Chapter 74
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[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Exhales ] Eye of the tiger, Bart. Eye of the-- [ Grunts ] - I stopped it. - And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha. [ Blows Whistle ] Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate Nelson! - [Scattered Clapping] - Thanks, Dad! Told ya. [Car Approaching] - [ Tires Screech ] - Come on, Bart. We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie. It's called Barton Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him. Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way. [ Applause On TV] - [Door Closes] - [ Chuckling ] What'd you say, Marge? - [Thunder Rumbling] - [ Moans ] That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. [ Singing Pop ] [Singing Stops] [Thunderclap] Wha-- [ Grunts ] Dad, where are you? [ Announcer] Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? [ Shivering ] This isn't funny! Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip. " "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! [TV Announcer] After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr. Hmm. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something. [Crowd On TV] Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - [ Belching ] Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? [ Thinking ] Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? [ Snoring ] [ Tires Screech ] Bart? Bart! [ Gasps ] Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - [Ned]Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. - Shutup, Flanders. Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? [ Air Hissing ] [Tires Screeching] Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry. Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that. [ Scary Voice ] Now, how 'bout a hug? - [Krusty On TV]Hello, New York. - [Audience Cheering] When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" [ Laughing ] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! [ Man Coughing ] Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. [ Sighs ] We'll be right back. [ Blues ] I miss Joe Piscopo. - [ Man ] Lost your dad? - Uh-huh. - He's not coming back, is he? - He might. No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help. Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father. [ Announcer] And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. - Hah? Hah? - [ Man In Audience Coughing ] [ Groans ] This goes on for 1 2 more minutes. So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier. I've been saving someone special for a case like yours. [ Tires Screech ] [ Gasping ] - Bart Simpson? - Yo. I'm Tom. Let's ride. Ohh. Bart's dad has really pulled himself together. - Bart's not mad at me. - He called you a bad father. Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good. " And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. - Permit me to demonstrate. - No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [ Crying ] It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya. No, no. Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline. " - Wasn't me. - [ Gasps ] Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. [ Giggling ] Bobby Sherman. [ Groans ] - ####["Charge'"] - [ Chattering ] [ All ] Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand. - Nineteen. - Hit me. - Twenty. - Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- [Man On P. A. ] The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. - [Crowd Jeering] - Boo! [ Sighs ] This is better than dart day. Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes. If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book. Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons. " [ Chuckles ] [ Man ] Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4. 95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - [ Sighs ] - allegory, Montessori. [ Straining ] Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads. [ Slurping ] This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. [ Whirring ] Hey-- [ Grunting ] He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you. Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup. Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. Uh, I have a horsie. [ Imitates Neighing ] Wuss! [Grampa] Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em. We'll show 'em all! [ Laughing ] [ Snoring ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Dialing, Ringing ] Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic. - Have a good time. - [Door Slamming] - Hey-- Wait a minute. Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle. - Yes, Principal Skinner. Now, I gotta slash So long [ Mumbles ] science. - Ah, music and art. - [ Beeping ] - What in blazes? - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Rings ] - Good Lord! That's a 900 number. [ Corey] Let's see what's in the newspaper today. - [ Paper Rustling ] - Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact. - [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] Hey, look at that forest fire down there. - Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more. Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't. No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing. Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand. So, that's it! [ Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching ] Hello, son. - Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. - I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? [ Gulps ] Oh-ho. You'll see. And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? [ Thinking ] Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? [ Thinking ] That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. [ Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming ] Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson. Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake. Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour. [Door Closes] [ Whimpering, Sniffing ] I'll take him. Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time. If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever. -[Lisa] Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa. I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- - [Crow Cawing] - watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - [ Groans ] I think we should go. - Uh-huh. [Sirens Blaring In Distance] [ Snoring ] [ Chuckling ] just like Oscar the Grouch. - Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now. - Ow. Your son Bart sounds very bad. Oh, he is. Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Shut up! Mmm. Grapefruit. [ Slurps ] I just press this button and the door opens like magic. - Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! [ Shouting ] Well, I'd better Get you home. - What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. [ Laughs ] "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd. " I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. - Pepi. - Pepi. [ Thinking ] Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight. [ Ringing ] - [ Ticking ] - [ Needles Clicking ] [Noises Intensify] Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me. Oh, come on. Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa. You tried your best. [ Operator] At the tone, the time will be [ Beeps ] I made it. [ Theme ] [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] [ Growling ] Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi. - Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization. Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were. Come on, Bart. We had our fun. Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it. - [ Gasps ] Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad. Higher. - "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad. " - Hey, stop that. - "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - [ Snorts ] No. [Dolphin Twittering] - Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. - [ Twitters ] Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. Whoo! [ Laughing ] Stupid dolphin. - [ Chirps ] - You g-- Hey! Hey! [ Grunting ] - [ Twittering ] - [ Grunts ] He got my hot dog! - [Grunting] - Uh-oh. Better not let him see me. What the-- Oh, it's you. [ Clicks Tongue ] So, you're looking well. Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be? [ Grunts ] Hi-yah! [ Shouting ] Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. - Where? [Grunting] There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so. - Let's roll. This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I. P. Freely. L-- [ Groans ] [Blow Landing] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunting ] [ Shouting ] [Glass Shattering] [Homer Groaning] - Uh, Homer? - [ Grunting ] Oh, right. [Grunts] [ Both Grunting, Shouting ] [Yelling] - [ Bones Cracking ] - This is even more painful than it looks. This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. - Well, good-bye. - Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son. Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? [ Chuckling ] Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. -And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs. - Yeah? -Step on his neck. - Yeah? -And run like hell. -[Both Laughing] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!
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[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Exhales ] Eye of the tiger, Bart. Eye of the-- [ Grunts ] - I stopped it. - And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha. [ Blows Whistle ] Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate Nelson! - [Scattered Clapping] - Thanks, Dad! Told ya. [Car Approaching] - [ Tires Screech ] - Come on, Bart. We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie. It's called Barton Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him. Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way. [ Applause On TV] - [Door Closes] - [ Chuckling ] What'd you say, Marge? - [Thunder Rumbling] - [ Moans ] That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. [ Singing Pop ] [Singing Stops] [Thunderclap] Wha-- [ Grunts ] Dad, where are you? [ Announcer] Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? [ Shivering ] This isn't funny! Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip. " "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! [TV Announcer] After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr. Hmm. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something. [Crowd On TV] Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - [ Belching ] Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? [ Thinking ] Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? [ Snoring ] [ Tires Screech ] Bart? Bart! [ Gasps ] Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - [Ned]Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. - Shutup, Flanders. Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? [ Air Hissing ] [Tires Screeching] Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry. Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that. [ Scary Voice ] Now, how 'bout a hug? - [Krusty On TV]Hello, New York. - [Audience Cheering] When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" [ Laughing ] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! [ Man Coughing ] Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. [ Sighs ] We'll be right back. [ Blues ] I miss Joe Piscopo. - [ Man ] Lost your dad? - Uh-huh. - He's not coming back, is he? - He might. No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help. Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father. [ Announcer] And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. - Hah? Hah? - [ Man In Audience Coughing ] [ Groans ] This goes on for 1 2 more minutes. So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier. I've been saving someone special for a case like yours. [ Tires Screech ] [ Gasping ] - Bart Simpson? - Yo. I'm Tom. Let's ride. Ohh. Bart's dad has really pulled himself together. - Bart's not mad at me. - He called you a bad father. Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good. " And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. - Permit me to demonstrate. - No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [ Crying ] It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya. No, no. Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline. " - Wasn't me. - [ Gasps ] Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. [ Giggling ] Bobby Sherman. [ Groans ] - ####["Charge'"] - [ Chattering ] [ All ] Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand. - Nineteen. - Hit me. - Twenty. - Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- [Man On P. A. ] The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. - [Crowd Jeering] - Boo! [ Sighs ] This is better than dart day. Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes. If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book. Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons. " [ Chuckles ] [ Man ] Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4. 95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - [ Sighs ] - allegory, Montessori. [ Straining ] Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads. [ Slurping ] This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. [ Whirring ] Hey-- [ Grunting ] He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you. Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup. Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. Uh, I have a horsie. [ Imitates Neighing ] Wuss! [Grampa] Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em. We'll show 'em all! [ Laughing ] [ Snoring ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Dialing, Ringing ] Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic. - Have a good time. - [Door Slamming] - Hey-- Wait a minute. Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle. - Yes, Principal Skinner. Now, I gotta slash So long [ Mumbles ] science. - Ah, music and art. - [ Beeping ] - What in blazes? - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Rings ] - Good Lord! That's a 900 number. [ Corey] Let's see what's in the newspaper today. - [ Paper Rustling ] - Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact. - [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] Hey, look at that forest fire down there. - Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more. Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't. No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing. Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand. So, that's it! [ Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching ] Hello, son. - Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. - I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? [ Gulps ] Oh-ho. You'll see. And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? [ Thinking ] Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? [ Thinking ] That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. [ Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming ] Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson. Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake. Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour. [Door Closes] [ Whimpering, Sniffing ] I'll take him. Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time. If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever. -[Lisa] Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa. I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- - [Crow Cawing] - watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - [ Groans ] I think we should go. - Uh-huh. [Sirens Blaring In Distance] [ Snoring ] [ Chuckling ] just like Oscar the Grouch. - Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now. - Ow. Your son Bart sounds very bad. Oh, he is. Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Shut up! Mmm. Grapefruit. [ Slurps ] I just press this button and the door opens like magic. - Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! [ Shouting ] Well, I'd better Get you home. - What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. [ Laughs ] "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd. " I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. - Pepi. - Pepi. [ Thinking ] Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight. [ Ringing ] - [ Ticking ] - [ Needles Clicking ] [Noises Intensify] Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me. Oh, come on. Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa. You tried your best. [ Operator] At the tone, the time will be [ Beeps ] I made it. [ Theme ] [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] [ Growling ] Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi. - Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization. Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were. Come on, Bart. We had our fun. Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it. - [ Gasps ] Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad. Higher. - "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad. " - Hey, stop that. - "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - [ Snorts ] No. [Dolphin Twittering] - Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. - [ Twitters ] Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. Whoo! [ Laughing ] Stupid dolphin. - [ Chirps ] - You g-- Hey! Hey! [ Grunting ] - [ Twittering ] - [ Grunts ] He got my hot dog! - [Grunting] - Uh-oh. Better not let him see me. What the-- Oh, it's you. [ Clicks Tongue ] So, you're looking well. Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be? [ Grunts ] Hi-yah! [ Shouting ] Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. - Where? [Grunting] There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so. - Let's roll. This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I. P. Freely. L-- [ Groans ] [Blow Landing] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunting ] [ Shouting ] [Glass Shattering] [Homer Groaning] - Uh, Homer? - [ Grunting ] Oh, right. [Grunts] [ Both Grunting, Shouting ] [Yelling] - [ Bones Cracking ] - This is even more painful than it looks. This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. - Well, good-bye. - Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son. Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? [ Chuckling ] Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. -And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs. - Yeah? -Step on his neck. - Yeah? -And run like hell. -[Both Laughing] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!
