Hirosue was so busy at work, he thought he might have to come into the office during the weekend―it was thanks to Hayama that he managed to get Saturday and Sunday off. On the Friday before the trip, however, Hirosue worked extra overtime so he wouldn’t leave any work unfinished. By the time he got home to his apartment, it was two in the morning.
On the day of their one-night trip to the hot springs, Matsuoka came to pick him up by car. Matsuoka arrived right on time, true to his punctual nature. Hirosue rubbed his sleepy eyes and left his apartment with his bag in hand.
Matsuoka was wearing a simple outfit of a fitted long-sleeve shirt with khaki-coloured pants. They were the kind of clothes you’d see anywhere, but it was strange how fashionable they looked just because Matsuoka was wearing them. Hirosue looked at his own outfit of corduroy pants and a thick wool shirt. He had taken care to choose the nicer articles among his casual clothes, but now he felt embarrassed at how incredibly unfashionable they looked. Matsuoka doesn’t say anything, but I bet he doesn’t think I have very good fashion sense, he thought, beating himself up over the most trivial of matters.
The radio was playing in the car. Matsuoka had told him to bring some CDs along if he had any, since the ride would be a lengthy one. But Hirosue wasn’t very interested in music, and he hadn’t bought a CD in years.
The hot spring resort was accessible by highway, which could get them there in about two hours. Matsuoka, however, faithfully kept to the regular roads, perhaps as a courtesy to Hirosue who wasn’t comfortable with cars and high speeds. Hirosue assured him he was fine with taking the highway, but Matsuoka only smiled and said he wanted to take his time driving.
Hirosue knew that staying awake was the least he could do to be polite, since he was already making Matsuoka drive by himself for a long period of time. But the repetitive scenery, warm car, and his lack of sleep the night before made an unfortunate combination. Hirosue was soon overtaken by a powerful drowsiness. His eyelids drooped even while he spoke.
He fought back against his sleepiness a number of times until he finally gave in and fell right into the clutches of sleep. He woke up from a slight lurch. It looked like they were at a red light, for the car was not moving.
“Darn it,” Hirosue clicked his tongue quietly.
“What? What’s wrong?” Matsuoka turned around and asked.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to nod off.”
“Don’t worry. You can go back to sleep.”
“But you’ve been driving the whole time.”
“It’s okay. Driving is how I let off steam. You worked late yesterday, right?”
“Well,” Hirosue said, raking the back of his head. He looked at Matsuoka’s face. “Did I tell you I was working late yesterday?”
“No. ―When I phoned Hayama yesterday, the topic turned to you, and she said it seemed like you were staying behind really late.”
“Oh. I see.”
Matsuoka and Hayama knew each other for longer than Hirosue knew them. It was no surprise if they kept in touch regularly.
“Hayama said she’s really glad you’re at Koishikawa,” Matsuoka said. “She said it can get pretty tough when it’s so busy and she can’t get along with the head clerk, but she said she feels comforted when she talks to you. I asked her if it’s awkward working with her ex-boyfriend, but she says it isn’t at all. Is that usually the way it is?”
Hirosue chuckled. “I felt a little awkward when I first heard she was being transferred over. But as for Ms. Hayama, she seemed to be totally over it. No hard feelings at all. I guess it’s because she’s getting married.”
“Uh-huh,” Matsuoka grunted in reply. “Hayama said you two talk a lot.”
“We’re the only two in the office apart from the head clerk,” Hirosue explained. “Most of the time, it’s more like me listening to her talk. It was like that when we were dating. Right now, half of what we talk about is work, and the other half is about her fiancé.”
“Isn’t that, like, hard for you?”
“Hard?”
Matsuoka threw a glance at him. “Having to listen to your former girlfriend talk about her current fiancé.”
Hirosue shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me. I only dated Ms. Hayama for a short time, and even then we were more like friends than a couple.”
“You don’t have any attachments or anything?”
No, Hirosue tried to say, then remembered his conversation with Hayama when he bumped into her at the department store. “After we broke up, I did wonder what it would have been like if I got married to her. In conclusion, she was right not to have ended up with me.”
She had done the right thing by not choosing the kind of man who would get laid off. Hirosue meant it as a self-derogatory joke, but there was no way Matsuoka could understand it, since he had no idea.
“Marriage is pretty important to you, huh, Hirosue.” Matsuoka’s tone was decisive.
“Why would you think so?”
After a slight pause, Matsuoka spoke. “Because with Yoko Eto, you started talking about marriage pretty early.”
“Well, that,” Hirosue said with a smile, “wasn’t so much about marriage itself. I just wanted to make her mine as soon as possible. I thought marriage might be the fastest way to achieve that.”
Even now, his heart contracted painfully when he thought about Yoko Eto―even if he knew that the man sitting in the driver’s seat beside him was the same person. Their conversation lapsed for a little after that, and the car radio filled the silence between them until they entered the hot springs region.
The inn that Matsuoka had arranged for them was a traditional Japanese ryokan in the outskirts of the hot springs. Contrary to the few hotel-style inns they had spotted in the heart of the hot springs, the inn Matsuoka had chosen was old but well-maintained. It was reminiscent of the good days of the past, and the word “rustic” described it perfectly. Its old wooden doors and dark, glossy moss-covered cobblestone also lent to its mood. Hirosue preferred these types of buildings over the modern, sleek kind.
They were greeted at the door with reverence in true ryokan fashion, and were shown to their room. The tatami-floored room was spacious, and Hirosue was overjoyed when he opened the window and saw a small garden and a pond outside, all fenced in by bamboo.
Hirosue stared absently out the window while sipping the tea that the parlourmaid had poured for them. The tatami flooring and tokonoma alcove in the room almost tricked him into thinking he was back at his house in the country. Although it was his first time here, it didn’t quite feel like it. Hirosue felt all the muscles in his body release their unnecessary tension.
Matsuoka was sitting on the floor cushion with his legs flung out. When he saw Hirosue lie down on the tatami, he also rolled over onto his back beside him. Their eyes met at ground-level, and that was enough to make them laugh. Matsuoka rolled over onto his stomach and inched closer to Hirosue.
“You know, I feel like I’m the kind of adult that people tell you not to become.” Matsuoka’s face was grave.
“Why?”
“Because we just got to the inn and I’m already lazing around.”
“That’s what this place is for, to take away your exhaustion from everyday life. You’re doing it right.”
“I guess I am,” Matsuoka murmured with such a serious expression on his face that Hirosue burst out laughing.
“What’re you laughing at?” Matsuoka said, jutting out his lip this time. His expression reminded Hirosue of his nephew, and he reached out to stroke the sullen man’s head.
“If you’re feeling restless because you’re not doing anything, it’s probably a sign that you work too much, Matsuoka. You can forget about work for today and tomorrow. Let’s relax.”
