Picked Up In Winter <30>
-I returned.
The moment I saw that door, I realized it for the first time.
I came back home. I returned to reality. To the place where my mother is, I returned….
I stood still for a while and stared fixedly at the worn-out front gate. It wasn’t easy to gather courage and reach out.
Once I open that door, I will completely return to myself. I won’t be Happy anymore. I will be Kang Hagil. Kang Hagil, an existence that means completely nothing to him. From the moment I open that door….
“…….”
But she is in this house.
I whispered soothingly to myself, who was hesitating.
She is in this house. She who is the sweetest than anyone, and who will call me with a name that is not Happy. The one who desperately needs the existence of the <real me> is inside there.
I slowly moved my feet and stood in front of the door. It felt as if I was holding some sacred ceremony. I took a deep breath, stretched out my hand, and pushed the old gate.
Creaaak…… The rusty metal produced an annoying sound.
I went inside carefully. And slowly looked around the yard, my eyes entered the unchanging scene of the dark ambiance and warmth. When I saw that, for some reason I felt choked up, and so had to stand absentmindedly for a while.
Even without me, even if I left this place for a while, nothing has changed here. It still remained like this, waiting for me to come back.
I was somewhat overwhelmed by the thought.
I passed through the yard, approaching the brown doors which were nestled in the corner of the building. And stood in front of them for a moment, just looking at them.
This was the house where we have been living in for three years. It was a two-room apartment in which she worried about my studies and overexerted herself.
I pondered for a bit about what to do, then slowly raised my hand to knock on the door. Knock, knock… The wooden, brown door produced a low sound.
“…….”
But there was no reaction from inside. I knocked on the door one more time.
Knock, knock.
The door resounded again. Since it was early morning I thought that she may be still asleep. I was sorry to wake her up, who goes to bed late, but I had no choice. I knocked on the door with even more strength.
Bam, bam.
This time the doors shook with a pretty loud sound. And from inside came the sounds of a person moving around. It looks like she has woken up…! I took a deep breath, straightening my back. I imagined her expression of being deeply moved once she opens the door, and looks at me.
And when the slowly approaching footsteps finally stopped behind the door,
“Who… is… it?”
Like this,
A drowsy, as if just woken up, voice came out.
I widened my eyes.
That was not her voice.
“Who is it?”
When I didn’t answer, the voice from inside asked once again in a slight irritation. I widened my eyes and stared at the door from which came an unfamiliar voice I’ve never heard.
What is going on? Did I confuse the house?
Even though I knew that wasn’t possible, I tried hard to think like that.
Then, the door opened with a click.
“Who is it, fooling around at this ungodly hour……”
“…….”
A young woman, who was snippily mumbling, came out of the door. When she found me standing in front of the door with a blank expression, she immediately widened her eyes and shallowed down the end of her sentence.
“…….”
“…….”
We kept our mouths closed for a while and just looked at each other.
A long time later, she sized me up and down, and carefully started.
“That, who are… you?”
“…….”
But that was something I wanted to ask her.
At the totally unexpected happenings, the urgent last words of the school president, when I had visited the school, came to mind.
‘You, Your mother-…’
And then from inside came out another person.
“Dear……. What’s wrong? Who came?”
This time it was a young man. The man, wearing comfortable pants and a sleevless T-shirt, came to us scratching his head, looking like he has just woken up from sleep. And after he discovered me, looked suspicious and asked the woman.
“Who’s that?”
“Well, I also have no idea… Is it not someone you know?”
“Nope. I don’t know any kids at this age…… Who are you?”
The man asked with a blatant gaze of being on guard.
I felt unbearable confusion as I looked at him. Your mother, your mother, your mother……. Like an echo, only those words floated in my mind.
“Excuse me……?”
He frowned and asked again when he saw me standing weirdly with an expression as if my soul has escaped me. At that slightest of sounds, I came to myself and looked at him.
“Ah…….”
I let out a small sight without realizing.
“Excuse me, this place……”
“Yes?”
He replied in a sharp voice.
“Excuse me, the person living here before…… Where did they go?”
I managed to ask the following in a calm voice.
“Slightly older… woman… She used to live here…….”
“Ah, the person who lived here before? Of course, we don’t know. You should ask that to the owner of the house.”
“Ah…!”
The woman, who was standing next to him who has given an insignificant answer, opened her mouth as if she had remembered something.
“Wait… a bit. I did hear something from the landlady.”
“Yeah?”
