuji Kataoka for the remainder of their
lives.
And Takeda-san can finally graduate from the memories of Shuuji-senpai.
After that, she and Hiro-kun will together live through peaceful and normal days.
I sincerely wished that Takeda-san could live happily ever after.
But it was only my wishful thinking.
Dazai, in his „Ningen Shikkaku‟, said that the passage of time is the cure, or the redemption, that
is bestowed upon everyone equally.
At that moment I was feeling a bit melancholic, so I decided to walk between the bookshelves
and absentmindedly browse through the titles of the stack.
I read that book…I haven‟t read that book…I only glanced through that book… In the dimly lit
room, all sorts of different titles flowed through my sight.
“Ah…”
When I saw that title, I stopped.
“It‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟…”
It was probably this particular book that contained Shuuji-senpai‟s letters.
I extended my index finger and tried to pull the book out. The book was stored in a box cover;
the faded yellow cover was dotted with tea color dots.
“Uuh, the book is stuck.”
I couldn‟t pull out the book.
“…Hm, is something sticking to the book...? Wah!”
Under my intense pull, the book and a notebook-like object flew out and fell onto the ground.
*ba**saa*
By reflex I bent down to pick up the book, and something came into my eyes. I was startled.
A small piece of photograph was on the floor. The photo, which seemed to have been cut out by
a pair of scissors, had a boy in it. The boy, with his nearly identical face, stared back at me.
Right beside the photo was a notebook with a duck printed on its cover.
For whatever reason, it was almost as if someone intentionally hid the notebook here.
Moreover, it was hidden in that „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
This is just likeI
suddenly felt a sinking feeling in my chest.
I picked up the notebook off the ground, and I hurriedly read over the tiny lettered articles.
When I saw the first line of the notebook, I felt as if I was falling head first into the abyss.
I forced myself to go on; I restrained myself until I reached and finished the last page.
Immediately I cursed at my own stupidity, slammed the notebook shut, and dashed out of the
door.
◇ ◇ ◇
Mine has been a life of much shame.
The first time I noticed my deviancy was when my grandmother, who treasured me very
much, passed away from this world.
I remember after my grandmother had a heart attack, she had to stay on her bad all the
time. Whenever I came near her bed to visit her, she would always gently stroke my head
and say, “You are such a good child.” She would look pleased. Her eyes would form two
tiny lines as she smiled.
But I was not what my grandmother thought I was- an obedient and empathic child. Her
scrawny hands, her shriveled up face, her muddle white hair, and the disgusting medicine
stench emitted from her body, all these revolted and horrified me to no end.
“You are such a good child.”
Every time she used that coarse voice to whisper to my ears, I would feel like she had laid a
jinx on me. My neck would become stiff, my body would shudder.
If grandmother finds out I am not a good child; if she finds out that I loathe her- no doubt
she would stand straight up from her bed. Her white hair would stand on their ends like a
yashya, red flames would come out of her hazes, and that would swallow me alive. I was
really frightened by these thoughts, so dreaded that I would lie in bed at night, eyes wide
open, and cold sweat coming off my back.
As I grew older, I became more and more aware that the difference and the gap between
how I thought and how others thought was increasing. Things that saddened or pleased
others, I did not feel anything. Not even a tiny bit of these events resonated with my
emotion.
Why do others feel happy?
Why do others feel sad?
During track and field competitions or ball games, when everyone excitedly cheered for
their teams; or a classmate was about to transfer schools, when everyone sadly said
farewell to the classmate, I would be like a linguistically challenged foreigner. I stood
among others, and I felt unease spreading throughout my body. I would wane my body
posture. My stomach would start to twist itself. Other people are talking non-stop, yet I
know nothing of what they say.
Why? Why is everyone crying? Ah, I really don‟t understand. But, if only I appeared
emotionless when everyone else was crying, others would find it strange, so I must make
myself cry. But my face is so stiff that it is impossible. My face started to blush again. If
others noticed I am only faking my sadness, what should I do? I cannot lift my head, not
now. So I lowered my head even further, and put on a melancholic expression. Ah, this
time everyone is laughing together. What is so funny about it? I really don‟t know. But, if I
don‟t have the same reaction as others, they will label me as a queer, and I would have no
friends.
