Picked Up In Winter <33> END (完)
After having returned home, I couldn’t keep calm the whole time. The gloomy voice of Dae Hyung, and Jun Hyung’s hollow eyes kept overlapping and haunting me. I tried to concentrate on something else, but it was futile.
‘Do something about hyung……’
I could again hear Dae Hyung’s desperation. I would rather turn a blind eye to it, though.
How am I supposed to…… what should I do……. How the hell should I help him…….
With a snap, my heart broke into pieces.
Should I return to him again? Should I go back to him and be Happy as before?
So… If I did that…….
Would he no longer have such an empty eyes then? Would he not make such a sad face anymore……?
“…….”
But just as I was thinking this.
Suddenly, there was another thing Dae Hyung had said that struck me.
‘These days, I can’t even see hyung’s face properly……!’
“……!”
I jumped up from my seat. Then Sangryeol, who was sitting in front of the computer, looked back at me, surprised. I quickly ran to the door with my outer clothes (in hand) as I grabbed them.
“Wait, wait a minute, Hagil-hyung! Where are you going now?”
Sangryeol asked me as he ran after me. Pulled to reality with his voice, I couldn’t help but to stop my feet that were about to step out of the porch.
“…… Sorry.”
“…?!”
With a tight voice, I opened my mouth.
I had my back turned toward him, so I couldn’t see what expression he was making…… but he would be probably looking very surprised…… I thought…….
I firmly clasped the handle of the front door, and mumbled once more, fully sincere.
“I’m sorry, Sangryeol…….”
“Hagil… hyung?!”
And like that, I ran outside.
‘These days, I can’t even see hyung’s face properly…!’
‘These days, I.’
‘These days…….’
I ran out to the dark streets and kept repeating in my head the words Dae Hyung had said this afternoon. He hadn’t seen him these days. Then that meant that lately he couldn’t see him.
But why……? Why couldn’t he see him?
When this question occurred to me, I thought that maybe…… he would still be waiting at that place.
Then my heart thumped relentlessly. I couldn’t just sit still anymore. And so I ran out of the house and was now blindly running to that place.
But that was impossible…! He couldn’t still be there!
As I ran, I laughed at my own thoughts and denied them.
I pretended to not know him when I ran into him again. I said that he mistook me for someone else, that I didn’t have such a name.
However, he also must have been aware that I hadn’t been someone else…….
As if he had gotten a blow, his eyes had turned hollow suddenly, and his heart was broken.
So he had no reason to go there anymore now. The reason why he’s been waiting there for me no longer existed…….
But I was running, thinking that maybe he was still there. Maybe he was still there waiting for me. I was running while believing that.
Haahaa, it was hard to breathe. I ran without a break to the place just like the first time. And when I have finally got to the end of the corner,
“…!”
I’ve seen the back of someone still there sitting and protecting the bench…….
“…….”
It was Jun Hyung.
Jun Hyung was still sitting there and waiting for me…….
“……!”
In that moment, my view grew uncontrollably blurry. Fat tears trickled down from my hot eyes. I moved my trembling legs, as I slowly, very slowly approached him.
I had always only watched on, hidden, as he sat here and waited for me. I’ve been always hiding and just watching.
However, today, for the first time, here in front of him, I was going to reveal myself…….
At last, as I came right up to him and as he had seen my tiptoes, he lifted his head, that had been bent down, puzzled.
“…!”
And when he discovered me, his eyes widened as if he couldn’t believe it.
“…….”
Facing his eyes, I couldn’t control the constant flow of tears. Slowly, I torn apart my unopened lips with difficulty and spoke to him.
“Why are you here… like this…….”
“…….”
“What are you doing here right now…….”
“…….”
Then the surprise on his face gradually subsided. He looked at me silently with a calm expression.
Eventually I couldn’t control the burst of tears and with a soft groan, I touched my forehead. After I left his house, it’s been just a sea of tears continuously, but I’ve never really cried this hard. My head was throbbing and I was not in my right mind… Now, tears clouded my vision so much that I couldn’t even make out what was going on.
He stared at me who was such a mess, then murmured in a low voice as if he was whispering.
“I was waiting…….”
“…….”
“To pick you up once again……”
“…….”
The voice that said so was too sweet. This was ridiculous. Cowardly. I looked at him through my tears. He kept staring at me in silence, then whispered again.
“I picked him up here last time.”
“…….”
“One day, he suddenly left me.”
“…….”
“And so, if I waited here, I had thought that he’d definitely come back……”
“…….”
“So I was always waiting. So that I could find him before anyone else, he can’t be picked up by anyone other than me.”
“Hic…….”
“I will definitely pick him up again…….”