“Before we came here, it seems like there used to live a mother and son1, but after the son ran away, the mother looked all over for him, when not long ago she died in a hit-and-run accident…….”
“……!”
Speaking until now, she looked me over with a doubtful look. But the moment I heard that, it got dark before my eyes, and I couldn’t see her properly.
She said, died. Died, she said…….
As if she was reading a passage from a textbook, the words that came out of her mouth so casually, not realizing the dreadfulness, I repeated them quietly. But it still didn’t feel real. What have I just heard?
With my head unable to keep up with the reality, with only the emotions going ahead, it soon got dark before my eyes and the ground seemed far away, my heart started pounding in my chest wildly.
“Could you be… that son……?!”
In the darkness, only her voice quietly resounded.
“After you had left, she went looking around every day…. Without a rest, as if she was out of her mind, you have no idea how desperate she was…….”
Being told this, I looked at her blankly.
She looked at me with a look full of sadness. But I listened to it as if it was somebody else’s business.
When they found out I was that <runaway son> of the <mother who died in a hit-and-run accident>, they knocked on the landlady’s door and took me there. And now here I am sitting face to face with her and listening silently.
“It hasn’t been long… since your mother fell victim to such evil thing…… The world’s so indifferent. What kind of crime did your mother do… that she had to leave you alone in this world……….”
“…….”
However, although she had said this, in her eyes was a sign of contempt for me who had had run away. I thought like a machine.
“The night, where she was in the accident, she was immediately taken to the emergency room but… she didn’t last long and passed away. But that time, you haven’t been there, nor anyone suitable to contact, so I with some of your relatives held a simple funeral.”
“…….”
“As for the inheritance, your big aunt will be in charge of it. It hasn’t been long but……. Go find her. For your things, thinking you might return, I didn’t throw them away. You know the storage in the basement, right? If you go there, some of your things will probably be in there…….”
“…….”
“Then go.”
“…… Excuse me.”
As if she finally released her troublesome burden, she who was standing up lightheartedly, paused at my low whisper.
“Mother’s remains, where……”
“… Scattered at the crematory.”
“…….”
“Then.”
“… Wait.”
“……?”
She looked at me with a face saying what else was there.
“Mother’s funeral, when did you do it….”
“Ah…… Aaah. 27th January.”
“…….”
…… The day I have dreamed of my mother.
I thought feeling suffocated.
To prevent myself from falling down the steep basement stairs, I walked downstairs slowly. The smell of thick mould, along with the gradually increasing humidity and damp air, attacked my nostrils. But I couldn’t feel anything different whatever place it was I was in.
When I finally came down the stairs, I slowly pushed the iron gate that had become rusty and the metallic sound struck my ears. But I, of course, couldn’t feel anything. I only watched as the sunlight was permeating into the darkness of the storehouse, and just quietly walked inside.
I soon found my things piled randomly in a corner.
The school uniform and textbooks I had left behind. A bag.
The things that I needed to live in the reality.
I looked down at them blankly and fell on my knees which had slowly given in. While barely being able to move, I looked at my school uniform as I clutched it with strength in my trembling hands.
“…!”
Drip, drip.
Only then did tears fall on the back of my hands.
I was a little surprised.
“…….”
… I thought nothing had changed.
No, even now, nothing has changed.
The house where she lived was still here, the old gates were still here, the dirty storehouse was also here, and even the gloomy yard remained…….
All that had changed was that she was no longer here.
“Heuk…… heuheuk……”
Supressed sounds leaked out of my mouth.
She was gone. The fact that she was no longer here meant that there was no one who would call me by my name lovingly. It meant that there was no one in this world who needed the existence of Kang Hagil.
I was alone.
Even if I disappeared from this world, there wouldn’t be anyone who would mourn me anymore. Because the only one who would was now gone.
Her death meant this.
I buried my head into my school uniform and wailed loudly.
‘Let’s respect her happiness.’
‘If my happiness is her happiness, that’s also happiness. It’s not sacrifice.’
‘From now on, let’s show her a lot of my happy self. If that would atone even a little for abandoning her, it was enough for me.’
‘From now on, to her, let’s be more……’
The thoughts I had in his house crossed my mind vaguely, and I’ve come to my senses.
I must have cried myself to sleep. I had been squatting in the storehouse. I had been blanked out for a while and blinked several times to get my senses back. And I just sat there, unmoving.
“…….”
Something like ‘from now on’ no longer existed. I was foolish. She left forever with no chance of such happiness.
This fact would forever painfully pierce my heart.