Chorus ## The Simpsons ## Bell Ringing Whistle Blowing Beeping Jazzy Solo Tires Screeching D'oh! Screams Exhales Eye of the tiger, Bart. Eye of the-- Grunts - I stopped it. - And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha. Blows Whistle Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate Nelson! - Scattered Clapping - Thanks, Dad! Told ya. Car Approaching - Tires Screech - Come on, Bart. We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie. It's called Barton Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him. Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - Tires Screeching - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way. Applause On TV - Door Closes - Chuckling What'd you say, Marge? - Thunder Rumbling - Moans That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. Singing Pop Singing Stops Thunderclap Wha-- Grunts Dad, where are you? Announcer Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? Shivering This isn't funny! Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip. " "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! TV Announcer After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr. Hmm. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something. Crowd On TV Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - Belching Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Thinking Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? Snoring Tires Screech Bart? Bart! Gasps Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - NedHey, Homie! I can see your doodle. - Shutup, Flanders. Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? Air Hissing Tires Screeching Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry. Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that. Scary Voice Now, how 'bout a hug? - Krusty On TVHello, New York. - Audience Cheering When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" Laughing I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! Man Coughing Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. Sighs We'll be right back. Blues I miss Joe Piscopo. - Man Lost your dad? - Uh-huh. - He's not coming back, is he? - He might. No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help. Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father. Announcer And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. - Hah? Hah? - Man In Audience Coughing Groans This goes on for 1 2 more minutes. So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier. I've been saving someone special for a case like yours. Tires Screech Gasping - Bart Simpson? - Yo. I'm Tom. Let's ride. Ohh. Bart's dad has really pulled himself together. - Bart's not mad at me. - He called you a bad father. Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good. " And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. - Permit me to demonstrate. - No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! Crying It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya. No, no. Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline. " - Wasn't me. - Gasps Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Giggling Bobby Sherman. Groans - ####"Charge'" - Chattering All Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand. - Nineteen. - Hit me. - Twenty. - Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- Man On P. A. The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. - Crowd Jeering - Boo! Sighs This is better than dart day. Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes. If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book. Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons. " Chuckles Man Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4. 95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - Sighs - allegory, Montessori. Straining Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads. Slurping This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. Whirring Hey-- Grunting He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you. Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup. Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. Uh, I have a horsie. Imitates Neighing Wuss! Grampa Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em. We'll show 'em all! Laughing Snoring - Gasps - Dialing, Ringing Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic. - Have a good time. - Door Slamming - Hey-- Wait a minute. Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle. - Yes, Principal Skinner. Now, I gotta slash So long Mumbles science. - Ah, music and art. - Beeping - What in blazes? - Beeping Continues - Rings - Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Corey Let's see what's in the newspaper today. - Paper Rustling - Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact. - Clicks - Gasps Hey, look at that forest fire down there. - Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more. Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't. No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing. Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand. So, that's it! Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching Hello, son. - Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. - I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? Gulps Oh-ho. You'll see. And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? Thinking Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? Thinking That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson. Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake. Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour. Door Closes Whimpering, Sniffing I'll take him. Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time. If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever. -Lisa Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa. I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- - Crow Cawing - watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - Groans I think we should go. - Uh-huh. Sirens Blaring In Distance Snoring Chuckling just like Oscar the Grouch. - Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now. - Ow. Your son Bart sounds very bad. Oh, he is. Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Shut up! Mmm. Grapefruit. Slurps I just press this button and the door opens like magic. - Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! Shouting Well, I'd better Get you home. - What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. Laughs "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd. " I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. - Pepi. - Pepi. Thinking Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight. Ringing - Ticking - Needles Clicking Noises Intensify Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me. Oh, come on. Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa. You tried your best. Operator At the tone, the time will be Beeps I made it. Theme Groaning Screams Growling Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi. - Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization. Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were. Come on, Bart. We had our fun. Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it. - Gasps Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad. Higher. - "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad. " - Hey, stop that. - "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - Snorts No. Dolphin Twittering - Whoo! Laughing Come and get it. - Twitters Whoo! Laughing Come and get it. Whoo! Laughing Stupid dolphin. - Chirps - You g-- Hey! Hey! Grunting - Twittering - Grunts He got my hot dog! - Grunting - Uh-oh. Better not let him see me. What the-- Oh, it's you. Clicks Tongue So, you're looking well. Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be? Grunts Hi-yah! Shouting Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. - Where? Grunting There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so. - Let's roll. This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I. P. Freely. L-- Groans Blow Landing - Grunts - Grunting Shouting Glass Shattering Homer Groaning - Uh, Homer? - Grunting Oh, right. Grunts Both Grunting, Shouting Yelling - Bones Cracking - This is even more painful than it looks. This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. - Well, good-bye. - Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son. Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Chuckling Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. -And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs. - Yeah? -Step on his neck. - Yeah? -And run like hell. -Both Laughing - People Chattering - Shh!
