We get taken to a small hall to the side of the palace. Upon seeing Lu Zuan, the two guards at the entrance immediately stand up and bow in ceremony. Lu Zuan orders them to open the doors. Unable to help myself, I try to take a peek inside. Rajiva is nowhere to be found, however. On the bed is a young woman without a stich of clothing on, arms curled tight to hide her chest. I can barely recognize her as the little girl Asuyamati from back then. Seeing us, she immediately huddles into a corner of the bed, head cast down, her curly red hair falling down to cover her face.
“How’s the situation?” Lu Zuan asks the guards.
The two men sneer as they report: “Following the General’s orders, we have stripped them of their clothes but no avail. So we had forced Kumarajiva to drink wine earlier. We even mixed it with a bit of ‘medicine’. Faced with such a fair-skinned, delicate-looking princess like that, if it was anyone else, they’d have rushed forward immediately, let alone someone who has consumed wine laced with ‘medicine’. We thought the monk was impotent, but it does not seem to be the case. He merely forced himself to vomit everything we gave him to drink. Such indomitable will! But this kind of spirit really does make one admire him. Perhaps he really is a great master-”
Lu Zuan glares at them. The guards immediately shut up. He then turns to me and orders coldly:
“If he still does not break his vows tonight and my father loses his wager, you know well what the consequences would be, yes?”
Seeing how much they have tortured Rajiva has made my blood boil. The history books wrote that Rajiva broke his precepts because he was forced out of his clothes and made to drink wine, but they did not write about the fact that his wine was laced with aphrodisiac. Now, having heard such barbaric words pass Lu Zuan’s mouth, my head jerks up, all the anger in me ready to burst.
But before I could do so, Pusysdeva has quickly moved to stand in front of me.
“Young General, there is no cause to worry for she will certainly give her all tonight. Those concubines and servants will definitely become your father’s.”
Pusysdeva glances around, then moves to where a long table is and takes off the table cloth. After that, he steps inside the room, wraps the cloth around the Princess and helps her stand up. When he’s making his exit, he pauses for a second, face turning to a corner and lets his expression fall for a brief moment as a soft sigh escapes him. Princess Asuyamati’s face up close is deathly pale and clearly frightened. When he passes by me, he says loudly in Han:
“Enter quickly and do not disappoint General Lu!
He then switches to Tocharian and says in a whisper: “He has waited for you the past ten years. Make him happy.”
His face is eerily calm but there’s a certain sadness at the corner of his eyes. I look at Pusysdeva, summon all the courage I can before nodding and heading inside. The doors drift shut.
I turn my eyes towards the corner where Pusysdeva was staring at earlier and finally see a thin figure huddling there. My breathing comes to a stop. I don’t dare to look at him. Rajiva, it has only been nine months for me but for you, it’s already been ten years. Those nine months full of longing have made me a dry husk of myself. But you, you have been spending these long nights all alone with only the Buddha as your company the past ten years! How did you bear such loneliness? If it was the other way around, I don’t think I’d have been able to last this long. Forgive me for making you wait this whole time. Forgive me for choosing to come to you at this particular juncture in your life. I hope that this is the time where you need the most. If possible, I will not leave you again this time. Let me compensate you for the last ten years.
I hold my breath and quietly approach his side. I have yet to see him and the signs of age on his face, but my heart is already beating fast and squeezing tight.
Not a single piece of cloth is covering Rajiva. He’s sitting with his knees drawn tight to his chest, head cast down, like that of a fetus still inside a mother’s womb. His honeycomb skin is glowing under the light overhead. I look around and see that there’s no curtains on the windows, no table cloth, no blanket on the bed, absolute nothing that can be used to cover him. I smile bitterly. Lu Guang is certainly as cruel as the books say!