At least, if I had returned home when I heard from the class president, maybe I could be there when she had passed away. No, even if not when she passed away, I could have at least attended her funeral.
Then she wouldn’t have left that lonely….
My heart stung with regret at the useless past. I sighed and packed quietly. And as I was about to leave the basement storehouse to keep on living, I stopped like I had gotten hit on the head.
… Where should I go?
Anxiety swallowed me. The hand holding my bag trembled. I clenched my fist as if my fingernails were embedded into my flesh.
‘Go to your big aunt.’
I recalled the landlady’s words but I knew better than anyone that I couldn’t go to her. She wouldn’t welcome me. She already had more than enough on her plate trying to live alone.
… Where to go?
‘Happy…….’
…… No. Don’t think of it. That had been a dream. It wasn’t the reality. It didn’t exist. I couldn’t go there as Kang Hagil. So don’t think about it.
‘You’re…… not Happy, but Hagil.’
Suddenly then, I remembered a voice faintly.
… Who was it?
Who was the one who called me like that?
‘Call me later if you have nowhere to go. I live alone, so taking care of one more person doesn’t matter.’
With a thud, the heavy sound of a bag dropping down resonated. I slowly lifted my trembling hand, and with a very slow motion, put my hand into my coat pocket.
Rustle.
A piece of paper got caught in my hand.
I ran madly in search of a payphone. Maybe because it was the generation where everyone used a handphone, it wasn’t easy to find one. I had to go into an apartment complex a little far away before I could barely find one.
I raised my still trembling hand, and slowly phoned the number on the paper. Trrrr-there came the cue sound. My heart thudded fiercely.
“… Hello?”
“…….”
And when the quiet voice of a man came through the phone after a long time, I couldn’t say anything as if I had been mute.
“Hello?”
He asked once again.
“Hello? Hey there? If you called me, say something.”
“…….”
“Goodness. Not even hanging up? If you called the wrong number, just say it. Or if that’s too troublesome, just hang it up.”
“…… Don’t… have….”
“What?”
“……… It’s… gone.”
“…?”
A voice mixed with crying came out of my mouth. It did come out of my mouth but it just didn’t seem like me at all.
And so I mumbled with difficulty in such a foreign voice, as if pleading him.
“The place where I can go is gone…….”
Picked Up In Winter <30>
-I returned.
The moment I saw that door, I realized it for the first time.
I came back home. I returned to reality. To the place where my mother is, I returned….
I stood still for a while and stared fixedly at the worn-out front gate. It wasn’t easy to gather courage and reach out.
Once I open that door, I will completely return to myself. I won’t be Happy anymore. I will be Kang Hagil. Kang Hagil, an existence that means completely nothing to him. From the moment I open that door….
“…….”
But she is in this house.
I whispered soothingly to myself, who was hesitating.
She is in this house. She who is the sweetest than anyone, and who will call me with a name that is not Happy. The one who desperately needs the existence of the <real me> is inside there.
I slowly moved my feet and stood in front of the door. It felt as if I was holding some sacred ceremony. I took a deep breath, stretched out my hand, and pushed the old gate.
Creaaak…… The rusty metal produced an annoying sound.
I went inside carefully. And slowly looked around the yard, my eyes entered the unchanging scene of the dark ambiance and warmth. When I saw that, for some reason I felt choked up, and so had to stand absentmindedly for a while.
Even without me, even if I left this place for a while, nothing has changed here. It still remained like this, waiting for me to come back.
I was somewhat overwhelmed by the thought.
I passed through the yard, approaching the brown doors which were nestled in the corner of the building. And stood in front of them for a moment, just looking at them.
This was the house where we have been living in for three years. It was a two-room apartment in which she worried about my studies and overexerted herself.
I pondered for a bit about what to do, then slowly raised my hand to knock on the door. Knock, knock… The wooden, brown door produced a low sound.
“…….”
But there was no reaction from inside. I knocked on the door one more time.
Knock, knock.
The door resounded again. Since it was early morning I thought that she may be still asleep. I was sorry to wake her up, who goes to bed late, but I had no choice. I knocked on the door with even more strength.
Bam, bam.
This time the doors shook with a pretty loud sound. And from inside came the sounds of a person moving around. It looks like she has woken up…! I took a deep breath, straightening my back. I imagined her expression of being deeply moved once she opens the door, and looks at me.
And when the slowly approaching footsteps finally stopped behind the door,
“Who… is… it?”
Like this,
A drowsy, as if just woken up, voice came out.
I widened my eyes.
