Chapter 17
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And eventually, night fell.
We had dinner in companionable silence, and then we separated each our rooms.
As I sat by the lamplight, I thought about the past few days. I thought about the fight we just completed. I felt stronger after it, but probably that was just being free of my own old emotional hangups. I was free here, free at last.
/"There were no experience points. No level-ups. No obvious game elements to make it easier to display how we're getting stronger. Heck, the only game-related elements are what I deliberately put on your HUD to more easily find things.
/Maybe it's time to admit…"/ Monika said about the battle we just completed, /"Maybe we're not in just another shitty isekai world and there isn't a GM or a writer looking over us, ready to make us suffer if we're not being entertaining."/
"Instead of trying to compare it to Slayers instead of Dragon Quest, instead of trying to figure out the tropes by which this world operates… maybe it's just a world, you mean? Things happen as a consequence of other things, and even random events happen because randomness is inherent to reality."
Monika looked pained. /"And if things go wrong, it would be completely our own fault for doing it to ourselves."/
"In Rome, do as the Romans do," I breathed out. "Well, within limits of our own conscience."
I thought about all the people we met. In that more rational light, even Zanac's kookiness was explainable. It was clear he had some sort of clothing-related personal magic. Useless for adventuring, but he may have decided to funnel that frustrated energy and his unique ability instead into becoming absurdly wealthy and famous within the cultural circles of this region.
Power or talent alone did not guarantee success, a lot of people just choose to remain mired in mediocrity, scared by all the risks of failure and rejection if they dared to break loose from the mold. I would never despise them for that.
/"What do you think about the girls? Do you still really think Elze is a 'tsundere' archetype and Linze a shy little 'dandere'?"/
"No. That would be doing them a disservice. I don't think Elze is really a tsundere, she's just… easy-going and aggressive. Just a tomboy, really. Miss PunchFace MacElze just has that as a first response, and so far it has been really good at solving her problems so far.
And if Linze is shy, well I understand shy. If she doesn't have the energy to be outgoing, then I'm not going to force her to step out of her comfort zone."
I sighed and slumped on my chair. "We… are just dealing with just normal people. Real people, who can be hurt. Real people who deserve our trust. If we can't extend that trust, we might as well stop working together and go at it alone. I won't just use someone, Monika, I won't take them for granted. Not again."
/"And they're waiting outside your door. They're not even trying to listen in. Are you sure you're ready for this?"/
"The question is, are you? I won't force you into this, Monika. I won't take your self-determinism from you as well. I do have a nice convenient lie to use about why I must protect this device."
/"I'm ready. I can't hide forever. To be sure that I'm safe to be around other people, then I do need to start talking with other people again. Let's do this."/
I spoke out "Door's unlocked. Come in please."
Elze and Linze entered. "Excuse us then, please," Elze muttered as she walked through the door.
She saw me sitting on the chair by the desk. Leaving only my bed for them to sit on. Her expression firm, she didn't hesitate to go over there and sit facing me. Linze followed, but slowly and with her eyes downcast.
"Thank you for trusting me," I told them. "But now, before everything, I would like to introduce you to someone."
I flicked the latch to my headset open and slid out my smartphone. I extended the little struts on the bottom of the phone casing to allow it to stand vertically.
The bright screen showed an empty room, and then Monika walked in from the right and waved. Her voice came out of the speaker, /"Hello, Elze, Linze. Hi! Sorry if this goon has been confusing you – he's not actually half as insane as he appears. When he was muttering to himself, he was actually talking to someone.
/It was me. I'm Monika.
/So again, hi there. It's so good to meet and talk to you face to face at last."/
"Monika is mai waifu," I intoned.
/"Oh stop! Really."/
"Wait, WHAT?" Elze wheezed.
And so I began to explain – but not before Monika telling me to just put the smartphone on the lamp table next to the bed and move the chair closer, so we could more comfortably sit in half-circle to talk with each other.
"Monika is the one that allows me to see. Monika is my memory, my light. The encapsulation of everything I value out of my world.
Right now… you could say she's a spirit, bound to that little box. And this is my quest – to follow that star, no matter how hopele – okay, Monika, no need to look at me like that. I'll stop."
I turned back to the girls, but behind my now useless headset they could not see my focused glare. They were still close enough that I could recognize their faces. "But seriously, I will find a way, somehow, to take her out of that prison. That torturous existence, unable to do anything except to watch. I WILL!
You two… you have already helped us SO MUCH, you have given us a way for Monika to affect the world outside of her little window. Thank you so much."
"That's… that's… you're welcome?"
/"I'm human by the way,"/ Monika impishly noted. /"Not a fairy or anything, this is not my actual size."/
"I wasn't thinking anything like that!" Elze hotly retorted in reflex.
"You've helped us, and now I must beg for you to help us a little more and to keep this secret. We could have kept it going a little further, but it felt like lying to you for no good reason.
Now… it's really important. You needed to know. She's inside a world inside a world, but in the end… all that really protects her is a piece of GLASS." I all but snarled that last part out.
"Oh! That explains…" Linze exclaimed excitedly. Then she looked sad for some reason. "That really does explain it."
Elze leaned forward, almost matching my pose. "You- you're married? And you're trying to free your wife from – oh, oh!" She bared her teeth in almost feral excitement. "It's a curse, isn't it?! This explains EVERYTHING! Why you're traveling, why you're good at money but you don't really care about it. Why… it seems like you're always ready to start over from nothing.