Matsuoka’s short hair was softer than he’d imagined. Matsuoka’s face gradually reddened as Hirosue continued to stroke his head, and the man buried his face in the floor cushion as if to hide it.
“What’s wrong?”
“…I’m not a kid, you know.” His voice was muffled against the floor cushion.
“I know. But it’s cute. ―When you get sullen, you remind me of my nephew.”
Matsuoka’s blush spread to his ears. When Hirosue humorously gave the man’s ear a light pinch, he felt the heat on his fingertips.
“I said stop…” Matsuoka mumbled weakly in protest, his voice at once submissive and inviting. His face was hidden. It was only his voice, yet its unexpectedly sensual tone threw Hirosue off guard. Agitated, he quickly withdrew his fingers. He was the one feeling embarrassed now.
It was warm inside the room, and the tatami felt comfortable, the silence was just right. After a few small yawns, Hirosue fell asleep before he even knew it.
He woke up to the sound of footsteps crossing back and forth in the hallway. He felt a presence right beside him. A gentle pair of eyes was looking down on him. That tranquil expression reminded him of someone―oh, Ms. Yoko. They really are the same person, he realized, albeit a little late.
Hirosue rubbed his eyes vigorously.
“Sorry. I fell asleep again,” he apologized. Matsuoka laughed.
“It wasn’t for that long. Maybe about twenty minutes.”
His heart fluttered uncomfortably as they stared at each other. The sensation unsettled him, and Hirosue sprung up with momentum, shaking his head lightly.
“Wanna go take a bath or something?” Hirosue asked. He thought he saw Matsuoka’s shoulders twitch slightly at his question.
“Um. Sure.”
“I want to soak in the outdoor bath, but it looks pretty cold outside, huh?”
“It should be fine. The website said it’s right by the indoor baths, so you don’t have to walk much.”
“Oh, I see.”
As Hirosue pulled his change of clothes out of his bag, a voice spoke up behind him.
“Want me to wait ‘til you get out?”
“We can just go together. Why?” When Hirosue turned around, Matsuoka studied him carefully.
“―You won’t be disturbed going in with me?”
Hirosue felt a flash of guilt at the man’s knowing eyes. He vividly recalled the night of his birthday when he had pushed Matsuoka away. He hadn’t felt any resistance towards the kiss itself. Like last time, he’d probably be fine as long as he didn’t feel anything overly “male” against his skin. But―
“I won’t be disturbed,” Hirosue answered decisively, but the end of his sentence wavered uncertainly. He suddenly lost his confidence as anxiety reared its head inside him. What would he think when he saw Matsuoka naked? Would he just see it as a man’s body, or would it induce some emotion kind of emotion in him―repulsion or something else? He hadn’t the faintest idea.
Matsuoka was smiling in an uncertain way.
“I’ll take a bit of a break before I head over. Go ahead, Hirosue. I’ll come after you later.” Matsuoka casually suggested they bathe separately, as if to sense Hirosue’s hesitation. Hirosue didn’t have the courage to insist they go together. He went on ahead to the hot springs, feeling a little guilty all the while.
It was a small inn, and since it was the middle of the day, the men’s bath was deserted. The bath itself was spacious, and there were seven washing stations. On the whole, it was of an orthodox design, and the dark-green tiles gave off a retro feel.
Hirosue quickly washed his body and eagerly sank into the bath. It was slightly on the hot side, and it felt nice. The water was a milky-white hue, slightly slippery to the touch, and smelled of sulphur.
Although he was concerned about Matsuoka, he admitted he was also simply happy to have the hot spring all to himself. He swam around inside the bath, since no one was around to tell him off. It was a modest but unparalleled luxury.
He went through the door on the right side of the washing stations to find an outdoor bath built with stone. It was well-aged with an air of rustic beauty. There was an exhilaration that came from the open air, and since there were no high fences around, the view was spectacular. He could see the entire town below. In the car, he had noticed they were going up quite far into the mountains. Now that he was looking down from the top, he realized just how high they had come.
Hirosue savoured his solitude in the soothing bathwater and beautiful scenery. There was nothing like undisturbed bliss, but once he got used to that, he felt a strong urge to talk to someone. He wanted to share this scenery and the comfort of this hot spring with someone. Matsuoka didn’t have to go out of his way for me. He should have just come,he thought insensitively.
Hirosue returned to the indoor bath and soaked in the water again. The water inside felt slightly hotter than the outdoor bath. The door to the change room slid open with a rattle. He thought it was Matsuoka, but it was a pair of two men around fifty who came in. Was Matsuoka planning not to come until he got out? The thought had just crossed his mind when Matsuoka finally appeared.
When he saw Hirosue, he raised his right hand lightly in acknowledgement before sitting at the washing station. He was thin. Hirosue had always thought the man was slim, but once he was without clothes and in his bare skin, his thinness was almost painfully stark. ―Hirosue had taken that body for his once, but he didn’t feel like he did. He had been drunk, and he barely remembered what had happened that night. If he had remembered, he would probably feel unbearably uncomfortable at seeing Matsuoka’s bare flesh in the open like this.
Matsuoka carefully washed his slender arms and legs before slipping inside the bath. He was a little far away, so Hirosue half-swam closer to him.
“That took you long.”
Matsuoka hunched his shoulders. “Not to be like you, but I kind of fell asleep,” he murmured, then covered his mouth and gave a small yawn. His exposed throat was white, and a faint tinge of colour was in his cheeks.
“The temperature’s perfect, isn’t it?” he said. “Have you gone to the outdoor bath yet?”
“Yeah. The view was really nice.”
“It said on the Internet that the outdoor bath is pretty good, too. But it looks cold outside. I think I’ll warm up here a little before I go.”
Matsuoka’s hand-towel sat folded on his head, as he stared up at the ceiling and emitted a short, blissful sigh.
“Hot springs are great. I feel all my tiredness floating away.”
“You’re certainly right about that,” Hirosue agreed. “Matsuoka, are things hectic for you around this time, too?”
“You mean at work? Sales is always bogged down at the end of the fiscal year, so it’s nothing new. Why?”
“You look like you’ve gotten thinner.”
There was a splash as the towel fell from Matsuoka’s head into the water. Matsuoka scooped it up hastily and was wringing it outside the edge of the bath. His neck and his face went from pink to red as if dipped in dye.
“What’s wrong?”
“Wh―What do you mean?” Matsuoka pressed his towel to his face.
“Are you not feeling very well? Your face is red.”
Matsuoka lowered his face and fell silent. He was acting odd.
“Did you look?” he asked in a small, hoarse voice.
“Look at what?”
“You know…” Matsuoka mumbled. It was then that Hirosue finally realized that he was talking about his naked body. He hadn’t meant it to be sexual, but he found himself getting embarrassed anyway.
