Four
Gao Fei's lips were soft and sweeter than any desert I had eaten before in the past. With familiarity, I prised open his mouth, biting on his lower lip. I loved to kiss him in this manner, biting him. My hands, which were wound around his body, tightened. At this moment, I wished fervently that Gao Fei and I were the same inseparable entity, never to be torn or cut apart.
Soon, Gao Fei could no longer suppress his desire, his long fingers twining around the back of my head, pushing me back as our bodies arched closer towards the other. His hands, sliding past my clothes, made contact with my body as they wandered across my skin.
Each time we made love, though Gao Fei did not claim me violently, still, he would leave me aching the next day.
As I attended Gao Fei's company gathering alongside him, I was dressed in ordinary, unassuming clothes. But I was very sorry to realise that this did not prevent Gao Fei's supervisor from recognising me. I did not know if he was blessed with an all-seeing mind to recognise a jewel amongst stones, or if he possessed a simple mind which could not see past the obvious, but the end result remained unchanged. Even though I only wanted to be Gao Fei's dutiful wife and not the chairman of some board of directors within this city, all of Gao Fei's colleague were unable to see this simple wish.
After my father passed away, I succeeded him to become the figurehead director of his enterprise, but I was truly only a figurehead - a director in name. I did not have the energy required to manage a corporation, nor did I wish to waste any time on anything unrelated to Gao Fei.
But I still underestimated the way people gravitated towards the wealthy and powerful. As I fended off their advances, I felt extremely wronged - I was clearly not the protagonist, but I was surrounded by a sea of people swarming towards me. Helpless, my eyes searched desperately for Gao Fei within the endless people.
Eventually, I found him.
He stood beyond the crowd, a wineglass in his hands. As our eyes met, his lips lifted in a strange smile, the derision within his gaze unmasked.
This was not the Gao Fei I knew.
Abruptly, I felt as though I had committed a heinous crime. Even as I struggled to break free from the crowd, moving past the wall of people gathered around me to search for Gao Fei, his figure had already disappeared from my field of vision.
When we finally returned home, the first words Gao Fei said to me were, 'Congratulations. Miss He, no, I should say, Chairman He, you've succeeded in interfering even with my job.'
I stiffened, the ice in his words curling around my heart. I had not even taken my shoes off. I could not wear high-heels, but for Gao Fei, tonight, I had worn them for five hours straight. The bottom of my heels was muddied with dirt from when I had wade through the flower bed in order to chase him.
I bit on my nails, not knowing what to say in response.
In the end, I lowered my gaze and said, 'Gao Fei, I love you.'
Whenever I had exhausted my words and was at a loss in explaining myself, I would only say, Gao Fei, I love you. As I repeated this simple sentence over and over again, I hoped that one day, Gao Fei would be able to understand the most sincere feelings within me.
But I had only ever received disappointment. Time and time again, my words had no effect on him.
Gao Fei acted as though he had heard the most amusing joke in the world. As he stood at the topmost level of the stairs, he stared down towards me, his smile becoming all the more enchanting. For a fleeting moment, it seemed as though the faintest breeze of the evening wind would cause Gao Fei to ascend to the Heavens as a celestial.
After a moment, he said, 'Then, let me thank you for your love!'
Gao Fei had returned to me my thanks, using my gratefulness, which I thought could at least elicit some love from him, as a response to me. I remember, that day after I had thanked him, Gao Fei's attitude towards me had improved, but now, he was using the very same words of thanks to put an end to this temporal affection.
With a jolt, I lifted my head. I stared at Gao Fei, who stood high up on the steps, his tall and straight shadow rippling across the white walls of the house under the yellow glow of the lamps. At this moment, it felt as though Gao Fei was separated from me by a distance of a thousand miles, and with the faintest movement on my part, he would vanish, to disappear beyond my reach for all of eternity.
I was stunned into silence by this sudden fear, and stood rooted on the spot, not daring to move.
Later that night, I tossed and turned in bed till dawn, my mind racing with a thousand and one ways to explain myself.
Gao Fei, it isn't like that.
Gao Fei, it isn't the way you imagined it to be.
But I was powerless, for he did not give me the chance to explain.
***
Today is the eve of Chinese New Year. From eight o'clock in the morning, the television had already begun airing numerous celebratory shows in anticipation of the new year.