Now is the time to laugh. I must laugh, and laugh. No, let‟s cry, and cry. No, the reaction
for this should be laughter, I must react with laughter.
In front of my parents, teachers, and classmates, I struggled to act and react politely. I
acted goofily, just to make others like me. Ah, I sincerely hope that no one will ever find out
that I am a monster who lacks a human heart. I hope I can camouflage myself into a mere
silly and idiotic clown, just to make others laugh with me, pity me, forgive me. And this can
go on forever and ever and so will I.
Until I entered high school, until I met S, I never realized I was merely a clown.
◇ ◇ ◇
As I panted from the dash, I climbed up the staircase that lead to the roof.
The third hand note wasn‟t written by Shuuji Kataoka; it was written by Takeda-san.
How could I be so foolish?
I have always used my shallow, naive common sense to view the girl Chia Takeda.
Why was Takeda-san so determined to find S?
Why was Takeda-san obsessed with Shuuji Kataoka‟s death?
My imagination was too lacking.
Takeda-san, her round face, her lively eyes, her childlike behavior, her cheerful smile, her
puppy-like pureness, her naivety, her outgoing personality- all I saw was only the surface.
I never once suspected that they were all acts by Takeda-san-!
◇ ◇ ◇
Let‟s talk about S!
S was the person that understood me best. She was my sworn enemy and my good friend.
She was my other half and my opposing self.
With her fearful intelligence, she saw through my everything.
All the clowns‟ tricks I did to make others think I was perfect, they completely failed on S.
So, I was terrified of her.
Because I was terrified of her, I couldn‟t escape from her side.
In the classroom, in the club, I was always at S‟s side.
I felt S‟s eyes were of divine judgement. My constant fear and shame made me tremble and
sweat.
The world is hell.
And I am S‟s slave.
On my 14th birthday, S gave me a mug, one that had a duck printed on it.
S said the duck looked as dense as I did.
When I replied with a „hehehe‟, S looked straight at me and asked do I really want to
continue on living like this.
I became afraid.
I am just a monster disguised as a duck; this antagonized S very much.
I tried to shift S‟s attention to other things. I put on an exaggerated expression and told a
few jokes.
But S didn‟t laugh; she angrily said- “Fine, be that way, be a dumb duck forever then” and
stormed off.
I chased after S.
If S abandoned me, She would tell everyone what a monster I was!
If I don‟t make S cheer up…
If I don‟t pull S back…
If I let S leave like that, I may just as well die-!
When I came to this conclusion, I intentionally tripped on the street.
Surprised, S turned her head to me. She frowned as if she gave up, and ran toward me.
Just as I eased up, a car came out of nowhere; it crashed into S‟s fragile body and pushed
her away. Her body slammed onto the ground, and remained there, motionless.
The girl Shizuka Saitou had died by the hands of the monster known as Chia Takeda.
On that day, the soft flesh was crushed. From it the sweet and sour scent of red blood
spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene.
I, killed, a person.
Perhaps even God does not want to save me.
◇ ◇ ◇
„I am really common.‟
„Even though I finished „Ningen Shikkaku‟, I am still unable to comprehend the story.‟
„I am really common, and my I am not smart, I am useless. Dazai Osamu and Shuuji-senpai‟s
yearning for death, even if I spend my life thinking about why, I still won‟t understand. I read
„Ningen Shikkaku‟ from front to back 5 times, yet I still don‟t understand…so at the end, all I
could do was cry.‟
What were Takeda-san‟s true feelings when she said she couldn‟t understand „Ningen
Shikkaku‟?
„So at the end, all I could do was cry.‟
What emotion ran through Takeda‟s head when she cried?
„This is-too strange. He rants too much. There is no point in living so painfully.‟
What was in her heart when she said those hurtful words?
◇ ◇ ◇
I said to that boy, yeah we can try going out.
That boy, just like a little puppy, shows an innocent smile.
He has complete untainted trust in me. He entrusts his everything to me.