“I didn’t stare or anything. I just saw a little when you were washing.” But it was still true that he had looked. “I’m sorry,” he apologized.
Matsuoka propped his chin on the edge of the bath and looked down. “I’m a bit dizzy from soaking too long,” he murmured.
“Are you alright?”
When Hirosue touched his shoulder, Matsuoka flinched so violently that he felt taken aback. Startled at the man’s reaction, Hirosue quickly withdrew his hand.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“I’m going to get out. You should stay behind and relax, Hirosue.” Matsuoka got out of the bath and left, barely minutes since he had come in to soak. Hirosue was ridden with shame as if he’d just sexually harassed someone. He had thought nothing about looking at Matsuoka’s naked body, since they were both men. But for Matsuoka, who loved him, perhaps being seen naked carried a special kind of meaning.
Hirosue also got out of the bath soon afterwards, but Matsuoka was not in the change room. He was probably back in their room. Hirosue wasn’t sure how he ought to act once he got back. He wanted to go back to their room, but he couldn’t; he spent thirty minutes in the change room struggling with his dilemma. After agonizing for a good while, he bought a can of juice as a token of apology and returned to the room.
Matsuoka was staring absently out the window in a long-sleeve shirt and jeans.
“Oh. Welcome back.” The blush had receded from his face, and his expression had returned back to normal.
“Sorry about that back there… this is for you.” When Hirosue offered him the juice, Matsuoka smiled wryly.
“I should be sorry for saying strange stuff like that.”
No, no, I should be sorry. No really, I should be―they continued to apologize to each other until they both realized how strange it was, and they caught each other’s eye and dissolved into laughter. Hirosue was relieved; he had feared spending the whole day together until tomorrow in awkwardness, but everything seemed fine now.
“Oh, I ran into the parlourmaid on the way back from the bath, and she told me there’s a lookout point a short climb up the mountain behind this place. Apparently the view is really nice. Want to go for a hike?”
Since they had no other plans, Hirosue agreed to Matsuoka’s invitation and trailed behind him. The parlourmaid had called it a short climb, but the slope was steep and the path was quite long. The trail was also only wide enough for one man―it was an animal trail of sorts. The mountain trail seemed to pose no challenge to Matsuoka, who walked extensively outside on a daily basis as a part of his work. He pressed on ahead with enthusiasm. But Hirosue, who mainly did seat work, was out of breath in minutes.
“Short break?” Matsuoka suggested.
Hirosue nodded without a split second of hesitation. They sat down on the path. The mountains were misty in the distance.
“Pretty steep slope, isn’t it?” Matsuoka commented, though he looked unfazed.
“I think I need to put on some muscle,” Hirosue admitted. Matsuoka had a five year advantage over him in age, but that didn’t make his lack of strength any less embarrassing.
“Actually, I have a friend who started going to a gym to put on some muscle, and he got pretty buff in a month. You could see the difference.”
“A gym, huh,” Hirosue echoed.
“Want to start going together? I’ll look out for some good places. Maybe a location we can drop in on the way home from work.”
Hirosue admitted he was interested. A gym was intimidating to go to alone, but he’d feel reassured if Matsuoka were to come with him. If he was still working, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but he wasn’t keen on joining a gym when he was unemployed. There was the risk that he would run out of money for monthly membership payments.
“I think I’ll pass on the gym after all.”
“Oh,” Matsuoka said. For a split second, he looked crestfallen, but he grinned and said, “If you ever feel like it again, let me know.”
Something fluttered down from above. Hirosue looked up at the sky. It was snow. The signs were there: it had been cold, and he had noticed the thick grey clouds covering the sky. But he hadn’t expected it to actually snow when they were well into March.
The snow drifted straight downwards in the absence of a breeze. Matsuoka turned his face up and opened his mouth wide. He clamped it shut, then opened it again. A long, long time ago, Hirosue had done the same thing as a boy in primary school, unable to contain his joy at the falling snow. Matsuoka’s usually so mature and proper. I guess he has a childish side, too, Hirosue thought as he gazed at the man’s profile making the same repeated motions.
“Does snow taste good?”
Matsuoka’s cheeks suddenly flushed as he closed his mouth.
“It doesn’t taste like anything. It’s just cold.”
Hirosue imitated him and tried a taste of the snow. Before he could even detect it on his tongue, the fizzy sensation disappeared.
“―You look like a carp in a pond waiting for food. It looks pretty idiotic,” Matsuoka murmured.
“You started doing the carp thing,” Hirosue retorted.
“Well, yeah. But you know what they say. Learn wisdom by the folly of others―something like that.”
“You’re one to talk, Head Honcho Carp.”
Matsuoka narrowed his eyes and laughed.
“It looks like it’s gonna get colder, so let’s hurry and climb the rest,” he said, pointing up the path.
After their break, they resumed climbing at a brisk pace for a while, but Hirosue began to tire partway through, just as he expected. He was climbing with his back bent when a right hand was silently extended in front of him. Matsuoka was offering to pull him along by the hand.
“It’s okay. We only have a little bit more to go,” Hirosue said.
“I’ll make things fair and take a handicap for our five-year age difference.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hirosue said indignantly.
Hirosue was unsure of what to do, but since Matsuoka was being cheeky by talking about age difference and handicaps, he decided to take the man’s hand to make things difficult for him. Although Matsuoka’s hand was smaller than his, the man himself was strong; he yanked Hirosue along powerfully. Contrary to Hirosue’s initial intent, he ended up depending on Matusoka’s help a great deal until they reached the lookout point.
They emerged upon a stretch of land that was flat and spacious despite its elevated area in the mountains. It had space enough for two houses, and perhaps there had actually been houses there, for there were large stones on the ground that looked like crumbled foundations.
The scenery below was worth the effort they had made to climb up the steep slope. In the distance, the mountains lay covered in mist, enveloping the valleys below. Occasional patches of young, tender green were already visible in the mountains, bringing with them the reminders of spring. It felt strange to see the snow fall on such a scene.
Hirosue absently gazed at the stunning scenery. He could feel trembling―Matsuoka’s trembling―through their linked fingers. That was when he finally noticed they were still holding hands from climbing up the mountain.
“Are you cold?”
“Oh. No. Just getting a thrill.”
“Really, now,” Hirosue said jokingly. “Want to borrow my coat?”
“Oh, no. I’m fine. Besides, you’ll be cold without it.”
Matsuoka’s hand left his as he hugged his shoulders. Hirosue couldn’t stand watching the man’s shivering frame―so slender compared to his own―so he took off his coat and draped it over Matsuoka’s back.
“It’s chilly out here. Want to start heading back?” he asked.
Matsuoka nodded silently, still wearing Hirosue’s coat over his shoulders. Walking downhill was easier, so Hirosue walked ahead.