As I looked out of the window, I saw that the across the city, thousands of homes were illuminated with brightly-lit lamps and decorated with colourful red silk. Overnight, the city had transformed into an image of prosperity, where the skies were ablaze with the heightened excitement of the common people.
I bowed my head as I stared at the bowl of dumplings sitting squarely on the large dining table.
Gao Fei would not be spending the new year with me. On the 28th of January, he had already left for his parents' home. He did not regard me as part of his family; neither did his parents. I was an outsider to his family, and this was one of Gao Fei's conditions before he agreed to marry me. I had no way of opposing him, for rejecting this condition would have meant that the affinity between us would come to an immediate end.
The heater was not switched on, nor were the lights. Yet the room was lit in a soft glow as the moonlight reflected off the vast expanse of blinding white snow. My eyes stared fixatedly at the dumplings which I had spent an entire night to make. They were in a mess - their skins broken, fillings spilling into the cold soup, sticky and dry.
I did not wear my shoes, and my feet were a little cold. I wrapped Gao Fei's large jacket around myself then curled up on the couch, shivering from the chilly air. As I lifted the spoon, I began imagining to myself that Gao Fei was by my side… that's right. He should be by my side. He was wearing a white shirt and a pair of casual, grey pants, as well as leather shoes. His smile was as warm as the spring breeze, and within this bitterly cold night where snowflakes danced across the night skies, he held me tightly within his arms.
On the television screen was a small play by Zhao Benshan, a renowned comedian. The play was titled 'Never Short of Money', and I thought that this was the story of my life, for I had never been short of money. On the contrary, I had too much of it.
By the time I began to finish that bowl of dumplings, the newscaster had already started counting down to the New Year: 'Ten, nine, eight, seven…'
'Six, five, four, three, two, one,' I counted silently in my heart. Then I turned to look at my wedding photo, which I had ordered to be enlarged to ridiculous proportions, such that the Gao Fei who stood within it smiled in a strangely distorted manner.
I said to him, 'Gao Fei, happy Chinese New Year, I love you.'
This was the last Chinese New Year I would be spending by your side, even if you were not by mine.
***
When I woke up the next morning, I immediately felt Gao Fei's presence beside me. Before we married, I had also given Gao Fei a condition: for him to please return to my side before I woke up on the first day of the new year, so that I will not find myself too pitiful.
Having spent the last three days away from him, my heart curled in contentment as I inhaled Gao Fei's familiar scent. Even though my eyes remained closed, I was smiling.
I burrowed my head into his chest.
'Gao Fei, I love you.'
Gao Fei seemed to be tired of these words, for they were the most common sentence I had repeated to him. He removed my hand, which had been perched on his chest. But perhaps the first day of the new year left some reservations in Gao Fei, for he did not exert the entirety of his strength.
I was deeply encouraged. It was an inborn flaw in me to be unreasonable and demanding: give me an inch, and I will take a mile. Just as it was innate in me to be unable to withstand being so near, yet so far from Gao Fei. I inhaled deeply against his chest. Because Gao Fei was travel-worn and weary, his body carried the smell of the billowing winter snow, clear and cool.
I said, 'It's snowing again?'
Gao Fei murmured in assent, and I suddenly recalled my imaginations last night. I dreamed that within the darkness of the snowy night, Gao Fei held me protectively within his arms.
I opened my eyes, and stared beyond the window curtains to look at the skies. Snowflakes fluttered across the air, landing on the trees and the grounds and the eaves of the houses.
'I like it when it snows. I've liked it since I was young. When I was a child, because of my health, I rarely had the chance to leave home. Maybe that is the reason why I always imagined that one day, a prince would appear to rescue me from my prison, just like how the story goes in fairytales. Gao Fei, perhaps you have never known, but from the moment I met you, I knew that you must be the person I had been looking for.'
It was evident that Gao Fei was extremely exhausted.
He only said, 'There are no fairytales in this world. No one can be the saviour of another.'
Then he laid down, turned away, and began to sleep.
I thought that Gao Fei was tired because he had stayed up late in counting down the New Year with his family last night, then rushed back so early in the morning to fulfil his promise to be by my side. So I did not disturb him, sitting up as I began to change my clothes.