He is just a naive, pure, kind hearted, positive, the blessed and beloved white goat of god.
A boy like him, makes me filled with jealous and despise. At the same time, I couldn‟t stop
my longings for his pureness.
Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, this child, can change my being.
People often say love can change a person.
Perhaps this boy can save me from my destruction.
Maybe from now on, I will no longer be a loveless, apathetic monster. I will become a real
human.
Ah, I really want to be someone like that.
A burning hot steam rose up in my chest; I fervently prayed for that.
Fall in love with the boy.
Even though the love is fake at first, it might turn into the real thing one day.
◇ ◇ ◇
The words that Takeda-san said to me, now that I look at them in another context, stood for
something completely different.
On that rainy day, when she hugged me near the school building; or when I questioned Takedasan
about the existence of Shuuji-senpai- on both occasion Takeda-san had that sad expression.
I completely misunderstood the reason behind that sorrowful face.
◇ ◇ ◇
I put on a smile whenever I am in front of him; I kept on repeating, with my sweet voice,
that I love him.
Day by day he fell in love with me a bit more; day by day I became sadder and sadder.
Even if I still had that clown act as my disguise, my heart was as weak and tired as a dying
patient. At times I would even feel like my body was being spilt apart.
On that rainy day, next to the school building, when that boy‟s lips touched mine,
something in my heart seemed to explode. It wasn't happiness; it was intense repugnance,
so much so that all the hair on my body stood up.
Ahh, you surprised me~~! I laughed and ran away as if I was embarrassed.
My vision was spinning all around me. I wanted to vomit something hot and solid from
inside my throat. Many times I covered my mouth with my hands. Just like that I ran in
the rain.
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I can‟t take this anymore. I hate everything.
How come I am still alive after I killed S?
Shouldn‟t it be the other way around?
Shouldn‟t I be the one who is killed by S?
Wasn‟t it because that was what I long for, that I cowered next to S‟s feet like a slave, and
followed her?
I hated and was afraid of S; but deep in my heart, I looked forward to being destroyed by S.
Only S, it was S, that should have been the person who killed me!
But S is here no more.
I, who is despicable and fragile, cannot face other people‟s disappointment, denouncement
and discrimination. I can only live as a clown in this world for the rest of my life.
Compared to when I was with S, the hell I am left with is much more cruel and has no
redemption.
◇ ◇ ◇
“I think living a normal life is not bad! At least for myself, I am in favour of a common life.”
„Right…‟
Why did I say something as insensitive as this?
I didn‟t know about this. I didn‟t know anything.
When I said „living a normal life is not bad,‟ Takeda-san must have felt an indescribable amount
of pain and despair.
◇ ◇ ◇
I read a letter written by another person like me.
It‟s like seeing another me. My chest was overwhelmed, without pause my tears kept on
rolling down my face.
Ah, I finally meet another person who feels the same as I do.
Only he can understand the sufferings in my heart.
This letter was also written by imitating his letter.
The more I write, the closer I feel I am to him.
◇ ◇ ◇
Takeda-san read Shuuji Kataoka‟s letter and became deeply attracted to him, so much so that she
relentlessly tried to uncover the truth behind his death. She wasn't attracted because he had
qualities she didn‟t.
She wasn‟t attracted to him because their personalities were opposite.
She was attracted to him because this person had the same soul as she did; she couldn‟t help but
want to prove that this person once existed.
◇ ◇ ◇
Who was his S?
What do I need to do to uncover S‟s weakness?
If I can rattle S‟s heart, I would be able to dig out all of S‟s secrets.
Yes, only S knows the cause of his death.
How did he die? Did he choose to commit suicide, or was he killed by S? At his final
moment, what did he say? What sort of expression did he have when he died?
As one who has the same soul as he, what sort of answer am I looking for?
This is where my road will lead to.
What‟s your reason for living? What‟s your reason for dying?
Ah, I want to know. No matter what happen I want to know. I must know this.
In all of my waking and sleeping time, my mind couldn‟t stop scheming this. Finally, from
an unexpected incident, I got the key to S‟s destruction.
