The State Preceptor’s carriage stopped at the main square in front of the palace, where we wait for the Kuchan king and Lu Guang’s entourage. It is early September, and the morning air is brisk in this oasis kingdom. Bai Zhen and his group of concubines come out first but by the time they are all settled, Lu Guang is still missing. Only when the sun is already three poles high does he finally emerge, walking at a leisurely pace and accompanied by a flock of beautiful Kuchan women together with an army, making a grand ceremony of things, a showy display of appearances compared to Bai Zhen.
I peek out from the carriage, searching for a figure near Lu Guang. It is not hard to find him [Rajiva], not because of his otherworldly aura and tall figure amongst the Han, but because of his attire. He is wearing loosely-fitted brown monk robes with his right shoulder exposed, looking completely out of place amongst the gaudy outfits adorned with gold and silver that are worn by Lu Guang and his generals. While we were under house arrest, Lu Guang forced him to wear the clothes of a layperson, yet today allows him to wear monk robes, so he clearly must be planning something.
Lu Guang’s entourage has finished with the preparations. A soldier is dragging a horse to Rajiva. One glance at the horse and you can tell it is a wild one as it keeps kicking and neighing loudly. I cannot hear what they say, only see Rajiva silently taking the rein and intending to ride it.
I close my eyes, unable to watch what happens next. My heart bleeds and I feel nauseous. Things happen as they are meant to, no matter what I do to change them.
The crowd bursts into laughter. Those are ignorant people who regard religion as some sort of witchcraft or superstition. They only know how to humiliate and degrade, and try (in vain) to subjugate religious power. [However,] history has proven Lu Guang to be a clown and Rajiva a master admired by generations. I do not want to see Rajiva humiliated like this and I am sure he does not want to be seen by me either. I clutch the Atlas silk scarf he gave me and say in my head: Rajiva, hang on, please hang on!
There is now some commotion in the crowd. A familiar voice is shouting in anger. I pull aside the curtain [of the carriage] and peek out. Pusysdeva is standing in front of the horse and holding one hand out. He helps Rajiva up, who is full of dust and is clutching his knee with a pained expression.
Lu Guang whispers something to one of his men. The wild horse is led away, and then an oxcart is brought in front of Rajiva. Everyone rides a horse or a horse-drawn carriage. Oxcarts are only used by the poor. But this kind of crude treatment is not Lu Guang’s end goal. This ox must not be an ordinary one. Perhaps this is the “vicious ox”* mentioned in the historical records.
* [T/N: Previously, I have translated these words as “mad cow” because the Chinese word 牛(niú) can mean ox, cow, or bull. Lương Hiền translated it as ‘cow’ in Vietnamese, so I have gone with that, but now that it is mentioned with a cart, it can only be oxcart. And “mad ox” sounds off so I’m changing it to “vicious ox”.]
Pusysdeva’s face sinks [at the sight] and does not want to let Rajiva get on the cart. Lu Guang’s face is getting worse and worse. He turns to say a few words to Bai Zhen and the king immediately comes to drag Pusysdeva away personally.
Seeing Bai Zhen dragging Pusysdeva back to our carriage, I quickly pull up my face veil. The curtains are pulled aside. The king nods at me, looking embarrassed, before telling me in stilted Han: “My lady, please persuade the State Preceptor so that he does not slow us down any further.”
I extend a hand to receive Pusysdeva, then fold my body in greeting to Bai Zhen before saying in a lowered voice: “This wife understands and offers my deepest gratitude to the king.”
I wait until Bai Zhen is fully gone before whispering to Pusysdeva: “Get in the carriage. Don’t make Lu Guang any angrier.”
Pusysdeva frowns in anger, “Ai Qing, how can you bear it? Do you not love him?”
“Pusysdeva, because I love Rajiva, I must bear it. Lu Guang will find a way to humiliate Rajiva, and it will do no help for you to jump in every time. It will only worsen the situation.” I look at Pusysdeva sadly and sigh, “In this world where the weak is prey to the strong*, there is nothing we can do except bearing it.”
* 弱肉强食, a four-character Chinese idiom
Pusysdeva sits opposite of me, still resentful, and mutters to the driver outside: “Go!”
The carriage begins to move. Laughter can still be heard in the front. Pusysdeva’s face darkens as he pulls the curtain aside to take a look.