I pull out a jacket from my backpack and step closer to him. The pungent smell of alcohol is radiating from him in waves, and on the ground next to him is a mess from vomit. I kneel down and drape the jacket over him. My fingers brush his skin and find it burning. The little touch startles him, making him look up. Those grey eyes of his that used to be like two fathomless pools of water are now bloodshot. He has become much thinner, his face narrower, and there’s a bit of stubble dusting his chin. His face is bright red like he is about to combust. Ten years have passed, but he is still as handsome as ever. However, the years have unfortunately left behind a few shallow lines of wrinkles on his forehead. These past few days of torturous conditions have left him haggard, his lips pale and chapped. There’s a bit of dry blood at the corner of his mouth, which must have been because he was biting on his lips too hard, for there’s also an imprint of teeth on them.
“Rajiva…”
The more I look at him, the more my heart clenches in pain. Having to suffer such indignity and cruelty, would a normal person be able to hang on for as long as he has? It’s not about trying to hold onto his vows, this is him trying all his might to protect his life-long beliefs. How could Lu Guang make him suffer so for some stupid bet?
Those exhausted eyes of his look at me for a long second before widening. A ray of light seems to shine through the gray pupils, full of disbelief as he stares at my face. His cracked lips open slowly and a thin voice comes out, trembling like a dry leaf in the wind.
“It’s me, I am back,” I tell him.
“A-Ai…Qing…” Each spoken syllable comes out as stuttered breath, barely discernable, after he takes his time gazing at my face for a long while. But all of a sudden, his face crumbles in embarrassment. His shoulders draw back and his whole body trembles as he turns away. His voice comes out again full of pain:
“Don’t…Don’t look at me.”
“Rajiva…”
My heart breaks at his words. That a grand master such as him has to suffer like this, how could one’s heart not ache!
“Don’t cry…”
He turns around, one hand reaching forward as if to gently cusp my face but when his fingers are almost touching me, he immediately withdraws them. He shuts his eyes, right hand clutching the string of prayer beads, the beads so old now that you can barely see any colour on them. He fingers the beads as he chants mantras, as if I am merely air. They’re the ones I gave to him over twenty years ago. On his left wrist is a string of clear agate beads, and even this one is already over ten years old.
“Rajiva, what’s wrong?”
Seeing that the only things left on his body are the strings of beads from years ago, I bite my lips to stop of the tears from flowing.
“Desire begets illusions, that which do not base itself in reality. An illusion is merely a blindfold. All things are empty and non-existent.” He continues to keep his eyes shut, his voice getting weaker and weaker as he chants the mantras in Han.
I wipe my tears away. He must think that I’m an illusion. He’s still sitting on the floor. Even though it’s carpeted and it’s summer right now, nighttime at oases are still very cold. I stand up and step out of the doors, only to find that Lu Zuan is still here and talking to the guards. I call onto them to bring some blanket. Lu Zuan laughs cruelly and says with a scorn: “You must make him break his precepts without using anything!”
My face darkens at that. Still, I insist on getting on a cup of water. Lu Zuan orders someone to do so, then turns around to me with cold eyes:
“You should make haste so I can return and report to my father soon. Also, you must make sure to do ‘the deed’ on the bed!”
He jerks his chin towards the window. I follow his sight to the hole the shape of a rhombus on the wall, where you can clearly see the bed in the room. How perverted! Must he really witness the act before he can be satisfied? The lot of them treats this like some sort of joke, a mere game of bet to be won! It makes me sick with disgust.
The hatred rising in me makes me almost toss the cup of water onto his face. I have to take several deep breaths to calm myself down before returning to the room. Lu Zuan yells out from behind, full of laughter: “If you are unable to make him break, come and serve me after!”
No amount of words can describe my anger at this moment. I very much wish I could tell him in excruciating detail about how he will meet his end later on [as per history].
“Rajiva, drink a bit of water.”
I gently call on him and place the rim of the cup to his lips. Perhaps he is too thirsty, for he doesn’t decline and gulp the entire thing down. I pull out my handkerchief and wipe the drops of water on his mouth.
