Published at 13th of June 2019 08:50:56 PM
Chapter 5

First Love × First Love 5




“Snap out of it already”
“Ha? What are you talking about”

Two years have passed since then . I finished the graduate school and became an assistant professor at the university, I spend every day immersing myself in my research .
The man in front of me is my colleague . My only friend who I’m obliged to from the student days .
Of course, he knows about her .

University lectures finished, it’s now a Friday night .
This friend took me to a nearby bar .
We were led to a small private room .

“It’s been what, two years already? It’s been dragging on for too long”

While saying that, my friend ordered a beer . I ordered the same and wiped my hands with a given towel .
Having confirmed the employee left, I answered in a whisper .

“So, what is it about . If It’s about Sakura, then that’s over . I don’t care about her”
“Liar . Even though you haven’t gone out with anyone since then . Besides, I haven’t said anything about Yuuki”
“… That’s”

I spat that out, but I understand he’s worried about me .
With a sigh I spoke .

“You know that I dislike people, don’t you… I don’t want to let an unknown person inside my personal space”
“And yet, didn’t you almost live together with Yuuki”
“She was a woman who unusually calmed me when I was with her . She was a wonderful friend”

When I conveyed my true feelings, my friend opened his eyes wide in surprise .
It felt unpleasant how those eyes asked eloquently what stupid thing I am saying .

“Ha? A friend? Weren’t you going out?”
“Yeah, we were more or less lovers . I didn’t feel love for her, rather than a relationship between a man and woman, I think it was closer to a relationship between close friends”
“… What are you saying? You had a sexual relationship too, right?”

I nodded to my friend’s knowing words .
Strangely, after breaking up with Sakura, my high libido completely disappeared .
I wonder if the man in front of me would be surprised to learn that I haven’t embraced any woman since then .
No, he probably knows . I had such a hunch .

“We were going out as lovers, so I don’t think there’s anything strange about that . Besides, Sakura agreed . There was no problem”
“Ain’t that friends with benefits… Of course, since Yuuki loved you she wouldn’t refuse… Still, did you seriously not have any romantic feelings… Really?”

Since I was born, I have never liked the opposite sex in that sense .
It was pleasant to be with Sakura, but I don’t think it was love .

“You… I knew you were dull, but you’re the worst”


I was bewildered by him glaring at me .
I have no idea why my friend looked at me like that .

“Ah, I see . If that’s the case, you had never told Yuuki that you love her, right? Of course Yuuki would get sick of it . The partner she was dating hadn’t said as much as I love you, so she had enough of it and broke up”
“What are you talking about…”

While getting irritated, my friend pointed at my chest .
For some reason an unpleasant premonition shook my chest .

“It’s already past the statute of limitations, so I’ll tell you . At that time, you loved Yuuki . You were fine with her entering your personal space . The reason you embraced Yuuki every night was because you loved Yuuki . In the first place, could you embrace a woman you don’t love day after day so much . You did it so much, yet when you parted from Yuuki that sort of thing became irrelevant to you . If Yuuki isn’t your partner, you don’t feel like doing it”

As he kept on talking, my thoughts stopped for a moment .
Not wanting to understand what he’s saying, my head was rejecting it .

“Do you still not get it . You had been a huge bookworm, yet when did you suddenly stop reading books? When Yuuki dumped you, right? Perhaps you haven’t noticed even that?”

As he glared at me as if to ask if I’m an idiot, I couldn’t say anything back .
Certainly, after parting with Sakura I stopped reading books .
Whenever I try reading a book, for some reason Sakura’s face at the time she broke up with me always comes to my mind, because of that I don’t feel like reading at all .
… I’ve never wondered why is that .

After all it’s natural .
I thought I couldn’t fall in love with a person .
… I believed it’s an emotion unrelated to me .

“… I loved… Sakura?”

I muttered in a daze .
I felt like everything fell into place when I said the word love .
I opened my eyes wide as the strange feeling that I had been missing filled me .
While frowning, My friend nodded his head .

“You did, fool . No matter how you looked at it you loved Yuuki . Weren’t the only ones who didn’t understand that you, and Yuuki right beside you . She was too close to understand . It’s because she didn’t understand your feelings that it all fell apart”
“No way… Sakura”

I buried my face in my hands .
Having the fact that I hadn’t expected thrust at me, my body trembled .
Still, I didn’t think of denying it .
My heart recognized that what he’s saying is right .

Since we had first met, I had been somewhat curious about Sakura .
Why did I think of going out with Sakura when she confessed .
I hadn’t even thought about the reason .

Unexpectedly, it was because I loved her .

At that time, did I feel happy because my love was fulfilled .
I can only call myself stupid for not even understanding that .

I earnestly wanted Sakura day by day without getting tired of it .

Why did I find her cute when she said she loves me while being embraced .
Why did my lower half grow hot each time she said that .

Two years ago, I was happy to have Sakura and books .
I was extremely satisfied to lead a life of embracing Sakura and reading books .
Why did I think so .
I didn’t let it trouble me .
Because Sakura was always on my side .
Even if said nothing, I presumed on her snuggling up to me in silence .
Without noticing my love, I kept hurting Sakura by thinking of her as a friend .

I embraced her countless times, and yet I had never hugged her naked .
Even though I actually wanted to, I pretended to not notice .