I pull the curtains closed and shake my head at him, “Stop looking,” then speak to him in a calm voice, “Rajiva may be able to tolerate these public humiliations, but he still has his pride and would not want to be seen so by his loved ones. By not looking at him, we are showing him respect.”
“Ai Qing,” Pusysdeva stares at me with a pained look, his eyes rimming red, “Can you really be so calm? If so, why is your face so white and bloodless, and your eyes red and swollen?”
I freeze. Is it that bad? I have not slept the past couple days, so I know my face must look terrible. But this appearance is conveniently fitting for our lie about Pusysdeva’s wife being ill.
“Did I not use a messenger to ask you to persuade him? Is it that he did not listen, or that you did not tell him?”
When I think about the moment we parted, my heart squeezes. I take a deep breath to calm myself and say, “Do you know what Lu Guang intends to force him into doing?”
“Not at first, but now I can make some guesses.”
“Then in your opinion, will Rajiva agree to serve Lu Guang and use empty words to praise his character?”
“Even if he does not want to, he needs to find some ways to stall or to acquiesce temporarily. In short, he has to plan for the long-term. Why did he have to be so adamant with his refusals and now have to endure such humiliation?”
“Pusysdeva, Rajiva has his own principles, and these principles will never be defeated by Lu Guang. Physical torment is still easier to bear than the torture of the mind by surrendering. He has made his decision, so no matter what happens, I will follow him, support him, even if-” I pause to stabilize my trembling hands before continuing, “Should he not need my any longer, I will leave.”
He will be leaving with Lu Guang to Liangzhou* in the future. Such a long period of time and yet his biographies only have a few lines about some prophecies, merely rumours of low credibility. From this, it can be inferred that he did not acquiesce to Lu Guang. If he did not submit during those seventeen long years, then why would he now?
* now a district and the seat of the city of Wuwei, Gansu province
Pusysdeva looks at me for a long while, heartache and sorrow overflowing in his eyes.
“Ai Qing, you are really the only one who knows him best. It’s no wonder that he has faithfully waited for you ten years after another ten years. Compared to him, the love I had for you back then is not worth mentioning. It was inevitable—me not winning your heart.”
I grin, remembering him in his wild youth with some emotion: “So you have finally learned to let go of the stubbornness of youth.”
Pusysdeva’s eyes seem to travel to some faraway place. After a period of silence, he suddenly says: “That he has fallen to this point is partly my fault.”
I look at him in surprise.
“Remember how, before you left, you told me that Kucha was going to experience a great change in the future? And that if I continue to be a soldier, it would be hard to preserve my life. You even told me to build a relationship with my youngest uncle, saying that it would be good to have his patronage later.”
I nod, feeling a sense of dread: “What did you do?”
“I deliberately angered uncle-king, though that’d be former king now, and got kicked out of the royal guards. There was already animosity between us from before, so he has always looked at me with disdain. After my parents passed away, he had no reason left to worry. After leaving the royal guards, I took up the trades and started selling silk, earning lots of money. But the former king refused to give me control of the copper mines and instead gave it to the fourth prince, who does not know anything. When the prince suffered losses, he blamed it on me, saying that I prevented the Shanshan* merchants from buying Kuchan copper. Angered, the former king confiscated several of my silk shops. My life became miserable then.”
* a kingdom located at the north-eastern end of the Taklamakan Desert (Kucha is located at the north of the desert). It was previously known as Kröran or Kroraina in Tocharian, and in Chinese as Loulan, but got renamed to Shanshan when the Chinese took control of it in 77 BCE
Recalling memories of the past, anger now seeps into his voice:
“Such a foolish and ostentatious king, overthrowing him would bring much joy to people of Kucha. I also wanted revenge, so I goaded the youngest uncle into rebelling. The youngest uncle is a coward and has no ambitions, so I had to plan everything. We had no power and no way to control the army, so when it was time to make tributes to the Han court six years ago, I had accompanied the youngest uncle to Chang’an. That year, we got to meet the Qin emperor, Fu Jian*. I could tell, from our talks, that he harboured the ambition to conquer the Western Regions.”
* he has been mentioned often in this novel, but as a refresher: Qin here refers to Former Qin (351-394), a state during the Sixteen Kingdoms period. Fu Jian (337–385) here is the third ruler of Former Qin, not be confused with the founding emperor (also named Fu Jian).