◇ ◇ ◇
With the immense pain, as if my chest was being burned by a molten pig iron, I finally
understood.
Takeda-san and Shuuji Kataoka were the same kind of person.
They both longed to be destroyed by their S- someone who understood them the best, someone
who was at the same time their worst enemy. And they both lost their closest person because of
their schemes.
They deeply blamed themselves for it, and slowly, their minds broke down.
After Takeda-san lost her closest friend, Takeda-san was overflowed with the pain from her guilt
and conscience. The letter from Shuuji Kataoka served as a compass that was supposed to lead
her out of this torture.
So Takeda-san sprang into action.
She let I, who looked like Shuuji, get close to the Archery club alumni to deduce who S was.
From this, she sent all my letters to him.
◇ ◇ ◇
As if bit by bit I slowly injected poison into S- S became more and more crazy. All this
gradually happened under my calm eyes.
I know S‟s attitude is not as tranquil as it once was.
S would constantly look around; S‟s voice would shake.
When S was alone, there would be endless sighs. Sometimes S would even grab one‟s hair,
and then S would, as if frightened, turn around and look behind.
◇ ◇ ◇
She wanted to find out what Shuuji really said before he died- was it the same as what she
imagined.
How did he die?
Was it murder? Or suicide?
Did someone kill him, or did he choose death by himself?
Takeda wanted to know.
No matter what, she must know.
◇ ◇ ◇
The time is near.
Everything is ready.
All that‟s left is to open the door with the key.
◇ ◇ ◇
In Takeda-san‟s notebook where she put her confession in, on its last page she wrote-
◇ ◇ ◇
Konoha-senpai has given me the answer.
Then, let‟s go up to the roof!
◇ ◇ ◇
Second floor
Third floor
Forth floor
I felt like the staircase is extending upward into infinity. The nervousness and fear of never
reaching Takeda san swelled in my mind.
When I finish climbing the stair, what awaits me at the end? Would it be a tragedy that has
already ended?
Just like that time with Miu? Would I stand there, motionless, only there to witness the sight of
Takeda san throwing herself down the building?
My heart was about to tear. I felt so dizzy that I was about to collapse.
No more.
Just like that time, I won‟t make it.
For my own sake I shouldn't go! If I go, I would see things I don‟t want to see- this would only
increase my pain.
I can‟t go.
My lips and fingertips felt numb. I panted like a wild beast. My vision started to blur.
These symptoms were gone after I entered senior high school; yet when Soeda san dragged me to
the roof, I couldn‟t do so much as to breath.
Just like that time, an immense hunger and unease surged towards me. My body became ice cold.
A painful goggling voice was released by my throat. I leaned forward weakly and I had to steady
myself by holding the rail.
This hurts so much.
I am about to die.
Ah, I won‟t make it. It‟s too late. Even if I do reach the roof it‟s no use. It‟s no use. Everyone can
only live on unhappily. There is no way to change this. It‟s too late to say anything.
--No, it‟s not true.
As I was about to fall into the abyss known as despair, an invisible hand pulled me up.
Maybe it was Tooko Senpai‟s hand.
It was her who took my limp hand and, without giving up, she pulled me to here.
Tooko senpai never abandoned me.
To me, who was crying about not wanting to work for anything anymore, or was crying about
not knowing anything anymore- she would gently said that I must find my own answer.
No matter how painful, how tragic and how awful I feel, I must stand up on my own legs and
find my answer.
Like Merosu who didn‟t want to break his promise with his friend, I stood up and ran as if
nothing else is on my mind.
I didn‟t feel pain and sorrow anymore; I ignored the tearing pain of my heart, nor did I let my
shortness of breath and blurry vision bother me anymore. I put all my attention into reaching the
roof as fast as possible.
A heavy door appeared at end of the infinite staircase. I slammed into it to open the door.
The color of the sky was as azure as it has always been.
Takeda san was standing outside of the guard rail.
Her little back looked very weak and limp.
“Don‟t! Takeda san!”
As I yell I ran toward her. She also turned to me in surprised. I saw that she was holding that
duck mug. Ah, the sight of her really intending on killing herself made my chest stiff.