That was not her voice.
“Who is it?”
When I didn’t answer, the voice from inside asked once again in a slight irritation. I widened my eyes and stared at the door from which came an unfamiliar voice I’ve never heard.
What is going on? Did I confuse the house?
Even though I knew that wasn’t possible, I tried hard to think like that.
Then, the door opened with a click.
“Who is it, fooling around at this ungodly hour……”
“…….”
A young woman, who was snippily mumbling, came out of the door. When she found me standing in front of the door with a blank expression, she immediately widened her eyes and shallowed down the end of her sentence.
“…….”
“…….”
We kept our mouths closed for a while and just looked at each other.
A long time later, she sized me up and down, and carefully started.
“That, who are… you?”
“…….”
But that was something I wanted to ask her.
At the totally unexpected happenings, the urgent last words of the school president, when I had visited the school, came to mind.
‘You, Your mother-…’
And then from inside came out another person.
“Dear……. What’s wrong? Who came?”
This time it was a young man. The man, wearing comfortable pants and a sleevless T-shirt, came to us scratching his head, looking like he has just woken up from sleep. And after he discovered me, looked suspicious and asked the woman.
“Who’s that?”
“Well, I also have no idea… Is it not someone you know?”
“Nope. I don’t know any kids at this age…… Who are you?”
The man asked with a blatant gaze of being on guard.
I felt unbearable confusion as I looked at him. Your mother, your mother, your mother……. Like an echo, only those words floated in my mind.
“Excuse me……?”
He frowned and asked again when he saw me standing weirdly with an expression as if my soul has escaped me. At that slightest of sounds, I came to myself and looked at him.
“Ah…….”
I let out a small sight without realizing.
“Excuse me, this place……”
“Yes?”
He replied in a sharp voice.
“Excuse me, the person living here before…… Where did they go?”
I managed to ask the following in a calm voice.
“Slightly older… woman… She used to live here…….”
“Ah, the person who lived here before? Of course, we don’t know. You should ask that to the owner of the house.”
“Ah…!”
The woman, who was standing next to him who has given an insignificant answer, opened her mouth as if she had remembered something.
“Wait… a bit. I did hear something from the landlady.”
“Yeah?”
“Before we came here, it seems like there used to live a mother and son1, but after the son ran away, the mother looked all over for him, when not long ago she died in a hit-and-run accident…….”
“……!”
Speaking until now, she looked me over with a doubtful look. But the moment I heard that, it got dark before my eyes, and I couldn’t see her properly.
She said, died. Died, she said…….
As if she was reading a passage from a textbook, the words that came out of her mouth so casually, not realizing the dreadfulness, I repeated them quietly. But it still didn’t feel real. What have I just heard?
With my head unable to keep up with the reality, with only the emotions going ahead, it soon got dark before my eyes and the ground seemed far away, my heart started pounding in my chest wildly.
“Could you be… that son……?!”
In the darkness, only her voice quietly resounded.
“After you had left, she went looking around every day…. Without a rest, as if she was out of her mind, you have no idea how desperate she was…….”
Being told this, I looked at her blankly.
She looked at me with a look full of sadness. But I listened to it as if it was somebody else’s business.
When they found out I was that <runaway son> of the <mother who died in a hit-and-run accident>, they knocked on the landlady’s door and took me there. And now here I am sitting face to face with her and listening silently.
“It hasn’t been long… since your mother fell victim to such evil thing…… The world’s so indifferent. What kind of crime did your mother do… that she had to leave you alone in this world……….”
“…….”
However, although she had said this, in her eyes was a sign of contempt for me who had had run away. I thought like a machine.
“The night, where she was in the accident, she was immediately taken to the emergency room but… she didn’t last long and passed away. But that time, you haven’t been there, nor anyone suitable to contact, so I with some of your relatives held a simple funeral.”
“…….”
“As for the inheritance, your big aunt will be in charge of it. It hasn’t been long but……. Go find her. For your things, thinking you might return, I didn’t throw them away. You know the storage in the basement, right? If you go there, some of your things will probably be in there…….”
“…….”
“Then go.”
“…… Excuse me.”
As if she finally released her troublesome burden, she who was standing up lightheartedly, paused at my low whisper.
“Mother’s remains, where……”
“… Scattered at the crematory.”
“…….”
“Then.”
“… Wait.”
“……?”
She looked at me with a face saying what else was there.
“Mother’s funeral, when did you do it….”
“Ah…… Aaah. 27th January.”
“…….”