“So after we returned, I made contact with the kingdoms of Shanshan, Cheshi, Khotan, and others—all of these small kingdoms have always been dissatisfied with uncle-king’s [Bai Chun] domination of the Western Regions, so they gathered their forces together. Three years ago, the kings of those three kingdoms all went to Chang’an to make tributes. Under my guidance, they had persuaded Fu Jian to do a Western expedition and also volunteered to be the ‘guides’ for said expedition.”
I look at him dumbfounded. I did not expect that the events of history that I thought I was familiar with were all orchestrated by him.
“I have always admired Fu Jian as a person, and I wanted to borrow his power to remove the former king [of Kucha, Bai Chun]. Fu Jian promised autonomy for Kucha as long as we pay tributes properly each year. I knew elder brother has always set his mind for the land of the Han, hoping to find you there. I was also worried that his close relationship with the former king would spell trouble later, so when I was before Fu Jian, I had praised brother’s brilliance and wisdom, hoping that he would invite brother to Chang’an to teach. Fu Jian has long heard of my brother’s reputation, so he ordered Lu Guang to conquer Kucha and to bring brother back to Chang’an.”
I am speechless. How could that be-
“Ai Qing, I did not expect Fu Jian to be defeated by the Jin during this time*. His state of Qin was the most powerful in the Central Plains! I also did not think that Lu Guang would take advantage of this opportunity to claim control over the Western Regions. Or that he would imprison brother in the process. All the humiliations brother had to suffer are because of me.”
* referring to the Battle of the Fei River, also see Ch. 44 for a more detailed account.
Pusysdeva is shame-faced as he balls his hands into fists, “If I could, I would rather take the humiliation on his behalf. Every time I see him fall from the horse, I feel incredibly pained.”
Loud laughter can be heard outside the carriage, the sound of which feels like arrows are stabbing at me from every direction. I feel like I am about to fall over, and I had to grab Pusysdeva’s arm for support.
“No, it was not your fault. The fault is mine. Back then, it was me who disclosed the future to you. It was me who has caused him all this pain…”
Why is this happening? Who am I? Am I an agent in this period of history? Why are there no records about me? What role do I play in this ferocious current of history? Is the giant wheel of history turning slowly, or am I pushing it? Or would it still have ended like this without me? Exactly who is it that is continually playing with our fates?
If we are to follow fatalism*, then the fact that I met Rajiva through time-travelling was no accident. And him choosing to not run away with me was the right decision. Because in any case, history will continue on in the established direction, and Rajiva will definitely become a famous monk in history. So then, in conclusion, there is nothing I can change.
* Fatalism is the philosophy that everything is determined by fate or destiny, and that humans are powerless to do anything (Source: Wiki).
The history books wrote: “Lu Guang came up with ploys to humiliate Kumarajiva and forced the monk to marry a Kuchan princess.”
I had deliberately ignored this passage, even tried to erase it from memory. I told myself, the records about Rajiva are full of unfounded facts, and that this must be another one of those ‘rumours’. Furthermore, I had replaced Princess Asuyamati and became the person who Rajiva broke his precepts with, so I have changed history, and this variation will become something untraceable by the later generations. However, Pusysdeva’s words made my heart uneasy. If the wheel of history still rolled as determined, and the passage above is the truth, then no matter what I do, Asuyamati will still become Rajiva’s wife.
“Ai Qing, what’s wrong?”
A hand holds me up.
I stare at Pusysdeva, my whole body feeling like crumbling. No, I cannot faint. I cannot show any weakness at this time.
‘…marry a Kuchan princess,’ ‘…marry a Kuchan princess,’ I cannot keep thinking about it. I have to keep calm no matter what lies in the future.
“I am fine, only felt momentarily dizzy. Just need to sleep a bit.”
I lean back on the cushioned seat. My consciousness starts to blur. Somebody seems to be calling my name. I cannot bring myself to reply, for I am really tired…
When I wake up, I realize that I laying in Pusysdeva’s arms. Embarrassed, I sit up and see the worry in his face.
“Why did you faint?”
“It wasn’t fainting. I didn’t sleep for several days, so I was merely exhausted.” I do not want to say anything else, but seeing that the carriage has come to a stop, I ask, “Why are we stopping?”
“Lu Guang wants to rest.”
Worry still shines in his face. He lets out a loud exhale, “I am going to see my brother.”
I make a sound to stop him. He turns back and lightly shakes his head, “Relax, I will do anything impulsive anymore.”
“Help me hand this to him.”
Receiving the Atlas silk scarf from me, he looks at it in contemplation for a moment, then glances up and nods at me.