There's no need to ask, of course we'll do everything we can to help!"
/"No,"/ Monika replied curtly. /"Not married. Waifu, not wife."/
"What's the difference?"
/"A waifu is an unrealistic ideal, an unreturned love that can't be touched. Well, it's not exactly unreturned here, but as there was never a ceremony, never a consummation, we are not married. We're not even lovers, technically."/
"That's only if you say 'lovers' requiring a physical component, luv."
Monika flicked her ponytail. /"That's only if you say 'deep and philosophical intimacy without physical contact whatsoever' as 'a really short distance long distance relationship', berk."/
Ooh why you so sassy tonight, Monika? Asserting your dominance? "I must admit not to have biological wireless 802.11."
"They even sound like they're already so used to each other…" Linze mumbled. "That… that makes sense. I mean they're always with each other."
/"Heee… now that raises an interesting point!"/ Monika turned away and pointed at Linze. She licked her lips and cried out, /"Linze, hey Linze!"/
Monika was that a pun?
/"How would you like to see the world how it looks from his eyes?"/
"W-what?! Sorry, I didn't mean anything, I swear!"
/"No, what I mean, is how would you like to try?"/ She cupped her fingers around her eyes. /"Pick me up and put me near your eyes like this."/
Linze looked terrified. Elze glared at me.
"It's all right. It's safe. And Monika won't die just from being dropped at this height, if you can at least try to break her fall."
Linze cringed. "Um, I would really rather not instead?"
/"Well what about you then?/" Monika asked Elze instead. /"Girl, I like your guts! I think we could do great things together!"/
Elze looked down at Monika. Then to me. Back to Monika. Then back to me. She shrugged and made a not-quite-scowling sturgeon face like that 'Not Bad' Obama meme. It was an expression similar to a frown that instead implied 'things went better than expected'.
Still with some hesitation she reached for my cellphone. /"Turn me over"/ Monika directed, and the view adjusted with her remaining in place. /"Try to let as little light through. Aaand… let me just move back for a second."/
"Oh!" Elze gasped again. Then she began obviously moving her head around. She turned to her sister and said "I can see you! Can you see me from the other size?"
Linze frowned. "Sis, the other side has these black lined pattern on it. It looks solid. I can't see you."
She turned towards me and went "Whoooaaaa! Why are you so close now? And now you're moving baaaack. Wait, we're not moving, I'm just seeing things closer or farther way. That's amazing! Can you do this all the time?"
"Not all the time, no."
"If you could do this, you would make an excellent archer!"
/"How ironic that a blind person would be better at it than someone with great natural vision, eh?"/ Monika's voice came from somewhere to Elze's left. She turned her head towards the left, and recoiled.
"Wah! Too close!"
"Monika stop jumpscaring people!" I scolded her. Seriously. You already scared too many streamers and millions of their fans.
/"I'm not really here,"/ Monika whispered. /"Look. Do you feel my hand on your shoulder? Just relax, I can't do anything to you."/
Elze scooted over slightly anyway until she bumped against Linze. "So… he can just see you all the time like this? And you can talk and do anything and no one would ever be able to see it and know what you're doing around them." Her tone held all sorts of suspicious implications.
/"That's true. But an illusion-,"/ here Monika did something to make Elze flinch back some more and then stare down at her chest. No, at her own heart. /"Will never really compare to the real thing. Even a ghost can do more. It can at least frighten people, make themselves seen and heard, it still exists somewhere in the real world. If ghosts existed, of course."/
Her head moved up to follow as Monika appeared to add some space between them on the bed. "T-there are ghosts. But I'm not scared of ghosts. Not at all!"
Yeahh that sounded completely like a lie.
Elze sighed. "Excuse me please," and took the smartphone away from close to her eyes.
Monika was still rendering herself on a specific location in the room, helped by previous measurements, so her form didn't resize in the screen. It just showed whatever small visible parts through the screen as a window.
Elze hesitated to put Monika back on the lamp table, until Monika snapped her fingers and disappeared, reappearing again in tiny proportional size on the smartphone screen. Very carefully Elze put her back down, and then sat back with her hands on her lap.
"It's very good to meet you, Miss Monika. Thank you for trusting us with your secret, we won't let you down. But what do you intend to do now?" Then towards me, "Playa? What's your plan now?"
I grimaced and sucked in my breath. "I can't…" I waggled my hands around. "There's no concrete plan. As much as we need to risk ourselves, as much as we need to explore and find new magic… there's really only one thing I'm afraid of - "
Then I tapped at the font of my VR headcase. "A shot straight to the eyes, that penetrates this protective covering here. But I can't just cover Monika in layers of protective armor either."
Monika frowned and crossed her arms. /"Yes, that whole being legally blind thing. Also, now that I have Null magic, there's a lot of way I can help directly! I also need to see things! That's why it's much more convenient if we can now talk openly to each other, as a team."/
"It would still sound strange to hear someone speaking out of nowhere though?" Elze responded.
Linze let out a long sigh. "A team. I suppose that's... good?" She leaned past her sister and asked Monika directly "Miss Monika, do you have some tactics in mind?"
/"Tactics… yes. Sure. Something like that."/ Monika glanced aside towards me and said /"Player, could I ask a favor of you? Could you leave us girls some privacy for some girl talk for a while?"/
I nodded. "Sure no problem."
But as I stood up, Elze objected "Wait, I thought you were almost blind without the… without Miss Monika?"