He looks at my handkerchief intently. I smile: “Do you still remember this handkerchief? It was you who gave this to me. You have said that you never see me use one, and how unbecoming it is to always wipe my mouth with my hands. I’ve always kept it with me, never once using, because I can’t bring myself to-”
All of a sudden, I feel myself pulled into his burning chest. His heart beats furiously by my ear. His face is rubbing against my neck, veins pulled tight and trembling as if they’re plucking the strings to my heart. One of his hands is combing through my hair as he exhales my name on a breath.
I fall into his embrace, that which was once familiar now feels somewhat strange to me. His bare skin is touching me, his whole body trembling in waves, I feel like I’m being set on fire from how hot his skin is.
He gently lets go of me for a second to put a tiny bit of distance between us. His eyes scan my face hungrily. Before I can even say a word, he falls forward again and crashes his lips onto mine.
His kiss is not as gentle as the one from my memories. Instead, he is panting and trying to pry my lips apart with fervor. The taste of alcohol spreads in my mouth as he moves his tongue inside. I can feel the stubble on his chin rubbing against my cheeks. His breath is quickening as he presses me down onto the floor, his whole body covering mine.
“Rajiva…” I grab onto one of his arms and whisper into his ears: “Let’s move to the bed.”
He stops, a moment of lucidity returning, and lets go of me. He bites hard on his already cracked lips. A drop of blood bursts out and paints his dry lips red.
Tears streaming down, he tries to hold himself back with every bit of strength left in him. If there is another way, I would have respected his wishes. But those men outside are crazed and our lives are in their hands. He and I are merely chess pieces in these turbulent times. To survive, we must complete our “coming-of-age ceremony” tonight in front of these eyes.
I wipe my tears and take a moment to compose myself. Settled, I pick up the jacket that has fallen onto the side and drape it back onto him. I then place his arm onto my shoulders and support him to the bed, every step heavy and slow. Gautama Buddha, please understand the pious heart of this disciple of yours, please take pity on him. He has held himself back, has endured much suffering, has done what no ordinary person can. That’s why, I beg you, please punish me instead. I am willing to bear all of his sins.
His body is really heavy, and all of his weight is bearing down on my shoulders. In our clumsy walk, my eyes drift over to his body and feel my pulse quicken. Despite his will, under the influence of the aphrodisiac, his lower body still has the same reaction as a normal man. It’s the human instinct, one that even the Buddha cannot erase. Then at least for tonight, let him be an ordinary man. Just for tonight.
He falls down onto the bed, still biting his lips, but his eyes are watching me closely, and shining in their depths is a burning desire of a man. I take a deep breath and begin to take off my clothes. Han outfits are very simple, so as soon as I finish opening all the buttons, my modern underwear is revealed in front of him. With my face feeling like it’s on fire and sweat pooling on my nose, I pause, unable to continue, knowing that outside of that small window, several pairs of eyes are watching us with ill intent.
Rajiva’s right hand is still clutching the string of beads tightly. I want to take them from him and place at the head of the bed but he just wordlessly clutch them tighter. Even after I try to persuade him in gentle tones, I can only get it to be wrapped around his wrist instead.
He’s lying on his side, a hand’s breath from me. His grey eyes are shining with barely concealed desire. His hand is caressing my body, the touch clumsy as he travels from my chest to my waist. I wind my arms around him and lick the corner of his bitten lips. I can feel a salty taste on the tip of my tongue. He lets out a small whimper before suddenly pulling my tongue all the way in. His thin body moves to cover mine while he breaths out in sharp exhales.
The taste of alcohol in his mouth is somewhat unpleasant. I wonder how much wine they forced onto him. A person who has never touched a drop of wine like him, under the influence of alcohol and aphrodisiac, does he still recognize that it’s me in front of him? I want to believe that there is a tiny bit in him that is still aware enough to realize that it is me, and because of that, he is finally able to end the torture he has endured the past few days and displays his desire so openly.