“I think I’m going to take a bath again when we get back,” Hirosue said, his breath coming out in a puff of white.
“Me, too. I didn’t get to try the outdoor bath last time.”
Remembering their awkward interaction in the bath, Hirosue spoke up first. “You should go first this time, Matsuoka. I’ll go in afterwards.” There was no answer from Matsuoka, and Hirosue assumed his silence meant he agreed. That was when he heard a voice speak up behind him.
“I don’t mind going together.”
Hirosue turned around. His feet stopped. Matsuoka also stopped.
“But back there―”
“I actually did get dizzy from being in the water too long. If you’re fine with it, Hirosue, so am I. Besides, you probably want to take a bath right away after we get back, don’t you?”
“Uh… yeah.”
I thought he didn’t like being seen naked, Hirosue thought, but if he’s okay with bathing together, maybe he doesn’t mind all too much. The more he thought, the less sense he could make of it. What was going on inside Matsuoka’s mind? How did he feel about it?
On second thought, there was no big deal about two men bathing together. Hirosue had felt none of the repulsion he had feared upon seeing Matsuoka’s naked body. He had only thought the man was very thin. Besides, if you thought about it, Matsuoka’s body was the same as his; they had the same parts. There was nothing to feel repulsed about.
“I wonder if we can bring a sake bottle into the bath,” Hirosue suddenly murmured.
“What? Are you serious?” Matsuoka said, his eyes wide.
“Why not? Snow-gazing over sake in an open-air bath―it would be the best. Let’s do it.”
“Am I part of this, too?”
“It’d be no fun by myself, would it?”
“Oh, fine,” Matsuoka grumbled. “We’re probably not allowed unless it’s a private bath, but let’s try asking,” he said nevertheless, hunching his shoulders.
Alcohol was not allowed to be brought into the outdoor bath, they were told. But even without sake, there was nothing quite like bathing outdoors during snowfall. Hirosue and Matsuoka warmed their bodies frozen from the hike while they chatted endlessly about trivial things. Evening darkened to night while they soaked in the outdoor bath, and their hands and feet turned shrivelled like those of old men.
Their dinner was luxurious, and Hirosue could see why Matsuoka had been enthusiastic to give it a try. The delicious food encouraged them to drink more. If he got drunk, he only had to go to the next room to sleep; the reassurance made Hirosue drink sake as well as beer. The drink warmed him until he felt hot, and against the better advice of Matsuoka, he opened the window and snow-gazed while drinking sake, fancying himself doing what they hadn’t been able to do in the outdoor bath. Not even five minutes later, he began shivering from the cold.
“I told you so,” Matsuoka had said, laughing at him.
He found enjoyment in every little thing. Hirosue was heartily glad that he had come on this trip. Although he had gone on the occasional spontaneous trip by himself, this was his first time going away with someone else, apart from school or company trips. He hadn’t imagined that a trip with someone else could be so fun―no matter if all they had done was merely soak endlessly in the bath and climb endlessly up a mountain path.
They ate and drank until they were full to bursting, and moved to the next room to sleep. Their futons were laid out neatly for them, and when Hirosue slid into his, it enveloped his whole body with warm comfort.
Matsuoka turned on the paper lantern stand and turned off the room lights.
“Oh, are you going to sleep? Want me to turn this off, too?”
“You can keep it on,” Hirosue said, seeing Matsuoka reach towards the light switch. He was sleepy, but not sleepy. He still wanted to stay up and talk.
“Thanks for everything today,” he said.
“What’s this, all of a sudden?” Matsuoka turned his face towards him, hugging his pillow in the next futon over.
“Reserving the inn and stuff. And you drove the whole way here.”
“I enjoy driving.”
Hirosue rolled over and looked up at the wood-panel ceiling. His house back in the country also had a wood-panelled ceiling which was stained in some places. When he was younger, the stains used to frighten him because they looked ghosts, and he would pull his futon over his head when he went to sleep. It was funny when he thought about it now.
“Hirosue.”
He turned his head to see Matsuoka gazing at him solemnly.
“Are you having fun?”
“You mean the trip?”
Matsuoka nodded on his side.
“How about you, Matsuoka?”
After a slight pause, Matsuoka said, “I’m having fun.”
“Then, I’ll say I’m having lots of fun.”
“Then, I’m having lots and lots of fun,” Matsuoka fought back.
“You’re acting like a kid,” Hirosue teased, and Matsuoka flushed beneath his eyes and buried his face into his pillow. After spending a lot of time with this man, Hirosue came to realize something. Matsuoka had an unusually childish side to him, one you could never imagine from how he looked in his suit.
“But it’s true that I’m having fun,” Matsuoka mumbled. Their conversation lapsed after his last utterance. It was quiet inside the room, but not in the awkward way. Hirosue’s heart was warm with the afterglow of enjoyment. But once this trip was over, reality was waiting for him. He would have to face a staggering load of work and the reality of leaving work at the end of March. As for the quitting part, there was not much to face; he had more or less resigned himself to his fate. The problem now was that he didn’t have a new job yet.
The job search took the biggest toll on him―mentally, more than physically. When refusals came in succession, they depressed his spirits further and convinced him that he was truly worthless. If I was going to be rejected anyway, he would think, I shouldn’t have submitted my CV in the first place. I shouldn’t have gone in for an interview at all.But he knew things didn’t quite work like that.
“Maybe I’ll go back to the country,” he muttered to the wood-panelled ceiling.
“Go back? Like, during the holidays?” said a voice beside him. Matsuoka was still awake.
“No, not like that. I meant maybe I should just go back to the country for good.”
Matsuoka fell silent.
“I’m just kidding, though,” Hirosue added. He could not go back. There were no jobs back home, realistically speaking. And he was not going to fall back under the care of his parents at this age.
“Is your hometown far away, Hirosue?”
“It’s in an inconvenient place, so it takes two hours by bullet train from Tokyo, then about forty minutes on the local line.”
“It’s a town on the harbour, right?”
“Yeah. Their seafood is great. My family back home runs a business that handles processed fish products. My parents are still doing well, but my older brother and his wife have taken over the business from them.”
“I’d like to go there once.”
“Sure, but there’s nothing to see. ―Your hometown is in Tokyo, right?”
“In the suburbs.”
“Do you ever go back home?”
“Not really. My younger brother just got married last year and they’re living at home. I only go back during Obon and the new year.”
Hirosue’s consciousness gradually faded while they talked, and before he knew it, it was morning. They took a morning bath and ate a luxurious breakfast fit for kings. After checking out, they took a leisurely stroll around the area of the inn before heading home.
Hirosue enjoyed his trip so much, he would give it full points. Matsuoka was a lot less talkative on the way home, but Hirosue figured he was tired from driving by himself, and did not try to force a conversation with him.