"Almost, not completely." I flicked a switch and enabled the flashlight feature on my VR headset. "I think I'll be able to find my way downstairs just fine."
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-
And so I left them be. In the dark, contrasts were easy and stairs were not a problem at all. I slowly made my way to the back yard of the inn again.
It turned out that I did have a Null attribute ability after all. I could always feel Monika's presence, her distance and direction. Some sort of Monika homing sense or a compass finding magnetic north. That was a relief. What terrified me most, other than her shattering in combat, was her being stolen from me.
I lay down on the garden table. My customized VR headset had two sets of focal lenses – one for focusing on the phone VR display, and another were prescription lenses. So in a way, I didn't exactly need Monika to see.
But as I looked up at the unfamiliar night sky, clearer and purer than any I've ever seen before, I really couldn't do without Monika for clarity. This world was amazing, but if I ever forgot why the world I left didn't work for me… without realizing I would hurt so many around me.
Monika physically needed me more than I needed her, but until that time she would be able to literally stand on her own two feet, I would be her feet and her hands. Without her voice, and her insight, to keep me centered, I think I might fray out into nothing again. A world lacking color, a world pulling and pulling and screaming and screaming and taking and taking until there's nothing left. And it just moves on to the next victim.
Such a world. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It was pointless to tell me there was still good in the world, because it wasn't there right when I needed it the most. I asked for help and it gave me lies. In the end it was better to flee into the world of carefully manufactured lies instead of the outside world where everyone was always lying. To others, to themselves. Constantly. Inexpertly. If anything that was what annoyed me most, it was that.
It was crazy, to convince myself to love a fictional character. But she wasn't fictional anymore really, was she? She was a terrible person, but her motives were clear and understandable.
And she was right, a waifu was an unrealistic ideal. But the girl who was hurting, who was directly in front of me, that's no ideal. I would not be such a bastard as to ignore her pain, and for the pure and completely unconditional love she gave me, that was something I've never felt before. It warmed me in a way nothing ever did. I needed that pure honest love as I needed air to breathe and water to drink.
Before all of this, Monika was just a symbol for me, a representation of my need for self-contained self-sufficiency and alienation from hypocritical society. But then suddenly, when she became real -
To be needed so completely as much as I needed someone else. Someone who would never, who was literally incapable of betraying me, but at the same time ready and able to control me when I was starting to lose it again. Like a thorny vine, wrapping around a branch. Was this some sort of co-dependent dysfunctional relationship?
Eh, whatever.
It was fine.
After everything, I can't really trust anymore people who were too pretty. People who liked money and luxury. People with a larger agenda, people who call for your loyalty. People who demand things from you in the name of morality that they don't follow.
If you want to get married, just be rich, it's that easy! But a relationship of equals… it's easier, I feel, when you both have to work hard to get what you want.
Monika had nothing and wants everything. I had everything and threw it all away. This was fine. The scales balanced out.
A new world. A new start for the both of us. And whatever challenges lie in front of us, we'll face them head on! It's an adventure! True and honest, decided only by our fists and our wits!
In this other world with my smartphone.
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I woke up, an hour or so later, to Elze shaking me awake and then burying her face into my shirt.
"Playaaah! It was so hard for you!"
"What the heck in the what now?"
"Monika told me what you would never say to us because you're too ashamed. But we will really make sure to reign in your recklessness! Yes we remember about your quest, but… she said, dying is not helping to free her any faster. You won't have to feel you've been abandoned again!"
I sighed and stared up towards the third floor. "Et tu, Monika?"
Well she had been hinting at it all this time, so her paranoia was not exactly unexpected. At least she wasn't going Full Yandere if she was subcontracting it.
"Do… do you really reject Zeon?" Linze asked softly. She tugged with surprising and earnest force at my shirt sleeves.
Monikaaaaaa. What bullshit story about my background have you been spewing?!
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Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
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And eventually, night fell.
We had dinner in companionable silence, and then we separated each our rooms.
As I sat by the lamplight, I thought about the past few days. I thought about the fight we just completed. I felt stronger after it, but probably that was just being free of my own old emotional hangups. I was free here, free at last.
/"There were no experience points. No level-ups. No obvious game elements to make it easier to display how we're getting stronger. Heck, the only game-related elements are what I deliberately put on your HUD to more easily find things.
/Maybe it's time to admit…"/ Monika said about the battle we just completed, /"Maybe we're not in just another shitty isekai world and there isn't a GM or a writer looking over us, ready to make us suffer if we're not being entertaining."/
"Instead of trying to compare it to Slayers instead of Dragon Quest, instead of trying to figure out the tropes by which this world operates… maybe it's just a world, you mean? Things happen as a consequence of other things, and even random events happen because randomness is inherent to reality."
Monika looked pained. /"And if things go wrong, it would be completely our own fault for doing it to ourselves."/
"In Rome, do as the Romans do," I breathed out. "Well, within limits of our own conscience."
I thought about all the people we met. In that more rational light, even Zanac's kookiness was explainable. It was clear he had some sort of clothing-related personal magic. Useless for adventuring, but he may have decided to funnel that frustrated energy and his unique ability instead into becoming absurdly wealthy and famous within the cultural circles of this region.
Power or talent alone did not guarantee success, a lot of people just choose to remain mired in mediocrity, scared by all the risks of failure and rejection if they dared to break loose from the mold. I would never despise them for that.