…… The day I have dreamed of my mother.
I thought feeling suffocated.
To prevent myself from falling down the steep basement stairs, I walked downstairs slowly. The smell of thick mould, along with the gradually increasing humidity and damp air, attacked my nostrils. But I couldn’t feel anything different whatever place it was I was in.
When I finally came down the stairs, I slowly pushed the iron gate that had become rusty and the metallic sound struck my ears. But I, of course, couldn’t feel anything. I only watched as the sunlight was permeating into the darkness of the storehouse, and just quietly walked inside.
I soon found my things piled randomly in a corner.
The school uniform and textbooks I had left behind. A bag.
The things that I needed to live in the reality.
I looked down at them blankly and fell on my knees which had slowly given in. While barely being able to move, I looked at my school uniform as I clutched it with strength in my trembling hands.
“…!”
Drip, drip.
Only then did tears fall on the back of my hands.
I was a little surprised.
“…….”
… I thought nothing had changed.
No, even now, nothing has changed.
The house where she lived was still here, the old gates were still here, the dirty storehouse was also here, and even the gloomy yard remained…….
All that had changed was that she was no longer here.
“Heuk…… heuheuk……”
Supressed sounds leaked out of my mouth.
She was gone. The fact that she was no longer here meant that there was no one who would call me by my name lovingly. It meant that there was no one in this world who needed the existence of Kang Hagil.
I was alone.
Even if I disappeared from this world, there wouldn’t be anyone who would mourn me anymore. Because the only one who would was now gone.
Her death meant this.
I buried my head into my school uniform and wailed loudly.
‘Let’s respect her happiness.’
‘If my happiness is her happiness, that’s also happiness. It’s not sacrifice.’
‘From now on, let’s show her a lot of my happy self. If that would atone even a little for abandoning her, it was enough for me.’
‘From now on, to her, let’s be more……’
The thoughts I had in his house crossed my mind vaguely, and I’ve come to my senses.
I must have cried myself to sleep. I had been squatting in the storehouse. I had been blanked out for a while and blinked several times to get my senses back. And I just sat there, unmoving.
“…….”
Something like ‘from now on’ no longer existed. I was foolish. She left forever with no chance of such happiness.
This fact would forever painfully pierce my heart.
At least, if I had returned home when I heard from the class president, maybe I could be there when she had passed away. No, even if not when she passed away, I could have at least attended her funeral.
Then she wouldn’t have left that lonely….
My heart stung with regret at the useless past. I sighed and packed quietly. And as I was about to leave the basement storehouse to keep on living, I stopped like I had gotten hit on the head.
… Where should I go?
Anxiety swallowed me. The hand holding my bag trembled. I clenched my fist as if my fingernails were embedded into my flesh.
‘Go to your big aunt.’
I recalled the landlady’s words but I knew better than anyone that I couldn’t go to her. She wouldn’t welcome me. She already had more than enough on her plate trying to live alone.
… Where to go?
‘Happy…….’
…… No. Don’t think of it. That had been a dream. It wasn’t the reality. It didn’t exist. I couldn’t go there as Kang Hagil. So don’t think about it.
‘You’re…… not Happy, but Hagil.’
Suddenly then, I remembered a voice faintly.
… Who was it?
Who was the one who called me like that?
‘Call me later if you have nowhere to go. I live alone, so taking care of one more person doesn’t matter.’
With a thud, the heavy sound of a bag dropping down resonated. I slowly lifted my trembling hand, and with a very slow motion, put my hand into my coat pocket.
Rustle.
A piece of paper got caught in my hand.
I ran madly in search of a payphone. Maybe because it was the generation where everyone used a handphone, it wasn’t easy to find one. I had to go into an apartment complex a little far away before I could barely find one.
I raised my still trembling hand, and slowly phoned the number on the paper. Trrrr-there came the cue sound. My heart thudded fiercely.
“… Hello?”
“…….”
And when the quiet voice of a man came through the phone after a long time, I couldn’t say anything as if I had been mute.
“Hello?”
He asked once again.
“Hello? Hey there? If you called me, say something.”
“…….”
“Goodness. Not even hanging up? If you called the wrong number, just say it. Or if that’s too troublesome, just hang it up.”
“…… Don’t… have….”
“What?”
“……… It’s… gone.”
“…?”
A voice mixed with crying came out of my mouth. It did come out of my mouth but it just didn’t seem like me at all.
And so I mumbled with difficulty in such a foreign voice, as if pleading him.
“The place where I can go is gone…….”