Of course, I understood that fairytales did not truly exist.
But, Gao Fei, if fairytales were only a figment of imagination and you were never a prince, why do I still continue to love you?
The next few days which passed were a period of time where I spent a lot of time with Gao Fei. Even though he was cooped up within the study for most part of the day, I continued to disturb him unabashedly. Intruding upon him as I called his name, Gao Fei, Gao Fei, my heart filling with warmth each time I said his name.
Across the city, the festivities had brightened everyone with happiness and fervent excitement. I was no exception, for the large amount of time I spent with Gao Fei in recent days left me in a similar state of bliss.
What I loved most was the way Gao Fei laid on the couch as he read the papers every afternoon. I loved the way he was unfettered by the worries of life, removed from the bitterness of the world. I loved to lie within his embrace, letting him hug me, snatching his newspapers as I read them aloud, becoming his personal news anchor.
Gao Fei was conflicted, but as it took too much effort for him to constantly ward off my advances, sometimes he would not bother to argue with me if my actions did not cross his bottom line. Occasionally, he would act like an unaffected third party, coolly watching my antics from a distance, his heart beyond my reach. He did not smile, but neither was he angered.
And I? I could not be considered a good student. Sometimes I held onto his hand; other times, my fingers traced his face. It was as though I could not see enough of him, could not touch enough of him. When his long fingers brushed across my lips, I felt like the most blissful person on earth, for I was treasured by the person I loved with the whole of my soul.
My eyes, cloudy with desire, flickered to his chest. Slowly, I began to undo his shirt, button by button, the newspapers long tossed to a corner by me.
Yet Gao Fei did not like this unabashed side of me. Even if I possessed eight different masks, each with a different personality, he would still be unmoved by all of them. There were times when he would respond to me, acquiescing to my wishes as we made love on the small couch. Other times, he would harden his heart and ignore me; no matter how I tried, he was able to remain coolly detached. But the majority of the times, he was repelled by me.
Because he was still unable to forget the way I had drugged him on the night we wed.
Gao Fei often said, He Yujin, you must remember, you reap your own comeuppance; you sow your own retribution.
In his eyes, I was a spoilt princess who could not distinguish between right and wrong. His disdain of me was all too similar to the contempt the world had for the children of the nouveau riche. This, I could understand, just as I could accept.
When we made love, Gao Fei did not use protection, nor did he release outside of my body. But I knew that he had gone for contraceptive injections behind my back. I felt wronged, yet I had never once mentioned a word to him.
The truth was, before we had even married, in my giddy excitement, I had already gone to the hospital for numerous check-ups. I yearned to give Gao Fei a child, for this was the best and only way I could always have a place in his life. Though I had succeeded in forcing Gao Fei to marry me, he could forget me the instant I died and left his life. There was nothing preventing him from going back to the way his life had been, to treat the years we had spent together as a nightmare, a dream to be forgotten with the passing of time.
But were I to have Gao Fei's child, he would never be able to forget me in this lifetime.
Yet I was just like a bad apple heavily riddled with holes.
I did not have such good fortune.
The doctors were like judges of a supreme court announcing the death penalty. With unreadable faces, they said that I did not possess the fortune of becoming a mother in this life. The word 'infertile' destined that my evil intentions would never come to fruition. It also guaranteed that at the very end, I would still be unable to walk into Gao Fei's life.
In the throes of passion, I continued to murmur Gao Fei's name, telling him I loved him.
Above my body, Gao Fei exhaled, preparing to pull away, but I tightened my legs around him and did not allow him to leave. After our vigorous love making, Gao Fei did not have much strength left to struggle against me. He only stared at me, his brows drawn.
My fingers cupped his face. My voice was serious, as though this was the last time I would be seeing him.
I said, 'Gao Fei, I love you, do you know?'
Then I cried, my tears falling heavily, wetting the corners of my eyes and drenching the bedsheets.
In these years, I had said to Gao Fei countless times that I loved him, but there was a never a time when he truly heard my earnest confessions - never a time when he listened to my deepest feelings with his heart.
I began to cry harder, but I soon grew tired. In the end, I released my hold on him and shifted away, letting him pull out of me.
After all that, finally, I became exhausted, and fell asleep.