Even if I regret, Sakura won’t come back .

“Even now you’re being controlled by your first love . It’s been two years already . Enough, face each other and settle it”
“… I’d never told Sakura I loved her…”

Now that I recall it, after we’d been dating for half a year, she began to often smile lonesomely .
I understand now that she was anxious over not being able to see my feelings .
I want to beat myself over how stupid I was .

And it’s only natural that she abandoned me when that continued for a year .
Rather, I should thank her for enduring and dating me .

“I thought so . After all you haven’t noticed until now . Look, Yuuki is already a grown woman . She turned the time with you into memories, and surely came across a fine boyfriend . That’s why you cut it out too, and get away from Yuuki”
“Boyfriend… you say”

My chest hurts .
Even if I understand that I reap what I sow, it’s painful .
I became controlled by the feelings I had only noticed now .
If I were with her now, this time I could say that I love her .

Thinking so, I noticed a new fact .
Ah, is that so .
It’s unseemly, but I guess even after two years have passed, I still love her .
Even though I hurt her so much .

“Of course . You may have not noticed, but Yuuki was quite popular . Nobody made a move on her because you monopolized her . It wouldn’t be strange if she easily found a new man”

I know she’s lovely without being told that .
Her figure as she cried while being penetrated by me, her figure as she held my thing in her mouth and swallowed, I remember all of them .
Did she show them to another man, to another man who isn’t me .
My body began burning up .

“It’s unsightly to be jealous this late”
“… I understand that”

Still, I’m controlled by the emotion I feel for the first time .

What do I intend by letting my first love that had already long ended control me .
It’s so foolish laughter welled up .

“… Don’t you become Yuuki’s stalker”
“I won’t, how rude . I properly understand it’s my fault . Supposing she found a man, I won’t disturb her”
“Then it’s fine”

While sighing, my friend produced a piece of paper from his breast pocket . It was a small scrap .
On it an address was written .

It’s not too far from here, the distance is 30 minutes by car .

“This is?”

While my gaze moved between the paper and my friend, I asked .
Making a taciturn face, my friend handed it to me .

“It’s Yuuki’s current address . Supposing you want to contact her, take it”

Taken aback, I stared at my friend .
As my friend laughed troubledly, I abruptly averted my eyes .

“… I can’t stand to see my close friend depressed forever . Go at once, either get rejected again or get together… Don’t mess up this time”
“… Is that fine?”
“Fine or whatever, I can’t do nothing seeing how you’ve been for the past few years . You don’t read your beloved books, you show zero interest in women . Honestly, I can’t bear to look at it”

That’s why, go, my friend said .

“Thank you… very much”

Tightly grasping the note handed to me, I could only mutter that much . My hand was shaking .
Ever since I was born, I’ve never been so grateful to a person .

“Ah, why don’t you try going tomorrow? It’s already late today . It’s better if you talk to Yuuki slowly . There’d be no time today, so let’s celebrate your broken heart . Drink”
“… Is it a done deal that I will be rejected”

Unintentionally I spoke in a low voice .
My friend happily shrugged his shoulders at my bitter voice .

“Oh, how scary . I said it . She’s popular . At least be prepared to be told that she doesn’t know anybody by the name of Shion-senpai . In the worst case, it’s possible she’s living with her boyfriend, you know?”
“… I understand that plenty enough”

I don’t want such a future .
Even so, in case it happens, I understand I’ll have to accept it .

“Alrighty, then drink!!”

At the right timing the employee came with our beers .
Having received them, we clinked our beer mugs, and with a sigh I agreed with this man .
Tomorrow . I’ll go meet her tomorrow .

Two years might have passed, but I’ll apologize for my behavior until now .
I don’t think I’ll be forgiven easily . That’s why until she forgives me I’ll apologize any number of times .
And supposing she forgives me, and once again accepts me…

“I’ll never let her make such a face again”

I’ll whisper my love to her so much she’ll be shocked .
It’ll be enough to cover what I hadn’t said during the year and a half we were dating .
And when it’s enough, I want to kiss and hug her so much she’ll grow tired of it .

And if she comes to believe my love – I wonder if this time I will be permitted to be with her forever .

I wonder if she will accept if I put a diamond on the ring finger of her left hand promising to be with her forever .
I wonder if she’ll say yes if I strongly hug her to say that she’s the only one I want .
I don’t want to hear no .

Because if she doesn’t accept me, surely I won’t be able to breathe anymore .
This is how starved I am for her .
My heart appeals that it never wants to let her go again .

My unnoticed feelings of three and a half years finally stirred and turned straight towards her, wishing for an answer .
I couldn’t hold back my surprise that I have harbored such passionate feelings within me .

That’s right . I love Sakura .
In the past too, and now too .
I understand now .

“No, it’s nothing”

I smiled and casted down my eyes .

“… Is it really . I saw your smiling face for the first time in two years”

Ignoring my astonished friend, I drank the beer in my hand .
If I’m smiling… if I can smile, it’s all Sakura’s influence .

Tomorrow .
I don’t know what will happen .

Even so, somehow I feel it will work out somehow if I just meet her .
I understand it’s just my imagination . Even so .

I want to face her with the energy I have now .

That’s why – if possible, Sakura .
Don’t make a lover except me . I beg you, stay free .
This time I promise to only look at you .


―――― I will convey with all my heart that I love you .