Hirosue was so busy at work, he thought he might have to come into the office during the weekend―it was thanks to Hayama that he managed to get Saturday and Sunday off. On the Friday before the trip, however, Hirosue worked extra overtime so he wouldn’t leave any work unfinished. By the time he got home to his apartment, it was two in the morning.
On the day of their one-night trip to the hot springs, Matsuoka came to pick him up by car. Matsuoka arrived right on time, true to his punctual nature. Hirosue rubbed his sleepy eyes and left his apartment with his bag in hand.
Matsuoka was wearing a simple outfit of a fitted long-sleeve shirt with khaki-coloured pants. They were the kind of clothes you’d see anywhere, but it was strange how fashionable they looked just because Matsuoka was wearing them. Hirosue looked at his own outfit of corduroy pants and a thick wool shirt. He had taken care to choose the nicer articles among his casual clothes, but now he felt embarrassed at how incredibly unfashionable they looked. Matsuoka doesn’t say anything, but I bet he doesn’t think I have very good fashion sense, he thought, beating himself up over the most trivial of matters.
The radio was playing in the car. Matsuoka had told him to bring some CDs along if he had any, since the ride would be a lengthy one. But Hirosue wasn’t very interested in music, and he hadn’t bought a CD in years.
The hot spring resort was accessible by highway, which could get them there in about two hours. Matsuoka, however, faithfully kept to the regular roads, perhaps as a courtesy to Hirosue who wasn’t comfortable with cars and high speeds. Hirosue assured him he was fine with taking the highway, but Matsuoka only smiled and said he wanted to take his time driving.
Hirosue knew that staying awake was the least he could do to be polite, since he was already making Matsuoka drive by himself for a long period of time. But the repetitive scenery, warm car, and his lack of sleep the night before made an unfortunate combination. Hirosue was soon overtaken by a powerful drowsiness. His eyelids drooped even while he spoke.
He fought back against his sleepiness a number of times until he finally gave in and fell right into the clutches of sleep. He woke up from a slight lurch. It looked like they were at a red light, for the car was not moving.
“Darn it,” Hirosue clicked his tongue quietly.
“What? What’s wrong?” Matsuoka turned around and asked.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to nod off.”
“Don’t worry. You can go back to sleep.”
“But you’ve been driving the whole time.”
“It’s okay. Driving is how I let off steam. You worked late yesterday, right?”
“Well,” Hirosue said, raking the back of his head. He looked at Matsuoka’s face. “Did I tell you I was working late yesterday?”
“No. ―When I phoned Hayama yesterday, the topic turned to you, and she said it seemed like you were staying behind really late.”
“Oh. I see.”
Matsuoka and Hayama knew each other for longer than Hirosue knew them. It was no surprise if they kept in touch regularly.
“Hayama said she’s really glad you’re at Koishikawa,” Matsuoka said. “She said it can get pretty tough when it’s so busy and she can’t get along with the head clerk, but she said she feels comforted when she talks to you. I asked her if it’s awkward working with her ex-boyfriend, but she says it isn’t at all. Is that usually the way it is?”
Hirosue chuckled. “I felt a little awkward when I first heard she was being transferred over. But as for Ms. Hayama, she seemed to be totally over it. No hard feelings at all. I guess it’s because she’s getting married.”
“Uh-huh,” Matsuoka grunted in reply. “Hayama said you two talk a lot.”
“We’re the only two in the office apart from the head clerk,” Hirosue explained. “Most of the time, it’s more like me listening to her talk. It was like that when we were dating. Right now, half of what we talk about is work, and the other half is about her fiancé.”
“Isn’t that, like, hard for you?”
“Hard?”
Matsuoka threw a glance at him. “Having to listen to your former girlfriend talk about her current fiancé.”
Hirosue shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me. I only dated Ms. Hayama for a short time, and even then we were more like friends than a couple.”
“You don’t have any attachments or anything?”
No, Hirosue tried to say, then remembered his conversation with Hayama when he bumped into her at the department store. “After we broke up, I did wonder what it would have been like if I got married to her. In conclusion, she was right not to have ended up with me.”
She had done the right thing by not choosing the kind of man who would get laid off. Hirosue meant it as a self-derogatory joke, but there was no way Matsuoka could understand it, since he had no idea.
“Marriage is pretty important to you, huh, Hirosue.” Matsuoka’s tone was decisive.
“Why would you think so?”
After a slight pause, Matsuoka spoke. “Because with Yoko Eto, you started talking about marriage pretty early.”
“Well, that,” Hirosue said with a smile, “wasn’t so much about marriage itself. I just wanted to make her mine as soon as possible. I thought marriage might be the fastest way to achieve that.”
Even now, his heart contracted painfully when he thought about Yoko Eto―even if he knew that the man sitting in the driver’s seat beside him was the same person. Their conversation lapsed for a little after that, and the car radio filled the silence between them until they entered the hot springs region.
The inn that Matsuoka had arranged for them was a traditional Japanese ryokan in the outskirts of the hot springs. Contrary to the few hotel-style inns they had spotted in the heart of the hot springs, the inn Matsuoka had chosen was old but well-maintained. It was reminiscent of the good days of the past, and the word “rustic” described it perfectly. Its old wooden doors and dark, glossy moss-covered cobblestone also lent to its mood. Hirosue preferred these types of buildings over the modern, sleek kind.
They were greeted at the door with reverence in true ryokan fashion, and were shown to their room. The tatami-floored room was spacious, and Hirosue was overjoyed when he opened the window and saw a small garden and a pond outside, all fenced in by bamboo.
Hirosue stared absently out the window while sipping the tea that the parlourmaid had poured for them. The tatami flooring and tokonoma alcove in the room almost tricked him into thinking he was back at his house in the country. Although it was his first time here, it didn’t quite feel like it. Hirosue felt all the muscles in his body release their unnecessary tension.
Matsuoka was sitting on the floor cushion with his legs flung out. When he saw Hirosue lie down on the tatami, he also rolled over onto his back beside him. Their eyes met at ground-level, and that was enough to make them laugh. Matsuoka rolled over onto his stomach and inched closer to Hirosue.
“You know, I feel like I’m the kind of adult that people tell you not to become.” Matsuoka’s face was grave.
“Why?”
“Because we just got to the inn and I’m already lazing around.”
“That’s what this place is for, to take away your exhaustion from everyday life. You’re doing it right.”
“I guess I am,” Matsuoka murmured with such a serious expression on his face that Hirosue burst out laughing.
“What’re you laughing at?” Matsuoka said, jutting out his lip this time. His expression reminded Hirosue of his nephew, and he reached out to stroke the sullen man’s head.
“If you’re feeling restless because you’re not doing anything, it’s probably a sign that you work too much, Matsuoka. You can forget about work for today and tomorrow. Let’s relax.”