The State Preceptor’s carriage stopped at the main square in front of the palace, where we wait for the Kuchan king and Lu Guang’s entourage. It is early September, and the morning air is brisk in this oasis kingdom. Bai Zhen and his group of concubines come out first but by the time they are all settled, Lu Guang is still missing. Only when the sun is already three poles high does he finally emerge, walking at a leisurely pace and accompanied by a flock of beautiful Kuchan women together with an army, making a grand ceremony of things, a showy display of appearances compared to Bai Zhen.
I peek out from the carriage, searching for a figure near Lu Guang. It is not hard to find him [Rajiva], not because of his otherworldly aura and tall figure amongst the Han, but because of his attire. He is wearing loosely-fitted brown monk robes with his right shoulder exposed, looking completely out of place amongst the gaudy outfits adorned with gold and silver that are worn by Lu Guang and his generals. While we were under house arrest, Lu Guang forced him to wear the clothes of a layperson, yet today allows him to wear monk robes, so he clearly must be planning something.
Lu Guang’s entourage has finished with the preparations. A soldier is dragging a horse to Rajiva. One glance at the horse and you can tell it is a wild one as it keeps kicking and neighing loudly. I cannot hear what they say, only see Rajiva silently taking the rein and intending to ride it.
I close my eyes, unable to watch what happens next. My heart bleeds and I feel nauseous. Things happen as they are meant to, no matter what I do to change them.
The crowd bursts into laughter. Those are ignorant people who regard religion as some sort of witchcraft or superstition. They only know how to humiliate and degrade, and try (in vain) to subjugate religious power. [However,] history has proven Lu Guang to be a clown and Rajiva a master admired by generations. I do not want to see Rajiva humiliated like this and I am sure he does not want to be seen by me either. I clutch the Atlas silk scarf he gave me and say in my head: Rajiva, hang on, please hang on!
There is now some commotion in the crowd. A familiar voice is shouting in anger. I pull aside the curtain [of the carriage] and peek out. Pusysdeva is standing in front of the horse and holding one hand out. He helps Rajiva up, who is full of dust and is clutching his knee with a pained expression.
Lu Guang whispers something to one of his men. The wild horse is led away, and then an oxcart is brought in front of Rajiva. Everyone rides a horse or a horse-drawn carriage. Oxcarts are only used by the poor. But this kind of crude treatment is not Lu Guang’s end goal. This ox must not be an ordinary one. Perhaps this is the “vicious ox”* mentioned in the historical records.
* [T/N: Previously, I have translated these words as “mad cow” because the Chinese word 牛(niú) can mean ox, cow, or bull. Lương Hiền translated it as ‘cow’ in Vietnamese, so I have gone with that, but now that it is mentioned with a cart, it can only be oxcart. And “mad ox” sounds off so I’m changing it to “vicious ox”.]
Pusysdeva’s face sinks [at the sight] and does not want to let Rajiva get on the cart. Lu Guang’s face is getting worse and worse. He turns to say a few words to Bai Zhen and the king immediately comes to drag Pusysdeva away personally.
Seeing Bai Zhen dragging Pusysdeva back to our carriage, I quickly pull up my face veil. The curtains are pulled aside. The king nods at me, looking embarrassed, before telling me in stilted Han: “My lady, please persuade the State Preceptor so that he does not slow us down any further.”
I extend a hand to receive Pusysdeva, then fold my body in greeting to Bai Zhen before saying in a lowered voice: “This wife understands and offers my deepest gratitude to the king.”
I wait until Bai Zhen is fully gone before whispering to Pusysdeva: “Get in the carriage. Don’t make Lu Guang any angrier.”
Pusysdeva frowns in anger, “Ai Qing, how can you bear it? Do you not love him?”
“Pusysdeva, because I love Rajiva, I must bear it. Lu Guang will find a way to humiliate Rajiva, and it will do no help for you to jump in every time. It will only worsen the situation.” I look at Pusysdeva sadly and sigh, “In this world where the weak is prey to the strong*, there is nothing we can do except bearing it.”
* 弱肉强食, a four-character Chinese idiom
Pusysdeva sits opposite of me, still resentful, and mutters to the driver outside: “Go!”
The carriage begins to move. Laughter can still be heard in the front. Pusysdeva’s face darkens as he pulls the curtain aside to take a look.