“Don‟t, Takeda san. You can‟t die. Don‟t let this be the end of everything! You are not Shuuji
Senpai! You are Chia Takeda! You are different from Shuuji Senpai! Just because he suicide
doesn‟t mean you have to do the same!”
A grievous expression appeared on Takeda san„s face.
I reached over the guardrail and grabbed Takeda‟s wrist.
I leaned forward my shoulders to catch my breath, and word by word I said-
“You must find a different answer than Shuuji senpai‟s!”
When she finally noticed the crumpled notebook in my hand, she bitterly smiled.
“Konoha senpai…that notebook…you have already read it. It was supposed to be...discovered
something like ten years later…That was a message to me ten years from now, just like how
Shuuji senpai left his letter to- to me. The letter is what‟s left…”
“What the hell are you talking about?! You don‟t have to go on the same road as Shuuji senpai!
Come back here.”
Drops of clear tears rolled down her face as if those were her bitterness about how no one can
ever understand her.
“But Konoha senpai, I can‟t stand the shame and pain of living in this world anymore.”
Her suppressed voice, soaked with sorrow, pieced into my chest and rendered me speechless.
Konoha, surely you won‟t understand.
Ah, is the incident with Miu about to repeat itself on me again?
“Hey, Konoha senpai, did you realize that Shuuji Senpai didn‟t choose to kill himself to escape
from the guilt of killing Sakiko san? It was because Sakiko san got ran over by a car right in
front of him, and he still couldn‟t feel anything from it. It was his apathy that made him despair
about himself.
It‟s the same for me.
I killed Shi chan.
If I didn‟t fake the trip, then Shi chan wouldn‟t run back and get hit by a car. This is the same as
I kill her.
But, even with Shi chan bled to death in front of me, I still couldn‟t feel anything.
Even at her funeral I didn‟t shed a single tear.
I put myself into a daze.
My family and friends, plus Shi chan‟s parent, were whispering around me saying that the sight
of my best friend dying in front of me must have traumatized me, and I have closed up my heart
as a result. I feel so sorry for her, let her be alone for a moment.
That‟s not true!
I wasn‟t sad at all!
No matter how I tried to remember my memories with Shi chan to make myself cry, I couldn‟t
do it. I couldn‟t even squeeze out an ounce of sadness. Shi chan is dead, and I still couldn‟t feel
anything.
This is- this is too weird! A person has died! And she was my best friend! Why do I not feel sad
at all, this is too abnormal!”
Takeda san became more and more hysteric; her wet eyes too were becoming more and more
despair.
I cannot bring myself to say „No, that‟s normal.‟
Using my common sense, I know what she said was deviant, so I couldn‟t counter.
I know very well the fear associated with everyday lives; but I am just a tender child living under
my caring parents, I did not live through anything that can make me understand that intense
despair that bind Takeda‟s tortured heart.
“I am not killing myself to escape from the guilt of killing Shi chan- I am killing myself because
of my apathy to Shi Chan‟s death. I am too shameful and fearful of myself, I cannot live.
Dazai said it as well, even if one continues on living, his filthy sins will only increase in number,
and his issues will only intensify! He also said „To seek death is to die. Living is the seed of
guilt!‟ I can not tolerate myself living like this any longer! Konoha senpai, do you think
something like me can go on living? Are you still telling me to live my life? Are you going to tell
me that death is wrong? I am not supposed to be relieved of my misery?”
The hands that I used to grab Takeda san loosen up a bit.
Rihoko san wanted to relief the tortured Shuuji senpai of his pain, so she accomplished his wish
for him.
ButBut
IMy
once loosen hands tighten up even more.
Takeda san opened her eyes wide.
“I don‟t know…I don‟t know! Maybe I am mistaken, maybe I said some pretty harsh things to
you, but I still can‟t let you die. Even though right now I can‟t tell you why you mustn‟t die, but I
will help you think of a worthy reason to live! So please don‟t kill yourself in a rush! Try and
live on! I will help you think as well, I will help carry your burden with you! I can do at least
that!”
Takeda san was still crying.
“Even if…you tell me this...”