I smile bitterly and scold myself for such souring thoughts. Is this really the time for me to be harbouring such thoughts? I need to be thinking about how to carry out this ‘act’ in the quickest way possible, for only then will those monsters outside be willing to let us go. Otherwise, those soulless bastards will be coming up with even worse tactics to torture him further. He has endured so much the past three days, exhausted in both body and mind, he needs to rest.
The history books wrote that he broke his precepts, and I am willing to be the person who replaces Princess Asuyamati. Love is always selfish. So what I’m changing history? I only know that I love him and want to be the person he breaks the precepts for. Even if he regrets it after, I will not.
Those thoughts help me gain a bit of courage. I start to caress his back. His skin is smooth to the touch. Slowly, as my hand travels further down, I can feel his muscles shifting beneath. He is all coiled muscles, taut as a bowstring, clearly wanting to advance on me but does not know how to, his face hesitant and embarrassed.
His hand moves to my panties and tries to pull it off but I stop him.
“Don’t rush, let me do it.”
After taking off my panties, my fingers are sticky wet. Unable to look at him, I close my eyes and hope that he will finish this quickly.
But after a while, coldness begins to seep into my bare skin and still there is no movement. I open my eyes and find that his chest is heaving with exertion as he pants, eyes a little wild but still full of hesitation. Such tenacious will, this is not something anybody is able to do. Even at this point, his mind is still wrestling with his bodily instinct. I bite my lips and slowly move my hand south. My cheeks are burning. Ah, so during these moments, ‘that place’ of a man is rather hard and as hot as a burning coal.
He moans, hesitation seemingly gone from his eyes as they burn bright. With his knees slightly bent near my thighs, he lets me slowly guide him into the most private part of my body. I close my eyes and allow his instincts to take over. The moment he enters me, the world seems to spin around me and my body feels like it’s being torn apart. I cry out and want to grab onto something to help me through the pain, coming up empty as there’s nothing on the bed. I can only grind my teeth together and endure the waves of pain.
Hearing my cries, he pauses and tries to lean back to look at me. His chest is glistening with sweat, with more streaming on his face and pooling at the bottom of his chin, before dripping down onto my chest. His bloodshot eyes are still wild but there’s a bit of hesitation in his expression.
“I am fine…”
I reassure him even with a dry throat. Trying my hardest to not let any tears fall, I smile weakly at him, Ai Qing-style, hoping that the familiar smile will remain in his memories as something warm when he wakes up tomorrow.
He doesn’t last very long after. At the moment when he reaches his climax, he cries out in rough syllables:
“A-Ai Qing…”
Even though my tears have dried, hearing that, they begin to pour out again and this time, I don’t try to rein them in as they fall onto the bed. A bittersweet feeling spreads inside me. So he still remembers me all this time…
I look up at the night sky through the clear roof. It feels as though the sky is falling upon us. A million stars and over a thousand years between us, we are here now, together, in this very moment. I have completed my rite of passage from a girl to a woman but more importantly, from this moment on, my soul with forever bond with his, forever not letting go.
He is deep asleep after three days of much suffering. I gently caress the side of his bony face and brush my fingers on his strong brows, over his eyelids, his elegant nose, and his thin lips. This person whom I used to long for every night is here sleeping soundly beside me. I would have not dared to imagine this kind of scene even in my wildest dreams.
I sit up and put on my clothes. My lower body is extremely sore and feels like it’s on fire, and with every move, it is as though a hundred needles are pricking my skin. The blood on the bed has dried, but the blood on my inner thighs is still a bright red. I swallow the pain, climb down the bed and drag myself over to the doors. Every step brings about a fresh wave of pain that tears me apart. It is no wonder that almost every woman’s description of their ‘first time’ is similar.
After pushing the doors open, I coldly say to the group of laughing men [those bastards]: “Now, can you bring me a blanket?”