Matsuoka’s short hair was softer than he’d imagined. Matsuoka’s face gradually reddened as Hirosue continued to stroke his head, and the man buried his face in the floor cushion as if to hide it.
“What’s wrong?”
“…I’m not a kid, you know.” His voice was muffled against the floor cushion.
“I know. But it’s cute. ―When you get sullen, you remind me of my nephew.”
Matsuoka’s blush spread to his ears. When Hirosue humorously gave the man’s ear a light pinch, he felt the heat on his fingertips.
“I said stop…” Matsuoka mumbled weakly in protest, his voice at once submissive and inviting. His face was hidden. It was only his voice, yet its unexpectedly sensual tone threw Hirosue off guard. Agitated, he quickly withdrew his fingers. He was the one feeling embarrassed now.
It was warm inside the room, and the tatami felt comfortable, the silence was just right. After a few small yawns, Hirosue fell asleep before he even knew it.
He woke up to the sound of footsteps crossing back and forth in the hallway. He felt a presence right beside him. A gentle pair of eyes was looking down on him. That tranquil expression reminded him of someone―oh, Ms. Yoko. They really are the same person, he realized, albeit a little late.
Hirosue rubbed his eyes vigorously.
“Sorry. I fell asleep again,” he apologized. Matsuoka laughed.
“It wasn’t for that long. Maybe about twenty minutes.”
His heart fluttered uncomfortably as they stared at each other. The sensation unsettled him, and Hirosue sprung up with momentum, shaking his head lightly.
“Wanna go take a bath or something?” Hirosue asked. He thought he saw Matsuoka’s shoulders twitch slightly at his question.
“Um. Sure.”
“I want to soak in the outdoor bath, but it looks pretty cold outside, huh?”
“It should be fine. The website said it’s right by the indoor baths, so you don’t have to walk much.”
“Oh, I see.”
As Hirosue pulled his change of clothes out of his bag, a voice spoke up behind him.
“Want me to wait ‘til you get out?”
“We can just go together. Why?” When Hirosue turned around, Matsuoka studied him carefully.
“―You won’t be disturbed going in with me?”
Hirosue felt a flash of guilt at the man’s knowing eyes. He vividly recalled the night of his birthday when he had pushed Matsuoka away. He hadn’t felt any resistance towards the kiss itself. Like last time, he’d probably be fine as long as he didn’t feel anything overly “male” against his skin. But―
“I won’t be disturbed,” Hirosue answered decisively, but the end of his sentence wavered uncertainly. He suddenly lost his confidence as anxiety reared its head inside him. What would he think when he saw Matsuoka naked? Would he just see it as a man’s body, or would it induce some emotion kind of emotion in him―repulsion or something else? He hadn’t the faintest idea.
Matsuoka was smiling in an uncertain way.
“I’ll take a bit of a break before I head over. Go ahead, Hirosue. I’ll come after you later.” Matsuoka casually suggested they bathe separately, as if to sense Hirosue’s hesitation. Hirosue didn’t have the courage to insist they go together. He went on ahead to the hot springs, feeling a little guilty all the while.
It was a small inn, and since it was the middle of the day, the men’s bath was deserted. The bath itself was spacious, and there were seven washing stations. On the whole, it was of an orthodox design, and the dark-green tiles gave off a retro feel.
Hirosue quickly washed his body and eagerly sank into the bath. It was slightly on the hot side, and it felt nice. The water was a milky-white hue, slightly slippery to the touch, and smelled of sulphur.
Although he was concerned about Matsuoka, he admitted he was also simply happy to have the hot spring all to himself. He swam around inside the bath, since no one was around to tell him off. It was a modest but unparalleled luxury.
He went through the door on the right side of the washing stations to find an outdoor bath built with stone. It was well-aged with an air of rustic beauty. There was an exhilaration that came from the open air, and since there were no high fences around, the view was spectacular. He could see the entire town below. In the car, he had noticed they were going up quite far into the mountains. Now that he was looking down from the top, he realized just how high they had come.
Hirosue savoured his solitude in the soothing bathwater and beautiful scenery. There was nothing like undisturbed bliss, but once he got used to that, he felt a strong urge to talk to someone. He wanted to share this scenery and the comfort of this hot spring with someone. Matsuoka didn’t have to go out of his way for me. He should have just come,he thought insensitively.
Hirosue returned to the indoor bath and soaked in the water again. The water inside felt slightly hotter than the outdoor bath. The door to the change room slid open with a rattle. He thought it was Matsuoka, but it was a pair of two men around fifty who came in. Was Matsuoka planning not to come until he got out? The thought had just crossed his mind when Matsuoka finally appeared.
When he saw Hirosue, he raised his right hand lightly in acknowledgement before sitting at the washing station. He was thin. Hirosue had always thought the man was slim, but once he was without clothes and in his bare skin, his thinness was almost painfully stark. ―Hirosue had taken that body for his once, but he didn’t feel like he did. He had been drunk, and he barely remembered what had happened that night. If he had remembered, he would probably feel unbearably uncomfortable at seeing Matsuoka’s bare flesh in the open like this.
Matsuoka carefully washed his slender arms and legs before slipping inside the bath. He was a little far away, so Hirosue half-swam closer to him.
“That took you long.”
Matsuoka hunched his shoulders. “Not to be like you, but I kind of fell asleep,” he murmured, then covered his mouth and gave a small yawn. His exposed throat was white, and a faint tinge of colour was in his cheeks.
“The temperature’s perfect, isn’t it?” he said. “Have you gone to the outdoor bath yet?”
“Yeah. The view was really nice.”
“It said on the Internet that the outdoor bath is pretty good, too. But it looks cold outside. I think I’ll warm up here a little before I go.”
Matsuoka’s hand-towel sat folded on his head, as he stared up at the ceiling and emitted a short, blissful sigh.
“Hot springs are great. I feel all my tiredness floating away.”
“You’re certainly right about that,” Hirosue agreed. “Matsuoka, are things hectic for you around this time, too?”
“You mean at work? Sales is always bogged down at the end of the fiscal year, so it’s nothing new. Why?”
“You look like you’ve gotten thinner.”
There was a splash as the towel fell from Matsuoka’s head into the water. Matsuoka scooped it up hastily and was wringing it outside the edge of the bath. His neck and his face went from pink to red as if dipped in dye.
“What’s wrong?”
“Wh―What do you mean?” Matsuoka pressed his towel to his face.
“Are you not feeling very well? Your face is red.”
Matsuoka lowered his face and fell silent. He was acting odd.
“Did you look?” he asked in a small, hoarse voice.
“Look at what?”
“You know…” Matsuoka mumbled. It was then that Hirosue finally realized that he was talking about his naked body. He hadn’t meant it to be sexual, but he found himself getting embarrassed anyway.