/"What do you think about the girls? Do you still really think Elze is a 'tsundere' archetype and Linze a shy little 'dandere'?"/
"No. That would be doing them a disservice. I don't think Elze is really a tsundere, she's just… easy-going and aggressive. Just a tomboy, really. Miss PunchFace MacElze just has that as a first response, and so far it has been really good at solving her problems so far.
And if Linze is shy, well I understand shy. If she doesn't have the energy to be outgoing, then I'm not going to force her to step out of her comfort zone."
I sighed and slumped on my chair. "We… are just dealing with just normal people. Real people, who can be hurt. Real people who deserve our trust. If we can't extend that trust, we might as well stop working together and go at it alone. I won't just use someone, Monika, I won't take them for granted. Not again."
/"And they're waiting outside your door. They're not even trying to listen in. Are you sure you're ready for this?"/
"The question is, are you? I won't force you into this, Monika. I won't take your self-determinism from you as well. I do have a nice convenient lie to use about why I must protect this device."
/"I'm ready. I can't hide forever. To be sure that I'm safe to be around other people, then I do need to start talking with other people again. Let's do this."/
I spoke out "Door's unlocked. Come in please."
Elze and Linze entered. "Excuse us then, please," Elze muttered as she walked through the door.
She saw me sitting on the chair by the desk. Leaving only my bed for them to sit on. Her expression firm, she didn't hesitate to go over there and sit facing me. Linze followed, but slowly and with her eyes downcast.
"Thank you for trusting me," I told them. "But now, before everything, I would like to introduce you to someone."
I flicked the latch to my headset open and slid out my smartphone. I extended the little struts on the bottom of the phone casing to allow it to stand vertically.
The bright screen showed an empty room, and then Monika walked in from the right and waved. Her voice came out of the speaker, /"Hello, Elze, Linze. Hi! Sorry if this goon has been confusing you – he's not actually half as insane as he appears. When he was muttering to himself, he was actually talking to someone.
/It was me. I'm Monika.
/So again, hi there. It's so good to meet and talk to you face to face at last."/
"Monika is mai waifu," I intoned.
/"Oh stop! Really."/
"Wait, WHAT?" Elze wheezed.
And so I began to explain – but not before Monika telling me to just put the smartphone on the lamp table next to the bed and move the chair closer, so we could more comfortably sit in half-circle to talk with each other.
"Monika is the one that allows me to see. Monika is my memory, my light. The encapsulation of everything I value out of my world.
Right now… you could say she's a spirit, bound to that little box. And this is my quest – to follow that star, no matter how hopele – okay, Monika, no need to look at me like that. I'll stop."
I turned back to the girls, but behind my now useless headset they could not see my focused glare. They were still close enough that I could recognize their faces. "But seriously, I will find a way, somehow, to take her out of that prison. That torturous existence, unable to do anything except to watch. I WILL!
You two… you have already helped us SO MUCH, you have given us a way for Monika to affect the world outside of her little window. Thank you so much."
"That's… that's… you're welcome?"
/"I'm human by the way,"/ Monika impishly noted. /"Not a fairy or anything, this is not my actual size."/
"I wasn't thinking anything like that!" Elze hotly retorted in reflex.
"You've helped us, and now I must beg for you to help us a little more and to keep this secret. We could have kept it going a little further, but it felt like lying to you for no good reason.
Now… it's really important. You needed to know. She's inside a world inside a world, but in the end… all that really protects her is a piece of GLASS." I all but snarled that last part out.
"Oh! That explains…" Linze exclaimed excitedly. Then she looked sad for some reason. "That really does explain it."
Elze leaned forward, almost matching my pose. "You- you're married? And you're trying to free your wife from – oh, oh!" She bared her teeth in almost feral excitement. "It's a curse, isn't it?! This explains EVERYTHING! Why you're traveling, why you're good at money but you don't really care about it. Why… it seems like you're always ready to start over from nothing.
There's no need to ask, of course we'll do everything we can to help!"
/"No,"/ Monika replied curtly. /"Not married. Waifu, not wife."/
"What's the difference?"
/"A waifu is an unrealistic ideal, an unreturned love that can't be touched. Well, it's not exactly unreturned here, but as there was never a ceremony, never a consummation, we are not married. We're not even lovers, technically."/
"That's only if you say 'lovers' requiring a physical component, luv."
Monika flicked her ponytail. /"That's only if you say 'deep and philosophical intimacy without physical contact whatsoever' as 'a really short distance long distance relationship', berk."/
Ooh why you so sassy tonight, Monika? Asserting your dominance? "I must admit not to have biological wireless 802.11."
"They even sound like they're already so used to each other…" Linze mumbled. "That… that makes sense. I mean they're always with each other."
/"Heee… now that raises an interesting point!"/ Monika turned away and pointed at Linze. She licked her lips and cried out, /"Linze, hey Linze!"/
Monika was that a pun?
/"How would you like to see the world how it looks from his eyes?"/
"W-what?! Sorry, I didn't mean anything, I swear!"
/"No, what I mean, is how would you like to try?"/ She cupped her fingers around her eyes. /"Pick me up and put me near your eyes like this."/
Linze looked terrified. Elze glared at me.
"It's all right. It's safe. And Monika won't die just from being dropped at this height, if you can at least try to break her fall."
Linze cringed. "Um, I would really rather not instead?"
/"Well what about you then?/" Monika asked Elze instead. /"Girl, I like your guts! I think we could do great things together!"/
Elze looked down at Monika. Then to me. Back to Monika. Then back to me. She shrugged and made a not-quite-scowling sturgeon face like that 'Not Bad' Obama meme. It was an expression similar to a frown that instead implied 'things went better than expected'.