Four
Gao Fei's lips were soft and sweeter than any desert I had eaten before in the past. With familiarity, I prised open his mouth, biting on his lower lip. I loved to kiss him in this manner, biting him. My hands, which were wound around his body, tightened. At this moment, I wished fervently that Gao Fei and I were the same inseparable entity, never to be torn or cut apart.
Soon, Gao Fei could no longer suppress his desire, his long fingers twining around the back of my head, pushing me back as our bodies arched closer towards the other. His hands, sliding past my clothes, made contact with my body as they wandered across my skin.
Each time we made love, though Gao Fei did not claim me violently, still, he would leave me aching the next day.
As I attended Gao Fei's company gathering alongside him, I was dressed in ordinary, unassuming clothes. But I was very sorry to realise that this did not prevent Gao Fei's supervisor from recognising me. I did not know if he was blessed with an all-seeing mind to recognise a jewel amongst stones, or if he possessed a simple mind which could not see past the obvious, but the end result remained unchanged. Even though I only wanted to be Gao Fei's dutiful wife and not the chairman of some board of directors within this city, all of Gao Fei's colleague were unable to see this simple wish.
After my father passed away, I succeeded him to become the figurehead director of his enterprise, but I was truly only a figurehead - a director in name. I did not have the energy required to manage a corporation, nor did I wish to waste any time on anything unrelated to Gao Fei.
But I still underestimated the way people gravitated towards the wealthy and powerful. As I fended off their advances, I felt extremely wronged - I was clearly not the protagonist, but I was surrounded by a sea of people swarming towards me. Helpless, my eyes searched desperately for Gao Fei within the endless people.
Eventually, I found him.
He stood beyond the crowd, a wineglass in his hands. As our eyes met, his lips lifted in a strange smile, the derision within his gaze unmasked.
This was not the Gao Fei I knew.
Abruptly, I felt as though I had committed a heinous crime. Even as I struggled to break free from the crowd, moving past the wall of people gathered around me to search for Gao Fei, his figure had already disappeared from my field of vision.
When we finally returned home, the first words Gao Fei said to me were, 'Congratulations. Miss He, no, I should say, Chairman He, you've succeeded in interfering even with my job.'
I stiffened, the ice in his words curling around my heart. I had not even taken my shoes off. I could not wear high-heels, but for Gao Fei, tonight, I had worn them for five hours straight. The bottom of my heels was muddied with dirt from when I had wade through the flower bed in order to chase him.
I bit on my nails, not knowing what to say in response.
In the end, I lowered my gaze and said, 'Gao Fei, I love you.'
Whenever I had exhausted my words and was at a loss in explaining myself, I would only say, Gao Fei, I love you. As I repeated this simple sentence over and over again, I hoped that one day, Gao Fei would be able to understand the most sincere feelings within me.
But I had only ever received disappointment. Time and time again, my words had no effect on him.
Gao Fei acted as though he had heard the most amusing joke in the world. As he stood at the topmost level of the stairs, he stared down towards me, his smile becoming all the more enchanting. For a fleeting moment, it seemed as though the faintest breeze of the evening wind would cause Gao Fei to ascend to the Heavens as a celestial.
After a moment, he said, 'Then, let me thank you for your love!'
Gao Fei had returned to me my thanks, using my gratefulness, which I thought could at least elicit some love from him, as a response to me. I remember, that day after I had thanked him, Gao Fei's attitude towards me had improved, but now, he was using the very same words of thanks to put an end to this temporal affection.
With a jolt, I lifted my head. I stared at Gao Fei, who stood high up on the steps, his tall and straight shadow rippling across the white walls of the house under the yellow glow of the lamps. At this moment, it felt as though Gao Fei was separated from me by a distance of a thousand miles, and with the faintest movement on my part, he would vanish, to disappear beyond my reach for all of eternity.
I was stunned into silence by this sudden fear, and stood rooted on the spot, not daring to move.
Later that night, I tossed and turned in bed till dawn, my mind racing with a thousand and one ways to explain myself.
Gao Fei, it isn't like that.
Gao Fei, it isn't the way you imagined it to be.
But I was powerless, for he did not give me the chance to explain.
***
Today is the eve of Chinese New Year. From eight o'clock in the morning, the television had already begun airing numerous celebratory shows in anticipation of the new year.