“I didn’t stare or anything. I just saw a little when you were washing.” But it was still true that he had looked. “I’m sorry,” he apologized.
Matsuoka propped his chin on the edge of the bath and looked down. “I’m a bit dizzy from soaking too long,” he murmured.
“Are you alright?”
When Hirosue touched his shoulder, Matsuoka flinched so violently that he felt taken aback. Startled at the man’s reaction, Hirosue quickly withdrew his hand.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“I’m going to get out. You should stay behind and relax, Hirosue.” Matsuoka got out of the bath and left, barely minutes since he had come in to soak. Hirosue was ridden with shame as if he’d just sexually harassed someone. He had thought nothing about looking at Matsuoka’s naked body, since they were both men. But for Matsuoka, who loved him, perhaps being seen naked carried a special kind of meaning.
Hirosue also got out of the bath soon afterwards, but Matsuoka was not in the change room. He was probably back in their room. Hirosue wasn’t sure how he ought to act once he got back. He wanted to go back to their room, but he couldn’t; he spent thirty minutes in the change room struggling with his dilemma. After agonizing for a good while, he bought a can of juice as a token of apology and returned to the room.
Matsuoka was staring absently out the window in a long-sleeve shirt and jeans.
“Oh. Welcome back.” The blush had receded from his face, and his expression had returned back to normal.
“Sorry about that back there… this is for you.” When Hirosue offered him the juice, Matsuoka smiled wryly.
“I should be sorry for saying strange stuff like that.”
No, no, I should be sorry. No really, I should be―they continued to apologize to each other until they both realized how strange it was, and they caught each other’s eye and dissolved into laughter. Hirosue was relieved; he had feared spending the whole day together until tomorrow in awkwardness, but everything seemed fine now.
“Oh, I ran into the parlourmaid on the way back from the bath, and she told me there’s a lookout point a short climb up the mountain behind this place. Apparently the view is really nice. Want to go for a hike?”
Since they had no other plans, Hirosue agreed to Matsuoka’s invitation and trailed behind him. The parlourmaid had called it a short climb, but the slope was steep and the path was quite long. The trail was also only wide enough for one man―it was an animal trail of sorts. The mountain trail seemed to pose no challenge to Matsuoka, who walked extensively outside on a daily basis as a part of his work. He pressed on ahead with enthusiasm. But Hirosue, who mainly did seat work, was out of breath in minutes.
“Short break?” Matsuoka suggested.
Hirosue nodded without a split second of hesitation. They sat down on the path. The mountains were misty in the distance.
“Pretty steep slope, isn’t it?” Matsuoka commented, though he looked unfazed.
“I think I need to put on some muscle,” Hirosue admitted. Matsuoka had a five year advantage over him in age, but that didn’t make his lack of strength any less embarrassing.
“Actually, I have a friend who started going to a gym to put on some muscle, and he got pretty buff in a month. You could see the difference.”
“A gym, huh,” Hirosue echoed.
“Want to start going together? I’ll look out for some good places. Maybe a location we can drop in on the way home from work.”
Hirosue admitted he was interested. A gym was intimidating to go to alone, but he’d feel reassured if Matsuoka were to come with him. If he was still working, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but he wasn’t keen on joining a gym when he was unemployed. There was the risk that he would run out of money for monthly membership payments.
“I think I’ll pass on the gym after all.”
“Oh,” Matsuoka said. For a split second, he looked crestfallen, but he grinned and said, “If you ever feel like it again, let me know.”
Something fluttered down from above. Hirosue looked up at the sky. It was snow. The signs were there: it had been cold, and he had noticed the thick grey clouds covering the sky. But he hadn’t expected it to actually snow when they were well into March.
The snow drifted straight downwards in the absence of a breeze. Matsuoka turned his face up and opened his mouth wide. He clamped it shut, then opened it again. A long, long time ago, Hirosue had done the same thing as a boy in primary school, unable to contain his joy at the falling snow. Matsuoka’s usually so mature and proper. I guess he has a childish side, too, Hirosue thought as he gazed at the man’s profile making the same repeated motions.
“Does snow taste good?”
Matsuoka’s cheeks suddenly flushed as he closed his mouth.
“It doesn’t taste like anything. It’s just cold.”
Hirosue imitated him and tried a taste of the snow. Before he could even detect it on his tongue, the fizzy sensation disappeared.
“―You look like a carp in a pond waiting for food. It looks pretty idiotic,” Matsuoka murmured.
“You started doing the carp thing,” Hirosue retorted.
“Well, yeah. But you know what they say. Learn wisdom by the folly of others―something like that.”
“You’re one to talk, Head Honcho Carp.”
Matsuoka narrowed his eyes and laughed.
“It looks like it’s gonna get colder, so let’s hurry and climb the rest,” he said, pointing up the path.
After their break, they resumed climbing at a brisk pace for a while, but Hirosue began to tire partway through, just as he expected. He was climbing with his back bent when a right hand was silently extended in front of him. Matsuoka was offering to pull him along by the hand.
“It’s okay. We only have a little bit more to go,” Hirosue said.
“I’ll make things fair and take a handicap for our five-year age difference.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hirosue said indignantly.
Hirosue was unsure of what to do, but since Matsuoka was being cheeky by talking about age difference and handicaps, he decided to take the man’s hand to make things difficult for him. Although Matsuoka’s hand was smaller than his, the man himself was strong; he yanked Hirosue along powerfully. Contrary to Hirosue’s initial intent, he ended up depending on Matusoka’s help a great deal until they reached the lookout point.
They emerged upon a stretch of land that was flat and spacious despite its elevated area in the mountains. It had space enough for two houses, and perhaps there had actually been houses there, for there were large stones on the ground that looked like crumbled foundations.
The scenery below was worth the effort they had made to climb up the steep slope. In the distance, the mountains lay covered in mist, enveloping the valleys below. Occasional patches of young, tender green were already visible in the mountains, bringing with them the reminders of spring. It felt strange to see the snow fall on such a scene.
Hirosue absently gazed at the stunning scenery. He could feel trembling―Matsuoka’s trembling―through their linked fingers. That was when he finally noticed they were still holding hands from climbing up the mountain.
“Are you cold?”
“Oh. No. Just getting a thrill.”
“Really, now,” Hirosue said jokingly. “Want to borrow my coat?”
“Oh, no. I’m fine. Besides, you’ll be cold without it.”
Matsuoka’s hand left his as he hugged his shoulders. Hirosue couldn’t stand watching the man’s shivering frame―so slender compared to his own―so he took off his coat and draped it over Matsuoka’s back.
“It’s chilly out here. Want to start heading back?” he asked.
Matsuoka nodded silently, still wearing Hirosue’s coat over his shoulders. Walking downhill was easier, so Hirosue walked ahead.