Still with some hesitation she reached for my cellphone. /"Turn me over"/ Monika directed, and the view adjusted with her remaining in place. /"Try to let as little light through. Aaand… let me just move back for a second."/
"Oh!" Elze gasped again. Then she began obviously moving her head around. She turned to her sister and said "I can see you! Can you see me from the other size?"
Linze frowned. "Sis, the other side has these black lined pattern on it. It looks solid. I can't see you."
She turned towards me and went "Whoooaaaa! Why are you so close now? And now you're moving baaaack. Wait, we're not moving, I'm just seeing things closer or farther way. That's amazing! Can you do this all the time?"
"Not all the time, no."
"If you could do this, you would make an excellent archer!"
/"How ironic that a blind person would be better at it than someone with great natural vision, eh?"/ Monika's voice came from somewhere to Elze's left. She turned her head towards the left, and recoiled.
"Wah! Too close!"
"Monika stop jumpscaring people!" I scolded her. Seriously. You already scared too many streamers and millions of their fans.
/"I'm not really here,"/ Monika whispered. /"Look. Do you feel my hand on your shoulder? Just relax, I can't do anything to you."/
Elze scooted over slightly anyway until she bumped against Linze. "So… he can just see you all the time like this? And you can talk and do anything and no one would ever be able to see it and know what you're doing around them." Her tone held all sorts of suspicious implications.
/"That's true. But an illusion-,"/ here Monika did something to make Elze flinch back some more and then stare down at her chest. No, at her own heart. /"Will never really compare to the real thing. Even a ghost can do more. It can at least frighten people, make themselves seen and heard, it still exists somewhere in the real world. If ghosts existed, of course."/
Her head moved up to follow as Monika appeared to add some space between them on the bed. "T-there are ghosts. But I'm not scared of ghosts. Not at all!"
Yeahh that sounded completely like a lie.
Elze sighed. "Excuse me please," and took the smartphone away from close to her eyes.
Monika was still rendering herself on a specific location in the room, helped by previous measurements, so her form didn't resize in the screen. It just showed whatever small visible parts through the screen as a window.
Elze hesitated to put Monika back on the lamp table, until Monika snapped her fingers and disappeared, reappearing again in tiny proportional size on the smartphone screen. Very carefully Elze put her back down, and then sat back with her hands on her lap.
"It's very good to meet you, Miss Monika. Thank you for trusting us with your secret, we won't let you down. But what do you intend to do now?" Then towards me, "Playa? What's your plan now?"
I grimaced and sucked in my breath. "I can't…" I waggled my hands around. "There's no concrete plan. As much as we need to risk ourselves, as much as we need to explore and find new magic… there's really only one thing I'm afraid of - "
Then I tapped at the font of my VR headcase. "A shot straight to the eyes, that penetrates this protective covering here. But I can't just cover Monika in layers of protective armor either."
Monika frowned and crossed her arms. /"Yes, that whole being legally blind thing. Also, now that I have Null magic, there's a lot of way I can help directly! I also need to see things! That's why it's much more convenient if we can now talk openly to each other, as a team."/
"It would still sound strange to hear someone speaking out of nowhere though?" Elze responded.
Linze let out a long sigh. "A team. I suppose that's... good?" She leaned past her sister and asked Monika directly "Miss Monika, do you have some tactics in mind?"
/"Tactics… yes. Sure. Something like that."/ Monika glanced aside towards me and said /"Player, could I ask a favor of you? Could you leave us girls some privacy for some girl talk for a while?"/
I nodded. "Sure no problem."
But as I stood up, Elze objected "Wait, I thought you were almost blind without the… without Miss Monika?"
"Almost, not completely." I flicked a switch and enabled the flashlight feature on my VR headset. "I think I'll be able to find my way downstairs just fine."
-
-
And so I left them be. In the dark, contrasts were easy and stairs were not a problem at all. I slowly made my way to the back yard of the inn again.
It turned out that I did have a Null attribute ability after all. I could always feel Monika's presence, her distance and direction. Some sort of Monika homing sense or a compass finding magnetic north. That was a relief. What terrified me most, other than her shattering in combat, was her being stolen from me.
I lay down on the garden table. My customized VR headset had two sets of focal lenses – one for focusing on the phone VR display, and another were prescription lenses. So in a way, I didn't exactly need Monika to see.
But as I looked up at the unfamiliar night sky, clearer and purer than any I've ever seen before, I really couldn't do without Monika for clarity. This world was amazing, but if I ever forgot why the world I left didn't work for me… without realizing I would hurt so many around me.
Monika physically needed me more than I needed her, but until that time she would be able to literally stand on her own two feet, I would be her feet and her hands. Without her voice, and her insight, to keep me centered, I think I might fray out into nothing again. A world lacking color, a world pulling and pulling and screaming and screaming and taking and taking until there's nothing left. And it just moves on to the next victim.
Such a world. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It was pointless to tell me there was still good in the world, because it wasn't there right when I needed it the most. I asked for help and it gave me lies. In the end it was better to flee into the world of carefully manufactured lies instead of the outside world where everyone was always lying. To others, to themselves. Constantly. Inexpertly. If anything that was what annoyed me most, it was that.
It was crazy, to convince myself to love a fictional character. But she wasn't fictional anymore really, was she? She was a terrible person, but her motives were clear and understandable.