“Hic, hic!”
I eventually couldn’t supress the sounds and let out a loud sobs. With both hands on my forehead, I kept crying loudly.
“…?”
But in that moment, a warm touch fell on my head and I raised my head. It was his hand. He just pulled me. And held me in his arms.
Hwaak, his body gave off his specifit odour. The heat of his warm chest touched my face. I reached out my hands and hugged his back tightly. Jun Hyung also embraced my head gently.
“Pick me up……”
I suddenly let out a mournful voice, as if begging.
“Pick me up, once again……”
Without you, I can’t be happy. I don’t mind anything now. A name or something, what does it matter? Why does it matter if I’m replacement for another being? It had been me that you’ve been waiting so long for, anyway. And the one you’re looking at right now, who you’re holding now, and who you’re whispering to…… is after all… me.
“…… I’ve been thinking.”
As I alone fell into my sentimental thoughts, his lips, which had been touching my hair, moved quietly.
“Why had he left me… I’ve always wondered.”
“…….”
“But he……”
“…….”
“Maybe the name I’ve given him was rather…… really quite not to his liking.”
“…?!”
“So much so that he would leave me because of it.”
“……?”
…… What…?
I opened my eyes wide with astonishment, still in his arms.
“So if I pick him again, I have to give him a new name… I’ve thought.”
“……?”
“But somebody told me that he already had a name.”
“……!”
“And so I will give him that name now… is what I was thinking.”
“?!”
“<Kang Hagil>…….”
“!!”
“Do you like it…?”
“…!”
Tears, feelings, were once again overflowing. I realized it at that moment.
Ahhhh…… To him, too, something like a name really didn’t matter.
That was not what was important.
All that mattered was the warmth in this hand.
Since I had to pack my things, we went back to Sangryeol’s house. Jun Hyung followed up to the front of the apartment, but he didn’t come inside. He stopped his steps at the stairs on the 1st floor, looked at me, and said ‘Go on.’ I simply nodded in silence and went up the stairs by myself.
“…….”
At long last, I reached the front door of his house. My heart was suffocated with guilt.
“…….”
Sangryeol, he’s been so kind to me. When I lost my place, when I was having such a hard time, he was the only person I could rely on.
However, I couldn’t have bothered him forever anyway. Leaving now, it might also be good for him. Thinking this, I opened the front door.
“…….”
Right at that moment, the scent of the strong cigarette smell attacked my nostrils.
I slowly entered the house, and closed the door. In front of the window in the room buried in the dense cigarette smoke stood Sangryeol.
He had his back turned to me, looking outside the window, smoking dully. Even though he knew I returned, he didn’t look back. His ashtray was full of butts.
When did he finish smoking so much? Could he have been smoking since I left?
I looked at his back as he was leaning sluggishly with his arm against the window, then took the bag with my things quietly.
“…… Are you leaving?”
Suddenly a low-pitched voice flew out, startling me. I stopped in the middle of opening my bag and looked at him again. He was still looking outside the window.
“…… Yeah.”
I hesitated, not sure how to respond, and then answered curtly.
“Okay…….”
He muttered in a calm voice.
I started packing my things again. A long silence followed. Even while I was packing, he kept smoking and looking out the window. In the middle of such quietness, only the sounds of me packing lingered for a long time and then eventually disappeared.
“…… I’m going.”
I said as I looked at his back, when I finally packed all my things. But he still didn’t turn around.
“Okay, take care.”
“…….”
…… Was he mad at me for doing as I pleased?
Or is it, that even if I have returned nothing would have changed, it may have not made any difference whether I was here or not.
Still, I was sorry to him. Still, I was grateful to him.
Once, even just once, it would have been nice if he turned to look this way. It would’ve been nice if he’d scold me harshly for being this wilful…….
“I was really… thankful.”
I spoke sincerely, looking at his back.
And it was when I bowed (to him in thanks), said my goodbyes, and walked straight towards the front door.
“……… Don’t go.”
That suddenly a sad voice……
Came from behind me.
I was startled and my feet halted, my eyes widening.
I slowly looked back. But all that came into my view was still his appearance from behind, sluggishly leaning.
“…….”
He again murmured.
“Take care.”
“…….”
And then I left that house.
When I finally came down to the 1st floor’s stairs, Jun Hyung, who had been looking up at the sky dyed in darkness, turned to me. I went to his side without a word. Then, Jun Hyung took some of the luggage I was carrying from my hands. We walked slowly along the dark alley wordlessly, just as we had done when we first entered his house.
The wind was still a little chilly. It was faint, but the branches were still covered in white.
Yes…… It was still winter…….
The season he and I met. The season in which he picked me up.
It was still winter.