As I looked out of the window, I saw that the across the city, thousands of homes were illuminated with brightly-lit lamps and decorated with colourful red silk. Overnight, the city had transformed into an image of prosperity, where the skies were ablaze with the heightened excitement of the common people.
I bowed my head as I stared at the bowl of dumplings sitting squarely on the large dining table.
Gao Fei would not be spending the new year with me. On the 28th of January, he had already left for his parents' home. He did not regard me as part of his family; neither did his parents. I was an outsider to his family, and this was one of Gao Fei's conditions before he agreed to marry me. I had no way of opposing him, for rejecting this condition would have meant that the affinity between us would come to an immediate end.
The heater was not switched on, nor were the lights. Yet the room was lit in a soft glow as the moonlight reflected off the vast expanse of blinding white snow. My eyes stared fixatedly at the dumplings which I had spent an entire night to make. They were in a mess - their skins broken, fillings spilling into the cold soup, sticky and dry.
I did not wear my shoes, and my feet were a little cold. I wrapped Gao Fei's large jacket around myself then curled up on the couch, shivering from the chilly air. As I lifted the spoon, I began imagining to myself that Gao Fei was by my side… that's right. He should be by my side. He was wearing a white shirt and a pair of casual, grey pants, as well as leather shoes. His smile was as warm as the spring breeze, and within this bitterly cold night where snowflakes danced across the night skies, he held me tightly within his arms.
On the television screen was a small play by Zhao Benshan, a renowned comedian. The play was titled 'Never Short of Money', and I thought that this was the story of my life, for I had never been short of money. On the contrary, I had too much of it.
By the time I began to finish that bowl of dumplings, the newscaster had already started counting down to the New Year: 'Ten, nine, eight, seven…'
'Six, five, four, three, two, one,' I counted silently in my heart. Then I turned to look at my wedding photo, which I had ordered to be enlarged to ridiculous proportions, such that the Gao Fei who stood within it smiled in a strangely distorted manner.
I said to him, 'Gao Fei, happy Chinese New Year, I love you.'
This was the last Chinese New Year I would be spending by your side, even if you were not by mine.
***
When I woke up the next morning, I immediately felt Gao Fei's presence beside me. Before we married, I had also given Gao Fei a condition: for him to please return to my side before I woke up on the first day of the new year, so that I will not find myself too pitiful.
Having spent the last three days away from him, my heart curled in contentment as I inhaled Gao Fei's familiar scent. Even though my eyes remained closed, I was smiling.
I burrowed my head into his chest.
'Gao Fei, I love you.'
Gao Fei seemed to be tired of these words, for they were the most common sentence I had repeated to him. He removed my hand, which had been perched on his chest. But perhaps the first day of the new year left some reservations in Gao Fei, for he did not exert the entirety of his strength.
I was deeply encouraged. It was an inborn flaw in me to be unreasonable and demanding: give me an inch, and I will take a mile. Just as it was innate in me to be unable to withstand being so near, yet so far from Gao Fei. I inhaled deeply against his chest. Because Gao Fei was travel-worn and weary, his body carried the smell of the billowing winter snow, clear and cool.
I said, 'It's snowing again?'
Gao Fei murmured in assent, and I suddenly recalled my imaginations last night. I dreamed that within the darkness of the snowy night, Gao Fei held me protectively within his arms.
I opened my eyes, and stared beyond the window curtains to look at the skies. Snowflakes fluttered across the air, landing on the trees and the grounds and the eaves of the houses.
'I like it when it snows. I've liked it since I was young. When I was a child, because of my health, I rarely had the chance to leave home. Maybe that is the reason why I always imagined that one day, a prince would appear to rescue me from my prison, just like how the story goes in fairytales. Gao Fei, perhaps you have never known, but from the moment I met you, I knew that you must be the person I had been looking for.'
It was evident that Gao Fei was extremely exhausted.
He only said, 'There are no fairytales in this world. No one can be the saviour of another.'
Then he laid down, turned away, and began to sleep.
I thought that Gao Fei was tired because he had stayed up late in counting down the New Year with his family last night, then rushed back so early in the morning to fulfil his promise to be by my side. So I did not disturb him, sitting up as I began to change my clothes.