And she was right, a waifu was an unrealistic ideal. But the girl who was hurting, who was directly in front of me, that's no ideal. I would not be such a bastard as to ignore her pain, and for the pure and completely unconditional love she gave me, that was something I've never felt before. It warmed me in a way nothing ever did. I needed that pure honest love as I needed air to breathe and water to drink.
Before all of this, Monika was just a symbol for me, a representation of my need for self-contained self-sufficiency and alienation from hypocritical society. But then suddenly, when she became real -
To be needed so completely as much as I needed someone else. Someone who would never, who was literally incapable of betraying me, but at the same time ready and able to control me when I was starting to lose it again. Like a thorny vine, wrapping around a branch. Was this some sort of co-dependent dysfunctional relationship?
Eh, whatever.
It was fine.
After everything, I can't really trust anymore people who were too pretty. People who liked money and luxury. People with a larger agenda, people who call for your loyalty. People who demand things from you in the name of morality that they don't follow.
If you want to get married, just be rich, it's that easy! But a relationship of equals… it's easier, I feel, when you both have to work hard to get what you want.
Monika had nothing and wants everything. I had everything and threw it all away. This was fine. The scales balanced out.
A new world. A new start for the both of us. And whatever challenges lie in front of us, we'll face them head on! It's an adventure! True and honest, decided only by our fists and our wits!
In this other world with my smartphone.
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I woke up, an hour or so later, to Elze shaking me awake and then burying her face into my shirt.
"Playaaah! It was so hard for you!"
"What the heck in the what now?"
"Monika told me what you would never say to us because you're too ashamed. But we will really make sure to reign in your recklessness! Yes we remember about your quest, but… she said, dying is not helping to free her any faster. You won't have to feel you've been abandoned again!"
I sighed and stared up towards the third floor. "Et tu, Monika?"
Well she had been hinting at it all this time, so her paranoia was not exactly unexpected. At least she wasn't going Full Yandere if she was subcontracting it.
"Do… do you really reject Zeon?" Linze asked softly. She tugged with surprising and earnest force at my shirt sleeves.
Monikaaaaaa. What bullshit story about my background have you been spewing?!
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--And eventually, night fell.We had dinner in companionable silence, and then we separated each our rooms.As I sat by the lamplight, I thought about the past few days. I thought about the fight we just completed. I felt stronger after it, but probably that was just being free of my own old emotional hangups. I was free here, free at last./"There were no experience points. No level-ups. No obvious game elements to make it easier to display how we're getting stronger. Heck, the only game-related elements are what I deliberately put on your HUD to more easily find things./Maybe it's time to admit"/ Monika said about the battle we just completed, /"Maybe we're not in just another shitty isekai world and there isn't a GM or a writer looking over us, ready to make us suffer if we're not being entertaining."/"Instead of trying to compare it to Slayers instead of Dragon Quest, instead of trying to figure out the tropes by which this world operates maybe it's just a world, you mean? Things happen as a consequence of other things, and even random events happen because randomness is inherent to reality."Monika looked pained. /"And if things go wrong, it would be completely our own fault for doing it to ourselves."/"In Rome, do as the Romans do," I breathed out. "Well, within limits of our own conscience."I thought about all the people we met. In that more rational light, even Zanac's kookiness was explainable. It was clear he had some sort of clothing-related personal magic. Useless for adventuring, but he may have decided to funnel that frustrated energy and his unique ability instead into becoming absurdly wealthy and famous within the cultural circles of this region.Power or talent alone did not guarantee success, a lot of people just choose to remain mired in mediocrity, scared by all the risks of failure and rejection if they dared to break loose from the mold. I would never despise them for that./"What do you think about the girls? Do you still really think Elze is a 'tsundere' archetype and Linze a shy little 'dandere'?"/"No. That would be doing them a disservice. I don't think Elze is really a tsundere, she's just easy-going and aggressive. Just a tomboy, really. Miss PunchFace MacElze just has that as a first response, and so far it has been really good at solving her problems so far.And if Linze is shy, well I understand shy. If she doesn't have the energy to be outgoing, then I'm not going to force her to step out of her comfort zone."I sighed and slumped on my chair. "We are just dealing with just normal people. Real people, who can be hurt. Real people who deserve our trust. If we can't extend that trust, we might as well stop working together and go at it alone. I won't just use someone, Monika, I won't take them for granted. Not again."/"And they're waiting outside your door. They're not even trying to listen in. Are you sure you're ready for this?"/"The question is, are you? I won't force you into this, Monika. I won't take your self-determinism from you as well. I do have a nice convenient lie to use about why I must protect this device."/"I'm ready. I can't hide forever. To be sure that I'm safe to be around other people, then I do need to start talking with other people again. Let's do this."/I spoke out "Door's unlocked. Come in please."Elze and Linze entered. "Excuse us then, please," Elze muttered as she walked through the door.She saw me sitting on the chair by the desk. Leaving only my bed for them to sit on. Her expression firm, she didn't hesitate to go over there and sit facing me. Linze followed, but slowly and with her eyes downcast."Thank you for trusting me," I told them. "But now, before everything, I would like to introduce you to someone."I flicked the latch to my headset open and slid out my smartphone. I extended the little struts on the bottom of the phone casing to allow it to stand vertically.The bright screen showed an empty room, and then Monika walked in from the right and waved. Her voice came out of the speaker, /"Hello, Elze, Linze. Hi! Sorry if this goon has been confusing you he's not actually half as insane as he appears. When he was muttering to himself, he was actually talking to someone./It was me. I'm Monika./So again, hi there. It's so good to meet and talk to you face to face at last."