Picked Up In Winter <33> END (完)
After having returned home, I couldn’t keep calm the whole time. The gloomy voice of Dae Hyung, and Jun Hyung’s hollow eyes kept overlapping and haunting me. I tried to concentrate on something else, but it was futile.
‘Do something about hyung……’
I could again hear Dae Hyung’s desperation. I would rather turn a blind eye to it, though.
How am I supposed to…… what should I do……. How the hell should I help him…….
With a snap, my heart broke into pieces.
Should I return to him again? Should I go back to him and be Happy as before?
So… If I did that…….
Would he no longer have such an empty eyes then? Would he not make such a sad face anymore……?
“…….”
But just as I was thinking this.
Suddenly, there was another thing Dae Hyung had said that struck me.
‘These days, I can’t even see hyung’s face properly……!’
“……!”
I jumped up from my seat. Then Sangryeol, who was sitting in front of the computer, looked back at me, surprised. I quickly ran to the door with my outer clothes (in hand) as I grabbed them.
“Wait, wait a minute, Hagil-hyung! Where are you going now?”
Sangryeol asked me as he ran after me. Pulled to reality with his voice, I couldn’t help but to stop my feet that were about to step out of the porch.
“…… Sorry.”
“…?!”
With a tight voice, I opened my mouth.
I had my back turned toward him, so I couldn’t see what expression he was making…… but he would be probably looking very surprised…… I thought…….
I firmly clasped the handle of the front door, and mumbled once more, fully sincere.
“I’m sorry, Sangryeol…….”
“Hagil… hyung?!”
And like that, I ran outside.
‘These days, I can’t even see hyung’s face properly…!’
‘These days, I.’
‘These days…….’
I ran out to the dark streets and kept repeating in my head the words Dae Hyung had said this afternoon. He hadn’t seen him these days. Then that meant that lately he couldn’t see him.
But why……? Why couldn’t he see him?
When this question occurred to me, I thought that maybe…… he would still be waiting at that place.
Then my heart thumped relentlessly. I couldn’t just sit still anymore. And so I ran out of the house and was now blindly running to that place.
But that was impossible…! He couldn’t still be there!
As I ran, I laughed at my own thoughts and denied them.
I pretended to not know him when I ran into him again. I said that he mistook me for someone else, that I didn’t have such a name.
However, he also must have been aware that I hadn’t been someone else…….
As if he had gotten a blow, his eyes had turned hollow suddenly, and his heart was broken.
So he had no reason to go there anymore now. The reason why he’s been waiting there for me no longer existed…….
But I was running, thinking that maybe he was still there. Maybe he was still there waiting for me. I was running while believing that.
Haahaa, it was hard to breathe. I ran without a break to the place just like the first time. And when I have finally got to the end of the corner,
“…!”
I’ve seen the back of someone still there sitting and protecting the bench…….
“…….”
It was Jun Hyung.
Jun Hyung was still sitting there and waiting for me…….
“……!”
In that moment, my view grew uncontrollably blurry. Fat tears trickled down from my hot eyes. I moved my trembling legs, as I slowly, very slowly approached him.
I had always only watched on, hidden, as he sat here and waited for me. I’ve been always hiding and just watching.
However, today, for the first time, here in front of him, I was going to reveal myself…….
At last, as I came right up to him and as he had seen my tiptoes, he lifted his head, that had been bent down, puzzled.
“…!”
And when he discovered me, his eyes widened as if he couldn’t believe it.
“…….”
Facing his eyes, I couldn’t control the constant flow of tears. Slowly, I torn apart my unopened lips with difficulty and spoke to him.
“Why are you here… like this…….”
“…….”
“What are you doing here right now…….”
“…….”
Then the surprise on his face gradually subsided. He looked at me silently with a calm expression.
Eventually I couldn’t control the burst of tears and with a soft groan, I touched my forehead. After I left his house, it’s been just a sea of tears continuously, but I’ve never really cried this hard. My head was throbbing and I was not in my right mind… Now, tears clouded my vision so much that I couldn’t even make out what was going on.
He stared at me who was such a mess, then murmured in a low voice as if he was whispering.
“I was waiting…….”
“…….”
“To pick you up once again……”
“…….”
The voice that said so was too sweet. This was ridiculous. Cowardly. I looked at him through my tears. He kept staring at me in silence, then whispered again.
“I picked him up here last time.”
“…….”
“One day, he suddenly left me.”
“…….”
“And so, if I waited here, I had thought that he’d definitely come back……”
“…….”
“So I was always waiting. So that I could find him before anyone else, he can’t be picked up by anyone other than me.”
“Hic…….”
“I will definitely pick him up again…….”