I pull the curtains closed and shake my head at him, “Stop looking,” then speak to him in a calm voice, “Rajiva may be able to tolerate these public humiliations, but he still has his pride and would not want to be seen so by his loved ones. By not looking at him, we are showing him respect.”
“Ai Qing,” Pusysdeva stares at me with a pained look, his eyes rimming red, “Can you really be so calm? If so, why is your face so white and bloodless, and your eyes red and swollen?”
I freeze. Is it that bad? I have not slept the past couple days, so I know my face must look terrible. But this appearance is conveniently fitting for our lie about Pusysdeva’s wife being ill.
“Did I not use a messenger to ask you to persuade him? Is it that he did not listen, or that you did not tell him?”
When I think about the moment we parted, my heart squeezes. I take a deep breath to calm myself and say, “Do you know what Lu Guang intends to force him into doing?”
“Not at first, but now I can make some guesses.”
“Then in your opinion, will Rajiva agree to serve Lu Guang and use empty words to praise his character?”
“Even if he does not want to, he needs to find some ways to stall or to acquiesce temporarily. In short, he has to plan for the long-term. Why did he have to be so adamant with his refusals and now have to endure such humiliation?”
“Pusysdeva, Rajiva has his own principles, and these principles will never be defeated by Lu Guang. Physical torment is still easier to bear than the torture of the mind by surrendering. He has made his decision, so no matter what happens, I will follow him, support him, even if-” I pause to stabilize my trembling hands before continuing, “Should he not need my any longer, I will leave.”
He will be leaving with Lu Guang to Liangzhou* in the future. Such a long period of time and yet his biographies only have a few lines about some prophecies, merely rumours of low credibility. From this, it can be inferred that he did not acquiesce to Lu Guang. If he did not submit during those seventeen long years, then why would he now?
* now a district and the seat of the city of Wuwei, Gansu province
Pusysdeva looks at me for a long while, heartache and sorrow overflowing in his eyes.
“Ai Qing, you are really the only one who knows him best. It’s no wonder that he has faithfully waited for you ten years after another ten years. Compared to him, the love I had for you back then is not worth mentioning. It was inevitable—me not winning your heart.”
I grin, remembering him in his wild youth with some emotion: “So you have finally learned to let go of the stubbornness of youth.”
Pusysdeva’s eyes seem to travel to some faraway place. After a period of silence, he suddenly says: “That he has fallen to this point is partly my fault.”
I look at him in surprise.
“Remember how, before you left, you told me that Kucha was going to experience a great change in the future? And that if I continue to be a soldier, it would be hard to preserve my life. You even told me to build a relationship with my youngest uncle, saying that it would be good to have his patronage later.”
I nod, feeling a sense of dread: “What did you do?”
“I deliberately angered uncle-king, though that’d be former king now, and got kicked out of the royal guards. There was already animosity between us from before, so he has always looked at me with disdain. After my parents passed away, he had no reason left to worry. After leaving the royal guards, I took up the trades and started selling silk, earning lots of money. But the former king refused to give me control of the copper mines and instead gave it to the fourth prince, who does not know anything. When the prince suffered losses, he blamed it on me, saying that I prevented the Shanshan* merchants from buying Kuchan copper. Angered, the former king confiscated several of my silk shops. My life became miserable then.”
* a kingdom located at the north-eastern end of the Taklamakan Desert (Kucha is located at the north of the desert). It was previously known as Kröran or Kroraina in Tocharian, and in Chinese as Loulan, but got renamed to Shanshan when the Chinese took control of it in 77 BCE
Recalling memories of the past, anger now seeps into his voice:
“Such a foolish and ostentatious king, overthrowing him would bring much joy to people of Kucha. I also wanted revenge, so I goaded the youngest uncle into rebelling. The youngest uncle is a coward and has no ambitions, so I had to plan everything. We had no power and no way to control the army, so when it was time to make tributes to the Han court six years ago, I had accompanied the youngest uncle to Chang’an. That year, we got to meet the Qin emperor, Fu Jian*. I could tell, from our talks, that he harboured the ambition to conquer the Western Regions.”
* he has been mentioned often in this novel, but as a refresher: Qin here refers to Former Qin (351-394), a state during the Sixteen Kingdoms period. Fu Jian (337–385) here is the third ruler of Former Qin, not be confused with the founding emperor (also named Fu Jian).