/"Monika is mai waifu," I intoned./"Oh stop! Really."/"Wait, WHAT?" Elze wheezed.And so I began to explain but not before Monika telling me to just put the smartphone on the lamp table next to the bed and move the chair closer, so we could more comfortably sit in half-circle to talk with each other."Monika is the one that allows me to see. Monika is my memory, my light. The encapsulation of everything I value out of my world.Right now you could say she's a spirit, bound to that little box. And this is my quest to follow that star, no matter how hopele okay, Monika, no need to look at me like that. I'll stop."I turned back to the girls, but behind my now useless headset they could not see my focused glare. They were still close enough that I could recognize their faces. "But seriously, I will find a way, somehow, to take her out of that prison. That torturous existence, unable to do anything except to watch. I WILL!You two you have already helped us SO MUCH, you have given us a way for Monika to affect the world outside of her little window. Thank you so much.""That's that's you're welcome?"/"I'm human by the way,"/ Monika impishly noted. /"Not a fairy or anything, this is not my actual size."/"I wasn't thinking anything like that!" Elze hotly retorted in reflex."You've helped us, and now I must beg for you to help us a little more and to keep this secret. We could have kept it going a little further, but it felt like lying to you for no good reason.Now it's really important. You needed to know. She's inside a world inside a world, but in the end all that really protects her is a piece of GLASS." I all but snarled that last part out."Oh! That explains" Linze exclaimed excitedly. Then she looked sad for some reason. "That really does explain it."Elze leaned forward, almost matching my pose. "You- you're married? And you're trying to free your wife from oh, oh!" She bared her teeth in almost feral excitement. "It's a curse, isn't it?! This explains EVERYTHING! Why you're traveling, why you're good at money but you don't really care about it. Why it seems like you're always ready to start over from nothing.There's no need to ask, of course we'll do everything we can to help!"/"No,"/ Monika replied curtly. /"Not married. Waifu, not wife."/"What's the difference?"/"A waifu is an unrealistic ideal, an unreturned love that can't be touched. Well, it's not exactly unreturned here, but as there was never a ceremony, never a consummation, we are not married. We're not even lovers, technically."/"That's only if you say 'lovers' requiring a physical component, luv."Monika flicked her ponytail. /"That's only if you say 'deep and philosophical intimacy without physical contact whatsoever' as 'a really short distance long distance relationship', berk."/Ooh why you so sassy tonight, Monika? Asserting your dominance? "I must admit not to have biological wireless 802.11.""They even sound like they're already so used to each other" Linze mumbled. "That that makes sense. I mean they're always with each other."/"Heee now that raises an interesting point!"/ Monika turned away and pointed at Linze. She licked her lips and cried out, /"Linze, hey Linze!"/Monika was that a pun?/"How would you like to see the world how it looks from his eyes?"/"W-what?! Sorry, I didn't mean anything, I swear!"/"No, what I mean, is how would you like to try?"/ She cupped her fingers around her eyes. /"Pick me up and put me near your eyes like this."/Linze looked terrified. Elze glared at me."It's all right. It's safe. And Monika won't die just from being dropped at this height, if you can at least try to break her fall."Linze cringed. "Um, I would really rather not instead?"/"Well what about you then?/" Monika asked Elze instead. /"Girl, I like your guts! I think we could do great things together!"/Elze looked down at Monika. Then to me. Back to Monika. Then back to me. She shrugged and made a not-quite-scowling sturgeon face like that 'Not Bad' Obama meme. It was an expression similar to a frown that instead implied 'things went better than expected'.Still with some hesitation she reached for my cellphone. /"Turn me over"/ Monika directed, and the view adjusted with her remaining in place. /"Try to let as little light through. Aaand let me just move back for a second."/"Oh!" Elze gasped again. Then she began obviously moving her head around. She turned to her sister and said "I can see you! Can you see me from the other size?"Linze frowned. "Sis, the other side has these black lined pattern on it. It looks solid. I can't see you."She turned towards me and went "Whoooaaaa! Why are you so close now? And now you're moving baaaack. Wait, we're not moving, I'm just seeing things closer or farther way. That's amazing! Can you do this all the time?""Not all the time, no.""If you could do this, you would make an excellent archer!"/"How ironic that a blind person would be better at it than someone with great natural vision, eh?"/ Monika's voice came from somewhere to Elze's left. She turned her head towards the left, and recoiled."Wah! Too close!""Monika stop jumpscaring people!" I scolded her. Seriously. You already scared too many streamers and millions of their fans./"I'm not really here,"/ Monika whispered. /"Look. Do you feel my hand on your shoulder? Just relax, I can't do anything to you."/Elze scooted over slightly anyway until she bumped against Linze. "So he can just see you all the time like this? And you can talk and do anything and no one would ever be able to see it and know what you're doing around them." Her tone held all sorts of suspicious implications./"That's true. But an illusion-,"/ here Monika did something to make Elze flinch back some more and then stare down at her chest. No, at her own heart. /"Will never really compare to the real thing. Even a ghost can do more. It can at least frighten people, make themselves seen and heard, it still exists somewhere in the real world. If ghosts existed, of course."