“I think I’m going to take a bath again when we get back,” Hirosue said, his breath coming out in a puff of white.
“Me, too. I didn’t get to try the outdoor bath last time.”
Remembering their awkward interaction in the bath, Hirosue spoke up first. “You should go first this time, Matsuoka. I’ll go in afterwards.” There was no answer from Matsuoka, and Hirosue assumed his silence meant he agreed. That was when he heard a voice speak up behind him.
“I don’t mind going together.”
Hirosue turned around. His feet stopped. Matsuoka also stopped.
“But back there―”
“I actually did get dizzy from being in the water too long. If you’re fine with it, Hirosue, so am I. Besides, you probably want to take a bath right away after we get back, don’t you?”
“Uh… yeah.”
I thought he didn’t like being seen naked, Hirosue thought, but if he’s okay with bathing together, maybe he doesn’t mind all too much. The more he thought, the less sense he could make of it. What was going on inside Matsuoka’s mind? How did he feel about it?
On second thought, there was no big deal about two men bathing together. Hirosue had felt none of the repulsion he had feared upon seeing Matsuoka’s naked body. He had only thought the man was very thin. Besides, if you thought about it, Matsuoka’s body was the same as his; they had the same parts. There was nothing to feel repulsed about.
“I wonder if we can bring a sake bottle into the bath,” Hirosue suddenly murmured.
“What? Are you serious?” Matsuoka said, his eyes wide.
“Why not? Snow-gazing over sake in an open-air bath―it would be the best. Let’s do it.”
“Am I part of this, too?”
“It’d be no fun by myself, would it?”
“Oh, fine,” Matsuoka grumbled. “We’re probably not allowed unless it’s a private bath, but let’s try asking,” he said nevertheless, hunching his shoulders.
Alcohol was not allowed to be brought into the outdoor bath, they were told. But even without sake, there was nothing quite like bathing outdoors during snowfall. Hirosue and Matsuoka warmed their bodies frozen from the hike while they chatted endlessly about trivial things. Evening darkened to night while they soaked in the outdoor bath, and their hands and feet turned shrivelled like those of old men.
Their dinner was luxurious, and Hirosue could see why Matsuoka had been enthusiastic to give it a try. The delicious food encouraged them to drink more. If he got drunk, he only had to go to the next room to sleep; the reassurance made Hirosue drink sake as well as beer. The drink warmed him until he felt hot, and against the better advice of Matsuoka, he opened the window and snow-gazed while drinking sake, fancying himself doing what they hadn’t been able to do in the outdoor bath. Not even five minutes later, he began shivering from the cold.
“I told you so,” Matsuoka had said, laughing at him.
He found enjoyment in every little thing. Hirosue was heartily glad that he had come on this trip. Although he had gone on the occasional spontaneous trip by himself, this was his first time going away with someone else, apart from school or company trips. He hadn’t imagined that a trip with someone else could be so fun―no matter if all they had done was merely soak endlessly in the bath and climb endlessly up a mountain path.
They ate and drank until they were full to bursting, and moved to the next room to sleep. Their futons were laid out neatly for them, and when Hirosue slid into his, it enveloped his whole body with warm comfort.
Matsuoka turned on the paper lantern stand and turned off the room lights.
“Oh, are you going to sleep? Want me to turn this off, too?”
“You can keep it on,” Hirosue said, seeing Matsuoka reach towards the light switch. He was sleepy, but not sleepy. He still wanted to stay up and talk.
“Thanks for everything today,” he said.
“What’s this, all of a sudden?” Matsuoka turned his face towards him, hugging his pillow in the next futon over.
“Reserving the inn and stuff. And you drove the whole way here.”
“I enjoy driving.”
Hirosue rolled over and looked up at the wood-panel ceiling. His house back in the country also had a wood-panelled ceiling which was stained in some places. When he was younger, the stains used to frighten him because they looked ghosts, and he would pull his futon over his head when he went to sleep. It was funny when he thought about it now.
“Hirosue.”
He turned his head to see Matsuoka gazing at him solemnly.
“Are you having fun?”
“You mean the trip?”
Matsuoka nodded on his side.
“How about you, Matsuoka?”
After a slight pause, Matsuoka said, “I’m having fun.”
“Then, I’ll say I’m having lots of fun.”
“Then, I’m having lots and lots of fun,” Matsuoka fought back.
“You’re acting like a kid,” Hirosue teased, and Matsuoka flushed beneath his eyes and buried his face into his pillow. After spending a lot of time with this man, Hirosue came to realize something. Matsuoka had an unusually childish side to him, one you could never imagine from how he looked in his suit.
“But it’s true that I’m having fun,” Matsuoka mumbled. Their conversation lapsed after his last utterance. It was quiet inside the room, but not in the awkward way. Hirosue’s heart was warm with the afterglow of enjoyment. But once this trip was over, reality was waiting for him. He would have to face a staggering load of work and the reality of leaving work at the end of March. As for the quitting part, there was not much to face; he had more or less resigned himself to his fate. The problem now was that he didn’t have a new job yet.
The job search took the biggest toll on him―mentally, more than physically. When refusals came in succession, they depressed his spirits further and convinced him that he was truly worthless. If I was going to be rejected anyway, he would think, I shouldn’t have submitted my CV in the first place. I shouldn’t have gone in for an interview at all.But he knew things didn’t quite work like that.
“Maybe I’ll go back to the country,” he muttered to the wood-panelled ceiling.
“Go back? Like, during the holidays?” said a voice beside him. Matsuoka was still awake.
“No, not like that. I meant maybe I should just go back to the country for good.”
Matsuoka fell silent.
“I’m just kidding, though,” Hirosue added. He could not go back. There were no jobs back home, realistically speaking. And he was not going to fall back under the care of his parents at this age.
“Is your hometown far away, Hirosue?”
“It’s in an inconvenient place, so it takes two hours by bullet train from Tokyo, then about forty minutes on the local line.”
“It’s a town on the harbour, right?”
“Yeah. Their seafood is great. My family back home runs a business that handles processed fish products. My parents are still doing well, but my older brother and his wife have taken over the business from them.”
“I’d like to go there once.”
“Sure, but there’s nothing to see. ―Your hometown is in Tokyo, right?”
“In the suburbs.”
“Do you ever go back home?”
“Not really. My younger brother just got married last year and they’re living at home. I only go back during Obon and the new year.”
Hirosue’s consciousness gradually faded while they talked, and before he knew it, it was morning. They took a morning bath and ate a luxurious breakfast fit for kings. After checking out, they took a leisurely stroll around the area of the inn before heading home.
Hirosue enjoyed his trip so much, he would give it full points. Matsuoka was a lot less talkative on the way home, but Hirosue figured he was tired from driving by himself, and did not try to force a conversation with him.