“Please, Takeda san. Please come back to this side.”
“No…I am already…”
Takeda san shook away my hands. Her action caused her to lose her balance and she lost her
footing on the ledge.
“Takeda san!”
The duck notebook dropped down onto the concrete floor; the strong wind rapidly turned the
pages.
I had my whole body on the floor, with me pulling on one of Takeda‟s hand.
Takeda san‟s legs, and the other hand that she is using to hold the mug, are dangerously dangling
in the wind like kites that are caught by power lines.
“Let me go…let me die like this…”
Takeda san begged me weakly.
“…I won‟t!”
My arm is breaking. Ah, if only I didn‟t lock myself in my house all the time, if only I am
stronger.
“Please! Konoha senpai…”
“Absolutely not!”
No way am I letting you go. Letting you go? When Miu fell right in front of me, all I did was
stood there motionless.
Even if I didn‟t understand what Miu was feeling, even if I couldn‟t said anything that could
change her mind, I should have at least ran to her and tightly held onto her.
I could have extended my hands and stopped her.
This is why, this time I will not let go!
“You can‟t die! Living by definition means going through humiliations! Even I had a secret
identity of being a mysterious bishoujo two years ago. I was so ashamed that I refused to go to
school and locked myself in the house. I had no future, and look! I am living fine now!”
Without thinking I yelled that out, and this made Takeda san opened her eyes in shock.
“Gi-girl…..?”
At this moment, because of our sweat, Takeda san‟s hand slid away.
But immediately, that hand was caught by another pair of arms coming from my side.
“That‟s right. Everyone has something shameful that they don‟t want to tell others. I am like that
as well. I even ate the copy of “The Great Gatsby” I borrowed from the library awhile ago.”
Tooko Senpai was lying on the ground with her flat chest on the concrete floor. Her face was
frowning with pain. Both her hands were in between the guard rails and are now tightly gripping
Takeda‟s hand.
I quickly used both my arms to hold onto Takeda‟s hand as well.
“…Tooko senpai, why are you still here?”
“…Ku, I just went to the library, and a library assistant girl told me that Konoha ran out of the
room…so I come to find you…”
For someone like Tooko senpai, who stays in her house even more than I do, it‟s probably hard
for her to maintain this position.
Takeda san confusedly said-
“Ate the copy of...‟The Great Gatsby‟…What…the”
Tooko senpai‟s pale forehead is dripping sweat now. She strenuously answered-
“…Well…In this world there are many unexplained things! To find the truth behind these events
are one of the joys in life!”
Suddenly a rowdy noise can be heard from below.
It‟s probably someone on the ground finally noticed us and people were starting to panic.
Takeda san looked down and sighed. Maybe she thought that pulling with us like this won‟t do
her goal any good, Takeda san looked as if she was about to shake our hands off. Tooko Senpai
yelled-
“Other than „Ningen Shikkaku‟, have you read any other stories by Dazai Osamu?”
“Eh?”
This question caught Takeda san by surprise and she stopped struggling.
Tooko senpai continued to pull on Takeda san‟s hand, and forcefully yelled-
“Some people only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟ and thought that all of Dazai Osamu‟s works are
filled with moody melancholic and unhealthy tones. This conclusion is made too rashly. If you
only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, you haven‟t read enough to comment on the general themes of
Dazai Osamu‟s works. In Ethnic class, isn‟t „Hashire Merosu‟ a required reading? Don‟t you
agree that Merosu, who only went to the market to buy his sister a birthday present, but instead,
became filled with righteous anger when he realized the tyranny of the king. He entered the royal
palace through the front entrance just so he can assassinate the king. That reckless Merosu,
driven by his straight mindedness and innocence, don‟t you think he is charming? Don‟t you ever
feel excited by his sincere friendship with the mason? Merosu is so driven by his belief that he
ran back to the mason naked!”
Ah, what are you talking about, Tooko senpai.
I wanted to cover my head with my hands.
But Tooko senpai, with sweat dripping off of face, continued in all seriousness-
“Try and imagine! Even though the story set place in a different time period, it must be very
embarrassing to run on the street naked. But Merosu disregarded all these and ran to his friend‟s
side, even though he had no cloth on. His straight-minded action moved even the cynical,
tyrannical and ruthless king!