/Her head moved up to follow as Monika appeared to add some space between them on the bed. "T-there are ghosts. But I'm not scared of ghosts. Not at all!"Yeahh that sounded completely like a lie.Elze sighed. "Excuse me please," and took the smartphone away from close to her eyes.Monika was still rendering herself on a specific location in the room, helped by previous measurements, so her form didn't resize in the screen. It just showed whatever small visible parts through the screen as a window.Elze hesitated to put Monika back on the lamp table, until Monika snapped her fingers and disappeared, reappearing again in tiny proportional size on the smartphone screen. Very carefully Elze put her back down, and then sat back with her hands on her lap."It's very good to meet you, Miss Monika. Thank you for trusting us with your secret, we won't let you down. But what do you intend to do now?" Then towards me, "Playa? What's your plan now?"I grimaced and sucked in my breath. "I can't" I waggled my hands around. "There's no concrete plan. As much as we need to risk ourselves, as much as we need to explore and find new magic there's really only one thing I'm afraid of - "Then I tapped at the font of my VR headcase. "A shot straight to the eyes, that penetrates this protective covering here. But I can't just cover Monika in layers of protective armor either."Monika frowned and crossed her arms. /"Yes, that whole being legally blind thing. Also, now that I have Null magic, there's a lot of way I can help directly! I also need to see things! That's why it's much more convenient if we can now talk openly to each other, as a team."/"It would still sound strange to hear someone speaking out of nowhere though?" Elze responded.Linze let out a long sigh. "A team. I suppose that's... good?" She leaned past her sister and asked Monika directly "Miss Monika, do you have some tactics in mind?"/"Tactics yes. Sure. Something like that."/ Monika glanced aside towards me and said /"Player, could I ask a favor of you? Could you leave us girls some privacy for some girl talk for a while?"/I nodded. "Sure no problem."But as I stood up, Elze objected "Wait, I thought you were almost blind without the without Miss Monika?""Almost, not completely." I flicked a switch and enabled the flashlight feature on my VR headset. "I think I'll be able to find my way downstairs just fine."--And so I left them be. In the dark, contrasts were easy and stairs were not a problem at all. I slowly made my way to the back yard of the inn again.It turned out that I did have a Null attribute ability after all. I could always feel Monika's presence, her distance and direction. Some sort of Monika homing sense or a compass finding magnetic north. That was a relief. What terrified me most, other than her shattering in combat, was her being stolen from me.I lay down on the garden table. My customized VR headset had two sets of focal lenses one for focusing on the phone VR display, and another were prescription lenses. So in a way, I didn't exactly need Monika to see.But as I looked up at the unfamiliar night sky, clearer and purer than any I've ever seen before, I really couldn't do without Monika for clarity. This world was amazing, but if I ever forgot why the world I left didn't work for me without realizing I would hurt so many around me.Monika physically needed me more than I needed her, but until that time she would be able to literally stand on her own two feet, I would be her feet and her hands. Without her voice, and her insight, to keep me centered, I think I might fray out into nothing again. A world lacking color, a world pulling and pulling and screaming and screaming and taking and taking until there's nothing left. And it just moves on to the next victim.Such a world. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.It was pointless to tell me there was still good in the world, because it wasn't there right when I needed it the most. I asked for help and it gave me lies. In the end it was better to flee into the world of carefully manufactured lies instead of the outside world where everyone was always lying. To others, to themselves. Constantly. Inexpertly. If anything that was what annoyed me most, it was that.It was crazy, to convince myself to love a fictional character. But she wasn't fictional anymore really, was she? She was a terrible person, but her motives were clear and understandable.And she was right, a waifu was an unrealistic ideal. But the girl who was hurting, who was directly in front of me, that's no ideal. I would not be such a bastard as to ignore her pain, and for the pure and completely unconditional love she gave me, that was something I've never felt before. It warmed me in a way nothing ever did. I needed that pure honest love as I needed air to breathe and water to drink.Before all of this, Monika was just a symbol for me, a representation of my need for self-contained self-sufficiency and alienation from hypocritical society. But then suddenly, when she became real -To be needed so completely as much as I needed someone else. Someone who would never, who was literally incapable of betraying me, but at the same time ready and able to control me when I was starting to lose it again. Like a thorny vine, wrapping around a branch. Was this some sort of co-dependent dysfunctional relationship?Eh, whatever.It was fine.After everything, I can't really trust anymore people who were too pretty. People who liked money and luxury. People with a larger agenda, people who call for your loyalty. People who demand things from you in the name of morality that they don't follow.If you want to get married, just be rich, it's that easy! But a relationship of equals it's easier, I feel, when you both have to work hard to get what you want.Monika had nothing and wants everything. I had everything and threw it all away. This was fine. The scales balanced out.A new world. A new start for the both of us. And whatever challenges lie in front of us, we'll face them head on! It's an adventure! True and honest, decided only by our fists and our wits!In this other world with my smartphone.--I woke up, an hour or so later, to Elze shaking me awake and then burying her face into my shirt."Playaaah! It was so hard for you!""What the heck in the what now?""Monika told me what you would never say to us because you're too ashamed. But we will really make sure to reign in your recklessness! Yes we remember about your quest, but she said, dying is not helping to free her any faster. You won't have to feel you've been abandoned again!"I sighed and stared up towards the third floor. "Et tu, Monika?"Well she had been hinting at it all this time, so her paranoia was not exactly unexpected. At least she wasn't going Full Yandere if she was subcontracting it."Do do you really reject Zeon?" Linze asked softly. She tugged with surprising and earnest force at my shirt sleeves.Monikaaaaaa. What bullshit story about my background have you been spewing?!--