We get taken to a small hall to the side of the palace. Upon seeing Lu Zuan, the two guards at the entrance immediately stand up and bow in ceremony. Lu Zuan orders them to open the doors. Unable to help myself, I try to take a peek inside. Rajiva is nowhere to be found, however. On the bed is a young woman without a stich of clothing on, arms curled tight to hide her chest. I can barely recognize her as the little girl Asuyamati from back then. Seeing us, she immediately huddles into a corner of the bed, head cast down, her curly red hair falling down to cover her face.
“How’s the situation?” Lu Zuan asks the guards.
The two men sneer as they report: “Following the General’s orders, we have stripped them of their clothes but no avail. So we had forced Kumarajiva to drink wine earlier. We even mixed it with a bit of ‘medicine’. Faced with such a fair-skinned, delicate-looking princess like that, if it was anyone else, they’d have rushed forward immediately, let alone someone who has consumed wine laced with ‘medicine’. We thought the monk was impotent, but it does not seem to be the case. He merely forced himself to vomit everything we gave him to drink. Such indomitable will! But this kind of spirit really does make one admire him. Perhaps he really is a great master-”
Lu Zuan glares at them. The guards immediately shut up. He then turns to me and orders coldly:
“If he still does not break his vows tonight and my father loses his wager, you know well what the consequences would be, yes?”
Seeing how much they have tortured Rajiva has made my blood boil. The history books wrote that Rajiva broke his precepts because he was forced out of his clothes and made to drink wine, but they did not write about the fact that his wine was laced with aphrodisiac. Now, having heard such barbaric words pass Lu Zuan’s mouth, my head jerks up, all the anger in me ready to burst.
But before I could do so, Pusysdeva has quickly moved to stand in front of me.
“Young General, there is no cause to worry for she will certainly give her all tonight. Those concubines and servants will definitely become your father’s.”
Pusysdeva glances around, then moves to where a long table is and takes off the table cloth. After that, he steps inside the room, wraps the cloth around the Princess and helps her stand up. When he’s making his exit, he pauses for a second, face turning to a corner and lets his expression fall for a brief moment as a soft sigh escapes him. Princess Asuyamati’s face up close is deathly pale and clearly frightened. When he passes by me, he says loudly in Han:
“Enter quickly and do not disappoint General Lu!
He then switches to Tocharian and says in a whisper: “He has waited for you the past ten years. Make him happy.”
His face is eerily calm but there’s a certain sadness at the corner of his eyes. I look at Pusysdeva, summon all the courage I can before nodding and heading inside. The doors drift shut.
I turn my eyes towards the corner where Pusysdeva was staring at earlier and finally see a thin figure huddling there. My breathing comes to a stop. I don’t dare to look at him. Rajiva, it has only been nine months for me but for you, it’s already been ten years. Those nine months full of longing have made me a dry husk of myself. But you, you have been spending these long nights all alone with only the Buddha as your company the past ten years! How did you bear such loneliness? If it was the other way around, I don’t think I’d have been able to last this long. Forgive me for making you wait this whole time. Forgive me for choosing to come to you at this particular juncture in your life. I hope that this is the time where you need the most. If possible, I will not leave you again this time. Let me compensate you for the last ten years.
I hold my breath and quietly approach his side. I have yet to see him and the signs of age on his face, but my heart is already beating fast and squeezing tight.
Not a single piece of cloth is covering Rajiva. He’s sitting with his knees drawn tight to his chest, head cast down, like that of a fetus still inside a mother’s womb. His honeycomb skin is glowing under the light overhead. I look around and see that there’s no curtains on the windows, no table cloth, no blanket on the bed, absolute nothing that can be used to cover him. I smile bitterly. Lu Guang is certainly as cruel as the books say!