At the end of the story the mason said „Merosu, you are not wearing any clothing.‟ From what I
remember, the Ethnic class textbook took out this line from the story; you should check out the
original scripts! It‟s worth doing so just to read this line!
Not only Merosu, he has many other fantastic works that center on love and trust! You must read
„Hazakura to Mateki.‟ In the story, older sister cared so deeply for her terminal sister- it‟s so
touching! And it‟s ending is not solely consisted of sadness; it also has a hint of gentle aura and
sparkling of hope. In „Yuki no Yoru no Hanashi‟, the younger sister who wanted her brother‟s
bride to see the beautiful snow scene; and in „Hifu to Kokoro‟, the wife who loved her husband
the way a little girl love- everyone are all very pure, very cute. The five siblings in „Roman
Dourou‟, together they write a novel by relay. Everyone live together in harmony- it‟s like a slice
of life family show. The main female character of „Jyoseito‟ is so cute you can‟t help but want to
hug her!
The story „Haji‟ that has its basis from letters from his female readers, and Dazai‟s last story
„Guddo Bai‟, and the story about men who like to dress frivolously „Oshare Douji‟- they all are
humours stories that shine on different aspects of life. In the author‟s note for „Nyozegamon‟,
you can even see Dazai comically imitating those who tried to provoke Naoya Shiga. If you want
to read something that touches your heart, then read „Chikuken Dan‟ or „Kahei‟! Those works
show the trust and gentleness Dazai had for other people! They are all fantastic works that will
reach the deepest part of your heart! It would be a shame to die before you have a chance to read
them!”
What kind of persuasion is this!
Would someone actually say this stuff to a person who is about to suicide?
But Tooko senpai was totally serious.
Totally serious, tried her best, did her hardest, and even put her life on the line.
Takeda san‟s face, which was looking up to Tooko senpai, gradually changed from incredulous
to something else. Her eyes became mistier and mistier, and it wasn‟t long before her tears
started falling again.
She must have thought this is too bizarre, too idiotic, yet at the same time she couldn‟t help but
force into submission by Tooko senpai‟s brazen speech. Now she doesn‟t know what to do
anymore.
Tooko senpai, who had her body covered in sweat and eyes turned red, struggled to continue-
“After the war ended, among the heavily regulated literature works that was released, you must
also read „Otogi Soushi‟, a comedic story that was based on an ancient story. „Kachikachi Yama‟
was written under the same condition as well. I can guarantee you that your jaw will drop when
you read them!
See! I told you Dazai didn‟t only write „Ningen Shikkaku‟!
It‟s true that he suicide after he completed the book; he also wrote many works that make their
readers gloomy and depress. Maybe „Ningen Shikkaku‟ was really the answer that Dazai arrived
at.
But that‟s not his everything!
In Dazai works, there are many kind and empathic characters. Many of his characters started out
weak and common, but through their determination and effort most of them become strong.
He, inspired by his lover Shzuko Ooda‟s diary about her fallen noble family, wrote the story
„Shayou‟. In the story, the main heroin Kazuko lost both her noble family and her love one, but
she still chooses to give birth to the child alone and live on courageously. In the last chapter, with
the quiet early morning as the backdrop, Dazai‟s took the effort to describe the way the sun, with
its dazzling rays, slowly rises up to the sky- don‟t you agree that the scene is very inspirational!
Despite the fact that the sun always set below the horizon; when the night finally passes, the sun
will for sure rise again!
The beautiful sceneries and story in his „Ougon Fuukei‟, you cannot die without ever
experiencing them. At the very least, before you read all of Dazai Osamu‟s work from front to
back a hundred times, before you write thousands of reports and analysis on his works, you can‟t
die!”
The tears streaming off of Takeda san‟s face fell into the duck mug she was holding.
Her fingers gave way.
The mug fell straight down onto the ground and smashed into a million pieces.
Takeda san, with her now free hand, grabbed onto Tooko senpai‟s- my hand.