Of course, I understood that fairytales did not truly exist.
But, Gao Fei, if fairytales were only a figment of imagination and you were never a prince, why do I still continue to love you?
The next few days which passed were a period of time where I spent a lot of time with Gao Fei. Even though he was cooped up within the study for most part of the day, I continued to disturb him unabashedly. Intruding upon him as I called his name, Gao Fei, Gao Fei, my heart filling with warmth each time I said his name.
Across the city, the festivities had brightened everyone with happiness and fervent excitement. I was no exception, for the large amount of time I spent with Gao Fei in recent days left me in a similar state of bliss.
What I loved most was the way Gao Fei laid on the couch as he read the papers every afternoon. I loved the way he was unfettered by the worries of life, removed from the bitterness of the world. I loved to lie within his embrace, letting him hug me, snatching his newspapers as I read them aloud, becoming his personal news anchor.
Gao Fei was conflicted, but as it took too much effort for him to constantly ward off my advances, sometimes he would not bother to argue with me if my actions did not cross his bottom line. Occasionally, he would act like an unaffected third party, coolly watching my antics from a distance, his heart beyond my reach. He did not smile, but neither was he angered.
And I? I could not be considered a good student. Sometimes I held onto his hand; other times, my fingers traced his face. It was as though I could not see enough of him, could not touch enough of him. When his long fingers brushed across my lips, I felt like the most blissful person on earth, for I was treasured by the person I loved with the whole of my soul.
My eyes, cloudy with desire, flickered to his chest. Slowly, I began to undo his shirt, button by button, the newspapers long tossed to a corner by me.
Yet Gao Fei did not like this unabashed side of me. Even if I possessed eight different masks, each with a different personality, he would still be unmoved by all of them. There were times when he would respond to me, acquiescing to my wishes as we made love on the small couch. Other times, he would harden his heart and ignore me; no matter how I tried, he was able to remain coolly detached. But the majority of the times, he was repelled by me.
Because he was still unable to forget the way I had drugged him on the night we wed.
Gao Fei often said, He Yujin, you must remember, you reap your own comeuppance; you sow your own retribution.
In his eyes, I was a spoilt princess who could not distinguish between right and wrong. His disdain of me was all too similar to the contempt the world had for the children of the nouveau riche. This, I could understand, just as I could accept.
When we made love, Gao Fei did not use protection, nor did he release outside of my body. But I knew that he had gone for contraceptive injections behind my back. I felt wronged, yet I had never once mentioned a word to him.
The truth was, before we had even married, in my giddy excitement, I had already gone to the hospital for numerous check-ups. I yearned to give Gao Fei a child, for this was the best and only way I could always have a place in his life. Though I had succeeded in forcing Gao Fei to marry me, he could forget me the instant I died and left his life. There was nothing preventing him from going back to the way his life had been, to treat the years we had spent together as a nightmare, a dream to be forgotten with the passing of time.
But were I to have Gao Fei's child, he would never be able to forget me in this lifetime.
Yet I was just like a bad apple heavily riddled with holes.
I did not have such good fortune.
The doctors were like judges of a supreme court announcing the death penalty. With unreadable faces, they said that I did not possess the fortune of becoming a mother in this life. The word 'infertile' destined that my evil intentions would never come to fruition. It also guaranteed that at the very end, I would still be unable to walk into Gao Fei's life.
In the throes of passion, I continued to murmur Gao Fei's name, telling him I loved him.
Above my body, Gao Fei exhaled, preparing to pull away, but I tightened my legs around him and did not allow him to leave. After our vigorous love making, Gao Fei did not have much strength left to struggle against me. He only stared at me, his brows drawn.
My fingers cupped his face. My voice was serious, as though this was the last time I would be seeing him.
I said, 'Gao Fei, I love you, do you know?'
Then I cried, my tears falling heavily, wetting the corners of my eyes and drenching the bedsheets.
In these years, I had said to Gao Fei countless times that I loved him, but there was a never a time when he truly heard my earnest confessions - never a time when he listened to my deepest feelings with his heart.
I began to cry harder, but I soon grew tired. In the end, I released my hold on him and shifted away, letting him pull out of me.
After all that, finally, I became exhausted, and fell asleep.