I pull out a jacket from my backpack and step closer to him. The pungent smell of alcohol is radiating from him in waves, and on the ground next to him is a mess from vomit. I kneel down and drape the jacket over him. My fingers brush his skin and find it burning. The little touch startles him, making him look up. Those grey eyes of his that used to be like two fathomless pools of water are now bloodshot. He has become much thinner, his face narrower, and there’s a bit of stubble dusting his chin. His face is bright red like he is about to combust. Ten years have passed, but he is still as handsome as ever. However, the years have unfortunately left behind a few shallow lines of wrinkles on his forehead. These past few days of torturous conditions have left him haggard, his lips pale and chapped. There’s a bit of dry blood at the corner of his mouth, which must have been because he was biting on his lips too hard, for there’s also an imprint of teeth on them.
“Rajiva…”
The more I look at him, the more my heart clenches in pain. Having to suffer such indignity and cruelty, would a normal person be able to hang on for as long as he has? It’s not about trying to hold onto his vows, this is him trying all his might to protect his life-long beliefs. How could Lu Guang make him suffer so for some stupid bet?
Those exhausted eyes of his look at me for a long second before widening. A ray of light seems to shine through the gray pupils, full of disbelief as he stares at my face. His cracked lips open slowly and a thin voice comes out, trembling like a dry leaf in the wind.
“It’s me, I am back,” I tell him.
“A-Ai…Qing…” Each spoken syllable comes out as stuttered breath, barely discernable, after he takes his time gazing at my face for a long while. But all of a sudden, his face crumbles in embarrassment. His shoulders draw back and his whole body trembles as he turns away. His voice comes out again full of pain:
“Don’t…Don’t look at me.”
“Rajiva…”
My heart breaks at his words. That a grand master such as him has to suffer like this, how could one’s heart not ache!
“Don’t cry…”
He turns around, one hand reaching forward as if to gently cusp my face but when his fingers are almost touching me, he immediately withdraws them. He shuts his eyes, right hand clutching the string of prayer beads, the beads so old now that you can barely see any colour on them. He fingers the beads as he chants mantras, as if I am merely air. They’re the ones I gave to him over twenty years ago. On his left wrist is a string of clear agate beads, and even this one is already over ten years old.
“Rajiva, what’s wrong?”
Seeing that the only things left on his body are the strings of beads from years ago, I bite my lips to stop of the tears from flowing.
“Desire begets illusions, that which do not base itself in reality. An illusion is merely a blindfold. All things are empty and non-existent.” He continues to keep his eyes shut, his voice getting weaker and weaker as he chants the mantras in Han.
I wipe my tears away. He must think that I’m an illusion. He’s still sitting on the floor. Even though it’s carpeted and it’s summer right now, nighttime at oases are still very cold. I stand up and step out of the doors, only to find that Lu Zuan is still here and talking to the guards. I call onto them to bring some blanket. Lu Zuan laughs cruelly and says with a scorn: “You must make him break his precepts without using anything!”
My face darkens at that. Still, I insist on getting on a cup of water. Lu Zuan orders someone to do so, then turns around to me with cold eyes:
“You should make haste so I can return and report to my father soon. Also, you must make sure to do ‘the deed’ on the bed!”
He jerks his chin towards the window. I follow his sight to the hole the shape of a rhombus on the wall, where you can clearly see the bed in the room. How perverted! Must he really witness the act before he can be satisfied? The lot of them treats this like some sort of joke, a mere game of bet to be won! It makes me sick with disgust.
The hatred rising in me makes me almost toss the cup of water onto his face. I have to take several deep breaths to calm myself down before returning to the room. Lu Zuan yells out from behind, full of laughter: “If you are unable to make him break, come and serve me after!”
No amount of words can describe my anger at this moment. I very much wish I could tell him in excruciating detail about how he will meet his end later on [as per history].
“Rajiva, drink a bit of water.”
I gently call on him and place the rim of the cup to his lips. Perhaps he is too thirsty, for he doesn’t decline and gulp the entire thing down. I pull out my handkerchief and wipe the drops of water on his mouth.