“Hic, hic!”
I eventually couldn’t supress the sounds and let out a loud sobs. With both hands on my forehead, I kept crying loudly.
“…?”
But in that moment, a warm touch fell on my head and I raised my head. It was his hand. He just pulled me. And held me in his arms.
Hwaak, his body gave off his specifit odour. The heat of his warm chest touched my face. I reached out my hands and hugged his back tightly. Jun Hyung also embraced my head gently.
“Pick me up……”
I suddenly let out a mournful voice, as if begging.
“Pick me up, once again……”
Without you, I can’t be happy. I don’t mind anything now. A name or something, what does it matter? Why does it matter if I’m replacement for another being? It had been me that you’ve been waiting so long for, anyway. And the one you’re looking at right now, who you’re holding now, and who you’re whispering to…… is after all… me.
“…… I’ve been thinking.”
As I alone fell into my sentimental thoughts, his lips, which had been touching my hair, moved quietly.
“Why had he left me… I’ve always wondered.”
“…….”
“But he……”
“…….”
“Maybe the name I’ve given him was rather…… really quite not to his liking.”
“…?!”
“So much so that he would leave me because of it.”
“……?”
…… What…?
I opened my eyes wide with astonishment, still in his arms.
“So if I pick him again, I have to give him a new name… I’ve thought.”
“……?”
“But somebody told me that he already had a name.”
“……!”
“And so I will give him that name now… is what I was thinking.”
“?!”
“<Kang Hagil>…….”
“!!”
“Do you like it…?”
“…!”
Tears, feelings, were once again overflowing. I realized it at that moment.
Ahhhh…… To him, too, something like a name really didn’t matter.
That was not what was important.
All that mattered was the warmth in this hand.
Since I had to pack my things, we went back to Sangryeol’s house. Jun Hyung followed up to the front of the apartment, but he didn’t come inside. He stopped his steps at the stairs on the 1st floor, looked at me, and said ‘Go on.’ I simply nodded in silence and went up the stairs by myself.
“…….”
At long last, I reached the front door of his house. My heart was suffocated with guilt.
“…….”
Sangryeol, he’s been so kind to me. When I lost my place, when I was having such a hard time, he was the only person I could rely on.
However, I couldn’t have bothered him forever anyway. Leaving now, it might also be good for him. Thinking this, I opened the front door.
“…….”
Right at that moment, the scent of the strong cigarette smell attacked my nostrils.
I slowly entered the house, and closed the door. In front of the window in the room buried in the dense cigarette smoke stood Sangryeol.
He had his back turned to me, looking outside the window, smoking dully. Even though he knew I returned, he didn’t look back. His ashtray was full of butts.
When did he finish smoking so much? Could he have been smoking since I left?
I looked at his back as he was leaning sluggishly with his arm against the window, then took the bag with my things quietly.
“…… Are you leaving?”
Suddenly a low-pitched voice flew out, startling me. I stopped in the middle of opening my bag and looked at him again. He was still looking outside the window.
“…… Yeah.”
I hesitated, not sure how to respond, and then answered curtly.
“Okay…….”
He muttered in a calm voice.
I started packing my things again. A long silence followed. Even while I was packing, he kept smoking and looking out the window. In the middle of such quietness, only the sounds of me packing lingered for a long time and then eventually disappeared.
“…… I’m going.”
I said as I looked at his back, when I finally packed all my things. But he still didn’t turn around.
“Okay, take care.”
“…….”
…… Was he mad at me for doing as I pleased?
Or is it, that even if I have returned nothing would have changed, it may have not made any difference whether I was here or not.
Still, I was sorry to him. Still, I was grateful to him.
Once, even just once, it would have been nice if he turned to look this way. It would’ve been nice if he’d scold me harshly for being this wilful…….
“I was really… thankful.”
I spoke sincerely, looking at his back.
And it was when I bowed (to him in thanks), said my goodbyes, and walked straight towards the front door.
“……… Don’t go.”
That suddenly a sad voice……
Came from behind me.
I was startled and my feet halted, my eyes widening.
I slowly looked back. But all that came into my view was still his appearance from behind, sluggishly leaning.
“…….”
He again murmured.
“Take care.”
“…….”
And then I left that house.
When I finally came down to the 1st floor’s stairs, Jun Hyung, who had been looking up at the sky dyed in darkness, turned to me. I went to his side without a word. Then, Jun Hyung took some of the luggage I was carrying from my hands. We walked slowly along the dark alley wordlessly, just as we had done when we first entered his house.
The wind was still a little chilly. It was faint, but the branches were still covered in white.
Yes…… It was still winter…….
The season he and I met. The season in which he picked me up.
It was still winter.