“So after we returned, I made contact with the kingdoms of Shanshan, Cheshi, Khotan, and others—all of these small kingdoms have always been dissatisfied with uncle-king’s [Bai Chun] domination of the Western Regions, so they gathered their forces together. Three years ago, the kings of those three kingdoms all went to Chang’an to make tributes. Under my guidance, they had persuaded Fu Jian to do a Western expedition and also volunteered to be the ‘guides’ for said expedition.”
I look at him dumbfounded. I did not expect that the events of history that I thought I was familiar with were all orchestrated by him.
“I have always admired Fu Jian as a person, and I wanted to borrow his power to remove the former king [of Kucha, Bai Chun]. Fu Jian promised autonomy for Kucha as long as we pay tributes properly each year. I knew elder brother has always set his mind for the land of the Han, hoping to find you there. I was also worried that his close relationship with the former king would spell trouble later, so when I was before Fu Jian, I had praised brother’s brilliance and wisdom, hoping that he would invite brother to Chang’an to teach. Fu Jian has long heard of my brother’s reputation, so he ordered Lu Guang to conquer Kucha and to bring brother back to Chang’an.”
I am speechless. How could that be-
“Ai Qing, I did not expect Fu Jian to be defeated by the Jin during this time*. His state of Qin was the most powerful in the Central Plains! I also did not think that Lu Guang would take advantage of this opportunity to claim control over the Western Regions. Or that he would imprison brother in the process. All the humiliations brother had to suffer are because of me.”
* referring to the Battle of the Fei River, also see Ch. 44 for a more detailed account.
Pusysdeva is shame-faced as he balls his hands into fists, “If I could, I would rather take the humiliation on his behalf. Every time I see him fall from the horse, I feel incredibly pained.”
Loud laughter can be heard outside the carriage, the sound of which feels like arrows are stabbing at me from every direction. I feel like I am about to fall over, and I had to grab Pusysdeva’s arm for support.
“No, it was not your fault. The fault is mine. Back then, it was me who disclosed the future to you. It was me who has caused him all this pain…”
Why is this happening? Who am I? Am I an agent in this period of history? Why are there no records about me? What role do I play in this ferocious current of history? Is the giant wheel of history turning slowly, or am I pushing it? Or would it still have ended like this without me? Exactly who is it that is continually playing with our fates?
If we are to follow fatalism*, then the fact that I met Rajiva through time-travelling was no accident. And him choosing to not run away with me was the right decision. Because in any case, history will continue on in the established direction, and Rajiva will definitely become a famous monk in history. So then, in conclusion, there is nothing I can change.
* Fatalism is the philosophy that everything is determined by fate or destiny, and that humans are powerless to do anything (Source: Wiki).
The history books wrote: “Lu Guang came up with ploys to humiliate Kumarajiva and forced the monk to marry a Kuchan princess.”
I had deliberately ignored this passage, even tried to erase it from memory. I told myself, the records about Rajiva are full of unfounded facts, and that this must be another one of those ‘rumours’. Furthermore, I had replaced Princess Asuyamati and became the person who Rajiva broke his precepts with, so I have changed history, and this variation will become something untraceable by the later generations. However, Pusysdeva’s words made my heart uneasy. If the wheel of history still rolled as determined, and the passage above is the truth, then no matter what I do, Asuyamati will still become Rajiva’s wife.
“Ai Qing, what’s wrong?”
A hand holds me up.
I stare at Pusysdeva, my whole body feeling like crumbling. No, I cannot faint. I cannot show any weakness at this time.
‘…marry a Kuchan princess,’ ‘…marry a Kuchan princess,’ I cannot keep thinking about it. I have to keep calm no matter what lies in the future.
“I am fine, only felt momentarily dizzy. Just need to sleep a bit.”
I lean back on the cushioned seat. My consciousness starts to blur. Somebody seems to be calling my name. I cannot bring myself to reply, for I am really tired…
When I wake up, I realize that I laying in Pusysdeva’s arms. Embarrassed, I sit up and see the worry in his face.
“Why did you faint?”
“It wasn’t fainting. I didn’t sleep for several days, so I was merely exhausted.” I do not want to say anything else, but seeing that the carriage has come to a stop, I ask, “Why are we stopping?”
“Lu Guang wants to rest.”
Worry still shines in his face. He lets out a loud exhale, “I am going to see my brother.”
I make a sound to stop him. He turns back and lightly shakes his head, “Relax, I will do anything impulsive anymore.”
“Help me hand this to him.”
Receiving the Atlas silk scarf from me, he looks at it in contemplation for a moment, then glances up and nods at me.