He looks at my handkerchief intently. I smile: “Do you still remember this handkerchief? It was you who gave this to me. You have said that you never see me use one, and how unbecoming it is to always wipe my mouth with my hands. I’ve always kept it with me, never once using, because I can’t bring myself to-”
All of a sudden, I feel myself pulled into his burning chest. His heart beats furiously by my ear. His face is rubbing against my neck, veins pulled tight and trembling as if they’re plucking the strings to my heart. One of his hands is combing through my hair as he exhales my name on a breath.
I fall into his embrace, that which was once familiar now feels somewhat strange to me. His bare skin is touching me, his whole body trembling in waves, I feel like I’m being set on fire from how hot his skin is.
He gently lets go of me for a second to put a tiny bit of distance between us. His eyes scan my face hungrily. Before I can even say a word, he falls forward again and crashes his lips onto mine.
His kiss is not as gentle as the one from my memories. Instead, he is panting and trying to pry my lips apart with fervor. The taste of alcohol spreads in my mouth as he moves his tongue inside. I can feel the stubble on his chin rubbing against my cheeks. His breath is quickening as he presses me down onto the floor, his whole body covering mine.
“Rajiva…” I grab onto one of his arms and whisper into his ears: “Let’s move to the bed.”
He stops, a moment of lucidity returning, and lets go of me. He bites hard on his already cracked lips. A drop of blood bursts out and paints his dry lips red.
Tears streaming down, he tries to hold himself back with every bit of strength left in him. If there is another way, I would have respected his wishes. But those men outside are crazed and our lives are in their hands. He and I are merely chess pieces in these turbulent times. To survive, we must complete our “coming-of-age ceremony” tonight in front of these eyes.
I wipe my tears and take a moment to compose myself. Settled, I pick up the jacket that has fallen onto the side and drape it back onto him. I then place his arm onto my shoulders and support him to the bed, every step heavy and slow. Gautama Buddha, please understand the pious heart of this disciple of yours, please take pity on him. He has held himself back, has endured much suffering, has done what no ordinary person can. That’s why, I beg you, please punish me instead. I am willing to bear all of his sins.
His body is really heavy, and all of his weight is bearing down on my shoulders. In our clumsy walk, my eyes drift over to his body and feel my pulse quicken. Despite his will, under the influence of the aphrodisiac, his lower body still has the same reaction as a normal man. It’s the human instinct, one that even the Buddha cannot erase. Then at least for tonight, let him be an ordinary man. Just for tonight.
He falls down onto the bed, still biting his lips, but his eyes are watching me closely, and shining in their depths is a burning desire of a man. I take a deep breath and begin to take off my clothes. Han outfits are very simple, so as soon as I finish opening all the buttons, my modern underwear is revealed in front of him. With my face feeling like it’s on fire and sweat pooling on my nose, I pause, unable to continue, knowing that outside of that small window, several pairs of eyes are watching us with ill intent.
Rajiva’s right hand is still clutching the string of beads tightly. I want to take them from him and place at the head of the bed but he just wordlessly clutch them tighter. Even after I try to persuade him in gentle tones, I can only get it to be wrapped around his wrist instead.
He’s lying on his side, a hand’s breath from me. His grey eyes are shining with barely concealed desire. His hand is caressing my body, the touch clumsy as he travels from my chest to my waist. I wind my arms around him and lick the corner of his bitten lips. I can feel a salty taste on the tip of my tongue. He lets out a small whimper before suddenly pulling my tongue all the way in. His thin body moves to cover mine while he breaths out in sharp exhales.
The taste of alcohol in his mouth is somewhat unpleasant. I wonder how much wine they forced onto him. A person who has never touched a drop of wine like him, under the influence of alcohol and aphrodisiac, does he still recognize that it’s me in front of him? I want to believe that there is a tiny bit in him that is still aware enough to realize that it is me, and because of that, he is finally able to end the torture he has endured the past few days and displays his desire so openly.
I smile bitterly and scold myself for such souring thoughts. Is this really the time for me to be harbouring such thoughts? I need to be thinking about how to carry out this ‘act’ in the quickest way possible, for only then will those monsters outside be willing to let us go. Otherwise, those soulless bastards will be coming up with even worse tactics to torture him further. He has endured so much the past three days, exhausted in both body and mind, he needs to rest.
The history books wrote that he broke his precepts, and I am willing to be the person who replaces Princess Asuyamati. Love is always selfish. So what I’m changing history? I only know that I love him and want to be the person he breaks the precepts for. Even if he regrets it after, I will not.
Those thoughts help me gain a bit of courage. I start to caress his back. His skin is smooth to the touch. Slowly, as my hand travels further down, I can feel his muscles shifting beneath. He is all coiled muscles, taut as a bowstring, clearly wanting to advance on me but does not know how to, his face hesitant and embarrassed.
His hand moves to my panties and tries to pull it off but I stop him.
“Don’t rush, let me do it.”
After taking off my panties, my fingers are sticky wet. Unable to look at him, I close my eyes and hope that he will finish this quickly.
But after a while, coldness begins to seep into my bare skin and still there is no movement. I open my eyes and find that his chest is heaving with exertion as he pants, eyes a little wild but still full of hesitation. Such tenacious will, this is not something anybody is able to do. Even at this point, his mind is still wrestling with his bodily instinct. I bite my lips and slowly move my hand south. My cheeks are burning. Ah, so during these moments, ‘that place’ of a man is rather hard and as hot as a burning coal.
He moans, hesitation seemingly gone from his eyes as they burn bright. With his knees slightly bent near my thighs, he lets me slowly guide him into the most private part of my body. I close my eyes and allow his instincts to take over. The moment he enters me, the world seems to spin around me and my body feels like it’s being torn apart. I cry out and want to grab onto something to help me through the pain, coming up empty as there’s nothing on the bed. I can only grind my teeth together and endure the waves of pain.
Hearing my cries, he pauses and tries to lean back to look at me. His chest is glistening with sweat, with more streaming on his face and pooling at the bottom of his chin, before dripping down onto my chest. His bloodshot eyes are still wild but there’s a bit of hesitation in his expression.
“I am fine…”
I reassure him even with a dry throat. Trying my hardest to not let any tears fall, I smile weakly at him, Ai Qing-style, hoping that the familiar smile will remain in his memories as something warm when he wakes up tomorrow.
He doesn’t last very long after. At the moment when he reaches his climax, he cries out in rough syllables:
“A-Ai Qing…”
Even though my tears have dried, hearing that, they begin to pour out again and this time, I don’t try to rein them in as they fall onto the bed. A bittersweet feeling spreads inside me. So he still remembers me all this time…
I look up at the night sky through the clear roof. It feels as though the sky is falling upon us. A million stars and over a thousand years between us, we are here now, together, in this very moment. I have completed my rite of passage from a girl to a woman but more importantly, from this moment on, my soul with forever bond with his, forever not letting go.
He is deep asleep after three days of much suffering. I gently caress the side of his bony face and brush my fingers on his strong brows, over his eyelids, his elegant nose, and his thin lips. This person whom I used to long for every night is here sleeping soundly beside me. I would have not dared to imagine this kind of scene even in my wildest dreams.
I sit up and put on my clothes. My lower body is extremely sore and feels like it’s on fire, and with every move, it is as though a hundred needles are pricking my skin. The blood on the bed has dried, but the blood on my inner thighs is still a bright red. I swallow the pain, climb down the bed and drag myself over to the doors. Every step brings about a fresh wave of pain that tears me apart. It is no wonder that almost every woman’s description of their ‘first time’ is similar.
After pushing the doors open, I coldly say to the group of laughing men [those bastards]: “Now, can you bring me a blanket?”
